Focus on the Family Community : Popular Threads - Relationships and Marriage

Prayer Chain. Save our marriages. Together we can win the fight to save our marriages.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:19:00 GMT

I have read many of your posts and it has occurred to me that marriages and families are under great attack. Mine included as my husband has filed for divorce. I think we can fight this and when the war against Satan. I would like for many of us to come together and make a commitment to praying for each other. The bible tells us that all things are possible through God.

We must fight back! We can all get through this with help from God. If you would like to join me in praying for each other please let me know. God knows your story so I don't need details just a committment that you will also pray for those that post on this thread.

In prayer we will overcome Satan. It is time we took a stand against the attack and joined together.

He wants out..

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:27:34 GMT

Well, Im not sure what good this can do but Im praying for a miracle.

My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. I am a military wife. This is our first deployment. He left two months ago. We left on good terms, working through issues that have been there for most of our marriage but with plans of the future. We had a schedule where we would talk twice a day online. He would say I love you, I would say I love you more to which he always said Doubt it. It made me smile and put any fears I ever had out of mind. 2 weeks ago he went away for four days. I was scared, it was the first time I didnt have communication with him, I was worried. I probably overreacted and thought he was ignoring me. He has always informed me when he wouldnt be available so this felt different. He came back and sent me a text that he was fine, he loved me and would talk to me soon. Later that night, he was distant online. Not responding but with vague answers. I told him I loved him, I didnt want to fight, Glad he was safe, and I would talk to him tomorrow.. Last Sunday, Feb 28th and 3pm, I received an email from Iraq. He wanted a divorce.

I was shocked. I couldnt even finish reading what little he had written befre breaking down. I screamed, I cried, I got angry. So many emotions hit me and hit me hard. I felt betrayed, abandoned, scared. I have three kids to care for, a home to keep going, a life to pick up. What do I do?

I decided to fight and fight hard. I emailed him just to reassure him that I wasnt giving up. I sent him messages when I was thinking about him. I asked his family and friends to support him so if he needed someone, he wasnt alone. Hes very good at masking emotions but I was hoping the thought of Divorce would bring some to the surface. I asked his CO to look after him and be there for him. I was doing everything unselfishly as I could to watch over him.

I have received only a handful of emails, vague, unemotional. Just stating he is tired of the fighting for the years it has happened and he wants out. The sooner the better. I have stood strong and told him No, whatever it is, we can get through it. Our marriage has seen far worse and has only gotten better as years go by. He tells me he doesnt love me and he only stayed for the kids. I know this isnt real or true, he is trying to hurt me and make himself believe that he isnt hurting as well. Two weeks ago, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He couldnt imagine life without me, and today, he doesnt want me. I tried to talk to him on the webcam yesterday, to show him how this is affecting me, to let him know Im not just letting it roll off my shoulders.. Im fighting, im standing, Im believing.

I have renewed my faith in God and put it in his hands. We took a vow, for better or worse. My husband doesnt believe in God or his "fairytale". I know God would never turn his back on his children. I made a commitment ofr LIFE, not just for when it feels right or when its convenient.

My husband has emailed me today asking me to face the music, its over. He doesnt want me and to set up my own bank account. I told him I have lots of funthings for us to do when he returns in 5 months and Divorce isnt on that list. He says its on his. I tell him things change. I will fight and fight harder than ever. I havent been blameless in this. I have withheld my emotions from him, so scared that if I truly allowed myself to live, that he would leave me and the one thing I tried so hard to save is now running and flailing. I am trying hard to be a better me, to get my life together. He has been my sole support for 7 years. I have no family, minimal friends, no job, just him and my kids. I am working on changing that. I have started counseling, church, activities, looking into returning to school. I have told him we have 5 months left to repair what has damaged us and I have all the faith that it can be done. It isnt just words, its true belief that got me here.

I found this website today while searching for ways to cope, to help us find our path.. I emailed him some of it on how to work together. I doubt he will read it as its littered with Christian thoughts and he is far too lost right now to even give it a thought. I have done all I can but I will never give up. People around me tell me to hope for the best and plan for the worst, but I cant plan for something I dont believe will ever come. I dont ever see us getting divorced, I dont see my life or my childrens lives not including him fullforce. This is out first deployment and this is out of character for him.. he has fought for me everytime I got scared and thought it was just easier to say godbye than to face what our marriage has become.. I decided 2 years ago when he begged me to stay that he was worth everything I could feel. Its taken me 2 years and this situation for me to realize that what I have, what we have is worth fighting for, but I dont know how to get him to open his heart back up. The darkness is surrounding him everyday, the environment he is in, the fear he feels 24/7, the thoughts that Im sure race through his mind in any downtime he has.. I have always been faithful to him. He is the only man I have loved for 7 years and hope to for the rest of my life.

I really need some help. I get stronger and more determined each day but Im scared that its just going to make him fight himself and his thoughts harder. He says he isnt strong enough to get through this. I cant bring him to find God, his eyes are closed and so is his heart, but I know that our marriage is so much stronger than this. Its worth everything to me.

My son prayed last night for he first time and his prayer was "please dont let my mommy and daddy spread apart".. I cant bear to tell my husband because he will think Im just trying to use the kids against him but this breaks my heart that my kids are scared. If the enviornment was so bad as my husband states, my kids woudlnt be asking for his daddy to come back to us.

Please, anyone with any guidance, anyone been through this and have a good story to share that is positive. Its funny because I have always been such a negative person and now Im the positive keeping this marriage afloat but I would be the strength for both of us as long as he needs it.

I'm in total shock

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:21:37 GMT

I've been married for 16 years and recently learned that my H has had multiple affairs. There have been at least 3 coworkers and he's admitted to going to "massage parlors" and escort services. He has been going through religious counseling and had been working up the courage to tell me when I found an email he had written to one of the counselors. I've asked him a lot of questions about "why" "who" and exactly "what" happened and he has been very forthcoming. He shared with me that during his counseling he learned that he had looked to sex as a form of validation, something that told him he was a true man. He said that there was never any emotional attachment to any of the women and no "relationship" lasted more than a few weeks. He feels that with God's help, marriage counseling and my forgiveness he can now be the man he should be and the husband I deserve.

I have to say I am in total shock. To me it sounds like I"m talking about two entirely different people - - the man I married and this other man, who's hurt me beyond all imagination. During our marriage we would hit the occassional rough spot. He would blame me - - not attentive enough, not enough sex, etc - - and I would accept the blame thinking I could be doing more, but always knowing there was this disconnect between us. I even participated in a trial medical study to increase my sexual drive, but there was still the disconnect between us. Over the years he would accuse me of being interested in other men, of possibly having affairs or wanting out of marriage. Again, I looked at myself and asked what was I doing to make him feel that way. In response, I dressed more conservatively, lost touch with many friends, put on weight and basically made myself as unattractive and unavailable to any other man as possible. As I look back, I realize that he was projecting all his insecurities on me. But that doesn't change the hurt, the paid, the 16 years of driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I could do to make things right, when all the time he had the answers and watched my emotional and physical deterioration. So here's the question... he wants to work it out, he wants to make it all up to me. I don't know if I can do it. How can I forgive someone I wholeheartedly trusted with my feelings, my heart and my soul and then crushed them all?

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Please let me know - - I want to know the good, the bad and the ugly as I'm facing it all right now.

Pray that God will heal our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:37:16 GMT

My first day here. The Lord knew what I needed, and lead me to this awesome website.

God blessed me with a wonderful gift 14 years ago, my husband, my hero, Rob. We have been married 13 years June 21, I celebrated alone. My husband left our marriage June 9, 2010, I was clueless until I read it on Facebook at 3 am. He is a combat medic, Army National Guard - fulltime, active duty, 16 years of service. We have been through many deployments...together. He went to Afghanistan in 2007, and returned in 2008 after 18 months. He and I both know that he left a part of him overseas, he didn't come back the same. His addictions have hold of him now, he is lost. He is a man of God, raised as a Christian, graduated highschool in a Christian Academy. Right now he is living for himself, and has turned his back on God, me, my kids, and his family. Two months ago, he said his unit may be deploying to Afghanistan again, in December 2011, he asked if I would be here when he got back. I said YES, I will always wait for him, no matter what. He said he didn't want to put me through another deployment, and put that burden on me. On June 9, he was stroking my hair while I was checking email, he said he loved me, I looked up at him and said "I love you more". The next thing I know he is saying hateful things to me, things my husband would never think of saying. Then he left. 3 weeks ago tomorrow. The hurt, pain, confusion, devastation knocked me to my knees, while there I have been praying. I will have to crawl before I can walk again, but I know I will stand...my husband made me ARMY STRONG. His family now...is all of his single Army buddies. He won't go to marriage counseling. He says he wants a divorce, and wants to be free. I can't grant him a divorce, I took vows, I can't break those vows. I told him nothing has been done that can't be undone, together with God, we can fix it. He will always have a home to come to, and I will always forgive him...for everything. I pray he will find the part of him that is missing, the part that loves me. I know it is worth finding. The man I love and married is worth finding, and worth fighting for. We need prayer for guidance, wisdom, and healing. The only comfort I get is from reading all his letters he wrote me over the years. He just got promoted last Saturday, he bought a new truck, plans to buy a motorcycle. He is going through his mid-life crisis, he will be 39 in September . I can only pray that this is a phase, and the Lord will open his eyes and heart...soon. Then he will see...the grass isn't always greener. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please pray for us. I know if the Lord leads me to it...he will get me through it. And through HIM...all things are possible. Thanks and God Bless

Re: Have you read "Love Must be Tough?" (continued)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:26:36 GMT

Dear Stillhopeful,

Thank you so much for the encouragement regarding the conversation with my mom. Some days it is hard enough to struggle through all the confusing and negative thoughts I manufacture on my own and submit those to God, without having more negativity and doubts added. Obviously, I know my marriage is a complete shambles and my husband, as he is right now, is unloving, often says unkind things, is consumed by selfishness and has rejected me. So far I seem able to remember that we had good things about our marriage and believe that God can restore the good and re-make the bad into something better. You mentioned a few days ago that when you made a list of your husband's positive qualities for Love Dare, mostly you had to look back a year for that list other than a few physical characteristics. But I see frequently in your posts that you still love your husband and between memories and glimpses of the old person, you very much continue to desire both a physical and emotional marriage with him. I feel the same about my husband. When I answer the phone, just the sound of his voice makes me happy for a moment, followed by a profound saddness as I remember that a to-the-point phone call is all I'm going to get. I'm finding it is very hard to stop wanting to share things with him, laugh with him, hold him, etc. If I display sadness for those things, my family sees it as some sort of sign that I'm an abused woman because, even though I know he is cheating, I still yearn for him. I took out LMBT last night and was flipping through it and page 144 which starts with "endless stories could be told of how God honored the perseverance of abused and ignored partners as they refused to give up" was a helpful reminder to me that the perspective on this post is the right one.

I am glad your baby has begun sleeping through the night. You are very strong to have gone through these months alone with an infant and three other children. It must be difficult when your son asks about his dad - the tent remark had to hurt. I'm sure the children are also a source of joy and purpose in your life right now as well. I appreciated the lesson from the bedtime storybook on Monday.

I have been praying that God is especially close to you this week as you face the uncertainty of your husband being away. It is too bad he won't make it back over the weekend with the car problem. I continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to reach out to your husband and pull him back into a Christ centered relationship and that God will put a hedge of protection around him and keep him from any relationships that are ungodly in this new living/working situation. You mentioned early on that your family were not Christians and I have continued to pray for them along with the husbands and other relatives for whom we are praying salvation. It must be awkward talking to your non-Christian family about the behavior they are seeing displayed in your Christian husband. I hope the counselor is helpful.

Dear KA,

Thank you for posting the prayer. I am glad you were able to find a little extra time to come on the post and update us on your situation. How is your sister-in-law doing? I continue to pray for that whole family. I hope your mother-in-law has been a bit more willing to stand for right than she was at one point.

You asked about the house. I put them off on Friday and said I had not yet made a decision (wished it would sell over the weekend, but it did not). Yesterday I got an e-mail from my realtor that it is still available and asking do I want to proceed. I have not yet responded, but I plan to tell her no. That first time they called back I felt strongly led to say no. I have since doubted that at moments (based on what my mom said which I posted yesterday, and on the fact another friend sees them calling as itself a sign from God to go forward). But I've given it a great deal of thought and I really do believe I was led to say no that initial time based on scriptures jumping out at me as my "answer" and the peace that followed with that decsion. This most recent time when it came up last week, I prayed and read and never have felt any response from God either direction. I was listening to a Charles Stanley sermon on his web site (all your mentions of Charles Stanley got me to take a look) called "When God is Silent" and it said sometimes God is silent if we have unconfessed sin. But if you have confessed your sin and he is still Silent, sometimes he is working behind the scenes and will do something amazing, sometimes he is teaching us to trust him or seek him, sometimes he is God and we have to respect his right to be silent. He suggested staying where you are until you know you hear his voice and to keep praying about the issue. That is my plan at the moment. A house is just way too big an issue to move on based on various humans giving me their opinion on something I think God already told me not to do.

Dear Emadiane,

Your prayers are very much appreciated. Thank you for sharing more about your situation with us. I will continue to pray that you are able to move forward in reconciliation with your husband and come to a point where he is faithful to your marriage.

Dear KitKat3and2,

How are you doing? I pray this week is going a little better for you than the end of last week.

Message was edited by: Moderator

Here is my problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:08:11 GMT

My name is Ronda and I am new here but I have a concern with my family and it is really bothering me. So here it goes. My husband and I were both married to other people before and his wife left him and my ex husband abused me. Niether one of us have kds of our own but both had step kids. I do not have any conntact with my former step kids except I get a email every now and again but my husband's former step kids are in his life in fact one lives with us. He is 22 and is working on getting his GED he has no job and he really does nothing all day! It is really making me angry I fell like we are trying to have our own family and this is getting in the way. He gets a samll check since he is disabled mentaly. he lived with us for a while and it worked out real well for a while then he went to vist his sister and did not come back for three months now he is a total diffrent person and not for the good. I have tried to discus this with my husband and he never wants to talk about it. We are just starting the process of doing the froster care to adopt program and I feel Like we need to concertrate on us. I just do not know what to do. I am triyng to change me by dealing with my issues and my hime and marriage and I feel like I am doing everything and they are not doing anything. My husband beleives in God but does not like church and hates the music and to have to give up his bad habbits no way this boy is the same way. any advice would be wonderful.

Thank you

Ronda

Husband left today...now what???

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:37:48 GMT

I have posted here before but don't know how to refer to the previous posts but...husband left today..packed a suitcase and left while my two girls watched...I took them into one of their bedrooms to try to avoid them having to watch his every step as he carried arm loads of clothes up and down the stairs...then left me to explain the whole thing to them-that was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do...I was not prepared for their reaction..it was horrible. I told him a few weeks ago that if he didn't agree to go to counseling that I thought that we should seperate to give us time to clear our heads and decide if we (or he) is willing to get help and move forward with this marriage. I have been in counseling and he refuses to go to the counselor that we saw once together I have given him the name and number of counselors to make an appt. He eventually decided he would go to counseling but has of yet made the appointment. Today walked around with a mad at the world attitude and when I asked him about it we ended up exchanging words..he left for about an hour and came back to pack and left again. I have prayed and prayed and I know that my Lord has His hand on our family but I cannot help but feel alone right now...how can I continue to care for these girls and put on my strong face when all I want to do is crawl under the covers for a few days??? Any advice would be great!!

Desperately needing advice on emotional affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:50:24 GMT

About a month after our first wedding anniversary I found out my husband had placed his profile on several dating sites. His profile read that he was looking for someone to share his life with and he was getting over a bitter seperation or divorce. When I confronted him about the issue he got really angry with me and wanted to know how I found out. I had asked a few weeks before whose name he had written down on a piece of paper he said it was a old friend from his trucking days. I found out this so called friend was not who he said it was, it was a girl on one of the dating sites he was on. The pain I felt that day was like someone reached in and ripped my heart out. We met with the pastor who married us and when he was asked why; he put the blame on me for my being to controling and not letting him do anything when he wanted to do stuff. At the time I was working two jobs with close to 60 hours a week trying to pay the bills, this was putting a strain on my health. I ended up in the hospital meeting with a crisis counselor and for several syncopal episodes.

My husband was not able to find a job due to the economy and health issues that came up during the first few months of marriage. My only issue was I felt he was not spending enough time with me and more time at his parents, friends and ambulance calls. I am an EMT and he is a ambulance driver, it was thru our respective volunteer fire companies that we met and was married a year and half later. Before the wedding he tried to tell me that we had to postpone the wedding because of money issues and even since we have been married he feels we would have been better off not getting married because of him not having a job. I was very understanding about him not having a job and the issue of not being able to find a job. I was looking for a fulltime job, beacuse I had went down to on part time job that consisted of me staying away during the week due to only having one vechile. We was seeing the pastor every couple weeks and during this time period my husband said he would take the profiles down. A later times I would find he had been back on the profiles, so in Nov of 2009 I got him a facebook account so he could talk to his friends and me online. After a upsetting conversation with the pastor, we decided that we needed to not go back for a little while. He left for Tennessee for a trucking job, after seeing the doctor on the job there he was advised he was not in the physical condition and sent back home. This was another blow to his pride; he told me he felt like he could not do nothing right, that no one believed in him, and that he was not able to be a husband to me. Christmas passed and the new year rolled around things was seening to get better, but in truth it was not getting any better.

I was already struggling at my work with a co-worker and also with my mother when I was staying down to got to work during the week. At home I just wanted to be able to spend time with him, but it seemed like if his dad or anyone else called he would go running to assist them leaving me in the dust. This was wearing on me and making me more upset that I did not know what to do anymore; I was questioning staying in the marriage and even God. I decided to try to spend my sunday mornings trying to get myself out of bed leaving my sleeping husband behind with the hopes of seeing him after I got back from church. I found a wonderful support from ladies in the church and I met another lady my age with some of the same issues from our backgrounds. I come from a very abusive home, my mother was verbally and sometimes physical to my dad and myself. My little sister escaped most of the abuse, due to her health issues. At the age of 13, I was sexually molested by a classmate for 2 years at a small private christian school. Even at the tender age of 15 I choice to wait for marriage, even though it was going to be a struggle for me. It was from this background that I came to a point that my heart was led to helping young girls thru life's issues. In Feb of this year I gave my testimony of my past at a ladies retreat, it was so freeing to tell someone else. My husband has told me I still need to talk to a counselor, the counselor I had before the place closed advised me that being a speaker would be one of the best things for me to do on this issue. We started going to a local pastor who is a professional counselor in our local area. The pastor advised us we need to work on communication, and gave us a assignment of one date a week. I have tried to set up the dates and let my husband set up the date nights but it seems something kust does not work out right.

In late april of this year I was able to find a fulltime job as an EMT, within a month of finding the job we was able to get a place in the lower income housing to help out on the cost of rent and housing. It was around this time period that a "old friend" came back into his life, this woman wanted to meet me. I was just not very sure of this issue, due to my husband carried an old photo of her in his wallet. My husband chose to talk to her more and I met her one day. She seemed nice at first, but after a little while her sarcasm and comments wore on me. One night she asked my husband to go out to the bar with her for her birthday, they called me and told me what was going on since I was at work. When time came for my husband to come pick me up, he was not there. I was very upset when they showed up, finally. A second time while I was away at work she decided to call him to go out to the movies with her, I happened to call to say goodnight to him and the phone call was cut short. The conversations I have had with her over time, she tells me that he has talked to her and told how much he loves me, and that he does not know why I do the things I do. I had chosen to walk away from her, because she upset me with her comments. When I told my husband that I felt the friendship needed to be stopped, he grew very angry with me saying he is not giving any of his friends up at all. The other day I tried to talk to him after having a long talk with my pastors wife about things. He tells me do I ever do anything right in your eyes, am I not doing enough trying to keep things going.

Very recently he was hired by an temp agency, so he has been working over 40 hours a week. Health issues still hit us, more him than I. Every wens evening he comes down to pick me up from work and hangs out at my work till I am done. A situtation came up at work where a male co-worker commented about my husband's attitude and asked me if my husband was having an affair. My husband overheard me talking to a church friend about the situtation and was very upset the question was asked and said no he was not having an affair.

I am emotionally exhausted and broken, I do not know how to communicate to him, I am trying to keep working and being at home only two-three days at a time. Because of my job involving working on weekends, I am unable to make it to church. This is something I hate so much and I feel I am getting lost without that time. I have been blessed with a part time job that does not take up as much time and will help with the bills. Thru that job I have been blessed to have a support group of ladies to call or go, too. I want to heal our marriage and I know deep down our Lord and Saviour can do that.

Life has been turned upside down

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:49:48 GMT

Recently my husband told me that because of a business relationship with a finance company and mishandling of money that he is looking at a prison sentence of 3-6 years in federal prison. We have been married 19 1/2 years and have 6 children. He has known of this possibility for several years but the investigation has taken a long time. He has cooperated from the very beginning and I guess had hoped that a deal could have been worked out that didn't involve jail time. He is the sole provider in our family and has made no provisions for us to have income while he is away or to pay overdue bills with his company. Now that he has been contacted about a plea deal the time is coming soon so he decided it was time to tell me. I love my husband and the life we have created but I am so angry at him for putting us in this situation. Each day I am faced with the reality of having to provide for my family when I haven't worked in 18 years. I do not have any experience or college education. With 6 children a minimum wage job will not go very far and one child is not in school yet so I will be faced with putting him in daycare. It is hard for me and hard on my husband...we know our time is limited and there is so much to accomplish. He has not been sentenced so we do not know how long this will take. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I can't fix it. I'm angry at him...angry at myself ...angry at everything. The reality of my husband going to jail is not something I can discuss with my family and I don't have any close friends that I could talk to about this. Just getting through the day is so difficult...as I do normal daily activities I think about that in a few months I will be doing this alone. How do we survive this? How do I protect our family from the gossip, provide for their daily needs and prepare for the future for all of us and for his return?e

My Husband CHEATED, I Can't Seem To Get Over It And Trust Him Again

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:30:51 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I am so angry and hurt!!!! I want to start this by saying I really do love my husband, but I am so HURT and ANGRY over this, that I am becoming a prisoner of my own mind. I do have to say that, husband has finally started showing improvement, and showing that he wants to work this out. We have started going to Church again, he started classes to become a member, and has not gone any where, stays in the house, etc. The problem I am having is........ He cheated on me "TWICE", and I can not seem to get over the second one, which in turn has put my attention on the first one also. Even though he is truly trying now, and we are in councelling, any little thing that he does that remotely makes me think of what he has done, or see little things that he does, that makes me think that he is looking to do it again (ie: shaves, wears certain clothes, stupid things that did "NOT" bother me b4, but does now since he cheated).

I can not seem to get over this, and I can not forgive him, what do I do??

Is this marriage worth saving

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:40:16 GMT

I posted an article last week regarding my husband. We are currently separated and he has no intentions of working on our marrige. He has done so many horrible things to destroy our marriage; pornography, affairs, verbal and physical abuse. He is also mentally ill. I think bibically I have enough reasons for a divorce. Can anyone attest to that? This has being the most difficult journey of my life. I am so drained emotionally just thinking about it. One of the reasons I'm scared to proceed with the divorce is because I know he is going to harass me and enlist other people to do so as well. I am so crushed inside because I have an autistic child who takes up alot of my time and I have to deal with this. I feel as though this is more than I can bare.

Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 03:46:49 GMT

Is the grass greener? I thought it would be--14 years ago. I was married for 24 years to my first husband. We were married at an early age--I was almost 20 and he was almost 23. We didn't have a perfect marriage--but it was comfortable and we did love each other. Unfortunately, there was infidelity--first on his part (both times when I was in the last term of my pregnancies). I forgave him and life went on. But something sacred had been broken--our wedding vows...

A few years later I crossed the line--for a moment--and then confessed and he forgave me. I always considered myself to be a "good girl" and never thought that I'd be unfaithful--but something happened to me--I became addicted to the thrill of pursuing and being pursued. I stepped over the line a few more times (emotionally--not physically) and then, at my husband's request--I had breast augmentation. I really wasn't in favor of this--but he had been asking me for 15 years--to have it done--and I finally gave in. It wasn't anything outrageous or out-of-proportion--but it really affected me in a way that I didn't imagine. Shortly after the surgery I started becoming more brazen in my extra-marital excursions. What started out to be flirtations and emotional liasons were getting closer to physical intimacies. Finally, I crossed the line. I met a man during this "bubble" time in my life and quickly became physically involved with him. I told myself that he was the one that I should be with--not my husband. I really convinced myself that this was right and that I was married to the wrong man.

During a moment of conscience--I confessed to my husband that I had been unfaithful. He was very angry--but I told him that it would not happen again. The "other man" moved out of the state--but I kept him in my mind and heart. I didn't see him for 25 months and my marriage was growing stronger. But then--I got a letter from him--saying that he was coming to town. All those feelings that I had kept in my heart and mind came back to the surface--and I was unfaithful--again. When he left the state after our brief connection--I became determined that I would have him in my life; and so I continued to keep the contact alive--even though he lived 12 hours away and I rarely saw him.

He never wanted to break up my marriage--but I told him that he was the one I wanted to be with... He was finally ready to have me move in with him. I was ecstatic. He was the love of my life--my knight in shining armor. I told my husband that I had continued to stay in touch with "the other man" and that I wanted to leave our marriage to be with him. He was crushed. He did not know that I had remained in contact with the man. He told me that he forgave me and wanted me to stay. He wanted us to go to counseling and offered to buy some books on marriage, etc. But my heart was hardened and I can still hear myself saying to him that I still loved him--but--I was "in love" with the other man. I also justified my leaving him by saying that it wouldn't be fair to him--if I stayed married--and always wondered what my life would be like with the other man...

Well--I left him and left our 17 1/2 year old son--and went to live with my "knight in shining armor..."

Shall I say that God's Holy Spirit went to work on me immediately? But I was so proud. I had put so much into this storybook fantasy--that I didn't know how to go back home to my first family. So I stayed with #2 and we got married 10 months later. Has this second marriage been the life of bliss? No. As I said, the Holy Spirit finally was able to reach my heart--and I was on my face before the Lord. I asked for His forgiveness and I know that I am forgiven. But life is not perfect and it amazes me just how blind I made myself--to obvious red flags--when I was so full of fantasy.

The one good thing that has come of all of this: I am a Christian--now. I've been reading from the Bible ever since I finally turned my heart back to God and His word. "Love Must Be Tough," was a book I had read-- before the affair. But I went right down the road--anyway. I used to see the book, "Men are from Mars--Women are from Venus," but never picked it up and read it--until after I had chosed the wrong path.

I can't count how many times I have sobbed my heart out--alone--and wished that I could undo what I have done. I am reaping what I've sown--more than I've sown--and longer than I've sown.

Please be warned: DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER Obeying God's commands IS! God does forgive--if we ask--but he does not remove the earthly consequences that follow our actions/choices. I never dreamed that I would break up my family and disrupt the "family tree." I was NEVER going to get divorced...

Message was edited by: Moderator

My husband wants a divorce, its all my fault!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 22:26:50 GMT

I have been married for 3 years but with my husband for almost 10 years. I have made many mistakes and now he wants out and I am heart broken. I grew up in a phhysically abusive home and have let it into my marriage. When I have been angry I have hit and cursed at him. Not to excuse my mistakes but that is not something that is current but something from about 7 months ago. Mainly because I have tried to change my ways. I am so heart broken over what I have done to my family and wish that I could take it back but I guess I can't. Is there anyone out there that can encourage me or atleast understand me. I am not proud of myself I am actually trying to even care about living. Please pray for me.

its over....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:11:17 GMT

hey its me again. I am writing to let everyone on here to know that I give up. I tried everything. I implemented love must be tough. She says that she needs someone with backbone, whatever that means. She feels that she makes all the decisions which is not true. When it comes to dating, i'm usually the one who decides where to go but she'll say she wants to go somewhere else. So we'll usually go to what she is in the mood for, which i don't mind at all. but when it comes to serious decisions like money and bills, i'm the one who decides which money goes to what. I'm an easy going guy and i don't like confrontation. I like to keep the peace with no fights because thats all i ever knew growing up. her main complaint is how she doesn't love me, never did love me and if she does choose to stay, the marriage has to be sexless. I can't live like that where love is only going one way and there is no sex involved. I have tried praying with her but i know she is not "there". physically she is there praying with me but i know that she isn't "there". I conduct bible study with her but she is distant. she grew up in a church setting where praising God is emphasized. I come from a church backround where emphasis on bible history and apologetics is emphasised. there was a time when she would read the Word and ask me the history behind a certain verse in the bible and i would always be joyful in explaining. and the fact that she is in love with another man who is married who happens to be her exboyfriend. she admitted to be on contact with him at one point but would not tell me what was spoken so i hacked into her email and pulled it up. i'm not even mad at the guy. He told her exactly what i wouldve told her. she had told him how she loves him but dismissed that by telling her how the grass isn't greener on one side. I have prayed and prayed for God to move but its seems that things have only gotten worst. I dont understand how could this be happening. I love her dearly, so much...but i cant live in a state where i am neglected, unloved, and striving to capture something that isnt there. where i am being emotionally and verbally abused. trying everything and sacrificing everything is an understatement. i still want to hold on to hope, but there is no hope to hold on to...my health is deteriotating as a result of all this mess....if there is anything else i should do...please tell me...i fear that this marriage is doomed to fail...

friendship with the opposite sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:23:59 GMT

i was wondering today... would it be okay if i had a guy friend? even if i knew him before i got married and we kind of had a crush on each other for awhile??? like when i was 14 ?even though i dont have feelings for him that way anymore of course but i dunno.. i'm kinda confused about this topic because my husband has a lot of girl friends not romantic relationships but i sometimes do get jealous of them. and i have no guy friends at all. and i have always thought it was unfair that he has had these relationships but i have not. is this a normal question to ask???

Trust and Growth issues

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 23:09:26 GMT

I am recenlty married six months ago. My husband is a great guy, but struggles like any other. When we first started dating, he was not walking with the Lord. He says he was saved when he was 18 at a church, he says he walked down the aisle and prayed with a pastor. He was not raised in a strong Christian home, but they are all good people and believe in God. When we met, his "in" with me was asking for my number so he could come to church with me. He has come to chruch with me every sunday, just about, since we've been togehter. I have made a huge mistake of making him feel like he needs to be a "super Christian" or at least on his way there to be with me or make me happy. He will pray with me on his way to work, at my request- he does a devotion here and there and will usually try to tell me about it, just to keep me happy- and he goes to chruch with me on Sundays, but I doubt he would go on his own. I do have to say that when our pastor at chruch presches (who he has really developed a decent relationship wtih), he is stirred and looks forward to talking to me about it when we get in the car. But, I feel as if he is doing this all for me now, and I don't know what I should do from here to make this about Who it should be about. I made the mistake of marrying a young believer who is not anywhere as intense about his walk as I am. I know God wants me to stay with him, and I am going to- but it gets discouraging and I get upset with myself for falling in love with him. I really do love him and I believe that God has us together for a reason, but this time of "discovery" is so discouraging. I have made him feel like he has to be perfect to be with me. I have caught him hiding little "sins" here and there, like chewing tabaco (he's a baseball player, guess thats what thye do?) and he just seems to shelter me in general from the world. He was very sorry for hiding the chewing issue- but did I just set myself up for failure? I don't know what to do? I try to encoruage him to grow, but he probablly sees it as me molding him into who he needs to be to be married to me. We are trying to get active in a small group, but our chruch doesnt have sunday school so we goto another church for sunday school sometimes. I know he needs male accountability and encouragment, but he works horrible hours and its hard for us to be involved in much consistenly. I will buy him books and remind him to do his devos and ask him to pray- but rarely does he to me. I'm very discouraged and would appreciate some Godly counsel.

Need Prayer for Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:20:31 GMT

Hi. This is my first time posting a thread, although I have been thinking about it for a while. However, I feel like I am in a battle, and somedays (like today), I feel myself being pulled into the trenches, I know that I am need of the prayer of others to help pull me out. My husband and I are in counseling, and we really just started a few months ago. The counselor told us right from the get-go that marriage counseling can be a very long process, and boy, that was an understatement. In some ways, I feel like we have gone backwards. Neither my husband nor I were prepared for the challenges of marriage. Both of his parents have been married and divorced several times, and quite honestly, I just don't think I understood what it meant to be a wife. Although I have always considered myself a christian, I have only, in the last two years, begun to understand what it meant to walk with the Lord. My husband had a very difficult childhood. Through our counseling sessions, my eyes were really opened to the depth of his pain. He was raised by his dad and told often that his mother had left him. He did not have a good relationship with his mother growing up, and in general, it was not a healthy situation for a kid. I don't want to sound like I am putting this off on my husband, because I certainly have my own issues. However, through my walk with the Lord, my eyes have been open to some of the ways that I have failed in my marriage, and what I need to work on.

The problem that we are having right now, and have been having for a while, is that my husband has completely shut down. He speaks to me with utter contempt. He can't even look at me. Despite my efforts to be positive, when I try to talk to him and his body language seems as if he hates me, and I just end up breaking down and crying. I wish that I could be stronger. It seems as if he has built these huge walls around himself now, and no one, lest of all me, is going to be able to get through them. We have another counseling session tonight, so I am praying for some help and direction from her, and I have not stopped praying to God for help, strength, comfort, direction, etc. The reason why I am writing this is because I know that my husband is not my source of peace, and I know that he will never fill the void in my heart. But, how do I keep from letting my sadness, my hurt eat me up? That is why I would appreciate some prayers. Also, although he goes to church, I don't know if he is saved. This must sound strange because he is my husband and I should know this. But, anytime I broach the subject, he gets angry, and changes the subject. So, I also pray that he will open up his heart to God's peace.

Thank you for your prayers.

Separated considering Divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:45:54 GMT

My husband and I have being married for 5 years. Our marriage has being on the rocks from the start, nevertheless we always seem to overcome our challenges. A few months ago, a crisis happened in our marriage that separated us. Through this crisis I have discovered some very dark secrets that my husband has being carrying. Throughout our entire marriage, he has slandered me with his ex-girlfriends, his family and my family, basically anyone that would listen to him. He said that I hurt and he wrote somewhat demeaning things on facebook towards me. He changed his status from married to single. In addition to this he is involved in pornography,and is attempting to have affairs. In fact, he probably is having an affair. He said that he is not returning home because I hurt him and I told him if he's this unhappy he should give me a divorce and he REFUSES. I told him I would get the papers but I know that he will not sign it. We have a child together, which makes things complicated.

The odd part is I was ready to submit the divorce papers after we got separated but the Lord sent several people to witness to me. I truly want to move on with my life because my husband is not fulfilling his role as a spouse and he has hurt me emotionally and I just want to end things. How can this be worth saving?

As the days go by it's as though I'm getting over him. In fact I'm doing everything in my power to erase the pain and enjoy my life. We've only being separated 3 months, while I do love him, I dont think it's fair to me to have to go through this. I think a divorce would be best but everytime I start the process of obtaining the papers again something inside is stopping me.

Help! Scared! Angry! In Shock!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 04:57:30 GMT

Anyone that has been in a similar situation, please give me some advise. My 17th wedding anniversary is next month and I just found out that my husband has been into porn our whole marriage and for a couple years having sex at massage parlors and escort svcs. We have 3 kids and one on the way. I can't leave because I love my kids too much to do that to them but I don't know how I can survive in this marriage. My husband wants to work it out, and I told him I do too but as the hours go by I'm so grossed out and angry that I don't know how it will work. He betrayed me and lived a big lie for all these years, I don't know this person he is now. He's taking all the right steps to get it right, meeting with pastors, accoutability partners, praying and reading the Bible more than ever, having a loving attitude toward everyone and he's going to start going to a prodigal international support group. I can tell he's had this big burden lifted from him by coming out with it but I don't know if I can ever give him my heart again or be intimate. Is it possible to ever get past the images and thoughts of him sharing a bond with all these other women. How can I ever live up to what he has seen and experienced. Can I ever love him again or is it possible to fake it for 18 yrs until all my children are grown up?

Please help me!

It is OVER

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:18:12 GMT

After 11 months of trying everything to reconcile and praying non stop for God to fix my marriage, he did. My wife of 28 years and I have attended counseling and I just couldn't figure out why she wasn't buying into what our counselor was suggesting. We took trips to Mexico seeking to find what we had lost along the way. I did everything possble to restore the passion and commitment to our marriage. Many times feeling like a doormat and being told everything was my fault. I had over the years battled anger management issues, but truly didn't feel like I was ever abusive. Prayer and restoring a solid relationship with God, got me thru the many difficult times. Finally after almost 10 months of counseling and remaining living together and constantly having the threat being held over my head of if you mess up one time, I'm out of here. The therapist suggested we seperate and see how it went. I moved out in early July. I had been made aware that my wife, had been meeting another man secretly, which she met up with on Facebook. She had shared with a mutual friend that they had only kissed and it made her feel young, alive and excited. She even text this mutual friend asking if she had ever had an affair and that she was seriously considering having one. All this while we continued counseling and all was kept secret from me. While seperated, I have been told by the other man's spouse (whom contacted me totally unsolicited) that he told her in guilt & despair that he and my wife would meet at a motel and were having an affair for the past 8 months.

I was crushed, but alot made sense now. I had prayed and prayed for God to fix my marriage and to give me the patience and wisdom to accept his direction. I felt let down and my faith was at an all time low. Upon being told the whole truth, my wife admitted it, only after I filed for divorce. I have come to realize that God does answer prayers. I couldn't let go and refused to accept the fact that God wouldn't fix my marriage. I simply never knew that my wife had already checked out of our marriage and was involved with another man. She was only holding on to me for the financial security that came with me. She will get what she is intitled to thru the divorce and get what she deserves on judgement day. I am not God, but I believe that he knew that I could take no more and made the truth known to me. I grieved, hurt and have now, forgiven her and pray she forgive me for any hurt or pain I ever caused her. The rest is in God's hands and our attorneys. I will love my wife till the day I die, she is the mother of our two children and I spent 29 years of my life with her as the ONLY woman in my life. I am firmly convinced that her midlife crisis and her lies and infidelity will never allow me to trust or respect her again. I pray that all of you going thru desperate times, realize that God does answer prayers, just sometimes not the way we had hoped. I am now at peace and look forward to God guiding my life in the direction he wants it to go.

Confused about my feelings of love toward my husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 00:55:29 GMT

I might be making mountains out of mole hills but I believe that I am following out of love with my husband. We have been married 7 years and dated 5 years before that. During any of my past boyfriend relationships, I have gotten these feelings that he was not the one for me. These feelings were "thoughts of dating other guys", "not being tied down to just one guy", and being able to do anything I want, when I want. So now that I am married, I am getting some of these feelings again. I love my husband but I dont think I am "in love" with him anymore. Last year, I kinda got these feelings but felt it was because he was not showing me any love the way that I wanted to be loved. I was going to have major surgery, and I felt he was just going to be there at the hospital in body form. I was proven wrong. Since then, I have looked at him like a I could just eat him up. I loved him sooooo much. Now in just a flick of a light switch, my love has changed. I am basing everything on my past boyfriends and knowing how my feelings are. I want to be soooooo wrong,and I want God to show me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill but deep down I don't think so. My mother always said that these feelings will either get worse or better. I feel that they are getting worse. I am afraid that we will separate and then divorce. I have not read anything that lets me think that I can change my feelings or that these feelings are coming from something lacking in my marriage. I know that I am either going to get tired of dealing with these stupid feelings and divorce or I will get used to them for them to be even worse the next time. I don't want to loose my husband over something stupid. I am so confused!!

Husband Lies About Chewing Tobacco

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:37:27 GMT

Hello

I need some advice desperatey. Since we were married six years ago, my husband has had an on-again off-again addictiont to chewing tobacco. I first discovered it after a year of marriage...and since then, he has consistently failed to be completely truthful when confronted about it. One time, I found some on the carpet in his car and when I asked him, he said it was dirt...come on, really? Another time, it was beer. He had had some in the house, and then one day, I caught him hiding an extra beer can behind some cans of paint in the laundry room. Last week, I smelt smoke. I asked if he was smoking and he said no....truthful, I guess. Then when I asked him when the last time was that he had chew, he said two weeks ago. After grueling questioning, it was discovered that he did not indeed bum some off of a buddy...but when I asked if I were to check his car, what would I find...he brought out a whole can of it!! You bought that didn't you, I asked...he did. He then went on to admit he had had chew that very night....not two weeks ago, like he first tried to claim. Bits of truth kept spilling out until I think what I got was the whole story....still not convinced of that. I kept saying it did not make sense that his lips tasted of smoke....I am not stupid. This is the last time. Next time he tries to lie to me, he is moving out until things change. We are going to meet with a pastor at our church. I don't know if he's ever told me the whole truth...ever. Other than lying about tobacco and alcohol (in the past), currently it is about chew, he is a great guy. I am so in love with him and he is a great dad....I just can't stand being lied to....any thoughts?

Re: Have you read "Love Must be Tough?" (part 3)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 19:21:18 GMT

Continuing your conversation from the previous thread ...

Dear TC, Thank you for the things you said. Well, my husband stayed out of contact until an hour before lunchtime today, when he called to say he was on his way and had just switched his phone on. 'Something' has happened. He is very upset about whatever it is (to the point of being tearful) but says he doesn't want to talk about it. I have asked all sorts of things that I guessed it might have been- contact with the other person, someone was there that shouldn't have been on his night out last night, did something he shouldn't have at a nightclub, but he just says no to it all and that he doesn't want to talk. He has gone out for a walk just now, so I have been praying that it will all come to light. I pointed out to him that if this is something 'big', and I find out later when he has covered it up, that will be worse....

Dear emadiane, I will pray for wisdom for you James 1:5, Jeremiah 33:3. I would agree with MDJ that you wouldn't want to do anything that might 'backfire' on your own marriage- that was what always put me off contacting 'her' last year when I first found out, as I knew my husband would be livid.

Dear kitkat, I am so sorry each day is so hard right now. I will pray for God to fill you with his peace that surpasses all understanding.

Take care all of you,

stillhopeful.

Should I let her go.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 12:33:55 GMT

I have been a monster of a husband with infidelity, dishoner and disrespect for her......but over the last 18 months I have begun the transformation of myself. I have begun to improve my relationship with my kids and als begun to be more considerate of my wife and focus on the relationship with my young children. I have begun to focus on my life with Christ and I relalize that only with Jesus will my life have meaning. At this point she has decided that she does not want to continue with this marriage. She has decided that this is her time now. She admits that it is selfish of her, but she doesn't care she says. She wants to find herself and to live her own life now. I have been walking on water for the last month or so and have shown how I can be. I know that my words are empty and only actions have value. I have acted righteous and trying to be godly, but she has continued to remind me of that there is no hope and it makes no difference; there is no love and she doesn't care what happens at this point. I haev done everything and have asked her to come to God and that only he can repair this. I have expressed to her the effects of what this decision would mean, but she seems to think that it will be nothing but roses if she goes through with this and goes off on her own. She has moments where she recognizes the love, but she is so set on getting out and experincing a single life without me and the only life she has ever known.

I don't know if this is just her anger and resentment playing out and she is just dragging me through the mud because of the monster I have been. I don't know if I should hang on and conintnue to show her with my actions or if I should leave and allow the realities of divorce or seperation take effect. The financial destruction, the isolation of the children and the destruction of the family and the only life our children have ever known.

I need help......and I am desperate......

I lost it all; I have no reason to go on; I know I need help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:48:02 GMT

Five years ago it appeared I 'had it all'. I owned my own home, owned my car, had a good job and had $50K in the bank. Now I am on my second marriage (6 years, and we are far from happy together) bought a home with him (valued $90,000 less than what we paid 5 years ago), lost my car (repairs were more than what it was worth, so I now drive his), lost my job and have three bills going into collections this month. I am trying my best to trust God and acknowledge maybe he took all my material things to show me what really matters, but all I want to do is die to end the pain. I have no friends, no family to rely on either. Please! help me will you?

Husband assault charges, What do I need to do now?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 04:11:39 GMT

My husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for a few months now. But it is much more serious now. A couple of nights ago he was intoxicated and hit me when I would not "cuddle" with him. He also shoved me in our bedroom right after I told him I didn't want him to sleep next to me because he hit me. After all of this he went to sleep on the couch. So I went to my parents house (with our daughter, she is 7 months old) and I called the police, but it had been 3-4 hours since it occured. The officer came and took pictures and a voluntary statement from me. When the officer went to our place to see my husband he said there appeared to be scratches all over his body. He wanted to know if I did that intentionally. It was in self defense, I don't know what was said but apparently my husband told the officer I was hitting him.

It ended up that my husband was arrested and brought to the county detention center (jail) and he is being charged. I did not choose to press charges, it is something they legally (the county) have to do to protect the victim and family. At this point I do not know what to do/say because I won't know anything about his charges and fines until after the hearing tomorrow. I am very nervous and anxious to hear what the judge says.

This is a very situational occurance and he has never been to jail. I am not justifying this by any means. I am just trying to say my husband is not the type of person to be found in jail or in any serious trouble. So I do want to be able to talk to him, when the county allows that, if he is willing to talk to me. The problem is, I don't know what he is feeling and thinking about all of this. I really want to go to marriage counseling with my husband or alone and try to work things out. For now I can only hope and pray that he feels the same way. I have been praying for the Lord to soften our hearts and to guide me through this.

Please pray for our family and the healing of our marriage. Thank you

This is not how I pictured it.... now what

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 00:12:23 GMT

About a year ago we moved our family due to my husbands company relocting. I was thrilled because I had been wanting to be home full time for a couple of years with our then 3 children. We were also dedicated to homeschooling our kiddos, which would be much easier if I was home. In looking for a town to live in we opted to move to a town about 45 minutes away from my husband's office. We knew this would mean more time away, but the town was close to the church we decided to attend and our hope was then closer to the majority of our social connections and homeschool connections. At first this seemed to work well. We made some wonderful connections at church and with other homeschooling families in our area. My husband did work late some evenenings each week, and for the most part I was understanding. He is the IT director at his office and so I understand that things come up and he doesn't always have control over leaving by a certain hour.

Lately however I have been feeling quite different. I find myself often frustrated when he's not home for dinner at 6:30. We had talked several months ago about this and I asked that he be home at least 2 nights a week. He agreed to this and did for a few weeks, but now we're lucky to have him home for 1 night during the week. We now have 4 kiddos and I am exahusted at the end of the day. Cooking dinner is usually a 3 ring circus because everyone wants/needs something, I'm trying to cook, and I'm all alone and tired. He told me the other day it's hard to come home when I'm stressed because it makes him stressed. I tried to explain, but he doesn't understand. To top things off the kids started soccer practice this week. He said, "Oh I need to make arrangements to leave work early so I can be at practice." My immediate thought is, okay make a sacrifice for the kids, but not me, your wife. He grew up in a family where his parents neglected their marriage for 18 years while he grew up and then they had a mess when he left home. I don't want a repeat of that. I know he loves me and he always feels bad when he can't meet my expectations or needs, but that doesn't change my frustration. I don't know what to do now!

Infidelity in a marriage which resulted in a baby,Do I stay or go?????????????

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:18:25 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We are Christians. He strayed away from God because of a sexual addition. and recently admitted that he has been having an affair(sexual encounters) with a woman for 10 years! As a result a baby was recently born. As you can imagine this is a shock and a rollercoater of emotions has been happening. We both have been before God crying,fasting and praying. He wants to hold the marriage together by any means necessary. We have two children and that is a major component. I am praying that God deals with my heart. I do love my husband and know I must forgive. This is the law of God. However, I don't know if this is a burden that I am willing to carry because of his stupidity and disregard for the possible consequences. I am lost and could use prayer and advise!!!!!!!!!!!

How do I explain why sex is important to men without adding pressure to her life?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:39:19 GMT

I've been married over 25 years, have two teenage kids, and love my wife dearly, but I need more physical intimacy. My stay at home wife is a great mom, she's a good and faithful wife to me, she's active in church, and she does for others constantly, but if I have interest in sex with her she seems disinterested and sometimes agitated. We were very active when we were first married, of course less when the kids were small, and now sometimes a year will go by without sex. I've read the articles by Dr. Juli Slattery, "Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs" and I can tell Dr. Slattery knows how men are wired, but my lovely wife doesn't. If I were to suggest she read something like this, she would feel I was pressuring her to have sex on top of all of the other things she has to do in life. I'm not a perfect dad or husband, but I only have interest in her and not porn or other women, so what do I do? Having sex with her makes me feel more connected in everyway and I feel like I was a better husband when she had more of an interest in having sex with me. I don't want her to feel like it's a chore or that I'm following her around with only one thing in mind, but I do need her.

Husband Just Confessed Yet Another Affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:14:11 GMT

I really need help. I'm in such a bad place. My husband came home in July from a six month deployment and confessed having a two month affair.

A little history - My husband is a Christian man who loves the Lord but has a self control problem and is an admitted sex addict. We have support groups in our church we both attend and have been through years of counseling on and off. We have been married for twelve years. Along with looking at porn from time to time, the first time he had a physical affair was first deployment years ago. He called immediately and admitted it and was so "sorry" and swore never again. Second and third time a few years within each other and same thing. It hit me hard, like a ton of bricks.

This is a guy who knows the avoidance techniques. He knows the Lord and wants so badly to walk with God and live in his will. He has read the books and has the accountability partner, blah blah blah. We have tried so hard. WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH!!

I am at the end of my rope. Barely hanging on. It is devastating and ruining everything in my life. From my relationship to other people right down to sleeping. I have gotten to the point where I have to drug myself up (prescription drugs) to sleep and still wake up crying half way through the night. I have nightmares and he is the "boogeyman" in my dreams. I cannot get it out of my head. It gets harder and harder each time. I tried to kick him out but felt sorry for him and feeling like I'm wrong because I just want to punish him.

I know what your thinking. I have prayed and prayed and I have so much faith in God that he will love me and take care of me. I totally trust in him and would do anything he asks of me. I can't hear him right now. I have not been able to hear what his will is for me. We are talking about ten years of this battle of porn, affairs, etc. Our relationship isn't even where it should be because of all this getting in the way.

I just need to know if hoping his hopeless. I am praying and I know God hears. I love the Lord and have peace in him. Its my husband who brings evil into my house and diversity into our lives. He invites the devil in every time he gets back from a deployment. Takes a peaceful, loving house and turns it upsidown. I want so badly to know its all going to be ok with him. I want him to have that passion in his heart for the Lord that I have and the passion in his heart to seek God's will for our life but I can't make him do that. I ask but that is all I can do. He goes to church, he checks off the boxes in his list of "right" things to do but his heart is not there and I know it.

Please if anyone has been here before, please share with me. I know nobody but God can tell me what to do as far as kicking my husband out or sticking it out. But some advice on coping along the way until I hear God would be wonderful. The pain is unreal. Anything....

Thanks for listening, God Bless.

I just do not have any feelings.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 03:49:01 GMT

I have been married for 21 years and for about a year or so I can't be intimate with my husband. I am not having an affair or an emotional affair. I love him but I can't stand to be around him. I don't want to be mean or to turn him away but I almost get physically ill thinking about it and can't get myself to change. I don't know what is wrong with me and even tried to take a medication but it did not help. I pray all the time for God to help me and I just don't know what to do. How can I love him but don't like to be around him. It makes no sense to me. I do not like anybody else or have any feelings for anyone else I just don't have any feelings at all it seems. Please pray for us. Thank you.

Is My Husband Having An Emotional Affair?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 21:06:28 GMT

This is the first time I have posted, and I praise God for this forum and the hope of being able to get some help. I am really struggling in my marriage right now. I have been married for over 30 years, and for most of those years I have had a wonderful, close, relationship with my husband. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband owns his own business. He works very hard to provide for our family but, unfortunately, this usually involves long hours working from 7am-10pm most weeknights, half day Saturday and sometimes Sunday. We also have a missions-oriented ministry that we started together about seven years ago.

About five years ago, we met a married couple at church that we liked very much. We became very close and started spending alot of time with them. The wife joined our missions team and we were happy to have her. As time went on, she became more involved with things and started helping my husband with some of the activities we were involved with (i.e. emails, phone calls, contacting people, advertising). She is a very hard worker and enjoyed serving and being in the middle of things. After awhile, I began to feel that she and my husband were developing a close relationship - one that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. She began taking on responsibilities that were once mine and my husband was spending alot of time interacting with her via email, cell phone, and texting. I also found out that on numerous occasions they had had coffee and lunch together and my husband never told me. Another concern was that my husband always wanted to get together and do things with this couple - every weekend - but he never wanted to spend time with just me. We share the same circle of friends with this couple and when we end up at events together, it always seems like my husband and the wife always end up together in some way, sitting together, talking, laughing, and joking around.

As time went by she took on more responsibility in our ministry, and before I knew it, she was doing pretty much everything for him. She became his assistant, his confidant, and (I felt) my replacement. Some new people that joined our ministry were surprised when they found out that I was his wife and not her. On several occasions I spoke to him about how I felt. But he always said nothing was going on, that I was being jeleous and unreasonable. Finally I felt God was telling me I needed to put a stop to this and I told my husband that I needed him to distance himself from her. He said he didn't know how to do that because she was such an integral part of our lives (our ministry, our good friends, our church, and also in another service organization that she and my husband belong to). I came up with some suggestions which he agreed to. Things got a little better and he has taken on more responsibility in the ministry, but three out of four Sunday afternoons last month were spent with this couple. There was always some excuse to justify it that I couldn't say no to. And a few days ago I was looking in the ministry email to get information about an event that we have coming up, and I noticed that he is still sending her emails. He is asking for her opinion on certain matters and copying her on emails sent to other people. These emails are not of a personal nature, but I am longing to be his assistant, confidant, and his help-mate. He does not ask for my opinion or copy me on any emails. The things that I have mentioned here just scratch the surface of what's been going on. There is not enough room here to tell the whole story.

I just don't know what to do. I have tried working on myself. I went to a Christian counselor for awhile. I tried to get my husband to go but he refused. I try to make our home a place that he will want to come home to. I keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, fix a good dinner. I try to look my best when he gets home and be happy to see him. I don't bring up problems or nag and complain. But he just can't seem to separate himself from this woman.

I have spoken confidentially to a couple of Christian friends and they have suggested that I talk to her. I suggested this to my husband and he said absolutely not. He didn't want her to get mad and quit our ministry group. But when he says something like that, it makes me feel like she is more important than my feelings.

From what I have described here, is my husband having an emotional affair? If anyone can share their experience or insight, I would very much appreciate it.

Lack of Attraction; feel like a jerk, don't know what to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:18:45 GMT

I just am not attracted to my husband physically. I remember having small concerns about that when we dated and became engaged—he was not what I “always dreamed of” physically and my attraction to him grew very slowly. (We started as simply friends. He was attracted to me from the start visually. It was two years before I developed feelings that went beyond friendship, always very firmly rooted in the emotional connection. Perhaps a sign of this struggle which I now face?) He is the man of my dreams on all other levels and I had no big reservation deciding to marry him—I did not want to be so shallow and critical of his looks, allowing "Hollywood" to tell me what was most important on so that I wouldn't marry this guy. You probably think I must be a very selfish person. But now I feel like I'm married to someone that isn't satisfying physically to me....

I absolutely hate it that I come in contact with other men that will make my temperature rise and I have to run in the other direction because there’s this involuntary attraction to them that’s very strong. I have a wonderful connection with my husband and I would say I have a good marriage on all other levels. I enjoy sex with my man, but in terms of the sexual fire, my husband is way more “taken” by me than I am of him. People joke that he "married up" when he married me - and that kind of talk doesn't help me; it encourages me to agree! Then, along comes a random man I don’t know, and I’m powerfully attracted to him! Arg! I know sometimes the struggle we have is not against flesh and blood and that the enemy would love to break up a marriage in ministry (we are in visible ministry). Sometimes I wonder if I am under attack this way. I know that love is action, commitment, choice. I have grown up in the church with an awesome marriage to witness between my parents. I am not considering divorce. My marriage is still young and I want to cultivate that which will help it thrive over my whole life in ministry with my man.

Not to muddy the water, but I do struggle with an eating disorder (I have experienced a lot of healing there), but I wonder if my criticism of his looks stems from my own wounds and insecurity. Not having feelings of attraction is a real thing however...I just don't know if my issues are responsible for a large or small percentage of this lack of fire? I don't have a lack of fire towards others!?

I desperately want to look upon my husband in pleasure. I want to thrill to his touch. I know that marriage is work—it’s good work, and I want to know what I can work on for this. I struggle with physical attraction toward him and want to know what I can DO about it. I want to serve him and really act out actions of love. What if I feel like I’m doing this, but I’m still struggling to find myself attracted to his appearance and struggle with even wanting intimacy? How should I pray? Out of my mental battle with this came a moment where my husband caught on and I had to admit to him my low level of physical attraction toward him and mentioned I thought it would help if he gained some weight. Now I've hurt him. I feel like the biggest jerk and I feel like one of those people who have hurt me that way in the past. I've brought up an area of insecurity for him as well that he thought he was free from in our marriage. I feel like I've totally messed up and made things awful...could I have avoided this hurt and pain by fixing myself mentally somehow? I'm always trying to do that though...sometimes it's not me. I don't want to make impossible demands on my mate and make him feel disrespected. But right now I cannot help the feelings I have and I guess it's probably good that they are known by him so we can try to address it lovingly together...not sure where to turn.

My husband is very demonstrative with his love and always tells me how blown away he is by my looks, and it makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to lie to him—I want to be able to reciprocate. I can’t even believe I’m writing this in some ways, but I am tired of the nagging reality on my end that I just am not stirred sexually by my husband and I am bombarded with thoughts seemingly out of left field that tell me he is “funny looking.” I do not believe that sexual passion is wrong when in the context of marriage. Not only that, but godly marriage ought to have that. What can a wife do to cultivate attraction to her man on the physical level—the other levels are there for me! I believe it pleases the Lord for a husband and wife to really have passion for one another. I am willing to do what it takes to make sure this is strong on my end as much on his end, but I need guidance. I would want my husband to tell me if I had gained too much weight and that he wanted me to lose weight for my health and for his attraction level. Perhaps my request of him is no different--doesn't feel good, but ultimately is good???? I don't know where the healthy line is!

Is there so much here that I need to seek counseling? Or that we should do it together? We have been married less than 5 years and I want to jump on this before it errodes in our relationship. There's already fear, hurt, confusion...

Marriage and God

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 23:18:02 GMT

Hello all,

I was wondering if a believer were to marry an unbeliever, would this be a sin? Would God view this marriage an actual marriage? Would the believing spouse be obligated to treat the unbelieving as the Bible says, submitting to them and etc...? If the unbelieving spouse gave his life to Christ after being in the marriage, however did not believe in the entire Bible, what would God see this marriage as..?

Thanks a bunch...

My husband's Secret...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:59:25 GMT

My heart goes out to all of the wives that are having to go through the same thing that I am going through. A few years back I found emails, pictures, personal ad's both seeking and answering them for both sexes. I thought that I would just go away once I mentioned something to him. (My Husband) That definately was not the case. Just recently, while my husband was out of town with work God revealed that it was still going on. Meet-ups, ...and encounters...

At first, I thought it was all me. I kept thinking....Am I not pretty enough, do I need to loose weight. All wives want to be beautiful in their husbands eyes.

I Truely love him and I know he loves me. I had to do some research.

On a higher level...

I have found that ungodly soul ties can bind a person. While maybe it all started out as "Just curiosity" or a lustful thought. Thoughts lead to actions. Since I have idenified this, it is my desire to pray against those powers of darkness which are oppressing the mind, thoughts, and actions of my husband.

It's like a spider's web....you can tear down the web again and again, but until the spider is killed he will keep spinning his web. In my case the spider is LUST.

My desire is to reach out and help women who are going through the same thing. From denial, to depression, to anger, hurt, lack of sexual intimacy with spouse. All the while wanting a true Marriage, the marriage that God has intended for us to have. In fasting and Prayer will shall move the hand of God!

~Brandi (Virginia)

I told my husband my secret.... now what?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:14:02 GMT

Okay, before I get to present time, I feel as though I need to explain myself. I am, and always have been a very insecure person. I grew up with divorced parents from the time I was 2. My mother was sexually abused and suffered through major mental health issues including eating disorders, alcholism, depression, and attempted suicide several times. She was in psychiatric treatment facilities several times in my childhood. One time of which I remember going to a camp and coming home to find out my mom had tried to kill herself while I was gone. (With all that being said, my mom was a wonderful mom, and gave me everything she could, she just had some major personally issues to deal with) I grew up feeling like I had no control in my life. I tried very hard to control everything on the surface that I could, my friends, boyfriends, even my mother. But deep down I was lost. You would think one that could identify this about herself would be able to change it. I tell myself I need to, I try, but you can't get rid of those feelings. Whenever a situation comes up that I feel the need to control, I know how I should be acting, but it doesnt change the way I feel, and I struggle greatly with making the decision between what is right, and making myself feel awful!

WIth that being said... My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I met him my last year of high school after coming out of a long, serious relationship. I had lost my best friend (my boyfriend). And it killed me. He was the one thing I thought I had control over, and it was gone. My husband now, was told from day one from my mother that I was controlling, and I was doomed. I wasnt given the chance to change, because anytime I did become controlling my husband mentioned that I was being controlling, and I felt defeated in my efforts. Well to make a long story short... I moved to the city that he lived in, about 3 hours from the town I grew up, and went to college. I knew no one there but him and his family. And although I met people in college, trusting relationships are hard for me, and I struggled. The summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college was rough for myself and my boyfriend. I was his first girlfriend... he wanted to know what else was out there. He didn't cheat or anything, he just was ready to move on. Needless to say, I was devastated. I gave up my life for him, moved to this city where I knew no one, and felt so alone. I was desperately seeking someone who loved me, and who I knew wouldnt leave me.

So, I did the stupidest thing any young girl could do... I stopped taking my birth control pill for about a week. Looking back, I didnt think I would get pregnant, I think it was just that control in my life when I felt like I had none. I felt like that was the only thing I could do about the situation. Needless to say, I got pregnant. My husband and I got married 4 months later. We had the most perfect little boy, bought a house together 4 months after he was born. I finished my 4 year nursing degree, he worked. And on the outside everything looked like we were handling life great. We faught alot over really dumb stuff. I still feel alone in this city. All the friends I did make in school now are gone, and everyone else I am close with is through him. We have never seperated over anything, just grew apart. Now we are to the point where we don't even put the effort into fighting over things. Which I guess makes part of it seem like things are going better, because we don't fight anymore, but I really feel like the feelings are missing now. This past May we decided to try for our second child. I was pregnant my first cycle off birth control again, and am now 17 weeks pregnant.

To the point of my question.... 2 evenings ago my husband and I were actually playing a game and watching the lifetime movie about the high school girls a couple years back who made a pregnancy pact. About 3/4 of the way through the movie, he just came out and said something about me getting pregnant on purpose. I denied it but he kept bugging me about it. Finally, I was honest. I told him that I did stop taking my pills on purpose, but I did not truly believe I would get pregnant. Part of me was scared to death, the other part of me felt like a tremendous weight was off my shoulders. I had told the only secret I have ever kept from him, the secret that ate at me on a daily basis and I was dreading taking to the grave with me. Well, needless to say, he wasnt happy. Pretty much the only dialougue I got from him that he felt like his life was based on a lie, and that he just couldnt stop thinking about what our life could be like now if we wouldnt have had our son, and if this pregnancy was the first and it was planned. And although he wont say it to me... I am farely certain he is thinking about how I stole his young adult years away from him... which I did.

At this point, I can't take it back obviously, and I cant make him feel better about it. But what can I do? This is the worst week ever for it, being that I work evening shift at work all week and literally will not see him the entire week! It is eating at me. He won't talk to me, which kills me because I am a talker. I am trying to give him the space that he needs, but I am making myself sick over it. Part of me is frustrated he is reacting this way because there are so many worse things I could have done that would have been me not wanting to be with him. But my mistake was something to showed how much I did want to be with him. But I know that isnt the right way to think, he has every right to be mad, I just don't know where to go from here.

Please help!

Confused with wife who might struggle with fatigue...and dishes.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:05:36 GMT

Okay so the situation is this. We're pretty young (early 20's), have been married for just over two years, have a 16 month old boy, and another one that has been cooking for a few months. I work half at home, and half out of the house, for 8-10 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. My wife is a "stay at home mom" which is what we both want. We have been struggling a lot lately in our relationship, and find ourselves getting frustrated pretty easily, especially me. It will go on for a week and then we'll talk about things, seem to work it out, and then in another week, we need to talk again. It's getting to the point where we're sick of talking, because nothing is changing. The house is pretty peaceful for the most part. Our fighting is usually silent, which I know isn't always better than yelling. Spiritually things are so-so.

After much time, and many discussions, I have discovered that my main frustration is that my wife isn't doing her "job". Specifically the dishes. I am pretty relaxed and don't mind clutter, and have always tried to care more about relationships, and people more that keeping things clean and tidy. However it's really frustrating me. Forgive me if I vent (and I will try very hard not to exaggerate). They are no just starting to pile up, but starting to mold. It's to the point were she is using them against their intended purpose because the correct one is dirty. It's a pretty small place, so clutters fast. We often east cereal because there is not enough room on the stove or the counter to cook a meal. Same goes for dinners. Also the dishes a very difficult to wash, because the sink is too full to access the water.

She has told me that she really doesn't like washing dishes, which I totally understand. I want to help her, but experience keeps showing me that washing dishes for her isn't helping, but only delaying the problem a bit. She knows that if she just waits long enough that I will eventually freak and wash them all. She admitted that. The problem is that I am not always there to wash the things, and when I am home, I don't always have the time to wash the days dishes. Where it's tough is that she is claiming that she physically can't, that she doesn't have the energy. She has not been diagnosed with chronic fatigue, or any other anything. All test always come back great. I know it's possible that there is something they're not picking up, and would even say it's highly likely, but I really don't know. It's not pregnancy related, because it's been the same before both pregnancies.

Before the first pregnancy, I had a very laid back job with low hours, and had plenty of time with just the two of us to do pretty much everything, including many meals. I still have a pretty laid back job, but it's busier, and with a boy and other household and relational, and just life stuff, I can't do everything anymore, and don't feel like it's healthy anyway.

She has a history of being lazy/tired. I honestly believe it's both. This wouldn't be this big a deal if it were just dishes, but it's everything. She won't get up to discipline our son, so he is learning he can do what he wants, and she is frustrated that he is being so disobedient. She complains about the smell, but lets things mold. I don't trust her, and it's killing out relationship. I feel like when I get home, all I do is clean up her mess, and try to put our son back in line. I don't know how to encourage her, and I don't know what to think. My helping is like giving money to a homeless man to feed his addiction. Or, she really is physically incapable to be "Mom". Either way I am out of ideas. If she really is ill, then we still have the same problem, I can't be dad and mom. We need outside help, which then makes me very angry because I want us to raise our family, not grandma or a babysitter. I know that most of this is just rambling that I need to get off my chest again, but if it makes sense, and you have some thoughts or advice, please let me know. I keep trying to fight for this relationship to stay healthy, but I need help. Thanks, and sorry it was so long.

Thank God for this site it feels better to know there (unfortunately) are others going through the same thing

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 06:46:19 GMT

my husband left me and our 2 kids about 2 months ago. He said he lost love for me and told me to find another place to live. The song from i believe toby mac that has this in it Saw it coming but it hit you out of nowhere sums it up. i have gone through such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, anger, being scared, more like petrified. i still have the not so great days but now i have a peace, people think im crazy when i tell them how the peace is from God. especially my parents that we no wlive with who dont care much for my belief in God. I am thankful for my friends from church cause they are trying to to talk to me about how to handle the hard times and to follow God and knowing He has this and it will be okay. but there is something about being able to talk to people who have been or are in the same situation so please pray for us and please i would love to be able to talk to some people. God bless you all and thanks and im praying for you all. + <3

My husband is convinced I've had an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:09:53 GMT

My husband is convinced I've been having an affair. I have been married for 16 years, have five kids and have never had any kind of affair, physical or otherwise. I have an almost 11 year friendship with a man - we met in school. He lives in another state and although we used to talk frequently, I've not seen him in over 4 years. This friendship never seemed to be a problem for my spouse until 6 months ago when me and another friend (a woman) planned to go on a short trip and made plans to have this the male friend pick us up from the airport and show us around his city. During the planning my spouse tried to help with the ticket purchase and while having my email account open looking at my emails for a ticket confirmation, he took my blackberry and began scrolling through my texts, facebook messages, call log and email (the same email he had open on the computer screen in front of him). When I saw that he appeared to be researching my activities, I became offended as it made me feel like a child and when I asked for my phone back, he refused to return it and the more I asked the more upset he became; yelling that I had something to hide. I had nothing to hide, it just felt so intrusive. My spouse behaved in a way that I'd never seen. He accused me of trying to go out of town to meet up with my friend and have an affair. It was insane. He was a raving lunatic. My friend who was at a funeral with his fiance', was expecting to receive a text from me that night with final flight information. Since my spouse hijacked my phone and was behaving like a jealous fool, I honestlyI didn't know how far he would take it so I emailed my friend and simply said " spouse has my phone I can't talk right now, I will explain later." In essence, I was afraid my spouse would embarrass me with his jealousy so I wanted to let my friend know something was wrong and that I would call him later. I deleted this email right after sending it and my spouse went into my email delete box and found it. That only made matters worse. Since then, it has been completely down hill. I did not go on my trip, was told I could not be friends with this man anymore (incidentally, he was my closest friend) and was constantly on an emotional roller coaster with my spouse. I am a private person and began confiding in my friend more than ever about my marital problems, but I concealed the communication from my spouse. In hindsight, I should have stood up to my spouse regarding my friendship. I soon suspected my spouse of spying on me. He was constantly questioning my whereabouts, watching my every move, etc. When I confronted him, he denied it so I password protected all of my email, phone, facebook accounts, etc. I later found that I was correct because when he couldn't access my accounts, he had to ask me for the passwords to all of my accounts, facebook, yahoo, work email, and work blackberry, etc..which I gave but that wasn't enough. He demanded that I ask my friend to give me 1 year's worth of his cell phone bills so that my husband could examine them. My friend stated as much as he wanted to help me that the request was ridiculous and he refused. He also provoked an argument about my "supposed affair," and lured me off to a deserted area where he made me call my friend while he secretly listened in. Once he heard the conversation, he was convinced my friend and i were not having an affair, and things seemed okay for a couple of days, until he started saying it wasn't my friend that I was having an affair with but that he was sure it was someone. To this end, my life has been a living hell. I've lost most all friends. He has questioned a couple of them as well as my sister. He doesn't believe anything I say. He accuses me all the time and he takes innocent actions and makes them out to be bad things - "evidence of an affair." I can't breathe. I cry constantly. I have turned inside out trying to prove to him that he is wrong, but none of it matters. Last night was the last straw. He accused me of hiding under our bed to use my work blackberry? I was collecting trash that had accumulated under the edge of our bed. I can't even fit under the bed. He confronted me about this at 4 am this morning. He has called me terrible names and says he is through. I honestly have not done what he thinks I've done. I've built my entire life around our family and I feel I can't save it. I've not been the greatest wife, but I have not been an adulterer. I think it's too late because he has become so hateful and he calls me names like liar, and others Any advice?

Practical Advice on Forgiving

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:58:21 GMT

Hello All,

I am writing in with the hopes someone can share their story with me as an encouragement. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful, kind, hard working man. We are learning so much about what it means to be a couple and loving one another. We hope our marriage will be a blessing to all that see it and God is glorified. I am truly looking forward to being his wife. The area I need some encouragement in is forgetting and forgiving. In his late teens and early twenties he led an immoral life. But came to his senses about 2-3 years before he met me and asked God to forgive that part of his life. He knew that the life he had been leading led to no where and he wanted more out of life then the guilty conscience and heartache that living for self and the devil affords. He feels that God has forgiven him and completely wants to forget and shut the door on all of that youthful foolishness. I on the other hand come from a family that heavily stressed morality and purity. Most of my siblings never even kissed their spouses till their wedding day. I have always felt strongly the importance of showing your future spouse honor by remaining pure. Which I have faithfully done but I am afraid it is accompanied by a self righteous spirit. I tend to be proud and "I'm better because I'm smart enough to not go there" kind of attitude. I feel that God has been working on my heart in this area of humility and grace. How good is our God? GOOD!!

Anyway, I would greatly be encouraged if others would share their stories of how they forgave and forgot. Of how they let God's Grace be powerful in their lives? I want to have more compassion and understanding of others. I want to see others like Jesus does. Instead of being SO focused on justice and being such a "black and white" person. My new favorite motto is: High standards for me, grace for everyone else. (that's a daily struggle, everyone else's sins are so much more grevious then mine! )

Please write in, I would love to hear your story!

my story

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:21:58 GMT

Mom of 5 soon to be a grandma married 17 years in the midst of a nightmare, my husband who was a becon in the church awana commander,judge in judgement house basically father of the year i every way had a affair with a good friend of mine within 2 weeks of this assignement he is in the military they had sex for 3 months then decided they would both work on their marriages she went back to her husband and got pregnant.

I was not aware of this affair until about 8 weeks ago so 2 years after the fact. This all came out at a 4th of july picnic and it came through my 16 year old daughter who knew about it but was waiting for her dad and my friend to tell me, they made her keep the secret for almost 3 months because they didnt want to tell me. We the worst part of the whole thing was she had actually lived in my house with her 4 kids and her pregnant belly within 3 months of their affair ending and obviously neither of them said a word so flash forward two years I was in complete shock she goes to church with me and actually worked for me daily in my home business, I was at her daughters birth and all my kids loved her it was horrible,needless to say i kicked my husband out that night.

The worse is to come I started to pull cell phone records and found that he had been texting 5 other women 24/7 and hadnt been doing work for 2 years and was being demoted luckily he has 20 years in the military or he would have lost his retirement and benefits. I was in such shock I didnt know what to do but God was telling me to be patienct and try to work it out, but he continued to lie and decieve he would not confess the whole story for 6 weeks so he stayed away from us. I moved us out of the house we were living in and to a cheaper house closer to friends he started coming to see the kids but would not even speak to me or answer his phone when I called I became so angry and threatned to file seperation which wouold have been a ton of support and alimony until his retirement kicked in.

He promised he would get counseling together and we had a date for him to move back into the house, which would have kept him out of the house for 2 months and give us time to heal a bit and get counseling. He keeps saying he will do things but doesnt he has let all the financial problems fall apart and we are in deep trouble but he wont solve the issues uggg. So he is back in the house but his behavior is childlike i can see there is a severe psychological depression problem but he keeps saying he can deal with it and to back off him etc... I am tired of this, and he keeps telling me he cant understand Gods word that two years ago something snapped and he could here God anymore his words do not change and he does say he loves me but only after I tell him, he says he is disgusting and doesnt want me to hug or kiss him which i need right now to feel better about myself. I just cant seem to pull him out of this and he wont get help I know I am enabling him but I dont want a divorce I want a good marriage back I want to rebuild and for it to glorify God

How do I get through this time? Will it get better? Is it normal for men to stay in denial so long? Thanks for reading love and prayers

Ilovemykids5

Stunned and Lost. Multiple Affairs over many years...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 21:35:48 GMT

So often in society we hear of the man having multiple affairs...Here is my story.

My wife and I have been happily (or so I thought) married for 24 years.Children are almost ready to move away.

A few weeks ago as a result of the other spouse discovering her husbands affair, my wife admitted to me that she had been unfaithful. She has claimed she is sorry and truly regrets what has happened. She has gone so far as to say she was glad they were caught as she felt trapped in the affair and didn't know how to end it.(All the while continuing it...) Within a day we agreed to see a counselor. It was a quick initial visit, but I told her I needed to know EVERYTHING if we were to deal with and save our relationship. At the time she promised she had given me all the details.

The next day I found out the relationship had gone on longer then she had said it did. Almost a year instead of 5 months. Shock, pain, humiliation, revulsion, sadness...Everyone here reading these forums knows the feelings. We went to a permanent counselor the following week and began our sessions. There I told her face to face, in front of God and the counselor that she couldn't lie to me anymore. My heart was crushed but I could see a time that I could forgive her for what she'd done. With tears she promised she would be truthful.

The week went by... a second, a breath, a minute, an hour, a day at a time. I've been crying to God asking him to get us through this pain. We met with the counselor again, and again I said you must be totally committed to this, you must come clean. She vowed there was nothing else. Last week she called me at work and said she had to tell me more. I dropped everything and went home. It wasn't just one affair she said, there were 2 more. She had wrestled with telling me, knowing what damage it would do. One affair started the day before our wedding and continued off and on for the next 23 years. (As if it makes a difference, she said there was a 12 year break in the middle...) Affair number 2 happened years ago when the kids were small and it lasted 2 months...I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I walked out...As a faithful man, God got ahold of me and I came back home that night...why, I wonder at times...

At dawn the next morning she blurts out. "I got pregnant and had an abortion from the second affair............"

It's been 3 days and she has vowed that she's now bared her soul to me and God and there's nothing else left...

Today I sit, scheduled to see the counselor again this week. I've read where Job never lost faith in God through his trials. I always wondered what it would be like to have your heart blasted clean of all emotion, laid open to God, now my wonder has come to fruition. I never in my 24 years of marriage have questioned my faith. The last year I've had a struggle with God's silence in my life, now I wonder if he was somehow preparing me for what lay ahead. I don't blame him for what has happened, but I need to know why it has happened.

My wife has come to me, absolute terror in her eyes of what she's done to me. She's been physically sick the last few weeks, not eating. She's said that she needs to go to counseling to figure out why she has done what she's done. She's willing to let me have access to everything she does... I thought I knew her these last 24 years but I didn't. Yet, I can see her regret at the pain that she's caused.

I promised the counselor at the start of this that I would give it 90 days before I filed for divorce. Little did I know what was in store for me...

The world says simply...leave her NOW. Once a cheater always a cheater. Get on with your life. You'll be the loser if you stay....

But I'm not of this world, I need something, someone to tell me what and why and how... I imagine the destruction our divorce would cause, not just us, but our children, our relatives, our friends...God.

