Focus on the Family Community : Unanswered Threads - Relationships and Marriage

Says he won't compliment me b/c it leads to sinful thoughts. Reasonable?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:32:05 GMT

I am dating and soon to be engaged to a wonderful Christian man. I know he loves God and seeks to follow Him, and I know he loves me too. But he really struggles with sinful thoughts re. us having sex. Which I find incredibly flattering, I have to admit! But he never really compliments me or is very expressive about his feelings for me, and that bothers me. I've told him a few times that I really wish he'd compliment me more, or at the very least send me cutesy cards or a quick note here and there. I really don't think I'm asking for much. But he says he tries not to think about how I look because it leads him to impure thoughts. Also, there are times we're together when he acts really distant. This has happened a few times, and he's told me later that he was deliberately doing that because he felt the impulse to kiss me/etc. So he was trying to keep some space to protect me. But from my perspective, during these times, it looks to me like he doesn't want to be with me--like he's having a terrible time!

I believe wholeheartedly that he's telling the truth here. And I've seen it in other ways. And I have no doubt that he loves me, and I know he wants to keep our relationship pure. I personally think he's swung to this extreme because he did have sex before he became a Christian, and he doesn't want to be tempted. We have strict physical boundaries; we only hold hands, and sometimes he puts his arm around me. We never kiss or hug, and we're never alone in either of our homes.

Is it unreasonable for me to need more validation from him? To know that he finds me beautiful? He tells me he loves me all the time. Am I jsut being selfish? Also, I am really tired of going out with him and feeling like he'd rather be anywhere else except for me! I know he's struggling with temptation during those times. And not all dates are like this. But am I justified in feeling really frustrated during these times?

Thank you so much for reading this! Any input would be sooooo appreciated.

Lack of Attraction; feel like a jerk, don't know what to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:18:45 GMT

I just am not attracted to my husband physically. I remember having small concerns about that when we dated and became engaged—he was not what I “always dreamed of” physically and my attraction to him grew very slowly. (We started as simply friends. He was attracted to me from the start visually. It was two years before I developed feelings that went beyond friendship, always very firmly rooted in the emotional connection. Perhaps a sign of this struggle which I now face?) He is the man of my dreams on all other levels and I had no big reservation deciding to marry him—I did not want to be so shallow and critical of his looks, allowing "Hollywood" to tell me what was most important on so that I wouldn't marry this guy. You probably think I must be a very selfish person. But now I feel like I'm married to someone that isn't satisfying physically to me....

I absolutely hate it that I come in contact with other men that will make my temperature rise and I have to run in the other direction because there’s this involuntary attraction to them that’s very strong. I have a wonderful connection with my husband and I would say I have a good marriage on all other levels. I enjoy sex with my man, but in terms of the sexual fire, my husband is way more “taken” by me than I am of him. People joke that he "married up" when he married me - and that kind of talk doesn't help me; it encourages me to agree! Then, along comes a random man I don’t know, and I’m powerfully attracted to him! Arg! I know sometimes the struggle we have is not against flesh and blood and that the enemy would love to break up a marriage in ministry (we are in visible ministry). Sometimes I wonder if I am under attack this way. I know that love is action, commitment, choice. I have grown up in the church with an awesome marriage to witness between my parents. I am not considering divorce. My marriage is still young and I want to cultivate that which will help it thrive over my whole life in ministry with my man.

Not to muddy the water, but I do struggle with an eating disorder (I have experienced a lot of healing there), but I wonder if my criticism of his looks stems from my own wounds and insecurity. Not having feelings of attraction is a real thing however...I just don't know if my issues are responsible for a large or small percentage of this lack of fire? I don't have a lack of fire towards others!?

I desperately want to look upon my husband in pleasure. I want to thrill to his touch. I know that marriage is work—it’s good work, and I want to know what I can work on for this. I struggle with physical attraction toward him and want to know what I can DO about it. I want to serve him and really act out actions of love. What if I feel like I’m doing this, but I’m still struggling to find myself attracted to his appearance and struggle with even wanting intimacy? How should I pray? Out of my mental battle with this came a moment where my husband caught on and I had to admit to him my low level of physical attraction toward him and mentioned I thought it would help if he gained some weight. Now I've hurt him. I feel like the biggest jerk and I feel like one of those people who have hurt me that way in the past. I've brought up an area of insecurity for him as well that he thought he was free from in our marriage. I feel like I've totally messed up and made things awful...could I have avoided this hurt and pain by fixing myself mentally somehow? I'm always trying to do that though...sometimes it's not me. I don't want to make impossible demands on my mate and make him feel disrespected. But right now I cannot help the feelings I have and I guess it's probably good that they are known by him so we can try to address it lovingly together...not sure where to turn.

