Focus on the Family Community : Thread List - August 26, 2009: The Power of Forgiveness in Marriage (Gary Smalley; Ted Cunningham)

Please Pray

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:51:52 GMT

My husband and I have been marriage for ten years and this year; I let sin in our lives. We went to counseling after we spoke with our Pastor and his wife. I have done what my husband ask me to do but he still checks my phone logs and calls a lot to check up on me. I do understand that he needs to check but when we are having a good day/week he will bring us back to day one. I love him and I made a wrong choice and did not give it to God to work out but instead I put blinders on went the wrong way. The Lord has shown me so much and He has forgiven me but I need to earn my husband's trust back. Please pray for us and for my husband to take the first step of forgiveness.

My wife left me due to emotional cheating

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:54:13 GMT

I have been with my wife for almost 2 years. It has been a up and down battle. For the past year her and I have been layed off living on unemployment. We have a 10 month old baby that came into the picture and started alot of the problems. My wifes focus shifted off of me and on to the baby.I have begged for attention and just time away with my wife. She is so attached to the baby and clings to her. I know its the new mommy thing but it has really put a strain on our relationship and I began to resent my baby for taking my wife away from me. I have gone to my wife and asked her for time with me and just to give me some love also but she is always too tired or pushes me away. I have really tried to help more with things and that didnt even work. At times when wed make love it was like I was raping her. I began to think there is something wrong with me and I started texted women just to get that boost of confidence back. She found out the one time and left with my daughter for a week and a half. We worked through it and things were ok for a bit and then it went back to the same way.I got depressed again and started texting again and was caught. My wife has been gone a month with my daughter and refuses to allow me to talk to her and see my daughter. I know what I did is wrong and iam going to counseling and mentoring under a pastor for help. The one time I did talk to my wife she said there is no more in her to give. She refuses to talk to a pastor with me but she goes to my dads church and reaches out and talks to him. But he is reluctent to get involved and sit us both down and make us talk. Iam at my ends rope on what to do and how to try and salvage my marriage. I have been praying for help for over a month..

Trust along with or following forgiveness?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:51:52 GMT

After many years of marriage and numerous circumstances that have required forgiveness for both partners, how can you best work toward restored trust when the issues have been very painful and have seriously impacted the ability to trust?

A marriage being destroyed by anger

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:16:56 GMT

My best friend needs help. Her marriage is suffering. I hear about it because she needs someone to talk to and I'm probably the only person who isn't advising her to divorce. I know for sure there were times she's come to me and if I had done the thing women sometimes do where I say "Oh, he's awful! Dump him!" she would have. But instead I try to be the voice of God and urge her to love him anyway and not give up on her marriage. I know I'm not a professional, and she needs one, but she can't afford to pay anyone and though I've tried to encourage her to look for a nonprofit Christian counselor or even a pastor who might do it for free, she won't. So I've sort of been a counselor to her. And she and I both know that there is no way that he would be willing to go to one at this point. He'd just say no and scream about it. She is not a strong Christian, and I'm not sure about his faith.

Her husband has extreme anger issues. His father died when he was younger, he doesn't get along with his mother, and he was basically raised by his friends. His friends have incredible influence over him. They are/were all married, and all seperated or divorced. He had an affair, at their urging because they liked the girlfriend better than his wife. She and he have found temporary peace and then his friends will call and say they've found a place where he can get an affordable divorce and it all starts again. He calls her names, curses at her, and blames her for everything. Most of her adult life she's worked two jobs, but she has health issues and a) needs a surgery she can't afford and b) can only work part time now. He works a job where he makes less than 10K a year and has flat out told her that he refuses to ever get another job. (Most of his friends work with him as well). They live with her parents, because that's all they can afford, but he is saying they must move now. He's putting it as a financial need ahead of the surgery she needs, and he refuses to earn more to support it. She owns all the assets, including the car, and when they are fighting he will sometimes threaten to stop contributing to the bills because it will be her credit, not his, that will suffer. But she's also unwilling to add his name to anythign but their joint banking account because she is afraid of him trying to take away things she's earned. She is more a mother, but one with no authority, to him. She doesn't respect him as a man, because of his belittling her and his avoidance of responsibility. I've urged her to show him respect, but whiles she agrees with the concept, in the moment she will get upset. And even though she tries not to use it as ammo during a fight she constantly says to me and to herself that "he can't leave me becuase then he'd be nothing. He'd have nothing. I own the car: how could he get to work? His mom won't let him live with her, he can't afford to live alone: where will he go?" But even as she says this, belittling him in her mind, she also worries about it. She loves him desperately and if she kicked him out, she would take him back in a moment because she'd spend every second he's without her worrying about him. She honestly doesn't believe in his own ability to support himself, she thinks if she didn't do it he'd probably end up in jail or worse.