I just need to take the proper path.

when a man marries does his family change churches?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 01:06:17 GMT

Here's my situation and its been depriving me spiritually and physically. I have decided to marry the woman of my dreams. She is a pastor's daughter. She is very active in her church and very spiritual, which made her a perfect match for me. I'm currently a ministering at another church. I have decided in the Lord to join my wife to be in ministry at her church.

Now the problem arises that, my fiancé to be and her parents are pushing my family (my siblings and parents) to join them at their church. My family feels very comfortable where they are and would not want to leave but feel happy for me. My soon to be in-laws and my soon to be finacé do not understand this. What can I do? Every conversation about this leads to an argument.

I say that they feel comfortable where they are, they are getting the spiritual guidance and support. They are happy. I will be happy where I will be with their ministry. I don't know what to say anymore.

This small trouble is causing a lot of chaos in the relationship as a whole. I look forward to your help. Thanx

what is marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:55:21 GMT

I have sooo many questions... so bear with me my dears...

I am engaged. He is wonderful, my soulmate. God has spoken to both of us, and our family(most of them) that we belong together. We never dated. We were simply best friends, twins, inseperable, to engaged. Our best friendship just grew to deeper love and commitment, and God let us know.

Simple.

But my question is what is marriage?

Does one need a marriage license?

Or is it just in front of God?

Or is it when God tells two people they are soulmates?

Or is it a religious ceremony in a church?

What IS marriage?

What is marriage in God's eyes?

Is Cohabitiation marriage in God's eyes? If two people live together as husband and wife does God see them as such?

(other stuff you might need to know to help answer: I am 18, very young in many people's eyes to want to get married, and He and I are planning to get married in less than two months, married as in visiting the courthouse and nothing else planned...)

BiPolar Wife, and New Marriage.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 20:26:52 GMT

My wife and I were married on March 28th 2009, and we got pregnant. My wife is Bipolar, and we never had any problems or issues whatsoever. In fact, we both referred to it as a "Fairytale", as it truly was, and that it was GOD that brought us together. When we found out about being pregnant, we went to her doctor and she stopped taking her med's so the baby, now 9 months old, could develop with no birth defects, or other possible outcomes. After the baby was born (She's BEAUTIFUL), my wife got back on only some of her med's.

Durng her pregnancy, and after, she became steadily agressive, physically and verbally abusive (I have attacked more than a dozen times in her pregnancy alone), just not the person I fell in LOVE with and married. In May of this year, I was physically attacked twice within a few minutes. I then called the police (Because i knew that I could no longer do this alone, and needed to get her HELP), who responded, by taking ME to jail, even though I had done nothing. Since then we have been seperated, and she has filed for visitation and custody, and has a restraining order against me, for domestic violence. I have never touched my wife, and only tried to be as supportive of her as best I could, but it wsn't enough. Her family doesn't want to get involved, and I cannot even talk to them or my wife without violating the restraining order.

She has not filed for a divorce, and I pray she doesn't, as we are both believers, and after she had episodes of acting out, and things calmed down, we both agreed that divorce is not an option. Right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to learn about her mental illness as much as possible to help her if and when we reconcile. I am competely overwhelmed at this point, and I am trusting GOD as best I can. I have been fighting DEEP depression on and off, along with the urge to just go ahead and file for a divorce myself. I won't, but it's hard to keep mind from going there. I try to stay focused, and listen to messages on marriage, personal growth, and family living on here and other sites.

I'm praying that in the next few weeks I can get the Judge to discontinue the restraining order, as it's base on fasehood and lies, but am not real confident, as the courts do not seem to care about facts, as they haven't even asked the question of who attacked who, as she has never stated that I attacked her. She is hiding behind the domestic violence smoke screen, as it prevents the real issue of her being Bipolar from to come into the light. I told her a little over a month ago that there is NO Blame, Anger, Shame, or Guilt in our relationship, and nothing to Forgive. This is her ILLNESS, and NOT the real person I married. She can't control her Bipolar w/o med's, and unfornatly she thinks she's fine and doesn't need them. It's kinda like a little kid that desperately needs a nap, and refuses to go down, screaming/whining, "I'm not tirrreeeed, I don't neeeed a naaaap!!!!!' To make matters worse, her best friend, has her convinced that I am Bipolar, and I need to get on med's, and that my wife is not sick, as she has "Seen her when she's sick, and she's not sick." I have started to get involved as best I can with the local NAMI chapter, but have not met that many people to form a support group. I have no family to help me, and the two family members I do have, have been convinced by her that I am the problem. Up until this happened the only they they knew about bipolar, is that every planet is one.

Like i stated earlier, i am trusting GOD, but things just keep getting worse and worse, little by little. My biggest concern is that she wil CRASH into a deep depression, and become suicidal. I justs want my wife to get healthy, because if She doesn't THRIVE, then NOBODY thrives. I pray for her and my family constantly, day and night. I ask GOD to BLESS her and to keep her and the kids safe. (I forgot to mention that I have 2 step kids, a girl, almost 7, and a 4 and 1/2 yr old boy, and i have a 14 yr old form a previous marriage.) Please keep them and me in your prayers, as I will keep all of you in mine. Thank You in advance... Under the Lion's Paw Brad

Angry Husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 03:48:46 GMT

So lately my husband has been very angry and yells at me for little things. He also cusses and calls me names. We have a 6 month old daughter and I don't want her exposed to this. I really am at a breaking point right now. Do I leave him or try to work things out? I want to protect my daughter from hearing and seeing her father's anger. It is so hard to deal right now, I also have fibromyalgia and have a very very hard time with it. I am in extreme pain most of the time and he just doesn't understand and he thinks I'm being lazy. I don't know what to do at this point in our marriage.

Is it normal to be feeling so angry?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:39:54 GMT

I posted a few days ago about finding out that my husband had an affair almost 2 months ago. Then last week I found out that it wasn't just a little one month trist like he made it out. It had lasted almost a year and it was a lot more sexual than I first realized.

So anyway, I decided to forgive him and keep moving forward. We were making such good progress before this recent revelation and he really showed great remorse over it all and accepted complete responsibility for it.

However, yesterday I found myself in a situation where I had to be somewhere that he and his mistress used to go and I became very angry. I'm still angry. All the feelings are stirring up again. I resent him so much for not revealing all of this stuff right from the beginning because now I am going through the grieving process all over again and repeating a lot of the same questions I did the first time. I feel like I can't help myself. I'm just so hurt.

I just need some encouragement. I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. I know he loves me but right now, I feel like I can't stand him. I don't want to lose my marriage but I feel so stuck in all of this rage. Is there anything I can do to help get through this stage. We are going to start the Torn Asunder workbook this weekend but to be honest, I'm so tired of working on this and thinking about it. I just wish I could run away somewhere for a month and just not have to deal with it.

Is this still considered a marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:38:02 GMT

My husband & I - we married young, both at age 22, deeply in love and ready to spend the rest of our lives together. We have 3 beautiful gals - ages 5, 7 & 9. As they came so soon one after another, it started to impact our marriage. Young, not fully stable, we had to go thru all the challenges, young babies, in-laws problems, financial issues, work pressure. One after another, fights started to break out between us more & more often. After a long struggle, finally everything started to fall in place, we managed to purchase our own property, get a live-in maid to help with the kids, in-laws began to accept us & things started to sort itself out.

Hubby used to travel often due to work obligations, sometimes up to a week stretch. Slowly I began to felt him drifting away, he was there but I just knew he was not the same person anymore.

2007 - the year all my nightmare started, out of the blue he was asking for divorce saying that we are both different persons now and just not compatible for each other anymore.

Later, I discovered he was having an affair with another woman from another state (found some explicit pix & videos on his laptop). I was devastated but more importantly I wanted to be strong to keep the marriage intact (we are both Catholics). Instead of fighting, I managed to convince him to attend counselling in church. That's when I admitted to him that I knew bout his affairs which he was constantly denying when asked earlier. That's when he came clean with me saying he had had many affairs during his outstation trips. I was broke. After a few sessions of counselling, he finally agreed to work things out and work on the marriage. A small ray of hope, I thought, but a week later I came home after work to find that he has left to the state where the other woman lived. I couldn't take the thought of him sleeping around with other women and coming back to my bed. I packed all his remaining clothes and send it to his mum's place with a letter pleading him to change his ways & that the children & I will be praying & waiting for his return.

It's been 2 years now. I'm pretty much a single mum now running the whole show, struggling to keep our home with my job & whatever he provides on & off. The other woman has moved to our town and living with my husband now. They've bought a new home near my current place and will be moving in sometime next year. My husband has been threatening divorce since 2007 but till now he hasn't done anything, but on & off he uses it to threaten me to get his way. My in-laws are hoping for me to be patient since he has not touched the marriage, hoping that one day he'll turn back home. My daughters have all found about his affair from him, he said he doesn't want to hide anything from them. I met with an accident a few months back & he came all out to help me & the children, to take care of all my needs. But he still goes back to his mistress at the end of each day. He has said to me that he'll always be around to take care of me & the children, but is this the kind of life my gals & I need? Is there any future in this? I still want our marriage to work out and still have very deep feelings for him. I have wished so many times that these feelings will go away so that I can move on, but it's not.

I've lost my happiness for more than 2 years and I'm still lost.

how can my best friend become my enemy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 17:44:37 GMT

I had a friend to whom i was really close to in high school. We basiclally di evrything together. We shared all our secret and we even eat in the same plates and wear the same outfit. After a sad tragic,i felt to so bad for her and i asGod what i could do to help her. What happened is that her mother throwher and her sister out of the house in the middle of the winter during our senior year. Iask my parent if they can host them for while entil they find a job. Thank God my parenst accepted it and hoestd them for seven month with no charge. Druing that seven month my Brest friend started hanging out with some other girls in school who hated me. and her 20 yr old sister started dating a 15yr old boy. My parent were aware of the situation and were against it. They asked them to stop it but unfortunetly they refused. I have also brought them to christ during their timewith us. But since they had a buddhism backgroung her sister refuse to submit herself to Christ. nonone forced her but we continuee to pray for her. just bfeore a month of our high school graduation my parent found them an apartement an dthe moved in. My parent wre willing to help them with foo and other expense in the apt. Buut since my BFF siter's 15yrs old boyfrined started sleeping over in their new appartement, they stop talking to me in school. My best came over one day to my house and insulted my dad.they was a court agreement between them and my parents because my dad did not want to do anything illegally, that day, my dad cancel the gradianship agreement with the court and they left. Since then, when they seein public they pioint finger at meand make fun of me. They called my parent names and so forth. Inside of me i want to for give them because i know that is the best thing to do , but i don't know how.

Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lena

God Moves Mountains

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:31:50 GMT

Hello New Friends,

I wanted to write and give words of encouragement to those in marriages that feel as though there is no hope. My husband and I were married at the age of 19 and had already started our family before our marriage. We were Blessed by GOD with twin daughters and soon to follow was the blessing of our son and many years later our second son. During our marriage we experienced every bad situation possible; drugs, alcohol,abortion, abuse and even lust. We never separated until August of this year. I asked for a divorce and was tired of trying to make it work. He always claimed to try but all I ever heard were words no actions followed. I was not even close to trying either I had given up as well and stopped trying and just started doing my own thing. I never turned my life completely over to GOD until my husband was gone. I told my husband that I am sending him out "still loving him" I guess I was hoping for a "Miracle" but what followed was disaster. I started seeing someone soon after my husband was out of the house, He also met someone. I was thinking in my heart this whole time that we are both better off but deep, deep down I knew I was wrong. In October my brother (who has been walking with GOD for 15 years now) saw myself and my daughters at a restaurant and started asking me if I was believer in GOD and I was excited to tell him that I was going to Church every Sunday and Wednesday with my children. He asked me if My husband and I were gonna try to work it out I quickly responded "NO" I said he found somebody and that I found somebody and that our marriage was broken beyond repair. He then asked me "Do you believe in GOD?" I was angry by that question kind of like (how dare he ask me that) I said "Yes, I believe in GOD" He said "Do you Believe that GOD can repair your marriage?" I said "No, our marriage is over." He said "Then you are denying GOD and his works if you believe he cannot repair your marriage." Something clicked that day and what followed was truly a miracle of GOD. I started praying even more and asking GOD what do I do? GOD spoke to me and said that I needed to drop my pride and and ask my husband to come home and pray for him. He would come to the house and stay with the kids every other weekend and I would use Sunday to Pray with my husband and tell him that GOD has changed me and he can change you. He was kind enough to not tell me that he had no intentions of coming home but later I found out that's how he felt. This went on for another 4 weeks he would come I would tell him how much GOD wanted him home and he would go back to his new girl. On Halloween he asked to take our youngest out Trick or Treating and I okayed it. It was the first time I was alone on Halloween and I cried like a baby, missing the family togetherness we used to share. He called later that night and said he was gonna keep our son for the night and I said ok. Well,he took our son to his girls house were my husband had been living for three weeks. When he brought our son home my son was excited to tell me about my husbands girl and I was crushed. I could not believe that my husband would take him over there after dating her for two months. I asked my husband to come to the room where we could talk and I prayed for him and told him to listen to GOD cause he is speaking to your heart. He went back to her house and she argued with him about the time he spent with me and told him that if our kids can's spend time with him and her as a "family" that he had to leave. She did not believe in GOD and her son who is 15 was a self proclaimed atheist. She asked him what is GOD telling him? He said "To go Home" she said some not so choice words to him and the next day he left to come home. I text him that next morning because I had yet again seen this Verse that has been appearing everywhere to me. I repeated the verse 2 COR 5:17 and I left it at that, his response was I'm coming home!! It has been a long hard struggle but knowing GOD is right there has made this walk easier for us both. On DEC 6th we were baptized and more recently he received the HOLY SPIRIT and the gift of tongues. He has been home since Nov 2nd 2009 and was battling his failures and his depression, guilt, bitterness, anger even while going to church but the day he received the HOLY SPIRIT he was a changed man! We came from very broken homes and from that tried to make a home only to suffer because we did not put GOD first in our selves , our lives and our marriage and in our children. GOD does hear you and wants to help you please don't give up! Those of you that are thinking of asking for a divorce, DON"T! Be still and wait on GOD HE ANSWERS ALL PRAYERS AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME. The day before my husband came home I asked GOD to please Help and that I just couldn't take it anymore and he answered my prayers swiftly! WOW! God Bless everyone of you and I am praying this post gives you renewed or new Hope and Faith that GOD is working on you and your marriages.

NEED ADVICE...Boyfriend and office manager

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 23:42:56 GMT

My boyfriend and I have known each other for only 5 mos., and have been dating 3 1/2 mos.

We live in different cities, so the opportunity earlier this summer for me to spend 5 weeks in his city to get to know him better, was pretty awesome. The only thing that wasn't awesome about it was realizing the unhealthy relationship he has with his office manager. She has worked for him for 4 1/2 years, and he SWEARS that he has no romantic feelings for her (or he already would have done something about it). He is pretty sure, however, that she has romantic feelings for him. Despite knowing that, they still spend alot of their free time around each other...they go to the same church, she goes to "brush his horses", she lives in the same duplex as his Dad, not to mention working together every day! I left after 5 weeks, being VERY CLEAR that this was a definite "red flag" for me. And although I felt like he was willing to see from my perspective, I felt okay to continue in our relationship for now....but it was definitely something I was "watching out" for!

That is, until a week ago. I was supposed to meet him again to go "on vacation" with him and another guy friend buddy. After I was rest assured that the accomodations were going to be alright (we had separate rooms), I was SO EXCITED for the trip! With knowing about it for 3 weeks, every second was filled with excitement!!! Until 2 days before I was going to leave....he just casually brought up the fact that his office manager was staying at the same place!!! 6 hrs away from their city, and the SAME PLACE??!!! He didn't think anything of it...she had been there before while he and his buddies were there. Although he knew I was very upset, it wasn't until the next day that I canceled my plans to go...and ended the relationship. In my mind...if he couldn't tell her "no, now is not the appropriate time", and change his plans about where we were going to stay, he would continue down this "codependant unhealthy relationship" path while we were married...and it would just leave me and the kids (Lord willing, of course), stuck in the middle feeling unloved.

After a week of not speaking with him, he called today on his lunch hour. When I asked him if he had a chance to think about things....he said that he thought about it ALOT! When asked what he thought about, he just mentioned the shock and the fact that I wasn't there. We talked about what it would be like as a family (if the office manager would go on our family vacations)...he said YES!!!! If she wants to stay at the same place....because they have the same time off & there isn't a whole lot of places in the area to go). My thinking is...but it's your VACATION, a time to be AWAY from your work and people at your work!! Good grief, even if you stay at a place 30 min. down the road.

I'm sure he'll call back tonight wanting to "get together" as a couple again...

Any advice out there from "more experienced" people???

Thanks so much!!! =)

anyone dealing with Narcissism/Passive Aggressive spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:49:48 GMT

Hi, I am starting to feel like I am losing my mind. My husband was raised in an abusive home. There was incest, physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. Before getting married my husband didn't tell me about any of this, he just didn't take me around to see his family much. We both grew up in a Christian church, but it was an extremely legalistic church bordering on a cult. Very isolated and condemning of all other Christians. For the first 8 yrs of marriage I thought everything was my fault, if I would just try harder, be more humble, submit my pride, being more loving & kind & forgiving THEN our marriage would be what it should be. If any of you are familiar with Dr. Laura's book 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' my husband has admitted that I did everything (right) in that book. When he read it he could not find one thing I had not done. Toward the end of the 8 yrs I went through a healing group at my church to deal with my sister's death and consequently some stuff from my own childhood. After dealing with my own stuff I realized that everything in our marriage couldn't be my fault. As my awarness grew I realized that my husband had not been the 'nice guy' he appears to be. Admittedly I was horribly naive and even stupid to have believed it all to be my fault but I believed him, that is what he told me. Since then I have learned about narcissism and passive aggressive disorders. My husband is very much both of those things. And here's the thing, he never quite steps over the line of morality. He does things like this: never stands up for me when his family calls me names and says mean things about me, in fact he goes out of his way to tell me what they said. Three months after I had our first baby and had been seriously sick in that time period he blamed me for his lust after other women (no affair just openly looking in front of me) because he said I was 'too fat'. Five days after we got married he did nothing for my birthday. In every friendship we have had he has always managed to get the woman half of the couple to not like me and to think I need 'fixed'. Or he manages to push them away from us all together. He often says he doesn't really know if God exists even to the point of arguing that he doesn't believe that Jesus Christ was even a real person (inspite of the fact that secular encyclopedias don't challenge His existance just his Godhood) but then he turns around and says he does believe that that he's 'repentant'. He also alternates between saying he is repentant of what he has done to arguing that what he did was all my fault. He seems to alternate between personalities. One person is a very nice, good, kind, sweet person. The other is completely selfish, no concern for myself or our kids, just a complete coldness that is very scary to see. No compassion or caring at all. Perhaps the biggest thing he does is everytime things become good between us he walks out. No, not physically. He walks out emotionally. He turns into the completely selfish, no compassion person. It's like flipping a switch. It always happens after a particularly close time. It used to happen after sex but I finally said no more sex because I couldn't handle the insane roller coaster of now he loves me and now he views me as an object. That gave me some relief for a time and bought some sanity for the household but now he has started the same cycle in regular life. He cannot stand closeness. (When HE feels close) He admits that he can't stand closeness, he admits that he completely withdraws but then he tries to say it's no big deal and that I am overreacting. Yet when I disconnected emotionally from him so we could just live in the same house at least until the kids are grown up he won't leave me alone until I reconnect. Suddenly he starts pouring on the charm, the love, the caring, compassion, etc. This extreme up and down is driving me crazy. I really can't handle it. Sometimes I wonder if he's right, maybe I should just be fine with him coming and going from relationship. I often wish he would just break out and do something concrete, like an affair. As it is no one in my life would/will believe that my husband is the way he is. To everyone else he displays a 'mr nice guy' image. He acts like the nicest person in the world, he pretends to have compassion and caring, to me he admits he couldn't care less about them. The upshot of it all is that I have zero support for anything I go through. When my sister died of cancer it was just weeks before our second child was born, In the hosp. they asked me if anything was bothering me emotionally and did I feel like I needed any help. I told them my sister had died and I felt like I hadn't really dealt with it completely and that it was all mixed up with having the baby. So they sent a counselor. She happened to come when my husband was there and asked me if I had any good support in my life, my husband said yes I did, that he would support me in this so she smiled and said I would be fine and left. Yet my husband did not support me at all. He didn't care that my sister was dead, in his opinion it had nothing to do with him. When our third child was born my midwife asked him if he was going to be helping me out. He told her oh yes. She gave him some very basic things he could do to help care for me, (like preparing water bottles and leaving them around the house as I was nursing) he acted enthusiastic to her but then did nothing. When our first was born (at home) he didn't even make sure I had enough food to eat in spite of the fact that I had an infection and fever. Yet he makes it look to everyone else like he's wonderful. So I have no one. I am homeschooling my kids and trying to stay sane for them. I'm sorry this got so long. I don't want to just be whining, I just don't know what to do. I can't stand the roller coaster but it's not in my power to stop the roller coaster. He won't stop and I don't know how to stay disconnected. And he won't leave. And I can't leave, I have no where to go. I know I don't have a clear cut question in this but I'm looking for advice, suggestions.... ??

Absent husband still wants to make a booty call?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:58:50 GMT

In a few days my husband and I will have been separated 8 months! wow, seems like a lifetime ago that he walked out on me. I won't bother with the details here, if you want you can go back and read the back-story in another post. What I will say is that in the past 8 months we have had very little contact. There is the weekly drop off and pick up of our daughter, and an occasional argument over the phone about something, but all things considered, we have spent very little time together. That has been a real sore spot with me, because I thought we were going to 'reconcile'... and I don't understand how that can happen, if there isn't appropriate contact, and healing. I thought we would spend time together, dating, starting over so-to-speak... going to counseling, etc. But that hasn't happened. About a week or so ago, I called my husband in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep, thinking about all of this, and wondering just exactly where it's all going. Emotionally, I'm on a roller coaster. Some days I'm angry enough to file for divorce, other days I'm very sad, and long to have my family back together. A day or so later, he came to my house and I felt like I did a pretty good job of laying it all out on the table for him. He said he had no idea of my expectations (the dating, etc.) Upset by that, I asked him how he expected the reconciliation to happen? Did he expect us just to wake up one day and our marriage to be healed? He didn't really have an answer. So he said he agreed, he thought spending more time together was a good idea. Wonderful!!! Then.... several days since he has tried to arrange for us to get together for sex.. or as he says, love making. I'm really put off my that. Should I be? It reminds me of our marriage. When we were together, he would basically ignore me all day and then want us to be together (sex, love making). I want/need more. I have refused his attempted booty calls. I told him it would be like a couple of teenagers hooking up, that we're not emotionally prepared to take that BIG step. Should I just be happy he still wants to be with me in that way? I can't stand the thought of us being together, and then him leaving and going back to his mother's, where he's living. It just seems so cheap.

is it horrible if I can't accept my husband's illigitimate children from affairs?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 01:39:50 GMT

I have been married for 20 years. About 8 years ago I had to have surgery for ovarian cancer, in the midst of finding out my mother had terminal lung cancer. ( My father passed away when I was 19 of heart problems, and my surgery was the end of a long road of infertility issues that resulted in no children) It was my first day back at work after the difficult surgery, my husband dropped me off at work and left. The minute he was out of the parking lot, my phone rang. It was a woman telling me that my husband and her niece had been having an affair and the niece was pregnant with my husband's child. I was beside myself. I was totally confused and didn't know where to turn or what to do. Long story short, the other woman left town and I never heard another word about it. I decided to forgive him and concentrate on taking care of my mother. She passed away and I miss her every day! This past February my husband started acting very strange, always laughing to himself about nothing and kidding me that we should adopt a 16 year old to help around the house. I just ignored it until one day in March when I was at work he started laughing and talking about a 16 year old girl we could adopt, I was irratated and asked him if he was trying to tell me something. You guessed it! He told me ON THE PHONE that he had a dna test the month before and he is the father of our married nurse's 16 year old daughter! I flipped out, I couldn't believe it! I drove home shaking all the was only to find out the nurse and the daughter are across the street visiting my in laws! My husband keeps telling me that "I need to get over it." I feel like I am in the twilight zone! The mother has let her husband think he is the father all this time and no one wants him to find out! My mother in law and my husband are so excited to have a child and grandchild that I could never have. I dread coming home, and I have refused to meet the daughter as of yet. I feel like I have been traded in. He refuses counseling and says that they just want to break people up. My husband ignores me in favor of spending time with the daughter. I got so angry that I called the other father and told him everything and now my husband's family won't speak to me at all and my husband is very angry that I hurt his daughter. I have asked for a divorce, but he says he doesn't want one. I feel so broken! I feel all alone! My husband says this happens all the time, but I know better! Why doesn't he "get it?"

UPDATE...FAILING MARRIAGE; FAITHFUL LORD

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:01:17 GMT

Greetings,

I just wanted to give you all an update on my marriage status. You can read my previous discussion, FAILING MARRIAGE; FAITHFUL LORD here. After much prayer for my husband to 1st be restored and brought back to the Lord, his heart has been transformed and he doesn't want a divorce. His desire is to work on our marriage and make progress together. He has also revealed his desire to serve in ministry because he believes the Lord is leading him in that direction. My husband has always had a passionate heart to serve people so now the Lord may take him a step further in service. Though I am joyous how the Lord has transformed my husband's heart, I know we have a long road to travel...together. I am aware the enemy will do all he can to distract my husband's service to the Lord through his evil schemes and strategies so I am prepared to keep my husband in prayer so the Lord can create a work in and through him to recognize and resist the tactics of the enemy. Husbands and wives please DO NOT stop praying for your wayward spouses. The enemy want you to cease praying for them so he can hold them captive through his lies. Too many of our spouses have been deceived into thinking divorce is the way out or the grass is greener on the other side; unfortunately, he doesn't show them the green grass is actually a swamp! I just want you to encourage you all to 1st pray the Lord work on YOU by transforming your heart to serve Him first and naturally you will be converted into a new creation before the Creator. Second, pray the Lord brings your spouse to full confession and repentance of his/her sins so they develop a heart for Him. Third, pray for your marriage to be healed and restored. Once your marriage is restored, be sure to make it a point to make Christ the center of your marriage. When you stand on the word and priciples of our unchanging Lord, your marriage can flourish into something so beautiful. I look forward to creating a wonderful life with my husband; however, the Lord will be numeral uno! I pray many more marriages are restored like the Lord has done for mine. Praise Him even when things are not going the way you would like in your marriage. God bless!

marijuana use?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:17:43 GMT

My husband thinks that it is ok to use this drug. I on the other hand do not. It is causing a lot of issues in our marriage and has for quite awhile now.

I guess I just wanted to see if there is anyone else in the same situation as I am. What it is like, how you deal with this?

Please help, how do i go on with so much pain ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:45:39 GMT

Hello

Please can you pray for me sorry that I am bothering anyone but I feel like I am losing my mind.

This all happen to me in a matter of 2 months

1. He (my husband ) was having an affair ( 7 months it was going on )

2. I am getting laid off from my job.

3. We are losing our home ( so me and our son will have no where to go)

4. We were $20,000.00 in debit.

5. I will have no more medical insurances ( for me and our son)

6. He just left abandoned me and our son just walked out the door( he is living with her now)

7. he told me that God is blessing him.

8. He said he is doing fine

9.The other woman was marriage too and has two children(she said she is a Christian)

10.she can just have my husband and they can live happy ever after.

11. My husband can do all this and still get bless with all his hearts desires.

12.He said that God is in control

13 He said this is God's will

14. He mess and broke our car and now he is riding in a new car with her

15. I was out of work ill for a month while he was having his affair

16. I do not have enough money for me and our son to live

17. He got angry with me when I took him to court for help, now him and his girlfriend have hired a lawyer to stop any money he has to give me.

18 I ma so very hurt because I still love him and I wanted my marriage to work.

Please can someone tell me how do i stop crying and barley functioning everyday.

How do I go on ?

My Husband deployed twice, believe he has PTSD, having emotional relationship with co-worker.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:30:29 GMT

It's been two years since my husband returned from his second deployment in Iraq. Little by little I have noticed that he has changed. Hardly wants to be around me and the kids (we have 4). I have found text messages he has been sending this co-worker telling her he misses her and she does the same. I have found out she is married with children. He tells me that they are just good friends but he has also admitted that he does like her. He went as far as getting another cell phone and paying the minutes on it so that I wont get a bill. He makes me feel that I am just too jelouse and that I want to control him. He has changed so much with me. He tells me that me snooping around and always trying to catch him in something makes him want to hide things so that we don't have a confrontation. I have recently prayed to God and have put my husband and all that we are going through in his hands, like I tell God, my children need me and I am way too stressed out to continue living like this.

He has Left twice and has been gone for a couple of days till he wants to come by and see the kids. I then ask him to come back and he seems sorry for all he's done and I want to believe him but my trust is so far gone now.

The last time he left we had a huge fight and I thought it was over. He did come back and we had a serious talk where I told him he needed to decide what to do. He was reluctant to stop talking to this woman. I have read and done the "The Love Dare" book from the movie "Fire Proof " and I feel that I need to give in a bit and maybe believe that there is nothing going on and that they are just friends, so I agreed to give him time to slowly stop talking to her, he promised he would message her less. Was this the right thing to do, to give him time.

This time that he has returned he has agreed to attend counseling and to also attend a couples weekend retreat in Feb. Should I look at the bright side and see that he is willing to do the counseling, etc. Is it wrong for me to still feel upset and feel that he is not doing what I want , as far as talking to her. Should I be more patient. Please give me advice!

PTSD Because of Husband's Sex Addiction

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 20:52:59 GMT

I have been married for almost two years to a sex addict. I didn't realize he was a sex addict when I married him. I thought he just had a high sex drive and looked at porn because he was single and had an urge, for lack of a better word, to satisfy. I kidded myself thinking I could satisfy him. I learned his void is one that no one human woman can fill. I have really suffered greatly in this marriage.

He is currently getting treatment for his issues but continues to look at porn (how often, I don't know, because he refuses me access to his computer anymore). I can only assume he's looking at it a lot. I am currently in two support groups and just started counseling with someone who has a lot of experience helping wives of sex addicts. This issue is one that demands a specialist, not just a good counselor. More harm than good can be done by going to a counselor that is ill-informed. One counselor recommended my husband come to me when he was tempted to look at porn. That was really bad advice. My husband has deep-rooted issues that I am not designed to help him with. Putting that pressure on me was out of line.

I am hyper-sensitive to attractive women, especially ones that are immodest in their dress and how they carry themselves. I realize that many women who dress that way have issues themselves and are begging for the wrong kind of attention to fill a void in their hearts, but it still hurts me to be around them, see them on t.v., movies, magazines, etc. I avoid them. When I can't, I choose to look away for my own emotional health.

My husband has no idea how hurt I am, though I've tried to tell him. I've given up on that idea. He's just not ready for it. Maybe someday he will be. I'll tell you, if my actions had hurt someone this deeply, I don't know that I could sleep at night. But he is ignorant about what he's done to me and continues to inflict pain. My job is to lessen the impact.

I could leave him. I believe pornography and online affairs are infidelity. But I love my Lord and want to honor Him, even in this miserable marriage. If after some time (I haven't yet decided when), my husband's character has not changed and become trustworthy, I will leave him. Often, I think even though I'm still married to him, I've already left him. I don't know if I'll ever come back. I hope my husband can become the man I deserve before it's too late. I really do.

When I've discovered porn on his computer in the past, I was surprised at how my body shook uncontrollably. I was surprised at how quickly the tears would rush in and how low I felt and for how long. Six months ago, I caught him in an online affair. My guess is there have been more, but this is the only one I am certain about. He broke it off and the woman recently text-messaged him again, stating that she missed him. Having some mercy for her husband, I chose to contact her pastor. I believe her pastor will handle it well and my prayers are with him. He has a tough job. Even though the pastor said all the right things to me, I noticed how my leg, throughout the whole telephone conversation, shook violently. Six months after the affair, my body remembers.

I eat a lot of junk food and struggle to eat regular, healthy meals and, after 20 years, am struggling with cigarettes again. I am annoyed when men notice me now. I don't recall men noticing me much before. I don't know if my attitude is somehow attracting them or what. I just think the worst when I catch them looking at me.

I hate how this has affected me but am hopeful I will once again be in a happy place and be used of God in mighty ways. I have no guarantee I'll ever be happy again this side of Heaven, but I can sure hope for it. I also hope God uses my torment to help others. I trust him when he says "all things work together for good..."

How do I communicate with wife that has cut me out?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:27:16 GMT

I am new here and reaching out in order to try to find some support for what I feel is a desperate (possibly hopeless) situation. We got married almost two years ago, but my wife and I did not start out in an ideal way. We got pregnant before we were married and then decided we needed to get married. Unfortunately, I was excited about the marriage and excited for my new roles and husband and father. She was not so thrilled but feigns happiness to everyone except me. Although she acted excited about the wedding, she has gradually removed me from her life over the last two years.

We have not had any intimacy since the marriage began and I have not even kissed my wife in over a year. Communication has also continued to get worse and worse. We used to do things together and with our friends, but now she basically has cut me out and does not believe that we should do anything together at all. I have continued to try to be a good husband, do nice things for her, ask her about her feelings and life, but she ignores me or gives me one word answers. She has even asked me not to speak to her at all. She says she does not love me and that I need to stop being stupid and realize that it is stupid for me to love her.

I just don't know what to do. We tried counseling, but my wife quit after 4 sessions and she never participated in any active manner. I will never give up on her or the marriage, but I simply don't know what I can possibly do to change this situation or move things in a positive direction rather than falling into a deeper and deeper hole. I have put my faith in God to get me through this and I know that somehow someday he is going to reveal how this is all part of his plan for me and my wife, but I just get stuck feeling so depressed that I cannot do anything to make this marriage even modestly stronger.

Is there any point to continued hope? Got hates divorce, but is it ever just inevitable? The worst thing through all of this is that my wife, who introduced me to God has nearly abandoned her faith. All comments and prayers would be very much appreciated.

Domestic Violence

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 01:24:58 GMT

I am 26 years old and my husband is 28. We've been married for 2 years. Over all we get along pretty well. He does a lot for me and our one and a half year old daughter. He's the kind of guy that cleans with me, shops with me, and cooks with me. I know he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would abuse me, but he does. When my husband gets angry once in a while he does hit me,or throws me to the ground or against a wall. No one at church would even imagine that he would do such a thing. I am a Christian and every time I put my hardest to get closer to God I always find my self beaten by my husband. I love my Jesus more than words can explain but seeking Him with my husband by my side is a torment at times. If you ask me what I want to do I would say I want to leave and be done with it. Why? Because I love the Lord. It is the best thing in the world to me to come home and spend time with God and it saddens me when things get in the way. The weirdest thing is that we rarely fight and if you saw us you would probably think that we were boyfriend and girlfriend so why does he goes to extremes when he's mad? I don't know and I have never understood. The thing that I noticed is that he has gotten used to turning to violence when he is mad. In my heart I feel like staying but my reason tells me otherwise. It is hard to see in the walls of our home all the holes that he has done. Any advice would be great.

Caretaker guidence

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:45:46 GMT

Hello, I am wondering if there are anyone else is in our situation. We are a young couple with 3 young kids (pre-teen to older toddler stages) that is also in caretaker mode. Here is a little history: My mother-in-law (rip) passed away 5 yrs ago Aug. 23. We have been living and keeping an eye on my Father-in-law for last 4 yrs. I can honestly say, its not been easy. We LIVE in HIS house. He is not the easiest person to talk to. If you account a 40yr age difference & a 50 yr generation gap. I think it speaks for it self.

So...just looking to find anyone else that may be in our spot. Just to talk too if having a bad day. Thanks, so much. God Bless, MomOf3 (Amy)

6 Months Separated, Now what?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:47:49 GMT

It's been nearly 6 months since my husband walked out on me. I've read Love Must Be Tough, and I believe I've pretty well put it into practice. The first month was the worst, depressed and crying all the time. I've been in Christian counseling for most of the last six months. (this info is all in prior post, I'm just offering a brief recap) My husband bailed after 1 session of counseling. Told me he would never go back again! This was about a 1 1/2 months ago. I'd say for the most part the only time we ever see each other is during the exchange of our daughter, during which he is usually in a hurry because his mother is waiting in the car! I figure she does that to keep him from staying and visiting. It's working. I thought if we were going to work on our marriage we would be spending some time together, a date night? something? anything!!! I just don't see how two people are expected to work things out when those two people aren't ever together? Am I wrong in my thinking? I understand we both have changes we need to make in ourselves, but not spending any time together seems damaging. A few weeks ago when it was my daughters week with me, I invited him over. He said he couldn't (because his mother wouldn't approve). I broke the tough love rule, and my daughter and I kidnapped him!!! Not really of course!!! We drove to his mother's house, where's he's currently living, lured him into the car, and drove away. I thought it would be fun to do dinner and a movie, but he spent the entire time worrying about what he was going to tell his mother!!! It really made me upset!! In my case the OTHER WOMAN, is his mother!!! Now this week, my daughter is sick, she's with her dad this week, and I'm very upset by that as well.... The weeks she isn't with me are very hard. I hate this back and forth nonsense! And when she's sick, well of course I want to hold her and comfort her. I called him and told him it was very upsetting to me not to be with her. Not upsetting not to be with him!! Just not being with her. I honestly don't think my husband and I will ever reconcile. My 16 yr old son (from previous marriage)... my husband treated him very badly in the latter part of our marriage. I believe it has caused a lot of problems for my son. We'll deal with those together, are dealing with those together. He lets out a little every now and then. We had a good cry recently, he says I didn't do enough to protect him from his step-dad. That was painful to hear.

In a few weeks I will have re-established my residency here in Calif. and can file for divorce. So can my husband. He says he's not going to. I had previously said I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of filing for divorce, but I'm starting to reconsider. It's been 6 months and this is going nowhere. I've read other's stories on here, where they've been separated much, much longer. I just don't know if I'm willing to do that! How do I know that it's the right thing to do?

Do I need to return to my Husband even though he let me go?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:27:31 GMT

I am unable to make a clear and wise decision. I have agonized over this, prayed over this-searched for answers from friends and family. My Husband and I have been seperated for one year. My husband announced his intention to divorce me last November. I did not want to divorce-I prayed daily, saw a marriage counselor and did what I could do to reassure him of my commitment and love. He continued to reject me -and tell me of his intention to divorce. He would drive out to visit our children and think it was ok to have dinner together- or take the kids to the movies together- but he refused to discuss any hope for our marriage. I grew very tired of this and felt like he was on the fence- so I announced that I would be taking our children and moving back to my home state for emotional support. He did not like the idea of the children being so far away- but did not file court orders or demand that I stay. He went along with the move driving us to the other state.

Now after, a month of being near my family, he files divorce papers and says I need to get back there! He wants his kids but tells me I don't want you. I am praying for wisdom and answers- I suggest he move closer because he is adaptable in his career and it would be easier for him. I truly want to do God's will- I still believe our marrige could be saved- I don't want to put my children through any more turmoil.

another emotional affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:57:08 GMT

hi everyone,

just looking for someone to listen. my husband has been acting strange for the past few months. A couple of weeks ago, he called me on his way to work and told me how unhappy he was. He told me that I was mean, that I was hurtful, lack of sex is an issue. I knew he wasn't that happy, but didn't know it was that bad. Later that day, I checked the cell phone records and saw a number come up repeatedly throughout the day and night. When I asked him about it, he told me it was a girl from work who listened to him. I was devastated. The EXACT same thing happened 5 years ago. There was another girl who listened and told him everything he wanted to hear. I'm so upset and hurt.

I understand that my own actions may have led him to look elsewhere, but he never came to me first. He says he brought up issues, but he brings them up in passing and expects me to read his mind. He never sat me down and told me how bad things were. I don't know if I can go through this again. I asked him to please stop talking to her, and he says he would, but last night they talked for an hour while I was at work. He says he's trying to stop, but it's going to take time. That just makes me feel like there is something more than just a friendship although he denies it. All of the "what if's?" are making me crazy!!! Thinking about it makes me angry and not want to be around him. I have so much hate in my heart right now.

i know divorce should not be an option, but right now, i just can't picture us together anymore. Am i here just cause of pride? for the kids? i'm so lost right now

What to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:53:14 GMT

Hi There,

this is my second post an not sure where to start. I have been told by friends, family and even a counselor that I have done far beyond what most woman would do. So now pick up myself and leave because my husbands wants out and says numerously that he wants his freedom and he feels trapped, but still leaves with me. Don't get me wrong my heart is still for my marriage. He hardly talks to me anymore we live in the same house no kids. If i go somewhere out of courtesy I will let him know where am going, but he does not do the same for me. He sleeps on the sofa and seems he does not have a care in the world. I try to communicate with him but I only get Yes and No responses. I have been praying and fasting but no change. Am I stupid not to listen to what people are saying, they are looking in for the outside and sees what is going on, and said nobody should have to live like this. HE doesn't want counseling. What should I do.

My husband does not want to have sex with me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 02:54:03 GMT

My husband does not want to have sex. He says he's tired or sleepy. He use to say it was because he was depress but he is taking depression medication now. Or he'll say only in the day and I tell him during the day and he will make an excuse. He says he's not having an affair he just does not feel like making love. I have gain alot of weight but he says it's not that that he loves me no matter what but I feel sad and unattractive.

How much information is it ok to give Pastor about husband?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 15:30:18 GMT

I am concerned about where my husband is spiritually. I do believe he is saved and he does read his Bible. However he refuses to be involved in anything at church other than service on Sunday morning. No Sunday school, mens activities or any form of accountability. I think this is inferiority complex on his part. He has said it is easier to not be involved that way no one expects anything of you. He wants to move away to another area which I mentioned in another thread. Recently comments such as he wants to be somewhere where he can just disappear and not be noticed in the crowd and that he has things he wants to do with the rest of his life and he is afraid he might die at 69 like his dad. He will be 60 in a few weeks. This things he wants to do are play golf and tennis and listen to music the rest of his life. I see no hunger to do anything for God in his retirement plans. He made the comment also that he could become resentful if we don't move to a warmer climate and he has to keep doing winters. He is retired I am not. I must still work an dhave no transferrable job skills.

ANYWAY, ...I DID email our Pastor last week about the move and that my husband is not seeking counsel on this and the problems I forsee for us financially, and with his eldery mom still being here, etc. We were married 5 months ago and the Pastor said he has been meaning to ask him out to lunch anyway just to check on things and that he will trust God to bring this up. The meeting is tomorrow at 11 am.

However, I DID NOT mention anyof the spiritual concerns about him not being involved and seeming to hide from all accountability and relational contact in the church and some other things I have seen that make me wonder where he is exactly and if he is even in a place that he CAN hear from God. I am trying not to be judgmental, but objective. I know my husband would not appreciate unsolicited counsel and that it might be considered manipulative to him.

I don't know whether to send the Pastor another email and express my other concerns and give him more information or whether to leave it like it is and trust that what is needed will be revealed.

What do you do when the Head of your house refuse to work?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 12:51:09 GMT

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. April 17, 2009 my husband became ill and a couple of months later was releaed from his job. After being released from his job he was denied unemployment benefits several times even after going thru the appeal process. I at the time had been an at home mom for almost 2 years with our 2 kids.

I realized that both of use could not be unemployed so while I thought my husband was trying to find another job I started going online filling out job applications. I prayed and ask God to show me a job that I can do. I found a job listing for a job in a field I know very well, went on my first interview and was offered the job 2 days later. I started working in June of 2009 while my husband was still home with the kids. My take home pay compared to my husband was much less, but I took the job because I had a family in need of income. I went to work and my husband decided that he was going back to college.

It's been 1 year 4mths 12 days since my husband has been employed. I have been breaking my neck to keep the bills paid trying not to let anything get behind. Not only do I work but I also have 2 home based businesses. I told my husband that I need his help with the bills, because no matter what I'm bringing home or making with my two businesses we have a 2 and 3 year old that is constanly in need. My husband then proceded to tell me I need to look at the big picture and have faith.

My husband is a man that confesses to be a man of God, so thats why I'm having a hard time accepting that he will not get a job. He claim he went to several places to apply for a job, but then he told me that some of the applications were to long so he did not complete them. My husband likes to act like he's not in need of anything but has nothing.

He contacted his brothers to help him start a lawn service with their money because my husband has no money to invest in himself. When I told him the other night that I need his help with the bills he told me, "I'm trying to start this lawn business but my brothers are dragging their feet with helping me". I honestly think that they are not in a rush to help him because he has no money to invest in himself.

What is it gonna take for my husband to see that he needs to get a job to help his family? I'm at the point of packing my kids and leave him. I think he needs a reality check.

What do I do in this situation?

Prayers for test results would be appreciated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:38:32 GMT

I am a 48 year old married mother of two older teens who has recently (Friday) undergone a stereotactic breast biopsy due to calcifications of the breast. I should hear tomorrow (Tuesday) whether or not the findings are cancerous, I have had a peace about this all along - didn't worry about the biopsy, etc. but am starting to be a bit anxious about receiving the phone call. I have told my husband and children that whatever the findings, we will push on and continue to trust the Lord to carry us through. Of course, I hope the areas are benign, but I am preparing myself in case they are not. I would appreciate your prayers. I have not told many of my friends (even though I am very active at church) mainly because we have a friend at church who is battling a serious form of cancer and I did not want to add anything to the load until I knew for sure. Still - today - I feel I could use some prayers for strength and especially that if the news is not what I am hoping for - I will handle it well and show that I am trusting the Lord. Thanks so much!

Adultery

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 15 May 2010 22:45:21 GMT

Why does it seem to me that the spouses that commit adultery make it seem like it is ok.

My husband left me for his coworker and told me with out even a bit of pain in his heart or on his face

That God was in control and His will is being done

they are having the time of their life.- while i am losing my job, my home, back up in bills and just trying to still live another day.

I am a Christian and i am not saying that i am without sin but, all the hurt and pain that i am seeing and feeling is just unbelievable.

what on earth is happening.all i am reading on these forum are people hurting form teh ones that are doing what ever they want no matter who or what it does to anyone.

So should we all just be doing what they have done and have the time of our life too ?

All we sin and fall short but, i just can not understand why 90% of people don't think nothing of it. ( that this is wrong)

People keep telling me that my husband is hurting too. (not from what i see)

or he will be one day, but who is hurting now ? (me)

forget all the hurting spouses and children.

as long as the the spouses that left are happy

it's ok

Why ???????????????????????????????

Help I need some advice. Am I crazy for putting up with what my husb is doing?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 06:18:07 GMT

I am so confused on what I should do. I have been married for 16yrs and my husband keeps calling another woman and even had her in our car before. I have no idea if he is sleeping with her but he calls her every time I'm gone. When my children (14yrs and 9yrs) and I are at church he spends time with her and also when we go to karate class at night. He keeps holding me and telling me he doesnt want to lose his family and he wont call her anymore but it still continues. He is also an alcoholic and uses mirijauna regulary.

I pray for his salvation constantly and I'm even trying to complete THE LOVE DARE Challenge, howevever, Its really hard to not imagine him with this other woman. He wont get help for his addiction because he doesnt beleive he needs help. I keep asking my Pastor for advice and he says I need to realize he's lost and pray for him. I dont know what to do anymore because I have nowhere to go. I lost my job 2yrs ago and have no income. I have been abused all my life growing up. I am a Christian and trying to wrok on my healing from past abuse and dont know how much more I can take. I know God knows how much I can handle however, I am so confused on how to handle my situation. I'm trying to be the best wife I can be and let Christ light shine through and have finally realized its not my fault hes making those choices.

He was raised with an alcoholic/ drug addicted/ physically abusive dad and mother who allowed it and is still putting up with the same abuse currently. I know its no reason to do what hes doing, but when are things going to get better? I refuse to get a divorce but I cant stop thinking of him with the other woman. Its even hard to be intimate but I feel obligated and dont know how to respond when he asks why I dont want to be intimate. I'm losing hope. Please help.

need advice/encouragement

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 02:18:38 GMT

I am not necessarily new to this website, I have read many posts looking for help/hope. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, we have had our ups and downs like everyone. Three years ago I knew something was not right with him, I found porn on our computer...confronted him and he of course said he only did it when things were not right between us...promised it would stop. I haven't found any evidence of it in these three years but I realize now that he probably has just gotten good at hiding it. Things again haven't been good between us...we have a huge communication problem. I found on the computer yesterday that he had been looking at a website that sells sexual items, toys, videos, etc. My heart sank..I asked him about it today and he did not act surprised at all that I knew what he was doing. Kept telling me that looking at those sites isn't the same as watching the movies that he used to download. I called fotf counselor the other day after finding that because my counselor was not available and was given some good advice. I told him today that he had a choice to make. He could either decide that this is not a problem and not get counseling and our marriage would not move forward and we would need to seperate for a time to clear my head or he admits that this is a problem (i never said he had a problem i always refered to it as a problem) we would seek counseling together and work thru this..he of course became very angry and stormed out. Later came back to tell me that he is not going (to counseling) when I asked him why he said it didnt matter. I said yes it does because that is a big decision...he told me to do what I thought I needed to do (move out) Soooo, now what? I know that I need to follow thru because I know that he does not think that I will and things will not change. I have an appt with my counselor in the morning hopefully to give me guidance on where to go from here. We have 2 children together that I am trying to protect as best I can. Any suggestions????

I need some help in the worst way

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 00:05:55 GMT

Alright there is no easy way to put this so I'll just place it out there. For nearly 12 years I had battled with pornography, through the help of God, my wife, and a group of men that I meet with I found release from that battle. But that is when things started really going poorly for me. Things started with little compliments from a lady at work who was always telling me how lucky my spouse was to have a man like me, this continued for a while and then as we got more comfortable there was some innapporpriate joking. Then a full fledged internet relationship. I rationalized that these were just words and how could they hurt. It never got into talk of actually having sex and it never got physical but the compliments that we shared became more and more racy, we were very innappropriate, we had an emotional affair. My wife knows, she found out 3 days ago. This never had anything to do with dissatisfaction at home, I LOVE MY WIFE. She says that she will not be leaving me and that one day she will forgive me because she needs that. But I know that I have placed a cloud over our relationship that will not easily if ever go away. I am hoping that there is someone on here who has gone through something similar to what I have put my family through and has some advice. I know that God can heal all, but this is a spot where I don't see how.

Was this an affair and how do I tell my spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 05:08:25 GMT

I have been married for 6 years and have 2 children with my spouse. We are both Christians, and overall, our marriage has been very fulfilling and franklly pretty wonderful. Sure, we've had our ups and downs but with the Lord's guidance we've managed to work through the things that life throws at us, like financial instability, career changes and the everyday stresses that come with raising children while both working.

The trouble is this...I recently caught up with an "ex." Over the years, we'd occassionaly run into eachother because we live within a few miles of eachother and know many of the same people. Since it had been so long since we'd spoken, I extended a hello and congratulations for a major event that just happened in this person's life. (This initial "hello" was over the web.) To make a long story short. We sent messages to eachother for several hours that day as we caught up on what had been going on in our lives up until that point. Until then it was a very platonic exchange of e-mails. Then things got serious. The "ex" told me that even though it had been about 7 years since we last got together, he still loved me and even after having another long-term realtionship never felt the kind of love we had again. He had a child but never married. When I heard about the current feelings I was at a loss for words. I explained that perhaps the reasons why he still felt that way about me was because we were younger there was an innocence about the relationship we shared which made it feel pure. Nothing else mattered in the world when we were together. But I was married now, loved the family I created and led a completely different life, it was simply too late. This is what I said with my mouth. In my mind, I kept thinking about the "what ifs." I will admit this...this "ex" and I shared many "firsts" and we were together for 3 years before I met my spouse. Then before my spouse and I were engaged there was a break-up. It was during this time that I reconnected with the "ex" for a second time but it didn't really turn into anything because of a relationship they were involved in and my family always disapproved of him. For a few years there was a battle between the person I wanted to be with and my family's approval, eventually it became too much for me, so I ended the relationship. But like I said none of that should have mattered to me but... it did. After a long telephone conversation, we agreed to meet up for a small meal and talk face to face. I did not tell my spouse whom I was going to meet. We ate over good conversation and laughed about old times for about 2 hours. As we we're saying goodbye there was a hug, which turned into an embrace and almost led to a kiss. But I insisted that it not go there and my wishes were respected. What was supposed to be a quick goodbye turned into another hour and a half of talking and eventually I gave in to the kiss.

The next day we agreed to meet again and this kiss turned into more passionate kissing and embracing as we talked about how our lives might have been had we stayed together for good. I opened up to this person and shared that a part of me would always love him. This lasted for several hours but we both knew that it mean trouble if it physically went any further so I left. We made several phone calls & text messages to eachother as the next 3 days passed. That same weekend, needless to say, the kiss happened again. Question #1: We never committed the act of sex but shared enough intimate space and time to constitute an affair, correct?

Being a Chrisitan I knew it was only a matter of time before the Lord sent a direct word to me to shake me up. And sure enough, it happened. The voice of God was very clear in reminding me that I belonged to another and that I needed to run from the sin that would make me fall completely. So I ran to the altar at the next service, confessed, cried and repented before the Lord. The moment I had the opportunity, I told the "ex" that no matter what I felt for him the truth was I loved my family and wanted to be an honorable christian wife and mother and that we needed "to end it now." Those were my exact words. In order to avoid it going any further, I cut off all communication with the "ex." He explained that it wasn't what he wanted and that he'd always love me but understood my reasons and we ended it right there. Question #2: How do I tell my husband? We've always had a very trusting relationship. He knows all about the past I shared with this person and knows who he is. I know he'll be hurt.

Wife gone for 13 days now

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:16:39 GMT

13 days ago my wife of 2.5 years came home late and went into the other bedroom. I asked her what was wrong but except for a few angry sobs, all she told me was that she was lonely and that she can't believe I had treated her this way. She said she needed to sleep and didn't want to talk about it any longer. She said we would talk about it the next day, Friday. On Friday I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her, then later in the day she texted me to say that we were too emotional and she needed some space and was staying with a friend and we would talk after the weekend. She is a professional horse trainer and her coach was coming the next week. Apparently he showed up early on Sunday and planned to say the whole week through Saturday. In the middle of the week, she texted me and said that she needed to focus on things with her horses since it was so intense and that we would talk after the coach left. I called her in the middle of the week she screened my call so I left a message that said I loved her and some other things and that I wanted to talk. She texted right back that she was not ready to talk but that she was going to see the counselor who we had pre-marital counseling with. I had already been to see him a couple of times during the week. He told me that they had talked on the phone for some time and that she was going to come in on Monday (yesterday). I was really really hoping that she was going to do that and that she would talk to me afterward. But to my knowledge they never had set a time and nothing every happened. Today is her birthday and I sent her a poem that describes where I am at. I am hoping that she will be able to hear what is in it.

Today is an incredibly hard day for me. I have been focusing on God and trusting him. He has given me patience and strenth to get through these 13 days and find an amazing peace and joy. I have taken this 12 days to really go deep inside myself and my realtionship with God and try and figure things out. This is what she asked me to do in the beginning. I know that this is my fault. For the last couple of months I have been distant and withdrawn from her and I have lashed out in anger on many occassions. I cannot believe how much I have hurt her and how I left her alone in our marriage these last few months. This withdrawing has been a pattern for me and is usually associated with feelings of guilt, low self-worth, and pornography. I have focused on those in both understanding why they are there, how they affect me, and getting rid of them once and for all.

I have been talking with my counselor and friends about all of this. I have been writing about all of this for myself (something that I realize I need to always do to maintain connection with myself). I really have come a long way in my realtionship with God in terms of correctly understanding grace and forgiveness. And I have come to terms with some things in my past that I hadn't dealt with. I have forgiven myself for some of these things that I have held deep inside. I have come to a place of surrender with my God and he is changing my heart in fits and spurts. Knowing this would be a tough time, I started a Bible Study and mentor relationship about pornography. I also have an accountability partner and he installed SafeEyes software on all my computers. God is helping me deal with that sin and it hasn't been an issue during this very lonely time. I am confident in myself and in God that this can work out. I don't know how to get her to talk to our counselor. I don't know how to get her to talk to me. I am still hopeful because I have no reason not to trust her and no reason to think she isn't willing becaue she hasn't said that. But that hope is hard to maintain through a couple text messages through 13 days and no other contact. And while she hasn't said she isn't willing to fight for our marriage, she also hasn't given me any indication that she is.

How do I grow closer to God?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 04:32:34 GMT

I have always beleived that there is a God. But for some reason I cannot grow close to him. People say read the Bible. Well, I do that and I just cannot get anything out of it. When I hear people say "pray" or "leave it in gods hands" or "god is looking out for you" or anyhting like it I roll my eyes. Well inside I do.

I just feel like I cannot get close to him. I do go to church. We have recently changed church's because of a disagreement with the main church and there preaching of what they think the bible says. Now we are attending a new one and my family loves it but I am having a hard time with the pastor. I just do not get anything out of his sermons. He speaks very slow and always has his head down reading notes. So I end up losing interest and my mind starts wondering.

How do I grow closer to God? I feel if I was closer to him I would be depressed much less. I would be more greatfull for things that I have and not curse them because I hate them.

I think it comes a little from my past. I grew up extremely poor. Even went homeless for a few years, just my mom, brother and I. I have always taken things into my own hands. I feel like I cannot let someone else take charge, so to speak. Like if I have someone tell me to put it into Gods hands, I deep down, roll my eyes.

Hope I made myself a little clear. I cannot think of a better way to explain myself. I just want a closer relationship with God. I want to be able to just "hand it over to him" and be greatful and not regretful. Or feel like an idiot.

Pornography's Effect on Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:16:36 GMT

Is your spouse addicted to pornography? How is this affecting your relationship?

Responding to his past

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 20:50:24 GMT

Dear Focus on the Family community,

I am in an ideal relationship with a wonderful, Christlike young man, and I have never felt so cherished. We were praying about getting engaged soon when questions about the past came up. I knew that my boyfriend had slept with someone a number of years ago and felt deeply regretful about this. However, he just shared that he had also been sexually immoral in relationships since then, including just several months before we started dating. He had felt so filthy and down after the first incident that I guess he lost hope and strength for better, and began to rationalize his actions. He is a wonderful spiritual leader and seems to be victorious in every aspect of his life except this one. I have always wanted to keep myself pure for my future husband and have never so much as kissed anyone, so we have held high standards in our current relationship. I know he has been relieved and renewed by being able to seek Christ with me, and he wants to raise a strong Christian family with me. However, I am hurt and surprised by his recent actions, I am concerned that he wasn't able to maintain high standards until he was with me, and I am worried that it might be unwise for me to be engaged to him. I'm not so concerned about the past, but should I be concerned about his character?

I would appreciate your advice and prayers!

Is biblical submission supposed to hurt every day like this?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:12:34 GMT

My marriage is in crisis; my husband refuses counseling on a private level...and we have exhausting power, money and children issues. However, many days, he wants to have sex first thing in the am and often wakes me up by saying, "Can we make love?" Repeatedly, I ask my husband to "date" me, help to meet my emotional/companionship needs, etc., before having sex in the am or evening, but like other posters, he is pretty absent and still wants a vibrant sex life. I ache inside for biblical love. I feel so stuck and I am frustrated and disappointed. My faith is affected.

This am, he asked for sex 1st thing, I had to get kids to school, he slept in until I returned, he wanted sex; I asked him since he had extra time today, could we spend time together first...cross country skiing, talking, etc. He was upset, told me in so many words I had to make a choice and that if I gave him more sex, he might give me more attention and when I refsued and tried to have a conversation, he left for work and used my words, saying "I had to romance him". He is acting selfish and spoiled and I am TIRED. This isn't what God wants, right? Mutual submission, a partnertship, is right in God's eyes, right? I've spoken to a wonderful Focus counselor twice in the last few weeks becasue my husband demands another child. The counselor says she doesn't think my husband resepects me. I am ready to address this; the denial is over. I am seeking a Focus listed counselor in my area, but in the meantime, I would appreciate feedback. I don't want to live like this anymore. Our paster and wife are coming this Friday to discuss my husband's demand for a child using donor eggs, possible surrogate, but my husband is one DETERMINED boy. Please help.

Prayer Deperately needed. My marriage is falling apart!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:36:07 GMT

My wife & I have been married for 11 years and she recently told me that she hasn't been in love with me for a long time & that she wants to separate. She has gone so far as to buy a house that is 45 minutes away from where we live now and plans to move out this weekend.

When she initially told me that she wanted to separate she told me that she wanted to date me again & see if the feelings that she once had for me would come back.

Last night I asked her to listen to a sermon on marriage by Adrian Rogers and she got extremely irritated about 1/3 of the way into it. The night before we discussed the terms of our separation further & both agreed that we would see each other exclusively. Well, last night after listening to just a portion of the message she told me that she had lied to me & that she looked forward to dating other men & that she had no intention of ever dating me again.

I was devastated when she said this to me. My wife is the only woman I have or will ever love. Because of this I had the worst nightmares of my life. I felt so alone and helpless in my dreams. It is a feeling that I don't ever want to experience again!!!

Please pray for my wife. I want her to have peace, happiness, and love, but I also hope that her heart might be softened toward me.

Please pray that the Lord will intervene in our marriage and give me the strength to hold on. I don't know how much more of this I can bare.

Thank you.

So, there's this guy..............

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 13:47:01 GMT

I am married (7 years) & have 2 beautiful daughters. This is the 2nd marriage for my husband & I both & we are very involved with our church (which my dad is the pastor of).

This past week, i had an ex boyfriend contact me on facebook (a guy that i havent seen/talked to in 10 years) however; we dated"back in the day" & never really "broke up" just went our seperate ways & he took a big piece of my heart with him.

He contacted me to tell me that he was sorry for how things just "fizzled out" & said that he hates it & is sorry that he is telling me these things now that i am married-but that i hold a special place in his heart.

Ever since then, all i can do is think about him......we have continued to private message each other on facebook & have talked about meeting up with each other, etc.....

I KNOW in my head that this is WRONG. I DO NOT want to do anything to hurt my children. But my heart, keeps telling me that this is RIGHT.>>>>I feel trapped.

Do i love my husband? I do-but like a brother. We are not connected emotionally or romantically>>>>>

i really need some help!

Economic Crisis

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:15:04 GMT

How is the nation's economic crisis affecting your family's finances?

Child from an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:31:50 GMT

Hello everyone. A few months ago I wrote here regarding my husband leaving my kids and me. To summarize it, he left us in February, in June I found out that the woman he was living with was pregnant, and I pretty much lost my mind for a while. But God who sees all has been watching my kid's and my suffering and has moved us along to find some kind of peace in a relatively short time. I was just beginning to find peace and feel more sure of myself and my future with my children. Well, I guess God is changing him and convincing him of his wrong doing. He has come back, left the other woman, is sleeping on the couch. I am happy that he's back, but I know it will take a long time to trust him again and to really see him as my husband again, but I know it can happen. What I don't know is if I'll ever be able to accept that she's having his kid in 3 months and he seems to want to be envolved in the kid's life. In my head I know that's right, because it is his child. But my heart can't accept it. I wish he would just pay child support and never see them. Has anyone been through this type of situation? I love my husband and am truly happy he's back, but he has brought so much baggage with him. Can anyone offer some advise from experience? I want to make my marriage work.

Thank you!!!

I don't know what is real anymore

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 05:14:53 GMT

Early the morning of our 16th wedding anniversary, I used my husbands phone to send an email to a friend who was losing their job that day. I noticed that nearly every letter I typed gave me a suggestion to fill in with sexual terms. My hands nearly froze while my heart raced nearly out of my chest and my whole body began shaking. It couldn't be true. Not *my* husband. He loves me so much, he tells me all the time. But there were the searches. There was the history. All types of pornography. I couldn't stop looking and searching; I had to know it all. I was confused....some of it was nasty-girl raunchy sex stuff, some of it was "innocent" looking lingerie girls. What does he want?? I very, very rarely turned down his sexual advances which were almost constant, we had this incredible connection , he was so loving to me, I truly felt our marriage was definitely one of two devoted soul-mates. I'm sure he would have agreed. People wished they had our marriage, and I was so happy that God had put us together.

I woke him up, and still shaking, said, "We need to talk about your porn problem". It eventually came out that he has a problem with masturbation. Why the need to masturbate when your wife gives you sex 4-5 times a week? And sometimes additional attention from me to only him. He says that "real" women have never been an issue to him; he doesn't even need porn, it just makes it "go faster". How could he walk out of our bathroom and smile at me like nothing had just happened in there?? He was "checking his emails" before his shower?? Now I know he was flipping through to see which girl was going to get him off this time.

He also confirmed that this has been his issue our entire marriage and before.

To me, I feel like he has shared our entire marriage with his other no-name women. Yet, all the time telling me that I am everything he needs, he's so happy with me, etc. What was I to him? The physical body for his fantasies? He says no, but that's how I feel.

So much more to say...but I am frozen by emotions. It has been 9 months of daily hell for me. He says he sees it clearly now for what it is, and is so sorry. I want to believe, I really do. But how does "I love you" mean anything to me any more? I feel sick about us all the time. I can barely function, everything I see takes me to that dark place. Every cute girl makes me wonder if he wants her, too.

Please someone help me know how to feel alive and know our marriage hasn't been an entire sham. I feel like such a fool, yet he continually tells me how real his love for me has always been.

I need help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:16:34 GMT

I don't know where to begin. We are working with a christian organization in Asia. I've gone to 3 local counsellors over the last 10+ years and come away feeling worse. I have so many problems it's hard to articuate but I'll try. First, I have always had low self esteem. I have a bad temper and am so mean to my kids at times, I argue with my husband all the time, I'm always feeling sad, I do think about suicide but I really don't have the guts to do anything, plus I know it would be unfair to my kids. My Granddad and Dad are both prominent men in the Christian community where I live so it's hard to find a counsellor that doesn't know them. My husband and I are with a well known christian organization here so that just makes things more difficult. I'm turning to you because I really miss FOTF...I used to listen to the braodcasts everyday before we moved here from the US. The main problem now is that my relationship with my husband is really bad. I am very uncomfortable with him working with all females all the time but the reality is that the ratio is at least 3 girls to 1 guy. The team he works on...he's the only guy amongst 10+ girls. I'm very insecure. He says he loves only me but I don't feel that when he argues with me. He says it's ok when he has his team meetings at Starbucks because it's a public place but my contention is that they are alone at a table and that's private enough. He has lots of prayer times together, someitmes with one team member, sometimes more, but he says it's only ministry prayer requests so that's ok. I get so insanely insecure and jealous. I stay home and am very isolated. That is part of the problem because there are days I don't speak to anyone but my kids, and when my husband comes home and doesn't want to interact with me because we just fight and the kids know we do, I feel worse. I know I have issues and my husband is not to blame for everything, but how do I handle the painful feelings I have when he spends all his time emailing, texting, talking, meeting with these girls (and 90% of them are single!) I know I sound so pathetic and this is just the tip of the ice berg. Our fights are just about on everything. It seems like there is no love between us anymore. Every discussion ends up in a fight...even the simplest stuff. I feel unloved, and I know that the mean person I am makes me unloveable, so it's somewhat justified. But I can't go on everyday. My Husband says he will never leave me because he loves me, but I don't feel loved or noticed or appreciated. I can't compete with these young single girls, and it drives me nuts when he talks so tenderly to them on the phone, albeit to discuss work, and then return to sullen silence or talk to me in a sharp tone. I'll start with this but I am feeling so hopeless.

Biblical Reasons For Divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 15:59:32 GMT

Wife left me with 3 yr daughter a month ago, There has been only email or txt contact.

I have seen my daughter only 3 times in a month.

Her boss of non-Christian faith has inserted himself between as a problem resolver.

He has been influncing her on her decisions, She stays in their house.

All emails and communication goes through his filter.

I don't know what my wife really is anymore, I am not sure if she still has the good heart that she had when I got married.

She is not a bible-church going person, she has some Christian belief. She says she forgives but talks about payback behind my back.

Her boss is also influencing on her school choice.

Her boss said, "Christian" is not one of the criteria he looks for in a school.

Please pray for this unusual situation.

I am not sure if my wife likes somebody else, which will be the only reason for me to apply divorce.

I am worried about my future of my daughter living under his influence.

I am recently coming back into faith, saved by grace of Christ.

Please pray.

I need to quickly figure out, if I need to keep waiting.. do nothing loose my kid or take some legal action or just stay compassionate.

Separated and can't let go of my wife.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 04:41:27 GMT

I'm new to this online community but I am really needing support. The more I read on these posts, the more I feel like my situation happens often. I had an affair and my wife left me.

I had a blended family and this was a second marriage for both of us. I had 2 children and she had 1 from our first marriages. We dated for 2 years before marrying and we were together for about 5 years after. We always had our issues; like many blended families. Due to previous relationships; I never gave my wife the love she deserved. When she was pregnant with our child; I was not able to enjoy it or be supportive enough. I just worried about her leaving me or losing my child.

Due to finances; I began working as a travel nurse. I almost missed my son's birth. When I returned to work; I ended up traveling again due to the need for extra money. While out of town; I became depressed about my situation (not seeing my family and my baby growing up without me) and ended up having an affair. I have had no contact with this woman since the day I returned home.

I've always believed in God and have been involved with church as much as my schedule permitted. I repented to God and my wife after the affair. We tried to work it out for a few weeks but she left me and took our child. It has been about 20 months since she left (still not divorced or finished with court).

About 3 months ago she revealed she had started seeing someone. She maintains it is more of a "friend," but it crushed me. I almost committed suicide the weekend she told me. I had been holding onto hope that she and I would stay single and end up back together. I survived the weekend with God's help and on the following Monday sought help. I also turned to church. I've been going regularly and attend a divorce support group too. I have changed and I have become a new man. I was sorry before and truly love my wife; but now I understand what I did. I have lost everything. I pray and read scripture daily and have turned my life into one where God is the top priority.

I have prayed for peace and healing in my heart since she told me. My love for her has grown 100 times what it was before. I accept everything about her. She has maintained that if we were to have tried to make it work; I would have still been unhappy soon after and left or lost interest in her. Before I changed; she may have been right. I always thought I could have done better (or other people thought I could) and had to justify my marriage. I don't feel this way anymore; I know what I had and how I'm supposed to treat her.

I have been heart broken since she left but it has gotten worse instead of better. I sit through sermons about marriage, committment; sexual sin and I hate my old self. I ruined my family. I pray for my wife's relationship with God every day. God has seared in my heart and mind what marriage is and how you honor it. I know I would never do anything like this again. But I have such guilt, shame and regret now. I cry almost every day for what I have lost. But my wife feels like I should "move on;" she says she has. God has told me to stay committed while we are still married. I know that it would take God and a miracle for us to be together; but I'm praying for it. I don't know what else to do. I just need support in this journey. It's hard to stand where I am while being told to "get over it" and know there is another man involved. I don't want anyone else and I want to raise our son together.

Please pray for me,

Sad Dad

My Child, if sinners entice you, turn your back on them! Proverbs 1:10

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:36:55 GMT

Re-phasing to my present circumstance: My Child, if the ungodly suggest leaving your husband, don't listen to them !!!

Father God,

You know that I am very vulnerable right now. I have been very deeply hurt by my husbands actions. I feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of his sex addiction.

Thank you for putting Godly counsel around me. Thank you for the Holy Spirit who raises a red flag when I hear ungodly advice. Help me to be careful to whom I share my present circumstances with and that they are the safe people you have given me.

Help me to not tear my husband down with my words or talk negatively about him to anyone who is in my circle of influence.

Give me peace as I walk this out.

Give me rest when I feel like I can't go on.

Give me wisdom and understanding so that I can be successful in being the helpmate that you desire me to be. I need clarity to see my own faults and to repent as well.

Forgive me for own weakness and make me strong in your spirit. Give me supernatural emotional and spiritual strength, protect my health, mind, body and soul as I begin this process of re-building my marriage on a solid foundation that honors you - my savior.

Perpare my heart so that I can love my husband, unconditionally, as he faces his errors and makes the changes he needs to be a better husband and a stronger christian.

I am asking right now, this moment and forever that you break the demonic spirit that has a hold on him. Put wise, Godly, caring, compassionate men around him to help guide him to become the man you intended for him to be.

Give my husband peace in knowing that he is forgiven and to rise above his feelings of shame and condemnation.

Amen and AMEN

Death of a Marriage, Promise of a Resurrection, and the Miracle of a Restoration - Testimony of My Comforter..My Redeemer..My Avenger

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:35:23 GMT

Hello Everyone. This is not my first posting. However, I have been wanting to share my story. I have read alot of the postings and it breaks my heart to hear such tragedy in a covenant. Yet encouraging to hear what God does in His people. The strength that comes from the hurt. At this time, I am ok. Just struggling with forgiveness.

That is why I am writing...Well here it is......maybe long and I apologize. I just had to pray about this and I believe it is time to write. I am asking for guidance but you need to know where I am at .....

Now married for 15 years...barely by the Grace of God. I did everything right! Honored my parents. Didnt do drugs, smoke, drink and I wasnt promiscuous. Good catholic girl, wanted to know Jesus got saved during High School. Cooked, clean and worked since birth ( my parents wanted to make sure I was domesticated for my husband and was able to be independent just in case I became to feminist). College and engaged for a few years, graduated, married, jobs, house, baby, and new cars....All was good ...right???? you would think. I did it right. Somehow though, I knew something was missing. My husband was an unbeliever and I was just trying to walk in faith. Didnt know much about being unevenly yoked. It is a huge toll.

My husband was my first and my only. So to go through this was incredible to me. Many years ago, I knew he was into pornography but didnt know he was writing to these women. Didnt know how to handle it but got rid of computer. Needless to say, I blocked that out to save my marriage. Fine. Worked with our marriage and it was ok.

Last year is when it happened. Mid March our anniversary month he was distant. He planned to go to Vegas one day while making a trip to take me and my daughter to Florida in the Summer.....I knew something was up and quesitoned it but stated that money was an issue. Fine.

Mind you, through out this time. I have been praying for revelation, a better marriage, salvation of my husband, wisdom from God and to lose weight.

I found different numbers in cell ..I would ask..he would deny. Fine

I found the receipt for Vegas with 2 in room ..he said that is what the website defaults too.

I found a prepaid card...he said belong to a friend.

Came home late..had overtime.....had an answer for everything ....but I tell you God was preparing me for something..Came back from the trip and found a romantice CD...said a friend gave him...called that friend and he denied..FINALLY, husband had to own up to it...he said that an ex-girlfriend mailed to him..that is another story. Fine. He needs to stop this and it was not right association. He said Fine, but was mad. Several days later on my birthday I looked in truck and there was viagra and condoms. I comfronted him with love and asked WHY? he said a friend gave as a joke...Whatever. I was just exhausted with all the lies and continued to love this man. NEVER giving up with my prayer request.

I knew things were still not right but now my work was suffering because of all the deciet and treachery. I had to start to look elsewhere for a job just in case this doesnt work out. Months passed, it is now Dec 2007.. My family member passed and I had to go to the Mid West for the funeral and my husband said that I should. In my gut, I knew I shouldnt..but it was family..I had to go. I did. When I came back, he told me that he couldn't be married to me. He was miserable and wanted a divorce but I am a good woman and he is sorry. I asked him is there another woman. He said no. Yet, he has been texting another woman and wrote a love letter that I approached him with and he said nothing had happened. Whatever, we were divorcing and he was moving out at he end of the month. Christmas was here in a few weeks, family is staying over and many functions happening and I had to smile through all this to save them and my child from this tragedy. Still praying..BUT now SAVING of my marriage. I have NEVER been through a tougher time than this. THIS is WHERE my FAITH worked....1Peter 3:1-6 had to be in effect....Phil 4:6 had to be practiced...BUT it wasn't until I was doing a study on Moses when Ex 14:13-14 spoke to me at the moment that God knew I was going to need it most...that I held on to the Hem of his skirt and I BELEIVED the promise that was stated and took it on my own!!!!! I finally knew what I had to do....I am done, I had to humble myself to God....let my marriage go and do what needs to be done....I was scared yet I knew God will provide for me in EVERY WAY!

Bottom line....I had to behave with grace, humility, and LOVE with this man who has mistreated me, humiliated me, disrespected me, deceived me and OVERALL threw me away like trash.

A month passed and he asked for forgiveness and wants to come back. I stated not without confession and counseling. We went and he promises to be better with me and family. To try to attend services but there was no infidelity. Fine, I had to believe and go forward. FUNNY though. God granted him many opportunities to stop...then He offered many opportunities to confess...I had told him ....there will be a day when he will bow. My God is not a God to be mocked. Whatever is in the dark will be shown in the light.....you too will be humbled.....Sure enough, 2 days after our 1st counseling session...I received the phone call from his ex-girlfriend from High School..she called to apologize for the affair. Needless to say, I was not surprised and I wasnt mad. I ministered to her and I blessed her and I asked her that she best get right with God before she got left. I forgive her and have no ill will.....mind you, the phone rang 5 minutes prior to me leaving the house to my new job, dropping my baby off on a Monday....my child witness my face turn white and my composure was only of God.....my child knew though.

To quickly end this. Called my husband after dropped off my child..told him who he was...basically CUSSED him out like there was no tomorrow(feeling bad all the while..aint that a blip!) using words that I dont use. I dont speak like that. Never have. I think that is what scared him. I will spare you the details after. He knew it was over and couldnt believe it went down like that.

He was remorseful and repented. Give up everything and will attend ALL services and devotionals, conferences, emails, pictures, videos, cell, you name it he said and committed to it. I DIDNT demand anything but the truth. I told him that the God I serve dont play. It was great to see the Fear of God in his face when all the promises that I quoted came to light.... Strange...though it was the most devastating day of my life to finally know the truth...I was at peace. God granted me everything I prayed for.....I just didn't think he would have done it all at once and in this manner.....God granted me Revelation...he granted me a better marriage....granted Salvation of my husband (this summer accepted Jesus as His Lord and Savior)..he said when it all went down...what drew him back was how I was during the most painful time of my life and yet I still loved him thru it.......wisdom from God...without that I wouldn't of survived this....AND yes, I lost weight..30 pounds in 3 weeks...not healthy..and not fun...it was stress.