My husband is very demonstrative with his love and always tells me how blown away he is by my looks, and it makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to lie to him—I want to be able to reciprocate. I can’t even believe I’m writing this in some ways, but I am tired of the nagging reality on my end that I just am not stirred sexually by my husband and I am bombarded with thoughts seemingly out of left field that tell me he is “funny looking.” I do not believe that sexual passion is wrong when in the context of marriage. Not only that, but godly marriage ought to have that. What can a wife do to cultivate attraction to her man on the physical level—the other levels are there for me! I believe it pleases the Lord for a husband and wife to really have passion for one another. I am willing to do what it takes to make sure this is strong on my end as much on his end, but I need guidance. I would want my husband to tell me if I had gained too much weight and that he wanted me to lose weight for my health and for his attraction level. Perhaps my request of him is no different--doesn't feel good, but ultimately is good???? I don't know where the healthy line is!

Is there so much here that I need to seek counseling? Or that we should do it together? We have been married less than 5 years and I want to jump on this before it errodes in our relationship. There's already fear, hurt, confusion...

What should I do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:45:19 GMT

I am severely depressed. I am a 29 yr old mother of 4 and my life is in shambles at the moment. It all began when my mother became very ill soon after the birth of my 3rd child. She got sick in February of 2008 and we found out it was stage 4 colon cancer in March. Needless to say, it was a huge shock and Mom was very ill very fast. During her illness, I began slipping into a depressive state, but I did not realize it until today. I had 3 young children at home, a husband who was never home, and I was working full-time & going to graduate school. During the summer of 2008, I decided that life was too short to stay miserable in the workforce so I quit my job of nearly 7 years and began looking for other full-time employment. I began working as a social worker and my mom kept getting worse. I was a wreck just thinking about the what-ifs and, to my horror, Mom passed away on Oct 31, 2008. Instead of grieving properly, I went out of my mind - not caring who I hurt or what I did in the process. I was unfaithful to my husband and I wanted nothing to do with my children. It wasn't until I was served with divorce papers in January 2009 that I realized what I had done. I desperately wanted to save my marriage, but he did not want anything to do with me or preserving our marriage. Instead, it became a custody battle for our 3 children. We shared custody for about 6 months before he decided he'd had enough and allowed me to have the children with him having visitation rights. During this time, my grandmother passed away (my only surviving grandparent), I lost my job in social work, started a new job in the banking industry, and I met a wonderful man. For whatever reason, I fell in love with him and knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I now see that I should've taken more time after separating from/divorcing my ex before jumping into a new relationship. I was already in a depressed state, but I did not do anything about it and I did not realize that it was not getting better. Despite that, I loved spending time with him and spent every moment I could getting to know him, via phone conversations, e-mail, and in person. Between the 2 of us, we had 5 children - he had custody of his 2 children and I was fighting for custody of mine. It wasn't long before we were serious and we even talked about getting married in the future. I was very excited because I had never felt for anyone what I felt for him. Just being with him was enough. Then more serious news...I got pregnant. Not something I planned at all, and I was scared to death. Somehow, he talked me into moving in with him - away from all my family & friends - so we could be together and build a wonderful life. In October of 2009 I moved 100 miles from my hometown and I took my 3 children with me. I began a new job and began taking care of the house and all 5 children. The kids started a new school or daycare and we basically started a new life. Needless to say, chaos ensued...more chaos than I could ever imagine. I was working, he was working...but then he started coming home and eating dinner & going straight to bed. I was worn out, trying to be superwoman...and he was not helping out at all. The chaos began to take its toll and began affecting our happiness and our relationship with each other. We would fight and argue, and it was the most horrific thing I had ever lived through. But we would talk it over, apologize, and move forward, telling ourselves that it was going to get better...that as long as we loved each other, nothing else mattered. In April of this year, we moved into a new house - much bigger with a full unfinished basement. I was 8 months pregnant at that time and didn't feel like doing a whole lot. I would do what I could around the house, including taking care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning...and I would work on my school work at night when the rest of the house was sleeping. I was still not getting much help from him and I was still working full-time. On May 4th, our baby boy was born...very healthy and very easy to care for. I did not go back to work at the end of maternity leave, mostly because I was responsible for 6 children and it was summer time. However, I believe my depression had gotten worse...so much stress and so many changes in such a short period of time were all beginning to catch up to me. The fighting and arguing was getting worse and it began to affect how the children were being treated (his kids by me and my kids by him). I wanted nothing more than to fix whatever was wrong with our relationship, that at one time had been so happy and fun, but I was powerless to do it on my own. Life took over, and the responsibility of so many kids and a bigger house and a stressful job began to take its toll on him. It seemed like I couldn't do anything right - the house wasn't sparkling clean all of the time, the kids were too loud, nothing was good enough. He even began telling me he hated me and that he wanted me out of his life when he got mad. But when he calmed down, he would apologize and tell me I didn't deserve it and that it was all of the stress causing him to be angry all of the time. He basically told me he wanted me to leave, so I finally decided that I had had enough & I packed what I could and left just last Saturday. I came back to my roots and I am currently staying at my dad's house. I do not want our relationship to be over and to fizzle because the stress is too much. I love him, and I want a life with him, but I cannot put up with the name-calling and all of the fighting anymore. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that my depression is much worse than I thought. I was probably more negative and reacted with more anger than I should have. Unfortunately it took walking away from the situation for me to realize that. I will do whatever I can to improve my own state of mind and figure out how to deal with stress in a positive manner. But I am very worried about us. I miss him and I want him to realize that life is not always fun or perfect...& that every relationship takes effort even when you don't feel like it. I feel so hopeless and broken right now and I want nothing more than for things to work out for us. As of right now, he is not speaking to me. It hurts and it is very hard to deal with, especially because I am alone and taking care of 4 kids. I don't know what to do, because all I feel like doing is crying. I am 100% committed to him. My life is in limbo, and I need some help. Any advice or suggestion would be appreciated.