She has tried holding her tongue, and it gave some peace, but when she tried to, calmly and rationally, ask him to change his plans when he'd made plans with his friends, he blows up at her talking about how she controls him. His friends have taught him that being a man means to belittle and take all respect away from women. He allows his friends to talk down to her, and he refuses to lift her up in their presence. As an example she dropped him off at work and his friend was there. He said mean and horrible things to her until his friend went inside, then he kissed her cheek and said "love you" and started to leave. Seriously.

I pray for them a lot, but there's only so much I can do. I just try to keep her from falling to pieces. I gave her a copy of the love dare, which worked a little, but she's so willing, so incredibly willing, to make this marriage work: and he's not. Neither she and I know how to motivate him. I never talk to him, to clarify. I rarely see him, and when I do I usually just make small talk. But what I've seen...

One thing that has hurt them, they've suffered two miscarriages since they've been together. She wants children, and he's gone back and forth between it, but at this point she doesn't want a child with him because she doesn't want to bring a kid into that hostile environment. He also does pot. He quit for about four months, around the time of her last miscarriage, but she says she's glad he's smoking again now because he's incredibly meaner when he was off of it.

I know some of the fault is hers, and I think she does too. She will try to stay calm, but when he yells at her, she can only restrain herself from yelling back maybe 25% of the time. It's not all his fault: but he brought so many more issues to the marriage, and he's not willing to fix and address them, or even acknowledge them.

I told her when they got married that I would never advise her against her husband. I mean that, and I want you to understand that. My hope for them is that they can get through this. But with his unwillingness to change, my heart feels like I either want the marriage to end or have him change: now. I don't know how much more of this she can take. They've only been married a short time. And I know Dr. Dobson might advocate tough love, that she kick him out, but I also know her well enough to know she wouldn't be able to mean it. Also I knwo he knows that. He woudln't take her seriously, would leave, and then expect to be taken back when he was done doing whatever things he wanted to do. And at this point, she's not strong enough not to let him back. I know that would just teach him he can do whatever and she'll always welcome him back.

Can you please help me help her help him? The Lord has used my friendship with this woman to His good in small ways, but...

Message was edited by: Moderator

Have I really forgiven if I still struggle with the past?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:55:58 GMT

My husband commited adultrey from during a four month span early 2008 with a woman that I considered a close friend of mine. There were several failed attempts at reconcilliation during that time (because he was not sincere about the affair being over) before we finally had true reconcilliation. At the time of his salvation he was what many would consider at an alcoholic's rock bottom. At that moment, my husband became a Christian. I believe that my husband has been honest from that point on and there has been no more infidelity. Husband has had a couple of slips during his recovery, but overall has not been a drinker since becoming saved. He became a completely different person after he became saved. He has shown me love, accountability, encouragment, etc. There really is nothing that I can think of that he could do on his end to make things better for me. A matter of fact to be honest our marriage is better then it ever was now that we both are seeking God. I have praised the Lord for making our home a godly home.

My husband is overseas serving in the military and has been gone since Dec'08 and prior to that he was gone more then usual due to preparing for this transition. So much for having time to really work on things.

I am struggling with extremely low self esteem. Since I knew the woman it is very easy for me to compare myself with her. I do not believe that my husband sought her out for emotional intimacy as much as an ego boost and a passive aggressive reaction to stipulations concerning alcohol not being tolerated in our home after he initially blamed his drinking on the infidelity. He enjoyed flaunting his relationship with this woman in front of his co-workers (they had very much the same lack in morals) with many of their times togather on trips he had for work and even a retirement party at his employment. I was the woman no one knew of. She is more attractive, thinner, she had the sporty car, and she earns a considerably larger income then myself. I know first hand he thought she was attractive the first time I introduced them to one another.

This is the third time I have had to deal with being betrayed by infidelity. I was married prior and my first husband cheated on me with two different women that I know of. We divorced because of that. Later, I fell head over heels in love with a man who became my fiancee. He cheated on me during our relationship several times with his ex-wife. I waited to marry my husband a couple years after he first broached the subject because of being burned before. I am struggling with reflective thoughts on really hurtful things he did during the time of the infidelity. I am really struggling that I am not as attractive as I used to be (currently dieting and feeling discouraged) and I most likely will never be as attractive as the other woman. My huband has never been critical of my weight or appearance. This is me.