There is more...I think I need to stop.

Conclusion, it has been 11 months...made it to our 15th Anniversary..nice..... my husband has been faithful to all HE said he would do and then some. Loving, attentive, patient, endearing, compassionate and understanding....devoted now. I finally feel his love for me that I never felt before. He cherishes me which is what I have always wanted. Biggest compliment when he said that he finally seen the Jesus in me that is what made him want to come back.... I have no suspicions and he realizes the horror of what he did to GOD and to me and my child. It is something that he fights with all the time. Honestly, I am glad. I know that is bad....but the anniversary of this whole thing is coming up and I am fighting the FLESH that rises within me...the hurt, the pain, the hate, the resentment, the bitterness..Now, there is a new battle. Forgiveness and Healing.

I just want to say. Though I know God's hand has been with me through all this...I battle. Regardless, My God is a Wonder and Real to me like this screen I am writing on. God can resurrect a marriage that has been dead and bring it to life.....you just need to step away and let Him do it.......and God is true to His word about restoring it as well. So I believe that and I thought that maybe someone out there can find hope in this. I am not saying this is a happy ever after in the sense of Fairy Tales....but I guess it is in the truest sense of the word. If I had to endure this pain to win the salvation of my husband....then so be it...as long as God carries me through it....He will never give me more than I can bear....are there any questions of possible affairs later???....I dont care...I am tired, exhausted and I leave it to God to answer...God said "Vengeance is mine and I shall repay." My husband knows what God says about adultery and his role as a husband and father.....I trust My God to his word and His word does not come back void. I am accountable for my role and will do ........regardless...For I have been a witness of a Promised Resurrection and a Miracle of Restoration....Peace to all you and that God may grant you all rest and comfort...Love ME!

He finally left...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:21:16 GMT

I am so broken. After falling into an unhealthy web culture since January, my husband found someone 5 weeks ago and is moving out with her. We will be separated and he wants a divorce.

14 years of marriage. I love him. He was my family...my best friend....so deep was our marriage. He told me he has fallen out of love with me. He told me his involvement with this web culture has nothing to do with it, but if he wasn't involved in sin and moving out...we could go to counseling. We could go to church...We could ask God for help.

He said, "God can't change my mind."...

I ache. I ache. Please pray for me. He dropped me of at grad school for 6 weeks and during that time....found her, schemed and moved out. He locked me out of the bank accounts. I feel abandoned. I was 19 when I married him. I feel so lost. It is so hard. I am coming home to nothing. I am so alone.

My mom is my best friend and she has Stage IV Ovarian cancer. If I lose her and my marriage at once...I don't know what I will do. Please pray for me tonight and the next few nights. I am losing faith fast. And so terrified.

Message was edited by: Moderator

Please pray for us

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:37:11 GMT

I have a post under "today is day 1" if you want to read the whole story. But to let you know what is happening, My wife has filed for divorce and I have been trying since january to work on the marriage. I love my wife and kids. daughter 9, son 6, and daughter 4. I dont want to lose my wife and kids. I need prayers for GOD's wizdom, strength and help for my families restoration. My kids are already suffering, as I cant see them every day now. I saw them last night and am worried about my oldest the most. I have to get an attorney today, and wish there was some way to put this on hold and find some way to work this out. PLEASE PRAY FOR US thank you all.

husbands jealousy taking a toll

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:34:35 GMT

My husbands jealousy is taking a toll on our marriage. We have been married for 19 yrs. but for the past

5 we have really had some struggles with his jealousy and insecurities. He accuses me of cheating on

him at least once a month. He gets angry if i do anything with anyone other than him or our children. He

is driving me away and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I put up walls every time he accuses me

just as protection. I feel like if I harden myself to him he can't hurt me. I know this is not good for our marriage

but I don't know what else to do. We have a huge fight at least once a month because of his accusations and

my defending myself. Than we make up and all is okay for another month. I don't want to do this anymore.I

feel like he doesn't want me to find pleasure in anything except him. If anyone has a word of

advice for me I will really appreciate it.

What to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:09:45 GMT

Hi there,

I don't know what to do a christian counselor has told us to have a clinical separation. I don't believe in separation my husband belives that he has given permission for divorce hearing this from a christian. For the past four years my husband and I have been having problems there was no sign of infidelity until summer last year when I saw him in a park holding hands with his co-worker who I know we had just moved into our first home less than two weeks. We had such a big argument that I was forced to leave for about month. My husband agreed to speak to someone but he said it would not matter because his mind is made up he wants out. he feels trapped in this marriage he does not want me to ask him, when he is coming home or where he is going he does not want any kind of responsibility infact he does not want any communication with me. Where he worksthere are a lot of divorce and single women he is very flirtous and over friendly I have been told by some of his coworkers. I have found a lot of text messages from his coworkers that are inappropriate eg. I miss u etc. Since I have caught him he has slept on the couch he statred to go back to church and we even joined a prayer group together with all this going on. But he is such a two face person as soon as we walk through the doors he is a mean person, recently we had an argument and since that he has said it is over he is looking for an apartment he is going to sell the house and he told me that I bought the counselor into his life and he believes that God is speaking through him and separation it is, he aslo told me that the counselor advised him to have at least coummincation with me and don't even go out or do anything with me. We haven't been intimate for the past few years he said his heart has become hardened towards me he does even want to try. He is also very deep into pornography even when he started to go back to church after some time I found it on the computer and cell phone. I believe that waht God has put together let no man put asounder. I told him that I still love him and if he wants to leave I will not try and stop him but he is still here. And am a little concerned because he and the counselor has become good friends and will still encourage him to separate. I almost forgot the counselor told me that my husband said that he had opened up his heart for god to change and do his work in him but nothing happen. Should not the counselor still encourage him in the word of god. My husband knows the bible very well even in the prayer groups he helped and answered question to other people. If you met my husband you would think he is a wonderful person.. Can you help me.

Could your fear of embarrassment keep your husband in bondage to his secret sin?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 10:25:04 GMT

Father God,

Thank you for giving me a tender conscience and the willingness to examine my own faults. My marriage was near an end and now we are on the path of restoration!

Thank you or forgiving me so that I am in right standing with you so you can begin a good work in/through me.

My stubbornness in accepting that I played any part in my husbands struggles was how Satan was able to continue to plague our marriage. My fear of embarrassment kept us/me from seeking help.

Thank you for giving me peace and taking away my feelings of shame.

Use me to reach other wives by allowing me to tell my story - My shame kept my husband in bondage and if you want to help free him of his addiction you need to step out of your comfort zone (your box) and tell your secret to your Pastor. You need to get into a support group. If you really want your marriage to be all that God intended it to be you need to break the bondage of your shame.

Psalms 141:2: Accept my prayer as incense offered to You, and my upraised hands as an evening offering.

Amen

Prayer please

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 01:06:21 GMT

I have been married for 6 years and just found out that my husband had developed a "phone" relationship with one of our tenants. I am so hurt and confused right know that I don't know what to do. We do have a church home, but have not attended in almost a year. I have been saved over 20 years, but my husband didn't accept Christ until after we had been together a few months. I don't feel I can go to my church family and my faith in God right now is very shakey. I would appreciate prayers for direction, guidence and healing. Thanks!

Husband with low sex drive

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:13:45 GMT

My husband and I just had a discussion where he told me he felt like he has had a lower sex drive in the past 3 or 4 months. I got offended and felt like he was saying that he did not have a desire to have sex with me anymore. He claims that is not the case and thinks it has something to do with a herniated disc injury that he is living with right now. It causes him to be in pain every day and he takes Aleve to help cope with the pain on a daily basis. He thought maybe it was the medication or just having to deal with that in general that has something to do with it. However I am not buying it. The doctor never said lowered sex drive was a symptom of a herniated disc. Should I be offended? Should I trust him when he claims that it has nothing to do with lack of attraction even when that's what causes a man to want sex.....is being attracted. I don't know what to think and in the mean time I am feeling really low about myself!

new relationship, new world, new family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 06:07:31 GMT

Dear Friend,

I have a new beginning of a new chapter in my life, almost engaged, and persuing our future as a Godly family. I have had alot of hurt and violation previously and desire to gain healing to grow and move forward. Here is the catch up to where i am now.

I am a 29 yr old widow of 6 1/2yrs and single mother of a 7 yr.old son. I was raised up in an old-fashioned penecostal home, then later went non denomenational, learning of Gods love at age 12. I have been molested at age 13, lost my virginity at 18, confided then taken advantage of by a youth pastor, and several others. I got married when i found out i was 2mos pregnant with my boyfriend who loved me thru all my hurtful past, and was already planning of the future. I, then got cheated on later, when my son was 2 mos. My husband was raised in church, his father being a pastor, and i being his first serious relationship. Pornography, alchohol, and marajuana, was his hidden lifestyle that didnt get cleared up, but rather hidden, by kicking us to the curb, and portraying as if i had left him. 6 mos later, after filing for a legal separation, he responded divorce, but later wanted to work things out. The divorce wasnt finalized, we talked for a few mos, i asked him to start rebuilding trust, by first clearing up with his parents what really had happened with us. He had one conversation, about how he initiated the breakup, and that most of what he had said about me wasnt true, then saved the details for the next visit. We had barely moved into an apartment but 6 days, then was involvled in a vehicle accident that broke bones, and took his life. He had joined the army, during the break, and assigned the beneficiaries, his father and our son, half and half. The funeral was all about the family, mother esp., and basketball coach, but none of i or his son. At the gravesite, his father stood up and took the flag that was almost handed to me, but ,i being in the wheelchair for a pelvis fracture, could not stand. I was in an emotional shock, but felt that didnt seem right. There was never a settlment from the accident, although it was a police chasing a suspect that ran a red light then t-boning our vehicle at 65mph. I have been working and serving God in a local church since, dated a few times but devoted most of my time being a working mother.

Now, in a new relationship of 7mos, and almost engaged, i am facing communication and trust conflicts, I am wanting to be heard, have my feelings validated, and have trust gently built upon while being understood. He, on the other hand feels unheard, sometimes a failure, and is new at facing and dealing with emotions. He has come from a molested, broken home. He has only been in relationships under substance and alchohol, then left with nothing. He then was locked up in prison for 5yrs, where he met Jesus after the first year. We have had sex, both wanting to wait for marraige, but daily choose to fight for purity. We desire to obtain rest under Gods blessing, and break generational cycles of sin..

So not only are we desiring direction for our relationship, step-parenting advice, and also to know and value my son's needs. My son is in a position of receiving authority from a new figure, where once it was only him, and now feels he is a third wheel.

We both love the Lord Jesus Christ with all of our hearts, and desire to share our testimony. even if it will reach just one soul. We are committed to the process of learning how to love unconditionally, as we grow and heal. We are involved in a local church serving each weekend, along with premarrital counseling of three mos. Is there any knowledge and/or revelation, that can point me in the way to grow, heal, and learn to be the wife, and mother i am called to be?!!! I have learned to trust God, not place man on a pedestal, and forgive in order to heal. God has never left me as i felt alone, i have felt the comfort and hope by the Holy Spirit. Do you have any insight from my past, to help face the future? Any advice to build, encourage, and love when listening/ or sharing my feelings? How do i see things clearly rather than thru a hurt, violated, and painful view? I wll be trusting God as I await to hear from you.

Thankyou for your time,

A Hopeful Heart

Husband's Infidelity - Need Advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 18:01:20 GMT

I knew my husband of two years had been cheating during his various frequent trips relating to his job. He would go on sites like Craigslist and find someone in whatever city he was visiting via the adult postings on the website. He used other websites as well. I never had irrefutable proof before until his recent trip to Atlantic City while I was visiting relatives out of state. I found a text to/from a prostitute who met him in his room - he even asked her to attend dinner with him and his employee who had gone up with them...also he arranged for another prostitute to sleep with his employee. We've been together for almost seven years and have a one year old daughter...I'm now pregnant again.

After years of lying about his flings he had no choice but to admit it and confess it has been going on for "at least a year." He is the king of lying. He showed no genuine remorse. My thought was to forgive him so our kids will have two parents in the house but now I'm not sure that's the best situation...especially for the kids. I cannot even look at him...he touches me and I'm repulsed...I am no longer attracted to him nor do I feel anything for him but for lack of a better word...friendship, companionship.

I‘d like to add that at no point was I ever mad about the cheating itself just the lying. What does that mean when you care more about being lied to then your spouse sleeping with someone else because I could not have cared less about that part. That can‘t be good, right?

So what...do I stay or do I move on? What are your thoughts?

Wife texting a male friend, am I too jealous or...?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:45:46 GMT

I've struggled with this issue for a little over a month now. My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and have had a strong marriage relationship. We've been blessed to have parents who have taught us what marriage is all about and a good family support network around us.

Lately, a long time friend (since childhood) of my wife's has started coming to our church (previously did not attend church) and he's really been coming quite regularly. Because he has been a long time friend of my wife's, he's naturally able to talk to her and, as a result, he has befriended me also. I enjoy his company and he is a great guy, however, lately my wife has been texting him a lot and it bothers me. When I say a lot I mean every single day of the week sometimes until 10-11 at night. It didn't bother me at first because I didn't think much of it. But when I started to notice it is when I noticed her pre-occupation with always checking her phone and sending texts rather than spend time with our toddler and I. I trust my wife completely and I have no reason to believe that her conversation with him (at least at this point) is inappropriate in nature. It bothered me enough that I needed confront her on the issue. When I did confront her, she immediately thought I did not trust her and said fine I will just stop talking to him. After further discussion we established that boundaries were needed and that she needn't stop talking to him completely. I really see this young man's life as an opportunity for ministry but I also feel that any relationship (friends of otherwise) that a married individual has needs to have limitations and boundaries for the protection of the individual and the families that they represent. I expressed my concern over the boundaries and limitations and how I felt it was inappropriate at the point where she was texting him all the time and neglecting time with our family.

A couple days passed by and she did well the first few days. However, the past couple days she has been at it again. It seems every night she talks to him through text until 10-11 at night often times well after I've gone to bed. I do not purposely go to bed to force her to have to go to bed too but it troubles me that she chooses to stay up late and I realize what she is doing. I've only had the chance to look at her phone a couple times (because she always has it on her and never leaves it lying around) but I've reviewed our phone records and those times I've suspected, she's been texting him. A couple evenings ago SHE mentioned to ME that when we got home, she would come rub my back and spend time with me. Well as soon as we got home, I got our child into bed and went and laid in bed. And waited.... 45 min - 1 hr later she came in and I was almost asleep at that time. The next morning I verified she was in the living room texting him. She had also cleared all messages from her phone from that night before.

I feel so bad for 'spying' on her but the lack of trust is killing me. I've expressed to her that I want us to continue to draw closer to the Lord and ultimately to each other. I just don't know if I'm wrong for feeling uncomfortable about this and continuing to worry about this situation or if I have legitimate reason to be concerned? As I said before, I have no reason to suspect there is anything wrong going on in their conversation but James 1:14-15 tells us that sin is conceived in desire first. I do not want this to go beyond what it already is. I've even conveyed to my wife how females are much more susceptible to emotional relationships than males are. I've known other girls who have confided in a male because that male showed them attention and it became a problem. I truly feel like I show my wife enough attention but it must not be enough as she feels the need to talk to him constantly. I think of this relationship as 'exclusive' because she has no other male OR female friends that she talks to in this way. That's what bothers me about it most is how exclusive it is. When I confronted her she said she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. Am I just being way too jealous of a husband??? I'm so confused :-(

Having difficulty trusting husband -- trying to trust, but things come up...help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:07:50 GMT

Hi. So, we've been married almost 13 years, through lots of ups and downs, but really doing quite well recently...until Saturday. I found that he had texted and had a phone conversation with a girl that he had met while he was working on Martha's Vineyard a few years ago. While he was there, I was home in Florida with our 4 children. Back in April or May, she had friended him on FB and sent a message in which she commented, "I'm glad it's not weird that we're FB buddies." Well, she also referenced speaking with him at some point last year, over the phone. I am so frustrated. I had confronted him about the email and the comment and he said that she was his roommate's girlfriend at the time on MV, but when I asked him why he talked to her last year he said that she was going through a rough spot...and now after asking him about the most recent contact, especially after I made it clear I wasn't thrilled with the message and post she had sent on FB (which he has since deleted), I just don't know what to think.

He told me that he texted her and called her to let her know that I wasn't ok with what she wrote...when I asked him why he waited until now, he said he realized he had never replied to her. HMM...but she send a msg on FB, and he texted then called her -- it just doesn't sit right with me and I don't know what to do. He did say he won't do FB at all any more and also gave back his phone -- says he loves me and only me is not interested in her in any way, shape or form, but I have a hard time with why he was calling/texting her. I really want to take his phone and text her and see how she replies, but of course, I'm sure that's Satan prodding me to do that, but if he's lying to me, I want to know. We've had various issues with him lying to me throughout our marriage, although usually it's been about the time he's gotten out of work (b/c he wants to stop by a friend's house on the way and doesn't want to tell me) and then some issues with smoking pot.

I want to move forward and to be able to trust him implicitly, but I keep stumbling onto to things and really am not sure if he's lying or telling the truth!!

I'd love any suggestions or Bible verses to run to that would help me turn this all over to God because I know I can't do it alone. I need to forgive and forget, but it's so very hard, this not knowing. I feel like if the relationship was truly platonic, then there was no need to delete the text messages and he should be able to send her a message and let me see the reply! Am I wrong in thinking this?!

-wanting2trust

Spouse says he has no feelings for mistress. Is that normal?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:56:52 GMT

I found out about my husbands year long affair 2 months ago. I came across emails where they were talking about everyday stuff and telling each other I love you. When I caught him, I told him he must call her and tell her he doesn't love her, he never loved her and that he was just using her. I needed to hear it from him and he did it without batting an eye. He has made no effort to contact her since and I know that because she sent an email a week ago venting about how he hurt her, etc.

Even though I am very glad he ended it abruptly and was very willing to do so, I am a little taken back by his lack of feeling toward her. I had an affair years ago in another marriage and I can remember feeling very attached to the person when it ended.I was not able to just shut off my feelings like that and apparently she cannot either.

Is it unusual for him to react so coldly? He says he has no desire to ever talk to her or see her again. I have a hard time believing that he has absolutely no feelings at all about her. Like I said, this was going on for a year.

I think the reason it's so important to me to know is that I am wanting to trust that he is being totally open and honest with me, but I still feel like he's holding back and not saying certain things because he's still trying to protect me. All I want is the truth and if he's still holding back then I am going to have a hard time moving forward.

How would I know if I should stand for my marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 06:09:41 GMT

I want to ask this even though it seems totally crazy to me and I don't know if I keep thinking about it because the Lord keeps putting it on my heart or if it is just *me*

I post a lot on these boards and I read many, many posts. It seems like most of the people that want to stand for their marriage actually want the marriage because they want the person back. I don't feel anything either way if my ex husband comes back or not, at least not for me. We have been divorced for almost 2 years now and at first I was standing for the marriage and I stopped a few months after the divorce was final. I just didn't want to anymore. But the feeling keeps coming back to me and I have no idea of how to know if this is the Lord or just me not wanting to get back to dating someone new.

Does anyone have any ideas? Has anyone been through this before? I am just completely not sure if I should start to pray for restoration or not. I kinda feel like I should be but not clear if that is the Lords will or not.

Thanks everyone.

My husband is having an emtional affair.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 14:20:37 GMT

My husband and I have been together for 33 years. He had an emotional affair 30 years ago, before he had the Internet and cell phone.

In reviewing this quarters phone records, I discovered that my husband is spending over 20 hours a week talking with a woman in another state. They only know each other online. The calls are at all hours and there are thousands of texts. When I confronted him he was apathetic "so what, we're friends-she is my best friend". His only real response came when I got angry and said he should fix his own coffee.

She is one of several online friends from a Christian discussion group.

He denies that there is anything wrong with his relationship with this woman. Before I found the phone records he had me talk with her/he wants her and I to be friends. She knows he is married.

He berated me with "you know nothings going on"-he has physical problems and has been unable to have sexual relations with me for 10 years now.

I don't know what to do. Over the last decade attempts at small physical contact have resulted in him getting drunk.

I feel physically and emotionally abandoned. I don't know what to do.

Plz.....My Husband is Gay.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:57:53 GMT

Hi, first i should tell you that all though i believe in God, have attended church in the past and consider myself of Christian Beliefs; I can not qoute scripture.

Back Ground: I have known my husband since i was about 10. He is 10 yrs older than i am and has known my family for years. He was friends of both my brothers and also of my parents. He was there when my Mother died and helped support my family in this time of need. He was always of man of impeachable Integrity, honesty, always there to jump in and help and had strong Christian beliefs. I jumped into a marriage very young and had 2 children. This marriage fell apart when my 2nd child was only a few months old. When i needed someone the most, my husband jumped in to help me. At that time we were only friends. Later we becan to date and then married. During our dating period, he confessed to me that he had been sexually assulted by his uncle when he was younger but that he had dealt with everything and moved forward. He was an amazing man, always there for me, spoiling me in many ways. However, after our daughter was born, things went down hill. Kevin slowly became distant physically. He didnt liked to be hugged or kissed. He didnt snuggle in the bedroom anymore. Being in my earlier 30's i though it was me. what was wrong with me? he began to spend all of time on the computer and when i would walk into the room to talk to him he would minimize the screen. I started making comments about this but he said he was working on multiple things at a time. I believed him, after all, he is the most trustowrthy honest man i knew. But after a while and multiple arguements things were getting worse, i decided to check the computer and found that he had yahoo emails that i didnt know about and that he was visiting a site called adult friends finders. I was crushed and called him instantly. He came home from work and explained to me that he had been on the site and was visiting the chat room. that was all. just chatting..... well, time went by and things just got worse. it was heart breaking, i am a very affectionate person and not to have this relationship with my husband ate me up inside. it was killing me, after askin him several times if there was something going on, he continued to assure me that it was all my imagination. this all started in 2005. 2 yrs ago, i began taking anti depressants, because i must be crazy. things would come and go, it would be ok for a while then turn. then in early August of this year, i coulndt sleep. all of a sudden i remembered about those emails on yahoo and even knew how to get into them. so that morning after everyone left and i was home alone getting ready for work, i logged into these emails, Oh My, my most faithful christian amazing husband was not chatting or seeing any females but MEETING and having sexual relations with other, some married, MEN. and these emails left nothing to the imagination at all....

I threw up for a while, called into work sick and then called him. He was very upset that i had seen those emails but was unable to get a way from work then. I had all day to think about this. I came to the conclusion that I did not hate him, and i tried, and that i wanted to hear his side of things. However when he got home, he refused to talk about it and promptly moved into the basment on the couch. It was at this time that i began to feel the real draw of myself to God. It was amazing to say the least. I began to forgive my husband and to think of what i could do to help him. this was not easy all the time, i still have questions that he refuses to answer. But then i have to think, do i really want to know things about these men? like when, where, how often?

2 weeks agao, i told my husband the hardest thing i ever said, that he needed to find out who he was and what he wanted, but that in order to really do that he needed to move out. He was becoming to comfortable, trying to sweep things under the carpet so to speak. I told him that accountabilty would be hardest thing for him. he told me he wasnt gay, that i didnt understand, that he didnt want to leave me or the kids. I told him that if he was to commit to us 100% then he could stay but that included counseling. I found a male Christian counselor for him and have made an appt for oct 6th. Hopefully he will see that appt through.

But what i would like, is Am i the only one with an issue like this? Did I actually drive my husband to other men by being needy? Please send prayers for my husband to once again become the man that i married.

thanks

husband having an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 21:04:25 GMT

This is my first time posting a message...so please bear with me. I found out back in February that my husband was having an affair with a fellow student. When I confronted him, he told me that he loved me and wanted to stay married. We hadn't even celebrated our first wedding anniversary! I took him back, and things seemed to be better. I couldn't see any way that he could still be having an affair, so I started to trust him, however there was always this little voice in the back of my head that told me I shouldn't. He had moved out to live closer to his school, and although he didn't want me to go with him because he said I would be a distraction, I didn't want to go because I didn't want my son to go to school there. He would not give me a key to his apartment, and he wouldn't let me come and visit. I know that these should have been clear signs, and although I doubted him, I wanted nothing more than to trust him.

We got married while my husband was in Iraq. We got married via proxy, but he says that because he wasn't there in person to take the vows, he doesn't view himself as married. For this reason, he doesn't view himself as married or as cheating. He lies like it's nothing, and doesn't view it as wrong. I believe that he's addicted to sex and doesn't know how to stop, but he won't get help.

I'm devastated! My heart is just crushed, and I don't know how to deal. He says that the marriage is over, but I'm not sure that's really what he wants, and although I should, I'm not sure it's what I want! When I got married, I was a single mother of 2 boys, 19 and 5, and I swore that when it happened I would never get divorced. I don't believe in divorce, although I know this is one of the true reasons that the bible says divorce is acceptable.

Does anyone have any advice to get through this? Oh...by the way...I'm in the process of trying to be approved for disability. I have a lot of physical ailments that are really hindering my being able to keep a full time job. For this reason, I can't afford a lawyer! I don't know how to protect myself in the event of a divorce.

I'm just dying inside!

Thanks!

Jennifer

marriage relationship

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 16:54:23 GMT

My husband refers to our money as his. This always causes me to feel anger. We have been married for fifteen years. I am responsible, a woman of integrity, a stay at home, homeschooling mother of three. I work most of the time very very hard and diligently, and his ways of looking at life and our relationship cause me to feel disrespected and unloved. I am having an extremely difficult time. Thanks

What Now

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 19:04:46 GMT

A couple weeks ago, my husband started sleeping on the couch and not really having anything to do with me. Then, on Thursday, he informs that he is no longer in love with me and wants out of our marriage. Let me first start by saying that it is my fault that this happened. A year, I got emotionally involved with someone it almost led to our separation. Since then, I thought that everything was getting better. I mean we had arguments and he made some accusations and threw it in my face a little but I understood that he was hurting. But now he wants out. I was really taken back by this and crushed as a matter of fact, I love my husband and I don't want to separate from him, especially that we have a 3yrs old little girl. I don't want to split up our family, let alone do this do my daughter. What should I do? Is there any way to fix this or win back my husband's love?

How can i cope with an adultry wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 04:01:10 GMT

In Feb this year my wife left me and at first said "im just tired of being married" but in a few weeks after i found out she was seeing another man from Iraq Or Iran whom she has been with since. My six year old daughter is neglected by her but i have not the money to fight her for full custody nor can i bear to see the Hurt in my daughters eyes. So I ask you all for advice on what to do cause in my state i have to wait 1 year to divorce and my daughter is mostly with her and she cuts me down to my daughter and doesnt play with her she hires sitters.

Love and Respect Webcast: Examples of Respect

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 17:43:09 GMT

Will you give some new examples of how a wife can shoe respect to her husband daily?

I want to stop my divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:35:43 GMT

My husband filed for divorce on Mother's Day due to 15 years of arguing. Since then I have been on a mission to win him back. The best book is "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle as well as "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian. I'm also reading "Real Love in Marriage" by Greg Baer and "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page. Hubby is out of the country (since June 13), returning July 6th. I want to have his palace clean, peaceful, and stress-free. I want to attract him back. There's no other woman or addictions, just major conflict. These books have helped me understand MY part in the conflict. I welcome any other advice. Since I marked this as a question, does anyone have additional advice for me, especially to maybe "blow him away" when he comes in the door after being gone almost a month? Thank you so much! ~Anne

stay or leave

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:30:56 GMT

I don't know what to do. Years ago I would have never considered leaving my husband but now that thought enters my mind more and more. We have been married for 29 years now and always since day one he has been very controlling,manipulating and very verbally abusive to the point that I feel like a nobody.And he always blames me for everything! So it's really hard to except the fact when someone says God thinks that I am special that He loves me unconditionally,because with my husband acceptance has to be earned.I feel so trapped. I'm depressed so I take antidepressants and he yells at me for taking them,actually told me to stop.He has an anger problem but he denies it.Our children are all grown and out of the house so I don't have to worry about taking care of small children.I just don't know whether to stay and keep getting yelled at til one of us passes away or leave and preserve my sanity.Cause right now I would rather die than live another day.So is verbal abuse any better than physical abuse? Please help!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

weary64

How does one show respect? What does it look like?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:26:17 GMT

What does respect look like in a marriage? What about during conflict when both husband and wife both tend to avoid conflict and tend to avoid it?

??????

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:12:48 GMT

Mywife and I have been married for 8 months,and we both have seprate email accounts,she is wanting my password,why you ask,she says I am hiding things from her.I am NOT hiding anything,I have nothing to hide,I beleive we all have the need fo some privacy ,even in a marriage.I beleive she has a distrust issue,because her ex- husband was into PORN,BIG TIME, her 2 daughters knew about it before she,thewife did.When I ask her why she wants it,her response is,I don't know what you are looking at,therefore I am being judged by her and what her ex, did.I was sexually abused as a child,so for me,there is no ROOM for PORN,and I was acussed by a 81 year old male,who had a stroke and early stages of demenita,and I went through hell for 6 months,so no pron here now or ever.She is continly harping at me,WHAT DO I DO,I need your advise and prayers.

ME&I

No intimacy in my marriage because I feel unattractive; How can I overcome this?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 17:51:40 GMT

I was in a car accident in 2006 and have had emotional problems since. I have no physical changes due to it, scars or etc. However, I suffer terribly with feeling fat, unattractive and embarrassed of what I look like. I am 10lbs. overweight but it is the veins in my legs, the flab, and cellulite that make me feel horrible about my body. I am currently waiting for a knee replacement and it has affected my left ankle. I know God gave me this body but I guess I haven't done the best job with it. It has affected my marriage and there has been no intimacy for four years. My husband tells me it is not that way for him. How can I overcome this and not feel like I have to hide and feel so ashamed of what I look like? No, I am not 29 anymore but it really bothers me. I want to release him and let him live his life happily. I would appreciate any advice. thank you!

What should I do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:45:19 GMT

I am severely depressed. I am a 29 yr old mother of 4 and my life is in shambles at the moment. It all began when my mother became very ill soon after the birth of my 3rd child. She got sick in February of 2008 and we found out it was stage 4 colon cancer in March. Needless to say, it was a huge shock and Mom was very ill very fast. During her illness, I began slipping into a depressive state, but I did not realize it until today. I had 3 young children at home, a husband who was never home, and I was working full-time & going to graduate school. During the summer of 2008, I decided that life was too short to stay miserable in the workforce so I quit my job of nearly 7 years and began looking for other full-time employment. I began working as a social worker and my mom kept getting worse. I was a wreck just thinking about the what-ifs and, to my horror, Mom passed away on Oct 31, 2008. Instead of grieving properly, I went out of my mind - not caring who I hurt or what I did in the process. I was unfaithful to my husband and I wanted nothing to do with my children. It wasn't until I was served with divorce papers in January 2009 that I realized what I had done. I desperately wanted to save my marriage, but he did not want anything to do with me or preserving our marriage. Instead, it became a custody battle for our 3 children. We shared custody for about 6 months before he decided he'd had enough and allowed me to have the children with him having visitation rights. During this time, my grandmother passed away (my only surviving grandparent), I lost my job in social work, started a new job in the banking industry, and I met a wonderful man. For whatever reason, I fell in love with him and knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I now see that I should've taken more time after separating from/divorcing my ex before jumping into a new relationship. I was already in a depressed state, but I did not do anything about it and I did not realize that it was not getting better. Despite that, I loved spending time with him and spent every moment I could getting to know him, via phone conversations, e-mail, and in person. Between the 2 of us, we had 5 children - he had custody of his 2 children and I was fighting for custody of mine. It wasn't long before we were serious and we even talked about getting married in the future. I was very excited because I had never felt for anyone what I felt for him. Just being with him was enough. Then more serious news...I got pregnant. Not something I planned at all, and I was scared to death. Somehow, he talked me into moving in with him - away from all my family & friends - so we could be together and build a wonderful life. In October of 2009 I moved 100 miles from my hometown and I took my 3 children with me. I began a new job and began taking care of the house and all 5 children. The kids started a new school or daycare and we basically started a new life. Needless to say, chaos ensued...more chaos than I could ever imagine. I was working, he was working...but then he started coming home and eating dinner & going straight to bed. I was worn out, trying to be superwoman...and he was not helping out at all. The chaos began to take its toll and began affecting our happiness and our relationship with each other. We would fight and argue, and it was the most horrific thing I had ever lived through. But we would talk it over, apologize, and move forward, telling ourselves that it was going to get better...that as long as we loved each other, nothing else mattered. In April of this year, we moved into a new house - much bigger with a full unfinished basement. I was 8 months pregnant at that time and didn't feel like doing a whole lot. I would do what I could around the house, including taking care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning...and I would work on my school work at night when the rest of the house was sleeping. I was still not getting much help from him and I was still working full-time. On May 4th, our baby boy was born...very healthy and very easy to care for. I did not go back to work at the end of maternity leave, mostly because I was responsible for 6 children and it was summer time. However, I believe my depression had gotten worse...so much stress and so many changes in such a short period of time were all beginning to catch up to me. The fighting and arguing was getting worse and it began to affect how the children were being treated (his kids by me and my kids by him). I wanted nothing more than to fix whatever was wrong with our relationship, that at one time had been so happy and fun, but I was powerless to do it on my own. Life took over, and the responsibility of so many kids and a bigger house and a stressful job began to take its toll on him. It seemed like I couldn't do anything right - the house wasn't sparkling clean all of the time, the kids were too loud, nothing was good enough. He even began telling me he hated me and that he wanted me out of his life when he got mad. But when he calmed down, he would apologize and tell me I didn't deserve it and that it was all of the stress causing him to be angry all of the time. He basically told me he wanted me to leave, so I finally decided that I had had enough & I packed what I could and left just last Saturday. I came back to my roots and I am currently staying at my dad's house. I do not want our relationship to be over and to fizzle because the stress is too much. I love him, and I want a life with him, but I cannot put up with the name-calling and all of the fighting anymore. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that my depression is much worse than I thought. I was probably more negative and reacted with more anger than I should have. Unfortunately it took walking away from the situation for me to realize that. I will do whatever I can to improve my own state of mind and figure out how to deal with stress in a positive manner. But I am very worried about us. I miss him and I want him to realize that life is not always fun or perfect...& that every relationship takes effort even when you don't feel like it. I feel so hopeless and broken right now and I want nothing more than for things to work out for us. As of right now, he is not speaking to me. It hurts and it is very hard to deal with, especially because I am alone and taking care of 4 kids. I don't know what to do, because all I feel like doing is crying. I am 100% committed to him. My life is in limbo, and I need some help. Any advice or suggestion would be appreciated.

Praying for a miracle

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 14:06:46 GMT

I am grateful that God has brought me to this site and it is through prayer and faith in Him that I hope to get encouragement to deal with the current situation of my marriage and what God's plan is for me.

About two years ago, my husband began an affair with a woman that he met at school. I was unaware of anything at first but after my husband began becoming distant and depressed, I realized that something had to be going on. I found him texting and calling a phone number that I did not recognize and after I came upon a text that I knew was from another woman, I confronted him and he came clean of everything. We began counseling immediately through our church and for about six months things seemed to be going okay. Until I realized that he was still communicating with this woman and seeing her. On top of this, I lost my job, we had to sell our house and downsize significantly, and then my husband also lost his job. The stress of the multiple life changes got to both him and I and after about 6 months from when we moved, he announced that we were seperating. I was not given any choice in the matter. I had just started a new job about a month earlier so the stress of this situation was making things very difficult for me at this new job. I came home from work and all of his clothes and personal belongings were gone. For three months he stayed gone and I was a mess. I could barely function at work and at home - plus I had two children I needed to take care of. He called me and told me that he wanted to come home and work things out which was what I wanted to do all along. Shortly after he moved back I realized that he had been living with this other woman the whole time and I told him that he either had to let her go completely or this was never going to work out. He said he had and that he wanted the marriage to work for us and our kids. He has been home three months and I wish I could say that things are better, but they are not. In the past two weeks he has become distant again and stays out every night till the morning. He says that he is not seeing her but come on?? He is actively looking for work and I am praying that God opens a door for him. I believe he is depressed and is struggling with not working and being able to take care of his family. But what am I supposed to do? Do I continue to let him take off every night like this and say nothing? I am trying to be patient but I am scared that this is the beginning of him getting ready to leave again. I pray constantly for the Lord to move in my husband and show him that he can achieve happiness through Him without running away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am lonely, sad, hurt, and scared. I just want my husband back. Please pray for me and my family as this has been difficult for our children as well.

Feeling hopeless

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 00:56:07 GMT

Ever had one of those days...weeks....where everything feels so out of control? We are struggeling financially but the thing is we make enough money to pay all our bills, but our mounted medical bills have us in a spot where we are considering banrupsy. I dont want to though. We have an appointment with a financial counselor next week, so Im hoping we can get these things under control. We arent rich by any means, but we make too much to qualify for any kind of assistance, but yet we struggle to actually pay our bills and have any left over.

Its to a point where school is starting next week and I dont know how we are going to buy our oldest daughter her school clothes. Not sure how we are going to pay for my son's after school care. Not sure how Im going to afford dog food. Gas in the cars, one car is acting up and we just had to dump $500 into it. We have enough food in the house to last until we get paid, just seems like everytime it lets up just enough to where I can breathe something else unexpected comes up and we are back under, not even floating, completly under wonbdering where our next dollar will come from and how we will survive incidentials until we get paid again.

Its so bad that if I didnt have God encouraging me Id end it. Im not suicidal, I just understand how people can get so hopeless they dont feel they can go on, they owe everybody, they feel like they are a failure as a parent and provider, I could go on and on. This is how I feel. Also, me and my husband have been together for 15 years and we are supposed to celebrate our 10 yr wedding anniversay this January, but we do nothing but fight.

We fought so bad last week he and I both cried. I just dont know what to do, how to get past this. Just feeling as hopeless as anyone could feel.

I tend to turn to the Christian music station when Im struggeling, seems I hear God best there, and He seems to meet me there, everytime. Over and over again I hear him telling me that he is with me, the battle is won, hang on, something great is just beyond the next hill. Its no mistake, he is talking straight to my heart, but I just cant seem to muster the faith to believe it....really believe it in my heart. I hear it with my ears, but I see nothing and my heart aches, my head hurts and its so hard to go to work and people see me as this happy beautiful person, but I feel like Im dying inside and my world is unraveling.

Has anyone ever felt that way? Simply put i just feel hopeless, alone, scared, fear, depression, anxiety. I just need encouragement. I guess i just needed to tell someone...anyone

Long term illness, grieving, and others

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:53:09 GMT

Hello and thanks for reading this post!

I am not sure this is the correct place to post so if it's not please let me know. My husband has been very ill since he was 2.5 years old. He has basically never had a normal life. We married when I was 25 and he was 29. We will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this fall. I married knowing he might not have a normal life expectancy and I might have to work and support him for the rest of my life. At this point he is partially in a wheelchair, dependent on oxygen most of the time, home on disability. He was just rejected for a lung transplant because his health is so poor he would not be able to withstand the surgery. People who are approved for a lung transplant have less than two years to live. I am not saying he will die within the next year or so, God is the one who holds the keys from life and death, just trying to explain the context here. There is a faint hope that he might be able to get better with a very expensive experimental treatment if I can find the resources and a way to transport him across the country (I don't think he can fly). Outside of that he will basically slowly suffocate to death. He is the most wonderful guy and we have had a fairy-tale marriage I think mostly because of the fact that we are faced daily with the awareness of life's frailty, constant pain, and never ending limitations. My problem sometimes is other people. I think that both my husband and myself with God's help have been able to face this to the best of our ability. What I try to do is just be honest with people when they ask about him without being negative and I try for them to see how in many ways this has transformed our lives for the better. Sometimes though when I say what really is going on with my husband people are not able to carry the fact the he is basically slowly dying and shy away from us because they don't know what to say. They don't know how to deal with grief. How do I handle this? This is our everyday life and it's hard to judge how people will react. What do I do when they start shutting down? I don't go around just telling everyone, this is people in church and work who I am friendly with. How do I handle people who are shying away from my husband? It is hurtful to him. Also how do I react to platitudes that people try to offer when I try to ask for advice like: you just need to trust God (no duh!), God knows what he is doing, etc. I know they mean well and they just don't know what to say but sometimes I feel like I come out of the conversation like a complete loser. There is a lot I need to bounce off of other people like what to do for the future, how to handle long term care, if he eventually should be vented, how I am going to financially manage this, family reactions, etc. etc. Sometimes I just need to talk about it in order for me to clear my head and sometimes finding the right person is hard.

thanks,

Lenka

Committed Husband...Unfaithful Wife...No Intimacy...HELP!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 07:29:05 GMT

I don't see very many situations like this! It's kinda discouraging.I've been the committed husband and father of our 4 children. I am very involved in church, a team leader of our local childrens' ministry, sing on the worship team, etc.My wife confessed to me a few months ago that she has been involved in an affair with a friend of the family FOR 8 YEARS! , and that our 4th was a result of the affair! I am devastated and heartsick every day. We are still "co-habitating," but there's not much of a "relationship." I believe that she has completely discontinued the relationship. I don't see any calls between the two of them on her cell phone, or on the Verizon statement. She says that she wants to stay and work on things. But she announced to me last night that she doesn't want to be intimate and doesn't think that she ever will be. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! She talks of how disgusted she is with herself and the whole thought of intimacy. She doesn't even want to give me a hug because she's afraid I will get aroused. It's like a kind of torture - a slow dripping torture to be sharing the same space and no intimacy. I didn't ask for this kind of arrangement. I didn't do anything to bring it on. And she agrees with that. I'm not really anxious to go back "out on the market," but the truth is, I'm a reasonably good looking 41 year old man and I'm NO WHERE NEAR the point of turning OFF my intimacy! I feel like I've made the whole home situation very easy for her, by not asking her to leave - or by not leaving, myself.To almost all of our friends and the outside world, we are just as normal as the day is long. But behind our closed doors, I'm dying inside.And I feel very alone! As I have scoured books and online resources, I can hardly find ANY resources for MEN in my situation. I'm beginning to believe that most men don't hang around what I've gone through. They LEAVE! Men are "fixers" and I guess most of them have found the "FIX" that I'm struggling with. But I DON'T want to lose my kids. I love them very much! And I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I wouldn't mind having the license to leave, but that prospect has it's unpleasant ramifications too - getting involved with another whole, new family, divided attentions, etc., etc. And truth be known, I don't have any prospects - mostly because, I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR ANY! I'VE BEEN FAITHFULLY AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY!!!I apologize for my ranting, but I'm very frustrated. Please Help if you can!

Consumed with Anger

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 18:59:44 GMT

Back in late June, I found out my wife was having an affair that lasted about 6-8 months. I posted my story here and received so much valuable help and advice from so many people going through similar events. So now it's been a little over a month since the affair ended (because I found out about it). My wife at the time told me she knew it was coming to an end anyway - her feelings were changing and she (as well as the other man) was feeling guilt and shame. She is clearly trying to reconcile with me. Not that she likes to talk about the whole situation, but she's willing to listen to me, and she answers what I ask. She treats me with respect and wants life to move forward. I have no reason to believe that she has had any contact whatsoever with the other man since it ended. I shared a couple of texts with him after this whole thing as well, and he clearly felt awful and swore nothing more would happen. I actually believe all of that - that they haven't so much as emailed each other. She has told me of the overwhelming guilt that she has - feeling that other people must know and that God abandoned her and that she won't be saved. So she clearly is struggling too, but she seems to put on such a good front.

So why, over the past two weeks or so, have I been utterly consumed with anger and hatred? I find myself thinking about what my wife did and cursing her under my breath - words that I never would have ever thought in relation to her. I hardly talk to her at home anymore. She tries to get close to me and I completely shut off. I feel compelled to get revenge by doing to her what she did to me. I've since posted personal ads on the internet, trying to see if I can make something happen. Sometimes I'll even think about women I see out and about, wondering if "that's the one" that I'll get my revenge with.

Clearly this is not healthy. I know that. I know what I'm thinking is wrong, and I know that nothing I do will undo what my wife did. In fact, pursuing any of this will only further destroy my marriage. We have three kids, so I clearly don't want us to split up (though I have, in anger, thought about kicking her out). But I just can't get past this stage of anger.

We spent the past weekend back with my family for a birthday party. Lots of extended relatives, etc. Several people were complimenting my wife on how great she looks, and they told me the same. As much as I agree with their comments, I couldn't stand to hear it. Over the past 6-9 months, she really did a great job of getting in great shape, but I associate all of it with her affair. In fact, I associate everything with it - even a simple song on the radio or comment by a coworker brings all the memories back and I just get thoughts of anger and revenge again.

These past several days have been tough. Just looking to vent this stuff, and if anyone has some advice on how to move on, I'd certainly be willing to listen.

Thanks.

- G

Thanks for Your Participation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:01:20 GMT

Our thanks to everyone who was able to participate in our event. It's our prayer that this was a step in the process of healing for you and that the advice shared by our counselors was helpful.

If you were not able to join us for the live event, we hope you'll take some time to read over the discussion threads and perhaps participate in some related conversations in the 'for men only' or 'for women only' areas of our Forum. Some added information on pornography addiction is available on our Pure Intimacy and TroubledWith.com Web sites.

A few resources that might be particularly helpful are the booklet Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity and the books False Intimacy, Love Must Be Tough, and Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus.

Also, if you would ever like to speak confidentially with a Focus on the Family counselor or would like a referral to a local counselor who specializes in sexual addictions, please do not hesitate to give us call. We're here for you ~ and we care.

Now what?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 20:18:54 GMT

First I found the cell phone bill, then the phone records; both showed over 22 hours a week combined communication with another woman.

Most was while I was sleeping(between 1:30am -5am) and the rest while I was working. When I asked him what was going on, the response was so explosive that I looked closer. Then I saw a new email address(on the cell phone bill)he had received pictures from this woman and then sent them to this email. The address used a nickname of his.

Until this time I have never "snooped". I checked this new email-he only uses 2 passwords for everything. I felt ill after seeing what was there.

She had sent him pictures of herself in bed, in the shower, in her car, etc..and many references of phone sex. Saved text threads. There were many sexually explicate dialogue to and from. There were put downs of myself and jokes about me. And finally he called her his Beloved and Betrothed-she replied your Bride to Be. This a woman he met in a Christian Online Group. They repeatedly refer to their relationship as a "gift from God" and that"they will be together in God's timing"

When I confronted him he vehemently declared "she is nothing more than a sister to me!!"

Since May we have been in counseling. He still communicates with her on Facebook-and her underage children as well. He still uses "sis" when he communicates with her on the Online Group they are still part of.

He uses the phrase"give up everything I have and have nothing left" when I ask for these to stop. He stopped the calls and texts. However a new email showed up on the bills very shortly after.

I was looking at the lifeskillsintl.org web site and I am concerned. He displays 26 of the 41 characteristics of a misogynist. And on the power wheel thirteen of the terms apply to our relationship. He is very calm and cool in counseling, but that is not the case on the way there or after.

Any suggestions would be helpful. We can't afford the full price of counseling so we are seeing an intern. She seems to buy the calm "nice guy" image he portrays there. So now what?

Feeling Lost

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:05:06 GMT

I have a very long story, and I am not always good at getting to the point. I will do my best. I grew up witnessing abuse in many forms, and it was clear to me very early in childhood that I must take care of myself, there was no one else who would do it. While I was single it was okay to make mistakes and learn from them. Seven years ago I met a man, we started a relationship and I came up pregnant. I knew he was recovering from an addiction to alcohol in the beginning. We separated before I found out I was pregnant, and I had moved in with my mother and step father. Once we found out my mother was convinced that he was the one for me to spend the rest of my life with, we found him, he moved in and got a job. I was about 6 months pregnant and he got drunk. I told him I did not like him like this and I wanted him to just go to bed and sleep it off. He wanted to drive into town for a second twelve pack. One thing led to another and he threw me across the room. I told him to get out and not to look back. I have not seen him since.

I tried going to a few churches but I was looked down on because I was a single mom. One even told me that I was not the typical type of person they wanted to see come through their doors. Four years ago I got a work promotion and moved my son and I out of the city to a much smaller town. The first week in town my son noticed a church two blocks from our home with a large prominate sign out front, at 3 years old he asked me what it said. I replied "they are having a community dinner on Thursday evening" He asked if we could go. We did and I found a church home that loved, and accepted us for who we were. My son then started talking about dads and why he did not have one. I prayed to God about how to answer such questions. A few months later I met a man through a mutual friend. He was a long haul truck driverso our dating time was done mostly over the phone. After 4 months as winter was coming on he got a trip that brought him close about 30 miles from our home. I asked him what he thought of meeting my son. He agreed to me driving to the truck stop and he would buy our dinner. They were instant friends. My son asked me on the way home if he could call this person dad. I said "No he is not your dad and right now that is not appropriate" The following Febuary when we moved in together I said when we get married you can call him dad. We were married that June. We have also had another beautiful little girl, and he has adopted my son.

My question is now that I am married and have this life I am a stay at home mom. I still after 3 years do not feel comfortable asking my husband for money or for anything. How do I get beyond that? We have tried counseling and that was a disaster. I like being home I jsut want to provide for my own needs. Is that allowed as a stay at home mom?

Painful Intercourse -- Vaginismus?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:35:13 GMT

Hi All,

I'm so happy I found this forum. I really need advice from christian and Godly women.

I'm a newly wed who's been married for about a year and a half now. I had been waiting to have sex once I get married, so I've never had sex before marriage. On our honeymoon, my husband and I had sex for the first time. I had SO much pain that first night, but I thought it was normal for things to be painful initially. The second, third, and fourth time were just as painful. When we came back from our honeymoon, a week later, we tried again, and it hurt me so much. Since then, we've had intercourse a handful of time, and while the pain is becoming bearable (I embrace myself for it), it has become a huge toll on me.

My husband, who is very sweet and patient, never complained once. But now he doesn't initiate intimacy anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me. In the past, I used to use my hand to arouse and release him, but everytime I did that, it made me feel like such a failure and that we're settling for the short cut. My husband has spent many minutes, sometimes up to 45 minutes, trying to arouse me before intercourse (mind you the first time ever I said i was ready a couple of minutes into it without getting aroused). But I never feel aroused or stimulated no matter how long. He asks me to let him know when i'm ready, but when I say "i'm ready", it's not because I'm stimulated, but because I'm fed up with waiting and want to give him release.

This has also affected his libido. He used to have a STRONG one before marriage. But about 6 months ago, he went to a doctor to check his penis and genitals to ensure that there is nothing wrong with him. The doctor perscribed him some pills (viagra like), and he used them once. They affected his mood so negatively that we both hated them. I truely believe his low libido has everything to do with my condition.

Before marriage, when we used to lay on the couch and make out, I used to get so stimulated that I needed to jump off the couch so to not lose control. I got on the pill right before we got married, and blamed it for my low libido. But now I've been off the pill for 3 months and my libido hasn't returned. I think it's because of the pain anticipated?

I have researched my situation a lot and found that some women have a condition called Vaginismus. It's when the wals of the vegina tighten so much that anyting inserted hurts. One of the symptoms is feeling as if the penis is hitting a wall. And that's exactly how I feel. I hate it! Has any of you heard about it? Did any of you go through the treatment? Apparently the treatment has a huge success rate.

Any thoughts or ideas or advice would really help me. We want to have kids so bad, but I don't even want to go get prenatal vitmanis cause it remindes me that there will be intercourse involved. I don't even want to groom myself down there cause it would be one step closer to intercourse. Urgghhh what do it do?

Thank you for ALL your help

where do i find hope amongst such devastation.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:49:45 GMT

hi everyone,

i'm new to this site and this is my very first post in a blog that i thought i would never do, although what brought me here is in fact out of anguish and wits end. I have read numerous testimonies and struggles and found this place to be safe for me to vent. where do i begin? my wife and i have been married over a year now. our dating was awesome and full of life and zeal for the Lord. we then got married and i will always have that as the best day of my life. the first 3 months were okay. having to adjust to married life was difficult as i was so used to doing things on my own as well as my wife. after 3 months, however, things took a turn for the worst. my wife started going into a depression and began to act upon it. it would take hours to calm her down as she would get very destructive. this would go on for the next 9 months out the year we had been married. it was then that she dropped a bombshell: she had married me for the wrong reasons and only married me for convienance and that she never loved me which what triggered her depression and guilt as she did not have an outlet, though she had been in prayer about. i was devastated. while we had been dating, she was in school and working but was force to quit due to school. this almost made her homeless. this is when i stepped in as a then boyfriend and payed for her bills, brought her food and kept her gas tank full for her car. everytime she felt like quiting school i was there to give her that push. she graduated as an LPN and was there to celebrate. and for that reason is why she married me, or so she says. over time her behavior got worse and worse and escalated to her verbely, emotionally and physically abusing me to the point i had to physically defend myself. she even try to burn me with an extention lighter. eventhough all this was going on, my heart bleeding on the way and taking in so much damage from her, i still trusted God and continued to pray that He would restore our marriage and help her to love me for me, not what i can do. please do not get the wrong idea of her. she is the most sweetest, loving caring person i could ever want. during our dating she brought out my best. this behavior was never present before our marriage. but now its like a married two people one who is sweet and the other a monster. still, i tried to retain hope despite the attacks. than just recently, any hope i once had has been completely destroyed. we had another argument where i was pleading with her to tell me what is really wrong. still the same answer that she never loved me from the begining. than she said that she was going to commit adultery so that i may divorce her! for awhile she had been wanting divorce but i had always refused out of hope that she can be won. that night she goes out with some friends and i get a call late that she is drunk out of her mind. i had asked her friend how much had she had to drink and said only one but she was acting like she had 20! i took her home and due to her constant vomiting i couldnt risk her drowing in her vomit so i took her to the hospital. Turns out she had two full glasses of parrot bay which has a alcohol content of 20%. this is something you drink out of a shot glass. and this was her first hard drink. I took her home nursed her back to health and never once left her side. then she told me that she had commited physical infidelity. she set out to do what she wanted to do. she did not have full blown sex but ended up vomiting on the guy before it got to that point but she did have sexual interactions with him. she said had it not been from the drinking she would have had sex. It is one thing to be hurt by emotional and physical trauma, but that pain is nothing compared what she just told me, to see my very dreams crumble before my very eyes is a devastation that i cannot even begin to describe. she felt so bad for what she did, knowing that not only did she hurt me but commited sexual immorality against God. I no longer believe her when she says she is sorry, as she has said it one too many times. i have been sleeping on the couch for the past few days, now contemplating separation. we had gone to counseling before all this. we had agreed to due 6 months of counseling to see if that would help but after the first session all hell broke loose which led up to this. i have become a shell of what i used to be and completely broken. I have lost my zeal for life. I still love her very much, couldnt imagine life without her. but i don't know if i can look past her infidelty let alone forgive her, eventhough i told her i did but only realizing now that i truly havent. and to add insult to injury, our anniversary is coming up in a week. if anyone has gone through this please pray for us. pray that God can restore it and help me learn to forgive her because i am barely holding it together inside.

Your fellow warrior in Christ

In need of help and Prayer ~ Husband left

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 21:38:00 GMT

I have been married 16 years, got married right out of college, have two children (14 & 12). We have had our ups and downs probably more than the average couple, but the short versio is, I've had an "emotional affair" with another man. My husband has known about this friendship and doesn't like it, but I continued this friendship for selfish reasons. My husband doesn't pay much attention to me, is involved in AA, work, gym, etc... so that doesn't leave much time to work on our marriage. The friendship I've had is limited, but needless to say, still there. On Saturday, my husband told me he was leaving and he packed up some things and left. This was somethig he had set up already, not spur of the moment. I feel very sad and wish I did many things different, Im also feelng foolsh for giving him all the chances I did. We were separated for about 3.5 years due to his drinking problem, and I had filed for divorce, then put it on hold and very slowly let him back into the home. I gave him several chances to work things out, and thought we were finally going to get it right. I should mention, that my friendship started when I was separated and my husband was not living home. When I decided to give my husband another chance, I stopped the friendhip, but that didn't last for long, when I found my husband having a friendship with another woman, I felt entitled that I could have a friendship too. Nonetheless, I am where I am now, and praying, but feel lost and don'tknow what I can do at this point to try to work this out rather than divorce. I don't know if this is going to turn around, or what I can do other than pray, to help either move on or get my marriage back on track.

I'm at a total loss right now. Don't know what to do, which way to turn except prayer. My husband won't talk to me, communicate in any way, etc.... Please, any advice would be welcome.

I cheated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 02:20:13 GMT

I grew up in Christian family, I am not sure where/when I slipped the first time, but many times I had serious ups and downs in my spiritual life. I had many sexual partners, and now looking back all that seems like multiple loops of falling in sin, repenting, coming back, trying to change, and falling again. At some point it started to feel like a sexual addiction. Every time I did it for while to fill the emptiness, but then I couldn’t take it any more, I felt bad, got out of it, repent, didn’t want to do it again, felt fresh and clean, but in little while I did the same thing over again. I never had counseling on this, always thought I could deal with it at my own, but this time I know I am in trouble, and I probably wont able to get out of it by my self. I regularly attend church, participate in some activities, trying to be a real Christian, and the thing is that I would imagine living life for God, marrying someone who would be Christian also. I was in a relationship with a woman for about 9 months, as we both are Christians we tried to do keep it Biblical way (as best as we understood). I have to say that while we were dating we succeed to keep it pure and innocent, we never had sex. I really wanted this relationship to work, and really hoped that we could get married some day. But the problem is that at some point I did again. I cheated on her with another woman. I don’t want to explain why I did that, because it going to sound more like excuses, the point is that I am guilty. I felt it right away, I repent before God, and two weeks later I told my girlfriend about what happened. I had to be honest, I didn’t believe she would want to stay with me after this, but in my heart I really hoped that she could forgive me. I understand she has nothing practically to loose, she has probably made her final choice by now, but I don’t know that for sure. She told me not to call her or write her anymore, so we are apart now. I have feelings for her, and I know she deserve much better than what I have been to her. I feel vefy bad but I don’t want to talk about feelings. I know I could get over all this and move on, and maybe find another one, but the problem is that I don’t think any relationship would work with the package I have in my mind. I feel I am not free from sin, and I think devil uses his levers (that I allowed him to have) to always screwed up my relationships. I have this problems, and if I don’t change there is no point for me to beg her for forgiveness, or try to start another relationship, because I don’t see how its going to work. Please pray for me, I need advice, and if you can lead me to reading material that you think would be helpful, Id appreciate it.

Thanks.

Newly married and in trouble; help?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 23:52:12 GMT

Ok lets start with a little background (this could get long, I hope you still read and give advice; I need it!). I'm 29 and have been married almost 1 month. I (Andy) grew up in a Christian home with great parents who used a lot of Focus' material in raising us kids; I'm the oldest of 3. I accepted the Lord at a young age and take my faith seriously. Since moving out of the house at 18 I have been independent and successful. My relationship with my parents got a lot stronger once I moved out and have developed a closeness that few people have. I feel as though I can talk to them about anything and get good advice. My work has kept me super busy and left little time for relationships. When in the country I would talk to my family everyday or every couple days. Sometimes about nothing or just tips about how to cook a dish or what not. I battled a few periods of loneliness where I receive encouragement from my parents about trusting God to provide. With busy schedule I found my wife (Michelle) through online dating. We dated 1 year before getting engaged and were engaged for 9 months before getting married this past July.

Our dating was pretty easy, a few scuffs here and there but nothing horrible. The roughest part was understanding why Michelle had trouble with me keeping in touch with my family so much. It took me a while (enter scuffs here) but I understood that I wasn't making her feel respected when she was around. Michelle (girlfriend, at the time) would say hi to them when they'd call me and do other easy little things. We did a visit home to meet each other's families before I left for 2 1/2 months. My family was visited first and was paired up with my brother's high school graduation. Mom hosted a party for him that my sis & I said she should have even though she didn't really want to (strained relationship between them). Michelle & I helped with the party and visited a couple more days then went to her family's to visit. While at my parents house she felt like an outsider and was just a little uncomfortable; my mom even snapped at her. Nonetheless, Michelle was gracious for the visit and gave my parents a thank you gift & card. Our time at her family's was fun and inviting for both of us. No pressure, just enjoyable; even when her grandma was in the hospital. When I was gone overseas she sent them a couple notes, a fun CD, and a phone call or two. When I got back we got engaged. My family expressed concern about how quick we were but I knew I was in love with her.

Right after we got engaged my family flew out (we live in WA they live in WI) for a 3 day visit. I was gone until the night before they got in and Michelle came down to the house to clean and shop for their visit. I have 3 bedrooms (2 beds) in the house so I gave my parents my room, Michelle the second, and I the floor in the third. The weekend was awkward and stressful (for Michelle & was used to the behavior). We got to hear about how my siblings weren't in the right relationships and what they should be doing. (At the time we were encouraging my sister to move to WA near me and leave the guy she dated for 7 years). Michelle was taken back by how much they talked about everything going on with everyone else. I felt it was just part of being in a close family. Then when Michelle's opinion wasn't received well while dress shopping for my mom to wear to our wedding; Michelle was a little bothered and felt like my mom was rude b/c we had taken time to kindly help her. Michelle and I then had a little verbal discussion about suits for me and the groomsmen, no yelling just some firm discussing near my parents. That next day my mom thought she would offer Michelle some "advice" about handling disagreements in public. This didn't go over well, considering mom snapped at Michelle back home in front of people.

Fast forward a couple months and Michelle and I are still dealing with what happened and what kind of behavior was appropriate. She saw them as controlling and manipulative. Trying to make this better I talked to my parents about why they were treating us weird. In some counseling it was quickly identified that I was very attached to my family and this concerned Michelle b/c I wasn't putting her first. I talked to them a little about how things needed to change, that didn't go well. They felt they were right b/c as a close family to take care of eachother.

After this conversation, my mom called Michelle directly (never happened before) to apologize for making her feel uncomfortable during both visits. Michelle wants to discuss why she felt that way but that is poorly received. From here my parents begin a 4 month process of bringing up everything that concerns them about my relationship w/ Michelle and why this isn't right. They question everything about her including her upbringing, relationship w/ the Lord, job, and a friendship that fell apart. They used Bible verses, crying, questioning, etc during these discussions. They say the choice is mine but then don't listen to my choice. I even got a letter explaining how much I've changed and am not the strong Christian man that I was, wanting to know if we having sex, telling me that Michelle was evil, she was destroying our family, and that it wasn't too late to come back "home" to them. From that I had a hard conversation where I explained how I loved them, try to honor them, but gave my decision to marry Michelle was mine and they had to back off. They were angry and retaliated a few selfish & controlling ways that pushed me farther away from them. But after a few weeks I talked to them and wanted to make things better. They still had questions, but not about why we were getting married, rather why Michelle didn't want to talk with them.

Their behavior has basically continued in one form or another. Demanding to come out and visit and just wait at the airport to see us so they could apologize and tell Michelle how much they wanted to have a relationship with her. Crying about how this was destroying and embarrassing our family. The sleepless nights and agony mom my was in and how it had my dad lost and confused how to handle everything. All because they felt like they were losing me not gaining a daughter-in-law. They even threatened to not come to the wedding. They claim to not be controlling nor wanting to tell us how to live our life; they just want to have a relationship with us.

My struggle was the fact that I didn't feel that Michelle gave them a chance by to really get to know them, and to address the problems like adults; not talking to them hasn't solved anything. Initially she was hurt by how she was treated but that changed into hurt for what they were saying about her and treating me. They just keep saying they just want to have a relationship with us and why won't Michelle forgive them and have a conversation with them? Michelle just didn't want to get involved in the craziness. During this time we saw not only our pre-marital counselor but also a M&F counselor who said that Michelle had identified controlling behavior correctly and that getting involved wouldn't solve anything. I needed to stop the behavior before Michelle could safely get involved. I tried...

We got married and they did attend. Michelle and I were stressed and busy but enjoyed the wedding and reveived wonderful feedback about how great the little things we did make it feel so special to so many people. We cut out parts of the wedding we wanted b/c we thought it might embarrass or make my parents unconfortable so we didn't make them do it. But we did try to still make everything God honoring, special to our family & friends, and a lot of fun. There were moments when I looked like they were having fun but for the most part they were miserable and people noticed.

Days later my great-grandfather passed away (I went home a couple weeks earlier to see him) as Michelle & I were about to go on our honeymoon & my parents were on a cruise with some of the extended family. I got a quick text message about the death, I offered to help anyone while I was still around but no one asked for anything. We returned from the honeymoon and tried to find out more about the funeral & cruise. My parents & sister didn't answer my calls for 2 weeks and when I did get ahold of my mom one night it was like pulling teeth to hold a conversation. I wanted to get information about the funeral but she wouldn't say anything. All I got from the cruise was that it was fun and great to have family around to be supportive (death or my wedding? I don't know). None of my phone calls were returned so I think they are trying the silent treatment on us. Michelle and I don't understand why leading up to the wedding, at the wedding, and right afterwards (oh we're moving to HI in a week) why they can't be supportive of us and understand that right now we have a lot going on and the extra time might need to be used to establishing a good marriage.

So here Michelle and I are: she views this move as a God given oportunity to step away from my family and the crazy behavior that is going on and start new with our lives. I don't understand how she is just ok with stepping way from family when they really just want to have a relationship with them. She feels that I am never going to be willing to put her first and make us a priority b/c I'm too worried about my mom. I think I could if Michelle and I tried something different (like have a conversation with them) and see if the relationship improves; if not then "break away" for a while. Nonetheless we don't see eye to eye on it and we fight constantly about it.

Is it time for me to "break away" from my family b/c of their behavior?

What does that look like; do I call and make it a formal thing or just not try to keep the relationship going by calling them?

How long should this last?

Is there any hope in having a real relationship with them anymore (I have such wonderful & positive memories growing up & the last few years)?

Will me "being a man" and putting my wife first really turn Michelle's impression of me completely around and our relationship get back on track?

I agree that if this was happening with a friend I wouldn't really tolerate it and we'd move on; is this being family grounds for holding on longer?

Please help!

Says he won't compliment me b/c it leads to sinful thoughts. Reasonable?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:32:05 GMT

I am dating and soon to be engaged to a wonderful Christian man. I know he loves God and seeks to follow Him, and I know he loves me too. But he really struggles with sinful thoughts re. us having sex. Which I find incredibly flattering, I have to admit! But he never really compliments me or is very expressive about his feelings for me, and that bothers me. I've told him a few times that I really wish he'd compliment me more, or at the very least send me cutesy cards or a quick note here and there. I really don't think I'm asking for much. But he says he tries not to think about how I look because it leads him to impure thoughts. Also, there are times we're together when he acts really distant. This has happened a few times, and he's told me later that he was deliberately doing that because he felt the impulse to kiss me/etc. So he was trying to keep some space to protect me. But from my perspective, during these times, it looks to me like he doesn't want to be with me--like he's having a terrible time!

I believe wholeheartedly that he's telling the truth here. And I've seen it in other ways. And I have no doubt that he loves me, and I know he wants to keep our relationship pure. I personally think he's swung to this extreme because he did have sex before he became a Christian, and he doesn't want to be tempted. We have strict physical boundaries; we only hold hands, and sometimes he puts his arm around me. We never kiss or hug, and we're never alone in either of our homes.

Is it unreasonable for me to need more validation from him? To know that he finds me beautiful? He tells me he loves me all the time. Am I jsut being selfish? Also, I am really tired of going out with him and feeling like he'd rather be anywhere else except for me! I know he's struggling with temptation during those times. And not all dates are like this. But am I justified in feeling really frustrated during these times?

Thank you so much for reading this! Any input would be sooooo appreciated.

New Wife with Depression Wants a Godly Marriage HELP!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:21:54 GMT

I am a new wife only married a year and a half and I suffer with Major Depression. I am currently on medication for it and it is starting to help but it is still hard. I feel sometimes so disconnected I think it might be straining my marriage. I have talked to my husband and he stated he is not going anywhere he signed on for Forever and he wants to help but I dont know how to get him to help. We have no children, we do own a house and we both work full time jobs. I currently work two jobs and my husbands 1st job is practiclly two. I need suggestions on what to do, I want my marriage to be a godly marriage. My husband has been a christian all his life I came to the lord in 2006 and am still learning. We used to go to the park by the water and hang out but it has now turned into something bad and discusting so we dont go there anymore. I need suggestions as to what we can do, and what anyone else who has suffered with depression does to help get their spirts up. When i am at home all I want to do is sleep, get on the computer, or clean the house --All things i can do alone. I have no idea why but I am working on it. Any suggestions will be HELPFUL!

Thank you

SmRobinson85

Husband may have Aspergers? Relational problems

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 11:58:39 GMT

After decades of marriage struggles, I have come to the realization that my husband may have problems with Aspergers or something in a mild form. He has always been very intellectual but relates to people on mostly a topical level (usually little known facts about foreign places). People have said how smart he is, and it is true. He stores information on the topics he enjoys and can tell you things that most people don't know about those subjects. It's pretty amazing. In the early years of our marriage, I noted some unusual things but I was busy with raising children and didn't have time to pay attention during the journey. He has never been very attentive or connect very often on an emotional level. Because of his unusual way of looking at life he was made fun of by kids when he was young. Even his family treated him as "stupid", his mother tried to help by telling him everything he should do (control). His brothers mocked him. These things have crippled him emotionally and I did not realize them until after we were married.

He is not a "bad" man, although, because of emotional/verbal abuse by his father, he too has done some of the same within our family. I too came from a verbal/emotionally abusive family...and the scars that go with it. For the first decade of our marriage I tried everything to connect, but he just stayed in his own little world most of the time. I finally asked if we could go to counseling...he didn't understand what was wrong since he was having a great time in our marriage (thanks to me). Since then, we have gotten counsel by pastors, friends and each went to a counselor on our own but nothing has helped. Our children are all almost grown and I am sad. I feel that I will be (emotionally) alone until I die. I feel that God has let me down since I believed and walked in faith that He had directed us to marry (He even providentially verified that....through an extraordinary circumstance and through counsel of pastors). We have not been emotionally connected very much because he doesn't know how. He is has only in the last couple years begun to connect to our grown children. There are plenty of wounds from the past (on both sides). Our intimacy level is near non-existent because it feels like getting close to a stranger. We are not enemies but not connected like a husband and wife should be...at best we are friends. He often feels that I am picking on him, because of his past. From the beginning I thought we were on the same team only to find out that he felt I was in competition with him..that he thought of me as an "enemy" of sorts...whenever I offered advice. Things like "your hair is messed up a little" or comments that to others would be nothing, to him were an attack on his person. Over time I learned that there were certain things I couldn't mention without getting into an argument and I almost always be the one in the end that bore all the blame. This caused me to retreat into myself...and depression.

I became aware of my own issues of co-dependence through counseling. I tried to work on things but didn't seem to be making as much progress as I would have liked and seemed to come to a standstill at one point. That to say, I have tried and tried and tried to improve our marriage. I am the one that has wanted counseling, I am the one that suggested we go to marriage seminars, I am the one who asks if we could pray together (he doesn't like to very much and would get frustrated at me for asking a lot of times.) I am the one who read the books, listened to messages, prayed and prayed....etc. His response at best was to acquiesce, at worst would be an anger and an argument. At one marriage seminar you were supposed to reaffirm your vows to one another...I wept because I felt that it was like proclaiming a prison sentence over my life...I felt trapped. All the problems of our marriage have been "my problems" in his eyes.

Our children have noted the unusual things he does as well and would comment about them. I don't know how to explain to them his struggle to help them understand, but they are embarrassed at times (as am I) because some of the things he does are unusual.

I am worried that I can't take it any more. I have been so disappointed in the situation, in my husband, in myself and in God. I feel like I have been abandoned and am struggling with discouragement and depression. I have read about aspergers and think my husband may have that. He would never go to find out because that would be another "smack" against his pride.

I don't know how to live in this situation any more. I don't want to divorce but the thought of living such a lonely life is sometimes more than I can bear. I think of our children and that has kept me from just leaving...but they are almost all grown now...and instead of having a vision of "a future and a hope" I have fears about what it might look like.

I was wondering if anyone out there knew of a resource that could help me. Is there information on how to deal (communicate) with a spouse with Aspergers? We cannot afford much counseling...the one counselor we went to said we should go to marriage counseling but my husband wouldn't pursue it because of the cost.

I just don't know what to do now..it seems all my options are cut off.

Thanks for any prayerful thoughts/ideas for us.

My Wife Doesn't Want to Be married Anymore

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:30:09 GMT

I never thought in a million years i would be doing this, writing in to seek help with my marriage. But i honestly have no one else i can go to that my wife feels would be "telling everyone about our issues".

To give some background and make this story the least biased as i can, my wife and i have been married almost 2 months, 55 days to be exact. We had a great dating relationship, with all the normal bumps one would expect. As far as I know, and we have talked about this, we are both saved and have personal relationships with Jesus Christ. We dated for about a year and a half before getting married. We both felt that the Lord we leading us and that getting married was His will for our lives. We had also abstained from sex until we married. Also while we were dating i had been struggling with pornography. The Lord has taken that addiction from me before we had gotten married. But i still struggle with lust. I know that my past has hurt her emotionally and with her insecurity and with her self esteem; im not proud of it.

Anyway, these first two months have been rough. Our honeymoon was great, i thought. Until we got home and the real issues began to surface. During our honeymoon we had dealt with having sex for the first time, together. She was a virgin and i wasn't. I hadn't had sex for about 3 years before we met. But either way, this had side effects on the sex life. There was also a lot that i didn't now know, for example, loving my wife and not just using her,then going to watch TV. It wasn't that drastic. However, you could say that i wasn't the most sensitive and understanding of my wife's feelings. The sex was good, but i was making her feel insecure and unloved because she needed to feel emotionally connected, and i just didn't know how. So when we got home we dealt with it. It was hard for me. I didn't want to hear that i wasn't doing a good job, because as men we like to feel successful. We began reading this book, "Intended for Pleasure" It is a Christian Authored and Published book. IT was a great book. and i learned a lot. we both wish that we had read it before the honeymoon.

That seemed like issue number one. The next thing i guess was that we just started to argue and fight more. Just about nothing sometimes. It happens right? Well, when we fought and argued, it just seemed to go downhill. I would get angry for not being heard and understood and my wife would feel hurt for me initially saying or doing something that got us talking in the first place. When we would drag the issue on and feel like it was getting unresolved, she would start to cry and get discouraged. I mean, really discouraged. Saying things like i have no hope, we always fight, i feel unloved, etc. So we had one of these "meltdowns" once every 2-3 weeks or so after we got married. I would spend the night trying to comfort and encourage her, but the next day i would finally be able to feel the effects of the hurtful things she said to me. I realize we both say hurtful things so each other when we fight. And i would say things like you interrupt me, and i tend to get loud and raise my voice and get angry. which hurt her more. Our argument styles are opposite. I tend to talk and want to get things resolved, she tends to withdraw and be quite. we have talked about this many times. And each time we fight, it gets worse, she gets more discouraged and i feel more and more like im being a terrible husband because all of these feelings she has it because of me. She says she doesn't feel loved be me, she says she doesn't want to be married, not to me, but just married in general. She has just lost hope. and i try to comfort her and tell her its alright but then the next day, i feel like garbage because of all the things she said.

The other day we were having a talk and an issue came up about what she wears. I felt like she doesn't want to try to look good for me. She got upset. I understand that men should never tell their wives that " i think you should wear that, or i think you would like pretty if you had that outfit." big mistake i know I just didn't know how to tell her that i felt like she doesn't dress up for me. i felt like she dressed up and "cared" about what she looked like when she went to school or work. and when i came come from work, she just didn't care. That lead to her feeling like i didn't think she was attractive, more insecurity and more separation from closeness. I made a mistake. I feel like i keep making these mistakes that push her farther away.

I am not your average guy. I tend to be open and i like to talk things out. I have asked God to give me more patience. I know i have not been the best husband in terms of what the bible calls acceptable. but im trying to love and honor my wife how Christ loved the church and its hard! Overall i dont think its hard, but in times when we disagree on something or have to decide on something, there is a lacking of understanding from her part to see what i meant when i said something. dont want this to sound like it is all my wife's fault. She has even admitted to me that a lot of this is her fault and that gets her down like i mentioned before. and it is getting harder and harder to pull her up out of this despair.

wow i know i have been rambling, but i wanted to give some sort of reference as to where i am coming from. and why things are the way they are. I honestly feel that she has major trust and security issues that i cannot fix. iknow its not my job to fix but i dont know what else to do. she sobbed for an hour last night and it brakes my heart. when she said i dont want to married. my heart sank. i thought, " is this it"? it hasn't even been two months! she told me she loves me and that she wants to be married to me. but she is unhappy. she says she misses being single, she misses being able to do things and having freedom. listen, i am not a demanding husband. i dont pressure her i dont force anything on her. when i am firm i feel bad because she gets upset or she doesn't submit. she even told me she doesn't want to submit and that its something Gods working on in her. Almost every night this week has ended in tears for her and i dont know what else to say or do. I am trusting her to God and am praying for her like ive never prayed for her before. I know im not perfect and she deserves more from me. She even told me that she wasn't going to tell me this. How can someone not tell thier husband " i dont want to be married". please help! what can i do to help my wife?

Unable to meet her expectations

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 04:57:38 GMT

can someone please tell me what the role of a husband is in the area of meeting sexual needs and emotional needs as well.

Trust Issues and him hitting me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:53:31 GMT

Hey yall! As yall know from my previous post (Re: Should I just leave him alone?I need help He is still doin it!! Please help me!! I don't know what to do!!Re: Helpless and confused..... He is still doin it!!!) my husband had been chatting online with other women behind my back. Well i confronted him again an he has promised me he would stop for me because he saw what he was doin to me an how it was affecting our marriage. As far as i know he has never broke a promise to me an I believe him that he is gonna stop but i still don't trust him when it comes to him being online. I know i can't watch over his shoulder an make sure he doesnt do it i can just hope and pray that he is gonna do what he said he'd do.