Responding to his past

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 20:50:24 GMT

Dear Focus on the Family community,

I am in an ideal relationship with a wonderful, Christlike young man, and I have never felt so cherished. We were praying about getting engaged soon when questions about the past came up. I knew that my boyfriend had slept with someone a number of years ago and felt deeply regretful about this. However, he just shared that he had also been sexually immoral in relationships since then, including just several months before we started dating. He had felt so filthy and down after the first incident that I guess he lost hope and strength for better, and began to rationalize his actions. He is a wonderful spiritual leader and seems to be victorious in every aspect of his life except this one. I have always wanted to keep myself pure for my future husband and have never so much as kissed anyone, so we have held high standards in our current relationship. I know he has been relieved and renewed by being able to seek Christ with me, and he wants to raise a strong Christian family with me. However, I am hurt and surprised by his recent actions, I am concerned that he wasn't able to maintain high standards until he was with me, and I am worried that it might be unwise for me to be engaged to him. I'm not so concerned about the past, but should I be concerned about his character?

I would appreciate your advice and prayers!

husband having an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 21:04:25 GMT

This is my first time posting a message...so please bear with me. I found out back in February that my husband was having an affair with a fellow student. When I confronted him, he told me that he loved me and wanted to stay married. We hadn't even celebrated our first wedding anniversary! I took him back, and things seemed to be better. I couldn't see any way that he could still be having an affair, so I started to trust him, however there was always this little voice in the back of my head that told me I shouldn't. He had moved out to live closer to his school, and although he didn't want me to go with him because he said I would be a distraction, I didn't want to go because I didn't want my son to go to school there. He would not give me a key to his apartment, and he wouldn't let me come and visit. I know that these should have been clear signs, and although I doubted him, I wanted nothing more than to trust him.

We got married while my husband was in Iraq. We got married via proxy, but he says that because he wasn't there in person to take the vows, he doesn't view himself as married. For this reason, he doesn't view himself as married or as cheating. He lies like it's nothing, and doesn't view it as wrong. I believe that he's addicted to sex and doesn't know how to stop, but he won't get help.

I'm devastated! My heart is just crushed, and I don't know how to deal. He says that the marriage is over, but I'm not sure that's really what he wants, and although I should, I'm not sure it's what I want! When I got married, I was a single mother of 2 boys, 19 and 5, and I swore that when it happened I would never get divorced. I don't believe in divorce, although I know this is one of the true reasons that the bible says divorce is acceptable.