Have I really forgiven? Is this just the symptoms of having been through what our marriage has been through? I am tired of having bouts of crying spells. It used to take alot for me to break down to the point of tears, now I can cry at any stressful situation. The first three months after we reconcilled I was better equiped to move on then I seem to be doing lately.

Pornography Normal?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:37:34 GMT

A friend of ours was in a young womens' Bible study group, and one woman in the group said she'd caught her husband using pornography. He'd defended himself and said it's normal, and another of the women in the Bible study said that's normal -- you just have to get used to your husband using pornography! Obviously she'd had a similar situation, and she didn't win the argument with her own husband. My wife told our friend she shouldn't stand for it.

Forgiveness is fine. But how do women in a conservative Christian church come to think they have no right to tell their husbands not to use pornography? How do you go about getting a change of behavior before forgiveness?

Alex

Goin' in circles

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:37:15 GMT

My husband and I get along really well most of the time; we generally don't get into those knock-down drag-out arguments I often hear about. But when we do disagree or irritate each other, I have a hard time expressing myself. I grew up a family of extremes--it was either the silent treatment, or it was yelling. So while I try to avoid both of those habits, I still struggle with telling him about my negative feelings. When I'm really angry, I can hardly even look him in the eye. It doesn't help that my hubby tends to get emotional and starts beating himself up over the issue. He grew up with a highly critical dad and seems really sensitive about some things. His emotional responses turn me off and, I feel, shut me down. I start feeling bad for bringing up anything in the first place, which makes me even angrier! So I guess my question has to do with establishing a healthier approach to conflict.

What is my next step at reconciliation with my brother & sister-in-law after speaking with both of them on the phone and not receiving any positive response

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 18:42:34 GMT

I had a falling out with my brother & sister in law several years ago. I have called and talked to each of them but received no positive results. I thought I offered the peace pipe but nothing seems to be changed in the relationship. I attempted to apologize for what I considered my part in the conflict but it was not what they wanted to hear. I do not hold animosity toward them & I don't understand their response to my attempts at reconciliation? What else can I do or say to mend the rift? I don't expect to be close friends but I would like to be on friendly or at least polite terms. The rift began when my husband, daughter & I attended their daughter's wedding that they refused to attend for reasons I'm still am not completely sure of. Since that time they have refused to attend any family gatherings to which we are invited. Thanks so much any suggestions you might have.

My husband can't move forward in our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 08:16:25 GMT

My husband and I have been married almost 26 years. We have one daughter who is married and we have been blessed with two grandchildren. Plus we have one daughter that is in her Senior year at High School. I have said some things when we would have fights that were not nice at all. We have been living in different bed for over a year, this was his choice....haven't had physical intimacy in a year and when we did it was our 25th anniversary that I had to plan everything and he didn't even take the day off from work (he owns his business so it was possible). Other then that night, we haven't been together for over a year before that night....no cuddling, no kisses, no affection at all. I would love for him to hold me when I cry but I get nothing. I feel very lonely and have even told him so. We get along most of the time but it feels like more of a friendship than a husband/wife relationship. He says he can not forgive me for the things I have said. He thinks that if we try to start over its going to be the same thing even though I have told him we have to start somewhere. I need more romance out of my life and a little respect. He just wants respect. We have been to two counselors and he didn't like the guy we were seeing that I chose, and I didn't like the person he picked out. So we didn't get very far. He likes to talk to me like everything is my fault that if I was nicer to him then he could be closer to me.....however, I have tried that and it doesn't work. He doesn't want to put out the effort to give me what I need. By the way I have asked for forgiveness for all the things I have said and at the moment he will say he accepts, but then the next thing is bringing it up again as a reason why we can't move forward. He said he just can't forgive me because some of the things I said were very hateful. And I admitted to him that I don't even realize what I am saying half the time because I am so mad (this has been when we are arguing because we don't see eye to eye on anything.) and I say I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry before he treats me better. I'm tired of being lonely, life is too short and I want someone who can love me for who I am and be able to forgive. I have forgave him a million times for stuff he has done in the past. I can't talk to him he just doesn't get it.

froggyfog

How do I ask Gary Smalley or Ted Cunningham a Question?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 22:02:04 GMT

To ask either Gary or Ted a question, click on the word 'new' found on the nav bar at the top of this page. Or, you may click on the words 'start a discussion' found in the actions section of this page. Type out your question and then click on 'post message' found at the bottom of your post. Our moderators will review your post and approve it as quickly as possible.

Please note that Gary and Ted will both answer questions live on the air and Ted will respond to additional posts on this event page. If you'd like to call-in to ask your question you may do so by dialing 1-888-465-6595.