I want to trust him again so bad. I am miserable like this. I know in my heart he would never cheat on me physically but the whole chat room internet scares me. I still dont have the password to his e-mail account but honestly i dont want it cause i KNOW if i had it i would check up on him. I still have not checked his cell in about 3 months and I have not checked jango.com in about 2 weeks and I dont want to. I still get the urge to check but when the urge hits I get up and walk away from my computer.I truly believe that I have too much free time on my hands. Ya know I run our outdoors store during the day and here lately we have been super slow so I have more time online. And I think the devil is having a field day with my mind. He keeps planting those little seeds of doubt and that makes me wanna look. I hate being like this and I know he doesnt like me not trusting him but its his fault. Last week i signed up for online banking for our checking account amd when i checked it there were 3 transactions on his debit card to a WFI ifriends so I called them and it was some kinda webcam site (he told me he wasnt using the webcam) and there was another transaction for invova.com and it was a site for adult(Porn) webcam sites. The charges totaled around $60.00. But all charges were before we talked and he promised he would stop. Well I confronted him and he claims they weren't his. That someone must have got ahold of his card. I dont believe him but since it was all before I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it. I just hope he realizes this is the 3 time something he has done behind my back has came out without me even checking up on him. I just dropped it and I'm not goin to bring it back up. I closed both accounts and neither one can be reopened using his debit card number or his e-mail address.

But back to the reason I am writing this... I need advise on how I can relearn to trust my husband. I want to be able to leave our store and not worry about who he is talking to, I want him to be able to go off working and me not wonder if he has access to a computer so he can get on there an talk to them. I want to trust my husband like I use to 5 months ago. We haven't even been married 2 years yet and we have been through so much! Its hard to deal with sometimes. But its like my pastor said sunday morning in his message, The Lord is not gonna give me more than i can handle. Even when I feel like it hopeless and I dont know what to do, the Lord already knows whats goin to happen. An the reason the Lord lets us go through these trials and tribulatons is because He has a plan for us and our lives. He is shapping us into the people we are suppose to be. He is making us stronger. Its just so easy to feel so helpless and just want to give up. An I know He has something planned for me and my husband and maybe all thats happened is to make us stronger and make our bond stronger so we can get through anything. I dont know. I just need to learn to trust.

I have wanted so much this past week to start trying to have a baby. The feelin just came out of nowhere. But I dont want to take that step until I know I can trust him. I dont know how long that will take but I know I have to or I am just goin to be miserable. Please pray for me that I can trust him again.

Is it wrong to have the motto that we love hard and fight hard? We fight really hard. It doesnt always get out of control but this past tuesday it did. We were just talkin about me not cuttin my hair short again.(its really curly and he likes it better longer and I dont) And I was trying to explain to him why i didnt want to let it grow out but since he didnt want me to i wasnt gonna do it an he took it as me being a smart mouth an he flew off the handle. He slapped me 3 times across the face, hit me on the top of my head i dont know how many times and pushed me onto our counch because i was following him into the bedroom. I have a bruise on my hip, arm an I still have a red mark on my face. Makeup covers it a little but not completely. An i forgave him. I know its wrong an he has apologized so many times and promises it wont happen again. I dont know what to do tho. Like i said earlier i wanna baby but i know this is another reason we need to wait. But I wonder if maybe it will calm him down alittle.. I don't know. Please pray for both of us tho, that we will work out all our problems and learn from all thats happened and have a happy love-filled marraige.

This is a hard one

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 14 May 2010 15:16:10 GMT

First I want to say how blessed I am by God providing me with a husband after walking and waiting on the Lord for 25 years when I surrendered marriage up as a new Christian. I like to get to the point so here it goes...we have been married for 10 months and my husband has not had a orgasm.

He was abused at a young age and was introduced to porn. He had no problem with masturbating and ejeculating before we were married but now with the real thing he does. I still have a higher sex drive also and our age and some health issues are against us..and we are doing all the right things like counseling, prayer etc...

My question is do we keep praying for God to heal this area so we can have some more fulfillment in this area especially for my husband? We have hurt much over this area and cried much and have cried even recently and keep trying to cry to the Lord. Like I keep saying to Jesus look lord we don't have the luxury of time on our side here either.

Should we keep hoping that Jesus will bring healing and freedom to us in this area even for a little while? And how can we be encouraged in this" trial and waiting for God process"? That's the battle.

Has anyone experienced God's healing or help in this kind of area before? Iguess I'm looking for hope?

What to do when your wife doesn't know what she wants...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 19:10:23 GMT

I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 7 years. I adopted our oldest that she had and she is now 10 and we also have a 5 year old daughter as well. For the last 5 years I have had resentment at the fact they we never had time for each other and were always on the run. I started just going out with my friends and talking down to her. This has all come to a head in the last couple of months. She suffers from bi-polar depression from the past. She had been raped a few times and molested as well. Also she has endodimetriouses(sp?) and has had a partial historectomy(sp?). After she told me she wanted a divorce we went to 2 marriage couseling sessions and she didn't want to go back to those. She has now started going to a therapist at the office of her phsycologist's office and I started seeing one at the same location.

Basically, we are at the point where she says she THINKs she knows what she wants and that is us, but she wants to find her independance on her own right now and doesn't think of us as a couple right now. She says she doesn't know what she really wants until she figures herself out. Her therapist told her last week that we should be living seperatly and this could take 6 months or way longer. She asked me to come home last week because we can't afford it and that she just needs her space and wants to be by herself. I know there has to be something there because for instance last night we were at the ER with our oldest daughter's foot and she started rubbing my back for no reason. I am also going through the love day and I am on day 10 today.

This is really tough because I have completely changed and I am doing all sorts of things around the house and with the kids that I have never done and I enjoy it, but I have a problem with always checking her facebook status and asking her about comments that to me sound bad and crowding her. I want to just follow the book and let her be and respond, but it is tough. She is not in love with me right now and I am completely in love with her.

Caught Red Handed.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:11:03 GMT

Hope all have patience with me while you read this long story. First I’m Hispanic and hoping I can write better that I can speak.

Currently I’m an ex children’s Pastor. All my troubles began when I was a teenager at my country. I was pretty lonesome and even though I had many friends, I never got involved sexually at that age. My sexuality was around dirty magazine. I grew with the wrong stereotype of what a girl should be. During my relationship with whom is my wife today and not been Christian either, we engage in a sexual relationship. During that time I cheated on her with my ex girlfriend. She “found out” (I’ll explain the quotes later), and it was very difficult for her to understand the entire situation. She decided to forgive me and continue. After 2 years we met the lord and decided to stop all sexual contact and wait for the time to be married just like God intended to.

While in my first year of marriage I had several contacts with pornography. After a few years working as a Pastor and few months after the birth of my first girl, I had an affair and I “was caught”. We were removed from our position and did not have a proper restoration. We decided as a couple to give our live completely to God and get restored by his hand and an opportunity to confessed that part of what happened to me was linked to pornography. But I did not get the proper counseling and treatment in this issue.

After our restoration we did not get back to work at church but instead I worked with my father were I had to travel to many different places. Places where I started to see pornography in the different hotels where I was staying. This was not hardcore but all the movies like Porky’s and other funny movies where girls showed naked. This was a stimulus for the repressed things I would’ve liked to have done as a teenager.

In one my trips I tried to get involved with a girl and fortunately with no success. But I did manage to give her a call to tell her I would like to see her someday….my wife was listening in the other side of the phone and I “got caught”. Restoration process again.

It’s had past almost past 3 years and all had been great, helping at church again, until again… one I received an email with very strong images which triggered all that I had lived back in the past. She saw the picture and “caught me” red handed. I really explained to her what happened, but it was enough all that she had suffered in the past made it really difficult.

Few months later until last week, I had the chance to get the subscription of a DVD company that delivers them to your house or now you can see it through you internet at home. After watching a movie with her she just went up stairs and I had the chance to browse over all the title in the system. For my surprise… titles with the word sex on it. I tried to open them… one for 45 seconds and second for 3 minutes… NO I CAN’T and I stopped, but the intentions were others. I know the Bible in Rom 13:6 “Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.”

Next day she enters to our movie account and both titles (with time frame) showed in the list of viewed movies, she had “caught me“again. She asked me if I had seen those… I said…meee? noooo! Of course she did not believe in me and had to tell the truth. This is one of the things that upsets her the most. That I'm not capable of telling her the truth.

This entire story takes place in a time frame of 15 years of marriage. This last one, even though it was just a glimpse, is the most difficult time I have encounter with her. In all occasions she had “caught me” red handed. She wants me to confess before anything happens or if it happens to have the guts to tell her about it.

I think she is right. So I go and try to find help with this issue. I come back and tell her that I have great news because I had realized that all the time I was trying in my own to stop pornography in my life and that this is wrong because I have actually understood that it is an addiction which I was not treated for. Like in the book “Facing your Giants” Max Lucado said: “Don’t look at the giants because you will tremble, look at God so the giants will tumble”. I really understood this…..but now come the difficult part. Now my wife won’t believe in anything I said. She is in complete denial and would like to vengeance over me. She would like to do anything like the ones I have done to see what it feels like and how would I feel like.

She is showing a double face. With the family all is great… at church all is great, but when I get to the room at night she divides the bed in two and won’t accept for me to talk to her, touch her, see her in her Eve state. I really know this is the time to get in my knees and pray for her and for God to continue to change me into what he really wants to.

Please let me know what do you think, help me in prayer. I know that her behavior has to do with my history. I have told her how much I love her. I know she is a great woman of God and a great teacher. She won’t believe when I tell her the changes I’m going through. Very difficult but I know that after confessing my addiction He will set me free and that’s why I’m very happy.

A person with an addiction needs to be caught and then take the step of confessing. My wife has the God's favor because He always lets her know what I’m doing wrong….but she is tired of seeing my wrong do’s… I love her so much… sorry can’t write any more...

Recently Confronted with His Sexual Sin

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:15:12 GMT

I wanted to share my prayers in hopes that they may help other woman, like me, who are working through their emotions after discovering their husband has issues with sexual sin.

It's comforting to know that we are not alone.

Karen

Message was edited by: Moderator

Single Introvert

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 20:24:23 GMT

Okay so I am an introvert, extremely mellow, and non-athletic. Finding a Christian man is hard enough, but finding one who wouldn't get bored with me, leave me alone a lot, or drag me all over creation seems impossible. So how does a person like me meet someone like me?

Frustrated husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 16:08:21 GMT

Got a question.Im a stay at home dad since I've become unemployed.I clean the house, do laundry, take care of our 6 yr old, as my wife works. We also have her mother living with us.But whenever my mom buys me something, or we do something together;or i go do something by myself, my wife gets upset. Shes more of a homebody.She says she gets resentful at me and my mom. I'ts like she doesnt want me to do or get anything without her getting or doing.I feel like I cant do or get anything without her. She does things by herself and buys whatever she wants, without asking me, and thats fine. But, should i feel guilty? theres like a double standard. any suggestions? doesnt it seem a little selfish on her part? thanx!

Divorce is looming

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 08:03:32 GMT

Precious Father, you know my pain. I have been expecting to recieve the divorce papers from my husband, but it still hurt SO much! Reading through the impersonal wording that will end our 17 years of marriage was like reading the end of my own life. You know that my continual prayer is that our family would be reunited, but I admit that I am feeling sorely defeated right now. I pray for your strength and peace in my life. I haven't had much peace lately. I know it is because I'm looking for peace in my husband instead of you. Please forgive me for that. I am so hurt, Lord, that I hardly know how to function in my normal life. Please just guide my steps, and help me to allow you control of my life. Show me the way to go because I don't know. Please just provide your comfort to me in this extremely trying time. Be with my children, and help them to cope with this horrible circumstance. Please be with my husband, and bring him back to you. If it is your will, I pray that our family can still be restored. If not, I pray for strength to carry on.

Husband addicted to online games?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 05:32:46 GMT

My husband and I have been married for a year. When we got married I found out that he plays online games A LOT, or plays video games and watches movies if online games are not available.

He said that he plays them because that's his way of socializing and escaping because he doesn't have a lot of friends here (he moved from a different state where he did have a lot of friends).

He plays these games every chance he gets - in the morning before work and after work in the evening until he goes to sleep (we both work 2nd shift) but he is in denial that he plays them that much. What should I do?

How do you know if you are a sex addict

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:06:31 GMT

My wife says I am addicted to sex...I enjoy sex with her, and do not nor have I ever sought it from anyone else. My wife has a low sex drive and I try to make it fun for her and try to be creative, but now she says all I think about is sex...I do think about it, but alot of the ime it is about how I can make it more enjoyable for her and get her more interested. I have viewed pornography in the past, and sought Christian counseling. I wasn't addicted and my counselor agreed and said that it was good I got counseling before it did become an addiction. I still feel a draw to porn but only when I am rejected by my wife. I don't view porn, just try to talk my feelings through with my wife now. Last night she said she doesn't want to have sex with me again, only make love and she feels I ama sex addict....I think she may be confusing my sex drive with a sex addict...and we only have sex maybe 2 times a week and I am not seeking out sex from other sources...amI confused oris she or maybe both of us? Anyone experience anything similar to this?

pornography is destroying me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 08:41:44 GMT

I am so hurt and angry. I found out that my husband was into porn when I was six and a half months pregnant with our first child. He was repentant and asked my forgiveness and I granted it. I had a very hard pregnancy and much of the time was on bedrest, so I thought that was the reason that he was looking at porn. After I had the baby and had lost all of my pregnancy weight I thought that all would be well, but once again I found out that he was looking at porn again. I was absolutely devestated and really went into a deep depression that almost ended in me taking my life.
He has said that he is clean for the past two years, but I have once again found it on our computer. I am now pregnant with our second child and once again am having a rough pregnancy. My daughter has been diagnosed with a rare disease that has almost taken her life several times this past year. I feel as though the whole world is against me! I am ready to collapse! The problem with porn is destroying me and our marriage, and in the midst of all of that I have the constant concern for my daughter and this next child. I really need guidence right now. I am more angry this time than depressed, but I am not sure how to deal with this anger. Can anyone offer advise?

Solving long distance relationship with child involved.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 05:54:26 GMT

I am 36 years old and I used to live in southern california. I have sole custody of 4 children from a previous relationship. I have a girlfriend that still lives in california and we have a 7 year old daughter together that lives there with her. I moved to norhtern utah in may of 2009 to start work as there was no work available in southern ca, and I had been out of work for 9 months. When I moved My Girlfriend and I had an agreement that I would come get settled, get a house, keep my job for a year , while she looked after her son from a previous relationship that had recently turned 18, and then she would move out here with our daughter. in late june 2009 i flew back to get my 4 children from my previous relationship, I had let them stay with my parents to finish the school year, and our at that time 6 year old daughter came out for the summer. In august 2009 before my 6 year olds school started my girlfriend came out for a week to visit and then take our daughter back to california. while she was here she bought things for the house, said she liked it, called her mother and told her how neat the area was with the lakes and rivers, everything was going fine. I talked to her every day since I got here once before work at 6:30 a.m. (5:30a.m. her time), normally on my lunch break, and at least once, normally more after work each day. Up untill about 3 months ago everything seemed fine, then I noticed that when I would say I love you before getting off the phone that she would barely ever reciprocate. I also noticed that it was always me calling, she barely ever called me. Also I kept asking when they were coming out and she used to say soon and then it started turning to I don't know. Well I confronted her about not saying she loved me, not calling me, and told her that people here were beginning to wonder if I really had a girlfriend. She started being the one that called me, started saying "I love you" first, and told me that yes I still had a girlfriend and untill a month ago everything went fine. Then I found out about another man and when I asked at first she said I had nothing to worry about, then I found out that she had been sleeping with him since February. I flew to California last week to try and save my relationship last weekend and we worked things out, I thought but I find out from my daughter that this guy still comes around. I know we have both done our share of sinning but this girl is the one who brought me to the lord and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She told me she hasen't prayed in months. She said when I was there that our family was worth trying to fix (my other 4 children think of her as thier step-mom since we have been together for 10 years), and that she would handle the other guy and she would come out here and give it a shot. but she says she can't come out till thanksgiving and that even then it would only be a visit for a week. and that she can't "just up and leave". her now 19 nyear old son has friends that have got in some trouble with a gang out there and he is getting involved by association, while I was there she told him he might have to move out here and he said why can't we all go. So her son, his girlfiend, our daughter, and my children her want them to move out here, and the excuse she gives is her job as a waitress. I moved out here to support my family and give our children better lives and it seems she is holding my 7 year old and her 19 year old there bacause of a minimum wage +tips job and possibly the guy that she said she wasn't going to see anymore. I know ther is a lot here to take in but anyone's input would be appreciated. What can I do?

Not again.... sigh

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 20:59:48 GMT

I am a woman at the well .... ok well not quite that much but

I was married young and in the world... had a child, divorced and met my second... my second lasted 7 years and was full of sexual sins, my ex could not stop cheating... during the end of that marraige God brought me in real close... my life changed..... the grace was astounding... still is.... second marraige ended when cycle of adultery began again... I actually felt led to leave and just a month after it was final my ex was remarried and expecting.... hmmmm.... so I purposed to try my best to stay out of this type situation.... I thought... wow if I could just find someone who loves God then we will be unstoppable.... so I move through and 3 years later meet a young man who though raised in the church was not really a solid christian... I loved him so dearly..... I had another man come up on the side who I had known for a while ... he began to show interest and leveraging his christianity.... also raised in the church.... he appeared to be grounded in a christian family and so on... so I chose to end the other relationship and begin on this one.... we ended up getting married.... too quick..... since then I have found that he is the fakin fig tree like in Mark 11.... our beliefs are so different yet I expressed them all prior to anything.... now they are the center of challenges, on top of this he is also verbally abusive.... for my birthday, and a week later, mothers day I got called names and threatened to be left.... after 2 and a half years of this I am growing so weary.... I am strong in Christ and this is what helps me to even still be standing.... but at what point do I say enough..... how do I stop this cycle? What the heck am I missing? I talk to God and cry to Him... I know He sees me and I know He is with me.... and I know that I know that my Father loves me.... I pour in word and yet this situation is being prolonged and grace is absolutely lacking.... I feel like I am missing something.... I am so tired of dealing with men like this..... I was sure God was dealing with me.... My esteem is complete, my strength... direction.. purpose had all became so clear..... I set out and opened my mouth for the things I wanted... the will of God done in my family and my life.... even now my prayers are being directed in all areas including.... protect my mind and heart dear Father to prevent the marring of your name... I love God so much... and man I just wanted to have a family strong in Him... going the same direction.... and now my prayer time is filled with thanksgiving and tears for relief..... God showed me 1 Pet and I bawled.... wives submit even if they are unbelievers.... you were called to this.... can you assist me in a reading pattern for strength and encouragement? or pray for help? I honestly am empty of hope or desire for this marraige and all I have left to live on is God and His ability to create and restore.... but sadly a part of me just wishes he would walk out..... I so long to be loved like Christ loves the church....

Currently I am meditating heavily on Psalm 119....

What a different type of unequally yolked.......

Thank you

Facebook , Myspace, EMAIL????? good or bad for a marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:04:41 GMT

Just wanted to see if anyone had any good discusssions on this , also what about texting?

legalism in the bedroom

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 25 May 2010 18:17:57 GMT

my wife and i have been married for 23yrs now and are okay we have had our ups and downs and have gotten thru it.

about 5yrs ago we started attending a church that i didnt realize preached legalism concerning losing one's salvation, no wearing of jewlery, etc.

women wearing pants.

no preaching of grace whatsoever. i had finally enough of it and we decided that I would find another church that felt preached the grace message while my wife and our oldest son would stay in the other congregation. i and my youngest son who is 15 yrs old attend a great grace church in our area.

The problem is she has brought into our bedroom chamber the legalism that is taught in the congregation she attends.

things that we used to do during intimacy are considered no no's and now our sexl life has become very vanilla and boring.

She sees everything as being sinful, i've asked her to put some sexy lingerie she used to wear and she refuses to saying its too worldly and

also if ask to wear women's pants and a light blouse she refuses to also. she doesnt want to look like the world.

Even in our bedroom she wont anything sexy, or try to get into the mood, if i watch a reality tv show for a few moments she gets judgmental even when im listenign to classic rock that i grew up with she gets mad. telling me i should be listening to christian music only.

Instead of being with me when i want intimacy she prefers to read her bible and then goes to sleep. so when do have intimacy its always before we go to bed late at night or first thing in the morning at 5:00am so our bodies are never at a complete restness.

I've tried to talk with her about this and even referred to focus onf the family radio which she listens too in the morning but she doesnt feel there is a problem and the only problem is with me.

she feels we are too old to be intimate all the time. we are only in our forties.

Im getting frustrated now and as a christian husban who is constantly being bombarded by sexual images everywhere its hard to keep my mind pure.

Im tired of always initiating intimacy and being rejected and it gets very painful. i want to be chased once in a while. i want to be loved unconditionally by her just like Christ does to me but she gets judgmental when we are in bed and it puts out the fire during intimacy.

I've started having almost physical dreams with familiar spirits where im having actual lovemaking with someone but i wake up in time and find out its not my wife im having it with.

My imaginary lovers are calling to me again but i keep the door shut.

I love my wife very much and i want the magic and gift God gave us when we were first married and before we attended her legalistic congregation.

its also affecting our houseold .

Im not perfect in any way and i love my wife no matte what. we still pray together in the morning even when we 've had our disagreements about her teasing me and then not being able to make love to her.

i want to fight for my marriage please any counsel would help.

Is it wrong to let your children pray for the restoration of your marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 02:24:52 GMT

Is it wrong to let your children pray for the restoration of your marriage. I have taught my children that they can pray to God at anytime and about anything. I bought them two books on children's prayers. They asked me if God would bring my wife and I back together if they prayed. I told them that I was praying that God will make me the husband and father that He wants me to be and that God will soften my wife's heart. My 6 yr old youngest son called me tonight crying that God has not brought my wife and I back together yet. I told him that it is not his fault and that his mother and I both love him no matter what and that God still hears everything that he says and know how he feels. My wife then got on the phone really angry telling me that she is in control and that it is very wrong for me to let our children pray for our marriage. She said the kids will hate God because he will not answer theirs prayers. She also has let me know that she has no interest in praying. I have read a ton of marriages being restored on rejoice ministries web page from one spouse standing on Gods word and for praying for change in them and their spouse. I choose to stand and pray change in me and that God will draw my wife to Him and show her His will for our marriage. Thank you for any and all of your prayers as they are needed and appreciated.

Still trying to heal

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:08:36 GMT

Well this is a long story, but I won't go into each and every detail, but the straight facts are... my husband reconnected with an old high school girlfriend on Facebook last year and although they were both married, they wanted to be together and both left their families. It was devastating to me and my children. We had 2 young children and my husband had been my best friend, great dad and great husband. I loved him and the children with my whole heart and I always thought he was as dedicated to our family as I was. After about 3 weeks of chatting on FB, my husband told me he wasn't happy with our life out of the clear blue one morning. He first agreed to go to counseling and quit talking to her, but 2 days later he changed his mind and left. He actually told our son he was leaving before he told me. That week he drove about 500 miles to see her and they both immediately went home and filed for divorce. My husband got an apartment and within a few weeks moved her and her daughters in with him. I can't even hardly describe the pain that my children and I had to live through, night after night watchinh them and holding them cry themselves to sleep. No one understood what had happened and my husband would not discuss it. If I tried, he got mad. As time passed things did get a little easier. The children and I have had to move so I could go back to work full time and we are doing OK. Our divorce just became final this summer and exactly 2 weeks after it was final, he married his girlfriend. I knew it was going to happen, but it still felt like I got kicked in the gut when I heard it. We lived in a state where there was a 1 year waiting period of living apart before you could file for divorce so once it got signed, you are free to marry and they did ASAP. Anyway, even though the children and I are doing OK and trying to start over, I am having a very difficult time knowing that the two of them are married and appear to be happy after all of the pain they have caused us. It's very difficult too to see my children go visit with him and her knowing she is part of the reason they no longer have their dad in their daily lives. I am angry and hurt and I don't want them to be happy after all of the hurt they have put so many people through, not just me and the children, but my parents and siblings and in-laws and all of her family. Even her kids don't live together anymore because her oldest moved back to be with her dad. It's just not right. How will I get over this? I pray that I will forgive them and that God will allow me to just move past it, but even though I know how rotten what they did was and that in the end they probably deserve each other, I miss my sweet husband I had and I don't want her to be with him and therefore be with my children on a few occasions. I'd love any advice on how I can come to terms with this and just accept it. I really just want to move forward and provide my children the best and happiest life I possibly can full of love and laughter.

Trying to learn patience

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 29 May 2010 13:21:35 GMT

Hello. I'm writing this because Focus on the Family has been a big help to me throughout my recent struggles. I thank the Lord for ministries such as this one that are such a help. I am a recently divorced person. I was married to my wife young (I was 18, she was 19). We had dated for a few years. The big thing that pushed us towards marriage was that I was deploying to Iraq for 15 months.

Marrying her was the happiest day of my life. I had a picture in my mind of how everything would be. However, I never truly gave my marriage over to Christ. We enjoyed a quick honeymoon, and within a month, I was on a plane to Iraq. We didn't get to spend the first 15 months together. It was so difficult being away from her. I wasn't walking with the Lord the way I should have been. The devil took advantage of this. There is no excuse for my behavior, but I met someone over there. We never were sexually intimate with each other, but we did kiss (something I revealed to my ex-wife recently). When I came home on leave, I had someone else pick me up from the airport, and didnt want to see my wife because of my shame. I hurt her so badly. The first week of my leave, we struggled. Finally, the second week, the Lord woke me up to the fact that I had a loving wife He had given to me, and I was being selfish, and needed to work things out. I apologized to her, and we made up, but I didn't tell her about the other girl. I did break off connection with the other woman when I returned to Iraq.

Anyways, all throughout the time we were dating, and married, I was addicted to internet pornography. This tore me up inside, and it's why I could never have a full relationship with Christ. Of course, that carried over to my marriage. My wife did find out about it, but I made it seem like I was fighting, and would overcome it. We never talked about it much, but it was an addiction I thought I'd never overcome.

So, I returned from Iraq, and left active duty. Finally, I could build a life with my wife. However, since my foolishness in Iraq had already done its damage, she had been thinking about divorce. I didn't know about this until 3 or 4 moths later. We had our struggles (I still hadn't turned things over to Christ, and our marriage was not built around Him), but I figured they were normal struggles. One day, it seemed out of the blue, she asked me to leave. I was devastated and didn't understand. She explained she had been trying to make things work, and wanted to see if she would change her mind, but she couldn't live with me anymore. I didn't understand (I know now that I ruined my marriage. I disrespected her, and treated her horribly, and never truly loved her with a Christ like love). A few months later, she filed for divorce, but I was the one who paid for it. I was sick of waiting around for things to work when they obviously weren't going to.

The divorce was finalized a few months later, and that was it (or so I thought!). For over a year, I struggled with depression. I was going to college, and working, trying to stay busy, but couldn't forget about her. I thought that I'd be just fine and I'd be able to find a Christian woman to replace her. However, this was not the case. Though the opportunity was there, I couldn't bring myself to find someone else. I did try though. I went on a couple of dates with a Christian girl, but it never felt right. I was doing the wrong thing, trying to use this girl to help me get over my wife. The Lord revealed this to me. So I continued struggling with porn and depression. Finally, as I'm looking at the filth one night, I stopped. I had enough! I prayed to the Lord and asked for forgiveness. Then I purchased the online filter program Safe Eyes (they have admin password, so I can't access those sites!), and the moment I did this, the desire to look at that filth went away! God delivered me!

So I started to focus on building my relationship with Christ. I went to Focus on the Family, and the first broadcast that I listened to was "Marriages that Have Been Restored." I was in shock. Throughout the divorce and depression, I had never lost my feelings for my wife, but I had never stopped to think that maybe God would want me to seek reconciliation with her. That night, the Lord started to rekindle my love for her. Each day since (it's been over 3 months now), Christ has continued to build that love and He has been making changes in my life. I love her so much, and want to hold her once more. I've told her about this, but she hasn't said much on the subject. I wrote her a letter explaining everything to her. I told her about the other girl, I told her about my deliverance from pornography, and I asked for her forgiveness. She says she's forgven me, and I believe her. But she hasn't said anything about reconciliation. When I send her invites to dinner, she doesn't respond. Perhaps she's unresponsive because it's too much too fast? It seems to me that if she wanted me out of her life and there was no hope that she'd tell me. Instead, she's remained silent. That's her right. I really hurt her and destroyed our relationship. But I feel strongly that Christ can restore our marriage.

He's been teaching me about patience. I truly am an impatient man. If I had my way, we'd be back together, married once again. However, I've told myself and God that if there is any hope (which I feel strongly there is), and if she is ever responsive, we will take it slowly. We will build our relationship around Him. We will spend time with Christ, and let Him be the center of our relationship. That's the only way that it will work. It hurts not hearing from her. Each day, I wake up with the hopes of an email from her or a letter in the mailbox, or even her at my door. However, I know that right now, God wants me to be patient. I love how He does things in His time, not ours!

Masking Lust Problems

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 12:49:20 GMT

I have posted several times on overcoming lust and my problem continues to manifest itself. This time instead of me being out of town, my wife is out of town and the computer is totally available. I have failed to stay off of it.

It seems that my only method for staying pure is to have my wife around. I feel empty inside and I feel like my life is being lived to please my wife primarily and eveyone else around me, so when people aren't immediately at hand i resort to pleasing myself. I feel a distinct lack of God in my life, and its is as though I am going through life concerned with worldly things yet trying to live a Godly life. I DO try to do what is right, but at the end of the day when I am alone, it seems there is nothing substantial to motivate me to true Godliness. I do not know how to correct this situation. For YEARs all my external efforts have led me through failed struggle after failed struggle. I have been guilt stricken by my inability to change and I truly want change from the inside out. I have been a Christian for years, but now my relationship to the Lord seems cold and clinical. I know and do all the right things so that everybody thinks I am a great guy... How can I get through this!?

Looking for support to keep trying...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 00:45:25 GMT

My husband and I have been growing apaprt for years; through out that time I was always very resistant to even consider a divorce. I am exhausted now and older. I am tired. I am starting to loose my desire to work on our marriage. We went to a marriage counselor last week and he has barely talked to me since then. We just exist is the same house. I went looking for a forum for support and hope that we might find a way through this, stregthen and renewing our love and our marriage. I am close to letting go; for so many years I have been the only one really hanging on. Once I let go, the marriage will be done. This is not what I want to do...but I am tired.

I don't know what to do right now.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:34:45 GMT

I have posted here before and just find it's nice to pour out my feelings and know other people are praying, but I really need some advice. I have written before that my husband of seven years feels numb towards me, now he has told me he does not love me and never did. Why did he marry me in the first place? He will go back and forth, one day he will blame me for everything that has gone wrong in our lives and be angry with me for not allowing him to lead, then last night he said he just can't make goals and he cannot lead in our marriage. He won't even kiss me at this point or hold my hand. I feel like he is punishing me because he feels miserable. He will say one day that I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me and that I am a good wife, and then the next day he says that he can never forgive me for the way I am and that he believes I will never change. Yes, he is a Christian and he says the only thing that's keeping him going is that God loves him.

What I need to know is where to go from here. Do I keep silent and just let him treat me horribly until he finally decides to leave? (I really believe that is where this is headed, unfortunately.) I have read "Love must be tough" and because there has not been an affair, I don't believe I should ask him to go. I don't want him to go. I love him desperately and I just wish he could remember why he married me in the first place. I have tried so hard to be a good wife, though I know I have my shortcomings I also know I don't deserve to be treated like this. We are going to a sozo session next week, we have been trying to find a counselor but it seems like doors keep being slammed shut.

Anyway, whoever is reading, thanks for reading and praying. Any input would be appriciated greatly.

Will you pray for our family and marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 03:06:36 GMT

My wife left with our four children and doesn't want to pray or go to church anymore. She has been gone for 2 1/2 months. I don't want to talk bad about her so I will just ask you to pray that God will draw her to Him and that He will show her what He feels about marriage. I pray that God will make me the husband and father that my wife and family needs me to be. I pray that God will soften her heart and help her to love me again, and that He will make her the wife He wants her to be.

Marriage Crisis Please help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 18:59:24 GMT

Hello. I am in dire need of advice. My 16 year marriage is in trouble. My husband for the past three years has begun a journey into losing himself. He has begun drinking and lately staying out with his friends drinking. He come home 2, 3, 4 in the morning as says there is nothing wring with that. We have a 9 year old son who I do not want to see him this way. He promises to change and does so for a little while and then he goes back. He is a good person when he is himself. He doesn't drink everyday but when he does he comes home late and does't answer his phone. I tell him of he is not aware of what he is doing to me and our marriage. He does not seem to. He blames me. I am supposedly the cause of him self-destructing. He wants another child and I tell him until he get his act together I will not. Its not fair to me or the baby. He does not spend time during the week with us becasue he is always working. He is doing everthing for us. I don't know what to think.l He came home last night almost 3 am. He will not tell me where he has been and he thinks he can just say sorry and all is forgiven. I hasve tried to get him to go with me to a marriage counseling and he refuses. He says I am the one with the problem. He is not crazy and that thise people just destroy marriages. He has told me that he will take my son and that I will lose everything becasue he knows people. He says he will spread lies and ruin me. I don't know what to think. Please help.

Lisa

Help dealing with estranged in-laws at family wedding

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 May 2008 12:30:14 GMT

Okay, so I've been married three years and have a 17 month old son, and it's been since the week of Thanksgiving that we've had any contact with my in-laws. We had a lot of problems with them, mainly my MIL. She didn't honestly think our marriage would last and spent her time making nasty comments to me and trying to wedge us apart by lying to us about each other. She tryed to gossip to my husband about me, and would try to get me to "persuade" him in a direction by saying "I just want us to get along". Fortunately, I'm a little brighter than she gave me credit for, and when she did this (like when she wanted me to convince him not to join the military) I told her I was proud of him and fully supported him as his wife, and if she had problems with what he was doing she needed to talk to both of us together because I would not discuss my husband or our mutual descisions behind his back. Of coarse, you can imagine this didn't go over well, but we tried playing nice and rolling over for 2 years and it didn't work. We caught her in several lies, found out she was gossiping about me to the family, and even found out she was changing the recipes she gave me so the food wouldn't turn out as good as hers. She also hated the way we were raising our son, and told us she would basically tell him we were wrong and try to save him from our upbringing. She is very liberal and not a CHristian, and she hates our conservative views and thinks our church is a crazy cult. She thinks it's wrong for us to not do things exactly as she did and blames me and our church and my family for my husband's beliefs and values (even though he became a Christian before we met and already had those beliefs on his own). Finally, the week of Thanksgiving we had an arguement over the phone. She was unhappy with the way we were celebrating Christmas (no Santa Claus and we invited them to our home instead of going 5 different places and wearing out ourselves and our one-year-old). Futhermore, she was angry because when they refused to come Christmas day to our home because it's so far away (45 minutes and we made the drive at least once a week with our kid) we asked her to please find another day when she could come out and celebrate, as her home is not baby-proofed and with opening presents it would be quite a struggle with our squirmy kid. She of coarse told me very condescendingly that babies need to learn boundaries (not in a stark white home with breakable keepsakes and poison plants everywhere, especially when she just got done asking me to try to keep our son from getting drool on their carpet because it bothered her husband). I also didn't want to drag over all our kid gear plus all of her gifts to my husband, which she made me buy because she refused to get anything on his list (of stuff he needed because we were in financial hardship at the time) unless I went and bought it myself and then she would pay me back... oh, and she got to pick what she wanted to get him from the list, which just happened to be the exact things I had flagged for myself to get him.) She went into a full on tirade about how awful I am and I called my husband at his work in tears. She called right after and left him a message saying she wanted to discuss me with him. When he got home, he called them to defend me, and ended up in a shouting match. After that, he wrote a letter telling them that we could no longer have a relationship with them. Hemeant for forever, but I asked him to leave it open so in case we changed our minds someday we could reconcile. I guess part of me still hoped she would one day know Christ and change her ways. However they gave us a very threatening letter that gave me nightmares for months (we've even discussed getting a restraining order if they ever threaten us again because I was afraid to shop in case they were there.) My husband does not regret the choice at all. He had a bad relationship with them since he was a young child, dealing with their lies and manipulation and constant criticism. He honestly seems to be flourishing without them to put him down. We even talked about how there's no real initiation into manhood anymore in society, but that letter was his "moment" when he broke free and stood up as a man, no longer letting them have any control. (I'm not saying every man has to cut off his parents, just in this circumstance. Some guys just get that "moment" from going to college, getting married or moving out, etc. ) He very much feels we did the right, and only, thing. I agree, but sometimes I still have a little bit of a hard time. We both took the choice and it's potential consequences very seriously, and I guess I just need to have faith that that was enough instead of worrying there was more we could do. They ultimately forced the descision, not us.
It has been so good for our family not seeing them, but now we have one last obstacle. We remained on good terms with my husband's grandma and brother (everyone else either blames us because they heard it from my MIL or doesn't know because we found my MIL has been keeping it a secret and pretending for certain branches of the family so she wouldn't look like a bad mom.) This wouldn't really matter, except my husband's grandma wasn't returning my calls, and I worried my MIL had told her something false about us and she hated us. Then yesterday his grandma called and said she just got our messages, but she had been in the hospital for a month after she fell down the stairs. No one told us! Now I'm worried if she gets sick or injured again we'll never find out. I can't believe not one person would call us just to let us know- I know multiple people heard our messages repeatedly trying to get a hold of her, because they were at her house keeping up with things for her. I'm really upset that we were not once notified by anyone. For the first time i a long time I'm really angry, and I'm trying not to be. My brother-in-law is getting married the end of June, and we'll be going to the wedding. (My hubby got shafted out of his best man honor because my MIL convinced my BIL that it would be "too complicated". Now we are attending as guests, and our son wasn't even invited. Granted, he's young, but he's gonna be a ring bear in our friends' wedding this fall. I don't even know if we'll be in any wedding photos or not. ) I know most of the people there will hate us, and I even think my BIL's fiancee isn't fond of us- she spends a lot of time with my MIL and has started not returning my calls. Neither my BIL nor his fiancee seem to have any interest in spending time with, or in seeing their nephew, even though it's been Christmas since either of them have seen us. Their schedules are just "too busy" to take a day or evening to see us. I really, really want to have a good relationship with them but I feel like it's slipping through our fingers. I'm also worried that at the wedding someone will say something to us. I'm afriad I'll hasve to go to the bathroom, because we both agree the moment we're apart at least one of will get cornered and they'll be back at their angry criticism and manipulation. I'm honestly scared of being in the same place as them, especially alone with them. I'm not sure if they're brazen enough to say anything if we're together or not. I'm worried they'll follow us to our car or something. I know my husband and I can do this together, I'm just stressed about this one last event. It's been so nice not having to deal with it these last few months, I really feel like it's allowing us to grow and enjoy our lives more. I just don't want this wedding to go badly because I feel like my husband deserves to have it go really well. He's had to deal with enough bad stuff from them. Any suggestions? Any similar experiences? Any advice?

Hepatitis B

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 22:10:49 GMT

I just found out that my boyfriend might have Hepatitis B. I don't know what to do!

My wife cheated and now wants to leave me.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 12:05:16 GMT

Until 2 weeks ago we had a marriage/family that everyone admired, even us. We have made it through the toughest financial times and came out with no arguments over money and always found a way to love each other.

May 31, 2010 my wife kissed another man on a cruise she took her mother on for her 60th birthday. She came home and tearfully apologized and told me she would never want me to leave her over this and she knew it was a mistake because she was drinking ans so on. I wholeheartedly forgave her and vowed to move on with our lives as if it never happened.

3 days later things started getting uncomfortable around the house so I sat her down again to explain that I forgave her as God forgives us, unconditionally. Before I had the chance to explain, she said she was not sure she wanted to be with me anymore! We immediately met with our Pastor and that evening was UNBELIEVABLE for both of us.

The next few days she did everything she could not to come home. I didnt understand how after such a wonderful night, she would rather be away from our family. She explained to me that she was a changed person from who she was when she was 25 (8 years ago) when we met and she doesn't like who she is now because she changed for me.

She says when this man kissed her she realized I didn't get her that excited anymore when I kissed her because it was not as passionate. By the way he sent a mass email to a bunch of people trying to find her and did, unfortunately we share an email account so I got the email responded and he said he didn't want her, he kissed her to try to sleep with her and told us good luck fixing our marriage now.

My wife says she loves me and is completely attracted to me and all and she is not sure if she wants to take our 6 and 9 year old boys away from such a great dad but she wants spice in her life again. She is unwilling to say anything except she is confused about how she thought things were so wonderful and now she is unsure. She wants space and its hard for me to give that to her because I am too scared to lose her.

What do I do, and how did this become my fault after she cheated? ↓

I hurt so badly

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 21:39:46 GMT

I am giving it all to God now.

Hello there, this is JoAnnaFOTF, one of your friendly forum moderators. :) I wanted to jump on this thread to offer some explanation to the many of you who have been posting and reading this conversation Bryce started to let you know why we're deciding to lock this thread. Bryce has shared so much with our community about his situation, and recently wrote to us to request that his posts be allowed to be edited and much of what he said be removed from the forums, as a way to further his own healing process and honor his wife at the same time. You'll no doubt understand better by reading Bryce's own words about his decision here. I also want to say how impressed and humbled I have been over the past several weeks as I've 'listened' to each of you encourage, lift up, and otherwise support one of your fellow members. What an honor it is to be involved with such a caring and Christlike community of people! Thank you!!

Singleness

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 03:43:01 GMT

I am single and 32. I have not been able to relate with the opposite sex al that well in my life, and to make things worse my current church has no one my age that is single. Most are expected to be married by my age here. I do not know what to do as I get lonely at times. I am praying for this issue every day and Lord willing he will help me.

What do you say?

John

lacking emotional intimacy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:51:52 GMT

I'll start by saying that I do love my husband very much. We will soon be married for one year but have been together for almost ten years. We have been through almost everything you could imagine but have dealt with it on our own...no counseling. I feel we haven't gotten through things the right way in order to really heal. He's had a rough life, he's very angry (never physically abusive). I feel its so complicated because we do have fun together when we're not fighting. The thing is I am needing more of an emotional connection wih him. Every time I try to express this to him we end up fighting. He gets really angry with me and says he doesn't understand what I want. I started going to counseling by myself but now can't afford it. To make things worse I find myself wanting male attention. I tend to get along with them and enjoy their attention and discussions. My husbands favorite thing to say is that I talk too much. I love discussing everything...politics, news,art,funny stuff etc. He's not into anything. He says I don't talk to him "like a friend". I know its wrong but there is a guy at school (college) that I get dressed up for, and often can't wait to see. We've never talked outside of school, only in class or when we walk to our cars but even that short time makes me giddy. I don't want to feel this way for anyone but my husband. I know its cause our marriage is lacking but again trying to talk about it is just a fight. My husband does make me feel wanted physically (ofcourse) and I want him that way too but I'm afraid my emotional needs will get me in trouble. I pray about this constantly but it's not improving.

I appreciate prayers and advice.

God bless.

Staying afloat

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 23 May 2010 06:13:44 GMT

After being married 6 years my mind is wandering. All the stress of life, marriage and the kids is breaking me down. I don't know how to handle it. I think I'm putting un-needed stress on my marriage. I have a wonderful husband but I feel like I am not worthy. I feel like we are failing. My husband wants to work at it, but I'm not sure. I do still have very strong feelings for him, but just don't know what to do. I don't feel like he's putting much effor into this as I am. This as in supporting our family. I do everything in my power to make sure we stay afloat, but hubby just reassures me that everything will be okay. There are so many other little things that I feel is making me lean towards seperation. I talk to hubby about it, but he just says if I want to leave it's over (no seperation, just divorce). We are also only married civilly and I truly desire to be married by the church, but hubby is not as devote and dedicated as I am. What would you do?

An old boyfriend as just a friend?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 21:07:09 GMT

Hi:

I never dated much (twice before I met and married my husband). First boyfirend passed away, second one we were engaged but the military took him far away and we actually never saw each other again. After a few months of him being stationed in Germany he became "busy" with his band. They performed in clubs all around Germany. While a waited around for him here, getting a note here and there telling me about his night life. Though he was faithful in body, he never found time for me. Then a few months passed and no communication at all (I know my situation ade it hard to contact me,but he didn't try) I met and became engaged to my husband (after I found out I was pregnant) before I actually broke things off with this other guy. He called a few weeks before my wedding, not knowing anything about my situation. He told me he had some problems witht he military and because he knew hom much i loved the Army , he didn't know how to tell me he got out. He was not a soldier anymore, his band was doing real well and even signed to a local label (in Germany). he got me a real engagment ring and he was coming to get me. I had to tell him I was pregnat and getting married. He thought I was joking. I even told him I would call of the wedding if he told me too. It hurt both of us very much. I never stopped caring about him or forgave myself for how things ended. I have thought about him over the years but we never talked since that night. Then out of the blue I get an email to an old email address from him. I talked with my husband about it and wrote him back letting him know that Yes that was my email address. I was excited and happy to hear from him. My husband and I spoke in length about my feelings for this guy. My husband knows how much I loved this guy and he know how much I love him. My husband only dated me and I was his first love, so I feel perhaps he doesn't truly understand the feelings I have still for this guy. He and I were real good friends before we dated. He was fun to hang with and I enjoyed his company. I do not have many friends and do not want to throw one away just because we were more than friends once. But I also know I have been married 11 years and have seen couples around me divorse over the introduction of and old boyfriend/girlfriend let alone an old fiance. My husband is fine with me communicating with this guy. I have been completly honest about my maritail situation with this guy and I do want to se if we can be friends again. But I also worry that this can't lead anywhere good. That once a boyfriend never a friend again (at least not while I am married).

Has anyone had any positive experiences with an old boy/girl friend after you were married? I want to persue having a freindship with this guy, but I also want to protect my marriage. It would be easier if this guy was married, but he is not. He is not sure why he emailed me, he was just thinking abut me one night. he admitted he never forgot me and regreted how things ended. He wants me to call him on the phone, I am not sure I can. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with the situation. I do not know if he is blind or if he is more trusting than I am ( I am the one who cheated on my first fiance).

Tired of the pat Christian answers about dating

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 05:04:37 GMT

I just had to sit through another church sermon on dating and marriage, and I have to say it's getting old. It feels like all the advice doled out in books, articles, sermons, etc. targets teens and college age kids. At 34, I can't relate to that demographic anymore and the advice that worked on me then is not cutting it these days. I've always been an independent/happy on my own woman who's interested, but not desperate to meet someone. I always thought that if I just work on my relationship with God (like everyone says to), then God will eventually bring someone in my path. However, God requires an equal yoke, and every church/Bilbe study/ministry school I attend women outnumber men at least 3 to 1, sometimes more. This is a population trend I and my friends have noticed for years. There just aren't enough committed Christian men to go around. I've dated lots of Christian guys who don't walk the talk and want to sleep with me and don't respect my boundaries. I've had several proposals from relationships, but I keep thinking that if I have to be submitted to a man, I want him to be submitted to God. I'm just not seeing a lot of this out there. Some people tell me to settle. Some people tell me that not settling has kept me out of a lot of trouble. Where do you go from here? Please don't dole out the usual: 1. Focus on God and He'll bring some one your way--I've been doing that for years. 2. Position yourself to meet like-minded guys--I've tried church-hopping, getting plugged-in, a year of ministry school, working at a church for 2 years, etc. 3. Maybe you're not ready--I wasn't years ago, that's why I turned down the first several proposals--so I could work on myself and work out issues I didn't want to bring into a marriage.

I don't mean to have a bad attitude, but the whole thing is getting old.

Marrying Before College..PLEASE HELP ME!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 22:30:04 GMT

I desperately need some advice on this subject.

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost one year now. He is 23 years old and just graduated college. I am currently 20 and am about to start my junior year of college. We want to get married in the Summer 2011. He has a job and by the time we get married, he will have been working for almost 2 years.

Ever since we started dating, we sought pre-engagement counseling from our campus minister as well as our pastor. We both know without a doubt we want to get married one day. We are both virgins and are waiting until we are married to have sex. Our physical relationship has become increasingly difficult as the months go by and we are finding it very difficult to completely honor God in our dating relationship. We firmly believe that marriage is going to come very soon, before I finish college. We have talked to our campus minister about this for months as well as our pastor and they both support the idea. They have always been honest with both of us.

The problem is that my parents (I am the youngest daughter of three children) will absolutely flip and be completely against me marrying. I understand their concerns with missing out on my college experience but I want with all my heart to honor God in our relationship and there is only a certain amount of time two people can date before they have to get married (if they want to honor the Lord throughout the relationship). If it weren't for my parents, I would get married in a heartbeat. My friends have all expressed their honest opinions and they say yes. And my boyfriend and I have both been praying about this for several months and we just keep coming back to this timeline. What do I do? I do i get my parents to understand where I'm coming from? They are both believers, but are very strict about having to finish college before getting married. Please give me some guidance on this! And if your are a parent responding to this, will you for sure let me know your thoughts if I was your daughter?

Is it right or when is it right to masturbate?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 May 2010 19:35:56 GMT

that is my question. From what i see in scripture that as a committed Christian loving and living for Jesus it is not a condoned lifestyle. I am saying that because of the verse If a man looks on a woman lustfully he has already committed adultery in his heart...i realize this applies to women also.

The reason is that my husband had no problem ejectulating when he masturbated before we married but he can't orgasm now with me (i know there are deeper problems..we are in counseling etc...) but my question is this. To me there is a very fine line in our thoughts and imaginations for thinking about anyone. (see my other thread on this issue)

Please i am not condemning anyone here at all.. this is just struggle.

Why can't I feel God's presence?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 10:17:17 GMT

I feel so betrayed. I've been married for a little over 11 years I have two sons one is grown the other is 9. My husband and I had what I believed to be a wonderful marriage. Right after God he was the most important person in my life then my children. The problem is that the past 11+ years have been a total lie, I recently found out my husband has been having an affair, wait it gets much worse....it is with another man. Just writing that makes my stomach turn. I am so hurt, angered and totally confused. He has asked for a divorce and moved in with this man. He will not even discuss the possibility of counseling he just wants to "get this over with" How can a man go from loving and attentive to someone I barely recognize anymore. He seems to be so full of hate and anger and acts like I am the one who is doing wrong because I won't just give up and be happy for him can you believe that he thinks I should just except this like it is normal. Both of our fathers were Pastors so He knows what God thinks of homosexuality he just says Oh well I guess I am going to go to hell because I have to do this for myself. He told our 9 yr old son all about this man even that his nick name is Snoopy, we have already been to an attorney and I made it perfectly clear to my husband that he is not to discuss anything about this person with our son, he is totally traumatized and says it makes his skin crawl. I am at the point where I don't think I could ever trust him even if he wanted to come back but I still love him so very much how can I just turn those feelings off this is the man I promise before God to love and cherish till death parts us (which right now I feel like I am slowly dying and that the man I married already has) I don't want him to spend an eternity in hell I can't bare to think that he won't be there with us. We had worked so hard over the years to build a wonderful life together and now all of that is torn apart and I can't take this I am not strong enough to endure this heartache all I can think about is the poem Foot Prints in the sand " it was then that I carried you" I have asked God over and over to PLEASE pick me up and carry me but I feel like I am all alone. I have always shared a close walk with the Lord at times feeling like I can almost actually hear him talking with me but now there is nothing but silence. I have no family to turn to for support they have all already gone home to be with the Lord. Please someone tell me how I am suppose to do this when for the first time in my life I can not feel Gods presence and my best friend (my husband) is not there to lift me up. I am trying so hard to keep myself together for my son he loves his daddy so much but he has gotten to where I can barely get him to speak with him he says it is easier just to pretend he is just not home from work yet. Please someone out there pray for us.

My husband says he's leaving me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:46:42 GMT

So, just over a week ago, my husband of 13 years said he is leaving me. He doesn't know when yet but he's leaving. I know he's not leaving right now because of finances. Now I live on edge. Is he leaving this week, next week, next month. I try not to think too hard about when I guess cause I think it will be longer away. I don't know how to act. Am I supposed to be nice to him? Am I supposed to still do things for him like cook and wash? And sex -- well, who knows about that! We have a great sex life. At least I thought but now I'm hearing that I don't meet his needs. He told me a few years ago we have great passion. I worked so hard it seemed to please him sexually. Thought I had finally "achieved" that goal. Now I find out not so good. Anyway, to me it's great -- when he's sober. Oh yea, the other issue. He's an addict and talking to him gets me nowhere because it's the alcohol or the drugs talking back. So, after he said he's leaving I cried. After all he's put me thru! I may have to write more about that later. I'm numb about it all now. Giving it to God. Never thought I could really, really say that but I don't know what's best for me. Only God knows. I have not had the guts to kick him out or to leave either. God is doing this work in my marriage right now. Some may not understand or think it's God, but I've been thru a lot and the only way to get him to change may be for him to leave. I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to feel. God knows what I need. Basically, I guess I'm asking for advise about what to do next. I've talked with a friend who is very wise and she keeps telling me it's for the best that he leave. I meet next week with a counselor for the first time in a long time. I long for him to desire me again and love me again. He tells me he does but he also be rads me with things I do wrong. All this mistakes I've made. He knows he has a huge part in this but the things he says are just outrageous at times. That's my opinion. Do I listen to what he is saying and try to fix anything I am doing wrong at this point? What is the point of that? He refuses to go to counseling. We went like 3 times last year and he got nothing out of it. He's unhappy and I'm unhappy. I am willing to work on our marriage. I've been reading different books and praying. He's not. Never has. So, what does everyone think? Do I still have sex with him if he wants it? It's hard to say make love at this point, cause it's not. If I do, am I degrading myself? Am I using sex to keep him? We've had sex 3 times since he said he's leaving. This confuses me. To me, and I think most women, I associate sex with love. Thanks for any advice!

Recovering after leaving a cult

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 19:28:38 GMT

A couple of weeks ago I had an intervention with an exit-counselor and was rescued from my involvement with a Bible-based internet cult. I am in the recovery stages right now and have good days and bad days, but the good days are slowly getting more frequent. I would appreciate your prayers for me and my family as we mend what has been hurt as a result of the mind control I was under. Has anyone had any experiences with leaving a cult? I am leaning alot on God to renew my mind and my focus, any suggestions though from anyone who has been through this would really help. I don't really know anyone personally who has been through this and not many people who have not been in a cult really understand what its like.

pre-nuptial agreements

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:47:01 GMT

My fiance and I (both Christians, both in our 50's and both previously married and divorced) are considering a pre-nuptial agreement. We have begun the process and are finding it to be tedious. It may cause us to delay our intended wedding date until we can work out all the details. I have looked on several Christian websites and can not find any Christian opinions on whether or not a prenuptial agreement has any Biblical basis. Does anyone have any opinions, experience, advice or comments? Thanks.

husband's internet and porn addiction

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 06:12:23 GMT

My husband has an addiction to the internet in general, online gaming, and porn. We have been married for almost 9 years. In the 9 years it seems that he has gone from a devoted christian to an almost none existant one. He refuses to go to church, stating that he already knows everything. Almost all of our arguement circle around one of these three things.

Even in the first year of marriage my husband would stay up late 4-5am (he was laid off)either playing games or surfing the web. At that time when ever I would make a comment about how it was not right for him to be staying up so late he would get very deffensive. Later I found out why. He had an array of burned cd's with pornographic material and his history was always cleared. I made a huge mistake early on in our marriage and I am embarrassed to say I even allowed this. My husband kept complaining about me not being open to watching porn and would call me a prude and so on.

At one point I had broken down and watched with him...stupid, stupid, stupid! This only lasted a month or two. I hated it but tried to pretend that I was okay with it. After the month or two I couldn't do it anymore, which made my husband even more upset and defensive. Then started the never ending cycle. I would get really mad and he would finally say it was wrong and show remorse and say he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it anymore. Then I would find out a few months down the road that he never stopped or that it only slowed down for a week or two. Then i would get upset again.

8 years later we are still doing the same thing. However I have turned into a paranoid person with low self esteem. The last year I have threatened to leave probably more than five times all because of this. Everytime he acts like he doesn't care, stating that I am blowing it all out of proportion. I am tired of this. I can't afford to move out and I don't want to. We have two kids and I do love him very much. This last episode happened this week, the one before that last month. I totally lost it this time. It seems the only way to get through to him is or at least get him to admit that what he is doing is wrong, I have to fall apart. I told him this time that if he didn't think it was a big deal than it would be okay with me talking to his father about it who is a deacon at our church. He then said that he would tell his dad how crazy I was because of how upset I get.

He puts this all on me. At first it was because we weren't doing it enough. then it was I wasn't open enough, then it was an "accident", and the excuses go on. Now he just doesn't care, this last time he cherry picked what he deleted off his history and changed all of the passwords. He states that I am snooping and that it is wrong of me to do that. He also found some way to make me feel guitly about not "trusting" him. How am I suppose to trust someone that keeps screwing up and deceiving me.

To make matters worse, he is in law enforcement and is always having girls flirt with him very directly, give him numbers, etc. One of them even is a friend on his facebook now. She initiates confersation with him on facebook. Of cuorse my husband says she is "just being friendly". This women use to be a neighbor and when we met her she had knocked on our door in snowy weather wearing a mini skirt and platforms. My husband never talked to her again until facebook, however she came to our house a few more times when he was gone and I spoke with her breifly. If she was just being friendly why wouldn't she of asked me to be a friend on facebook too, I the one that talked to her almost every time she came over? My husband says I am being Jeaslous. This has nothing to do with that, it has to do with the fact that it does not look good.

Is it wrong of me to set up things to monitor his activities with out him knowing? Is there anything that I could be doing, I asked him to get help and go talk to a christian counselor but he doesn't think he has a problem and he says "I am not going to talk to a hypocritic pastor who I know very well is doing the same thing". Obviously threatening just makes me feel worse since he acts like he doesn't care.

My friend's 16 yr. daughter is using tampons although she is a virgin!?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 19:27:23 GMT

My friend's 16 yr. daughter is using tampons although she is a virgin. Her mom talked to her about that, and she asked me to discuss this issue with her as well (I have medical education.) It looks like that her daughter made already her mind on this. The girl is very active in the youth ministry, loves the Lord and has very impressive understanding on spiritual matters. About the tampons, she said that does not see anything wrong since she does not sin, and she mentioned that other girls in the church use tampons as well! Her mom and I think that is not appropriate for a virgin to use tampons, but so far our discussion with her does not bring any success. What do you think about this?

how can I get my wife to respect me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 16:25:36 GMT

we are currently separated. we have had some difficult times through our 10 yr. marriage that has lead her to an affair with my younger half brother. who is 19 years younger than her. she doesn't seem to want to break that connection she has with him. I have been praying for both of them to understand the biblical and moral principles that they have both broken. that her heart would soften so that we can reconcile our marriage. I have been reading Love Must Be Tough and that just seems really difficult. She has gotten a lawyer to start our divorce. Her family & mine are completely unsupportive of any of her actions. As much as they are all not giving her any support and trying to encourage her to reconcile her marriage, she isn't listening. She just claims that she wants to be free and not be married. But yet the last time I was at the home over Easter weekend we laid in bed together to take a nap & had intimacy. Can you please help advise me on how I can regain her trust & respect to rebuild our marriage. My christian counselor says that I need to move back in the house and tell her that I am getting the house ready for sell and move forward. She can't buy the home without her parents assistance. As of right now her parents aren't helping her.

How long do I 'hang in there'?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 30 May 2010 18:58:36 GMT

Hi everyone. I just joined in, because I hurt so much and need sisters and brothers to pray and hold me and my husband up to the Throne. We have been married for almost 38 years - July 1 is our 38th anniversary - and are separated. It wasn't even planned or discussed, it's a kind of wierd thing. Because of certain family stressors with a disabled son who demands a lot of attention, and the type of work my husband does - he is a consultant/counselor/trainer - over the years this has taken a tole on our own relationship. There never seemed to be time left for us, or energy, and the peace level in our home was close to non-existent because the atmosphere was the same as what he works in every day. So there rarely was any 'breaks' in a 24 hr period. As a result we just grew apart, finding less and less we could enjoy to do together...over this last year due to a move we had made in hopes of starting fresh, the economy bottomed out (which we all know) and my husband had to travel to find work contacts. Due to my own job at that time I stayed put, and in time husband found work in another state. I hated it, and missed him so much. We emailed and texted and occassionally were able to see one another briefly, but for the most part we lived apart for almost 9 months. Meanwhile I lost my job and went on unemployment, and finally we saved enough to move me to where he was. But by this time I could sense something different, and discovered that he and one of his coworkers had become friends, which escalated to more over the 9 months. We are both well aware of what the Word says on marriage, and over the 3 months since my discovery we have had discussions....at first he would stay at work very late, and then he would 'couch' it at a male single friend of his because he would be too tired to come home, he said. The few times that he did actually come home our son (who is an adult but with some mental problems) would latch onto him like a puppy. Finally he stopped coming home at all at night. One day he had accidentally left his phone here and I was at the end of myself trying to understand what all was happening, and I read his texts....and discovered endearments and meetings going on between his 'coworker' and him. I wanted to just die, my heart is so broken. I have asked him if he has had sexual relations with her, he says no. He is not living with her. He said he knows something is broken inside him (there was an incident that happened 15 yrs ago that was extremely damaging to his esteem and heart, nothing to do with us as a couple) and he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I asked him if he wants a divorce, he says 'I do not want a divorce'. I asked him to leave his girlfriend, he says he loves both of us in different ways, he is not willing to break off with her. He does love the Lord, he is listening to Ransomed Heart tapes, I have tried the Tough Love approach, but I am so weak and hurt and love him so much I can't bring myself to say 'her or me, make the choice' because I am so afraid he will say in his own defensiveness and lost-ness, 'ok' and that will be it. And I will just lay down and die! He tells me 'hang in there, it will work out, I need time to figure out what has happened to me' and I try to keep my hands off. See I'm confused because he isn't saying 'forget it, I want out' or 'I want a divorce' or not communicating. He will bring over groceries, stay for awhile to watch a movie, spend time with both of our adult sons, occassionally he and I will go on a drive together, he has held me in his arms when I just can't keep my emotions in check and has said 'I'm so sorry, it's never been my intention to hurt you, I do love you, I just am so broken inside'. We have even talked a little about our upcoming anniversary. We have not had sexual relations in months. I AM JUST SO CONFUSED AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH EVEN NOW AS I AM TRYING TO SORT THIS OUT HERE I HAVE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. Am I just being blind and naive and stupid?? Am I to continue to 'hang in there' and wait for whatever the Lord is doing in his heart? I know God doesn't want us to divorce. I know that God can move mountains and create in us a clean heart and renew right spirits within us. I want to do the right thing, and I spend hours every day thinking about him and talking to God and in the Word.....I know to get counseling but I am so afraid that if I acknowledge anything openly it will be the beginning of the end....pray that my heart and spirit would be obedient to my Lord, and that I will have the inner strength and fortitude physically and emotionally to get through this. And thank you all for listening...and if there are any men out there reading this, am I missing something in not understanding how to cope with this inner brokeness he has? I know he is broken, it is not a guise, I was there when it happened. He is listening to "Wild at Heart" tapes by John Eldredge, he knows he has to be obedient to God's word, and I am willing to give him the time to seek healing. But at the same time shouldn't we be doing something to heal too? But for him to work on himself AND us ....I have challenged him to whether he FEELS like it or not obey what the Word says and come home and we will work on healing together.....he chooses to stay on his couch....

Any Biblical advice for young pre-newly-weds: finances & living with in-laws?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 05:37:09 GMT

Hi!

Ok, so here's my story (hopefully i don't ramble too much^_^):

My boyfriend and i are seriously planning to get married.

I'm 21 (22 in august) and he is 23 (24 in november). We have been dating for 2 years and 1month and we have been reading pre-marital books and are praying and seeking Godly advice. We have not started pre-marital counseling yet (waiting until engagement).

He just finished his B.A. in Psychology in May and is planning to go to grad school for his MFT at APU in the Fall. The only thing holding us back from getting married is finances.

Currently, i have a pretty good job; I'm a CNA (certified Nurse's Assistant)/HHA (Home Health Aide). I get good hours but i only make $9/hr because i'm a new employee. My boyfriend is a tutor at the community college; he makes $10/hr, but doesn't get a lot of hours and doesn't work when the school is closed for breaks. He has been searching for jobs actively since he finished his B.A., but hasn't had any promising job prospects yet.

We want to get married as soon as possible because we do struggle with affection (normal God-made desires) and we don't want to fall into sexual temptation. We have both read "I kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris when we first started dating. We knew that we wanted to date with the purpose to see if marriage was where God was leading us to so we started a courtship. Now, we're certain that God has called us to marry, but it's just a matter of waiting (which is hard for me because i LOVE to plan things).

We've sought advice from our marriage counselor at our church and he strongly suggested we be financially independent and living on our own when we get married, but also that we don't want to burn with passion while we wait. His adice is very good, i keep wondering if it would be good for us to get married (rather than burn), however we can't afford it unless we lived with my mom (+2 grandmas, +2brothers) which would help them financially and would get our finances in order.

Thank you for reading this!

Please let me know what you think. And if you could pray for God's direction and wisdom and for portection against sexual temptation i would be sooo grateful! Thank you soo much:)

-christiancross25

prayer for my adult son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 05:41:24 GMT

My Adult son that is 21 lives at home and is saving his money for a new car. He informed me last night him & his girlfriend want to live together. She is pressuring him to move out. She is not a Christian and he has left his christian faith. My heart is breaking. Thanks !

marriage falling apart because I'm not interested in sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 06:56:58 GMT

Can anyone help me figure out how to get interested in my husband again. We have been married almost 16 years...all of them have been hard. It was an abusive marriage for a long time and for a few years he was an alcoholic. Our finances are a mess and we are being evicted. Needless to say, I'm not very interested in sex. I just can't make myself want him. I can't affirm him the way he needs to be affirmed. I can tell him honestly he is good at his job, but even though he has made many changes, I can't make myself say how much I admire or respect him. I know these are the things he needs to hear. We have kids and are both believers and I don't believe in divorce, but I am upset every time we have sex. I almost never enjoy it and usually am angry afterward. I want to be able to enjoy this part of marriage, but I can't seem to love my husband. I honestly don't think I really like him. Everything has been too hard. I love my children and he is a good father. He has made a lot of changes and I think that if I met him now, I would think he is great. However, I just can't seem to find it in myself to be proud of him. I have no desire for sex, which obviously makes him feel terrible. What am I to do? I keep praying, but I guess I'm doing something wrong. I'm not going to get divorced, but I really feel stuck. Any advice? Anyone been here before?

Any suggestions on how to "re-do" our wedding night?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:54:54 GMT

My wife and I got married nearly 30 years ago. Prior to marriage, I saved my virginity so I could give it as a beautiful gift to my bride on our wedding night, and, it was what God wanted and has instructed us to do. She, too, would give her virginity to me on that special night.

During the time we were engaged, I made it very clear that I was a virgin and intended to save sex for marriage; my fiance agreed, telling me that she, too, was a virgin. And she knew that marrying a virgin was essential to me, as I believed in God's command that sex outside of marriage is a sin. On our wedding night, however, when we were ready to "consummate our marriage" through sexual intercourse, I said to my new bride, "Aren't you happy that we each waited until our wedding night to make love?" She did not respond, and, while she was in my arms, began to nervously squirm around. I knew that something wasn't right, but I did not say anything to her regarding her non-verbal response to my question.

Many years later, my wife told me that she had had sexual relations with former boyfriends before she met me. Although I was crushed by her admission, we prayed about it, she confessed her sins to God, and we have moved on. She has been a wonderful Christian wife and mother for the entire thirty-plus years I have known her, and I love her more than anything.

My wife and I recently renewed our wedding vows. Although that experience was very meaningful and beautiful, it made me begin to think about how meaningless our wedding night was 30 years ago, since in was not based in truth.

My wife and I would like to do something to "re-do" our wedding night (yes, even though we've been married thirty years!), and this time, do it right. We realize that we can never take back our first time making love, but we would like to do something special to celebrate our recent renewal of vows.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions as to what we can do (in other words, to plan a very special night -- sort of a "second-time-around wedding night," to help us "regain" what we lost through the first one due to the lack of honesty that occurred that night? In other words, help us plan that special evening, one in which we can celebrate our being "one flesh," with God as the center of our marriage.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Photos for husband?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:50:45 GMT

I was wondering if it would be wrong to take pictures of myself for my husband for a calendar? Pictures in lingerie (NO exposed body parts), swimsuits, pics of me in his shirt. Stuff like that? I guess the swimsuit pictures would have the most exposure.

Does the pain ever go away?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 22:13:00 GMT

I am sure I am not the only one suffering from what I am calling PTAD. Post traumatic affair disorder. Late last year my husband had an affair with a family friend. While the affair is over and my husband and I have completed seven months of counseling, I suffer with the visuals of the details. I close my eyes when I am with him and I see him with her. I see the things they did with each other. I know she was in "my place". A husbands body should never be shared with any other woman. I strugle with the things he may of told her or vice versa. I know this was false intimacy and that the things they did together was all fake. They both were desperate. My husband moved to our new state before the rest of the family to secure employment and she was recently divorced. She is also old enough to be his mother. I just don't know how to handle the images. I can not get rid of them. My husband is repentative and knows he made the biggest mistake of his life and wishes he could change it all. He sees how damaging this is to me. But the fact is, it will never go away. It will always be there and not be erased. I pray and stand on the word, but honestly the pain is so real and so there. Am I alone?? Does this pain and these images ever go away?
'

Overweight Wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:17:42 GMT

I have known my wife for 20 years. Both she and I have always been "larger" people. I certainly have an above average body mass and am indeed overweight. I have always had the advantage of "carrying my weight" fairly well. It is spread fairly proportionately over my body, as opposed to the majority of it being settled in one area, such as my stomach. If I were to lose 50 pounds, I would probably appear to most as being close to "average" or "slightly stocky" in build. My wife, on the other hand, has a more severe weight problem. Her weight is also spread fairly proportionately over her body. However, because she is probably closer to being 150 or more pounds overweight, and because of the way body fat typically settles in a woman's body, she has a very large tummy and hips. The appearance of her face and neck are also greatly affected.

Still, my wife is a beautiful person. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She has a gracious, kind, and giving spirit. She is a very enjoyable companion and we share many common interests. Most importantly, she is a wonderful mother. I sometimes marvel at how God has blessed our son with such a loving, attentive mother. In all of these ways, she brings great joy and blessings to our family.
In the beginning I had convinced myself that my wife's weight problem was something I could overlook - could live with - and that it would not be an obstacle in my ability to find her attractive as a wife and to have a complete, fulfilling marriage. Almost from the beginning this turned out to be a major challenge for me.

Eventually, the excess weight began to significantly impact our ability to share a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, and it pains me greatly to confess this, the visual stimulation that I get from my wife is very counter-productive to the sexual stimulation I need to physically perform sexually. This situation has caused serious problems for our marriage. I have almost constantly struggled with anger over the situation. I have allowed this anger to affect my willingness to express non-sexual affection. I have also almost totally withheld any attempts to engage in sexual intimacy with her. This has caused her to feel hurt and rejected.

Practically every day, I pray to the Lord about this problem. I have prayed in ALL of the following ways:

-I have continually asked God to forgive me for the anger I have felt and expressed over this situation as well as for the times I have failed to resist temptation and use selfish means to "cope" with the frustration in a solitary fashion.

-I have prayed that He would help me to keep my focus on the positive aspects of our marriage to the point where I would not be bothered by her weight and that I could indeed perform sexually and that this would provide fulfillment for us both.

-I have prayed that He would help me to see sexual fulfillment as a MUCH LESS important matter and that both of us could find contentment and fulfillment in a platonic marriage.

-I have also prayed that, if it is His will, then my wife's appearance and weight would change to improve this situation. This has not been my emphases, though, as I feel it is best to ask God to deal with me and the problems I might be having in this area.

I am losing hope and losing faith that this situation is ever going to change. It's such a struggle. Resisting temptation is something I WANT to always do. But it's getting more and more difficult. I give my marriage over to God and I'm to be content with WHATEVER he gives back. But what if THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS? It feels like a life sentence. PLEASE HELP!

Problems Communicating With Your Spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:27:57 GMT

This forum feature is currently unavailable. We expect to have more information for you soon. Thanks for your understanding!

********************************************************

It's not surprising that some of Focus on the Family's most popular resources have to do with the way men and women communicate. Where do you and your spouse struggle to communicate?

Let one of our ministry counselors offer you support and encouragement for this common marriage struggle.

Money just runs through his fingers

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:15:21 GMT

My husband and I have married just over a year now. I raised two kids on my own and purchased a house, which I've been in now, for 15 years. I've learned how to manage money fairly well. I pay my bills, do tithes and offerings, and have excellent credit. My husband has lousy credit, though he's working on it. When we first married, I did something stupid and took out a home equity loan and paid off his truck. I really wish now I'd let him work to pay it off, but you live and learn. He has a $10,000 student loan from a course he took before I knew him that was never completed. He is self-employed and has this goofy idea that he can spend his money how he chooses and then come to me to pick up the slack. He even thinks that most, if not all, my assets should go to him in the event of my death. I have a $50,000 policy I took out very cheaply at the bank and once I get 401K at my new employer, he will be the receipient of that in the event of my death. Other than that, I think the rest should go to my kids for now. Once we've been married a while longer, I'm open to further consideration.

I have been working on teaching him to be responsible for his own spending. My paycheck currently goes to an account he doesn't have access to because, without it, he'd dip into it as he has frequently in the past, for some item he's just gotta have, i.e., pay off a $400 bet, lend a friend $400, purchase a $300 toy, and $200 in lottery tickets. He seriously has some growing up to do and I hate it that our money can't work together as it should. I was giving each of us a weekly allowance and paying for gas in his vehicle but told him I won't be doing that any longer. I don't think he believes me.

When he gets money from his jobs, he pays on his own credit card, which I encouraged him to get so he'd stop coming to me, wanting money for materials. He's always late on it. He occasionally gives me money for household expenses and takes me to dinner. He'll buy whatever clothes or gadgets he wants and the like. He is not interested in mutual decisions about how to handle the money, so I've stopped pushing for it. I just pay the bills with my check and stash some away in a savings account that he also does not have access to. He knows about these accounts and it makes him angry, but I don't know that I have any other choice.

We filed jointly last year. This year, I am considering filing head-of-household. I really hate this idea, but last year, he had people work for him and didn't take taxes out on them so they'd work for him. This will count as his income instead, of which, taxes will have to be paid. He also hasn't done a good job of keeping his receipts for tools and the like, so business expenses won't be deducted properly either. I don't want to drive an even bigger wedge between us, but I don't want to be held accountable for his irresponsibility. If we file jointly, I'll have to pick up the financial slack and also risk the IRS coming after me for his mistakes.

He also doesn't carry liability insurance on his business, so I am concerned he could make a mistake and someone come after me for the house.

We love each other, but he is so childish. I'm hoping he grows up, but in the meantime, I don't want to be the mommy.

Infidelity - Pornography, Emotional Affairs and Cybersex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:20:31 GMT

Infidelity can take on many forms including pornography addiction, emotional affairs and cyber sex. Have any of these issues affected your marriage? How did you handle them? Are you still struggling with them and don't know what to do?

Let one of our ministry counselors offer you online counsel and encouragement.

Husband is youth pastor and having emotional affair, possibly more

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:21:17 GMT

My husband is having an emotional affair and possibly more from what I can tell. He is a youth pastor and we had a young girl living with us to help her get closer to God. I noticed he was getting really close to her, trying to meet all her needs, even before mine, even touching her playing around. I put my foot down and told him to stop doing that. He stopped as far as I could see. Well the emails got worse though. They talk all the time and email and text, but I thought it was normal since she lived with us and was his assistant in running the youth. Then I found emails where he was saying that she meant the world to him, and he couldn't put it in words, but he loves her so so much he can't explain it and that he will be there for the rest of her life. He also put in love you your brother xxx. I think he did this to make him feel better like he wasn't doing anything wrong as long as he put from your big brother or I love you like my sister. Anyways, it got bad where we met with our pastor and his wife to discuss. He denied it was wrong for the longest time, then he admitted it was wrong. But, during the counseling, he got very defensive towards me. He had started doing this when the truth came out about the letters and I went to our pastor for help. He struck back at me with his words. I discussed with not to be up late watching tv with her. He would talk to her more than he would me. When I wanted to talk, he would say he was tired and go to bed. I told him to stop the emailing when it started, but he didn't.

I told him a few days after our counseling that I thought it would be better if she didn't come back with us (she went to a youth camp for 3 mths(left early March)) for the sake of our marriage and he blew up. He got really upset, like he couldn't believe it and said I was selfish and only cared about myself and I don't care ffor the ministry. I felt he put the ministry before our family, our ministry is very demanding, and this isn't the first meeting regarding his balance with our family.

This happened beginning of March 2010 and we are now in April, and he wants to separate. At first I was the one who wanted it after the letters because of lack of trust after telling him not to do that again. But, then 3 days into it, I realized I should fight for our marriage because we have 4 children (2, 12, 13, and 14), well he never let go of separating idea from the beginning when I first said it. He wants to separate only after me saying that I don't want her coming back to stay with us. Now he is saying it's because I don't want hte ministry or care about the youth and not because he got mad that he was confronted on his issue. I admit, I did complain about the ministry, we were seriously off balance, but I went to church 3+ times per week, he went 5+ times per week and not including the weekend events, birthday parties of members, etc. I tell him how can he so easily give up on his family, he said he will still be there for the kids, I said what about me, I am your wife. HE is very cold towards me now. AT first he was angry, but now he is just cold and heartlesss. He actually drove me around today looking for my apt for me and the kids. He doesn't even care about the apt much or mention anything about moving in with us after the few months of separation that he wants to do. He originally told me he wants to separate for a couple of months, and see what happens. No mention of him in our future plans anymore now. I started crying while apt hunting, and after finding some were too expensive, I asked what do I do, he told me, "well, until you quit crying then you won't be able to find any". This hurt me so bad that he has gone this far. He cares so much about this person's feelings that he even told her about the letters after our counseling meeting. I didn't think it was her business for him to tell her. He said he asked her if it meant anything bad to her or gave her the wrong idea. This past weekend he even took 2 other girls form the youth to the movies with our 12 year old daughter. I told him not to, and he did it anyways. I told him I don't think this is right. He said it isn't wrong. He said that me and everyone else wants to block everyone else out from his life and that we are just pushing him further away from me. When he prays in the morning, he can come to me right after and say, we need to find my apartment and my own car. He was driving around this young girl who lived with us, everyday to and from work and didn't get to work until 10am. But, because my car broke down, he has to take me and 3 of the kids to school. He said he is tired of cheauffering us around (after a week into it) that he is getting to work late. He gets there now between 9:00 - 9:45 the latest. He told me he wasn't doing his job right and that now he is focuing and balancing his work. Why are we a burden all of a sudden!? I also need to mention that he has had a past with adultery in our marriage, several times. I only know of 1 time, where he left us for the other woman (he also had a bad drug addiction), but he came back when he fell on his face. He didn't admit to the other ones, until years later, which I also forgave him for.