Does anyone have any advice to get through this? Oh...by the way...I'm in the process of trying to be approved for disability. I have a lot of physical ailments that are really hindering my being able to keep a full time job. For this reason, I can't afford a lawyer! I don't know how to protect myself in the event of a divorce.

I'm just dying inside!

Thanks!

Jennifer

Is My Husband Having An Emotional Affair?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 21:06:28 GMT

This is the first time I have posted, and I praise God for this forum and the hope of being able to get some help. I am really struggling in my marriage right now. I have been married for over 30 years, and for most of those years I have had a wonderful, close, relationship with my husband. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband owns his own business. He works very hard to provide for our family but, unfortunately, this usually involves long hours working from 7am-10pm most weeknights, half day Saturday and sometimes Sunday. We also have a missions-oriented ministry that we started together about seven years ago.

About five years ago, we met a married couple at church that we liked very much. We became very close and started spending alot of time with them. The wife joined our missions team and we were happy to have her. As time went on, she became more involved with things and started helping my husband with some of the activities we were involved with (i.e. emails, phone calls, contacting people, advertising). She is a very hard worker and enjoyed serving and being in the middle of things. After awhile, I began to feel that she and my husband were developing a close relationship - one that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. She began taking on responsibilities that were once mine and my husband was spending alot of time interacting with her via email, cell phone, and texting. I also found out that on numerous occasions they had had coffee and lunch together and my husband never told me. Another concern was that my husband always wanted to get together and do things with this couple - every weekend - but he never wanted to spend time with just me. We share the same circle of friends with this couple and when we end up at events together, it always seems like my husband and the wife always end up together in some way, sitting together, talking, laughing, and joking around.

As time went by she took on more responsibility in our ministry, and before I knew it, she was doing pretty much everything for him. She became his assistant, his confidant, and (I felt) my replacement. Some new people that joined our ministry were surprised when they found out that I was his wife and not her. On several occasions I spoke to him about how I felt. But he always said nothing was going on, that I was being jeleous and unreasonable. Finally I felt God was telling me I needed to put a stop to this and I told my husband that I needed him to distance himself from her. He said he didn't know how to do that because she was such an integral part of our lives (our ministry, our good friends, our church, and also in another service organization that she and my husband belong to). I came up with some suggestions which he agreed to. Things got a little better and he has taken on more responsibility in the ministry, but three out of four Sunday afternoons last month were spent with this couple. There was always some excuse to justify it that I couldn't say no to. And a few days ago I was looking in the ministry email to get information about an event that we have coming up, and I noticed that he is still sending her emails. He is asking for her opinion on certain matters and copying her on emails sent to other people. These emails are not of a personal nature, but I am longing to be his assistant, confidant, and his help-mate. He does not ask for my opinion or copy me on any emails. The things that I have mentioned here just scratch the surface of what's been going on. There is not enough room here to tell the whole story.

I just don't know what to do. I have tried working on myself. I went to a Christian counselor for awhile. I tried to get my husband to go but he refused. I try to make our home a place that he will want to come home to. I keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, fix a good dinner. I try to look my best when he gets home and be happy to see him. I don't bring up problems or nag and complain. But he just can't seem to separate himself from this woman.

I have spoken confidentially to a couple of Christian friends and they have suggested that I talk to her. I suggested this to my husband and he said absolutely not. He didn't want her to get mad and quit our ministry group. But when he says something like that, it makes me feel like she is more important than my feelings.

From what I have described here, is my husband having an emotional affair? If anyone can share their experience or insight, I would very much appreciate it.

Solving long distance relationship with child involved.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 05:54:26 GMT