Now, he is saved, was preaching from the pulpit until about 2 weeks ago when he decided we were not going to go to that church anymore (where he was the youth pastor). This was right before he told me he wants to separate. I told him you are suppose to be there for me and if you say that I am not serving God like you want me to, then win me over to the Lord. He said this is what he's been doing for the last 4 years.

I've been a faithful, loving wife. Took care of the kids, and the house and hold a full time job. He had a full time job too and did the youth ministry, but he was very off balance, now he lefft the church, refuses to answer the pastor's phone calls now, has been constantly lying to me about everything from emails, texts to finances. I don't know what to do. I have pretty much made up my mind about getting a divorce later after everything calms down because even in Christ, he can still do this to me and the kids after all the other times. After he comes down from teh pulpit preaching to all the youth and living in sin. I just haven't proven yet about the physical part, but I believe it's there. He will never admit to it until I catch him.

What bothers me so much is how he is so willing to give up on me. Say, even if I wasn't serving God like he wanted me to, that's not a good reason to leave me and the kids. Again he always says, he isn't leaving the kids. That we need the separation for joy and peace because all we do is fight. I don't get him. He makes me question myself because he blames everything on me. My sister had to tell him today to quit blaming me that I did my job as a wife, took care of the kids, house, and had a full time job so that he could just go to work and concentrate on the ministry.

He and this other youth spent a lot of time together everyday, he says they are just friends, but now I believe it's something more. Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don't want a divorce, but I believe that he has cheated on me not only emotionally but physically and I told myself I would not put up with it again. Am I wrong for not wanting to continue our marriage because of this, not only because he doesn't want to anyways. I am 31 and he is 34 and we just hit our 16 year anniversary last month.

Faith tested

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:41:16 GMT

Searching for prayers and advice... Here's my story (long)

At the end of October, my husband of 14 years and father of my 3 young children, decided to move out. I found out he was having an online affair with someone in another country. I went to the hotel and asked him about it. The next day he moved back in so that we could try to work things out. For nearly 2 months things were wonderful. A few ups and downs, as expected. During the course of this time, I discovered he had applied for a passport, searched for flights to the other country, among other things. He came up with good reasons for all of it. Meanwhile, he promised the kids and I that he would never leave again, we would always be a family and he regretted his actions. He even brought up the subject of having another baby (and did/said some many other things that led me to believe there was nothing to worry about and we were well on the road to recovery).

Fast forward to mid December... one day he went to work and never came home. I discovered he got a personal loan, quit his job of 10 years and purchased a plane ticket. By this time, he was already in the other country with her. Not only did I not have a job (housewife for the past 10 years), he left us with almost no money. 10 days later, he called for the first time. His explanation was it was something he had to do. He said that while he was back home he was "biding his time" until he could leave. As you can imagine, the kids and I are devastated. He has told me that we are done. His plans as where to live (with her) are unknown at this time. It feels like he's leaning toward living in the other country, far away from his children.

His mother died recently, he is now back in this country for a month, and will be receiving an inheritence. I had no choice but to file for legal separation in order to get some financial relief. It's not what I wanted. In a few days, the kids and I plan to go to the funeral, he will be there. I will remain civil, but so far he has been very self-centered and quick to be rude, on the phone. I do not want a divorce, I still love him deeply. I'm torn between letting go, moving on or holding on to hope. I have rediscovered my relationship with God, He is my strength through this. My faith is being put to the test.

If this situation wasn't bad enough, it's been one blow after another for us. For example, just this morning, I got a call informing me my grandpa is having health issues. So I rushed to the ER and just got home some 12 hours later.

For those going through difficult times because of infidelity and separation, how long until you begin to let go? Other than prayer, how do you get through the day? Where do you find the strength to face another day, knowing it will be more bad news?

Husband snuffing out my life :(

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 13:47:06 GMT

Since I can't talk to any of my friends about this, I decided to come here and hopefully get some good advice.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have a 2 year old and another on the way. Divorce with kids is the last thing I want, so I'm hoping somehow the situation can improve!

The problem is that my husband is not very easy to get along with. Before getting married I had a good social life and lots of friends. I had hobbies. Then I married someone who is antisocial and abrasive. We have a group of couples that we hang with every now and then but he always leaves there thinking someone hates him or he was very uncomfortable. We've pretty much stopped going to church. We aren't in small groups anymore (because he just can't fit in). I am with my son 24/7 and never get any help. I feel like a single mom! It's horrible, but my son even cries when Daddy gets home. I used to go to the gym because I love working out, but my husband just accuses me of going there to get hit on so it really took the fun out of the whole thing. Now I don't do anything for myself.

My husband has a really good job that I fear he might lose because he can't get along with his boss. He's very prideful and doesn't do well with authority and/or criticism. He doesn't get along with many people at work.

I'm having a very difficult time connecting with him. He often snaps at me when I ask a question. He hates my parents and pretty much my whole family so I've lost relationships there too. HIs parents are the only people in the world that he likes. He wants to move away "to get away from all this @!%(" which means all the people that don't like him. He wants to move away from all of our friends and my family to start over. He somehow thinks we will make all kinds of new friends if we move away.

I could go on all day. Im so frustrated I can't stop thinking about leaving him. I've lost my friends, my hobby, my family, and myself.

caught wife with toys

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:59:57 GMT

Today I was looking for something in our closet and found two ****** that belong to my wife. When I confronted her on it she admitted that they were gifts/jokes froma few non christian friends of hers. She said she has used them (only twice) which I am not sure if I believe that. She did not see anything wrong with them but has agreed to toss them seeing as I told her it hurt me real bad to have found them. Part was becasue of the secrecy of it and secondly was just becasue she was using them. She said she thought of me while using them but I have no way of really knowing that. I feel like in part she cheated on me in some weird kind of way.

We are both working on our sex life and I know we need to have sex more, but this event has really hurt me. Am I crazy? I know most guys would find this sexy but for me it is a real issue. I would welcome some advice, especially from a woman.
Please help!

Here is my story...I feel like I am loosing it

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 19:24:28 GMT

My story is very similar to many who have posted. My husband told me he didnt love me anymore at the end of May. Two days later wanted to work it out. Was very sorry and cried and cried during long talks. I asked him if there was an OW and he said no...several weeks later he confessed of another woman (an EA). I, through the whole thing have told him I love him and that I know God brought us together and we needed to put him back in the center of our marriage and we could work it out. That evening of the confession she called on his phone while he was sleeping and I answered it. I woke him up and made him leave.

He has since come home and promised me NC with her and we started going to church and for the first few days it was wonderful. He then started to act funny, to the point where I didnt want to come home. He confessed that he had called her and misses her, so again, I had him leave but this time my anger overcame me and I threw things at him, threw his keys in a field, threw his wedding ring in the back yard and made a fool of myself.

I then started to fill out divorce papers. I had him come over so we could agree on them a few days later. He stated that he didnt want to do anything rash. I have basically went NC with him and since I have, he has called several times a day, found excuses to come by and we have been sleeping together. He has aquired a storage facility but has not moved anything.

I have never spent more time in prayer as I have in the last three months and I know God is with me and helping me through this. I want my husband to come home so badly...but I have not heard from him today or yesterday, which is totally out of character for how he has been in the last couple of weeks. In fact, on Tuesday he told me he loved me and has been making comments about when he comes home. I really think he is spending time with her and it s eating me up. I know I have to hand this over to God and I am certainly trying.

I read the posts and am not even certain how to pray...I pray for his soul and hers...I pray constantly to bring him home if it is Gods will...I also prayed for his comforting arms to hold me up...and I know that is working because i am stronger.

On some sites it says if he is unwilling to give the OW up, go NC. I am afraid if I do I will lose him. Is this the answer?

I was unfaithful, now my husband hurts me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:51:00 GMT

I've been married for over 10 years now. I was unfaithful about a year ago. We have 2 little kids and decided to stay in the marriage because it was the right thing to do. I confessed my sin (with details because according to him this is what the counselors recommend - to come out completely clean) to my husband and he said he forgot me. But for almost 3 months he would insult me, scream at me, push me, etc. He would almost do this at night, so he won't let me to sleep. (He has problems to sleep almost his entire life). We were going to counseling, but we stopped because he thought that the counselor always took my side. At the beginning I know I was a cold, and didn't have the conviction to work in the marriage. I didn't go anything wrong, but I was like a machine, I did things because they needed to be done. But after a few months I was convinced that I did the right thing by stayind in the marriage. I didn't care about the insults, and fights, I thought that I deserved it because I was the one that, in first place, did someting wrong. I basically, still have a strong feeling of ashamed and guilt. My husband and I were leaders of our church. We moved from that church because everybody found out about the affair. So it's hard to work on something when everybody knows. His family hates me. I don't want to go to his family's reunions because of all the things they say. I just think is healthier to avoid uncomfortable situations (and because I don't want to face their anger - I'm afraid I guess). I don't stop my husband to go to his parents and take our kids there. However, we're not a happy couple. It doesn't matter if I get home a little bit late, if I'm in the internet, if I don't go to sleep when he goes to sleep, anything will triguet it to start a fight. He keeps insulting me, keeps asking me about the past, he want to know more details (I already told him everything when I confessed it), how, where, why, etc. I usually preffer to stay quiet or telling him that that's not correct or healthy anymore. that we should try to forget, etc. He gets very aggresive and pushes me if I walk away (I just hate that type of confrontation), screams at me, he won't let me go to sleep. I finally said last night that if he couldn't overcome his thoughts and couldn't control his anger, that the "best" (I'm not sure of anything anymore) thing to do was to split. He called me stupid, etc. He said that I couldn't do that to the kids, etc. I know the best option for our kids is a marriage with both parents together, but I'm so physically, menthally and emotional tired of this situation. How can our kids grow up in a atmosphere like this. He always asks me for forgiveness, and I forgive him, then the next day or next week or next time it would be the same. It has been a year of insults, etc. I still can overcome my guilt and he doesn't help when he keep reminding me or yelling at me "HOW COULD YOU". Yes I could I. We are both Christians, we trust in the Lord that everything would turn our good, but sometimes I think we can deal with his anger and he can't forget. I'm afraid that I'm about to crash. I'm nearly about to have a nervous breakdrown. Please HELP!

I need advice on how to confront my husband?!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 20:23:30 GMT

I'm at a loss right now of what to do and who to talk to . . . My husband and I have been married 5 years on the 26th of this month, which should be exciting, but I am very hurt by him right now. I haven't really spoken to him in weeks, and I am very short with him. The problem is, I feel like he's clueless, and/or doesn't care. We have 2 kids (3 1/2 yr old and 7 month old) and have been through our share of ups and down, so this isn't our first big fall out.

I recently found some pornographic movies downloaded onto our computer, and then "kind of" deleted. Now when I say "kind of", I say this because he's very smart about computers and I feel like he's not stupid enough to make a mistake in deleting them. I found the file for one of them right on the desktop of the computer screen. I almost feel like he left traces of them for me to find. So I'm not only hurt by the fact that he did it, but my imagination is letting me think that he has let me find out about it. The more searching I did, the more hurt I got, because he's been doing this for about a month, possibly longer.

We were both raised in christian homes, and he's been struggling for a couple years now with his walk in Christ and feeling incompitent as a man of God. I feel like through this I've been a good support and encouraged him and done my best to be a help not a hindrance. No matter what I do, good or bad, it was overlooked by him.

Of course there's layers to this story and I don't want this to go on forever, I really would like some advice and/or prayers of how to confront him. I just get nervous when I think about doing it, because it's going to lead to a big discussion and because I'm so hurt right now I can't even foresee wanting to let him touch me again.

I do love my husband, but I just hate what he's done to our relationship.

Urgent prayer needed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 19:19:19 GMT

My husband and I are separated. He has said he wants a divorce. I know God’s heart and will is for reconciliation. He has been having an affair for the past year with a girl from our church. It came it out into the open about 2 weeks ago. They are claiming to have no contact but I have seen evidence that they have continued to contact each other, although the girl appears outwardly to be trying to make things work with her husband. I have shown love, compassion and forgiveness to my husband. He called yesterday asking for money, and I agreed to make payments, but not to him, directly to the companies. He made several threats in regards to our future and finances, and was extremely angry to the point of being cruel. He is attempting to put us in a severe financial bind. I need a miracle! Please pray that God will change his heart, and he would repent and submit to God’s will, and return to the marriage. Please pray that God would protect me and our child and give me wisdom and grace to deal with the situation.

I am leaving...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:29:42 GMT

After 21 years of marriage and 4 children I have decided to walk away from my marriage. I love my husband and I am sure that he loves me. It all sounds crazy and that is what he tells me, I am crazy.

We have had issues in the past 2 years that after going to counseling for a year I feel that we will never agree to each others decision's.

Five years ago we moved our family away from my family because of looking for work. Although I have enjoyed the new area I have also missed my mother and sister and hometown church. Last year, we went through bankruptcy, his father's death and seeing our oldest daughter go away to college. I am aware we have been going through alot of transition. But our conflicts are in the middle or our relationship. How to spend our money so that we don't ever face bankruptcy again; moving from our house to a smaller apartment because our second daughter is now going away to college and it will just be us and the 2 younger kids in a 5 bedroom, 3 full bathroom, 3 dining rooms, family room and living room house. The house is too big for us now and it is expensive to live in. I have felt that he doesn't hear me, I want to spend less money to be able to afford the kid's college. At this point I hate the house because I feel that because of it it has caused so much trouble. At times he has been vindictive and hurtful and doesn't see it, he seems to put the blame of me when things go wrong. Although we have been married for 21 years the past 8 years I have felt lonely.

I am now leaving with the 2 youngest kids to an empty apartment (I have chosen to leave all the furniture behind so that he doesn't feel I am taking things), and he has told me that the courts will return the kids back to him after they hear who I really am. If I was so bad like he says, why did he stay with me all these years? I thought he was happy.

We are both Christians, but he has refused to meet with the pastor for additional counseling. Our marriage counseling with a professional counselor has been one of pointing fingers at me and saying he doesn't understand me but refusing to hear me when I talk. He says I always lie and have a different motive that I don't want to disclose. I have no motives, I have always been honest.

Eventhough I have chosen to leave for peace so that the kids don't have to hear us yell at each other, I am terrified to be alone. I have chosen to stay in the same town so that the kids can see him instead of going to my hometown and being with my family, all I have are co-workers and some ladies from church. I don't think anyone understands how scared, lonely and sad I am.

Can anyone understand?

I would like reconciliation eventually, but he says that when I leave it will be over permanently. I have to consider his threat to be real and know that our marriage may be over.

husband having affair and wants divorce...any hope??

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:51:13 GMT

Hi,

I really need some help and advice, especially from fellow Christians. So, I recently found out that my husband of almost 2 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. When I first found out about the affair, he claimed it was just feelings, and now suddenly it has escalated into them being in love with eachother. This woman that he is having an affair with is terrible. She was engaged, while she was having an affair with my husband, and knew that my husband was married and had a baby at home. What kind of a woman pursues a married man?! Well, my husband and I have been having a really tough time. There were times when he would say "I want my family back", but he would make no actions to do so. He knows that in order to have any chance with his family, he must quit his job, change his phone number and seek Godly council. But, whenever any of that would come up, he would turn very angry and just say, "I never loved you", "Our marriage has always been terrible", "We were never meant to be". I sought Christian counseling, and I was told that he needed to be the one to leave his job on his own accord, otherwise he would always blame me and hold me accountable for his unhappiness.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I approached my husbands mistress about a month ago, and told her to leave my husband alone. Yet, she has begun to pursue him even more. I feel as though she is only doing this, because her fiance left her, due to the affair and she's lonely. She has no family here, and so therefore she is getting the love and attention she needs from my husband. My husband has become so clouded by this woman, that he has actually been convinced that she is a good woman and that he should turn his back on God. He isn't talking to anyone that has Christian advice, and is only talking with people who won't discuss his affair. He won't even let anyone mention her name...because if she gets brought up, he'll just shut down.

Within the past three weeks, he's become even more and more distant from myself and our marriage. He won't answer any of my phone calls, and will respond with a text if I call him. He has a family member come and pick up our child so that he can have time with him and not have to see me. He keeps telling people that its abusive being around me, but thats only because he doesn't want to have to face his sin. He's told me that he hates my family and wants nothing to do with them, and that this other woman makes him happy. Our marriage wasn't a bad marriage, things did move very fast for us, and we do have communication issues, but it wasn't a horrible marriage. Now when couples counseling is brought up, he'll say that he only wants to go to counseling to discuss the situation with our child. I don't know how to get him to see that this woman is just going to leave him for the next guy that comes along and that he'll be left with nothing. I don't understand how he can't understand the implications and ramifications of a divorce. I don't want a divorce. He won't say what he wants definitely, but he will say that he's not happy and that we were never right for one another, which just isn't true.

My husband claims that he's been going to counseling weekly, although I feel as though if he were seeking counseling, the counselor would tell him to get away from his mistress. Instead, his counselor claims to have told him to not give into me, to not let me tell him that his affair is wrong, to tell me that I'm turning him into less of a man by being controlling and manipulative and so much more. None of this sounds like good sound advice to me, instead, it has made my husband even more angry with me and with God, which is why he has run away from us.

I love my husband more than anyone in this world, but he doesn't believe me. I want our marriage to work, and I want God to strengthen our bond. I want my husband to walk away from all of his sins, and come back to being a good Christian man. I know and admit that I haven't handled this affair and situation in the best or most appropriate way possible. I've been very angry and heartbroken, and totally unsure of everything. I fear I'll never be able to be intimate with him again, or even trust him again for that matter.

I need help. I need some advice on how to get him to seek God again and understand that God doesn't want him in this extramarital relationship. I need help and advice on how to get the other woman to leave my husband alone. I need advice on how to get him into a good counselor. I need advice on if I should contact his employer about the affair or contact anyone in general about what is going on between them. I need advice on if this is even worth fighting for. I just need some advice, because my heart is hurting way too much to deal with this every single day. I ask for prayers from everyone, and I pray that God performs a miracle in my husbands heart and makes him realize that he belongs at home.

Thanks and God bless,

KateLuke

Am I the only one?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 21:15:34 GMT

After reading through the posts I am wondering if I am the only one. I have been married ten years but I can't stand the sight of my husband anymore.

We have both been married previously, my first husband left when my daughter was two. When I met him, he was a good dad to his daughter and had been working a steady job for seven years. It seems like when we got married, that all changed. He quit his job and started to do his own business and then a DOZEN other ideas, most of which failed, consistently putting us in financial straights all the time, with his mother bailing us out several times. four years into our marriage, she got a bad cancer and died suddenly and quickly, or within a few months. This was things really fell apart.

When we married, he was a new chrisitan although our relationship started out wrong. I never pushed this-it's what he wanted. Anyway, she passed and at the funeral, he tells me he does not want to be married anymore and basically goes off the deep end for six months prior to coming to some kind of sense,which is not much, honestly. We did reconcile, somewhat hobbling through because although he was sorry and regretful for what he did (he went out with other women during our separation) he never came back to God. This was six years ago.

The past six years have been a tiring and consistent roller coatser of financial fiascos and failing business ventures, to his constant excuses as to why he can't keep a job making ten dollars an hour. We nearly lost our house once, and now he got fired-AGAIN. Oh, and by the way during this time, our two girls (neither lives with us anymore) one got pregant and aborted a child behind our back, the other was raped and molested which we found out about later, which led to a string of descrutive behavior and finally kicking one out and the other one got sent away to a girls juvenile facitly.

We are now with our son who just turned eight, and I work full time and also am trying to get my MBA. My husband cannot stick with ANYTHING for long and I am so unbelievabley sick of his excuses and not taking care of things. He never learned how to take care of a big home, and trust me-he doesn't. I am ashamed to have people here because our yard, house, etc need maintenance and he does nothing or has to be prompted by me. Now, we have to borrow money to pay the mortgage which honestly, when I look at him I want to smack him. I am also a woman with needs but he smokes and SMELLS and I have told him about this before. He is a very attractive man but the more I look at him and the fact that he cannot provide and keep himself somewhat attractive has wore me down after a decade.I keep wondering if I should have left good enough alone after we sepearted, but I can't bear to hurt my kids, even more. Please-pray for me. Belive it or not, I have to pray in the spirit just to look at him and then that helps.

I just cant see anything but a future of work, work and MORE work for ME if I stay. I also wanted to add that I hope this does not come off as so horrible. I do love my husband but have just lost all respect for him after all this time.

Are My Concerns Valid?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 17:54:46 GMT

I have posted on here one other time, and rather like the anonymity that comes with sharing and getting responses. It’s nice to know that I can expect honest answers from men and women who also walk with God. Reading and commenting on other posts confirms that I can get good advice here and encouragement.

With that being said, I struggle with my husband on quite a few things and I sometimes wonder if they are even valid concerns, and if they are, how do I approach him without leading to an argument? There is already a rift between us due to the inner struggles, and I want to do things right.

Lately we (more I, than him maybe) have been struggling with intimacy issues. Over the last couple of weeks I expressed some of my needs and we had a great wave of communication open and spent a great weekend together. One week and a follow up weekend and that growing rift is back. I want it gone!

I am in a very unhappy place career wise and we struggle to make ends meet it seems like every other month. Not because of my job, but because his career choice just doesn’t provide enough. He co-owns a rehearsal studio for bands and does guitar repair. His business partner claims to be a Christian, but says he can’t go to church because he always gets stomach aches when he is there. My husband refers to his job as a “God Thing” but I don’t see God in it. And for the most part, it keeps him from being with his family. He spends adequate time with our daughter because he stays home with her during the day while I am at work, but most nights as soon as I get home he leaves and goes to work as soon as I get home and does not get home until Midnight or later. Just recently they hired someone to work weekends so we could see him more so that has helped our relationship a lot. Last weekend though he spent Friday night at his partner’s house and did not come home until long after I had fallen asleep, and did the same on Sunday evening.

Saturday was rough for me because I had a discussion with my brothers about our mom and the way we all grew up. They don’t remember a lot and there are things going on for them now that they wanted some clarification on. My brothers are younger than I am, 22 and 15 years old. A lot of the things I talked about my husband had never heard before and they made him very angry. He ended up raising his voice at my brothers declaring that I am “messed up” because of my mom and he just doesn’t understand. When we went to bed he tried to play around with me and when he got no response from me and I told him that he bummed me out and I wanted to explain, he immediately shut down and told me that he didn’t care and ignored me, and left me to fall asleep by myself. I wept so hard Sunday morning at church before we took communion letting go of everything I felt from the night before, because the thing is that yes, I was messed up, but I’m not anymore. My husband however, declares these kind of things about me quite often. Derogatory statements about my past sins, my emotional scars, and the mental hang ups from my parents. I feel when he says these things, that he is chaining me to Satan’s lies. Is this my own insecurity, or a valued concern I need to bring up to my husband?

I know that he felt me cry and saw the weight lifted from shoulders during service, because he opened my door for me at church and was very loving towards me for a few hours after we got home. I was changing from lounging clothes to an outfit more suitable to go out and about in because we were going to go get ice cream, and he saw me in the shorts I was going to wear out and the tank top I was wearing around the house. I never would wear the 2 together, they definitely are not flattering, but he looked at me and said, “Wow, you look terrible.” I tried to tell him that he hurt my feelings, but it was like he was on a roll, and kept continuing to make jokes until he left to go to his partner’s house. This is something he does more often than I would like, though it is not always about my physical appearance. Sometimes it’s the way I talk, or how loud I laugh, how I drive, or even vacuum. Again, is this my own insecurity or a valued concern I need to bring up to my husband?

Throughout our marriage as our Faith has gotten stronger, I have desired for our Faith to grow together and have expressed this to my husband. I have suggested we read our bibles together, take time to pray together, do devotions together, or share with each other what we learned in our individual bible study time. I couldn’t have asked more than 10 times, but I feel as though I shouldn’t have had to ask more than twice about any of these for him to make an effort. I believe that when the Bible says we are one flesh, that we need to encourage one another and seek God together. I also was raised to believe that it was the man’s calling as the head to establish this. I don’t know if that is true, or if that was just old fashioned, but either way, it’s my desire for us to be strong in the Lord together.

Quite frequently my husband says he feels like God is calling him to do something, or God has revealed to him that it will happen this particular way. With this he makes decisions and doesn’t even tell me! Something was said in church and Sunday that led him to believe God spoke about a step that needs to be taken in his business and he made the decision Monday. Maybe God does speak that fast, but when I seek God for answers, he makes me wait awhile! As do the majority of my friends. I want to believe my husband, but I feel excluded and a little jealous that he never asks me to pray and seek God in these decisions that ultimately affect our family as a whole. Does God answer that quickly? Is it ok that my husband seeks God all the time on his own? How do I make him understand that I want him to be my spiritual partner as well? I have to be honest. I am very jealous that when our Pastor speaks about putting God in the center of your business and it will succeed, I see my husband applying it, but when our Pastor says the same thing about marriage, it seems as though he doesn’t have the time.

I would really appreciate some advice and answers!

Please help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 22:33:26 GMT

Hi. My husband and I have been married for over 16 years. I have been a stay at home mom for our entire marraige. Recently I tried getting a job, and actually succeeded. Since I have not been exposed to the work enviornment, i'm embarrassed to say I was not prepared for the kind of "attention" I received while at work. Although I was flattered I was able to ignore this "attention" from everyone except for one person. I don't know why I felt the way I felt for him, nor why i can not get him out of my mind (i quit my job because of this attraction). I have not cheated on my husband, but i can not stop lusting after this man. I have prayed, confessed, begged God to remove him from my thoughts, but I can't seem to let him go. I avoid the store that he works in at all costs, and I literally hide if i accidently run into him around town. I don't know what to do! Please help me! I feel such guilt and frustration!

My husband and I have been struggling for some years (before i got my job), and this is not making our marraige any easier. What can i do?

Prayer for my son and daughter in law

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 02:20:09 GMT

Please pray for my son and daughter in law and their marriage. There is a great deal of tension...and suspected infidelity on my son's part. They have 3 wonderful small children including one with a very serious heart condition. Please pray for this special family....they have been through so much and I believe they truly love each other, but have stopped communicating.

Husband cheated now OW pregnant

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:05:58 GMT

I recently found out about a 3 month affair my husband was having. I forgave him and was working on the marriage but about a month after I found out and he realized he was about the lose the most true love he will ever have (me) she showed up at our house with a positive pregnany test. He still wants our marriage to work and be a father to this child. (would be partial custody) He is trying to prove to me everday how much he loves me and how sorry he is. I worry that, even though I love him I won't be able to take the pain of seeing that child because we have been trying to have our own firstborn for the past year with no luck. So I was also dealing the infertility issues at the time this happened, now his first born is not with me. I am seeig a Christian counselor which does help, but the images of them together and pain of not being the one to give him our first child is so painful. Anyone have any expreiences like this or scripture to help me get past the past and deal with my pain of the future?

Living together before Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:23:13 GMT

Before surrendering my life to Christ, my fiance' and I were both living together for approximately 1 1/2 years. She led me to the Lord and since being saved, we are now engaged, still living together and I want to make it official in God's eyes. The big question is are we totally wrong for still living together? The integrity of our Christian FAITH, although we are engaged , we're not married. My fiance' tells me she is waiting for a word from the Lord, to say "now is the time" to get married. I am sugesting that I move out in the mean time, until we get

married. I love her very much and she loves me, but doing the right thing is what really matters to me in my FAITH walk. I know, some will say if you live together, it shouldn't be another brother or sisters business, becuase it will be between the person and God to settle and not to judge someones life style or anything else in that matter.

My Wife's Affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 23:08:03 GMT

A little over a year ago my wife had an affair with my brother. It lasted only two weeks before I found out, and she said she had ended it. Needless to say, my heart was crushed, for two people that I trusted most let me down the most. It was awful. My wife and I have been married for 12 years, have four kids, and I thought we had a wonderful relationship. We were both virgins when we married (this is probably one of the hardest things about the entire situation...she has been with another man) I am a teacher and bivocational pastor and my wife is a teacher. We have had a wonderful life together. We moved from one town to another to be closer to my brother, and we were staying with his wife and kids until we finished our house. We were very excited to build this relationship, but one day she was feeling down because I was busy with some things at work and he swooped in to rescure her, and in a matter of a few days had convinced her that I did not love her, she did not love me, she was terribly unhappy, and all sorts of lies that she beleived. He had convinced her that she would divorce me and he divorce his wife and they would get married. He had even formulated a plan with her as to how he would make his wife leave him and tried to get her to formulate a plan so I would be the one that would leave her. I began getting suspicious when she started acting strangely and doing things out of her character. Looking back, I knew from the get go what was happening, but I trusted my wife more than I trusted my own instincts, and I let it go. After some tough questions, she confessed to the affair, he denied it, but once he realized that I would not let it go, he finally confessed. He and his spouse have both been married before, both had cheated on their previous spouses and both had been cheated on, so adultry to them was a way of life. But to me it is the worst thing that can happen in a marraige.

My wife and I coexist right now in a good friend relationship. We are still married, and always will be...divorce is not an option...but I just don't trust her, I am not that attracted to her, she does not seem to be attracted to me either. We have happy times and moments, but ever since the affair, my feelings toward her have changed..not that I don't love her, but I find her hard to like, and I find it hard to care. I find myself angry, resentful and bitter toward her.

I do not speak to my brother at this time. We have been together and cordial at the time, but the relationship we had hope to build by living near each other seems to have no future. And at this point, that is not my primary concern, but it is certianly awkward at family gatherings with my parents and two sisters.

I have read Love Must be Tough, The Love Dare, Love and Respect, and several other books on marriage healing. I have read so many threads on here as well. I have the head knowledge that I need to move along with both the relationship with my wife and my brother, but my heart just won't catch up.

How do I deal with this?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:38:34 GMT

I have been married for six years and my husband and I are both Christians. I have two beautiful little boys. My husband is an addicted gamer, but in the last year he has really been cutting back and putting a ton of effort into church activities, working out, and family time. So I have been happy, but I have been dealing with trust issues because I have dealt with years of feeling like he has rejected me, ignored, me, and chosen games over me and our family, even his friends.

Then, a few weeks ago, he shared with me that for years he has had no desire to spend time with me. He has asked God to change his heart, but it's been a constant struggle. I'm not talking about in the bedroom, that part of our life, amazingly enough, has been fine.

Even though I guess I should have seen this, I didn't. I saw his games as something he did as a guy thing to escape stress. And yes, I did lash out at him from time to time out of pain at being ignored and rejected, but I have really tried to be a good wife and respect and love him.

This past month I have been a wreck. Every time I think I'm feeling better another wave of pain hits me. My husband says he still loves me and cares about me, but I have a hard time believing that when he doesn't even want to spend time with me. He says he still thinks I'm beautiful and is physically attracted to me, but I don't always see that in his eyes. He also told me for years he lived in doubt thinking that I had cheated on him, even though I have given him no reason to believe that and would never. ever do that.

Any ideas out there? Prayers would be so very appriciated!

Marital problems compounded by cancer/illness

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 22:48:24 GMT

I have been married for nearly 13 years to a man I should have never married. Even before we were married he lied about almost everything and was an active alcoholic. He didn't hide his drinking, but hid the amount. Unfortunately, I allowed him to move into my home thinking if I helped him (He was losing his job, being evicted from his apartment and had utilities shut off) he would appreciate me more for helping him. Years later I realized I am a classic co-dependent and of course, nothing in his behavior changed. We separated, and I filed for divorce. He got sober and began to attend AA meetings. As a Christian I did not want a divorce, so I agreed to reconcile with a list of expectations, HA!

Fast forward to now. God has worked and we are both in full time, pro-life ministry. However, because of my husband's continued dishonestly I have never been able to trust him. He apologizes, but then after a while lapses back into his old habits. I believe he is a Christian, but one who puts little time into building a relationship with Christ.

There has never been real intimacy in our marriage. When we were first together we had sex, but he has always had a problem being intimate without sexual intentions. That has left me feeling used. Frankly, I rather doubt he loves me, but is in this marriage because his life was better for it from the start and he continues to reap benefits of my higher income, friends and reputation.

As I have gotten older I simply stopped feeling anything for him. I feel sorry for him in that he is pretty crippled emotionally, but I don't love him as a wife should "love" her husband, and I have had no desire for him physically for years. Sex together has been reduced to me finally giving in to get him to leave me alone. He has dabbled in on line porn.

He was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer in 2005 and then lymphoma in 2008 for which he had chemotherapy. Both cancers went into remission, but my husband continued to smoke and lie about it which makes me VERY angry. Just recently we found the prostate cancer has metastasized to bone in his pelvic region. The only treatment is hormone therapy which suppresses the production of testosterone because that hormone feeds the cancer. No testosterone means low libido and lack of the ability to "perform" even if the libido is still there in his head.

Our marriage now is reduced to nothing. As far as he is concerned if there is no sex there is no marriage. His attitude is that he is angry at me because the lack of sex is not an issue for me. He did not tell me the Dr gave him antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. However he maintains he is not depressed and does not need support. He doesn't talk to me and he doesnt' talk to anyone else. He sits and watches sports on TV and reads one novel after another. The only connection we have is what we need to have to function. We've never prayed together, etc and the only praying is grace before meals which is pretty much standard.

Things at home have deteriorated to the point I don't want to be there, and frankly, he'd prefer I shut up and leave him alone. He doesn't want to do anything with friends or family (always been pretty much this way) unless he has to.

My husband has four grown sons and does not have a close relationship with any of them. One he speaks with on the phone, but that's it. No relationships with his four grandsons either. He tolerates the grandkids that are local.

Divorce is NOT an option. Counseling has cost us thousands of dollars with no positive results. He has no intention to change and at this point I do what I do because he is there. But, this is all very stressful and I feel as if I'm living with all this hanging over my head. Living with an angry person is bad enough, but now I have a sick, dishonest angry man who blames me in a wierd way for his current circumstances. It's as if I wished him into not being able to have sex. That's his focus and always has been.

So here goes

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 22:44:58 GMT

A little bit of a background I guess.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. 4 years ago I discovered Porn on my husband's computer. I also discovered that he had joined a support group for men addicted to porn. I really felt like the Lord was telling me to stay quiet. So for a little over a week I prayed and read my Bible like nothing else. I really wanted to obey God in this situation and not get overly emotional. Well, after a week, I felt like I had the release that I needed and I approached my husband. He told me that they reasont that he was looking was because he was having a hard time sexually and he wanted to prove that it was my weight that was the problem and not him.... He even said on his support board that he was not attracted to me because I was so overweight......I was so hurt. I felt worthless. We worked things out, got a filter and were on the road to rebuilding our marriage. But I still couldn't trust him. I constantly check the history on his computer and everytime his eyes even so much as looked at another woman I became tense and untrusting.

Well, a few months ago he asked me to install an accountabilbity filter on his and our sons' computers with me as the person who received the reports. 4 weeks ago I found a few youtube vidoes on his report. Innocent in the fact that they were not pornographic in nature but were still of "sexy women"....that was the search that he used. I showed him the report and he was broken.. he really has a problem. It started when he was a boy and his dad taught him about sex by providing magazines and videos..... which I know he watched right up until he became a Christian at the age of 18.

Well, now I feel that I just cannot trust him at all. Football season is starting up and the commercials and cheerleaders and dancers make my stomach turn. I feel so worthless and ugly and unactractive compared to those women. I also have a hard time when his Christian friends talk about how men thinking of sex all the time is natural (I say sin natural).

My husband understands how I feel, but is there anyway that I can learn to trust him again? How can I believe him when he says that he finds me attractive and that God has healed his thoughts about me.....My heart hurts thinking that he may have been looking at this junk our whole marriage!!!

Please help me...

Thanks

Husband of 9mos brings up the word "divorce" often.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 04:06:15 GMT

My husband of 9mos now often brings up the "D" word. Yes, I posted a few months back when our marriage was only 6mos and I said the same thing, that he mentioned the
"D" word often. I still don't know what to do with this. We got into a disagreement today (yes on Father's Day) about a few things, but nothing major that should indicate that we need to get divorced! His last few words tonight were that I need to decide "what" I want (as far as what we are going to divide up between us) and figure-out from there what we are going to do. Then I asked when is this going to happen and he said when he gets the money to do it and when he gets the time to do it. We have the money right now to do it and don't you think that if he really wanted to do it, he would make the time. I don't know what to do with this and am I suppose to wait until the other shoe to drop?? Really, emotionally this is hard to live like this. He even had the gull to ask me WHY I would want to continue in a marriage with someone who didn't want to be in it? He said tonight that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't want to stay in this marriage. Now what.......?? Do I just sit back and wait for papers?

talking to former girlfriend ok?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:37:57 GMT

I really need some human advice here. I am my boyfriend's second girlfriend. He dated Lisa all throughout high school. God used her and their relationship to help him get rid of the porn and other problems he was dealing with at that time. However, during their senior year, their relationship turned purely physical, and basically they did everything but sex. The summer before college, he broke things off. My problem comes in with jealousy, I guess, and I'm not sure what else. Is it right for him to talk with her now? By that I mean pretty regular, lengthy emails and occasional phone conversations? She goes to his church and is friends with his mom, so it's not like he can altogether avoid her when we're home from college during the summers. And another thought--he is my first boyfriend, so I'm not really sure how to handle this kind of situation. I've been honest with him and told him how I feel about her; and one of the things that came up during that conversation was that he really doesn't like it if certain guys from high school talk to me. Well, I guess I just assumed that he would hold to that standard himself, especially since he's not one to have a double standard. He did say that they were first really good friends, and that's how he thinks of her now; but the guys he doesn't like me talking to were my really good friends in high school. I don't know how to handle this anymore. Yes, I am praying about this, but I haven't gotten direction yet. Please let me know what ya'll think.

Looking for support

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 01:18:21 GMT

After 44 years of marriage, 4 children (in their 40's and 4 grandchildren) I finally found the courage to separate from my husband. I have been working with a wonderful Christian therapist for 5 years who has helped me tremendously with my abandonment and trust issues. I know I am as much to blame for our problems as my husband but I have a serious need to grow - as a person and mostly as a Christian. I realized that I would never be able to do this living with him and made the decision to separate. I moved out last July and after some angry weeks I knew I didn't want to be an angry person so we tried to move on as friends. This worked well for awhile but I really need boundaries and he just keeps pushing them. We agree not to divorce as we are not seeking other relationships. We did a legal financial separation so I feel independent for the first time in my 67 years. The problem seems to be my conflicting emotions. When I spend too much time with him I lose my boundaries and my sense of integrity. But when I ask for space and am alone - the loneliness sets in. I have had a difficult time learning to trust the Good Lord but I am really working on it.

I have been pretty much a loner all my life so don't have much of a support system. Guess I'd just appreciate knowing there is someone who understands or at least cares. Is there anyone here in somewhat the same situation??? I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and God bless you all and of course Focus on the Family!!!

Taking a stand

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 00:47:44 GMT

My heart breaks for the women devistated by the porn craze that seems to have been thrown at us from all sides. And to be honest I'm starting to get a little angry. Not at our husbands or at the porn industry, but at us...for not taking a stand and saying NO!!! I don't say this lightly and I'm not saying this from a person who has not been shattered from this myself. Let me give you a bit of background so you'll understand.

I've been married for 15 years and two years into my marriage I found my husband was calling 900 #s and having phone sex while I was sleeping in the other room. I won't go into the pain it caused as most of you know. For the next 11 years it went like this; I'd find something, magazines and then internet when it came into play, he'd deny it, even scream at me for not trusting him, but then when actual proof was presented then (and only then) did he confess. He said he was sorry, won't do it again, counseling was tossed in a few times and we would go on with our lives. A year or two later the cycle would start all over again, each time him denying it and lying straight to my face about it until it was an elephant in the room and he could no longer say it was not so. Well, things came to a head two years ago, when my seven year old daughter told me (while getting ready for school)that she new daddy's secret. At the time things were going well with my husband and I so I thought 'Oh, this should be cute.' So I asked her, "what's daddy's secret." She said, "He looks at naked girls on the computer." I can't even put into words the pain and devistation that I felt in that very moment. And then on the way to school she asked me, "Is daddy looking for a new girlfriend?" Again, it took everything inside me not to break down. When I confronted him about it (trying my hardest not to lose it) he said she was mistaken and she didn't see what she thought she saw. I was furious at this point because I knew he was lying all over again. I mean how can a seven year old come up with something like that. Well to make a long story short I told him he needed to get some help or I would file for a legal seperation. It was no longer about breaking my heart, but now I needed to protect my little girl (and her 5 year old sister). He started but did not finish and in my weakness I let it slide AGAIN, hoping the violation of our daughter's eyes would shake him to the core. Fast forward to now (2 years later). My oldest daughter is 9 years old now and I was reminded last month that she has not forgotten about those images. All those feelings came rushing back and I did my best to explain to my daughter 1 Cor. 6:18-20 on how our bodies are the temple of God and we need to honor Him, unfortunatley those girls were not honoring God. What a lesson to teach a 9 year old girl! I did ask my daughter if what she was talking about was something she saw recently and she said it was a long time ago. Of course time to a child feels like eternity, so i can't be sure when she saw that second image. I asked her how many times she saw those images and she said about 4 or 5 times. (Sometimes she has a hard time sleeping and will get up, this is when she saw her dad looking at the computer, but he didn't see her as he was in his own world.) Even before this, I've been feeling that my husband is back in the pornography scene. For me it's a bit different from some of you. My husband doesn't stay away from me, he does the opposite. It's degrading and unloving.

So that brings me to my question, how long are we going to ride this roller coaster? I just read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson and I agree with his statement that appeasement, even in the name of Christianity, can prove fatal to a marriage. We are not doing ourselves, our husbands, or our children any favors by just sitting back hoping it will go away. IT WON'T!!! So, with that said I am ready to take the steps in that book to try one last time to save my marriage, but in all honesty it's up to my husband. He can NOT have his sex addiction and his family, he must choose. So tomorrow, when I go to church, I'll be talking with a Christain professional to help me and counsel me while I go through this process.

BTW, has anyone else found that their little children were exposed to what my daughter was exposed to?

Suggestions re inlaws that won't let go of the ex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:29:47 GMT

We have been married now for several years. My husband divorced his wife well over 20 years ago. They had one son who is grown. I have children that are grown except my youngest who is 16. I am at a loss as my ex in laws loved me dearly. I treat my husband's parents with great respect and always respond with kindness even though they are not always kind to me. They are Christians. They continue to have his ex over at Christmas and we have to work around her schedule. My husband has discussed this with his Mom and asked her who is more important. She has told him it is a toss up. We recently had a death in the family and my husband talked to his parents about the showing. His Mom tried to talk him out of going, but now we know why. When we arrived for the viewing, they brought his ex wife. We are always kind to her, but will they ever let her go? She will never move on with her life if they hold her like this? Also, my grown children would love to be a part of my husband's family, but his parents do not invite them. We are a blended family. My children have only one grandmother left and they would love to have his parents. We took our grown children with us once uninvited just to visit and it went well, but they were never invited for the holidays which makes it difficult for us to be at both places at the same time. My husband's siblings do not feel this way, just his parents. We have invited them to our home this year for the holidays, but we received silence. Please pray that God will open their hearts. If not, help us to accept the things we cannot change.

Shattered heart

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:34:12 GMT

I'm new to posting online, I'd like to get my story out there so I hope it's ok that this is a little long. I'm thirty-five, married, two kids - thirteen year old boy and ten year old girl. We've been married for fourteen years, together for seventeen. We met when I was eighteen, got married at twenty-two and had our son the same year. Life has been a struggle.

We've worked through a lot of hard times, financial especially. We both worked our way through school and she graduated two years ago and now has a good job, I graduated last year and have a good job. For the first time in our relationship, money hasn't been a huge problem. Now the problems have gotten much worse.

About five months ago my wife, my best friend in the world, my rock, told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants to separate. I should have seen it coming, should not have been surprised, but of course I was. I am devastated. Now, let me tell you how we got to that point.

On the fateful evening that she broke the news to me I weighed about 394 pounds. I am six foot three so I can carry some weight, but that is ridiculous, I know. My life consisted of basically coming home from work and sitting in front of the television and eating. The weekends were pretty much the same without the working. I tried exercising a few times, but I would get hurt, pull my back or something, and then give up. I was disgusted with myself, but couldn't seem to get the will power to stop what I was doing. My wife has been on me for years to lose weight, she recognized that even though I was healthy in so far as my cholesterol and blood pressure were ok, it was only a matter of time before my health would deteriorate. Added to this is the fact that I was an embarrassment, I couldn't go to water parks or amusement parks or even fit into a normal booth at a restaurant. It was ridiculous. She was patient with me, encouraged me, and did everything in her power to motivate me to get in shape. I always had the best intentions, but couldn't follow through. So there is issue number one.

Issue number two is that she wanted another baby. She has, for years, wanted to have more kids and I've been completely opposed. I remembered the hard times when ours were young and selfishly didn't want to go back to them. I kept telling her that we could wait a little longer, finish school, get settled in our jobs, etc. Every excuse in the book. She had a deadline, she didn't want to get pregnant after she turned 35 because of the increased health risks for the baby. This year she turned 35.

She says that she has given up on the dream of having a baby, it's too late, and she wants her freedom. She says she's done listening to my empty promises and wants out. She doesn't feel any passion for me at all, likes me as her best friend, but doesn't want to stay married to just a friend. She wants to travel, to experience life. Although she was never big, she has lost weight and now looks better than ever. She is in a size 4. She has changed her hair, her make up, her attitude. She goes to the tanning bed. She looks incredible and gets a lot of attention. She has been in a depression and spends a lot of time in bed, on the Internet. She still reads message boards related to pregnancy and adoption and parenting, but won't even discuss it with me without a lot of anger and resentment.

We still live together, even sleep in the same bed most of the time, but she's looking for a place and plans to leave soon. Every day of the last 5 months has been terribly difficult for me. Her words, that she doesn't love me anymore, have rung in my ears every minute of every day. I spend more time crying now than I ever thought I would. Before this I hadn't cried since I was a child, now its a couple of times a day on most days. This was a huge wake up call for me. I feel like my life before this was just a dream, like I had been in a coma, just floating through life until I heard those words. I'm trying everything I know how to turn things around, but I've become my own worst enemy.

I was raised in a Christian home, but hadn't really been to Church in years. We'd tried a couple of places but never really found anywhere that we fit so we just didn't go very much. My kids hadn't been but just a few times. I've realize now just how empty and wasteful my life was. I started praying like never before, I started reading the Bible again. I started going to Church every Sunday and taking the kids. In fact we've only missed a couple of Sundays in the last 5 months. My wife won't go with us. She is very confused about God right now and says that she doesn't know what she believes and doesn't want to go to Church. She said once that she prayed for years for God to work so we could have a baby and those prayers were never answered. I feel like my inaction has permanently damaged her faith.

I also started exercising, at first just walking, but then I joined a boxing gym and started lifting weights. Today I have lost 99 pounds. Everyone I know has been amazed. This has been one of the only positive things going in my life. I run 5 days a week, lift weights 3 days and go to the boxing gym 2 evenings. I plan to be near my goal weight by mid summer. I've been a much better Dad, taking an interest in my kids lives instead of just being a fixture in the room. My wife has definitely noticed these things, she compliments me on them and tells everyone about my weight loss.

Unfortunately it hasn't been enough. I've become my own worst enemy. My heart has been so completely shattered that I can barely function. I have become so clingy and needy that I fall apart at the least thing. I have been suspicious of people she's talking too and have been watching every move she makes. I've been very afraid of an affair, especially since she has a couple of male friends that she talks to a good bit. She swears that is not the case and says she can't believe that after all this time I would think her capable of that. If she were going to have an affair she would tell me. She has always been very honest and blunt, and I know that this is probably the case. I think that trying to blame our problems on a outsider has just been an easier way for me to deal with it, rather at looking at my own role in this. The result of my pushiness, distrust, neediness, etc., has been that I've pushed her farther away than ever. I tell myself that I'm a Christian, but I haven't exhibited very much faith at all. I pray everyday for God to work in my life and in her heart, but then I think all day about how lonely I'm going to be when she leaves and torture myself with thoughts of her moving on and being with another man. I'm so afraid that she's going to find someone better than me. I know I've hurt her so much and she's given me so much of her life already. I don't deserve to be with her. I love her with all my broken heart, every little shard. I hate myself for the time I wasted and the hurt I caused. I want her back so bad, but I don't have the will power to walk away from an argument, or accept that she doesn't want me around all the time, or deal with her talking to friends without being suspicious. There is so much tension between us. There have been good moments, she has said that she still loves me, but doesn't have any passion. We've gone for a week without an argument, but then the weekends come and the tension builds. I want some sign, something that she still cares and so I push and push until she can't take it. She says she feels like a prisoner and has to escape. She says that I have her trapped because she can't live like this but she can't leave because she sees what this is doing to me.

She originally said that she would wait until March 1st to move so she would have time to save some money, but that didn't happen and she's had to push it back. Things have gotten worse between us and she is getting ready to move soon, whether she is ready or not. We haven't said anything to the kids, although I'm sure they know something, they have heard us fight even though we try and keep it away from them. She is moving because she has a long drive to work and wants to get closer, the kids will go with her during the week because they go to school where she works, but she says I can get them anytime I want and they can stay with me on the weekends. She wants me to keep the house because she can't afford it and wants us to keep the home that we worked so hard for. She's looking for a place with a 6 month lease, an apartment. These are hopeful signs that she hasn't given up on coming back. She even said that when she buys furniture she will get something nicer for the kids so if she moves back we can upgrade their rooms. Her parents seperated and got back together several times over the years, and she's mentioned that several times, this also gives me hope. They are still together today.

I've read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson, and I've read "Love Dare" about 4 times. I've read several others as well. I've talked to a counselor myself, and spent a lot of time with a good friend who is a youth pastor. I know what I should be doing. She refuses to go to counseling with me, although I think she is considering seeing someone for her depression. I feel like this is a mid life crisis for her and I know I should be giving her space, working on myself, and having faith that God's will be done. I try. I know that I have no control over what she does. I know that I've been acting like a child, whining and begging, and that I've lost all her respect. This is effecting my job, as well as my private life. I just can't seem to get my feet under me. I believe that if I'd been a man from the beginning that I would have my loving wife, my best friend in my arms right now instead of up in the bedroom, resenting being here and looking for cheap furniture online. I know that all the pressure I'm putting on her has severely damaged our chances of getting back together, and yet despite my knowledge and all my promises I keep making the same mistakes. I am completely broken inside.

I have actually felt God in my life since this started. I've felt him tell me to get up when I've been sitting in the floor crying. I've felt him whisper to me to not despair, that he can do anything. I've heard words from songs telling me he will be with me, or to endure. 1 Corinthians comes to mind daily. I know I need to have faith, I know I have to let her go, to stop torturing her and myself. It's just so hard to do. When this person is there in the flesh it's easy to try and reach for them, especially when they've been there for me for so long. But that is part of the problem, she's been the strong one, the rock. She doesn't need me.

How do I get my emotions in check and get my life together? My friend the youth pastor said to me today, "how can you have the will power to lose 100 pounds in 5 months, but can't keep your mouth shut and give her some space?" He's right. I don't know. It feels like desperation is running my life instead of God.

I hope I haven't let this run on too long, I needed to get some of this off my chest. I hope some of you out there can give me some encouragement. Have I lost her forever? Is there any hope for our marriage? Maybe I should accept that I don't deserve her and just give up, but that doesn't seem right to me. She is worth the fight, if I can just find the right way to go about it.

I also hope that if anyone is reading this that is like me 5 months ago, you will wake up, stop taking your spouse and family for granted. I don't care how strong you think your marriage is, they will not be there forever if you don't protect and care for them.

Thanks for listening.

Having friends of the opposite sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 18:38:53 GMT

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are regarding having friends of the opposite sex when you're married.

I've been married for a few years and shortly before I got married I cut ties with the majority of the females that I was friends with (some I never had feelings for, a few I did at one point or another). I knew that having another female around to talk to could put a strain on my relationship with my wife. My wife on the other hand doesn't see a problem, most of her friends were guys so she keeps in touch with a few of them. Even the ones that she's been romantically involved with before. This worries me but I'm not sure how to explain my concern. One of the "guys" in particular has tried to get her to leave me recently and be with him but she still doesn't see a problem talking to him and hanging out...Not exactly sure what to do. Am I out of line? Am I being overly jealous/overprotective? Just looking for some external opinions.

submission

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:28:36 GMT

My husband thinks that a wife should be submissive to her husband, that she should comply to all his wishes...that she belongs to him, body before all..yesterday we were on the webcam( he is away on a business trip),and my husband asked me to run my fingers through my hair, to close my eyes, to take a pose...I started doing it, and then I felt uncomfortable with it, him telling me do this, do that..so anyhow I told him I wasnt feeling comfortable, he got very angry, and told me I was a lot more submissive with B, a man i had a fling with at the end of my first mariage, over 11 years ago, before I met my husband

.I had told my husband about the affair, and i guess he is using it against me..the past is being used against me

my question is, is it considered a rejection to not be comfortable with my husband's request?I do love him, but he has issues with perceived rejection, and he has lashed at me since last night...saying I dont show love when I do not comply...I have explained to him his request kind of came at the wrong time, but he keeps going on, refusing to be gracious about it..repeating I crushed him...demanding an apology//.I did asy I didnt want to hurt his feelings, but he keeps lashing out

he is stressed financially, just crashed his sport car..I guess he feels a bit lost...

I dont know what to do..he says that when he comes back on monday, he wont touch me, so I will feel how he felt..I am appaled he wants revenge that bad..how can I diffuse the situation?

Thanks

Stirred Up

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:31:42 GMT

Please help. I need prayer and guidance. I have an attraction to someone other than my husband, and I had already given it to the Lord. However, the feelings keep re-surfacing. I know that we cannot let feelings be our guiding light, so I ask the Lord throughout each day to help me. Nevertheless, the feelings remain.

I feel stirred up by this person. Can someone help me understand scriptures that might suggest "stirring up" is from Satan? There is a difference in love ordained by God and being "stirred up," isn't there?

I know the scripture that, "Let not man put asunder what God has brought together." I'm wondering now, could my marriage not have been brought together by God? Is it possible my marriage is outside the will of God, and then he'd bring about another person?

I cannot help but feel this other person is my soul mate, but I wonder if that's my flesh talking, or if there is something divine about this.

Thank you.

Empty feelings towards husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 13:36:32 GMT

Let me start over. As i said i have been married for 16.5 yrs. with 4 children. our relationship had started out on the wrong side to begin with. I was pregnant and 20 and he was a partier. Our relationship was based on the physical side of the relationship only we had no strong friendship or anything to start with. i grew up in an alcoholic home (abusive) and he lost his dad when he was young. Things seemed fine at first then he started pushing me away. He turned all his energy into work and home projects all the time - i constantl had to fight for his attention- then i started nagging which pushed him away even more. so i tried to go back to being quiet letting him do whatever not saying much and he still did the same thing- kept pushing me away. He squandered time from me and kids and he squandered an opportunity to take a better paying job to help financial situation. The first few years he did not want me to get a job - even though we needed it- because he did not trust me. I did nothing to evoke this in him ( he knows this and he agrees). Eventually i did get a job - but still was fighting to get that from him - it came down to even fighting about taking our kids camping or fishing for the day. I tried to compromise adn say if you work on house stuff or put in overtime for 3 weeks then take one weekend out of month to go camping and fishing. ( i have not told kids this as i do not want to tear their hearts out that i had to fight him to get him to do some of these things).

No he is not physically abusive or verbally, he is better now towards kids. We ahve tried Marriage Encounter, Laugh your way, counseling with our pastor ( which the first time he was angry at me for making him do this). If not for the kids i would have walked out then. People have said well he is not physically abusive or verbally - you should try to make it work. i have poured my heart into this man and he has kept walls up. Men from our church have tried to reach out to him and he has done the same thing to them - pushed them away. All this leads up to the fact that 1.5 yrs. ago i told him i cant try anymore - any feelings i have left for you are gone. I love you as the father of my children adn respect you for that - but that is as far as it goes. then he had a vehicle accident (broken leg only) so i did not leave at that time. Now i wish i had left. I have gone to Ladies Bible studies- counseled on my own with christian counselor - but got too expensive and could not anymore.

i told him women are like cars you check the oil in a car change the plugs when needed and tune ups get done - we need that and you have neglected that for so long - i am empty - dried up.

For my kids - part of me wants to try - but in my heart i cant - i poured all these years into tis marriage and i am tired - he realized last night how much he destroyed - everything came out. He told me he knew this relationship would fail like all the others he has had - why should i be loved - i am unlovable - and i realized then at that moment that what a counselor told me a long time is true. In a persons mind when they feel all is going to fail they set themselves up to fail. I told him that and i said i believe taht is exactly what you did.

I am sorry this is long - i dont want to hurt my children or my husband - but i have nothing left to give him - nothing.

Could someone please shed some light?

Anger in Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 May 2008 11:43:30 GMT

Hey All!I've been noticing on some of our threads that anger in marriage is a HUGE issue. Does anger affect your marriage? How have you overcome (or are overcoming) the anger? Do you know what the root of the anger is?

Should I continue believing my husband?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:17:31 GMT

Greetings! I need help with regards to what direction I should take. My husband is in USA and I live in Asia. We met online through a christian online community (not a dating site). We got married on his second visit to me which is almost 2 yrs ago. After our honeymoon he didn't came back but we have daily communications thru phone, webcam and emails. He claimed he can't come back to see me due to financial difficulties, recession in USA but he still have a job. My husband have been processing my spouse visa so he can get me to his place but I have been denied due to my husband's ineligibilty as registered sex offender. Last month, I was able to access his email and IM and there I found out he is dating 13 women all at the same time promising to meet them in their respective countries and marry them, he pretends he's single. He met them thru dating sites. When my husband came to see me he came here just as a friend, and tried to win my heart unlike with those women he dated online. But then there is 1 woman from my country as well who knew he is married and they are talking about divorcing me (yes I read them thru emails). They are about the same age in their 50s, while I am in my 30s.

I have confronted my husband about his infidelity so he stopped chatting with those women. As he claims he loves me and he just play around. He claimed he doesn't want me to leave but later I found out he just created a new email and talk with them in his other email from which I have no access. Since I found out about his online affairs I have never been the same, I have become always angry and suspicious as I discover my husband consistenly lie to me. My husband's weakness is internet and I'm an IT person that's why I quicky discover his affairs. My husband as a registered sex offender is not allowed to join social networking sites, how much more dating sites.

Last week, he already asked me to end the marriage and he will process our annulment, claiming ne never loved me from the beginning. I didn't talk to him since then but the next day he started calling me asking me how I have been, asking me to talk to him. I ignored him for 3 days. The next time we spoke, I told him stop talking to me and talk to my lawyer instead so we will have annulment process start. I have warned my husband that with our annulment, I will have to expose all my electronic evidences about his misbehavior online
as grounds for annulment and that everything will be submitted to US embassy in my country.
Also I have asked him for some settlement fee for my moral damage as he married and abandoned me and for emotional damage as well. Since I learned about his action I had suicidal attempts already.

The next day after we spoke, my husband called me again asking me for forgiveness and asked me back and that he will change and he asked me to help him be the husband God wants for me. I gave him another chance but since then he has become different. He claims its depression and he is actually going thru counselling now. Until now, I don't know if I made the right decision of accepting him back. He show no interest in me and I believe he continously chat with some women. He promised to visit me in March for our wedding anniversary and that we talked about going through marriage counselling. By the way, I am his 3rd wife. I have already read Love Must Be Tough, but I think none from the stories apply to my situation. Please help me decide. Shall I continue believing my husband or not? I have been tormented by these thoughts for the last 2 months already.

Need your help with a beneficiary question. Please!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 11:48:45 GMT

I cannot find the answer to my question anywhere in the Bible. Please help me with this life issue:

'When naming a beneficiary for my retirement acount and life insurance policy, should a christian husband name his wife or his children as primary beneficiary? These children are from a former marriage and a (unmarried) relationship. My current wife and I have been married for five years and have had no children together.'

Please tell me the right thing to do. Thank you! Blessings to all.

This is so hard

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:14:59 GMT

My husband has threatened me with divorce for the third time. The only problem is that it's an idle threat, I've realized.

He makes demands of me that I just can not meet. I have isolated myself from my family because he doesn't get along with them, I have struggled with being a good housewife, I have tried in every way I know how. And it's never good enough.

He has been abusing our pets and I stood up to him regarding the abuse by simply taking the dog and driving around the block for 5 minutes. He responded by throwing my cat outside as hard as he could and told me if I brought her back inside that he would divorce me. I did anyways. So he trashed the house by throwing all my clothes and things everywhere and took all his things and left.

So I decided at that point that he was serious and removed him from the bank account where my paycheck is deposited (we have two joint accounts) and canceled his credit card that was under my name in attempts to make sure he doesn't take my only source of income. But basically, in doing this I believe I took him by surprise.

See, it became clear to me that he only threatened divorce to get me to comply with what he wants - to manipulate me. I called his bluff and I didn't even realize it.

He consistantly has blamed me though. The reasons? I don't ever take care of the house. I undermine his authority when he is punishing the pets. And I will undermine his authority when we have children (which we don't even have yet).

He told me that if he divorces me, I will never find another man that loves me like him. He also told me that if he divorces me I will never be able to go into the ministry or become a missionary, which is a dream of mine. He could never be more wrong... but I can see that this is simply another method of manipulation.

I told him that the issue is that he expects me to meet all of his needs and I just can't. Only God can. I asked him to pray and to turn his life over to God but he responded in saying that God can't meet his needs... basically a "God helps those who help themselves" mentality. He literally said things like "God doesn't give us food." and "God can't provide our needs unless we do it ourselves." These are lies that are straight from the devil... and he believes them.

He asked me to commit to him and to try harder for him and I told him that this is something I am more than willing to do and I feel like I have been doing, but it is completely unacceptable to threaten and attempt to manipulate me by threatening to leave. He said that he could not promise me that he would stay. So I told him until he can come to terms with the commitment that he made to me two years ago and until he can promise that he will be with me until death do us part, I can not continue to live in fear every day that my husband will leave me. So I told him that we should remain separated with the intent not to divorce.

Today I went to a counselor and she was fully supportive of this. She has been working with him with his issues with anger and depression and she was amazed that he reverted back so quickly, but she fully agrees with me that his manipulation and idle threats and attempt to control need to stop because eventually he will lose everything, including his wife.

He must look to God for his needs FIRST and he must place God FIRST in his life or he will lose it all. And I believe that God is working to get my husband's heart... but unfortunately my husband is fighting it tooth and nail and I am in the crossfire.

I will never divorce him. I have made that commitment to God and to him that I will not. If he chooses to leave, I have to let him go.

For your information, we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary on August 5, 2008.

And also, I am going to lunch with my pastor and his wife tomorrow.

Please, please, please pray that God breaks my husband's heart. Please pray for a miracle. Because at this point, this is all I can do.

I miss my husband so much.

Step-Brother's inappropriate behavior

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 00:59:01 GMT

Hello. I've searched through all of my parenting books and cannot find a solution to my problem. I really need some help

We have a blended family consisting of 6 children (3 boys, 3 girls) and all children live with us full time.

The kids' bathroom is adjacent to the boy's room closet. My step-son poked a hole through the wall in his closet so that he could see in the bathroom. We informed him that this was inappropriate and put a temporary patch on the hole. We didn't want to make a big deal of it because he said he was only playing with his step-brother by making funny sounds etc while his step-brother used the bathroom. My husband was diagnosed with a heart problem a couple of weeks after that incident and I had no choice but to start working about 14 hrs a day to make ends meet since he is unable to work. Needless to say, my husband couldn't fix it and I didn't know what to do so I just monitored it.

Recently my step-son drew his name and my daughter's name together on the back of his notebook. I didn't think much of it as all of the children in the house look up to my daughter since she is the oldest but now I'm not so sure that's why he did it. He is always right behind me and his dad but within the past couple of days he has been in his room alone (very strange for him as he hates to be alone). We found out the hole in the boys' closet wall as breached again. Although he denied it at first, my step-son confessed to his father of doing it but said he did it because he was bored. My husband got really mad at him because he knows what my step-son was doing, My husband called him names and said he was taking all my step-son cared about from him , threatened to send him back to his mother and to give him a good spanking. After cooling off he decided to have me figure out what we should do.

I am clueless because I have been very close to my step-son since he was a toddler and see him as one of my own. I do not want him to leave, be spanked or be called names. I strongly believe there is a healthy way to handle this but I don't even know how to talk to my step-son about it . I know something needs to be done but I don't want to damage my step-son for the rest of his life by making a wrong decision. His mother abandoned him when he was 2, reappeared a few years ago which confused him. He's had problems with stealing. It took many years but he eventually stopped the stealing, appeared to be back on track and now this.

I must confess I am angry because my daughter's privacy was violated. She does not know of this violation. Should we tell her or will it make matters worse?

Please help

Should I be upset?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:43:58 GMT

Married Christians,

Regardless of the affect it does or doesn't have on our sexual relationship, should I be upset with my wife because she masturbates? She apparently thinks I should not be bothered by it (it's quite open for discussion in our relationship), but I think she should save all of her sexual desires and needs to be relieved and fulfilled by me...just as I do with her. If she isn't willing to stop, is it because I really don't fulfill her needs or is this more common than I think? What does she think about? Me, of course...according to her, lol. It just seems that if I was pleasing her completely, she wouldn't have a need to masturbate...

Missing my kids

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:43:24 GMT

Hello everyone! Five years ago I met a man online, after only interacting for a few short months I moved 1300 miles away to marry this man. I have three adult children (28, 25 and 22). I was married to their father for 27 years (we were together 6years before getting married). The marriage is difficult although we are both Christian. My kids will have nothing to do with him and his kids do not want anything to do with me. I sold my house, left a job I was in for 18 years, gave up spousal maintenance, left my kids, family and friends for someone I did not even know! I still to this day do not understand what I was thinking - I even paid off this guys credit cards and put all the money I had from the house I owned into this one that has his name on the title. I just found out that he put his kids as beneficiary on his retirement money and on his life insurance and left me off totally! I miss my kids every day. My oldest daughter will not talk to me because of me leaving her father and marrying someone I did not know. My youngest daughter just had a baby a year ago who I have only seen twice and my son (the youngest) tells me he is ok. I made a mistake, I am so unhappy. I can tolerate the marriage, but what I did to my kids is killing me. PLEASE help me someone! Give me some insight. I don't know what to do with the guilt of leaving my kids for this man.

wife loves another man - what to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:57:47 GMT

i posted some of this in the prayer forum a while back - just wanted to post here for hopefully a deeper discussion.

i have been with my wife for a few years, married for 7 months. she confessed to me an affair with another man almost 2 months ago. about the same time my job changed so im away 4 nights a week. i was extremely hurt but believed in my heart that we could and should try to work through it. she told me she wasnt sorry but she felt guilty hiding something like that from me. she told me she wanted a divorce. i think she expected me to agree and when i didnt it threw her for a loop.

before we got married we agreed that divorce wasnt even an option. when we had friends that were considering she told them how that wasnt right and hard as it may be they needed to both try to work through it. her own parents have had marital problems and she always remarked how her dad especially had fought through and stuck with her mom. i dont understand how her views could have turned around.

her last cell phone bill was $250 because of 1100 sent texts and 1000 incoming texts. also 3000 minutes of calls. that bill isnt paid, her car payment and storage unit bills are 2 months behind. she recently went to one of those payday advance places for a $1000 loan. and she bounced 8 checks last month alone so that adds $30 each time. i still pay all the rent and utilities at the house. ive stopped giving her money when she gets behind because why should i help her when she doesnt care about the marriage? but i feel so bad because i know she needs food and esentially she is going to ruin my credit too. thats one issue i need advice on.

now 2 months later she is still seeing this man. she claims they havent been physical since she confessed to me but its hard to believe her. we had 4th of july plans but she cancelled saying she had to go see one of her best friends. come to find out she spent the entire weekend with this man. she left her wedding ring at home and even stayed with him at her friends house. she doesnt care who knows about this and its costing her family and true friends.

and to top it all off this other man went to jail on june 18th for guess what? 3rd degree assualt for hitting his ex gf and her dad. hes already got a felony burglary on his record from 5 years ago. i found out through her sister that he was in jail and that was a happy day. god works in mysterious ways i thought. but guess who bailed him out? she paid the $500 to bail him out and then he stayed at our house while i was away at work.

i just dont know what my next move should be. she hasnt told me she loves me for a month but she texts it to him every day. i just asked her last night what we could do to get this straightened out and she said you know i want a divorce. she agreed to go to counseling together and by herself so know im hoping to find a good christian place to go to. im not sure how to pay for that but i'll make whatever sacrifices to try at least give it a try.

this is very difficult for me and only by the grace of god do i make it from one day to the next. i realize all i can do is continue to be a kind loving supportive husband and trust god to work it out one day at a time. im just having trouble seeing where he is leading. im just not sure what to do.

Husbands infidelity and the Tiger Woods affairs

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:08:09 GMT

I am sick physically and emotionally. I've gained weight, can't sleep, and my husband cheated on me several times and refuses to get counseling. I have physically seperated from this man now for three years. I told him the only way for any hope of reconciliation is for us to go to marriage counseling. Of course he makes excuses and two months ago...he did it again.

I have a teenage son who desperately needs the attention of his father, but this man spends no time with his son. My child is the only reason I even stayed this long.

I've tried to forgive this man, but honestly I really think deep down inside he feels cheating is ok as long as you don't get caught. The recent set of scandals don't make it any easier. He hasn't asked for forgiveness...and lately prayer isn't helping.

I need to move on because this relationship is truely killing me.

any suggestions for wives...whose husbands seem addicted to TV sports...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 23:47:18 GMT

any ideas / suggestions for wives....whose husbands seem addicted to TV sports /games, etc. ???

Why did I wait so long to do something about it?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 03:46:37 GMT

Well just like many of you I am struggling in my marriage and I'll tell you why, but first I want to say that I'm a little clumsy sometimes to express myself in writing since I was not borned in the States and my english can get a little well let's say short, but I'll do my best. I have been married for three years but my husband and I have been together for almost seven years. I'm a mother of two wonderful kids a fifteen year old boy and a twelve year old girl, when I first met my husband I told him about them of course and he accepted me with them. He wasn't save when I met him I on the other hand have known the Lord for almost eighteen years.Not so long after we started to live together I took him to my Church and he got saved. I know he really meant to give his heart to God I know he was sincered.But my husband and I couln't go together to church since my church is a spanish speaking church and he does not speaks it at all (he had a translator the time he went). He's always allowed me to go to church with my children, at one point we found an english speaking church and it was great until he slowly but surely stoped going and I decided to go back to my old church. Well many years have gone by and today I'm a very active leader of this church and so are my kids( both of my kids are bilingual like me), but the thing is that I got so much involved that I kinda start to not be home much and the relationship started to fade away which I could see but did not do anything about it I basically forgot to take care of my husband in many ways. About five weeks ago he told me he was feeling like he wasn't even married because he was along all the time and that something needed to change or our marriage could end. I blame myself the most for this, because my job was to serve the Lord and give a testimony of love to my husband and spend time with him so he could fall back in love with God again. A friend of his gave him a book called His needs, Her needs, wonderful resource by the way, and by doing that I assumed he was looking for ways to bring us back together but tonight we went out for a walk and he told me he wants to separate because he feels so hurt and abandoned that he's not sure about he's feelings towards me anymore. I feel like I a horrible person because this doesn't affect me only but my children too, they have learned to love him and he is part or their lives too. I love this man so much because he has a great heart, he helped me to accept myself the way I am, be there for me in the hard times and I don't know what I would without him, and on top of that I think i'm responsible before God for putting the gospel down in my own home. Please if any of you have any words of wisdom share them with me I'm hurting so much and I'm willing to do anything that can help make my marriage work again. I want to seek the Lord now more than ever and ask him to help me be the wise woman, wife and mother that he wants me to be for my husband and my children. God bless!

My husband walked out on me and kids,what should I do ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:51:10 GMT

My Husband of 6 years walked out on me and kids on monday night.He didn't take a single thing with him.We were driving home together,he told me to get off the car first as he had something to see to.When i probed further,he told me to leave him and drove off.That was the last time I saw him.That night,when i called him,he didn't take my calls.Instead he just texted me on mobile to say he wasn't coming back anymore and that he would talk when he is ready.He asked me to put the kids to bed and not call him.I panicked,was really scared and confused.I didn't sleep the whole night and was so worried and hurt.the next morning,i managed to get him at work.He is a workaholic,managing a retail store.He said on the phone the same things ,he wasn't coming back and he didn't love me anymore.That our marriage is over,there is no point.When i asked him if there was a third party involved,he didn't deny nor admit,he merely answered that it was due to many factors.When i pleaded for him to come home,not to break our marriage,he was insistent and kept saying no point.I told him I knew we were having problems and that i will try hard to change for the better,he said it didn't matter anymore.He kept saying what's done cannot be undone ,that he couldn't face me nor my parents whom we live with.I kept assuring him that it didn't matter what had happened,all things can be forgiven and worked out,he just said,he didn't care and and will not change his mind.

It has been 3 nights,I called him several times,each time It was the same,he just kept saying he wasn't ready to talk.He said he will continue taking care of our kids financially and that was that.He would say hurting things like i do not wish to talk,I don;t love you anymore and I am not ready to talk yet.It drove me nuts,as i have to know what is going on!He has refused to speak to anyone else like my church priest,or my parents who have called him,It was always the same response.Even when his friend tried to ask him out to talk,he refused.I have been on a roller coaster of emotions,mostly desperationa and fear of what is to come.My kids are so young,3 and 4,they ask for daddy.I try to be strong and pray like crazy,for now only God can save me.I have also read Dr Dobson's book on tough love but do not know how it applies to me?

My husband has not come clean on anything,and simply his heart is cold and hardened,it scares me.How can I apply the tough love method and does it apply in my case?All I got from my priest was to continue to give him lots of affirmation on how I cherish our relationship,but he is so unresponsive.Yesterday,when i asked when he wants to talk to me on all these,he finally agreed to meet me on friday (tomorrow,his day off)He said he wanted to pack and take his things as well.When asked how he got on the past few days,he has been secretive,simply saying he bought new nessecities to use and that he had been staying at a colleague.When asked which colleague and male or female,he gave me answers like ,'does it matter to you?''will you believe if i said it's just a male colleague?

I asked him to pray and let God lead the way,but I don't think it's getting to him though we are both believers..is he having an affair?i think so just that i don't know the details he is guarding so closely.

I am hanging on to God for hope and praying fervently,I don't know what else to do.I am lucky to have my parents '' help with the kids but they are also obviously traumatised by this event.I pray that God keep them strong for me.We just cannot understand why my husband is doing this,though we know there are marriage issues to work through,But he doesn't want to and only wants out?Is this the final?What Should I do when I meet him tomorrow,please help and advice.Your prayers will be appreciated too.I am going to church now for a prayer session but no one else knows what's happening.I have read so many posts here that i can relate too,it is so sad,my fellow sufferers.I pray that God will keep us going strong in this tough times,he must have a divine plan for each of us.Though we suffer,we must remember that God never leaves us and he is working with us and he is above all our problems,we have to hang on o hope and not cave in to despair.

How do we Decide on a Church?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 03 May 2010 21:38:41 GMT

My husband and I were married almost a year ago and have been trying to agree on a church for more than a 2 years at least. I started attending my church in 1999 where I became a Christian a few months later. While I grew up in another church and in a Christian home, this particular church is where I learned in depth about who God is, what He did for me and how that affects my life. It's where I've served in missions, sang in the praise team and even worked part time as a youth assistant. In other words, I have dedicated a lot of time and energy and it has been worth it!

I also have a fantastic support system in this church and I dearly love the people there. I have seen the church grow from a Sunday average of about 500 to about 1600, so it's definitely changed in the 10+ years I've been there. I like the contemporary worship...I feel like I can just let go and worship God.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a rural, very small church with only a handful of families. After moving an hour away to our city, he plugged in to a church that was similar though a little bigger. After attending briefly, I enjoyed the people there, but the church wasn't growing and my husband realized that this wasn't a place he could raise a family. My husband didn't like my church because he disagreed with some things like having a female occasionally give the message (like once ever 2-3 months) and women being in certain leadership roles, feeling overwhelmed by such a large church and sometimes disagrees with the pastor when something is not done in an ultra traditional way. Our church uses language of the culture in order to teach counter-cultural truths. I.E. - might use a pop cultural song to link a sermon message or series or use a sitcom reference to get a point across.

While dating we talked about what we wanted in a church and explored some other churches, but I always was saddened with the fact that I would be losing my church family. I tried to ignore it, but often ended up in tears during a service because I wasn't ready to leave my church home. So we returned to my church home for now. We've been attending my church for over a year now, but we as a couple have yet to call it home. We were involved with a small group for a few months, but discontinued because of our schedules.

I hate feeling this way. We don't really talk about the issue because it's much easier to leave it be than to stir the pot. How do we decide on a church when I'm not ready to leave?

My wife is sexually cold

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:15:54 GMT

We used to have a very good sexual relationship. She enjoyed oral sex and wearing sexy lingerie.

Now she finds all of the above digusting in her words. She does not even want intercorse and is uses execuses like I am tired, have a headache or not in the mood.

I tried talking to her about why she is not interested, but she says she is not interested in sex. Could she be having an affair again? I have caught her in the past in affair exhibiting the same kind response as above.

I wish she would tell me the truth, any suggestions?

Message was edited by: moderator

I feel forsaken and maybe I should be.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:02:32 GMT

I don't even know where to start. I'm going through a divorce and it's really all my fault. My wife is a great woman and she put up with addiction, adultery etc etc for years. She finally had enough and asked me to leave. Like most, when you have nothing left you go looking for God. I know I did. I lost everything and I mean everything least of all my wife. During the last year I have had this incredible awakening (something like scales falling off my eyes) into who I am in Christ. I pray for my marriage because now I know what it is to be a husband, like Christ and the church. I know how she felt all those years because everyday for me is longing for her. I do my best to show unconditional love. Sometime I guess my faith feels fake because I came to God so needy in terms of my life. It's like I know I'm saved but feel forsaken. I don't want to serve God for me but for he he is, but it seems "I" keep getting in the way. I want my family back but who knows if thats God's will? Every time I try to get out of this place of loneliness (talking to other woman) I feel guilt. I want my family but I'm lonely. I don't know what I should do. Help me.

My christian husband had a emotional affair .............

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:39:54 GMT

It was early Easter morning when I overheard my husband talking to another woman on line. The conversation went way over the line of friendship. I was completly shocked,and devastated. At that moment I felt my heart shatter in a million pieces.. He was in our basement and was talking so loud with a headset on that I feared our children would hear him. I Immediatly went downstairs and confronted him. He had the look of shock on his face as he hung his head in shame. There was no denying it he was caught. My husband is a Godly man and had never in all our years together looked at another woman. In fact we have always been extremely loving to each other in our 20 years of marriage. My husband would tell me and show me daily how much I meant to him. How did we get here..................

In my heart I knew exactly what happened. In the last 2 years my husband who was always a good provider had lost his job. With the economy being what it is there was little hope for a new job. I wasnt use to him being home 24/7. It was me who ran the household and took care of the kids needs. With him being home he became very critical of me and suddenly things that were never a problem were now a problem. He was becoming nuisance and interferred on every level. I began to feel anger and hurt and I began to withdraw from him. I have always worked, kept house and took good care of my husband and childrens needs. In fact he did little around the house nor did he help with the children. I was becoming resentful , I still loved my husband deeply but had put him on hold in my anger. I have always been fiercly independent and never allowed myself to be dependent on any man. My husband and I began to bicker and argue. I was loosing all respect for him and he knew it. We were growing apart it wasnt for lack of love it was for lack of patience, understanding and respect for each other. We have always loved hard and fought hard. Every problem was always resolved and we both bounced back 100%. This time it was different we lost the desire to fight for our marriage. Still there was part of me that believed like always we would always be together and work it out.

In the shock of almost loosing him instantly God worked on my heart and I knew what I had to do. We talked and both cried for hours that day and for weeks to come. He asked me to forgive him and I asked him to forgive me. With Gods help we began to heal from this nightmare. We both wanted to save our marriage. My husband felt that I didnt love him anymore and had disrespected him in front of our children. I had to face the fact that I had put a crack in my husbands christian armour and allowed the devil to seep into our marriage. I knew how much I loved him and didnt want to loose him. I asked God to forgive me and to guide me in to being a Godly wife. At the same time my husband began to realize how much he still loved me and the family we had created. He didnt want to loose us. The affair he was having was one of the heart and emotional affair not a physical affair. They had met in a christian chatroom and developed a friendship. In fact she lived in the midwest they had never even met in person. However this type of affair to me is even worse as my husband admitted he had feelings for her. She was giving him what I wasnt. He admitted he still deeply loved me but felt I had given up on the marriage so he let his armour down. He has since told me that he never would of left me and our family. He had gotten in over his head but at the same time was enjoyng the attention she was giving him. It was safe because it was on line no physical contact. He could go on living his life with me and have what was missing with her. Infidelity is infidelty he had stepped outside and shared personal feelings with another women. He made a choice knowing it was wrong. It was selfish and against God. It is a sin in every sense and he will have to repent. That is between him and the Lord. My job is to keep myself in check and to be a Godly wife and mother. I am accountable for my own spirit............

I needed to know what I was up against. So I did some investigating and as it turns out this girl was on almost every social network advertising herself to men. What my husband thought he had met was a good christian woman who was saying all the right things to make him feel better. She was looking for a meal ticket and my husband was the perfect victim. I honestly felt sorry for him because I knew he is a good man who was hurting and really thought he had found someone special. At the same time I was furious at her and had a great need to protect my husband from this predator. I revealed to my husband that this woman had many alias names, 2 felonies,and had over 200 my space accounts. She also had accounts on tagged ,woome, facebook, bebo and other social networks. She painted herself as a devoted godly woman who is layed back with a great sense of humor who loves christian music.My husband has a music ministry so it was easy for him to fall into her trap. She lives her life in a fantasy world while sharing love songs with her victims. At the same time she was talking to my husband she also had other men telling her that they were in love with her. To me she was leading a sad lonely life and has no idea what true love is. Both my husband and I have both prayed for her. She is incrediblly lost and needs to surrender her life to the Lord. My husband feels both foolish and humilitated because he was so decieved by her. He has erased all memories of her from his computer snd sent her email telling her the Lord had restored our marriage and to not contact him again. Thus far she has respected our wishes.

As for me and my husband we are still healing but each day is getting better and better. We are in such a beautiful place in our marriage as we continue to grow more in Love. We are letting God be in control and continue to be commited in everyway to each other and our children. I will never let go again !! What God has joined together let no man put Asunder !! Endlessly

How do you settle

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 13:43:59 GMT

How do you settle 2 totally different sex drives at play in a marriage? I am not coping well at all, and my marriage is suffering badly as a result. Occasionally it gets to me so much I find it hard to look at my wife and talk to her because I feel so distant, desperate and frustrated This of course leads to her being very upset and distant as well.

My wife and I are seperated because of her adult son why me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 02:03:58 GMT

On April 29 I left our home and a marraige of 11 years. We were not perfect in our mariage but it was not a bad marage. 7 months earlier my wife and I agreede that we would bring our Grandaughter 14 into our home because she claimed that she was being abuse by her step dad and mother. My wife persuaded me that this was the right thing to do. We decided that we would go for custody of her. In the mean time she had discussions with her son who piped up and said the he would go for custody of his daughter. I was against this because he had never payed support for her and he could not even support himself because he will not get a job.. (He has been diagnosed with a personallity disorder). New one on me. We decided to seek leagal couselling in which the lawyer said " the best way to get the child would be to have the fahter move in with us. My heart heart dropped because I new I had been beat. I agreed to 6 months which would allow him to save some money and get an appartment for him and his daughter. during this time my wife and her son and granddaughter developed this family and I was pushed aside. even to the point where my wife chose to not sleep with me. As the six month was approaching I indicated to my wife that it was arriving and I was wexpecting them to leave. However accusations were dirrected at me indicating that I was an abusive mean person. I told my wife that we needed help and I would like to go to counselling with her. She said that it was i that needed help and was not willing to go to counselling with me. I sought help from our church and it was suggested that we go to counselling with the idea of separation and counselling but we were to go with the idea we would come back together. Since then we seemed to have grown further appart. and the intention of coming back together on her part seems out of reach.

Her son of 37 years is quite content on living in the home which I poured so much into to build and she is quite content to have him and his daughter with out me. What did I do to deserve such a fait. I feel that I am about to loose everything and there seems like nothing I can do. I have to admit that I was not happy about the arrangements and I made it clear although I was not saying anything not to cause a fight. But I could see the manipulation and the skeming happening. Even with the granddaughter. We finally say down and began to make and agreement of separation which we both thought was fare. then she decided to go to a lawyer and came back telling me she was going for it all. My heart sunk and I did blow but I did not syay in the situation long when I saw nothing was going to be resolved.

I am sitting in an appartment now stressed out hoping and praying that God will do something fantastic, but more and more I feel I am going to get beat down by all of this. All my dreams are shaddered, hopes, and desires are fading quickly. I have three children of my own and thier inheritance looks to be swiped up by a so called woman of God. I feel like such a failure.

I have been strong in my faith but somehow I am praying to no avail. I ask for input direction and wisdom and help.

How long should I wait

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 May 2010 02:52:24 GMT

I have come to a point in my life where I need to seek a wife. I have some interest in a friend. We have know each other for over 5 years. We are both christians. Before I told her I had some interest in her we talked on the phone and if I called and my credit ran out she would call back. That was in January of this year when she was on break from her studies.(She is studying for her Masters in her final year she is due to finish in September. She works and studies part time). From this experience figured that there could be some interest. When I asked her if she was willing to take the relationship to another level, her reponse was that she would not be willing at this time. She also stated that she would be praying about it and waiting on the Lord. I made my approach sometime in February. How long should I wait for an answer.

Urgent Prayers Needed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:20:57 GMT

I am new here, but I know the power of prayer. My husband and I have been seriously struggling since Sept 2007, but our entire marriage hasn't been easy. He is my HS sweetheart and my best friend, yet I struggle with sharing myself with anyone. He has stood by me for a long time and I have abused that committment to the point he isn't willing to stay. We have been through counseling (multiple times), and he will not do it again. He has told me several times over the past few weeks, "I can't do this anymore, I can't live with your lies, I cannot be with you, I don't want you to be my wife, go away and don't come back...." I do not want to end our marriage. I know we have a special bond that God made. I want my husband to see that I am different, that I do love him despite my actions.Pray for God to give me the strength, wisdom, and courage to face what it is I need to face. I ask for patience and kind words toward my husband. I ask that God bless my husband and take the hurt from him. Help him to see the love we shared and want it back too.

Women, help me understand.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 18:04:28 GMT

I would love to hear a women's side. What makes a woman so angry she would leave her husband despite his efforts to improve himself and repair their relationship. How could a mother tear their children away from there father. Why would a wife refuse to go to counseling. How come a wife would refuse to reconcile even after the husband has said that he would forgive any past transgressions. I don't understand a spouses cold heart when there are no more reasons left to be that way. The future in a divorce is bleak, dark and cold. Financially we are broke. We can't even afford the simplest things for our children. Our home will be sold to pay our debts. Relationships are being destroyed, but yet she presses on to get what she wants. Her reply is because I just don't want to. I'm looking for understanding. My life is being destroyed.

How can i reach the last of my step- children?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:07:38 GMT

I married my wife two years ago and love her very much. When I met her she had four kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and i had 1 girl. Since then we have had 2 more girls and have a baby on the way. I have managed to build a good relationship with the boys and the oldest girl. They behave good and do what either of us ask. However, the younger daughter becomes verbally abusive to my wife and myself, and just today became physically abusive to me. This behavior starts when she is told no, if there is any kind of disipline given, or it seems that we breathed the wrong way. Here in the last few weeks she has gotten into physical altercations with her younger brother. Yells at everyone, including the two youngest girls. It seems no kind of disipline works except sending her to her room, or packing her there, and just ignoring her rants.

We have had her in coulseling with a respected christian coulselor. All she does is calm up. Her biological father is in prison for molesting the oldest girl, was his step-daughter, and showed porographic material to the other kids. My wife and I believe something has happened but nothing has come out. She has held an extreme loyality the entire time.

I would like any suggestions about how to get through. I want a good relationship with her the same as I have with the other kids. I just haven't figured out how to get my foot in the door with her.

Anger Management Help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 16 May 2010 18:11:41 GMT

I've had issues with my anger for years. Unfortunately it has created a heavy toll on my family. My wife is ready to divorce me, and my sons have already begun to learn the behavior. Unfortunately, it has taken me this long to truly understand the significance of my anger issues. I am currently in counseling individually, and we just began marriage counseling. I have been reading a lot, and read a majority of the information on this site. I have been given some additional resources by my counselor, but they are incredibly expensive. Does anyone have any advice for some additional resources to help with my anger management (online communities, support groups, etc.)? Any help is greatly appreciated!

Leap or Break

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 02:15:45 GMT

I've been dating a guy for two and a half months; we met on Christiancafe.com and starting dating. Very quickly we started talking about marriage to the point he bought a ring (but has not popped the question) and we booked a church for late June. My two kids seemed happy and excited, but two days ago my daughter told me that June was too early for her and she needed more time to get to know him. That put my breaks on full stop. Now I can see that the Lord sent my aunt, father, and sister to tell me to slow down but it took my daughter to get my attention. I told my boyfriend that we needed to slow way down so that my kids could spend more time getting to know him, but I felt we still had a future. His reaction was that he needed time to digest this information and think about somethings. Now that the excitement of remarriage is on full stop and the fog is cleared I am having major second thoughts. I am confused because he is a Christian man that treats me well, but at this moment I am not sad that we are taking a break. I know I did the right thing for my daughter and more than likely for my family, but I'm not sure that it will be worth getting remarried.

How do I forget what she's done?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 06:22:50 GMT

My wife had an affair January of 09, it started in July of 08 and she fulfilled it Jan of 09. She told me about it last Feb and needless to say all of 2009 was horable. She says she is sorry and that she wishes she had never done it. But I am having such a hard time letting it go, all I can think about is what she told me she did with him, to him and what she didn't tell me I only imagine the worst. How could God allow this to happen? How do I trust His will let alone my wife. We've been married for 15 years now and it has been hard right from the beginning. Why did she do what she did? She did confess to me in Nov. of 08 and told me it was over but I found out later it started up again two weeks later. She went to visit her extended mom and he showed up there and spent time with her. He is married, I so bad want to call his wife and let her know he is cheating on her. My wife is saved he is not. How do I forget how do I look at my wife with the love I once had for her and the desire I once had for her? I need help and my pastor is great but he just doen't know the pain I'm feeling. Why did she have to lie to me why did she have to love another man and defile our marriage? Help me please.

Save marriage after multiple affairs?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 14:40:33 GMT

My husband confessed to multiple affairs after I caught him with another woman. Then, over the course of a month and a half, he dragged on an excruciating confession of sexual sins beginning before we were married. We will be married 7 years this month. He has admitted to a 2 year long affair that started shortly after our relationship began and to having multiple occasions of sexual contact with his exwife. Those all ended in 2005. However, he has been sleeping with another woman since March 09. He brought these women into my home.

We go to church every Sunday, small group every Thursday. The topic at small group has been adultery for a few months, but that did not change his behavior. He seems repentant and broken, but then again he has always seemed like a loving and supportive husband. We have a 6 year old little boy who would be devastated by a split in the family. I just don't know what to do. He has made appointments with pastors and counselors and we've gone to some of those meetings. But nothing relieves my pain. I keep screaming out to God, but it seems He is not there for me. I feel so alone. I don't know how this man who seemed so wonderful for all these years could really be this monster. And now he seems to desperately want to save our marriage. If he wanted a marriage, why would he have done all this in the first place. None of this makes any sense to me. He does not want a divorce, and he says that God has brought him to his knees and is creating a new heart in him. How do I know if this is true or just an act as it seems the last decade has been? What should I do?

Living in limbo with a man who doesn't want me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 05:24:35 GMT

Hi,

I've been reading here for a little while and thought maybe it's time to jump in and get some input/advice.

One year ago, my husband announced he wanted a divorce. We had been having some problems, but I had no idea things had escalated to this point and being a Christian (my husband has always claimed to be one too) I never considered divorce an option unless there is Biblical grounds. Since then, life has been a roller coaster. On two occasions my husband said he did not want a divorce and was "100% committed to the marriage". At one point he even agreed to marriage counseling, but quit after 5 sessions and again announced he wanted a divorce. Since then he has moved into the basement bedroom (where he has been for 4 months now), and is basically living as a single man. He makes very sure I know that he doesn't want me, doesn't want our marriage, and the only reason he hasn't filed for divorce yet is because he doesn't want to live apart from our two daughters - ages 15 and 12.

I have not been a perfect wife. I have spent much time in prayer and God has revealed my mistakes to me and has graciously forgiven me. I know that I didn't make my husband feel loved as I should have and I have apologized numerous times for this. He chooses not to forgive me and has decided that I will never change. On his part, he has a 10 year (that I know of) history of porn use, has lied to me about big and insignificant things throughout our marriage, had what I believe was an emotional affair with a woman that included an average of 50 texts a day for 4 months, and recently did a lot of text flirting with another much younger girl. Since I discovered and confronted him about the women he texts, he has blocked my access to our cell records online and has put a password on his phone. I now have no idea what's going on. Despite all of this, he really does believe (and has told me) that he did everything right in our marriage and I am completely at fault for our problems. The porn and lying were my fault because I "drove him to it".

Since this started, I've read and researched everything I can find about how to save my marriage. I just can't imagine putting my two girls through a divorce and more than anything I want to please the Lord. I know it's His will for our marriage to be reconciled. My husband has convinced himself that God wants him to be happy so therefore he is free to divorce me and find his own happiness. I have been devouring God's Word as my lifeline, but my husband wants nothing to do with the Bible, prayer, or any type of spiritual guidance. I know his spiritual condition is at the root of this, but of course he doesn't want to hear that from me. He did agree to meet once with our Pastor, and also told him that he wants a divorce and has no desire to keep our family together - even for our kids. Our pastor was pretty perplexed.

I have read some of Bill Harley's materials and have tried to "love my husband back" and show him how I've changed. It doesn't matter, he keeps finding imperfections in me that make me not good enough for him. I have kind of tried the "love must be tough" method a bit, but I'm not sure how to really do that while he lives here. In short, I keep trying different things, keep trying to convince him to try counseling again with me, read a marriage book with me, try ANYTHING, but he refuses. He won't work on our marriage but he's obviously not in any hurry to file for divorce either. He basically wants to live in the basement to be near his kids, but not be a husband.

I just started seeing a counselor on my own. We really can't afford it, but I need some help to learn how to not let this consume and preoccupy me 24/7. My girls need a mom who is fully present and I need to find some joy despite my circumstances. I am so angry at my husband for putting us through this turmoil when I am so willing to do whatever is necessary to save this marriage. Right now I'm just trying to keep the peace, adjust to being roommates and reminding myself that this is probably better for my kids than a divorce. I just hate the example they are seeing - their dad refusing to honor his vows and refusing to love their mom. They are not little, they are absorbing it all and it breaks my heart.

I'm sorry this got so long. I'd really appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Good Marriage / Couples Devotionals?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:09:54 GMT

My wife and I are looking for some devotional suggestions to do as a couple. Does anyone have any good suggestions? I have been frustrated by the lack of material available at our local Christian bookstore.

New Prayers

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 13:17:55 GMT

If you not familiar with me or where I have been you can look under my post entitled Pray for Strength in this section. So my wife and I have moved into a new phase of my post infidelity. She went on a cruise with her sister-in-law last week and while she was gone I moved my stuff back into the house. We talked about it before she left, and the choice was left to me. She returned yesterday and I was in the house with my stuff in the guestroom. I can tell you that she wasn’t completely thrilled that I was there, but she did not ask me to leave. There where no raised voices, no complaints, and no angry discussions. As a mater a fact we didn’t speak at all I stayed in the guest room, and she stayed down stairs. After being gone for 2 months it was really nice to be home, even if we didn’t talk. I did find out by way of her email that she met a man on the cruise, and according to her “had an amazing time.” He lives near my brother and sister-in-law and that is where she is taking the kids for Thanksgiving. Needless to say even though I am back in the house I am not invited to go to. I am resolved to fight for my marriage, and there where a couple of ladies that gave me some great insight into my wife in my other topic thread, so I am hoping that some other good direction can come in this new stage.

She is still telling me that she wants a divorce. She is still telling me that she doesn’t want to rebuild anything with me. She is still telling me that I am wasting my time, and that she is done with us. Yet I still am back in the house, and I spend an almost unlimited time with the kids around her. I am not pushing her on anything I am simply there when she allows me to be, and I am hoping that that will be enough to give us some new ground to build on. I am concerned with the new man, but it could have also been just a fling to release some pain. I am not going to make an issue of it, and I am simply going to pray that it goes away. There will be a time where it can be discussed, just not now. I just need prayer to continue on this path that God has set me on, and wisdom to do things right with her in the process.

I have no sex drive!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 23:33:03 GMT

Am I wierd? After 12 years of marriage, I still have never experienced an orgasm and have little excitement for sex. Initially, sex was painful because of yeast infections but less so now with that mostly dealt with and proper lubrication. I can't begin to describe how hurt and rejected it has left my husband feeling when all I can really say is that it didn't hurt. He has turned to porn and online relationships to fill the gap but it is really my fault. I didn't know it would be like this before marriage. I always thought I was normal and the doctors have found nothing except some mild endometriosis, which they removed, but I have not been able to conceive as well. On top of this, I have become a workaholic, putting my energy into my profession and my projects instead of my husband. We are also over-involved in our small local church, past experiencing burnout, especially due to people who have hurt us and never seem to get it as far as loving and following the Spirit is concerned. My husband has begun to hate Sundays because it means that someone will complain to him about something petty and there will little, if any spiritual encouragement. Thus, with no help from me on a friend or lover basis or from the 'church', he is considering how to get out of everything. He doesn't feel that I can change or that anyone else is going to change. I have read "Love & Respect" with tears, failing in most of the categories for both men and women. Many times over the years, I have felt that I related to articles written for men better than for women. I am very withdrawn and don't really feel I can share this with anyone locally or in my family. Thus, to everyone, it looks like we are doing just fine but the opposite is really the truth. Where do I even start to show respect that is genuine from my position now - I have to believe there is hope in Christ and have been spending more time in the Word but still feel that I am so far from where I should be spiritually.

please pray for me and my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 13:34:13 GMT

i am in a bad state. my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. i have had problems with porn and then lying about it to her. i have tried myself to stop, but i keep doing it. i know she is very hurt by my problems. i cant stop crying. i hurt so much as well. please pray that we can work this out. right now she says she doesnt think we can work it out and is talking about getting together to discuss what to do about our stuff. i dont want divorce. please pray for me to be healed from my illness and pray for my marriage.

I Wish My Spouse Would Webcast: Archived Programs

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 18:43:23 GMT

Are these webcasts archived?

I would like to watch this evening with my wife who can't view the webcast today.

Thanks for your work for our families.

Herb

Taking different forks in the road.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:28:23 GMT

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Over the past few years, I have been strengthening my relationship with God. We have always been kind of luke warm in our spirituality but now I want more. However my biggest hurdle is my wife. She thinks we have "enough Jesus" as she puts it. She enjoys going to church when we go but she only wants to go occasionally or when there isn't something she would rather do. It seems that the harder I push to strengthen my relationship with Jesus, the harder she opposes. I have tried going by myself with the children but then she will agree to go but be in a bad mood all day and find fault with the sermon.If anything hits the news that is negative about a spiritual leader she says; See, that is what religion does for you. If I bring the subject up, she points out faults in me and starts an argument to turn things around. Any suggestions on what to do?

Thanks,

Greg

Wife no longer looks at me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 19:12:19 GMT

Something I have noticed over the last year is that during sex my wife no longer makes eye contact. She keeps her eyes closed the whole time. She also refers to it as "sex" and not "making love".

Even when I come home from work it is hard to get eye contact from her. Anyone else in a similiar situation?

Muddled Thinking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:24:09 GMT

I've been married for 11 years and have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Many things have happened over the course of the last 3 years or so. My mother-in-law lost a battle with cancer, our marriage has been tested, we are facing foreclosure, my spouse continues to work less than full time, my income is minimal, and other "events" in our lives. Spiritually I am drained, my muscles are always tense. I can't seem to shake this stress of all the changes going on and losing my home. Our children are part of this journey and I struggle to know what to do for them other than encourage that my husband and I are sticking together to work things out. We went to counseling where the therapist told me my husband has a unique personality (less than 1% of the population) and could not do much more to help. I am disillusioned, and discouraged. I am trying to seek the Lord through all this, but seem to be discouraged there as well. Any feedback on how to let go of the stress and make it through these times of tribulation? I'm at a loss of where to go.

my husband.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 20:51:53 GMT

my husband has bipolar he thinks that he does not need his meds our family suffers greatly i am at the end of not knowing what to do?

What more can be done?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 07:19:53 GMT

First, I just would like to say thank you for everyone that is willing to share there stories, frustrations, and problems on this forum. I have been coming here and reading most posts and relating with almost everyone here. I also have followed the advice that was given on these posts and it was very exciting how God can work in every situation.

With that out of the way here is just a breif history of what has been happening to me and my family. Last year in Febuary my wife started to get very angry at everything (me, the kids, our house, work, EVERYTHING). To keep this short I started seeking other people in the church, councilors, and my in-laws to help and my wife kept running away. Then finally last July she came out and told me that she cheated on me multiple times. Although it is a tough thing to grasp it didn't surprise me with the way she was living. She then said that she was going to be moving out of the house and filing for a divorce. Over the next few months she never moved out of the house and she nevered filed for divorce. So finally I had gotten our house sold and I moved out and took our 3 kids with me (November). Then on new years eve my wife came to me and said she wanted nothing to do with the OM and wanted to work on our marriage. Although this was kind of exciting at first there was a lot of garbage we had to work out.

That brings me to today. Last week my wife started blaming me for her cheating on me, and it looks like we are starting off where we were last year. During everything I got pluged into the right church and have kept seeking God and what he would have me do. Before he showed me how much I needed to be forgiven by him, and showed me how my wife needs that even more. But now with her contacting the OM again I feel like I have been backed into a corner and now need to file for divorce. I have asked this questions to my Triple Cord (Accountability Group or 3 men), my pastor, and a few others that are really close to me since this all started. I want to ask everyone here What more can be done? Where is the line of being forgiving and enabling the other person?

Overcoming issues with past porn use

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:40:22 GMT

Hi I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice on a situation I am in. I am getting married this summer to a wonderfully godly man, who loves the Lord with all his heart. He recently disclosed to me that he used pornography occasionally years ago. He told me that it is a struggle at times, but that he no longer looks at any of that. I truly do believe him when he tells me that; we have very open communication in our relationship, and I believe he would tell me if it was still an issue.

Here is my problem with it though. For years I have struggled with desiring "perfection" in my looks. I know that the images displayed in porn are women with "perfect" bodies, and I can't get it out of my head that since he has seen that, that is what he expects in me. I don't want to feel that I will disappoint him on our wedding night when he realizes that all is not perfect. I want so much to have a good marriage, and good sex! What can I do?

Are IUDs and Birth Control Pills Abortive?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 19:45:21 GMT

I recently read IUDs and BCPs can allow fertilization, but not allow implantation. I am very upset at this and would like to hear further input from the Christian community, as well as inform others of this possibility?...

I don't know what to do,,PLEASE HELP

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 01:41:22 GMT

I feel in love with a wonderful man,,a christian man,,after we married i found out he has had many sexual affairs,,,has done some disgusting acts with women. I've worked really hard to get past that and have done much better,,now i'm finding porn sights and downloaded porn movies on his cp,,when i question about it. he says i didn't watch it,,sin is sin,,many different replies,,he said he would stop but he hasn't..i have a 5 year old son and do not want him raised with porn in the house,, my husband says he loves me everyday and i've never denied him sex unless i were sick or extremily tired...I believe in taking care of your spouses needs,,I feel lied to and cheated,,,When we are in bed i feel that he is really wanting one of those woman on the cp screen,,,, i'm so depressed that sometimes i want to die,,Just quit,,stop the hurt,,

I need advise on how to handle the following situation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 28 May 2010 02:30:30 GMT

My husband left me for another women about 18 months ago. Their relationship has ended and we have been kinda dating since. I have told him I have forgiven him and offered my assistance with resetting up his home. I have stopped by a few times and helped clean and generally visited with him. I have asked him to help me with a few home improvement projects and he has came over willingly and helped me. The problem I am facing is he says things aren't going to change overnight and I understand this. He also says that he loves me but is not in love with me. The problem I am having is that he has not asked me to come over to his place or to help him out with any home projects. I had asked a direct question of "Did you want me to go with you tomorrow?" he answered "Can if you want." I ended up not going because I felt I wasn't answered. I am now awaiting him to contact me.

I am not sure how to take his answer and I need a mans perspective on this.

Advice after husband leaves to live gay lifestyle?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 18:24:41 GMT

Hello to all, I am VERY new to this, so please be patient. My husband of 20 years moved out three weeks ago. He told me that he is not in love with my anymore and that he is curious about the gay lifestyle. We have a wonderful 17 year old son. The two of us are devastated. We both have been talking to our priest and seeing a Christian Counselor. My husband wants a divorce. I pray everyday for my family, but my husband told me as recently as last night that he wants the divorce. I know that I did everything I could for my marriage, but my husband has given in to a lifestyle that does not include his family. I know God will love me and my son through this, but if anyone else can provide advice I would truly appreciate it.

Blessings to you all.

Today is Day 1

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 11:34:44 GMT

The plan was for my wife and kids to join me on the west coast, where my job went to, after our house sold. It didnt sell... After 18 months, I began to look for any way back to them. I had been only able to fly back and see them once every 4-5 months. It took over two and a half years to get back to my family. I missed alot of their lives. Holidays, birthdays, skinned knees, learning to ride a bike, calming down nightmare tears, etc. Our own nightmares came, as our savings depleted, trying to support two households. Creditors began to call and send intimidating letters. There are more bills than money every week.

My wife took the brunt of this all alone. I was 1400 miles away, worrying about what I was missing, and how bad I had it. I had no idea the hell she was in 24/7.

I came home in December, and for 3 weeks, my life and our marriage was better than I have ever remember. Some of my best memories in my whole life are from this period with my family.

My wife began to chat with some people online. She met a divorced gentleman and they begen to chat daily. I asked her not to give out any personal info online. No email address, phone numbers or address and name.

Soon after this my wife told me, she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me anymore. We had not been fighting, no yelling, nothing... Totally taken by surprise.

I reacted in all the wrong ways. I demanded to know why, begged her not to go, I grilled her about what she was doing online and about her contact with this other person. She always said the are "just friends". I asked her if she had gotten any emails or calls from him. She said no.

This was the beginning of the secrecy, and lies involving her and this other individual. I have found emails and lond distance calls adding up to more than 5 hours in the month she's known him. The hurt drove me to be more insecure and controlling. I wanted to cancel the cell phone and the internet. She tells me it isn't something I did, she just no longer feels "love" for me anymore. When we would talk about our issues, they were not fights, she was so withdrawn, that she has no emotion about anything.

I sought counselling and support. My friends and family say divorce her, she no longer loves you and doesn't care anymore. I am not ready to give in yet. I spoke with my pastor. He gave me the name of a christian counselor and told me about fireproof and the love dare. He agrees, not to give up, that our God still works miracles.

I brought Fireproof home last night and asked her to watch it with me. What a great movie! When it started, I immediatly saw the parralels to our marriage. She noticed fast also, she bacame tense and upset, but she did not get up to leave.

Satan tried to interrupt by having out daughter call out to my wife and need comforting,right in the middle of the movie. I just paused it, and waited patiently, 20 minutes went by. She came back up and sat down to watch the rest of the movie. When it was over, she was crying, something she has not done in years that I remember. She went up to bed. As I shut everything down, and picked up, I thanked God for the movie. I think it softened her heart just a little. I could not believe how close it was ,to what was going on in our marriage. I mean, I do not have a vice online, but the rest was us.

I woke up at 2 in the morning, convicted...... I went to the computer and looked into the thousands of pictures or porn I had saved to the computer in a file marked taxes, during our marriage. I had justified it as a response to our lack of intimacy in the marriage. Now I cried..... I deleted everything, pictures, bookmarks, anything, everything that I had allowed into our marriage. I asked God to forgive me and thanked him for making me face my part of our problems. How many years has my wife put up with my only putting minimum into our marriage. While deleting everything I found yet another email to her "friend" I asked God to help me with this. I read the Love Dare Day 1 Patience. Unfair... I want to wake and confront my wife about the email, but I wont. I will give it to God and and if I cant say anything nice, I wont mention it.

I woke my wife, as I was going to work this morning. I asked her to forgive me for my using porn instead or focusing on her and her needs. She said nothing.

I will spend as long as it takes to show my wife, my love for her.

Please Pray for us. I need the strength to continue to show how much I love her, when it appears she has already left the marriage. Hug those you love, let them know everyday how much they mean to you.

Thank you Lord, for helping us through this. God is good , all the time, even when it very dark, and you appear alone. He is with us.

Where do I begin

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 11:47:24 GMT

Two weeks ago my husband confessed to me he is deeply addicted to pornography and throughout our eight year marriage he has been involved in illicit sexual activities. He decided to confess to me because he felt so guilty about recently having a prostitute come to our home and perform sex with him while our infant children where asleep in bed and I was out of town over night. He says he is repentant and wants to change...I don't know how to respond. We are both Christians and have been Christians for 25 years. I don't have any one to talk with, that would not forever change our relationships with them. I know I am to forgive, but how do I work through this?

New here and need some advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 15:53:30 GMT

I've been married for over 15 years. Our marriage started out awkwardly as I was the one who did all the pursuing emotionally, physically and psychologically. I believed with all my heart that if we were just married, then whe would change and become my prince charming. Obviously, it didn't happen that way. He spent the day after our wedding playing video games with his best friend. A month into our marriage, I found out that he was addicted to pornography and wasn't interested in my body since I was pregnant with our first child. He eventually overcame the pornography with only two relapses. But our sex life has never been good since.

Needless to say, the last 15 years haven't been the best.I can't lay all the blame at his feet. I certainly didn't help with my mouth or nagging, but I can honestly say for the first 10 years I put all my heart and soul into trying to make it work. There came a point however, when I just didn't have the emotional energy to try anymore. Trying to homeschool our four children, keeping the house clean and repaired, keep the finances in order, volunteering several times a week at our church plus trying to put my all into our marriage completely drained me. I started a downward spiral into severe depression. It's taken me four long years to slowly climb back to a place where I can function on a daily basis.

From the beginning of our marriage I would beg him to spend time with me. The usual answer was that we didn't have the money to go out. I would suggest that we go for a walk or play a board game, anything just to spend time together. The tv usually won. I was lucky to have 1 to 2 dates per year. And to this day we've never had a night alone together with the exception of the night my father in law died and that wasn't to spend time together intimately. The money factor has never gone away either. It's his excuse for not buying me birthday, anniversary, Christmas or mother's day presents. Yet, I'm the one who takes care of the finances and I know whether the money is there or not. (He refuses to, but that's another story.)

For years when I would try to talk to my family or friends and even ministry for support or advice, they would defend him. Everyone just loves him. I was told over and over again that it was my place to arrange the dates, seduce him in the bedroom or to just be supportive of him since he must be having personal struggles. I've never had even one person see my side of the situation. I've begged him over and over for marital counseling, but that never materializes either. The one thing that has kept me positive through all of this though has been our friendship with each other. Our friendship would always seem to see us through the worst of times.

Two years ago we had a wonderful summer. For the first time I felt as if he really saw me and we were making wonderful strides towards healing our marriage. That all fell apart in one night however. We both ended up drinking too much wine and pushing the comfort level in our sex life. The next day, although a little uncomfortable, I was ok and saw it as a learning experience of what not to do. My husband, however, totally flipped out. For five months he totally withdrew from me. No touching, no kissing, no serious talking, no friendship. When he finally did start talking to me again, he was angry at me. He said that I had emotionally hurt him over the years and had removed his identity as a man. He said that I was intimidating, I controlled everything and that I had pushed him out of my life. His words crushed me. I've tried everything I've known to do, everything that was suggested to me or I got from reading numerous marriage books to try to make this work. Now I'm the one with the issues??? I've never wanted the control or the responsibilities that were dropped on me. But when a man abdicates all of his responsibilites in a family, someone has to pick-up those responsibilities or the family is in chaos.

We are now at a stale-mate. I have finally grown a backbone and have told him that if he wants a future with me emotionally, physically or psychologically, then he needs to treat me with respect as his wife and not as a mother figure or a prostitute. For years I've had no self-respect, no belief that I was "worthy" enough to be loved and appreciated. If I don't treat myself with respect, then how can I expect anyone else to? I especially do NOT want my daughters to settle for anything but true love and respect and I am their role model. I also do not like my husband touching me in any way. He feels like a stranger to me, and just like I would be uncomfortable with any stranger touching me, I feel the same way with him. I have asked him to begin to court me, the right way, the way we should have in the beginning, so we can try to rebuild the relationship the right way, from the ground up. He refuses to do anything to pursue or woo me because I am his "wife" and suppossed to do what he wants. If I really "loved" him, I would be more understanding and not so "needy." That I wouldn't draw back when he tries to hug and kiss me. Or he will attempt something very small and half-heartedly and if I don't respond with undying love and adoration and physical manifestations of my gratitude, he gets angry and says I'm not trying. I'm not trying to make it difficut. I honestly don't know how to overcome both our negative emotions except for trying again from scratch. I guess I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing.

Recently, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. He has been texting me on a regular basis, several times a day. Honestly, I am NOT interested in an affair. That's the farthest thing from my mind because I'm just not interested in him or any other man in that way. Not to mention that I would NEVER do that to my children. But it is fun to flirt and find that someone finds me interesting as a person. I like feeling special and it boosts my self-esteem. But it mainly re-iterates to me the lack of fulfillment in my own marriage that I'm finding enjoyment from someone just texting me.

I'll be honest though, I don't know at this point whether I want to find that with my husband. It just hurts too badly. Not to mention that I don't find him attractive or interesting anymore.

That's about it. If anyone has any words of advice, I would sure appreciate it. Thanks for your time and slogging through this with me.

20 year marriage has lost its zing

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:32:52 GMT

Hi, I'm a 38 year old father of 5. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. Recently my oldest son has moved out of the house (he's 19) and my wife is having a hard time adjusting. We got married young, I was 18 she was 17, and she has told me that she regrets not having the chance to live on her own. She is very cold and distant to me and the other children. I have tried "romancing" her as I did when we were dating and that didn't work. I tried leaving her some space and that didn't work either. We are both very active in our church, I am a deacon and she is the youth coordinator, and we don't see divorce as an option. I don't want to continue to see her suffer like this and I'm just not doing the right things. You got any tips for me to try?

Separated and looking for prayer partners ~ ~ ~

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 22:15:00 GMT

I am currently separated from my husband ~ it's tough, but managable because of God's faithfulness There is still hope for us, like many of you, and.... I'm just wondering if we could assemble a group of us together in this marriage community that would be committed to praying specifically for the needs of one another, with a faith that God is going to work in mighty ways that we can't even imagine! I don't know about you, but I'm in need of an Aaron to hold the staff for me about now (like he did for Moses) so I can rest knowing that someone else is joining me asking God for a miracle. And for others whose marriages have reached the point of no return (we know this happens sometimes) God can still work in unimaginable ways for you too that you never expected! That may mean peace and strength for you just to get through it all. That's huge! If anyone is interested in joining me, please respond so we can get connected, start seriously praying for one another, and begin keeping in touch; sharing how God is beginning to work in our marriages ~ one at a time...

In the throws of Separation and don't know if my marriage is salvageable.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 01:57:32 GMT

I had been married for almost eight years when I moved out of the house. I felt disrespected and unloved, he had become detatched always wanted to be with his friends playing D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) at night and would not come home until about 4or 5am then get mad because I couldn't keep the children quiet so that he could sleep until about 11 or 12pm. Then he would wake up and play on his video game all day. I have sat him down and explained my concern but to no avail it did not seem to phase him. (This was a second marriage for the both of us) I moved out, then about two months later we were "back together" and everything seemed to be going ok we were still living in separate houses. Then in January of this year, he had proceded to tell me that the marriage was over. I found out from his internet page that he was in a relationship with another woman, they both swear up and down that they are not intimate but yet they are living together and have been for about 3 or 4 months. I have done everything wrong by pleading with him, begging ect...... Everytime we talk to each other it always ends up in a heated argument to the point of yelling. He acts like I have no right to be angry he keeps throwing it in my face that I was the one who walked out on him first. I don't know what else to do, I wrote him a release letter. Is there a chance that it can be salvaged or am I just hanging on to unrealistic expectations? Thank you for reading this.

My forgiveness contract

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:35:56 GMT

This is a very freeing approach towards forgiveness and how God used that initial step and the ongoing process to begin healing me, when I was too angry and devastated and outraged to care if I ever healed or if we reconciled.

I've shared elsewhere how my husband's infidelity, timed with my depression and an extended time of extreme pressure, was extremely hurtful. There was a previous affair that he voluntarily ended and disclosed, but this time I accidently caught him in the deception-- which included using Bible Study as an alibi to both me and the other suspecting husband. So I was this time not inclined to forgive AT ALL.

Forgiving a spouse who has been a jerk or selfish, who has given their love to others is not easy. Here's how I summarized this elsewhere:

It is hard, it is unfair. It is also a command from God, a requisite to our own forgiveness, ...and it is God's gift to us.... And you are absolutely right. It is completely not fair or right that this individual that we trusted completely disregarded vows, our love, our trust, everything and had the "fun" of the affair and now their simply forgiven so that's great too? Every bit of me rebelled against the thought. I was in a depression and miserable when he was doing this for 7 months, and he was in oblivion to me.... And I'm worse than miserable now? Yes-- forgiveness is not logical nor is it fair, this is true. BUT-- it is the same when we think of what we did to God's Son. And what we continue to do in our sinful state. For those of us who are Christian, we know the huge sacrifice He made for us in leaving beautiful heaven to come and live an impoverished life and die for us a violent death-- separating from His Father so that we, and most of us don't even accept the gift-- so we could choose or not choose to accept what He did. It is not fair nor is it right, but He did it for us. Forgiveness is a model of what Christ did for humanity. And when you choose to do it-- and for me, the choice was the hardest thing as I really didn't want to-- God can then begin to heal you. You do it for you.

I did have details of the affair from my husband. This works for me, I have been an analyst for years-- this is how I process major life events. Because of this though, I had a myriad of things to be mad about, and hence a myriad of things to forgive. I had too many thoughts swirling 24x7, with new hurts being realized as this all sunk in. I was trying to make some sense out of things. My wise Christian Therapist/Psychiatrist suggested I journal my hurts. I chose to do this in the form of a forgiveness contract.

It took some significant prayer to get the first words down, which were "I choose to forgive you for the following..." I stated it as a choice, because I didn't think I could actually forgive until months from now, but with God's grace, when I gave him the contract, I was ready to forgive.

I then wrote out in a simple Word document, so I could edit it easily as my mind attempted to sort through the levels of hurt, a simple bulleted list of hurts. Besides the obvious breaches of marriage, an example would be, that he took the cell phone that I bought him for Christmas and abused my gift by using it to call her for hours daily. Another was that he took my car and used it to go visit her at her work place and made out in it. I tried to include everything-- I was giving each pain to God. I did this for several days, and when I was done, the list was 4 pages long!

I gave the list to my husband 3 days before a scheduled forgiveness ceremony that we planned with our pastor. He needed time to absorb it, and to refute or explain anything. He was floored-- he had no idea, he said, of the many ways this had hurt me (even though I had thrown several of these at him in heated moments). Reading this in private and letting it sink in made him see that this wasn't just about running around with another man's wife to me. This was hugely painful.

With the pastor out of the room, at the forgiveness ceremony, he delivered a spoken earnest apology from his heart that included many references to the many ways he had hurt me, which showed that he got it. I then read my list, and then we proceeded with the rest of the ceremony.

My Dr. has said it this has been visibly freeing and cleansing for me. I no longer felt the need to repeatedly remind or impress him with the magnitude of what he had done, or make sure he realized the various ways he had hurt me. Forgiveness also relieves you of the desire to punish, because I basically gave God the list. He will handle any punishment, and as my husband repented and because the Bible says if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness I don't have to hold onto that. We both prayed that God would comfort and heal each listed hurt-- and I can honestly say He has!

Our thought was to burn the contract, but we chose a simple modern shredder. And I have never had the urge to read back through that list again.

This gift from God was the beginning of my regaining peace, of unburdening a huge load of anger and hurt, and of a chance for restoration.

Does anyone struggle with loneliness during their "stand" for their marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:49:31 GMT

I have been struggling with feeling weak in my stand for my marriage. Not because I do not want my husband anymore, but I am lonely. I have prayed for God to remove the temptation of thinking about a life with someone other that my husband. I think I am missing love and affection from a person who values me as a woman. It has been a long time without the loving touch of my husband. I am not just talking about intimacy, but just a hug or a kiss. Someone showing you they care about you and love you.. I feel like something is wrong with me since my husband left me for another. Like I need affirmation by a man that I am attractive and desirable. I can see how during this time it would be easy to "fall" quickly for another because of this longing for affection. I stay away from friendships with any men. I know I am vulnerable. . I bring this to the Lord and ask him to take away this feeling from me. I do not want to do anything that would cause me to sin. I want to stay pure during my stand. I pray also for God to keep temptations away because I feel weak in this area. Any one else struggle with this.?

Thank you for any advice~ Chipfishing

I pulled a bone head and ruined my wife's trust in me. I don't think I can fix this.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 30 May 2010 04:23:49 GMT

Well, I'm an idiot and admit it, but I need help.

Two days ago, I was watching a youtube video and followed an explicit link. Why? I don't even know myself. Temptation and curiosity is my only ill-excuse. Its happened before, but I've always come to my senses and exited out on my own accord. This time, however, my wife walked in the door unexpectedly 2 min later and heard the sounds of what I had on the computer. I came clean and admitted what I did. But it is crushing her... and me. This is the second time in 2 years I have made this mistake and had to admit my fault... She doesn't feel like she can trust me, which I understand. I want to tell her that it won't happen again, but it would be an empty promise since I've said that before. I go on long business trips often and I need her to know she can trust me while I'm away.

My wife is beautiful inside and very attractive to me as well. She is a godly woman who has tried and succeeded in keeping me satisfied at home. I have no reason or intention of wandering outside our marriage.

I just don't have a clue where to take this now. I know that I can not fix this on my own and nothing will be the same now. I need to prove to her my faithfulness is only to her, but actions speak louder than words and I am just not sure how, even with time, I can get that message to her after this. When I married her, I married my best friend. I need her and I just don't know how to do this on my own. How many time can she forgive me when I can barely forgive myself? What can I possibly show her to express myself when my there is nothing left of my credibility?

How to talk to my kids about divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 13:36:55 GMT

My husband of 17 years has decided he doesn't want to be married or serve God anymore. He has moved out of our home and into his much younger girlfriend's house. We have three boys ages 11, 9 and 3 and I am so broken hearted for them. I'm unsure how to talk with them about this. Everything I have read says be honest with your children. How honest? I'm concerned about the example their father is setting for them as he lives with another woman while married to me. We were in Christian counseling for a few months and I hoped he would realize he was making a mistake and come back home, however, he has asked for a divorce. He has been gone since July of last year but comes and goes to see the kids, nothing consistent. Being a paramedic the nature of his job does take him away from home a lot so at first the kids would say "where's daddy, is he working again?" Unfortunately I said yes. For a while it worked, they knew daddy worked a lot. Now they need to know the truth, they are catching on and deserve the truth. But how much truth is the question. Do I say daddy decided he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and lives with his girlfriend? How do I continue to raise them with Christian values setting examples in my own life while they watch daddy live with his girlfriend? I'm scared, angry, hurt, broken hearted, confused, and even somewhat in denial that this is really happening to us.

The broken pastor's wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 07:48:19 GMT

As a child, my husband was exposed to a lot of pornography at his grandfather's house. He's grown up struggling with this sin. About 3 years ago, I found pornographic sites on his computer. I confronted him with it, and he took several actions to deal with it. He and another pastor are accountability partners, he installed X3watch on his computer (this shows questionable sites he's viewed to his accountability partner), and he and another male have done a Bible study on pornography. I have trust issues, however. My husband is a pastor, and although I'm most concerned about the damage porn can do to our marriage and our 2 children, I'm also concerned that it can cost him his job and public humiliation. We just received our cable bill, and a pay-per-view movie was listed with a title that sounds pornographic. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I CANNOT trust him.

Husband doesn't provide financially and I'm tired of it -what can I do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 03:37:57 GMT

My husband and I have been married several years now and I have been the breadwinner in our family. I've been the financial planner, responsible for almost all of our bills with the agreement that he would focus on his career working with his brother's business and use his lower income to completely pay off any student loans and credit card debt he accrued before we were married. Because of this debt, we have kept our finances separate. When I had our son, I found out that not only had my husband not been paying back his student loans, but he was also making less than minimum wage at his job because he was going out on service calls and was paying for travelling expenses out of his own pocket instead of having the business reimburse him. Needless to say I was furious! Not only did I have to return to work after the birth of our son, but my husband decided that it would be a good financial decision if he quit working and stayed home. I felt like I didn’t have a choice in the matter. We needed my income to pay the bills, but it also wasn't enough to cover the cost of childcare.

Now my son is 2 and I would have liked to have had another child, but not unless I am able to stay home (as we had originally agreed to when we were first married). Unfortunately my husband has made no move to find any job or start a career that will support our family. He is working part-time, but only because I refused to give him any extra cash out of my income to pay down his student loans or cover any other expenses of his own. I know it sounds selfish and cruel, but I kept our finances separate because I don't feel like I can trust him and was not sure whether I wanted to remain married. Things got better for a while and I've made every effort to make this work. My husband has made many promises, unfortunately he never follows through. Is there some way I can get him to be more ambitious and hard-working? I've been as positive, supportive, and upbeat as I can possibly stand. Some days I feel like I just want to scream at him but I don't. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. If he doesn’t change, can I justifiably leave and divorce him if he doesn't provide for us? I don't see any Biblical support for a wife required to provide financial support to an able-bodied husband.

How to Orgasm

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 10 May 2010 16:05:09 GMT

My husband and I were both virgins when we were married. We have been married for almost a year now, and I have yet to orgasm. I enjoy sex and usually am the one to initiate. But it is frustrating to know that there is supposed to be more. My husband is frustrated too and feels like he is failing me. Is this normal?

Any tips?

Problems communicating and need help.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:26:47 GMT

Hi Everyone. I know my problem probably seems small but it is really weighing on me. My husband and I have been married now for 6 years. We have a 5 year old and 2 year old. I am about to have our 3rd baby any day now. I know that I should be happy that God is blessing us with a 3rd baby but I'm not. I am angry right now. I told my husband I was not ready for a 3rd and while I know it takes 2 people to create a baby I did try my hardest to not let myself get pregnant. It of course did not work. My husband wanted a 3rd and wants more. I have told him that this is it and I can't have anymore. I love my children now. I consider myself to be a good parent. I try to be patient and listen to them. Strict yet loving.

My problem is that I am very angry with him for this and I don't know why. We have always had sleep problems with our 5 year old and during the night she only wants me. Our 2 year old is still waking up throughout the night. Now we are about to have another one that of course is going to need me all throughout the night because I am going to be breast feeding. I have told my husband in the past month that he is going to have to take care of our son when he gets up because I am up with our daughter some and of course I am so uncomfortable with being pregnant that I am not getting much sleep anyway. He is now getting angry with me and telling me that I need to get up more with our son. I told him that I do not feel I need to let our little boy get used to me being up with him because things are going to change very very soon.

I am stressed to the max and I try to get my husband to understand that so many things are about to change. My daughter is starting K5 in a few days. My son is about to be a big brother and isn't going to have his sissy around. He is also going to have to get used to having a baby brother around that requires alot of my attention. I feel like so many things are about to change for me and not too much for my husband. He will still go to work from 9 - 6:30 everyday. He will come home and instead of helping me with the kids til about 10 he will now have to only help until about 8 since we are starting to go to bed earlier for school. I have tried to go over the schedule we are about to have to have and he doesn't like it. He said that he doesn't want to get up any earlier than he has to to go to work. He is also saying (or joking...I don't really know) that he is going to try to get more hours at work. He laughs at me when I tell him how stressed out I am about all the changes and I really need his support. I am sorry this is so long. I guess my question is. How do I communicate what I need from him and not get laughed at or made to feel that it is not that serious. I have cried about it to him. Begged him to just try to understand where I am coming from and nothing is helping.

Any advice would be awesome.

Thank you!

how to move on?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 14:13:11 GMT

I woke up at 2am the other night and found my husband looking at internet porn. He says he gave into temptation and knows it was wrong and appologized. He also says it won't happen again. I'm not sure I believe him. I have found questionable sites on our computer history before and confronted him about it and he has always denied it. It didn't always sit well with me, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now that I actually caught him, I'm full of doubt about those other times and I don't know if I can trust that he really will never do it again.

I'm left feeling awful about myself because I don't understand what he's missing in our marriage that he felt he needed to look at that stuff. I'm also feeling guilty because I don't know how to trust him. He's moved on and acting like nothing ever happened, but I'm stuck.

Depression

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 06:10:01 GMT

How can I talk to my husband about my depression, what I'm feeling, what would help me if I don't even know what will? I tried to approach this subject but I feel like I can't fully express myself. The words just won't come without him getting hurt. I'm so lonley at home, I am almost house bound with physical pain - 2 1/2 years of lower back pain that radiates down my left leg. I go to work, come home only to be so exhausted, I spend much of the time on the couch. I have been to several doctors, had several epidurals, physical therapy, etc. I honestly want to die and go to heaven during the lowest times.

I know I am no fun to be around and yet there are times I truly want to be alone. These last few weeks have been worse than normal. I don't know what to tell him - I don't know what will help me feel better so how can I tell him how to help?

We live in a very rural area and good doctors are limited and usually hours away. My obgyn has tried a few different drugs in the past to try to help with the depression but everything has side effects which I seem to experience the worst of, the drugs only make things worse.

Please help me..please...I had an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:43:41 GMT

Hi

I am new here and found this board, I'm hoping ANYONE can help me. I'm on the brink of losing my marriage and I'm deeply depressed and don't know what to do.

It's a very long story but I will try and cut it short. I am a 31 year old female, I have been married for almost 8 years. My H and I always had a great marriage, until we moved to another country for his work and I felt completely out of my depth and was lonely and one day I started talking to a guy and it ended up in an affair. He was engaged at the time and about to be married (he did get married). He was going off to Iraq for the military so we met up before he went just for a drink (nothing more at that stage) but then we kept in contact via IM, webcam, email etc whilst he was over there, it was pretty intense and got pretty sexual at one point. I told him I was separated from my husband (I wasn't) because i wanted to keep him around. He came home in February on leave..we slept together for the first time, it was amazing, I really fell in love, but the guilt was way too much for me to handle so I confessed to my H..he was devestated but agreed to give me another chance as I was not myself and am not the sort of person to cheat and he told me to cut contact with the other guy. I did...and he said Ok but it would be hard as he loves me but I told him to stay away quite harshly. He came home in July for good..I couldn't stand it anymore, I missed him and contacted him last week...we saw each other and all the old feelings came back. He said he had changed though and wanted to be faithful to his wife and he could not do this, even though he loves me, but he said he would always like to be friends, even with my H!! I was shocked at that, but the tension got to much and we had sex, he said we needed that to get over it, but to me it got worse and I fell in love with him more. My H could sense something and I confessed (not to the sex) but to still having feelings and he has given me one last chance but I have to cut ties completely and end everything or he is gone..

i don't want my H to leave...but I do love this other guy too..I can't bear the thought of losing him but I don't want to lose my marriage too..I'm very cut up and torn. The other guy was ready to leave his wife a few months ago but then he said I was better off with my H and changed his mind. Now he said we take it day by day, but I dont' have that chance anymore. He also thanked me for not telling his wife..and for not ruining his life but he said "I've ruined yours almost though".

so I have two choices, to completely cut ties and never see or hear from him again or tell his wife..because I did hear that during our affair there were other women too. right now he is on vacation with his wife living it up and I'm in pain here, he has none of that. I'm so confused because I feel I love him and hate him too.

Some advice please? Do you think he really loves me or is playing games and using me?

Please, any help I would appreciate, I don't know what to do. I always thought my H was my soulmate..now I'm really really confused...please help me, thank you.

What is a normal progression for healing from porn addiction?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:32:01 GMT

My husband has been clean for 2 years now, prior to that we went through him admitting he was looking at porn within a year of our marriage- 2 years and 2 babies later he was still looking at it, still admitting it, and still saying he couldn't stop, still refusing to go to counseling. I think I spent the entire two years crying. I told him I was leaving. He started counseling with a pastor. A few months later I figured out how to find all his stuff- his "admin" account that was because he was the computer person, that he didn't "bother" give me the password to was, of course, where he was hiding it. It wasn't small, there was tons of stuff, he was looking at it at least 3 times a week. It was really hurtful to realize how he'd lied about how extensive it was. His response at the time was to ask why I needed to know that, did I want to be more hurt by checking up on him. His demeanor for the next couple years went back and forth between a beaten dog, I'm so sorry look and a self-righteous you need to forgive and get over it attitude. I felt horribly guilty for crying when he looked so sad, and of course, his other attitude infuriated me. Every six months I'd find one lapse, which started with a more serious looking at local escorts, and ended with minor looking at some magazine with scantilly clad women and toys. Now he has been clean for so long, we're starting a new part of our relationship. He isn't hurting me, yet I still have periods where I can hardly stand to be around him, I'm still upset, I see a photo from that period, and the feelings come on really strongly, even though I know he has no idea that it would bring that on, and I know it was the last thing on my mind until I saw the picture. He says I'm just really unforgiving and holding a grudge. I feel like I can't help the feelings, they just come on. In the past I thought it was the lapse that was bringing back all the pain, now I don't know why I'm not letting go, but I still feel like I'm grieving for what happened, and still feel that we're not close. We tried some marriage counseling, but it came down to him saying that if I was happy, he was happy, and the counselor didn't seem willing to pry into what he's doing now, or really have any helpful suggestions for bringing closure to this. Also, he didn't ask us what we had done since the previous session, just asked how we were doing, and I just felt like that made me the bad guy, who was always complaining and unhappy. So, I don't know anyone who has had a husband come clean, and healed from this, and so I was hoping for some encouragement that my marriage can improve, that we can have trust again, and respect. I read these other stories, and I know I SHOULD just feel grateful, he's clean. It's hard feeling like the person I should be able to share anything with just wants to hear sweetness and light, we used to be best friends, and I really want to go back to that kind of closeness.

Husband's way of coping with infertility............

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 06:31:48 GMT

My husband and I have been married a little over eight years. We both wanted to have children, although we agreed that we would wait for the first few years for many different reasons. After the first year or so, we stopped using a reliable source of birth control and figured we'd just let nature take its course. We didn't actively try and we weren't especially hoping for a baby, but we weren't trying to prevent it from happening either. We figured God would give us a baby when the time was right. I graduated from college and we moved to Mexico immediately afterwards and lived there for two years. During that time we still weren't using birth control, but building a family wasn't a concern or goal. We had a lot going on during that time. I was working in a high-stress job and I didn't really think about having children much. Sometimes I would randomly wonder if things were "okay" since it had been a few years and nothing had happened, but for the most part it was on the back burner as we tried to survive our time in Mexico and work on all of the steps of getting my husband's immigration situation corrected. I guess you could say I almost "forgot" about it, in a way.

When we were finally able to get my husband's permanent residency and return to the states, things moved quickly. We bought a house and got full-time jobs and health insurance. Things seemed to be in place and now that I didn't have college or immigration to worry about, I started to think about babies. This was about four years ago. I tried taking my temperatures every morning and charting. I read books and blogs about fertility....... The truth began to hit me. Everywhere I read said that not getting pregnant after that long meant there were issues, especially since I was still in my twenties and my husband in his early thirties. I started going to the doctor. A thyroid problem was discovered, as well as some hyperprolactinemia which was probably a secondary effect of the thyroid issue. I've been on medication to correct those issues for nearly two years now and all the tests say they're corrected and the doctor says my reproductive system appears robust and healthy.

Well, to get to the point, over the last three years I have asked my husband if he will get evaluated by a doctor and he flat-out refuses. Usually he has simply ignored me, and the one or two times I've been very aggresive and refused to accept silence as an answer, he has given me a firm, stern, "no," as though I'm an annoyingly persistent child asking for candy or something. Not only that, but he refuses to even acknowledge that there is any issue at all. With me, he'll flat out ignore me in most cases when I bring up anything relating to us having children, whether that be in the near future or the distant future. When his family asks about it, he will either change the subject or crack a joke, like say "We already have the cat."

If I directly ask him if he even wants children, when he doesn't ignore me, he will give me a short "yes," but that's it. He refuses to express any emotion at all regarding the issue and the part that really hurts is that he acts like it's not even worth his time to think about it. Having children is not the end-all be-all of my life and I don't believe that it's something I must do in order to prove myself as a woman. I don't have to have a baby "right now." I know that God has a plan for us. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. I can handle knowing I won't have a baby this year or next year or five years from now, but the really hard concept to swallow is that I may never have one........ ever. If that's what the Lord has chosen for us, than I will be able to accept it with His help, but I feel so alone. This is the issue where I most need my husband's love and support, but he refuses to even acknowledge that its an issue in our life. I know men aren't wired the same way women are and having children does not mean to them the same thing it means to us, but if he loves me, could he at least acknowledge that for me, this is something I can't just throw to the wind and say "oh well" and then get on with my life without grieving? The desire to have children is ingrained in me so deeply. No matter how hard I try, I can't just stop desiring it. My mind can tell me that life without children will be easier, but my heart won't listen.

Recently we watched an inspiration movie where the husband was a football coach, I can't remember the name. Anyway, there is a scene where the couple is coming to the realization that they won't be able to have children and they cry together and embrace eachother. During that scene I started crying myself, my husband didn't notice. I wasn't really crying because I could empathize with thier situation, but more because I was wishing that my husband would cry with me. I can't make him feel something he doesn't or want something that's not important to him, but it still hurts.

We went to counseling this winter regarding other issues, but the counseling was a hundred bucks a session and we could only afford three sessions. Our fertility issues never got a chance to be covered since there was other stuff we needed to deal with...... and then the funds ran out. We just can't afford it. We live in a remote rural area and counseling is a hundred bucks a session..... from either of the two counselors in town.

Are there any husbands out there who have had fertility issues in thier marriage who could possibly shed some light on the guys perspective?

Please help me I really want to have an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:11:13 GMT

Hello,

I am a 26y/o female that has been married for 2 years. Before I became married I dated my husband for 3 years. I found out that my husband had an affair a couple months ago. I NEVER thought he would do something like that to me. It lasted for a couple months and then I caught him. I thought he was a great Christian man that loved me with every breathe in his body. He was always so super nice to me and would tell me about how "true" he is to me and would always comment on how much he loves me. I trusted him with all of my heart.

Anyhow, I have completely lost every single piece of respect for him. We have joined counceling, but I feel so lost b/c I can't trust one word that comes out of his mouth. The pain of all of this has been unbearable. I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest and I was literally drowing in sorrow with no relief in sight. The pain is indescribable and torturous. I have forgiven him, truly. But I can't trust him. Our marriage is in dissarry and I find myself more and more drawn to the opposite sex for whatever reason. I have always considered myself to be a strong christian but now I feel so weak. I have been inviting one of my co-workers (male) over to hang out and just talk. I am completely attracted to him and the more I think about him the more I want to have an affair with him. He has been messageing me inappropriate things. Also, to make things worse he is like 6 years younger than myself. I would never considered having an affair before I found out that my husband cheated, but I just don't respect him at all anymore and hardly care about what I'm doing. It feels so unfair to be the one stuck in misery.

I don't know what to do. I really want to have an affair (it is so horrible but I'm being honest.) I am struggling soooo much with temptation that it is insane. Is their any advice out there? Has anyone else gone through this? I know I don't seem like the person who would even consider something like this, but I am so lost right now.

Confused and Lost

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:21:13 GMT

I have been married for almost 21 years. My husband told me about 10 months ago that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave. Since then he has steadily drawn farther away from me. He actually left me about 10 days ago. All I want to do is talk to him. I have purchased a couple of books - "Love must be tough" and "Hope for the separated". I know that if I continue to contact him it will only push him further away. I constantly pray morning and night, not only for him and our marriage, but also for our three children and for the Lord to give me strength and patience. I know that everything happens for a reason and through all of this, I have become closer to the Lord and my relationship with Him is becoming stronger. I worry all the time that my husband will not come back or that his pride will not allow him to do so. I have my good moments and my bad moments. I gave the book, "Hope for the separated" to my husband to read in hopes that he would find the pieces that I did about God's will to reconcile our marriage and how. I know that our marriage needs work and I am willing to work on it. I just am so sick and scared that he isn't. How can I get past this feeling? At times I feel hopeless. Is this normal? Why do I just want to curl up in a corner sometimes and cry? Why do I hurt so bad? How can he be so strong about all of this? Why doesn't he want to work on this and just wants to run away? Sometimes I feel like a big baby. I've lost my best friend and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and shared three beautiful children with. I'm so confused.

harmful t.v. in our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 19:05:32 GMT

My husband is currently going thru a wonderful, biblically based program aimed to heal sexual addiction. He struggles with porn and lust. But I am having an very hard time dealing with him watching the MTV reality show 'Jersey Shore'. If you have not seen it, it is extremely sexually explicit and vulger. The whole show is pretty much about sex...everyone and everybody having sex with each other. It's digusting and extremely offensive. I believe very strongly that it is not only dishonoring to God in our home, but that it is actually a hindrance and downright harmful especially to a godly man seeking purity. But yet he doesn't see it this way. I've even expressed how much it makes me uncomfortable that he watches it, but yet he still does.

My question is: is this something that I should allow him the choice to watch, praying God will open his eyes to see it for what it truly is? Or is it something I should put a boundary on because it is just not acceptable?

legalism in the bedroom

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 21:46:49 GMT

my wife and i have been married for 23 yrs now, about 5 yrs ago our church disbanded and we wound up going to a new church that i didnt realize was very legalistic concerning theology until later as i started researching scripture concerning losing one's salvation, women wearing pants and jewlery etc.

no preaching of grace whatsoever.

i had finally had enough of it and we decided that i would find another church that i felt preached the grace message while my wife wanted to stay in the other congregation. so she and our oldest son he is 32 go to the original church and me and my 15yr old attend a great grace church.

The problem she has brought into our bedroom chamber the legalism that is taught in the congregation she attends.

Things that we used to do during intimacy are considered no no's and its become pretty vanilla now.

She sees everything as being sinful, i've asked her to put some pants and light blouses and she refuses to saying she doesnt want to look like the world.

Even in our bedroom she wont her sexy lingerie anymore, even listening to classic rock music which i grew up on or watching maybe a reality t.v shows

she gets upset and starts criticizing what were watching.

Instead of being with me when i want intimacy she prefers to read her bible instead and thens goes to sleep.

I've tried to talk with her about this and referred to focus on the family which she listens to in the morning but nothing has changed.

Im getting frustrated now and as a christian husband who is constantly being bombared by sexual images everywhere its hard to keep my mind pure.

im tired of always initiating intimacy and being rejected certain times it very painful and i want to be chased once in a while.

i want to be loved unconditonally by her just like Christ does to me but she gets judgmental when we are in bed and it hurts.

I've started having almost physical dreams with familiar spirits where im having actual intimacy but i wake up just in time to find out its not my wife

im having it with.

I ve prayed over and over again to our heavenly father but nothing is happening.

My imaginary lovers are calling to me again but i keep the door shut.

i love my wife so much i want the magic we had before we started attending the legalistic congregation.

how can someone who reads her bible so much yet has no compassion its affecting our entire houseold also.

i no im not perfect in anyway but i've told her i love no matter what.. we even pray in the mornings together to keep our marriage strong

but again nothing ...

any counsel would help.

I need Help!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 05:14:46 GMT

I am new here at this website. I am 24 and I have been married for 1yr 4mths to my wife who is 23. We both are Christians and have been raised this way. We were both virgins up to marriage. Long story short I have messed up my life in 3 mths time. I went to a strip club for my bachelor party and I got hooked fast. I got hooked so hard that not only did I go once but several times before I got married but after I got married. I spent roughly $16000 in cash and credit cards. I came clean to my wife the first time and said I would never do it again but of course I did it again. We are still married but it has been extremely a tough road. Divorce has been mentioned several times. I have apologized several times and I know until the end of days I will be doing that. In recent conversations my wife says I digust her, that there is now intimacy or chemistry between us at all. Even if I try to simply kiss her strikes up a bad conversation. Techniqully we haven't even had sex yet. I don't know how much I can take of this. I know its all my fault but its hard. I don't know what to do. I've reached depression. Of course my wife says there is no trust and I understand that. I need advice what should I do??? This started Feb 22 2008 got married March 15 2008, and stopped going with the stripper in May of 2008. I never had any oral or intercourse with the stripper. Please help...

Helping Non-Christians in Their Marriage Struggles

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:46:53 GMT

I am still in my first year of marriage and am enjoying it so much! So it pains me to know that one of my coworkers is filing for divorce after only 1.5 years of marriage. She didn't come to work for a few days and when she finally came back, she told me that she and her husband were going to split up. She didn't provide any more details and I didn't want to pry, mainly because I don't want people to tell me things if they aren't comfortable with sharing, and also because I am fairly new to this workplace. A few days ago, she mentioned taking a day off next week to go file for the divorce. I also watched with sadness as she took down pictures of her husband and wedding from her desk. My heart really goes out to her even though I don't know her all that well. I read the article Ten Ways to Help a Friend or Family Member Who is Struggling in Their Marriage, but it seems as though it is geared more towards helping Christian friends and family members. How can I help a non-Christian? My husband and I just pray for her. Perhaps that is the best and only thing we can do. I let her know I am available to listen any time she wants, that I am praying for her (she was not offended by this), and made a small care package of her favorite coffee drinks. Is there anything else I can do?

Establishing relationship with adult step daughter

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:58:08 GMT

My husband and I have four children of our own ( 7, 10, 12, and 16). He has a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 20. Just to give you a little history....

Husband's ex left when step daughter was 6 wks old and took her out of state. My husband visited her once a year. My husband and I married when she was 4. Ex wife had already remarried and wanted husband to give up rights so new husband could adopt her. She has always fought our taking the 2 week summer visitations. Years later, we started having financial difficulties. This is where we failed her. Once that happened she was no longer allowed to talk to us. They got rid of their answering machine and never answered the phone. She had every legal right to do this and took advantage of it. We did send her cards and gifts not knowing if she ever got them. When daughter was 12, I got a call from her stepdad and needless to say it wasn't an experience I care to remember. We were led to believe that it was too upsetting to receive anything from us and that if we loved her we wouldn't attempt to contact her in anyway. My husband thought it best to back off.

Two years ago, I found her on Myspace. I wasn't sure how to approach her so I sent her a message from my oldest daughter's account. We anxiously waited about a week. I did not tell my husband about it until we heard back from her. She was in tears, had been suspicious when she never heard from us again. She had wanted to invite us to her graduation but her mom wouldn't let her. She had written her dad letters but her mom always found them in mailbox and threw them away. We all communicated a while. She was having problems with her mom and stepdad. Parents are very controlling, manipulative. She had been secretly dating a guy who did belong to their church but was "beneath" her. Parents found out about him and us. She was grounded from phone and couldn't leave house for month. When she refused to quit seeing the guy, they kicked her out, called her horrific names (names a pastor should not even use). By the way her stepdad and grandad are both ministers. She had no where to go. We offered to have her come here but she didn't want to leave her boyfriend. At one point they were both going to move down here. It was a nightmare in more ways that one. She ended up staying with boyfriends aunt for a couple weeks, they married and got an apt there. We are still very much broke but we offered them a place willing to make that sacrifice. To make this long story short, we felt she sincerely wanted to establish a relationship with us. My kids were so excited and so was my husband and I. We thought they were going to move down here on more than one occassion. After much turmoil from her parents, she left husband and went back home. Marriage was annulled. She came here last summer for a week and was ready to make the move. when she got back home she became suddenly ashamed over how she never gave her marriage a chance. The two of them were remarried last weekend at her mother's house. We were never invited which I expected because of location. (We did attend the first and husband gave her away).

She used to call, msg and extensively text. Now she seems to be ignoring us completely. The only time she or husband contacts us is to remind us they have a birthday coming up or it's Christmas time. We are really starting to feel used. As long as everything is going great at home we don't hear from her. If there are problems she calls regularly. I don't know what is going on. Knowing the history of her mom and grandma, there might be a condition to their sudden acceptance of her husband... stay away from us. Really don't know.

Sometimes I think maybe I should talk to her but my husband doesn't want me to. He won't because he doesn't want to lose her again. I do know that she is stuck in the middle and I don't want to make things harder for her. I love her and try to treat her as I do my own.

I apologize for making this so lengthy. I just don't know how to handle the situation. Should we just wait until she contacts us or what. We have sent an occasional card, text, etc. letting her know we are thinking of her and that we love her. Sometimes she will reply back to a text but most of the time she won't. She never answers the phone when we call. I have tried letting her go but it really concerns me. My husband and older kids are so hurt over the whole situation. I have to admit I am as well.

Message was edited by: Moderator

How to Lead Sons in Relationships?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:28:51 GMT

My father is a wonderful, adoring, Godly dad, however I sense that he feels much like a failure in different areas. One of those being, how to lead and guide his kids in romantic relationships. Because he is not sure what to recommend, he doesn't "interfere". Case in point, my brother took his girlfriend up to his room to watch a movie - he left the door wide open the whole time to halt temptation. He did this because he did not want to feel like he was in a goldfish bowl by watching something downstairs - my mom has a way of making all relationships feel awkward. My dad was not comfortable with this arrangement, but since he didn't know how to handle it, he did nothing. He hates confrontation and I would assume that he rationalized my brother was ok/not doing anything sinful, so it would be ok not to make an issue out of something petty.

All of us, or at least most of us to some extent (I can't quite speak for everyone with blanket statements), would love his input. He is open to being taught. Because I love all things relationship and family, my mom has asked me to recommend some books. Does anyone know of any good books on this bent, i.e. how Godly men can guide their sons and daughters in Godly relationships? There is so much more to our family dynamic which needs to be worked on, but for right now, I've been asked to find books.

Thanks for any and all suggestions!

Joyfully,

Rachel

Need advice-cheating husband, now OW is pregnant

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:12:25 GMT

I've never posted any questions before and I'm embarassed to do so, but I really need some advice. My husband of 14 years left us 5 months ago with no good reason. I kept asking him to come back home and it would infuriate him to see me cry, and would tell me that he had not loved me for many years. He would tell me not to cry for him because he wasn't worth it, but when I would ask if he had found someone else he would assure me that he had not. 3 weeks ago I went through his phone calls log and found that he had been talking to 2 women after midnight and the calls lasted from one to two hours and were very frequent - these women are his employees. He tried to deny it, but then admitted that he had been cheating on me. A week later he told our daughters about the affair, and later told me that one of the women is pregnant. I almost went crazy and did some things that I'm now ashamed of, like telling his boss and his dad. To my surprise (and I'm ashamed to admit, to my regret) he was not fired. Now he says that he wants me to forgive him and wants to make it work, but I'm too hurt. And he says that he is not going to quit his job, but won't tell me if the women are still working with him and if he'll still have contact with them. I wish I was more forgiving, I've seen cases where wifes forgive their cheating husbands, and are more in love afterwards than they were before an affair. But my wound is too fresh and too deep, and I don't think I can ever forgive him. For my daughters' sakes, I wish I could. I try to pray or read the Bible, but I just can't concetrate and I end up thinking of him and his double life. I have been told that his cheating probably started about 7 years ago, so now I don't even know how many times or with how many women this happened. I can't trust him or any words that come out of his mouth. Especially now that he's having a child with someone else! I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, and I feel even more betrayed because of this pregnancy. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney, but I don't know if it's too soon.

Please, if anyone has gone through something similar or can give me any advice, I'm desperately in need of it! Please pray for me, even if we get divorced, I need to find peace for my daughters' sakes.

Thank you!

Wife with hardened heart leaving

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:41:18 GMT

I'm new here but didn't know where else to turn. Today I learned that my wife of 8 years has decided she wants to separate to find out what she wants. We have a 4 y.o. son who is the light of my life. We have been in counseling for 7 months and it has really helped for me to realize my shortcomings. I have not abused her but have not been the man God wants in leading our marriage and supporting and fulfilling her. She has said that she cannot and does not want to work on counseling/reconciliation and doesn't love me but that there is still "something" there so she wants to move out, share custody and try to figure out what she wants. I am hurt and have prayed for guidance on what I should do. I want to give her the time and support her working through abuse and conveyance issues from her past husband and father but am afraid that I am being dumb and leaving myself financially vulnerable to someone who doesn't love me. I love her deeply and have communicated my sorrow and regret in not supporting her and letting her down in our relationship and have asked for her forgiveness, which she has not given. She is so hurt, angry and has put up such defenses around her heart that I don't know if she can love again and am afraid she will fall into the trap of material and flesh fulfillment to ease her pain during separation but feel I have to go along with it for our son's sake and my own to know that I tried everything. Any thoughts or suggestions. I need any help I can get.
In prayer

Trying to hang on

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:46:46 GMT

Dear Jay & Laura,
My husband admitted to an affair with a lesbian co worker that started last fall emotionally and physically this past Feb. Our first child, Lucas, was born last Oct. I have been so busy criticising my husband for everything that you can imagine for almost 9 years; but not consisteny. I have dug deep and poured myself into His word, reading relevant books, praying a lot, and seeking counsel. My husbands job, we moved 3,000 miles to get away, has his working out of town at least half the time each month. He hasn't broken off communicating with this person...because he doesn't know if he wants the family life with me. He has been reading lots of things on divorce, researching it (did so with this other woman before moving), and has walked away from the Lord. I have been realizing how much damage my critical tongue, how my pushing him away sexually, and being a controlling person has hurt us tremendously. I am trying to hold on and work on my end...keep praying for my husbands salvation, and praying. It's difficult to work with a person on repairing things when they seem like they are wanting to just walk away. I know what God has called me to do as his wife: work on my issues since I can control that, be obedient to the Lord in all things, and treat my husband with love, kindness, compassion, respect, etc despite how he is to me. It's difficiult because I know that I pushed my husband in the direction that he has gone, even though it was his decision to have the affair. I didn't help matters. I know that the Lord hears me but I guess I am asking for some encouragement/advice for today...my husband wont' talk to me that much and just having a general conversation with him can be difficult...I feel shut out a lot; but I guess that is how he has felt for a long time. Please help.