I am 36 years old and I used to live in southern california. I have sole custody of 4 children from a previous relationship. I have a girlfriend that still lives in california and we have a 7 year old daughter together that lives there with her. I moved to norhtern utah in may of 2009 to start work as there was no work available in southern ca, and I had been out of work for 9 months. When I moved My Girlfriend and I had an agreement that I would come get settled, get a house, keep my job for a year , while she looked after her son from a previous relationship that had recently turned 18, and then she would move out here with our daughter. in late june 2009 i flew back to get my 4 children from my previous relationship, I had let them stay with my parents to finish the school year, and our at that time 6 year old daughter came out for the summer. In august 2009 before my 6 year olds school started my girlfriend came out for a week to visit and then take our daughter back to california. while she was here she bought things for the house, said she liked it, called her mother and told her how neat the area was with the lakes and rivers, everything was going fine. I talked to her every day since I got here once before work at 6:30 a.m. (5:30a.m. her time), normally on my lunch break, and at least once, normally more after work each day. Up untill about 3 months ago everything seemed fine, then I noticed that when I would say I love you before getting off the phone that she would barely ever reciprocate. I also noticed that it was always me calling, she barely ever called me. Also I kept asking when they were coming out and she used to say soon and then it started turning to I don't know. Well I confronted her about not saying she loved me, not calling me, and told her that people here were beginning to wonder if I really had a girlfriend. She started being the one that called me, started saying "I love you" first, and told me that yes I still had a girlfriend and untill a month ago everything went fine. Then I found out about another man and when I asked at first she said I had nothing to worry about, then I found out that she had been sleeping with him since February. I flew to California last week to try and save my relationship last weekend and we worked things out, I thought but I find out from my daughter that this guy still comes around. I know we have both done our share of sinning but this girl is the one who brought me to the lord and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She told me she hasen't prayed in months. She said when I was there that our family was worth trying to fix (my other 4 children think of her as thier step-mom since we have been together for 10 years), and that she would handle the other guy and she would come out here and give it a shot. but she says she can't come out till thanksgiving and that even then it would only be a visit for a week. and that she can't "just up and leave". her now 19 nyear old son has friends that have got in some trouble with a gang out there and he is getting involved by association, while I was there she told him he might have to move out here and he said why can't we all go. So her son, his girlfiend, our daughter, and my children her want them to move out here, and the excuse she gives is her job as a waitress. I moved out here to support my family and give our children better lives and it seems she is holding my 7 year old and her 19 year old there bacause of a minimum wage +tips job and possibly the guy that she said she wasn't going to see anymore. I know ther is a lot here to take in but anyone's input would be appreciated. What can I do?

I just do not have any feelings.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 03:49:01 GMT

I have been married for 21 years and for about a year or so I can't be intimate with my husband. I am not having an affair or an emotional affair. I love him but I can't stand to be around him. I don't want to be mean or to turn him away but I almost get physically ill thinking about it and can't get myself to change. I don't know what is wrong with me and even tried to take a medication but it did not help. I pray all the time for God to help me and I just don't know what to do. How can I love him but don't like to be around him. It makes no sense to me. I do not like anybody else or have any feelings for anyone else I just don't have any feelings at all it seems. Please pray for us. Thank you.

Here is my problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:08:11 GMT

My name is Ronda and I am new here but I have a concern with my family and it is really bothering me. So here it goes. My husband and I were both married to other people before and his wife left him and my ex husband abused me. Niether one of us have kds of our own but both had step kids. I do not have any conntact with my former step kids except I get a email every now and again but my husband's former step kids are in his life in fact one lives with us. He is 22 and is working on getting his GED he has no job and he really does nothing all day! It is really making me angry I fell like we are trying to have our own family and this is getting in the way. He gets a samll check since he is disabled mentaly. he lived with us for a while and it worked out real well for a while then he went to vist his sister and did not come back for three months now he is a total diffrent person and not for the good. I have tried to discus this with my husband and he never wants to talk about it. We are just starting the process of doing the froster care to adopt program and I feel Like we need to concertrate on us. I just do not know what to do. I am triyng to change me by dealing with my issues and my hime and marriage and I feel like I am doing everything and they are not doing anything. My husband beleives in God but does not like church and hates the music and to have to give up his bad habbits no way this boy is the same way. any advice would be wonderful.

Thank you

Ronda

husbands jealousy taking a toll

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:34:35 GMT

My husbands jealousy is taking a toll on our marriage. We have been married for 19 yrs. but for the past

5 we have really had some struggles with his jealousy and insecurities. He accuses me of cheating on

him at least once a month. He gets angry if i do anything with anyone other than him or our children. He

is driving me away and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I put up walls every time he accuses me

just as protection. I feel like if I harden myself to him he can't hurt me. I know this is not good for our marriage

but I don't know what else to do. We have a huge fight at least once a month because of his accusations and

my defending myself. Than we make up and all is okay for another month. I don't want to do this anymore.I

feel like he doesn't want me to find pleasure in anything except him. If anyone has a word of

advice for me I will really appreciate it.