Linda

can I forget ? If not Can I really forgive ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 23:44:09 GMT

A couple of weeks ago my wife of 6 years dropped a bombshell by tearfully confiding in me about a brief sexual affair she had with a former employer some 2 years ago.Although I felt deeply shocked,hurt and confused at these revelations I didn't make a big fuss.I pretended to understand her reasons and told her that I forgave her.The reason I did this was that she had to return to Vietnam to look after her terminally ill parents, and I did not want to add to her already heightened mental stress levels, which may have tipped her over the edge.
A brief history of our relationship may illustrate my current dillema if you'll bear with me.
I am 58 yrs old, quite presentable looking and in great physical and sexual health. I met my beautiful and youthfull looking 46 yr old wife, a recent divorcee with 2 daughters, one then 4yrs old the other 17 yrs whilst touring Vietnam on an overseas holiday.We enjoyed a month long genuinely loving and caring courtship before I had to return to Australia. I returned to Vietnam 4 months later and we were married. Due to Immigration hurdles it took 3 years of frustrating applications, appeals,under the table bribes to Viet authorities and other expenses before I was finally able to bring my wife and daughters over to live with me in Australia.During that period in addition to supporting myself in Australia I supported them in Vietnam and sent them funds to build a house there in case our immigration application was refused and I would have had to move there to live. This placed a serious strain on my financial resources, and from the time of their arrival in Australia life became a financial struggle and my wife had to get a part time job as a cashier.Although we loved each other dearly, due to the stress of staying afloat we would occasionally have heated quarrels that resulted in not talking to each other for anything up to a week.We would however always make amends and our relationship would return to normal.In her own words during confessing her infidelity,one particular heated quarrel left her extemely distressed, vulnerable and feeling very lonely in what was still a strange and foreign land to her.She broke down in tears at work one day and her boss either genuinely or taking advantage of the situation showed her alot of sympathy which developed into the affair which apparently involved sexual intercourse on three occasions.Once again in my wifes words, she realised and deeply regretted her mistake after we made up, she ended the affair and quit her job.But Alas, after a short while the deep, dark feelings of regret and remorse got the better of her, culminating in her making a serious attempt on her own life. I found her hanging, almost lifeless and blue in our daughters bedroom one day after returning home from work, and it was only my fumbling attempts at CPR and the quick ambulance response that saved her.This happened around 18 months ago and as mentioned earlier she only confided the reasons to me a couple of weeks ago, before she had to fly off to Vietnam.Due to her absense and the emotional trauma she is experiencing re her parents imminent passing, I have continued the charade of love,understanding and forgiveness during our regular phone conversations, and although I still love her, and know that she loves me and is genuinely sorry for her mistake,every time I look at a photo of us together I get a mental image of her in a passionate,sexual embrace with another man.I don't think this image will ever leave me and as time passes I feel increasingly betrayed and let down.I am considering divorce after a suitable mourning/healing period for my wifes mental health to recover,but would never forgive myself if she lost her spirit and the will to live.
Any words of wisdom and advice will be greatly appreciated.
Bill.

my husband was looking for an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 09:51:45 GMT

Today I found emails in my husband's email box from an online dating service for married people. Their motto is Life is short have an affair. I read his profile and he was actively seeking to find someone to have an affair with. Whether or not he went through with anyone I don't know because I confronted him with the evidence he completely lied to me with the evidence in face and then unplugged the computer before I could read the messages he sent to people. He sent out at least 10 that I could see some to the same person.

Personally right now I want out. He is grumpy a lot and we have to walk around on egg shells in fear of his mood swings. He later texted me saying he was cancelling his plans for the day so we could talk. He said," I am sorry I lied to you this morning, but I am lonely a lot and one night when we were fighting I signed up once you left the house I felt sick to my stomach that you found that. What are you going to do get divorced?" I said I didn't know. He said, "Maybe I need some medications to help me." I told him we needed counseling and he agreed. He has never wanted to go to counseling ever since we got married even though I asked him a number of times. He said he never did anything with anyone I also found an ad on craigslist saying I am married and bored looking to spice things up but don't want to change my marriage we must be extremely discreet.

I just don't know what to do. God has given more peace today then imaginable I have no fear of ending the marriage and doing things on my own with 3kids. I was planning on going to the court house on Monday to file. Should I give counseling a chance? I don't believe he can change I think it will last a day or two and he will be back to his old self, His life consist of himself and what he want, I literally do everything in and around the house finances, kids, business. I haven't yelled and screamed like normal and I think he thinks I am ok with this all. I am not I just feel done. any thoughts?

how to regain my husband's trust

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 22:26:18 GMT

My husband and I have had issues for about a year now. I felt neglected and lonely because he took on a second job, we bought a new house, and we were not intimate for a long time. I asked him for more attention and he ignored me. I ended up talking to other friends and started feeling fulfilled in these other friendships, and I pushed my husband away for a very long time. I made him miserable - I asked for a separation, I made us go to marital counseling, I went back and forth on if we could make things work. He insisted that we could, but I did not believe him.

Finally, the Lord lifted the veil over my eyes and showed me just how lucky I was to have a loving husband. I went told my husband I was so sorry and that I knew we could make our marriage work, but he told me that he had doubted my fidelity for months. I never knew he suspected me. Now he says it is too late, he can never trust me again, and he wants a divorce. He hired a lawyer and told his family that we are getting a divorce.

I do not know what to do. I was so wrong and I know that I pushed him away and hurt him terribly, but I think we can fix things. He refuses to go to counseling or to even attempt to trust me again. I really believe God can heal our broken marriage. I am so lost and broken-hearted over my sin, the way I pushed him away and made him distrust me, but I want him back so I can prove to him that I am a good wife. Please advise me on whether there is anything I can do and if God can heal my marriage.

What do I do now?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 07:22:26 GMT

I have posted a couple of times about my relationship with my husband. The last one was about me leaving. I have been buying furniture and other stuff to furnish the apartment. I haven't signed the lease yet, not until next week when I move out. I also put an application in family court for child custody because my husband threatened to take them away from me.

Now that the day is getting closer he is begining to beg me to stay.

I know that the kids would like us to be together but we are constantly fighting in front of them. He used to say things and make accusations that were not true. I told him that I want him to tell me he was wrong and ask for forgiveness, he did. He is broken and willing to do anything in order for me to stay, but he is not willing to move out of the house that I don't like.

I don't want to continue having this roller coaster feelings, or continue to put my kids through this anymore.

What do I do? Do I stay and risk the chance that 6 months from now we end up in the same situation, or do I leave? My husband has alot of maturing to do but he doesn't see it. I find it hard to communicate with him because I feel he puts me down. I feel at times he has been verbally abusive but he denies it. We still love each other after 21 years of marriage and would like to have a good marriage. We have gone through couples counseling for 1 year and don't see much improvement.

Please help...

my husband pleases himself.... is this normal ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:36:41 GMT

I need some advice. I have been married for nineteen years. Over most of those years I will find my husband getting up in the middle of the night and heading to a couch, floor rug and even bathroom to masterbate. I have told him repeatedly how that makes me feel as his wife. I feel degrated and unworthy. He will respong with , "I know, I should wake you up" in a dragging voice and then he continues to do it another time anyway. This has actually happened on days we have had good sexual intercourse. He chooses to continue and truly not even consider how horrible this makes me feel. Please let me know if this is normal ? Is this my fault ? What else can I do other than get upset with him and take it personally ? I have asked him to go see someone about this issue. I doubt he is thinking of me when he is masterbating. Thanks for any input and guidance on this.

I just found out my husband is turned off of

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:22:44 GMT

my pubic hair around my vagina. Because he was into porn before we were married he just told me all the women where shaved. We dont have the money for me to get a brazilian and i wouldnt feel comfortable having someone do that. He is not pushing me to do this. But i now know that is why he never hardly touches me down there. I think i want to do things as i feel insecure about this porn stuff and all the perfect images that i still have to compete with...at least in my mind. That makes me mad at times. He is a good man he has stopped the porn and we are both in counseling and he has had counseling specifically for this.

Where are the strong praying men?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:21:00 GMT

I open up this discussion thread in the hopes of sparking some men to do some REAL praying for our families. Let's grab the bull by the horns and kick the devil out, in Jesus name that is.

Come on fellas, let's get down to business:

Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank for a true heart of worship and repentance. God I praise you for your strength and ask for the endurance of Jesus as it relates to loving righteousness and hating iniquity. God I thank you for hearing prayer and answering this day, in Jesus' name. God your word says that men ought always to pray and not faint. But Lord we have abandoned these things and have cast your word behind us in many cases. Father God we confess this as sin according to you word and repent this day, and return to our first love. God I prayer for the men in their periods and times of aloneness and I pray your hedge of protection around them and in them so that they would not turn to lust or covetous things.

Right now, In the name of Jesus, I bind and cast out witchcrafts and sorceries that are sent out against the men to cause spirits of impotence and emasculation to reign in thier lives. I speak faith to the hearts of the men who would read this and receive strength in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Father that it is so, according to your word and your will as out line in scripture, Amen

Need Input

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 23:44:31 GMT

My husband and I have had many challenges since we got married 3 years ago, however, they have come to a head this last year especially. The issue that has caused us the most strife has been another woman who I believe he has been having an emotional affair with. Without going into too much of our experiences this past year, I will say that he has come to me in the last few weeks saying he is willing to compromise and work on our other issues. However, he is unwilling to get rid of this woman, and the fact that she is still in his life even though I have expressed to him how much his relationship with her hurts me is something I can't seem to get over.

Is it wrong for me to say he can no longer see her? I can't get over my feelings on this matter, and I don't feel like our marriage can heal as long as his relationship with her is still a factor. He says I am being unreasonable, that she gives him something I can't, and she is his "best friend." He says asking him to get rid of her is selfish on my part, but I feel that insisting to have her in our lives is selfish on his part. Do I need to just try to get over my feelings, and push forward, or do I have a right to give him an ultamadum on this issue? He's made it seem like if I make him chose, our relationship will be over. I don't want to end our marriage, but I want this woman - and his dependence on her - gone.

If someone could please, please, guide me on this I would greatly appreciate it. And yes, we have tried counciling, but to no avail. I feel so lost on this.

Son In Law Troubles

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 08:21:32 GMT

My struggle is that my husband and I really dislike our son-in-law. My daughter married him, not quite 1 year ago. We didn't like him before they married and our feelings have not changed. He has shown signs of being manipulative and controlling. My daughter's personality has changed since being influenced by him, (and not for the better!) but she can't see it. If we bring the subject up, then it just pushes a wider gap between us and I don't want to run the risk of further estrangement. In a way, maybe we are still "hurt" by the fact that she disregarded our advice to her about him. I know God wants us to love him, despite our "feelings", but I am truly struggling with this. I feel like he has changed my daughter into somebody that I don't know any more.

I am ashamed to say that I seriously struggle with thoughts of them parting - knowing that would not be God's plan for their lives, but I just can't seem to get past how much things have changed since he has entered her life.

I hope that I am not sounding like a mother that can't let go. The background is so extensive that it would be impossible for me to elaborate on all the details.

Is there anybody out there that might have a word of advice, or encouragement?

Husband VERY irresponsible with money

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 06:18:25 GMT

My husband and I are only 25 and 26. He spends money like it grows on trees left and right. I don't let him keep our credit card because he has overdrawn our bank account before, but I worry about doing this because he may feel disrespected. I don't know what to do. We liturally fight over finances at least once a day. Sometimes a lot more. Its miserable. He wants to buy cig's, chew, beer and blow money on lunches at fast food restaurants rather than eat the lunch I make for him. It really upsets me and I find myself constantly fighting with him over it and nagging, yet I have no idea if there is a resolution. I have tried sitting down and talking to him - doesn't work. Screaming - doesn't work. etc. Nothing I have tried works. Please ... I need advice.

I want to buy a house. I would put money back but I can't lie to him about where the money HE makes goes, yet he will ask me how much we have, and reguardless what its for...wants to spend it. I can't do this much longer. I have threatened to let him take care of the bills to make him realize how much money we pay out and what we DON"T have that he thinks we do and all he complains about is how I make a big deal when he wants to spend it and he never sees the fruit of his labor. I have tried to be encouraging and telling him that we are blessed to have a home and computer and car and all because he is the one who works so hard for it, but even that doesn't help. HELP!

Head of Household

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 17:16:06 GMT

I'm having my P.K. husband stop turning the other cheek and start standing up for me and himself. I read Husbands Who Won't Lead & Wives Who Won't Follow but it wasn't hitting my situation. Can anyone suggest another book or Bible Study that my wonderful, loving husband of 15+ years and I can read together?

Our house is destroying our marriage but we can't sell it.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 19:15:18 GMT

My husband and I have been married for eight years. We bought our first house three years ago. It needed a lot of work, but it was all we could afford, so we decided to take it on. My folks helped us with the down payment and also promised to help us fix it up.

Well, this house has been the single biggest stressor on our marriage. It was built in 1930 and is 600 square feet. After purchasing it, we discovered it isn't a normal framed house, but is built out of solid wood. There used to be a mill in this town and it is what they call a "mill scrap house" because it was built with lumber scraps from the mill. This makes it very difficult to fix. If something goes wrong with the plumbing, for example, you can't just cut into the sheetrock to get to the pipes then patch it. It's a whole complicated process.

Everytime something goes wrong or breaks, my husband goes ballistic and starts swearing and screaming. He never acted like this before. We were married nearly five years before moving into this house and we'd dated for two years before marrying, and in all that time I never heard him say the F word and he'd never broken or thrown anything until we moved into this house. He now will get himself so extremely worked up that he'll be swearing and kicking and breaking things.He has damaged our brand-new refridgerator, ripped a brand-new tankless water-heater off of the wall and destroyed it, thrown pots and pans through the window, breaking the window as well as damaging the pans and the vehicle which they hit, he has said very mean and hurtful things including telling me that he can't wait until my mom dies so that he can spit on her grave. He usually saved the breaking for when I wasn't home, so I'd come home to broken appliances and then when I pressed him for answers as to what happened, he'd go off on a tangeant.

He will apologize for breaking the things or for "making me feel bad" with the sometimes very morbid and nasty things he says about my family, but he will never acknowledge that he was in the wrong. He thinks that his anger is justified.

He blames every single thing that goes wrong on my parents. Now that we live in this house, he thinks that everything wrong in his life is my parents fault, even when he's having trouble at work, he blames it on them, because he says that if it weren't for them "making" us purchase the house we wouldn't be living in this town and all bad things in his life he thinks are the result of living here. He doesn't fight with my parents or anything, he just goes off on me about it. He says that I should have known that he didn't want to live here "with" my parents. Even though we are living in our own house on the other side of town from my folks and we don't talk to or visit them more than maybe once every couple of months, he still considers that we are living "with" them. The part that is hard for me to comprehend is how it can all be my fault. I made sure not to put him on the spot when it came to purchasing the house. We talked about it by ourselves for a few days. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me "No, I dont' want to do this," or "I'm not comfortable with this, I dont want to do it." without anyone else present. We had discussed and said no to other real estate opportunities before in our past. I was very careful not to pressure him, but I guess since it turned out being difficult, it's my fault no matter what I did because my parents' money helped us to get it.

Well, there is a for sale sign on the house, but this is a tough economy and nobody is interested. My husband has suggested just giving the house back and moving away to another town (without any guarantee of jobs or anything) but that would be financial suicide. The payments are very low because we had a large down payment, and if we were to just stop making the payments and move away, we would be losing more than half of what the house is worth. We wouldn't just be losing the money my parents gave us for the down payment, but we'd be losing all we invested in fixing the house up and the payments we've made, as well as the part of the downpayment that WE contributed, which wasn't much, but it was our life's savings. He thinks the only reason I won't agree to that is because, and these are his exact words, I "don't want to upset mommy and daddy." That's not it. At this point I could care less about upsetting "mommy and daddy," if that meant saving my marriage, but I just don't want to destroy our credit and give away thousands and thousands of dollars.

Although we both work, I am the main breadwinner. It's not by choice, but it just happened that way because I was blessed with a college education and my husband was not. I have a stable job that gives us health insurance and a yearly bonus, and there is no threat of layoff or anything at the moment. I know that a good job like this isn't just around any corner in this kind of economy. The thought of giving up such a good job to move to another town so my husband doesn't have to live in the same one as my parents seems foolish to me at this point. My husband does unskilled labor and he's probably going to earn pretty much the same hourly wage no matter where we go. He refuses to listen to my reasoning, though. He feels miserable and full of anger, and thinks that the only solution is to move away. Moving is not financially possible right now, however. What can we do in the meantime? I can't put up with someone like this for much longer. Everytime I leave him alone in the house, I feel afraid that when I come back he will have broken something.

Porn in marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 21:09:50 GMT

My wife and I watch adult videos together sometimes just to somewhat spice things up. I do not watch them by myself nor do I interact in any other related activities outside of that. I just want to get some feedback from other Christians. Again, this is a mutual thing that we do and I do not think of other women while we are with each other. Also, again this is not an "every time" activity. We have been married for 11 years and just wanted to add some excitement to our sex life. I'm open to any advice from anyone. It's not a neccesity in our life but honestly it does not liven up our sex life for both of us.

Insecurity--Lack of Trust--Creating a Problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:45:06 GMT

I am six years into my second marriage. I was married for fifteen years previously to a Christian who had an affair and left me. This occured when our youngest was two and when we were involved in our church's marraige ministry! He was and is a good man, he just decided he didn't love me. I was single for seven years before I remarried a man who loves the Lord and is a strong believer. The problem is that now I cannot trust my current husband. He likes to go out often to play pool--have a few beers and he spends time on the internet using his laptop, of which he will not allow me to have any access to. Recently I have felt him pulling away from me and I feel myself wanting to cling and whine and question his every move. In fact, I am sure he will eventually cheat on me--or worse, just leave me in his heart through pornography and the other relationships of friends both male and female he has. My husband tells me he loves me, but lately he isn't very affectionate, nor does he put me first. His job, his friends, and his sleep come first. I cannot get him to converse with me and he is always angry anymore. He tells me he is sick of my doubts and accusations and doesn't want to hear any of it from me. Because he is a strong person, he does control things. I am not allowed to complain about anything. I don't know what to think. I am considering leaving because he will not talk to me, and if I am crazy with unsubstantiated jealousy, perhaps he is better off without me. Please help.

Does texting bother you or just me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 21:53:08 GMT

My wife has recently developed a close friendship with another woman has become a habitual texter. She carries her cell phone with her constantly and is never without it. Lately she has been staying up texting conversations for about an hour late at night and all of this is really beginning to get on my nerves!! She thinks that I am being too sensitive but I feel it really interferes with our time together. Even though we may be together and perhaps involved in a conversation, she will pause to return a text. Do I need to "get with the program" and lighten up? Does anyone else feel as I do? I am open for suggestions!

A hot mess--can I keep Satan from stealing my wife?!?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 20:34:11 GMT

First, I pray for God's healing, restoration, and blessings to all those posting prayer requests here!

I apologize for the length of my post. I'm just dealing with a lot of "hot mess", and need to let it out. Even if I never hear from anyone.

As for my situation, please pray for God's grace and healing in my marriage of nearly 14 years. My wife has grown more-and-more disappointed with me, and wants a legal separation. We have no children. We're both Christians, and have been raised in Christian homes. However, we haven't attended church together, as a couple, in almost 3 years. We've been physically separated for 2 years now, living just 3 miles from each other, for reasons I'll explain later. We both see each other often, because our home & family lives are so intertwined (we're both from the same hometown). During the time we were physically apart, she's grown very cold towards me. We drifted apart emotionally, and also haven't been intimate since just before we physically separated. There are several reasons, and I'll admit my problems first...

My Problems - I've disappointed her over the past 3-4 years by making my work my "mistress", and I was wrong in that. There's no infidelity or verbal/physical abuse involved, but I was on a string of frequent disappointments (promising to take her on a trip, then cancelling at last minute...promising to take her out to dinner, then cancelling because my boss needed me to come to work). She got fed up with it. She agrees I'm a good very provider, but in the love and respect category, I'm striking out with her.

Her Problem - Involved in an Emotional Affair, & Can't Forgive Me for Hurting Her Feelings in Past: About 4 months ago, I discovered that she's been having an "emotional affair" (EA) with a co-worker. My wife is very physically attractive. I've never been jealous before, because I always knew her heart stayed with me, in our marriage. Now, I'm not so sure. Though she claims it's purely platonic, the frequency, time, and duration of their phone calls (I pay the phone bills at both our residences) indicates otherwise. It's not just the co-worker calling her. She's calling him, as well. They talk often. Often 20-30 minutes, multiple times each day. I don't know if the other man knows she's married. She stopped wearing her wedding ring (go figure), and I don't know what her office mates know about me, and the status of our relationship. They -did- know she was married when she first got the job. I gently confronted her about the "EA" today when we spoke over the phone; she acted as if it's no big deal, and that she can go out with "friends" if she wants to. I know they went out last night. "I know I can't have sex. I know I'm a still married woman, for now" was her response to me today.

About the Physical Separation: I had to move away a couple years ago, because of a job commitment. (I work for the Fed Gov't, and can't say much about what I do.) I knew I'd be coming back to this area when that was over. At the time I found out about the job change, she'd just recv'd her first-ever promotion in our then-10 years of marriage together. We mutually decided it'd be before for both of us (especially for her career) if she would stay here, and I'd move away for the job. Initially, for the first year, things were very good...absence definitely made our grown fonder. As we began the second year apart, things began to unravel. She would indicate her frustration at my inability to promptly address her needs and concerns. Sometimes I wasn't able to speak to her immediately during the day, or call her back promptly as she would have liked. Whenever I did get a chance to talk to her, and try to say nice/sweet things to her, she was all about the business. She racked up a large list of emotional failures, "Honey Didn'ts", and hurts I caused, and took every opportunity she could to remind me how worthless I was. All the "I Love Yous", cards, and flowers I sent her couldn't make up for the fact that (in her eyes), I was falling short in meeting her needs. At that same time, I feel she never quite grasped the extent of what I was going through during that physical separation. I was working for several, very mean, definite NON-believers when I went away. The level of absue I endured on a daily basis would make a lesser man cry, go crazy, or commit suicide. That job was the worst experience in my life. The Lord pulled me through the job (I did extremely well), and put those nasty people behind me forever. However, satan stepped in and took my marriage and wife when I wasn't looking.

Our Situation Today: with God's help, I'm working hard to change my behavior and shortcomings, to focus more love, attention, and respect on her. I'm attending church regularly, seeking pastoral care & fellowship with other Christians. It's been very helpful. I'm also going to a licensed counselor, who is a **CHRISTIAN**, and who's excellent. The first thing I realized---and what she's helping me with--is that I'm a chronic "procrastinator" and "excuse maker". Those two faults are holding me back from being my best "me", including the best husband I can be to my wife. I need to find and fix my faults, and be the kind of person / husband that my wife wants to be around. I (now) recognize there's a big difference between being a good provider and a loving husband. If only she would see and hear, to recognize all that we have, all that we can do & be together. To make matters worse, she's not going to church at all now...definitely not the "Every Sunday" girl I married. This worries me...

I get brief glimpses that my wife -might- be willing to change her mind, if she sees change in my behavior towards her...that I love and respect her, and am attentive to her needs. Sometimes (often) when we see each other, she gets very sad. She will cry for a while. When I ask her what's wrong---when I try to hold her and tell her "We don't have to get separated or divorced"---she abruptly changes the subject. There's a level of pain in her heart---a bad, bitter seed that both satan & I helped plant there---that is plaguing her. When I talked to her today about the "Emotional Affair" (that the guy she's flirting with may come to expect sex from her), she said "I know I can't have sex with another man...I'm a married woman, for now." Oh, God...what has happened?!? She used to be so sweet, loving, and carefree. She used to love going to church together, worshipping, and singing praises w/ her sweet voice. Now, she's openly talking about flirting, infidelity, and wanting out of our marriage? I know this is -NOT- her...I know satan has gotten a hold of her, and is fighting to keep her in his grasp.

Taking the advice from Dr Dobson ("Love Must Be Tough") and Michelle Weiner Davis ("The Divorce Remedy", & Divorce Busting"), I've decided to limit my contact with her as much as possible for a while, while I seek God's help in fixing me. Today, I sent her an e-mail with the subject "You're free..." I'm letting the trapped partner out of the cage, as Dr Dobson advised for a situation like mine.

SO, AFTER ALL THE RAMBLING ABOVE...

I ask you to pray for this broken, workaholic, procrastinatic excuse maker--THAT'S ME! I want to uproot and cast out the bitterness in my marriage. Satan will not have this marriage! I married for life (and so did my wife). Please pray that the Lord will remain in the center of our marriage, and never leave us.

Lord, I also pray that you will soften my wife's heart, and allow healing and reconciliation to take root and flourish in her heart. Please touch our eyes and ears, that we may see and hear you, that we may be drawn closer to you, oh Lord, and walk away from the negative and evil influences that are threatening this marriage. I will wait on you, Lord! I put this in your hands! You already know the end to this story!

Thanks, and God Bless you all...

Christians and birth control

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:03:25 GMT

I know a few married couples who do not believe in using any kind of birth control. They say that if they get pregnant, that means it is God's will. I know the Bible doesn't specifically talk about birth control and alot of things I have read talks about how we were created to "be fruitful and multiply." I Don't know what to say to these folks to help them know that "sex makes babies!" I know God opens and closes the womb but God gives us a brain so we can make wise decisions. I am asking for some input I don't want to comdemn them for what they believe but they could put themselves in quite a bind if they are carefree with their actions. Any advice?

Retrouvaille?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:49:22 GMT

So far two people have suggested this to me. I am trying to save our marriage. She has no interest in doing anything. Counseling, pastors, friends advice, nothing. She does not want to hear words from my mouth such as "I love you and want to make this work. "

She says it is over and she has nothing else to give. We are separated, she lives with another guy. We have 2 young girls 4 and 19months.

Any suggestions on how to get her to consider Retrouvaille?

seeking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:46:38 GMT

Here is situation - married for 16 yrs. 4 children (healthy). husband put work ( he is a workaholic) adn remodeling projects and his self centeredness above his family for yrs. i grew resentful and lost my respect for him. i would have to lie to kids or fight with him in private just to get him to go camping or do other family activities. Tried counseling - didn't change anything. i told him last year i did not love him anymore- that i gave and gave adn never re-filled myself and i ran out and i was going to leave. 3 wks. after i told him that he had accident (he is okay now) he said it wasn't planned . but he said during recovery he realized all he had done and finally stopped blaming me for both sides of mistakes. i confessed my areas that i wasnt right.- but he blamed me all the yrs. for his share of problems too. Now i feel it is too late- i dont have any feeling left except the ones that are there because i do care deep down and care what happens but when i look at him it is almost empty. i tried to work on getting it back praying and so forth but still nothign there. This is ongiong for many yrs. i can explain more later. but any thoughts would be appreciated. i almost feel like i dont care and i knwo right now i am only staying because i dont want to hurt my children as i know they would be devastated.

Abandonment

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:21:23 GMT

I have been married for 5 years now, the last two have been difficult because my spouse wants a divorce. He feels his depression is caused by me and if asked "do I ruin your life?" he would say yes. It breaks my heart because we have been living apart for almost a year now. Last year I had to travel a lot with work and when I would come home, he would abruptly leave and not let me know where is was staying, because he said he just wanted to be away from me. He also made sure that I did not have friends phone numbers so that I could not reach him. Now my work has caused me to move. Initially he said he would move with me, but would wait until our house was sold. Now he states that he wants a divorce, that he would be happy if I found someone who was capable of making me happy, and he will not even come to visit me and rarely returns phone calls. I have tried to encourage him and let him know that only he can make me happy, I do not want someone else, but he says hurtful things in response and then says he is overwhelmed by guilt, because of the hell he feels that he is putting me though.

I don't see how I could be causing his depression, as I am not even part of his life. I am a Christian and I want to turn things over to God and hopefully find and share support and encouragement with others who may be dealing with similar concerns. I love him, although who he is right now is not the man I married. He stopped going to counseling, will not take medication, and drafted a separation agreement about 6 months ago but hasn't served it to me yet. Please pray that he will find Jesus. I am trusting in God to heal our marriage, heal his depression, and to allow my husband to seek and find salvation.

When the Bible says in I Corinthians 7:15 "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." Does this mean that I am to cut off total contact and truly put space between us, or does it mean that I should try to be cordial, but stop trying to solve our issues and hand them over to God? I read Love Must be Tough and The Redemptive Divorce this weekend, but I still feel at a complete loss. Has anyone had experience handing a depressed spouse over to God? I am in desperate need of encouragement and although I feel strongly that I need to let go like the Bible says I am not sure exactly how to interpret what letting go means, please pray for my strength as letting go of someone you love is not an easy thing to do.

Marriage Difficulties While Deployed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 08:26:05 GMT

My wife and I have been married two years next month and I love her to death, she is my soul mate. However latley she has pulled away from me and told me that I was now number two in her life and that her girlfriend is now number one, also blaming me for being deployed now (before we married she knew I was probably going to deploy). This all started around two weeks ago when she went camping with this same girlfriend, who was bringing her boyfriend along for a day. Turned out that the boyfriend came for all five days of camping and brought a friend. Of course my mind immidiatly thought the worse. Since she has returned from the camping trip I have spoken to her only about three times, where as before we would talk twice a day. Now last night I found out that theese same two guys and her girlfriend are at my house helping her unpack from the move (I understand the girlfriend helping). With every fiber of my being I do not like these two guys hanging around at all. As a man I am not sure what is going on and I am totally stressed out.

However, I have not been the husband she thought I was. I have treated her rudly in front of people. Accusatory about things and always questioning her every move. I would not want to be married to me either if I was my wife. For the reader I know I have not named everything I have done to her, but I have treated her very unlovingly, not making her number one in my life and treating her with the love that christ calls us to treat our wives with. I have never hit my wife, but she claims emotional abuse it seems like all the time.

We are both on our second marriage and both of us say we love one another. I am putting my effort into working on me being more loving to my wife, thinking about what I say and do, making sure I come across lovingly to her as a wife, spouse and mother. I have been reading that book Love & Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. I am stressed out beyond belief with these two guys hanging around, a lousy marriage while I am gone and the distance now created. I would greatly appriciate some godly advice on this matter.

Thank You my brothers & sisters

Brother in Christ

Is it ok for my wife to talk to her old boyfriend on facebook

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 04:00:47 GMT

This has been an ongoing debate between me and my wife for awhile now. She has been talking to him since June of 09 and it slowly got worse. The more that I tried to steer her away from him the more she seemed to go to him. They chat online and talk about the day, he talks very sexually in a joking way to her. I have seen some emails and messages that they have sent saying things like, I miss how things were, and he would say the same. Eventually she got tired of me looking over her shoulder making sure she was saying the right things to him and ended up leaving to stay, only at nights at her friends house. We did get most of this talked out and she is staying at home now and we are talking well and all seems good. But she talks to him through Facebook at nights mostly when I am in bed. She insists that she is only friends with him and nothing else, and I do believe her. She does not know where or when it would be to far to go with being his friend. She even got him a present for Christmas, and two birthday presents without telling me about it. She also likes his mom and insists on trying to talk to her and to go to her house to catch up. I don't know what to do, if I bring up my concerns again she will shut down on me emotionally and we will be back where we started. This has truly tested my faith in so many ways but has also stregthened my prayer life and in reading the bible. Any advice for me?

Feel like God is so far away

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 23:23:10 GMT

I feel like I am chasing after God and not getting any response. I know I don't have on the cloak of Jesus as I should, and it is hard to be a good christian like the bible directs us. I know I don't live under the law because of Jesus blood, but I feel like I am praying, going to classes at church to better understand God's heart, I read the bible and do the studies, I am waiting and waiting for something..... and I feel like God is SO FAR AWAY!

I am consistently torn between my earthly family that are not believers, and God. I know I am to revere God more than my family, but sometimes it is so hard to even discern what God wants of me. I feel like I don't know what God's purpose is for me even though I ask a lot.

I also feel like I made a mistake where I did not listen to him. I used to hear him and I would follow in his ways. And now that I made my mistake his voice is gone. Does he really leave us like that for a time? I have confessed and promised to obey, but I feel like he isn't even there. I keep telling myself that Satan is telling me to not be confident because God says he loves us and will never leave us. I want to stand on Gods word? But where is he?

It makes me feel so sad. Especially when I see what is going on in the world.

Help

Thank you

Something to say, but scared

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:20:02 GMT

Hello All:

I must say this a great community. It helped me so much when my wife and I were separated, i drew alot of strength from the posts. Well today I'm in a much different predicament. A little about the realtionship. I met my wife while we both attended college in 2004, by late 2005 she became pregnant and we decided to get married in december of 2005. Our dating relationship was great until we allowed sexual sin in, from then on the relationship went down hill. My wife was sexually abused growing up, and raped when she was about 17. So we had problems because constantly she would say if were at the mall "your looking at this girl or that girl" in other words many insecurities. She even sadly attacked me in her jealousy etc. But i understand that it had to do with her undealt anger, at the time. Well at the time I was 21, i had a terrible role-model of a father, the man has been cheating on my mother for 30 years. Anyways, he was always absent always working, and I never saw affection between them. Well I get married, and now looking back I see i have the same emotional connection problem as my dad. After she became pregnant i was terrified, still in college, not being able to work in the U.S at the time, as i'm from another country. I was just terrified, we had huge arguments, even to the point where i told her point blank, in front of her sister and husband. "i dont love you"

When last year we were separated and got back together ( mind you she filed for divorce). I did not want a divorce, so I flew there to speak with her and her parents. She returned to florida, however she postponed the divorce, not cancel completely. She confessed to me during the time we were apart she was physicalwith 2 guys. It was super devastating, I ran to our second bedroom and began punching the wall, which made a quite big hole, afterwards I just ran into the walking closet, and just said "Jesus, Jesus please help me" well it was a huge ordeal. I had cheated before with my previous girlfriend, no physicality, but we kissed. Then i had kissed a girl I had met when i was not living right and going out.Anyways she confessed what she had done, as I approached her and told her I felt I had to tell her something, and it was the indiscretion with my ex, and that other girl. Currently, we've been separated since February 14th(oh the irony). And i flew on march 31 to visit my daughter it was super tense that trip. We went to see her lawyer, and after we sat there, i said "what are we doing here i dont want this" we left. When she left I asked God whether you give her back to me or not please do not leave me unchanged through this separation. I started turning back to God, and reflect that since 2004 i had been living with my back turned against God. I decided to focus solely on my relationship with God. Just recently I went back on May 26, however the atmosphere was just very different she greeted me very nicely etc. Well i suggested that we go to a weekend to remember conference, I told her we really have nothing to lose, the divorce is still maybe God can work with us. To my surpriese she agreed. After I left her parents home to return to where I live. We decided to do a 21 day liquid fast, and read the Love Dare devotional every night and pray together, all good until now. Well she says she senses that there is something I need to confess to her. Guess what? I do. After she left, I was physical with a call girl several times, and then with an ex I had when i was 13 who came to visit her grandmother. The worse it was in our bed. However I feel I need to confese to her. But must say im terrified because it seems that there is some hope to save our marriage, however Im scared if I tell her, she will just go full force with the divorce, and not want to go to the conference after tickets and the conference have been paid for. What would you advice me to do?

Controlling Parent ... and the controlled son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:36:45 GMT

Did a couple searches on in-laws and found several threads but wanted to see if people had advice for what I could do in my situation. My mother is very controlling and while she is "nice" in certain respects she has no respect for the boundaries that my wife and I have set up. There are many symptoms but the REAL issue is I haven't stood up to her...I've been a whimpy momma's boy. We say "don't come over right before bed time or nap time" and so she calls and says "I'm coming over" and it's right before bed time or nap time for our kids...and I'll let her do it! I can't express what I'm feeling to her and find myself often not saying anything because I'm afraid that I'll either be a push over or overbearing. How can I cut the apron strings? The one time I can remember actually standing up to her (I was overbearing) she went to the guest room (she was visiting from out of town) and cried for an hour or so. The worst part about this is the hurt it is causing my wife because she feels like I love my mom more than her.

This has been going on for over 4 years and I desperately need to change. I'm begging for any advice/help you can offer.

How do you break free from something like this? I dread every time she calls and hardly ever have any interaction with her because I'm so afraid of letting her control what is going on.

The External

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 08:24:29 GMT

Has society's obsession with physical appearances hindered your search for a Godly spouse? Why or why not?

New to the Relationships and Marriage Community

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 00:20:06 GMT

really need a womens perspective. we have been married 8 years and 2 months. my wife is probably my very best friend. she has three children between the ages 28, 25, and 17. we have been through so much together. while trying to finish nursing school and with life events, such as the passing of my wife's mother, wife having two major surgeries, and added financial problems. I have not been able to complete my degree. this past six months has been very stressful for both of us and now my wife has asked me to leave.

yes I take responsibility for allowing my wife for carrying the guilt for my failures, and speaking down to her. this has never been my intention. very upset many times because the way finances have been handled and communication is never on the same page. now student loans have defaulted leaving my wife out of the formula for the past 8 years is the reason I never consolidated loans for lower interest rate. Yes and maybe like most men I truly love my wife very much. we are both christians. my wife believe's if she knew everything about my past she probably would have never married me. For my wife this is her second marriage because her ex-husband had an affair with a co-worker 20 years younger for 10 years while they were married for 20 years. this is my third marriage. when i meet my wife i believe she was the best helpmate a man could have. she suffers from depression (is on medication) and many times for the first two years nearly everyday she needed reassurance i was not going to leave her and how much i loved her.

the beginning of this year i decided to step down and try to finish LVN school in order to finish and provide a stable income for my family. of course this did not materialize do to financial issue's. this was very stressful working full time and attending LVN school full time in that i was having spontaneous nose bleeds and getting 3 to 4 hours sleep per day. my wife is very angry accusing me of being bi-polar, using her, taking advantage of her, and for emotional abuse.

I am meeting with men of God in focusing on my relationship with God - in reflecting with my studies with these two men I asked myself when did I leave my first love Jesus Christ. Very thankful God has provided families for providing a place for me to stay. I do not have family in the area. due to having 800.00 deducted from my pay-check per month to cover child-support and student loan payments. my income is very limited in trying to locate rental property within my budget.my wife inherited the house she lives in when her mother passed from alzheimer. much of my student loan was to cover the cost of two cars for my wife when she was involved in a car wreck, the insufficient fee's from our joint checking account, plus medical bills, and major repairs for the house she lives in now.

Yes we are both hurt, but for better or worse I have made a commitment to my wife to stand by her through thick and thin, and i have been through so much with her children. my wife judge's me for the relationship i have with my own two son's, for being arrogant, and very prideful. Right now I have place myself to be accountable to both my pastor's and elders of our church.

I have been told that the fellowship me and my attended are praying for restoration of our marriage, but yet to her from one person from this group. I really do not know wife my wife discuss with the fellowship group these past 7 months since my work schedule has not allowed to attend this group every other Sunday. I truly am asking for intercessory prayer for our marriage. I believe God according to His will can bring two sinner's who are husband & wife to a place of healing, reconcilation, restoration, and loving relationship with Him and within our marriage.

Mother-in-Law Problems

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:40:04 GMT

When my husband and I first started dating, my now mother-in-law was less that thrilled that her son was seeing someone. She refused to meet me until the night of our rehearsal dinner and spent the entire evening trying to convince my husband not to marry me and that it wasn't to late to call everything off. That was two years ago, and we are very happily married and have a beautiful baby girl.

My mother-in-law hasn't changed a bit though...as a matter in fact...she's gotten worse. Before we had our daughter she said that she would never love or get close to our daughter because she was my daughter. She writes my husband e-mails stating how horrible I am and why she can't believe that he loves me. When we go to visit his family...they are all great, except for his mother.

Last visit we were having breakfast together she started talking about me like I wasn't there...calling me names and yelling that she hated me. She made such a scene at the restaurant that I had to say that she was embarrassing us all and that if she couldn't calm down we were all going to be asked to leave. I ended up walking out with our daughter because it was getting to be such a scene in a public place.

She continues to call and make stuff up and try to cause problems. Her aunt says that she's been told that my mother-in-law's goal is to break up my husband and my marriage. I've reached my wits end...and I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks I'm being as nice as I can to her, but doesn't want to cut off contact with her...he doesn't think it's the Christian thing to do, but I don't know how much more I can take. Any suggestions on what we could do?

Financial Abuse? How can I make it stop and save this marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 09:26:47 GMT

I have been in this, my second marriage, for 9 years. I am not sure whether or not to stay in it. My first marriage ended because I was unfaithful and I chose to end my marriage. I have 2 children from my first marriage and 1 child from the affair. I never married my third child's father. I was single for 5 years before meeting and marrying my second husband. We dated for 2 months before getting married.

Almost immediately after marrying my second husband, I started to see that he had financial difficulties. When we married, he moved into my home (which I owned). He was a self-employed builder but rarely paid himself. I was working full-time and had never been in debt (besides my mortgage). When I did ask him to pay himself to help out with the household bills, he wrote me a bad check (and every bill I paid with it bounced.) That was the beginning.

Creditors finally found where my husband was now living and the collection calls started. On my way out the door one morning I was served with papers that he was being taken to court for failure to pay a $25,000 bill. I found out he owed another company $100,000. He failed to appear in court for writing a bad check to a local building supply company and was arrested and spent the night in jail. By then we were about 18 mths into the marriage. During this whole time he was disrespectful, verbally abusive and was constantly lying about money and hiding bills. At one point I gave him the money to pay the cable bill. Then we had our cable service cut off because he used the money for something else. When I questioned him about it, he became verbally abusive and refused to say what he did with the money. I had finally had it and kicked him out of the house.

Probably 2 mths before that, I started to cling desparately to a male friend of mine. I ended up having a sexual relationship with him. I knew it was wrong and that I should try to save my marriage. I ended the relationship, told my husband about it and asked that he attend counseling with me. I asked that, as a condition of moving back in, he get counseling for himself and fully disclose his finances (i.e. debts) to me. Three month later, with the conditions met and his vow to change, he moved back in. We sold my house and he built a new one for us -- and 1year later, it started all over again. The 6 yrs since then have been a roller coaster ride of barely staying out of foreclosure to thinking I might be able to work my way out of debt (I have 2 jobs now working 56 hrs/wk) to losing $36,000 on another one of his failed business dealings.

He has maxed out 2 of my credit cards (by forging my signature on the credit card companies 'convenience' checks) to the tune of $40,000, back property taxes of $30,000, and in debt to the IRS (how much?) for tax filing errors (forged my signature on jointly filed tax forms). I emptied out my IRA account ($46,000) at his request to invest money in finishing our home (which still remains unfinished). My brother has offered me the money to hire a lawyer for a divorce. My two older children have each come to me separately to tell me to end my marriage because they see I am unhappy & exahausted and that he is disrespectful to me and takes advantage of me financially. He works a lot but I do not know how much money he makes.

We are believers but he refuses to seek counseling from the church or otherwise. Our pastor is his best friend and the pastor feels uncomfortable counseling us or me due to this friendship. He recommended another pastor from another parish to me. When I spoke with the other pastor, he advised me to get a divorce as he said my husband is financially abusive, not respecting me or our marriage and would never change. Why can't/won't God help? If it is his will for this situation to continue, how can I cope? How do I know what his will is? Do I continue in such unhappiness? I am so confused and stressed, I really don't know whether I love him or not anymore or if I stay out of sheer stubborness to make this work.

Is there any hope for us? Somebody tell me that my husband will love me and that he will stop the financial madness.

Prayer for the healing of our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:03:02 GMT

I am starting a new thread, as my new posts the last few days to 'He finally left' seem not to be working!

Please would you pray for the restoration and rebuilding of my marriage. After an emotional affair which began in Spring 2008, my husband (who is a Christian), left me and our four young children just before new year. There has been some progress in him spending time with us recently, but he does not want to return because of lack of 'feelings' for me. He is confused and full of guilt and self-hatred. Today he got the keys to the apartment he has bought for himself, in a town two hours from us. Please pray for transformation of my husband's heart, mind and spirit, and for the lie that marriage is based on 'feelings' to be broken in Jesus' name. Please also pray for the protection of my children's hearts from any further damage.

Thank you

stillhopeful.

Husband & wife total opposites financially - terrified

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:01:21 GMT

I accidentally posted in the For Women Only section, which I guess is for sexual matters. I live in constant fear. I am being treated by a psychiatrist (I self-pay) but I think my problem is my HUSBAND. No way will he get financial counseling or any other, for that matter. He does not worry and does not understand that I live in terror of the future. He's a heavy credit card user and criticises me for being conservative. We are trying to avoid bankruptcy, but I think there's so actions that he could at least try to take to change the situation. My only hope is that God would intervene since he is too stubborn and proud to seek help. I HAVE NO PERSONAL RESOURCES. NO family whatsoever, no job skills, no way to go back to school. This has been going on WAY too long and I have prayed myself to exhaustion. Is there any hope????

How to deal with watching an ex marry someone else (bad situation)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 17 May 2010 20:41:31 GMT

Well, here's the nutshell story. Dated a girl (both very serious) for 10 months and we both wanted to marry each other/thought each other was "the one." ..But, just at different times. She wanted that, but I had some misgivings and that strained the relationship so we broke it off as I tried to figure things out. A month later I felt I had, and felt totally at peace about marrying her and all the misgivings I had before. I went back to her in a bit of a panic pledging my love, asking forgiveness for a few things,..because I saw her moving on, or throwing herself at guys basically in attempts to deal with the pain.

At this point, she really didn't know (forgiveness issues) how she felt, and treated me like dirt for 2 months as she tried to figure it out, but wouldn't let me talk, etc., with her. She did come my way a couple times, but half heartedly. Meanwhile, another guy, a Christian (but not respectable in my eyes cause of his actions), saw her hurting/neediness and starts to hit on her and try to win her over/ take advantage of the situation. During this time I am watching this, knowing she still has those feelings for me, but she is responding to this guy, and not me. He's new, exciting, fun, and no work! Well, this keeps on and I stay quiet about that, but she was still mad at me and holding it out over me. At one point I draw the line and stand up to her, bringing her back my way and really "needing to talk," which I don't immediately to try to gain some self respect back from her. We do, but 2 weeks later starts dating this guy..jumping in head first, and telling me "we're just not whats best for each other" and 2.5 months earlier I was the one she wanted to marry.

So, for the last 6.5 months I've watched this, see them at church, and it has killed me every step of the way. Really feeling like she will figure it out and not be able to sustain this rebound with a guy that took advantage of her, and a guy that she took advantage of in a way (in her neediness, pain, etc. to comfort her).

Well, just last week they got engaged,..the final blow, and I realize I never let go or accepted the breakup, cause I never gave their relationship real validity (for good reason). But nevertheless, she's "in love" and has a ring, and I feel she's making a big mistake. Why? I don't think marriages built on running from hurts, and a rebound (codependence) are a good thing, regardless if we're together or not.

I've felt burdened by this for the whole time, feeling trapped, like i can't do a thing,..and at the same time like I've needed to confront her on these issues and "set her straight"...even if this is unsolicited, cause even if her friends see this, they are just "happy" for her and won't say a thing. She is a self admitted "brat" at times, and also admits she needs slapped every now and then about things... even when we dated.. confronted..

(haven't talked more than a hi really since she started dating him..)

Anyways, the question is, can I, or should I do anything other than let it go...accept it, leave her up to her decisions...rash, good, bad, or otherwise. Its very hard when you care soo much. ...and at the same time still think its all a big mistake that we broke up and that we really should be together.. I feel stuck between letting it go (cause what can I really say or do..), and needing to do or say something..cause I love her, and don't want to leave anything unsaid I will regret...

All opinions, encouragement, and wisdom appreciated

Need advice/different perspective on my marriage problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 18 May 2010 04:06:38 GMT

Sorry if this is long but I will try to keep the background history short. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. Before him, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend cheated on me. I took that fear and insecurity of being cheated on into the relationship with my husband and I would get jealous, insecure even when nothing was going on. I felt like I needed to keep track of where he was, what he was doing, etc to calm my fears that there was nothing going on. I know that early on in the relationship, it was very hard for him because I was being this way. However, after a few years passed, I just let the fears and insecurities go and I was able to give him my full trust. I thought that I had communicated to him that I wasn't the same person as before and that I didn't need to "audit" how he spent his time, where he was, etc.

I found out in Nov 2009 that he was having an emotional affair with a classmate (who's married) through Facebook. She is in another country half-way around the world so I know that it was all just through phone calls, e-mails and chatting. I had been suspicious that something was going on and I hacked into his Hotmail and Facebook and found all the e-mails. I was so angry and wasn't thinking straight and just to embarrass the two of them, I posted their emails on facebook so that their mutual friends could see what was going on.

The next few months after that were just miserable. I would go through these cycles of being so angry at him and then being calm and wanting to work things out. I felt like I was just going insane and I know that I was making life for him very miserable as well. He asked me to "just let what happened go" and that my constant ups and downs were making him fall out of love for me. He said that he was unhappy for a long time because he felt so trapped/caged from when I used to check up on him all the time. I told him that was a long time ago and that I had not been doing that for awhile and I couldn't understand why he couldn't just let that go since I wasn't even doing it anymore.

So now, we are at a point where he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that as soon as he is able to financially, he will move out. I don't know if I love him anymore either. He doesn't consider what he did as cheating even though he knows that to me, it is cheating. He shows no remorse and said that what I did to him (embarrassing him and going through these up/down cycles) is a lot worse than what he did. He said that he only did what he did because he was feeling lonely and she was giving him the attention that he liked. He tried to stop but he couldn't. We both know that God hates divorce but he is so hurt by what I did and scared that at the slightest suspicion/whim, I will do something crazy again and I cannot accept it that he thinks he did nothing wrong and I don't know if I can be with someone who would gamble his wife/kids like this. I cannot trust him anymore and how can a marriage work without trust?

It's been 6 months now and even though I try to stop myself, I still have feelings of resentment, anger and bitterness. There's a battle going on inside me on whether to divorce or not. I really don't want to but without seeing any repentance or remorse from him, I would just keep being bitter. I just need some advice or perspective from others because even if I try to think this through logically, I think that my emotions are getting in the way. I don't know what my next steps should be.

Also, even though he says that he doesn't love me anymore, he will still hug me at night while we are sleeping. I'm confused by this. A part of me thinks that he does still love me but doesn't want to admit it to me because I might hurt him again but I'm not sure. If you truly don't love someone anymore, then would you still be affectionate with them?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Was I wrong?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 04:59:26 GMT

I've known my former girlfriend for several years. We started dating in 2005, and have broken up and gotten back together several times since then, always at her request. Six months ago she called me out of the blue, after not speaking to me for nearly a year because she "had issues" - Was I wrong to take her back, again? She said that she had reconsidered marraige and was ready. She had also broken her leg and needed help getting around. We spent Christmas together, except she went to her church and I went to my church. I've never felt welcome in her Apostolic church because we're not allowed to sit together, according to her, and she's never told me which church she goes to, like it's a secret - Was I wrong to think that maybe she just didn't want me to meet her church friends? Last month, my church has a last minute opening for a female traveller to go on a trip to Israel that I had planned for a year, so I asked Liz to go with me and paid for her trip. I truely thought it was a blessing from God to share that journey with her - Was I wrong to read that much into a coincidence? Anyhow, when we got back, her leg was healed, and she started putting me off, saying we could meet Friday and then cancelling at the last minute, saying that we could meet Sunday, and then not calling or answering my calls because she's in church all day. So Monday morning I got up early and went to her house before work to bring her a Starbucks - Was I wrong to come over unannounced like that? She wasn't home when I arrived, but pulled up as I was walking back to my car, and drove off in a panic, what? Then she turned around and pulled into her driveway and, looking like she had slept in hr clothes, ran into the house locking the door behind her - Was I wrong to think the worst? I waited and confronted her when she came out to go to work - Why are you acting this way? She accused me of not trusting her and left - Was I wrong to be suspicious? The times that we spent together over the years were truely wonderful, and while I had always considered myself a Christian, I wasn't actively participating in church until I met her. Now that I am depended upon to be a leader in my church, without her presence in my life I've lost all motivation and find myself questioning the very existence of God. If He does exist, why is He causing me so much pain through this very religious person and her "I need my space issues"? I've never felt so lost - Am I wrong to feel this way?

Gary

Serving others not in the plan for me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:25:17 GMT

Hi everyone

I am new to this site so not sure I posted in the right area. Here is my question/situation:

I have recently become very centered on trying to be a good Christian in all aspects of my life. Reading the Bible, praying more, reading books (I read constantly), I get devotional emails (sometimes 12 a day) to my Blackberry, started teaching Sunday School again etc.... I am like a spong soaking all the information I can up.

Everything I read talks about serving others.

I have tried to do this but seem to be getting a message that maybe its not the right time for me to do so

I applied for a job at Back to the Bible. I emailed the human resources lady about a position I didn't know if I was qualified for. We exchanged a few emails and she encouraged me to apply online to see where it would go. I filled out the online application and then emailed her and told her I did so. No reply back from her. No rejection letter. Nothing! Usually if you do not get considered a job you at least get a rejection letter right?

I called FCA (Fellowship of Christian Atheletes) in my city. Asking for info about becoming one of their mentor/leaders. The secretary said she would have the main guy call me. NO call back to me at all!

I applied online for my husband and I to do volunteer work at our town's homeless shelter. And then called because I wasn't sure what area we should sign up for. The lady called me back excited and said she would have the volunteer leader call me in a few days. They were excited that we wanted to volunteer 7:00 to 9:00 Friday nights because that was not a time most people did. Again, she made it clear she would have this lady call me to set it up for us. NO call !

I also sent an email to our local soup kitchen about volunteering and filled out their online application. Received an email back saying they received my email and would have someone contact me soon. No call !

These things have happened within 2 months of each other. Is there a hidden message here that I am supposed to focus somewhere else and not serve others in the ways I have been trying? Or just that I need to follow up again with these organizations?

Thanks !

MY HUSBAND MY HAVE PTSD BUT HE WANTS A DIVORCE

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:13:02 GMT

My husband and I been married 9yrs and been together for 10yrs, we have one lil girl who is 9yrs old and has ADD, my husband has been in two deployments and he is now doing recruiting. His been doing recruting for a year and a half almost 2, before recruiting we would have our arguments like every other couple, but once he started doing recruting things got real bad, six months ago he left the house, he stays at the office or in the car or at his boss's apartment. He has totaly shut me out from everything meaning he got promoted she didn't let me know when he was going to be pinned, then our military ball he was going to be in the ceromony he didn't allow me to go with him.

I started to notice signs of PTSD when he first came back from his deployedment, he couldn't be near around alot of people or he would get mad or aggravated, then on his 2nd deploydment his CO got killed from an IED, he came back home when we where having dinner in Hawaii and the fireworks went of his face turn real pale and he jump, then lil by lil at night as soon as he would lay his head on the pillow his body would jump, couple of months before he left the house he started to mown at night like if he was hurt, everytime he would jump or mown I would wake him up asking him if he was okay he would say yes, so once he started doing recruiting and he was being presure on making quota he would bring his anger at home so we would argue constantly, then on mothers day he had enought and left the house, I have seek for help but he refuses to get help, now his CO is having him get evaluated for PTSD, I know my husband has PTSD, but what I don't know is once he gets the therapy and the medicine he needs can things be back to normal?

He says he wants a dirvorcem he doesn't love me does not want to stay married to me, and that even if he does get diagnost with PTSD he still wants a divorce, but then he tells me that he is scare to come back home he doesn't want to take a chance to see if we would argue like we use to, I don't know if everything he is telling me is because of his PTSD or what

I been praying for the past 6 months I have come close with GOD and have Faith the God is going to heal and restore my marriage, but I just want to know if once the person gets help with PTSD can things be back normal?

Ask the Man Webcast: Work stress

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 02:07:05 GMT

My husband is very afraid of losing his job if he doesnt put in more hours. He comes home stressed, tired and short tempered. He is in his late 40's and says the younger guys work faster. I hate to see him so unhappy. Should I get a job? We have no time together and he is too tired for family outings. Please help.

I Knew Marriage Would Be Tough But...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:45:19 GMT

I'm really stumped here. For the 18 months we've been married, I've been telling my husband what's on my heart, and he's not listening. He occasionally changes some behavior, but overall, he really doesn't get it. He sulks, internalizes, feels like a failure, feels sorry for himself, on and on. I'm not beating him over the head here. I tell him when he gets it right. I compliment him regularly and let him know what a good job he does on certain things. These are not empty praises. He earns them, but it seems that's all he wants to hear - is praise.

He does get some things right. I take notice and thank him. Then he'll do something stupid and I gently mention it to him. Then he crawls back in his hole and sulks. An example: Last night, he set up candles, was loving, affectionate (never mind how he'd snapped at me an hour earlier), and started to have sex with me. Then, at one point, he says, "Guess it's time for you to shave your legs." What am I supposed to do with that information? I look at him and say, "you can't find something nice to say to me, you gotta point something like that out?" Well, he's done with sex at this point and rolls over to sleep. Was I supposed to not say anything in response to his comment? Was there something better I could have said? I know what he said was stupid, no question there. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do.

I realize I have a very immature man here who doesn't have the first clue about women, though he's been with a lot of them. I can't make him grow him up. I can only try to take the high road as often as possible, pray for him, and control my thoughts and actions, which is all getting very old, very quickly. But I trudge along, hoping God will smack him upside the head with some sense and we'll be on our way to marital bliss.

At this point, I've pretty well shut down. I know there's nothing I can say that will get through to my husband and it makes my husband nuts that I won't tell him what's bugging me. But frankly, and I've told him this, there's nothing new I can say. He can draw on memories of what I've told him and go back and re-read the emails I've sent him. Other than that, I'm at a loss at what I can do. It all just seems so hopeless and I'm tired of being so miserable with no end in sight.

My wife shows no affection

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:02:44 GMT

Hi,

I recently reunited with my wife. We had been separated for many months, but just before christmas we got back together. At first things seemed to be going great. We were talking and showing each other lots of affection. But right after christmas things began to change. She began to talk to me less and show less affection. Its to the point now that she acts like she dont want me around. I am a newborn christian and her actions have begun to make me question her agreeing to get back together. I have been out of work this week and she has had to work,but I haven't sat at and done nothing. I have been very productive. It seems like she rezents me for her having to work and me not. I have cleaned house,looked after our 4 children and did everthing I thought would be helpful. All I have received is disregard and coldshoulder. Should I be concerned or am I jumping the gun so to speak. Please advise.

Need information/books

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:32:03 GMT

My husband and I got married young, and for a long time I was the "family leader". I made all the decisions, told him what to do, I was the go to for everything. Well, we now have twin boys and I feel that it is very important for them to see a strong male in their lives. So after talking to my husband we've agreed that he will be taking the role of the family leader and I will be a much more sibmissive wife (which is something that I would like to do, he did not push me into this). However, he and I both grew up in families that had the mother as the family leader. I have no idea what my role is exactly.

So I am looking for a book or some information that will help me figure out and fulfill that role. Any help would be apreciated!

The mistress is having my husband Child

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 11:52:29 GMT

As finding out my husband was having an affair for over 9 months I am now finding out she is pregnant. I feel like when it rains it pours. I am not sure what God is trying to do to me and my children and I just have no idea how I am suppose to feel about this new child coming into the world. I have not even had a chance to deal with the fact that my husband cheated. I really need a friend that has been where I am at and that is not easy to find. :-) I just need guidence and I don't feel that God is here right now. I can't hear Him and I just don't know what the heck I am going to tell my children as they grow. How am I suppose to walk this out as a mother and a Christian women?

HOW DO I LET MY HUSBAND GO?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:38:47 GMT

My husband came to me about a month ago and said he may not want to be married to me anymore. I had no idea that this was coming I thought we were ok. But now that I think back I have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage. We have been married 8 years and together 14 and we have 4 kids. I'm 28 so i have been with him half my life. I couldn't believe he wanted to leave me so this past month I have fallen apart. I have lost 25 pounds I never sleep and I cry all the time. So many things have happened and then I find out he may be cheating so I have resorted to using a voice recorder, spying on him and even his sister went up to his work to find things out. I know bad move but I completely freaked out. Now he seems so defeated but still says he may want to leave to the point he's even spoke to my 12 year old about it who is now extremely depressed. I have told him we will be ok but he is so mad at his dad. he hasn't left yet and he still tells me he loves me and holds me at night. But I live everyday wondering if this is the day he's going to leave. How do I do it without falling apart if he leaves? I wonder still if there is still hope. I just don't know anymore.

My husband recently reconnected with an old girlfriend on FB.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:03:25 GMT

It started out innocently and with good intentions, but after realizing that both he and she had thought about each other over the past 25+ years it led to an emotional affair that eventually included on-line/internet sex. They are several hundered miles apart, so they have had no actual physical contact. My husband has confessed everything to me (even some things I really wish I didn't know) and says he is committed to our marriage because as Christians that is what we are called to do. The problem is that he is having trouble getting her off of his mind and out of his heart. He feels that he has left her hurting and all alone as well as hurting me in the process. He has guilt feelings about this and has even expressed an interest in wanting to see her (with me present). I have asked that he cut off all contact with her and he has; however, he still has very intense feelings for her. I am concerned that with technology as it is, the desire to continue to keep in touch with her is going to be too difficult for him to overcome. I don't want to feel like I need to keep checking up on him. Any advice on how to help him get over someone he has loved for over 25 years and how to help me to feel secure in my marriage?

I feel like I've lost faith in my marriage and my husband.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 15:49:42 GMT

The basic backstory-

my husband cheated on me emotionally once before via emails and text messages as well as a few phone calls. He appologized.

He has been very controlling to the point both his family and mine have said they would help me leave if/when i would ever want to.

Recently I had noticed things were off, he had started to keep me from seeing his phone, so much so he had placed passwords on it. Then the more I fought the questions and wondering, I prayed and prayed.. Eventually stumbling on our phone records and text message details. There it was in black and white a number hundreds of times... upon calling the number my worst fears were realized, it was in fact another woman.

Once I told him i knew the text messages and His phone call was much of what you would expect trying to get his feelers out for what I knew and what I was going to do. Of course he feared I was going to turn him in to his work etc. He was appologetic and obviously rattled. I had caught him red handed...he was with her for lunch when he got my text. Apparently he was trying to end things with her. He said he realized he was making a horrible mistake but was afraid she would turn him in and he didn't want me finding out that way, and he didn't want to tell me for fear I would leave him but he felt guilty and selfish and didn't know what to do. He said he was trying to end things with this woman so she would just leave him alone. He promised me the moon and the stars in an attempt to get me to stay.

Literally the moment I said I would and he left for his deployment its like he was going back to being a jerk and treating me like dirt. Its as if he thinks because he deployed he no longer has to 'deal' with my feelings. He has refused to talk about any of this while he is deployed and my fear is that he will do the same when he gets back. I know I cannot be happy in my life until he goes to counseling for his issues and our issues and he takes more responsibility. In the past I have let him make me a doormat and treat me terribly. He is very type A and I am a very passive person when it comes to him.

During the deployment he told me she was prettier than me and had a nicer body etc... really horrible things. He appologized for later saying he had had a few drinks and was obviously out of hand. But you know what they say...a drinking man's words are a sober man's thoughts. He was being honest but felt guilty for it later, or at least thats how it feels when the man you love is saying this to you.

I feel like no matter what happens I am going to end up divorced at this point because he doesn't respect me or really love me, he just wants to be with someone he can push around and make feel like they are 'lucky' to have him. I know he has DEEP issues but without help I can't continue this relationship. I know God can restore both of us, but he needs to be willing. I'm just losing hope quickly. I feel as though I will never be happy with him unless radical changes take place.I love him more than I can say, and I wish I could just pretend everythign was okay, I love him so much this is killing me. Yet I feel so alone as if he did the minimal amount he could do to get things better and then nothing...and I"m stuck here hurting.

What am I supposed to do now? How do I continue?

disrespect from my husband and Brother-in-law

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:32:39 GMT

I've made a recent post on here "don't know what do" about my marriage because of lies and deceit from my husband. Those are things we are supposed to be working on. We started church last week and my husband is suppose to start therapy. That is all great, but what I left out of my last post were the issues with my BIL because I felt my marriage should be the focus. Things are totally getting out of control and I'm to the point where I do not know if I even want to work on this marriage. I need to vent because I can't speak in my own home without my husband blowing up. This is the only place I feel safe enough to get things off my chest. Sorry, I will probably ramble and sound a bit crazy, but crazy is how I feel right now.

My BIL was married for a while. His wife worked 2 jobs to take care of him and their 2 children. He would not work. They got divorced and he moved in with another brother. For many years, the other brother took care of him and his alcholic girlfriend. They would not get a job or help out at all. The brother finally got fed up with it and gave them a car and told them to move out. They would not leave so he moved out of his own apartment to get away from them. They got evicted and the girlfriend moved away and the BIL wanted to move in with us. I didn't want him to but decided he was family and I would try to help him out as long as he tried to get on his feet. Well, he wouldn't stick to the agreement. He wouldn't look for a job or help out around the house. He did get 1 job but only worked there for a week before he ended up quiting. There was an issue with drugs (my husband involved) and I kicked my BIL out of my home, forgave my husband and agreed to work on our marriage. I told my husband that BIL would not be able to live with us again. That was a few years ago. Last year we moved to a different state to start over fresh. My BIL decided to move to the same state as well. My BIL was living with a girl and they became homeless. They showed up at house and my husband told me it was only for a weekend, but it became 2 weeks which then I found out that drugs were brought back into my home. I again kicked them both out, forgave my husband and said we would work on this marriage. They were allowed back. That lasted for 2 weeks then they showed up again and again was only supposed to be for a weekend and turned into 2 months before they moved out. I had no say in this at all. My BIL and his girlfriend moved down the street for a while before he got evicted and she moved back to another state. I didn't know that my husband had agreed to let my BIL move into our garage until the day it happened. It was again suppose to be just for a week. It has been 2 months and still counting! Again another agreement was made that as long as he held a job and was trying to get out, that we would let him stay. I knew I had to say in this, so I had no choice but to agree. He was making $400 a week and could save up money to move out??? He had money to go to the bars and drink and smoke all week, but no money was ever saved. Needless to say this caused even more anger because my husband started going to the bars with his brother every weekend and sometimes during the week. Then without being told, the BIL decides to buy a bus ticket for his exgirlfriend so she could come back here. Needless to say I was furious, but was told by my husband they would move into a hotel after she got here. The day she came back, my father-in-law past away and both my BIL and husband missed a week of work. That really set us back on money, so my husband asked if they will help us pay rent then will I let them say for 2 more weeks. They would use 1 paycheck to help with rent and with the next 1 they would move into a hotel. I agreed to this because we really needed help with rent. The week our rent was due, my BIL quits his job on Tuesday so he only got 1 days pay. When the 1st came we couldn't pay our rent. Luckily, our landlord is working with us since my husband works for him. But now my husband wont stick to the agreement and make them leave. If I even bring up the agreement, my husband blows up on me saying that it is his brother and he is not kicking him out on the street. They have 20 other siblings (10 from his mother and another 10 from their father) and no one will help the BIL out because he has burned all his bridges with them. They are still living in our garage.

But things got worse this week. I found my BIL searching my sons room for cigarettes. Yes, he is 17 and smokes. (I know that is really bad but it's the truth and something that I am working on) I usually do not say a word to my BIL but I feel that he has overstepped his boundaries. I finally broke down and said something to him. I said very nicely, "I would appreciate it if you would not go into my sons room when he is not here." Those were my exact words. I said nothing else. He called my husband and chewed him out for me saying anything to him. When my husband got home, I tried to talk to him about it. I got as far as, "I just wanted you to know that I had a talk with your brother.." then I was cut off and my husband went off on me. Saying that he heard all about it and how rediculous I was being over a cigarette. The truth was that my son hid a pack underneath his pillow and my BIL searched his room and found them and took some. That is not what he told my husband. I didn't get to tell my side or even say anything before my husband went off me. I tried to speak but then my husband said 'if I don't shut up, he was going to break my computer. I was furious! He then went to our son and yelled at him for running to me and complaining over a cigarette. Our son tried to explain to him the story, but of course my husband wouldn't here any of it. It is not about the cigarettes. It is about respect of people's privacy and belongings. But, my husband cannot see that. I am making a big deal over nothing. I have no right to set any kind of boundaries in my own home. My husband and I haven't talked all week. I am sleeping on the couch. My son is hurt now by his father. My BIL and his girlfriend are still living in our garage and I have no say in it because it is his brother and he is not kicking him out on the street. My BIL has only been 2 places to look for a job. I printed off 2 pages of temporary agencies and 4 jobs that I found on line. He did nothing with them. I cannot say a word about this because my husband is SO angry with me for confronting his brother. This is something that I rarely ever do. One time I feel like I need to confront him and this is what happens. I still cannot speak without fear of another blow up with my husband. Let me just say that No, he never has or never will hurt me in any physical way. It is all verbal abuse. No, I don't think he would really break my computer, but that is not the point. My husband is making an appointment with a therapist. I don't know if that is his way of saying sorry or not. But hasn't said sorry and I don't believe that he is sorry. He thinks I am totally wrong for saying anything.

I am sorry for my venting. I am speaking with hurt and anger and sure I am rambling. This is affecting me so deeply and I can't hold this in. As I sit here typing, I feel like I could vomit because my nerves are so bad. I hardly eat, I'm smoking like crazy and even my sleeping pills do not help me sleep. I try to clean house and while I'm doing dishes or whatever, out of no where tears just start to fall and I can't control them. This pain is sometime unbearable. My husband and I have a lot of issues to work through and with his brother and his brother's girlfriend living here, it is just making everything 10 times worse. I am getting to the point where I don't want to work on this marriage because I will always have to deal with his brother. I feel sometimes like I need to leave, need a separation, but I have no place to go. I have no money or a job. I am waiting on my husband to fix his car so I can have mine back so I can get a job. I think he puts it off because he thinks I will leave. I just don't know what the answers are anymore. I am sorry for all this venting, I just need to able to speak what is in my head and heart without fear of getting yelled at.

I need major help someone, anyone please can you give me some advice I am losing my mind?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:49:41 GMT

Hello, and thanks for taking the time out to read this lengthy post. I am newly married. My husband and I have been together a year and a half now we recently married this past March, and I have yet to meet his children. This is the topic of this discussion. My husband has five or six children. As you may have taken note by now I am unsure of how many he really has (not that I haven't asked).

When I first met my husband he told me he had only two and as time grew past I come to find about one after another. Here is the problem. We live here in California and 4 of his possible 6 children live 1 hr and 30 mins away from us. My husband frequently goes for 3-5 day visits to visit his children and won't take me with him even if it were to save his life! When he is gone he becomes unreachable and in the time spent away if I am lucky I will hear from him once or twice during the whole time away! I have only laid eyes on one of his daughters one time over a year ago...when she and a girlfriend of hers came to spend the weekend with us. I know we hit it off pretty well because she would call and text me from time to time (she is now 15 years old).

My husband tells me that he needs to spend time with his children alone, we have three children ourselves (born to me from a previous marriage) who don't know their step sisters and brothers because he keeps them so secret. This thing is tearing me up inside. My husband and I had a great wedding complete with TWO receptions, so this should tell you that it was big and he didn't even allow his children to come (I believe he didn't even tell them the date). The one daughter that used to call and text me from time to time has built us some sort of resentment towards me I am sure because she won't even communicate with me any longer. I will call or text her and she will no longer reply. I makes me cry in the inside. I have constantly discussed this with my husband and he doesn't seem to care at all. Saying, " I need time with my kids alone I don't want them to say, 'Why do you have to bring her when you visit us?' I will bring them around one day!"

I have told him that I think a part of me is growing calloused towards them. I have NEVER laid eyes one 99% of his offspring. I tell him that he is going about this wrong. With all this time that is lapsing and he is the only one they spend time with and don't know our other children that when he finally brings them around they will not be receptivie to our other children or myself for that matter. I think that they will view us as the intruders and taking them away from their dad. I am crying while I type this I don't know what else to do. I am wondering am I the monster here? Am I the one that is selfish and inconsiderate and dead wrong here? We got into an arguement last night about this and then he tells me you know what I am going to visit them on Friday and you know what I will see you on Monday. In other words I am still not taking you or bringing them here. I feel as though there is no need to spend 3-5 days away from home visiting your kids alone unless you are in different states! I need massive help on this subject...thanks you guys in advance!!!!

need advice on husband's behavior

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 02:16:58 GMT

I am a newlywed and I have a question for anyone that might have some advice.

My husband and I were married in September and shortly after I found an email that contained information that he was receiving massages- I was never aware of this. Not that big of a deal until I read further and realized he had been getting massages for about a year prior to our marriage and had never told me about them. So I searched further through emails and back a ways, found out that there has been a few different massage ladies that he has been to, and usually off of craigslist or something like that. He has been receiving massages every few weeks or so the whole time we had dated and up till now.

During our engagement, (I looked further back through emails) he has apologized for his behavior towards the women during the massages, and then been emailed back from these ladies, saying, "you have been inappropriate, we do not want to be physically involved with you,etc". They also have no idea he is married, they think he is a bachelor.

In the past 4 months he has been going to just one massage place and every email to set up appointments is flirty, some content inappropriate in my opinion. So I'm not sure what has happened between them, but it does not look good.

Now, this past week, this certain lady is closing down her massage company, so he began looking for and contacted a new massage place. This one is much worse, one of those massage places where you are not clothed, the lady giving the message is not clothed, a kind of go with the flow whatever happens, hush hush sort of place. She has sent him emails of herself in a bikini, and he has said he is "very interested in her services." I'm not sure if he's been there yet, but I need to act fast now I think.

I really think he has an addiction of some sort that I was never aware of, and that it is getting progressively worse, providing I don't stop him now. I've been praying about this and trying to figure out what to do, but I don't think I can hold it together much longer. So how do I bring this up??? It's eating me alive to have known now for this long but I was way too afraid to mention it before, but now that it's getting worse and worse, not to mention on our bank account as well, I need advice as to how to deal with this!

I kind of can't include our pastor either for counseling because my husband is employed at our church, so this needs to be dealt with very carefully.

Thank you.

My husband is an addict

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 15:40:05 GMT

During my 13 year marriage to my husband it has been a continual roller coaster as his addictive nature continues to roar it's ugly head. We also have 2 daughters (12 and 7) and unfortunately their father's addiction has become a norm in our home

Over the years, we have dealt with the affects of alcohol and excessive Tylenol which turned to Percoset, OxyContin the latest and most destructive so far has been an opiate call Hydromorph contin. This has all been Dr. subscribed.

He has lied to me so much over the years that I don't know when he is telling the truth anymore. I also had to deal with the devastation of an affair he had and he has lost jobs because of the amount of work he has missed and we are always facing financial difficulties.

The Dr. prescribes a month worth of the pills at a time but my husband usually is through them a week or two before the month is up. He then goes through withdrawal and is so sick that he can't even get out of bed. During this time of monthly withdrawal he goes into a deep, dark place where he has admitted that if he had the guts to do it, he would end his life.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted as I have tried to keep the extent of this a secret and keep up a front for my daughters. Unfortunately they are far too aware of what has been going on. The financial stress of constantly worrying about losing our home or having our electricity cut off is overwhelming.

Just recently, I've finally involved a couple members of his family and mine. It has been an extreme relief to get some of this out. But now comes the next stage of trying to get him into a rehab. I don't know where to start. I would really like to get him into a Christian facility.

Also I'm worried that if he does go to rehab, how much does it cost? And the amount of work he will miss while he is in rehab, we will definitely lose our home. I cannot afford all the expenses with my job alone.

However, this time he has run out of his pills three weeks early and he will start going through withdrawal within a few days. This seems to be the best time to get him into a rehab. Also, my worst nightmare came true the other day when he admitted that he is now also shooting up the pills and has been doing this for almost a year. I'm now beyond disgusted and can barely even look at him.

I know it's only through the strength of the Lord that I have stayed with him over the years, however I'm starting to feel like my prayers are not being heard anymore and I feel like I've been tested to my limit.

I almost don't have the energy left to even look into rehabs as I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just wish it could all miraculously go away and that my daughters and I will somehow come out of this situation whole and unscathed and that my husband would be a sober, healthy, happy fulfilled person. I do realize however that along with my husband getting help, my daughters and myself will probably need help as well.

If anyone out there has been through a situation like this or have any advice, I would so welcome anything you could tell me.

My wife vs. My Mother...please help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:28:40 GMT

I am looking for some friendly advice and possibly some similar experiences. My wife and I have been married for just over a year. God has blessed us with a beautiful baby girl (we got pregnant right after our wedding). I get along great with her family and they love me. The problem lies with my mother. Everything my mother and family has told me is they love my wife and they want us to be happy. When my mother is out here things start to go sideways. The first meeting went great and then right before we got engaged comments started. My mother started saying we are getting married to early and asked if we loved each other. We got married and had a great wedding. We felt everything was fine and then came thanksgiving. I was planning to make the dinner and have everyone there. My wife was very pregnant at this time and was having a very difficult pregnancy. It all stated when my parents said my brother’s girlfriend may join us for dinner. My wife felt this was a burden because she wanted to get additional things ready due to the potential new guest. I called my brother and told him we would welcome her but in the future we would like more notice as it was only a few days prior to Thanksgiving. My mother was the first to arrive. When it was just her and us everything seemed to go great. As soon as my dad arrived she changed slightly but after my bother arrived (without the girlfriend) she became almost a different person. My mother said she would cook and went out and bought all new items for dinner disregarding the items we bought. Thanksgiving came and I had to work but was able to eat. I was told by my in laws and my wife my mother and brother would not stop talking about what was in the refrigerator and my weight. My wife suggested I talk to my mother about it and she denied everything. This was the beginning of the issued to come. To make a long story short my wife came to feel that my mother did not like her and my mother did very little to help the situation. Last month my mother and my wife went shopping with the baby for the baby. Upon return my wife told me she would not go on a trip. I was confused and then my mother came into the house. She was in a mild rage yelling and accusing me of not loving her, that my wife and I were talking behind her back, that my brother’s life was not my business, and that she was being called a “monster in law”. My mother and father left the house and went home the next day. According to my wife the conversation started over an email that was sent. In it my wife addressed concerns she had with my brother and the behavior of my brother and his girlfriend when we went with my parents to meet them. My mother felt the email was petty and a low blow. According to my wife my mother went all the way back to when we introduced my wife’s parents to her. She even told my wife things that never happened. She also felt my wife attacked the family and according to my wife my mother was talking down to her and belittling her while speeding down the road. I tried to talk to my mother but was told by her that she was not speeding and she did into want to talk to me about it because she did not want to hurt me. Since then my wife has talked about divorce two or three time because she sees how this situation is hurting me and does not want to tear me apart from my family. After this event I told my mother to avoid any confusion she could not talk to my wife unless I was present. They recently came back out and my mother hugged my wife and started whispering in her ear. I tried to stop her but she kept going. My mother told my wife she needed to get over the incident and move on. I tried to talk to my mother and she told me she did into want to tell me what was said in the car because she did not want to hurt me and that when things were said by my wife about the family not loving me it hurt her. The problem is my wife would never say that. My mother said later that day she was done talking about the incident. My wife became upset because I told her what she said and not she says she is done with my mother and family. She does not trust my brother’s girlfriend and because of my mother’s actions she does not want my brother around. I had a slight breakthrough last night when my wife was telling me that she wished my mother would treat her like she treats my brother’s girlfriend. Apparently my mother always talked and jokes with her and takes her shopping for her. Another point was that my mother was willing to take the girlfriend to training out of town. Both my father and I only want to have the family get along but it seems like my mother keeps ruining this hope. My mother thinks this is post partum depression but when I think I see it she no longer exhibits the symptoms. I have given this over to God and I feel it was Him that let me see a huge factor to the cause of the tension. I don’t know how to approach this because my wife’s heart is hard because she does not trust my mother. I have tried to talk my mother up, talked to my mother about her actions, and talked to my father but noting seems to work. In my observation my mother is refusing to treat me as an adult and is not treating my wife as one either. She loves her granddaughter but she causes stress on us. It has gotten so bad my health is starting to suffer. After this long winded back story my question is does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? Does anyone have any suggestions?

Why do I feel like I cannot pray anymore?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 21:36:09 GMT

First of all I want to say that there are so many wonderful men and women here supporting each other. Your words have blessed and encouraged me so many times as I have read the posts. Thank you. God is working on all of us and our spouses . I can see it by the words written here and in my own life. So why do I feel stuck in my prayer life? I feel like a broken record and I am loosing my desire to pray. For the past couple of years when this nightmare came into my life I have been so excited to spend time with God. I would look forward to spending time with Him in prayer and in The Word. . The past 6 months I feel like God is not saying much. . I long for His voice like I heard it in the beginning. Now it feels like I am crying out to Him and He is mad at me or something. Why can I not "hear" His voice like I did?. Is He wanting me to trust Him in this silence? I am so seeking direction in my life as this mess continues on and on. I feel lonely without feeling His presence. I feel like I am going around and around in the wilderness and I want to know what He wants to teach me. Will this dry season I am in ever end? I still seek Him everyday and many times a day. Am I doing something wrong? I am weary as I do not feel the refreshing that I used to get when I spend time with Him. I do not want to read the bible either. Everything seems to take such an effort. I've asked for Him to show me my sin, or what ever I am missing that is causing me to feel this way. I have prayed against the enemy in my life. My prayers seem meaningless .Has this happened to anyone else who has been believing for a miracle for a long period of time? I am struggling with doubt and unbelief now, so I know the enemy is trying to get a foot hold. I am just very weary and feel weak in my walk with Him. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or prayers . Blessings ~~Chipfishing

Is There Hope

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:01:31 GMT

Hi, I have been married for 33yrs. I was married at the age of 18. My married life has been one of conflict and hurt 95% of the time. The last 7yrs have been without any intimacy, no relationship, two people living in the same house as strangers. Lonliness and hopeless feelings are with me constantly to the point where I have to fight against sucidual thoughts . I have mentioned these feelings to my spouse when I felt I can't go on and his response is Nothing. Is ther e hope to have a relationship when there never was one?

Are most cops flirting?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:49:32 GMT

I'll be married 5 yrs this Friday to a cop. He is always telling me how his co workers cheat and mess around behind the wives. He's a work a holic and spend very few time at home. I know for a fact he's working and not somewhere else. He provides for the family, we have one child together and I have a son at home too.

My problems is and has always been that he gives his phone number to just about everyone but mostly to women who his come in contact while working. So they can call him if they have any question or need more assistance on what ever issues they have.

So he is constantly getting calls from women I've told him that he is not a counselor and they need to call the PD and not him. So he stopped somewhat doing that but just 2 weeks ago his blue tooth accidentally called me and him and his buddies (cops too) were checking out women at their side job and they were not even being discreet. After that he went to the bathroom and I heard him say hi to a worker and she said something that his response was "You cant handle me".

So I started checking out his phone bill and found a number he's been calling for months, everyday, maybe 5 to 6 times a day. So I called the number and this woman answered and she claimed she meet him at his side job but they are only friend and nothing else. I know there is no intemency because he has E.D. But he feel to have the need to talk to other woman so they can tell him, how grateful they are for what he's doing, protecting people, how he works so much and he's such a great man. He loves to be complimented which is one thing I do not do.

He says flirting is ok, it's a guy thing and he doesn't think he is sinning because he is not have any intercouse with anyone but he is also watching or getting pictures of naked women (junk pictures not anyone they know personally) from his co workers and friends. I feel I always have to spy to see what he is up too and each time I do I always find something. He's agreed to marriage counseling and we'll be going next month. I feel unrespected, used, humiliated. He says he loves me but that I don't give him the attention he needs so he calls other women.

Please advice.

Stay or go?? Infidelity resulted in a baby.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:53:31 GMT

12 year marriage. Husband had an affair (sexual encounters for 10 years of a 12 year marriage) We have two children. He wants to restore the marriage at whateve4 cost and whatever it takes. I love him and we had a beautiful life before this was discovered one month ago. I am not sure if this a burden I can endure. TotaLLY UNSURE. VERY ANGRY AND JUST A ROLLERCOater of emotions. Attended one counseling session and probably will tryh to attend more. I now I dont deserve this and just so uncertain if I want to deal with all of the drama that will come with trying to fight for this marriage.

completely isolated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 18:11:32 GMT

I posted earlier, but I'm losing hope that things will ever change. The past two weeks I've scheduled a counseling appointment for me and my husband, and both times he decided at the last minute that he wasn't ready to go. He has so much hurt, but he's never going to be free of it if he doesn't give it to God and work through it with a counselor.

Almost every day he's isolating himself and me. The counselor says I'm shutting down. I understand what's behind his behavior, but it's frustrating because he CAN get better if he gets help - he just refuses to get help. Yesterday we had a good day, but last night I said something that reminded him of a long ago hurt - I didn't mean to, and I hate myself for making him feel so bad. All today he's refused to talk to me, refused to say anything at all except for one of the times I told him I'm sorry he said, "it's too ****ing late."

I know I should be focused only on his hurt and not be selfish, but it's so hard because he's always hurting me and I always forgive him and don't punish him for it, but when I screw up I get cursed at and ignored. I know that he's hurting. I hurt when he hurts, from my very core. I just...I can't survive in a relationship that is devoid of everything. He's alienating both of us and refuses to get help, and I feel so alone.

He said yesterday that he'll go to the counseling appointment next week. I hope so. It's getting harder and harder to hold on.

For better or worse.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:51:02 GMT

My husband and I were childhood sweethearts who married in 2006 right after he graduated from college. Right off the bat we jumped in over our heads, and I feel as though I'm still gasping for air.

We got married in June, and in July he started at a very prestigious law enforcement academy that was rigorous, stressful and over an hour away from our little apartment. This meant lights out for him was 8:00pm, breakfast was at 4am, and there was an hour and a half commute through DC traffic on the way home. While he in no way expected me to be up to make breakfast or to go to bed with him at that time, I can now see that it was the beginning of us each having our own separate lives. I took care of him - lunches, dinners, ironing, laundry, cleaning, paying the bills, taking out the trash... I did it all. Whatever I could do to take stress off of him, I did.

At the same time that my husband was beginning his career, I was embarking on an adventure of my own = nursing school. Ask any nurse that you know and he or she will tell you this was one of the hardest times of his/her life! Class, studying, clinicals.. it overwhelmed my life. At the same time I was supporting and encouraging my husband in one of the most physically and psychologically challenging times in his life.

2 years later, in 2008, I graduated nursing school. My husband was well past "rookie" status and very happily working the midnight shift. I was a new-grad RN who took a job in a busy DC emergency room, also night shift. Of course our nights didn't also coincide, and at times we were working completely opposite nights. With both of us being "public servants" there was/is lots of weird hours, holidays, weekend shifts, etc, that we are required to work.

This made it very hard for us to continue with our church attendance. My husband's schedule is made for him, mine is flexible. At the same time that I began my first nursing job, we began house-hunting and moved into a wonderful, very expensive home in the DC suburbs.This means that we were going to be over an hour away from our old church and the church family who were understanding of our weird life.

Fast-forward to present time. I am now working evening shift while he continues on night shift, and we rarely get time together. Maybe 1 night a week, 2 if we are really lucky. Therefore we have to spend much of our time alone. We have each gotten into the routine of doing as we please, eating what we want, going where we want, buying what we want, etc.... without consulting the other. I feel as though we are becoming independent of each other. I feel like we are more like roommates who occasionally have sex than partners in a marriage.

WIth no family in the area and no church family, I feel lost. I don't have a single Christian friend in my work environment, and neither does he. We have been drawn away from the things of God and no matter how I try, we cannot seem to get back into church hunting. I either have to do it by myself (and I really believe that choosing a home church should be a decision made as a couple) or we are working Sunday, or Wednesdays..... you see the issues.

I am having a hard time accepting this life of no family, no church, no time with my spouse. I want a simpler life, one where we don't have to get out our calendars to pencil each other in for a movie date in 3 weeks. I am tired of commuting an hour one way to work. I am sick of making dinner for myself and eating it alone at my house when he is at work. The worst part is that we have no support system. Our families have all moved out of state and with no church family I feel very alone.

My husband has tons of friends at work, who I feel are not necessarily the best influence on him. There are also several of his female coworkers that have been making me a little tense with their behavior towards my husband. He seems to be oblivious to their flirting. He also seems to feel that this is how life is, that we are just working hard to make our mark and get started. I have a different school of thought that we do not need fancy things or extra money. I just want him. He does what he wants, engages in his multiple hobbies, spends time with his friends, and then gives me whatever leftover time he has. I do not feel free to do the same because when he is home, I will turn down events, functions, outings, etc... to be with him. I wish I could just do as I please the way he does but I feel guilty about making plans when I know that is our only day off together for 2 weeks. To me it is harder to have a part-time husband than to have no husband because I have to go back and forth between being independent and not.

I am ready to start thinking about starting a family but I am very hesitant because I know that if I spend a lot of time by myself now when I am still working full-time, I will be spending even more time one-on-one with a baby without his support.

I am at my wits end. I love my husband. I am committed to this marriage, for better or worse. I just feel that "for worse" has been the direction we've been traveling for the duration of our marriage. Every time I have tried to bring this up to my husband he has the attitude of
"yeah, this really stinks but what can we do?" And sometimes I wonder, what can we do?

I need help. We need help. I am tired of pretending that it's ok. I'm tired of trying to explain our weird life to everybody. I am tired of going to family functions and trips by myself. I am tired of nights alone. I miss church. I miss family. I miss dating my husband. I miss intimacy with him. I miss being happy.

So many questions

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 09:32:44 GMT

I'm sure most of you are familiar with my story, and wish I would quit posting. I really do value the advice and prayers I get from the family here. I have recently realized that part of my problem with handling my marriage situation is that I have so many questions regarding God's will, what the bible says and means about things, etc., but I really don't have anyone to lead me. I am seeing a Christian counselor, but I could never afford to pay him for the time it would take to answer all my questions. When I email him, he replies (if he replies) that he is praying for me. As much as I appreciate that, I need a little more. My church lost out pastor to cancer just a few months ago. I miss him dearly. Our interim pastor is a great man of God, but he is really just filling in until we pass through our mourning period and find another pastor. I am not a very mature Christian, but I am trying. I have an honest desire to do the will of God regarding my marriage, but I just have questions. I firmly believe that it is God's will for our marriage to be restored. I have sought God and His will earnestly. I have learned to use the study portion of my bible, and I get the same answers there that I get in prayer. My husband is seeking God and His will, but he feels like we are supposed to move on. How can two people be so earnestly seeking the ONE TRUE God's will and get two different answers? I know that true peace is found in His will, but what if His will is not accomplished because of the actions of someone else? What do I do if my husband wants to divorce but I do not? These are just a few of the many questions I have. I feel so alone on this earth. The best part of my day is when I can spend time in His Word.

Should I not trust him?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:50:06 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and latley I have noticed that he has been really weird about his cell phone. He keeps it with him all the time, even when he sleeps. I asked him the other day to use his phone because mine went dead and he wouldn't let me use it, and he acted strange about it. Then I went online to get on our cell phone account and he has called the cell phone company and set up a password so that I can not get into the account anymore. I asked him to give me the code and he won't. So I feel like there is something going on that he is hiding but I don't have the proof yet. What should I do? Should I just let it go or should I be concerned about this? He don't hide any of the other bills just the phone bill?? Thanks.

Well I did it

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:12:20 GMT

I put my fear aside and gave my wife an ultimatum. Since she has not talked to me (unless it involves our son) for about three months, I decided to write her a letter giving her a choice. I left a copy of the book from Fireproof and a sealed letter with a proposed divorce settlement.

I wrote her that I loved her and want nothing more than to repair our marriage with God but can’t continue to live in our toxic environment. I asked her to read the book and the agreement and get back to me in two weeks about which direction she would like to go. I also said that if I don’t hear anything by 11/21 I will have to file for divorce. That goes against everything I believe in but I will do it if need be.

I half expect the book to be thrown in my room tonight when I return. I pray that she reads the book and changes her heart. Please pray for our family.

God Bless

My husband admitted that he's been lying about being saved.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 21:13:51 GMT

So I already had suspicions that my husband wasn't saved, but last night he shared he isn't. His life bears no fruit of a follower and he is causing pain after pain in my children and I's life. He doesn't understand how God would allow so much suffering. His comments are irrational and he goes from admitting he needs God, to saying he doesn't exist. He went through a lot of counseling this after affairs, verbally, emotionally and physically abusing me. He seemed to have changed up until this last month. His anger has flared up and he started an inappropriate relationship with a female. He admitted to pornography addiction,abuse of pain meds and smoking. He says he wants to know God but doesn't know how to do it. He says the world doesn't make sense that God would allow all this pain and suffering. He comes from a painful childhood with abuse but I do as well and I have chosen to follow Christ. I was going to leave my husband but felt lead by the Lord to forgive and seek reconciliation last March, I don't doubt that the Lord told me that but I don't understand why. Faith isn't always rational but the pain I'm feeling right now is very overwhelming. I don't know what to do right now, I want to seek the Lord's plan but I lack understanding of what that is. I thought I was going to have peace in our family, we were so happy until this last month. I feel like I can't do this anymore but I feel the Lord wanting me to be still and faithful and wait for his blessings.

Let Him Go or Stand For My Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:51:11 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both Christians and at one time were very involved with marriage ministry. Then 3 yrs ago my husband lost his job due to being positive on a drug screen for marijuana ( I did not know about his drug use). I immediately went back to work full time, and forgave my husband. He however, refused recovery and though he kept it from me my then 12 yr old son saw him smoking pot. Of course my son felt it OK to smoke if Dad did. Then after my husband promised he had stopped and my son had, I found evidence of current drug use. My husband blamed our son, devastating my son to the point where he screamed "how could he lie like that you are suppose to be my Dad" . My husband admitted the paraphernalia was his. My husband has always had an anger problem. He blows up anytime he feels any slight even if it is constructive. Over the past 3 yrs he has continued to not work, refuses to apply for a job "beneath him". I continue to work, run a medical legal business and I also have Lupus (mild). He had become mentally and verbally abusive and our Christian counselor has confronted him that he has a rage problem. Things began to come to a head, I refused to argue and started setting limits. He went out one morning 3 weeks ago and I have not seen or heard from him since. He refuses to speak to me, answer emails. He will come in the house in the early hours of the morning when my now 15 y.o is home alone (I work 12 hr nights as a ER RN). He takes only a few things, leave evidence he has been there and leaves after waking my son to tell him he misses him. He however, does not call or pay any other attention to our son. I have now found out he has been storing away money from my paychecks that was to pay our mortgage (yes we are almost in foreclosure, the light and water are months behind). He also forged my signature to take out 9,000.00 from a savings retirement account. There is much more that amounts to horrific betrayal, lies, and deceit. Our son sees him as a hypocrite since my husband has taught my son what a Christian Dad, Husband and man looks like and acts like. I have no idea where he is living. The first 3 weeks I was in such pain over the loss of my covenant marriage.I cried, begged and pleaded in voice mails and emails. He treats me as if I am dangerous and out of control though I have never demonstrated any such conduct in our marriage. I have never acted out against him though he has and is against me and blames me for what I am not sure of. .I am growing tired of his trying to illicit as much emotional pain as possible. If he is not willing to talk then why does he not file for divorce??? I will not file and violate God's word. I however, cannot imagine there could ever be any hope for this marriage without a miracle. I have repented of my sins and sought his forgiveness ( I was distant and depressed for the last year). I pray for a miracle but am ready to move on past the mental games and disruption

In Jesus

Wife taking the Spiritual Lead

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:59:54 GMT

When my husband and I married, he was a "baby" Christian. I had been brought up in a Christian home and I had a more mature relationship with Christ so I knew from the begining that I would have to take the spiritual lead in the relationship/family until he was able to. Well, as patient as I thought I was going to be... my patience is waining. My husband is far from being the Spiritual Head of this house. Sooo, I am begining to really try and visualize what my role needs to be. My parents didn't rais/train me to take on this roll, so I'm not sure what it really even looks like. AND, will I be crushing his pride by taking a more assertive roll instead of quietly praying in the background. For example: I think that one of our "larger" idols that keeps us from God as a family is TV. If it were up to me I'd get rid of them for a long period until we could learn to live without them. Is that what the Spiritual Head of the family is supposed to do?? Or is that steping over the husban/wife partnership boundaries? It would certainly cause a lot of problems if I just up and did that without discussion, but I know my husband doesn't approve because I've mentioned it several times before. What does being the Spiritual Head mean?? As the wife I just don't know.

Small background on our "soap opra" type family . Not sure if this will make a difference in anyone's advice... We are a blended family. My husband has a daughter who is 17 (doesn't live with us), I have a daughter who is 9, we have been married almost 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter and a 15 month old daughter. The girls NEED their daddy to lead them which is part of my impatience with him.

Finding Couple Friends

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:20:27 GMT

i know that people are going to say to look in church for couple friends to have together, but what do you do when most of the young married couples have completely different values from you? we live a very simple life, have few commodities, are extremely conscientious of how our choices impact the environment (which we believe God has called us to care for), and try to "go without" rather than add more things to our closets or to the house in general. most of the couples we meet who share these values aren't Christians. and those who are fellow followers of Christ are extremely caught up in upward mobility. so we've struggled with how close to get to either group. on the one hand, we know we can be a living witness to unbelievers, but we can't freely share about this important part of our lives without turning them off. on the other hand, we don't feel comfortable about getting particularly close to Christians who are caught up in a realm of consumerism that we actively avoid for so many reasons. plus, how much can we tell our son "imitate their faith, but don't get influenced by their passionate pursuit of newer and bigger houses/cars/electronics/toys" before he gets confused about what's supposed to truly be the most important thing for Christians?

am i making any sense? i guess the bottom line is, how much should we compromise to make friends? or is it better for us to be without couple friends rather than to risk our son taking on wordly attitudes and pursuits?

Major Decision

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:09:17 GMT

Normally I am a very rational and steady person. However, last year I got married over the holidays to a military man after dating for 8 months. He went back overseas to finish his tour. In my haste, I thought I could handle this lifestyle...I thought love would be enough. He is so wonderful and we enjoy each other's company so much. I've waited a long time for a man like him.

Now, I am thinking I've made a huge mistake. When he gets back we are supposed to have a big wedding (there was no time when he was home on leave), then I am supposed to move to his base 4 hours away from my home. He has moved around a lot growing up and I've never left my hometown. I started a new job in January that has turned out to be my dream job. I've worked in the same industry for 10 years and this is the step up I've been praying for. His particular branch of the service gets deployed a lot. I can't say as I really want to move to a totally different location, start my career over again, and be alone.

I went to the base location a couple of weeks ago and saw my worst nightmare. A couple was expecting their first child and he was being deployed for 15 months the month before the due date. He won't see his child til it is over a year old. They were moving the wife back to her family. She recommended that I stay where I was. She is a career woman as well and had lived in her hometown for 75% of their married life. Her husband had finally talked her into moving and this happened.

I'm in my 30's and want to have children in the next couple of years - right when he will probably be deployed again. I would prefer to have my family's support than stay somewhere else alone or incovenience my family to come stay down there with me.

My question is: should I stay or should I go? 4 hours is commuteable for both our parts. We could definitely see each other on the weekends. It's not what I envisioned my married life to be like but it's better than moving to be by myself more than half the time.

Thanks for any and all help. I've been racking my brain, crying and definitely praying.

Unfaithful wife, good husband, no intimacy, don't want to hurt kids... please help.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 14:47:51 GMT

I'm trying to keep this short and get to my question. 4 years ago, my
wife said, "she didn't love me anymore and thinks that she never has"
and asked that we get a divorce. I said, "I didn't want one" and we
started sleeping in separate rooms, no more itamacy. I wanted to do whatever it took to keep the family together and prayed that this was just a season. 3 years slipped by. Last year, I found out she had been unfaithful several times in our marriage and was on the verge of doing it again. Things got real
"crazy" during that time... talking of divorce, lawyers etc. Once the
dust settled, she reluctantly agreed to meet with a lady at our church
who helps couples find a marriage counselor.   She said at that
meeting, "she didn't see the point in marriage counseling because they
will just tell us to rekindle the romance... go on dates and she
doesn't want that. Her feelings are her feelings and that won't
change them. "   But she also said, she wanted to go alone at first
before going with me. I responded "Okay, I will do whatever, I just want
something to happen... not to slip back into just being
roommates". That was 11 months ago. She hasn't done anything. She never went to counseling alone. Nothing. She spends most of her time on-line or talking on her cell phone to her recently divorced friend.   As far as I can tell she isn't acting out. But she is very private of her computer. I have been in christian counseling ever since I found out about the affairs. It has helped a lot. I read "Love Must be Tough"... and took some of the advice but didn't give her an ultimatum. Another book that helped me is "Sacred Marriage". Which really taught me that marriage is really about you and God.   Through it all I have found that I am walking closer with the Lord than ever before and that she broke God's heart as well. I still love her and treat her very well. I have forgiven her in my heart and I am in a good place spiritually. I don't mean to sound arrogant... but I'm a good husband, not perfect but work very hard at serving her and respecting her and showing my love for her. She agrees. I am now going through "Love Dare" the book that the movie "Fireproof" is based on and find that I already do a lot of what that book says to do.

I don't think our kids expect anything, other than daddy
snores so that's why he sleeps in the other room. She's a preacher's kid. She knows what's right and what's not. Her father died in her teens and her pattern resembles her older siblings as they have gone down similar paths. I don't know where she is with her walk with the Lord , she doesn't like to go to church, but she does go. She has no good Christian friends to speak of and her Christian sisters are out of town. What they know, I'm not sure.

So, now... we are getting along great. I don't bring up counseling... for several reasons... because I want to keep the peace... I want her to want to change... and I don't want to push her to a divorce.   But, I feel like she has
slipped back into her comfort zone and nothing is forcing her out.   I
so badly don't want a divorce because I think it would be very hard on
our kids and us.   Plus, we can't afford it.   Also, I know that's not what God wants.   But, I also feel it's either a matter of time before she fills that void
again with someone else OR a miracle will happen. I know that's possible but extremely unlikely. So, I just pray for that but after a year I feel like I should do something.   We have been in this "state' for so long I wonder if I missed my opportunity to force change.   I just don't feel like there's much out there that deals with this type of issue.

So, I think you get the picture. What can someone do when their
spouse seems not willing to do anything? Is it better to just wait this out so the kids can grow up in a house with both a mom and a dad? I keep telling myself to endure this for them but it's so hard emotionally. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Trouble Dealing with Wife's Sexual Past (and lies about being a virgin)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:25:17 GMT

Because of my spritual beliefs and personal values, I chose to remain a virgin until my wedding night. Because I wanted to marry someone who also believed that sex was a beautiful gift from God to be used only within marriage, I avoided or ended relationships with women who felt differently. Also, my personality is such that I knew I could never be married to a woman who had engaged in sexual intercourse with another man. The thought of it would be just too much for me to handle. (I'm not saying that you have to agree with the fact that I couldn't be with a woman who had engaged in sex with another man; I'm just saying that for me personally it is something that I wouldn't be able to deal with.)

At the age of 23, I met the woman of my dreams. She knew how I felt about not having sex before marriage, and she agreed with me. She told me that she was a virgin. We went out for three years and never had sex. At the age of 26, I married her. Knowing that she and I had "saved each other" for marriage was a very special feeling and it created a special bond between us.

Eleven years later, my wife got a call out of the blue from a former boyfriend that she had dated for 7 years. She hadn't heard from him in several years. She spoke with him for nearly an hour. After some discussions about that phone call, she "came clean" and admitted to me that she had had a sexual relationship with him during their college years. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated.

Now in our 28th year of marriage, last month my wife admitted to me that she had also had sex with another boyfriend, too.

My problem is this: I love my wife more than anything in the world, but dealing with her deception, along with the haunting images in my mind of her having intercourse with those men, is very difficult for me. I try to be a loving and forgiving Christian husband, but I find myself feeling negatively towards her. This situation has adversely affected our relationship.

Other than saying, "forgive her as Jesus would" or "seek marital counseling," does anyone have any suggestions concerning how she and I can best get through this?

Divorce and Remarriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:25:26 GMT

This forum feature is currently unavailable. We expect to have more information for you soon. Thanks for your understanding!

****************************************************

Divorce and Remarriage

The study, "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" showed that couples who were facing divorce or separation but chose to work through the "tough stuff" and remain married are happier five years later than those who followed through with a divorce.

Sadly, many men and women are not given the choice to work out their marital problems and thus wind up single despite the desire to stay married.

Are you currently facing separation or divorce? Are you already divorced and unsure about marrying again? Focus on the Family's counselors would like to offer you encouragement and hope!

**Please note that Focus on the Family's counselors will not be diving into the controversial aspects of this topic.

need help with thoughts about another man

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 20:52:13 GMT

I had a man from church come to our house to help with some things. My husband wasn't home and I was painting. At that time, my husband was not very attentive with me and this one man started telling me that my husband had taught me wrong(how to paint) and started showing me how to paint. He came to our house a couple of times and one time he even told me that he wished that his wife was like me. I should have seen the warning bells, but didn't. Nothing happened physically, but emotionally, I opened a door for Satan. Since then, I go to church and see this man and I have a hard time with my thoughts. I don't know how to drive the thoughts out. My husband knows about this. I have told him the truth. We went through a hard time for a while, but in the end, he told me that he understands that he is at fault with this too, because he wasn't always there for me. How do I make my thoughts be God's thoughts. I get so overwhelmed. My husband told me that he feels that I don't need to come to him with that if I go to God and tell it to Him and ask for forgiveness. I need answers, but I also need prayer. Thanks.

My husband has been threatening me with divorce every time he gets angry.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:14:53 GMT

I'm feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker! We've been married 7 years and have a 6 year old daughter. I work part time as I always have.Three months ago my husband started going full time to school to get a better job. In the meanwhile, he continues to be the breadwinner by working a full time job. We discussed that I should get a full time job equal to his pay so that it wouldn't be so hard on him to finish school since he averages 4 hours of sleep a night.Of course he is not pleasant to be around as a result. Well, I applied for every job that I could find to apply to and he's very angry that I haven't found a way to make enough money to help him out. I've never been a great housekeeper,but my house is by no means a pigsty.My regular job is usually on the weekends and pays about a third of what his job pays and to make more money in the meanwhile,I've started freelancing web/graphics design from our home and sometimes I don't get everything done that I should. And no,our daughter doesn't go to daycare. He gets upset with me for working on his days off and making him watch her. But we need the income!I just can't make enough for him to quit his job yet. BUT I'M TRYING!!!

Please pray for my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:33:52 GMT

Hello, i am new here and i am so glad to have found this site. My husband had a n affair 8 years ago with a 20 year old (he was 39 at the time. I can honestly say it has been the most painful experience of my life even though since then i have lost my beautiful brother and my wonderful monther. but the pain of the adultry was devastating. we went for counselling at the time but to be honest i was too full of hurt and anger to take any advice on board. We have muddled along up until a y ear ago when he told me he has no emotional feelings for me and he wants to end the marriage. I really dont want it to end because i do love him very much but he says it has gone too far and there is no way back. Please could you pray for me that he has a change of heart.

HUSBAND MAY BE LEAVING..................

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 May 2010 20:02:14 GMT

I have been married to a good man for almost 9 years. I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage. We have a 6 year old daughter together. My husband and son have NEVER had a good relationship. My husband wants my son to go live w/ his dad or he will leave. I don't want to break up our marriage for our daughter's sake. I'm sad and don't know how to handle this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I DO have to point out that they are both at fault for not getting along. No one person is to blame. Thanks............

wife has no sex drive

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 02:22:37 GMT

And she really should not be expected too since she is pregnant at 12 weeks. But it is frusterating when she has no sex drive and I do. So what do you do to maintain the will power and self control of doing nothing, which is all i can do. Any advice would be great.

Help my husband had an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 14 May 2010 18:22:59 GMT

About a month ago I got a phone call late at night from a blocked number telling me my husband was having an affair with a coworker. I fell to the ground pleading to God for this to be a lie. I was devastated and immediately called him to come home then confronted him about it. He told me that it was true it had been emotional until recently when it became physical with just kissing and it was already over. They both realized how stupid it was and he wanted to work on our marriage so it was done. We have been in a rough spot for months but I had no idea this was happening. They had been talking at work, emailing inappropriate things to each other- but I only found the things she had said to him- and chatting on FB. I never thought I would stay with someone if this were to happen. I love my husband and our four children and we are working on it. We actually have had the best month of our marriage for years this past month. However, I am so sick inside and I have trust issues. More than anything I can’t stop thinking about it and HATING her. I know I should not hate but that is where I am right now. I am asking for help from anyone out there- how do I get past this???? Please help me, if you have gone through this and have advice please share.

First Love

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:10:08 GMT

I don't understand how strong "First Love" is. Can it die out after one got married?.

My husband just committed adultery with a married woman whom he regarded as his "First Love".

I called that lady and she apologised to me over the phone. I told her not to ever call my husband.

She called my husband just after my call. My husband was really angry. He said that I cannot

stop her from calling him and him calling her. That I must understand that "First Love" is something

that cannot die out. And that he just had sex with her and that made it even worse for her.

She will not stop calling him. I told him that I will tell that lady's husband if they continue to contact each other.

My husband then told me that he already confessed this incident to that lady's husband. And that he

understand that it is "First Love" and it cannot die out.

Is it okey to let asked that lady's husband know the truth or not?.

I have a feeling that my husband was just lieing to me in that. I do not think that lady's husband is aware about

his wife committed adultery with my husband. What move should I take?

My husband told me that "First Love" is something deep within oneself. Even if I pray God

cannot take it out. That it is a chemistry inputed by God into a human being and it is hard

to die out even if I pray for God to erase it.

My husband also put a password to his cell phone. I want to check whether

he is calling this lady or recieving calls from her. Is it a loving thing to do?

I am praying that God will intervene in this situation that I am in. I want

to see his soreign hand move this mountain on my behalf. I am praying that God will

continue to lead my husband and teach him. It is a painful experience.

I really want to see God himself do the work.

From this situation I want to see Christ character form in me. It is sometimes a bit

confusion. I want to apply "Love must be tough". I am reading this book by Dr. Dobson.

I keep it from my husband not to know about its content.

Pliz pray with me. I know that God sees and knows all these pain that I am in.

I want to be a real witness of the resurection power of God in my marriage.

I want to help other women with the message of hope, by using this

situation and how God help me overcome it.

Please pray with me. I am praying to our God to intervene.

When do you say I am done with my marriage. My husband has an porn problem. Then when that is not enough he calls ex-girlfriends and has phone sex with them. When is enough enough?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 May 2010 22:08:06 GMT

I have been married for almost 11 years. My husband has a porn problem. Then when that is not enough he calls his ex-girlfriends to have phone sex with them. I have forgave him 4 times already. At what point is enough enough? He is now in counseling and says he wants to change. I am just having a hard time believing him. I have heard it before. I just don't know that I can forgive him again.

How to help kids with divorce...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 07:44:25 GMT

I am beside myself with grief. I have been separated from my husband for 2 months because of a physical altercation that happened. He had been physically abusive in the past, but had gotten a lot better after he quit drinking. He is still very manipulative and verbally ugly a lot of the time. I have been talking with my pastor/counselor, who worked with us 3 years ago and he believes that I don't have any choice but to divorce, as my husband isn't very remorseful. I know that the Lord has spoken to me on several occasions and said to let the marriage go...to get out of the way so he can work on my husband. I really believe it is the right thing to do, but I just hate it for my children. I know that I will feel better, safer, etc. but I know it is going to be so hard on my kids. They love their dad and other than saying some crummy things to them every so often, he is a good dad. I have always been totally against divorce because I know how awful it is for kids. It is so unfair that I got to grow up in an intact family, but now my kids won't. I just can't stay somewhere where I feel unsafe. I worry about when the kids grow up and if I am left alone with my husband. I know that the kids sometimes keep him from going completely crazy on me.

How do I explain to my kids that I just can't stay in that situation without saying anything unpleasant about their dad. How do I help them walk through this huge change? Is there anything I can do to make it easier on them? thank you...

In and Out

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 22:28:21 GMT

Two and a half years ago, my husband (now ex-husband) moved out of our family home and into the home of a lady I later learned he was having an affair with. He had started a business and was away from home while I attended school, worked, help with his business from home, and took care of our children. We both attended church regularly. He said he wanted his freedom and that he thought he loved the other woman who gave him everything he wanted. In the meantime, we lost our family home and my car was repossessed. He purchased a new truck that was later repossessed. Eventually the entire we lost the entire business. He quit his new job and moved to another state with the lady. He wasn't able to pay child support most of the time and eith in the other state because he lost his job. I eventually filed for a divorce because he said he wanted one, but couldn't afford it and I was worried about my declining credit. This August will be one year divorced. I waited and begged for a year and a half for him to return. Actually, I begged again our court day and he said he wanted to go through it so I did. Me and the children have survived with the grace of God.

Now two and a half years later, he is back and says he wants his family back. He says he never loved her and she was a way to have his freedom. I sometimes think I want to restore my family, but honestly it hurts to be in his presence. I have tried counseling, but only continued with this feeling. What bothers me the most is our children. If I continue with this, will they be unhappy? If I ever decide to get remarried to another, will they accept him? I am in no relationship now and get lonely sometimes, but the tears have dried and I finally sleep at night and I laugh and smile. I am in no rush to remarry anyone. However, it get discouraging to see so many beautiful single mothers who would take their ex back. I am praying for answers. I thought about going to counseling with him, but don't want to. He never wanted to when he moved out. So many hurtful things happen and its a thing of the past, but Ive accepted it.

I am new here and desperately seeking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 13:44:47 GMT

Please forgive my bluntness. I am in shock over a confession my H said to me only last night. i will say at this point is that I am asking for prayer. I know when 2 or more gather in His name, the words are lifted. Please, lift my world to God. I can not get into all of the circumstances at this moment with my daughter sitting next me. Just know that there is tremendous pain and anger. God knows the needs I am asking, and i know in patience He will supply His will.

I have read over several posts on this site and I feel comfortable that I can find spiritual connection I need outside of my church family for the support and encouragement that this family needs so very much.

I am praying for the needs of some that I have read on here. Not only because I feel your pain; because of your Faith and perserverence. We seem to all be in a pit together. As long as we keep looking up for the answers, it doesnt matter how deep and wide the pit is now....Our God is so much bigger! Help me keep my focus on that. I will help keep your focus on the same.

In time I will explain my situation. I refuse to do any more damage to my daughter that she has already beared witness to.

Thank you in advance and I hope that today is better than yesterday. It already is considering God gave me the chance to search for encouragement rather than hatred.

In Jesus' Name,

Emily

Marriage Vows Broken

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 16:37:12 GMT

It has been 6 weeks sense I have found out about my husbands affair. Like everybody else here, the rollercoaster ride just keeps going. We are working together to restore and heal our marriage. He has been so remorseful...and has done everything I ask for.

My question to all is....or what I have been struggling with...My husband broke our vows, our Godly vows and I can't get past that it is all void and desolved now. I mean...what is marriage when the vows with God and me are broken? I feel like we don't have a marriage because of that. He thinks I'm a little over the edge on this one. What do you all think?

Our 25th Anniversary was April 25th and I found our May 6th about the 6 month affair. How can I ever celebrate our Anniversary?

I guess that I'm just struggling with the betrayal and everything else. I keep telling myself that God has a purpose, a good and pleasing purpose in this whole thing.

Thanks for listening,

Jules

daughter-in-law guilty of homosexual relationship

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 13:44:03 GMT

I started to write a long post concerning a terrible situation with my son and his wife. But I was unable to put the story into words because it is too long, too complicated and too painful. The bottom line is that I have just found out that my daughter-in-law was involved in a homosexual relationship prior to and even after marrying my son. My son has been deceived about this for many years.

I also have reason to believe that my dauther-in-law told him a half truth about the situation in an effort to cover up her unrepented sin. Do to circumstances beyond my control, I cannot confront my daughter-in-law directly and my son does not seem to be open to talking about this situation because another person close to him has already tried and he is now no longer willing to speak to this person.

I believe my son is blinded by his love for his wife and his fear of facing painful truth and what it would mean concerning his relationship with his wife and children.

I don't know what to do.

Unhappily married

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 22:17:25 GMT

I have been married for almost 15 years, and it's been a very unhappy marriage. We rushed into something that wasn't right for either of us. My husband is 20 years my senior, but everything seemed to fall into place, and I thought that we were blessed. Right after we got married the fighting began, in fact, we got into a horrible argument on our honeymoon! Within a month I was pregnant and then felt like I should stay and make the best of things for the baby. It has been very hard. He doesn't see it that way. But to me, the constant fighting, nothing in common, no attraction, and his disappointing character are too much. I read an earlier post about narcissim and I have wondered for some time if my husband has this. He never thinks he does anything wrong, he is totally self-focused, acts like the victim, thinks my daughter and I are against him, he is controlling, can't get enough praise, etc. I have no respect for him and he knows it. I feel horrible because of my disobedience to God in not respecting my husband. But his behavior and character are not respectable. He speaks unkindly to me and my daugther. If I try to tell him how I feel, he honestly does not see anything wrong with the things he says. Whenever you say anything to him, he immediately brings the topic back to himself. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't seem to care about how I feel or how our daughter feels. If I even try to talk to him about my feelings or our daughter's feelings, he always brings the conversation back to himself. He doesn't get along with our daughter at all. He recently said to me "your daughter," as if he isn't even her father! This is hurtful to me. He has lied to me about things which is a total turn off to me. He belittles me in his tone and behavior. He has mocked me with a belittling way of imitating me. If he is angry with me he does little immature things that are deliberate to "get back" at me. He is constantly holding it over my head of how I don't respect him. I don't love him anymore but I am afraid to leave. Afraid of the effect it will have on our daughter, afraid of going against God by divorcing, afraid of being alone, afraid. But I am miserable. We have tried counseling but this is a long process and it was a burden on us financially. I have recently focused on making myself healthy, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him anymore. I don't know what to do. Divorce is wrong, but are we supposed to stay in a relationship that makes us so unhappy? I am so depressed at this point. I don't talk to him anymore about how I feel because he doesn't listen and just talks about himself. I have read that there is no "cure" for narcissm. I don't mean to ramble, I just need someone to talk to. It just never gets better. I try not to focus on my situation but it is so painful and our marriages are such a huge part of our lives that it's hard to ignore. I welcome any suggestions. I have shared on another forum before and someone told me I made a mistake. I know I made a mistake in marrying him but that doesn't help me now. Thank you for listening. God bless you.

Help me to not ruin my family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 19:52:25 GMT

Dear friends,

To try and make a long story shorter, It has been almost 1 year since my spouse of almost 16years stopped having a2 year affair with a married female minister. Not until I hired a private investigator, did he not come to realize he was not her only "soulmate". She had besides her spouse 2-3 other men including my husband that she was entertaining in various hotels. Her luster to him had already started to fizzle but this sealed the deal and after sending a joint letter , to my knowledge they have had no further contact. Our lives have went fairly well with some understandable ups and downs. We together started a new venture and have worked together with that and that has drawn us closer. However, I often hear him in the shower saying,"I miss you". When ask who he meant, once he stated his deceased father and then he said he missed the walk with God he once had prior to the affair. Sometimes I worry that it is her he misses and there is still a longing for her.

Lately with his stress issues and the economy he has tried less and less to be kind and reverted back to alot of critical remarks against me. Some including me for our financial problems since with the recent pregancy I had to take an early leave, and he was still having the affair. He also criticizes my appearance, and to the point the other day, I told him that there were things about him that I did not like either and with anger he said why don't you tell me and maybe I can fix them, and as I said to him before, You cannot take those words back once you put them out there , so because of his feelings and loving him I chose not to say anything and walked away crying. We have sought counselling in the past , but it only seemed to make things worse. When we take time for oneanother and talk more is accomplished and alot less hurt is involved. But now I have stepped over the boundaries. While helping one of my single coworkers set up a profile online for a dating service, I have met someone. We have talked just a couple times on the phone and it has been very awkward and lasted briefly. We though have emailed and texted several times over the past couple of weeks and everytime I start to ignore him and concentrate more on my spouse, my spouse ends up being unloving and down right mean. Sometimes he apologizes for it sometimes he doesn't. The man I met online doesn't really know who I am. I have given him a fake name, a fake life and mostly fake photos except for one shot of my face. He calls me beautiful and builds up my self esteem while my spouse not always but many times along with the affair tries to destroy it.

Is it unreasonable or unattainable to have the fairytale relationship???? I want someone who things that I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. To love me and shower me with praise and affection. When we were first married we had that and I gave it all back to him, because up until recently he was my hero. He had a difficult life of abuse, death, abandonment and disappointment that no child should have to ever encounter. I do not see this man on the internet as a life long mate nor do I ever plan on meeting him. We are states and states away, but what I am doing is still wrong and I don't want to jeopardize my marriage if my spouse is really trying and I don't wish to hurt someone elses feeling who is caught in the cross fire.

Should I break it off by avoiding the man completely, tell him the whole truth and really make him made and possibily do nasty things on the internet about me, or tell my spouse either way??? I am so confused to the point I just don't care to be with anyone of the opposite sex if a critical spirit persists. If anyone has any input please let me know. To this internet person, I really am a fictitious character that he has been talking too and a shell lately to my spouse.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

NEED HELP FAST!!!!!!!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:38:11 GMT

k so my husband and i have been dating for a few years and got married last Sept. He deployed right after we got married. In the past he has cheated on me but not since we have been married. The problem I am running into is I cant seem to let go of him cheating on me in the past. I have caught him texting other chics telling them hes single and wants to do this and that with them or that hes getting a divorce. Then he turns around and says he doesnt mean it and they all mean nothing to him. We talked stuff out and agreed to an OPEN PHONE polacy. He stopped doing it and all the lies stopped untill today. He is texting this chic non stop. I looked through his phone and shes asking him to come over cause she wants a back rub and all kinds of stuff. He told me they have been friends for a long time yet ive never heard her name or anythang. I started researching this girl and come to find out she lives close to us same city even and is on his profiles online when she wasnt there just yesterday. Now I understand there are things at work that keep him late and things like that. Well tonight he had a mandatory FRG meeting. This part was true. BUT i also know that when he has an FRG meeting he goes and stays for 20 and leaves. He claims he was there for the whole thing cause he had to be yet when i ckd his profile it said he was online durring the time he was supossed to b at the meeting and so was this chic! Then all of a sudden his SGT calls and says that he has to come in for a GI PARTY cause they did a random barracks inspection and he leaves. Idk maybe im just being paraniod but something just doesnt sound right or feel right. Am I crazy and paranoid? What should I do? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

Tired of holding it all together

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:30:21 GMT

To cut to the chase, my husband has been unemployed for about 3 years. We have 2 children 4 1/2 & 3. I stayed home with them until my son was just about 16 months old, then I was able to find a job that I actually like. I work about 30 hours a week, which allows me to work and provide, as well as interact with my children.

I am not resentful of work, I actually think that I make a calmer, more fulfilled mom when I do work, but I am hurt by the way my husband treats me. He resents that I "get to work" (he is currently a S-A-H-D) to our 2 kids (one when my JK'er is in school). and feels trapped because most of the work he is able to find is not sufficient to offset the cost for daycare. I keep telling him that he is doing a great job as a father, but he feels trapped, and sometimes get frustrated and takes it out on the kids / me. Not violence, but anger & frustration.

I try to do what I can to validate him, but he doesn't want to hear it. Alot of the resources out there focus on mom as S-A-H and dad as provider, which doesn't really work for our family.

Are there any books /resources I can use that don't necessarily assume the father is the provider (although perhaps he feels so dejected because he feels he is failing as a provider.)?

Thanks, any advice would be useful.

Miscellaneous Marriage Topics

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:56:22 GMT

This forum feature is currently unavailable. We expect to have more information for you soon. Thanks for your understanding!

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Need to ask the counselors a marriage related question we didn't cover in the other topics? Post those questions here.

My husband is cheating in Kuwait.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:23:01 GMT

Although my husband is not military, he is a department of defense contractor. He works on an army base in Kuwait, and I recently found out that he has been seeing a woman that is stationed there. My head is spinning, I never would have thought he could do this. I've been praying hard for a break in the confusion, for some clarity and healing. My husband of 11 years is refusing to contact me, saying he needs time to think about if he wants to continue the realtionship with me or this other woman. In the meantime, he has not been talking to our 2 children either. They are seeing the pain I am going thru, although I try to shelter them from it, they are asking why their Daddy hasn't talked to them in such a long time. I need help. I'm not sure that I could stay in a marriage where I'm devalued like this even if he "chooses" me over her.

How do I insure myself im not playing favorites?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 23:05:54 GMT

My husband and I married 7 months ago and for the most part everything has been great. I have 3 children from a past marriage ages 5,8,and 10. My husband has no biological children of his own but recently we were granted temporary guardianship of his exwife's children. They are 2 and 6 yrs old. Before we got married he was taking care of them and I was helping him with them while he was at work. Now that we all live in one home he often says I treat my 5 year old better than any of the others. He would say that before we got married but now he says it constantly. I don't think I treat him different, considering his age. To me, he treats the 2 yr old different! How do I insure I'm being fair to everyone? Also how do I make him see they all have different personalities and really can't always be treated the same?

Regain wifes trust

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 16:34:33 GMT

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Over the years I am made a few mistakes and I have lied to my wife. When we met I had a warped view of how my relationship with God worked. I figured if I did things for people and the church that was how my relationship was supposed to be. I felt that my need to take care of my wife and kids and overspent and put us in debt. We are trying to follow Dave Ramsey's plan to get us out of debt. Because of the lying my wife doesnt trust me. Plus we have a bad record of doing well for about six weeks and then we fall apart. I am looking for help in how to date my wife again so we can start all over if that is possible. She is pretty shut down but because of God she is still in the house. I am seeking counseling but I would like help in figuring out how to win my wife over again.

intrusive parents in law

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:26:26 GMT

I need some serious help in how to handle a very tough situation in a godly way. There has been some obvious tension between me and my mother in law. My husband was raised in a perfect Christian family while my parents divorced when I was 10. My husband continues time and again to choose his mother's side over mine, regardless of the situation. I once wore a dress that neither me nor my husband though was short, but my mother in law, in front of everyone, brought it up several times. "It's way too short, look your crotch is right here, blah blah." All of this in front of his entire family. I held a grudge for a few weeks when i decided to forgive her and felt much better about her.

Anytime my husband and I get in an argument, his parents want to get together, all 4 of us, to discuss my behavior towards my husband and my mother in law. We have sought wise counsel for this, and time and again, we have been told that it is my husband's job to address his parents, his job to let them know that we are not going to be getting together because it makes HIS wife feel uneasy, his job to set up some boundaries. But my husband won't do this. I finally emailed my mother in law and told her very politely that I do not feel comfortable getting together the 4 of us right now, and even though she may not like the idea, I would hope that she would respect my decision. I had to tell her this because my husband did not want to hurt her feelings. And since my husband always takes his mom's side, I wasn't about to get in a situation where it's mom, dad & husband all against me.

Last night my husband and I were having an incredible night together, after arguing over his parents intrusiveness for the past few days, when his cell phone rings. 3 seconds later our house phone rings, 3 minutes later there is a knock at our door. My husband threw his clothes on and went downstairs to answer the door. He told them it wasn't a good time but he wouldn't tell them that they needed to leave. For 45 minutes I was upstairs, refusing to go downstairs in my house and have "the talk" with my parents in law. 4 days earlier I had told my mother in law that I did not feel comfortable with this. Long story short, my husband refused to tell his parents that they needed to leave and he let his mom came upstairs while I was sitting on the toilet, with no clothes on and began to have a very awkward conversation with me in my very own home. If it were so important to her that we reconcile things between the 2 of us, she could have asked me for the 2 of us to get together. This would be a much more comfortable situation. But she needs her husband and her son to be on her side.

As I was upstairs, my husband continued to try and get me to go down stairs, and by doing so he said I would be respecting him. Not to mention how disrespectful it was for his parents who live 2 miles down the road to come stop by our home at 8pm without notice (this is not the first time either). This is causing a huge wedge between us. He refuses to take my side, refuses to support me if it does not fit in with his parent's opinion. We have only been married 4 months, we are still learning to live together, problems with his parents are the last thing we need right now.

I have looked up article after article, spoken to mentors and counselors and my husband refuses to take my side on anything when it comes to his parents. I honestly don't know what to do. We have a counseling session set up in a week and a half, but for the next week and a half I don't know what I'm going to do.

Just found porn saved on the computer

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:56:12 GMT

Okay, I was looking for family photos that were downloaded from my camera onto the computer. I went to a hard drive I don't usually use, but thought the husband might of put the family pictures there. Instead I found porn pics labled as "downloaded games" (he collects and downloads old games (atari, sega, ect.))

I don't know whether to confront him ? Just erase the file and let him chose come to me or not ? Leave it be ?

I read mystery/romances. Is looking at porn and reading romances the same or different ? Is getting mad at porn hypocritical ?

We have 4 sons. The older 2, ages 10 and almost 12, use the computer. What if they had found this ??!!? But couldn't that also be said of my romance e-books ? (They do have some spicy pages.) *sigh* I just don't know what to do .....

Many years ago when I was pregnant with our first son I found him shut in a back room looking at a disk of porn pics he said a co-worker gave him. He said he didn't know what was on the disc when it was handed to him. I was extrememly distraught and he said he would never do it again. Now I find this........

25th Anniversary - should I still make plans?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:13:02 GMT

My wife and I will be married 25 years the end of this month. I had planned on making reservations for a few nights away to celebrate - nothing extravagant since I had a recent job change with a lot less money, and we still have 4 children at home from 7 - 18. However, early last month I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. After becoming suspicious, I found a text message she sent inviting herself to his house. I confronted her and she says that it only went as far as kissing. She says it's over and that she's not interested in seeing him anymore. This wasn't the first.

2 1/2 years ago I discovered that she was having an affair with her old high school boyfriend. This one lasted a couple months, and again, she says it only went as far as kissing. We met with a counselor, and our marriage seemed to become much stronger. I also came to the point that I truly trusted her again. But then came last month's discovery. This one from 2 1/2 years ago also wasn't the first.

During the first few years of our marriage, my wife had an affair with a man with whom she was working under as a student teacher. This one lasted at least a year, and she admitted that they had sex. We separated for about 8 months (no kids yet). She also had other flings with other men during these first few years, although I don't know how many or how far they went. During our separation, she asked for forgiveness and another chance. I know God hates divorce, and I was convicted that I should do everything in my power to bring healing and reconciliation to our marriage. We met with a Christian counselor and got back together. She says that she was faithful from year 5 through year 22, and during that time we had our 4 children, whom I love with all my heart.

After discovering this most recent affair, I told her that if we didn't have children that I would leave immediately and seek a divorce. I said because of the children that I was not going to leave immediately -- I wanted to take some time to decide what to do and I didn't want to immediately disrupt our children's lives (they have no idea that their mother has ever been unfaithful). I told her that I've dragged her to counseling before and that it was up to her this time to take the initiative and to show me, if we were to stay together, what she was prepared to do (Sean Connery's line to Kevin Costner in The Untouchables). I sent her a list of several Christian counselors who take my work's insurance. But she claims that she's been too busy to schedule an appointment since she's been trying to get a teaching job for next fall. I finally made an appointment for myself -- I have no one to talk to about this and needed to unload and get some advice. I met with a counselor last week. I have an appointment tomorrow and my wife says she'll come with me.

Our 25th anniversary is in a couple weeks. My wife has said that she's sorry and that the affair is over. She has asked that the two of us go away together for a few days for our anniversary. For years we had talked about going to Italy for our 25th, but our finances woouldn't have permitted it at this time.

The last thing in the world I feel like doing right now is to plan and go away for a 25th anniversary celebration with my wife who has just recently had an affair, and who has had other affairs previously. I just don't feel like celebrating our marriage right now. I'm still reeling in pain from the fresh wounds, and this recent pain seems to be bringing back the pain from my old wounds.

Would I be wrong to refuse to plan anything for our 25th? Should I tell her that I'd like to postpone any celebration for awhile, and we can save up some money for Italy? Advice?

I'm a Christian, so why do I regret waiting until marriage to lose my virginity?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 16:01:57 GMT

As a Christian, I waited until marriage to have sex. My wife had sexual partners before I met her. We have been very happily married for several years, and my wife is a wonderful Christian woman who has confessed her sin of premarital sex, and has been fully forgiven by God.

Why is it that I feel "nothingness" in regard to waiting until marriage to have sex? Shouldn't I at least feel good about it and have a sense of accomplishment by "doing the right thing?" Abstaining from having premarital sex gives me no sense of personal satisfaction, and it seems as though fighting the daily temptation of lust throughout my high school and college years "paid no personal dividends." In fact, when I look at my wife, who had the opportunity to fall in and out of love with boyfriends, experience physical intimacy with them and do the normal things that are involved in making the transition from adolescence to adulthood, I actually feel envious that she has experienced those things while I "missed out."

Why do I feel this way? Would I have been better off doing what my wife did?

What do you think?

Thanks for your feedback.

Husbands unkind words

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 12:42:31 GMT

My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years. During that time he has used sharp tones and negative words with me often and now with our three children. (ages 10, 6 and 4) He is never happy with work...at any job he has ever had, and when things are bad at work or with money or with anything...he is negative, grumpy and hateful to us all. My family says that it has certainly effected my self image over the years and I can see it is effecting my childrens', especially our 10 year old son. There is NEVER a day that goes by that he doesn't fuss at him about something. Whether it's the way he is holding a baseball to the way he is dressed. I don't understand why he can't just let him be a kid. As I said before, this attitude has prevailed in our marriage. He grew up with a dad who spoke to his wife and children the same way and he (my husband) hated it. Yet, he has become so negative and is affecting us all in such a bad way, that I am truly struggling with staying. I have asked him over and over to go to counseling with me, but he refuses, saying that "I know what I need to do. Noone is going to help me by me telling them about our private life"

At some point he usually says "I'm sorry", but there is always another time. "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to mean that much to me anymore. What can I do?

CONFUSSED AND HURTING

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 06:41:52 GMT

I NEED HELP WITH A PAST GIRL FREND. I AND MY WIEF ARE CHRISTIANS. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 30 YEARS. HAVE GROWN KIDS AND GRANDKIDS. MY WIFE IS A VERY DEDICATED MATE.

MY PROBLEM IS I FOR MANY YEARS HAVE HELD ON TO A PAST FEMAIL FRIEND. I MET HER WHEN I WS IN THE SERVICE. I WANTED MORE BUT GOD MOVE US IN DIFFERENT DIRECTION. I REALLY LOVED THIS PERSON, AND FOR OVER 30 YEARS I HAVE CARRIED HER IN MY HEART. I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF MY MIND. I DO LOVE MY WIFE AND HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL. BUT I NEED HELP AND PRAYER THAT I CAN GET THIS OLD GIRLFRIEND OUT OF MY HEART. IT IS ROBING ME A SO MINEY BELSSING WITH MY WIFE. I HAVE ASK SO MANY TIME FOR THE LORD TO GIVE ME CLOSURE AND TO REMOVE THIS GIRL FROM MY HEART AND TO TEACH ME/SHOW ME HOW TO LOVE MY WIFE MORE.

I IS DRIVING ME CRAZY, I REALLY WANT CLOSURE AND AN END THE THIS AND I WANT GOD BLESSING IN MY MARRIAGE.

I AM REALLY WORE DOWN WITH THIS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS IS DISREPECTFUL TO MY WIFE AND MY LORD.

HELP.

husband into teen porn

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:54:26 GMT

I've found out my husband has been looking at teen porn. He is 41 years old. We just got back together 9 months ago after being apart for 7 years. We had issues like this the first time around too. Should I be worried?

Unhealthy marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 17:59:51 GMT

I am in an unhealthy marriage, this the only thing my husband and I can agree on. Divorce is thrown out often and we do not hardly go a day without arguing. Even if we are not arguing, someone is always on the defense or spewing at the other if they are in an awful mood. I was married exactly two years ago after dating for five years. We went through a pre-marital course which was helpful at the time, it brought up serious conversations, but now I feel my husband has forgot what we learned. My husband did not take it upon himself to surprise me with an engagement. After 4 years, I told him I planned to move on if he did not want to start a future with me. We got engaged, he said he was in fact certain I was the person he wanted to be with yet still expressed his doubt at times. I always encouraged him to do what he felt he needed to do, it is his decision. We got married and have been struggling in so many different areas......overly helpful in-laws is what I will start with, but there are more issues than just that.

Overly helpful in-laws - I should be thankful and I am most of the time. My husband does not understand when boundaries are crossed and feels his only sees his mother trying to help. There is much truth to this, his mother and father are only trying to help and have good intentions. Except I feel differently when boundaries are crossed. Background, my husband had his mother do his laundry for years as a young adult living on his own. I said I disliked this while we were dating, he insisted he did not like doing laundry and it gave his mom "something to do". I disliked it because it showed me his mom liked to take care of things for him, hence he did not have to take care of things for himself and was used to being catered to. I felt my husband was taking advantage of his mom since she enjoyed doing this as an opportunity to get to see him and I suggested he create another time and place for them to spend time together. And bottom line is, I do not know of any other men age 35 that still have their mothers do their laundry. So he knew upon us getting married this was going to come to an end. He and I would then live together and I would take care of this. It was not but 3 months later that he let his mother do his laundry. We just got a puppy, his mother was over helping during my work day with the new puppy. She was in my laundry room (with my bras hanging up to dry, embarrassing and she should not have been in there) to wash a blanket my husband thought might have fleas from the new puppy. She noticed he had laundry that needed to be done and offered to do it, just to help out this once. Chris agreed and let her take it. He knew I was not okay with this, when I got home and was made aware of this, I said call her and tell her not to do your laundry. I drove to her home and picked up the laundry. I told her that while Chris and I appreciate her eagerness to help, that he and I will decide together on what things she gets to help with. Chris did not understand why I did what I did, said his mom simply wants to help. I feel this is my territory and my duty as a wife to handle his laundry. The fact that my husband thinks it is ok for his mom to do his laundry makes me angry.

We moved into a new home with beautiful yard for our dog. Up until now we lived in a condo and our dog needed exercise daily and my husband or I would have to walk her. Now that we have a yard, we put our dog out and she doesn't know what to do, she sits by the door. My husband complains she is not getting exercise and he feels we need to walk her on a daily basis for an hour. Since the yard is only two weeks old, I think she needs to get used to it. Just last night, he went off on me in front of his mother saying I needed to walk the dog versus work out at the gym. He said ask my mom, a dog needs to be walked. I stated it is a different kind of workout and I need to go to the gym. I then offered to throw the ball in the yard with the dog when I got home, but that I was not going to walk her. So the mother chimes in and says I will walk the dog. I stated very firmly, "NO, please do not, this is something Chris and I will have to figure out how to handle". I walked out the door to the gym. I arrive at the gym realizing I left my gym bag and turn back around. What do I see when I pull onto my street, my mother in law walking the dog. I stop and ask her, what are you doing walking the dog after I clearly asked you not to? She states oh, I didn't know you didn't want me to. I shook my head and drove off. Later I tried to address this problem with my husband, and explain he cannot have his mother do something that I did not want done. I tried to explain that would be like me and my mother doing whatever we want even if we knew he objected to. It is unacceptable. He said, oh you are crazy throwing a fit, she just wanted to help me out and I can't walk the dog since I'm busy with work. I feel our dog needs to learn how to play in her yard and we should not have to take her on hour long walks each day. I do not know many people with yards that still walk their dog for an hour daily and feel my husbands request is outrageous. I have a reason for refusing to not walk the dog, I am putting my foot down, otherwise I will be walking my dog even though we have a great yard. Don't get me wrong, I will walk my dog at my leisure, just not agreeing that it should be done daily. My mother in law crossed the line doing something despite my wishes. And my husband doesn't understand what is wrong with the fact he let his mom do it. My husband later admitted, he told his mother to still walk the dog after I left and she asked if he was sure it was ok, he insisted she still do it. I also am not happy with my mother in law that when I confronted her and caught her walking the dog that she lied to me and tried to say she didn't know I didn't want her to. The situation is just wrong and they both betrayed me, especially my husband.

End result is my husband refused to udnerstand why I feel the way I feel, walked away and called me crazy. I tried to remind him that he and I get to make decision on how things work in our home, not him and his mother. I felt betrayed since they took upon themselves to overrride my request. When I tried to discuss wtih him, he would walk away, say I am reading too much into this, so I became angry and more frustrated. He came up with little things over the course of the evening that he would ask for my help with and I couldn't help but retaliate wtih, why don't you have your mother do it, out of frustration. There are other non-monumental events that have been similar. In my opinion, he has not left his mother and father to become one with me and states he doesn't care if I feel that way and that I am the one with the issue/problem, not him. It also gets to the boiling point of he doesn't want to deal with me, I am crazy and he says he wants a divorce rather than deal with me.

Any advise would be appreciated.

"Unique" Blended Family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:13:02 GMT

I just got off the phone with a FANTASTIC counselor from FOTF (if you've not reached out, I encourage you to based on my experience) and have decided to reach out to the good folks on these boards for some real-world, anecdotal input.

Here's my "unique" situation:

I began dating my now-estranged wife when her daughter was 2. We married when her daughter was 5. I have no children of my own. Now, our daughter is almost 15 & the family has been blown apart over the past 2 1/2 years because of my struggle with depression, toxic relationship with step-daughter & my wife's co-dependency.

We've all been separated since early summer & some amazing things have happened;

> After 2+ years of praying for a change in my heart, my wife got the answer to her prayer, just after the implosion of the family.

God has my FULL attention & the remainder of my life.

> Despite my vow to assume the role on my wedding day, I was not the spiritual leader of my family. I now, through God's grace & direction, KNOW what it takes to be that man. More importantly, God is equipping me to be that man.

> I am now part of an amazing Church & serving in a capacity that God put me in, that I enjoy, & that I believe is having a positive impact.

NOW the downside:

> My wife, while prayerful, has not been part of a Church or served in several years. (Between me keeping the world at arm's length & her "dryness" - no wonder there was no answer to those 2 years of prayers, sadly...)

> My step-daughter seems to have been given complete control by wife in her desire to "be the best mom I can possibly be" & somehow try to re-write her past "negligence" as a mother.

> I am not allowed any access (in person/phone etc.) to the girl I helped raise for 13 years & it's absolutely breaking my heart. I have no legal recourse (& would not pursue it if I did) out of my desire to see our family restored.

So the question is: In addition to MUCH prayer, how do I go about repairing the relationship with my daughter???

Anyone been down this particular path???

Can I heal my wifes wounded heart???

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:30:47 GMT

I just signed up for this website last night. I grew up in church and was very involved. I have not been in church for quite sometime now. I feel as though I have lost my way and my walk with God. I still pray but I feel sometimes as it's a pointless endeavor. Is he listening? How can I pray to him and feel as though he is listening? I want to get back in church and get my family involved.

With that being said, on to my other question. My wife and I have been married for 4 years, been together 6. She asked me a the day after fathers day to leave the house. This was out of the blue. She gave no signs that any of this was going to happen.

We get along most of the time. We argue once every 2-3 months but when we do, they are vicious. They start because I get grumpy sometimes and she feels uncomfortable and like she has to "walk on eggshells" as she puts it. I dont want her to feel this way. She has told me that she does not feel that she can communicate with me about situations because she thinks I will be angry. I want my wife to be able to talk to me about anything and I am trying to change my approach and how I react and how I handle situations, big and small. Since I have been gone I have realized a lot. I have realized that I do not talk to her as much as I should. I dont ask her questions that will teach me about what she feels. I feel like I have missed out on a lot because I havent shown interest in things that interest her. I should show interest in those things because I love her and she is my wife. I do not want to be seperated or divorced. She feels like she has nothing left in her heart. She feels that she dosnt feel anything. She and I are going to start thearpy together soon and I hope that is a start. She is just more interested in doing what she wants to do and going out with her friends than working on our marriage. Im trying to give her some space, but its hard when I dont know where she is or who she is with. I trust my wife, I just think about a lot of things because they are in the back of my mind.

How can I pray to God to help fix this situation and get my wife back? I am trying to put him first but my flesh is weak. My heart is broken and my soul feels empty. How can I heal her wounded heart? I can I let her love me again? Please respond, anything would be helpful.

Thank you.

My husband is cuter than me.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:41:41 GMT

My husband is much better loooking than me.I've been married to my husband for ten years now, and it's only now starting to bother me. Maybe its because he looks the same as the day we were married, and I look like I've aged 20 years. On occassion his co-workers or my new friends are surprised when they first see us together. They say that I'm not what they "pictured". It is understandable, because he is a knock-out, but now insecurity is getting the best of me.I'm reasonably attractive, but I don't get glammed up often (reallly ever). I'm still carrying baby weight from our 3rd who is now 5.I'm worried he'll start to pick up on it in 10 more years when people start mistaking me for his mother. Now I have shared my insecurity, and he says its nothing to worry about. Any ideas from wives with similiar problem?

Need Help: Rebuilding Trust

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 06:45:00 GMT

My wife and I had been separated for about 13 months now, she's working as an architect in the US and I'm here in India. We got married 3 days before she left to migrate in the US and since then, we communicate almost everyday thru phone and chat(video cam). We never had any problem in the relationship and I feel that we trust and love each other. 8 months after our marriage, she told me that she will meet an old male friend back in college. 2 days after that meeting, I accidentally saw my wife's email to the guy, telling the guy that their picture is used as Desktop Wallpaper. I ask my wife about it, then she told/confessed to me everything. She loves the guy and she even regret our marriage. I already talked to the guy and he told me that he would never interfere with our marriage and he respect me and our marriage. he even told my wife to love me and takecare of me. In my opinion, my wife is obsessed with that guy. I told my wife to think about this for a week and realize things that she is doing a sin, not only to me, our family and God. I just told her that I just need a heart felt sorry and realize things. After a week, she told me that she is sorry for all the things she've done and she loves me more than the other guy. she told me that I dont deserve what she did, she felt sorry and she will be a better person after that problem.she went home on our 1st year anniversary to patch things up, spend lots of money just to go home, we tour together and spend time for 26 days. I know in my heart that she is mine now, she loves me more than before and her mind is mine now. Even telling me that if she gets pregnant, she will be proud of it coz I'm the father of our children.now, still at the back of my mind I still doubt or don't trust her... what should i do? I ask her if something happend to them, she told me "none". What if she is lying? If she lied, what should I do?I need to get out of this doubt. I love her so much, I want to work on this marriage and spend the rest of my life with her. We will be together in 2 months, build our family together...Thanks.NeedTrust

What to do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 07:19:35 GMT

This has been going on since before we were married. I don't know what to do. I have been struggling with my faith for YEARS and still am.

Here is the situation:

Ever since I met him, he's been trying to get rid of me. To this day his actions still show me he is. Even though he will tell me that he isn't. I feel that I'm unloved and not cared for. The things he says and what not make me feel that this relationship was doomed to begin with. I've had a lot of emotional trouble in my life and all he seems to do is add to it. As it seems, he won't listen to me (he'll state that he is, but never do anything I ask unless I nag like CRAZY), and won't take to heart the things I offer up. Right now he's deployed and in Iraq. I really want to do something to help this relationship, but just don't know what to do. We have two kids, boy girl twins, that I have only recently began to love and want. Before I felt extreme dread. I'm hesitant to do anything as everyone has always put things on me to do. I'm tired of me being the one to get things done, I want someone else to take the wheel. As it stands, I have to clean house, take care of two kids, pay bills, find a place to live with little to no help. Reason for place to live is because I'm living with his folks, due to we couldn't afford a place before he got deployed.

Feel free to ask questions and be as detailed as possible. Nothing is off limits for me.

Prayer to save marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:20:00 GMT

I ask for everyone to please pray for my marriage. My wife and I have been married 4 14 years and she is seeking a divorce because of my actions towards her. i have been angry for years and never really thought of seeking help before. I always thought we would always work it out. I have turned back to God but I don't believe she has. Please pray for my family. we have 2 boys. We live in Texas. Thank You

Still struggling....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 14:51:25 GMT

After 16 years of marriage my H told me he was leaving because the passion was gone. He'd been talking to an "old friend", but I didn't need to worry about her. That was last June 30th. They have been living together since last fall in her new house. She has since retired and been able to spend all her time with him. I still love my husband very much and just can't seem to let him go. I pray each and every day for a miracle from God. This was a second marriage for both of us. It has destroyed the lives of everyone in our extended families. No one had a clue including me. This was a man that our church community and family had great love and respect for. He left me to deal with all the fallout from everyone. There are 4 children and 5 grandchildren that this is affecting. The grandchildren met the girlfriend recently and it has had a visible affect on them. My 9 year old granddaughter asked me to come outside with her this past week and said she didn't want grandpa to marry that woman. I thought I would cry. I'm still struggling with this after almost a year of separation. I'm attending a DivorceCare group which has helped, but I'm still not able to let go. A family that used to meet monthly for bible study hasn't gotten together since last year. Satan has taken a foothold on my husband and he refuses to see it. I don't know that I can handle meeting this woman. My in-laws have told me that I will always be a family member and not to let this woman push me away. We pray together all the time for God to take off my husband's blinders. Please pray for God to give me the strength to handle whatever is in my future. I know that Jesus Christ will never abandon me as my husband has. How do you let go?

HELP! Staying married out of obligation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:35:25 GMT

My husband and I have been married 10 years. Two children ages 7 & 9. I homeschool, my husband works full time at same job he's had for 26 years. He's a GREAT Dad and husband; he loves me and the children very much. He also loves the Lord and tries to be a godly man.

We met through a personal ad. Got pregnant 6 weeks after meeting. Got married when I was 7 months pregnant. Although we both sinned, we both made a commitment before God to stay married no matter what.

The problem? I don't feel anything for my husband and I don't think I ever have. I have prayed DAILY for the Lord to change my heart. I know "love isn't a feeling" but there HAS to be something there to start with. I don't want to hurt my husband, so there is that, but mostly because he cries whenever we start to talk and it irritates the living daylights out of me.

Why hasn't the Lord changed my heart? I have read almost every marriage book, but they are all written to address a woman trying to get her husband back, not a woman trying to love her husband the way God wants her to do. I keep praying, reading my Bible and trying, but truthfully I'm so tired and sad that this is my life and it seems all I'll ever have.

I feel guilty for not loving him b/c he's like the "perfect" husband and father. Help me!

I love my wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:03:32 GMT

Thank you for this forum. I have been through so much these past two years. Somehow someway I wish I knew the real reason my life has fallen apart. I have had seen my marriage (10 years) deteriorate, my relationship with my stepdaughter (13) deteriorate, and have had two seizures.

My wife tells me she was ready to leave before I got sick and stayed because I needed her. She blames me for my stepdaughters’ issues and the deterioration of our marriage. I have been in counseling for the past year and my counselor tells me that I have done everything possible and need to just let go. But I love my wife and stepdaughter and the thought of seeing this family and our son (4) being torn apart is killing me.

I have cried endlessly and pray all the time. A few days ago I had what I think was a vision of words that said "Restoration Will Come". I want to believe that someway somehow my marriage and family will be restored. But my wife keeps telling me that there is no way! She has no interest in couples concealing and I am nothing more than a monster. I have never cheated on, hit, or threatened her.

The other day I gave her the first chapter of a book on saving your marriage. At first she threw it back at me. When she left the room I left it on her bed. She admitted to me today that she did read it and if we had a "real" marriage it may work. At first I was hurt by the term "real" but the more I thought about it I began to think that the fact that she even read it was a good sign.

The worst part is at times I get so upset from the things she says and the way she treats me that I begin to want a divorce and think about what it would be like out there again and with someone who else. Luckily those thoughts don’t stay for long, but I feel guilty for having them.

She wants me out of her life, I love her with all of my heart and sole. What do I do????

Need help with communicating re money

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:29:28 GMT

We are not the typical he is more concerned about the money, where Im concerned becuase its Gods money however I am not as focused as far as tracking etc.

5 years ago I got into Mary Kay and climbed the ladder very quickly. I put us in debt about 30,000 which I realize was a huge mistake. I have been out of Mary Kay for well over 1 1/2 years. I took a job to help get finances under control.

I also had gallbladder surgery in 2006 and we just got all those bills paid off.

I really feel guilty about the finances. I think this is my biggest issue....and probably the reason I have such a problem talking about them.

He is desperate to get a budget but I hate being constrained.

We have been married for 20 year and NEVER been on vacation. My kids are 16 and almost 18 and will be going to college soon.

I know some planning is involved...but isnt there an easier way to get finances under control without having to write down each mile I drive, or each quarter I spend?

we owe about 80,000 on our morgage.

We have no savings

and about 20,000 in personal/family loans.

5000 in credit cards.

Thanks for your help.

What Are Your Thoughts......

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 11 May 2008 06:36:45 GMT

Hi All,
I have a dear husband that has always had terrible money spending habits.
This last discovery is really upsetting me.A little history here,I have loved this
man for over 30 years.The last big debt he had was about 10 years ago it was
10,000 dollars,I knew nothing about it cause he lies and hides the mail, he
inherited some money so that did get paid off,he did not want to use the
money to pay it off, I insisted it get used to pay off his credit card debt.
Anyway May 2nd I got the mail and discovered he has loans at the bank
totaling 7,700 dollars.I am not handling this well at all,I feel as if I have
been knocked down,and I have a cloud over my head.I am a christian and
believe God is in control.I guess I was just wondering what you thoughts are?
Love&Prayers DSR

Time apart I don't think it works, am I wrong

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:32:32 GMT

I would like some feedback on my situation. I have been dating the same young woman for 7 yrs. Last yr we got engaged. It seemed like the right time. Our values are insync, want the same things out of life, I get along with her family and they love me, what I’m saying is all the things that therapists and counselors tell you to look for in partner, we have in each other. But the last six months there is an emotional disconnect. The date has been put off, and no amount of talking will get her to agree to a new date, or the pre-marital counseling. I finally got her to a counseling appt, and it became clear that I might have to retract my proposal. Not that there was anything bad in the session, I just had a feeling afterward. Even if she did drive 3hrs in the morning to make it to the session, I just had a feeling. I was correct.

After thinking some more she does not think counseling is gonna work. At least not at this stage. I told her that is fine, but I need to know she is at least engaged (in the sense of invested in us) even if she wants to put it off. But she just said, I keep trying to work together, but she feels she has to make the decision or figure stuff out on her own. And thinking about us and what is gonna happen, and when is the marriage, is stressing her out. She is just tired of being tired and thinking or concentrating on us. “What do you want us to do, act like nothing has happened, and keep talking, and keep having $_x, and just continue on. I suggested a break but you don’t believe that will work, and I don’t agree with you. Some people do get back together. Just have a little hope. ” Direct quote.

So she needs or wants time apart. But I feel that when people separate, there are just too many things that keep them apart. Seldom do they come back together, especially if they were not married or had kids together. Am I wrong in thinking this? She thinks I ought to not be negative, and have hope. I wish I had thought to ask if that was what she was going to do. Separate, and then spend her time hoping, praying, and visualizing we will be together again. Seems to me if she is so committed to the belief that we will be together, we wouldn’t need to separate.

Stay Or Go?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:58:09 GMT

I am married to an former believing spouse who happens to be a Police Officer, I have been experiencing some abusive behavior with him such as subtle put downs, some silent temper tantrums etc. I pray for God to show me how to be the spiritual one in the marriage and stay focused on God holding to the scriptures. I find myself breaking down and I'm contemplating leaving or having thoughts on maybe a separation. I just want to stay in the will of God and I don't know if that is it? Stay or Go?

I'm feeling jealous - wife texting male best friend

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:54:15 GMT

my issue is i been feeling jealous and a little insecure about somethings. my spouse has a male best friend. they text each other a lot no matter what time it is. i am sure they talk about each other issues or problems. at first i never was jealous of thier relationship while we was dating but when we got married i start to see how close they really are. they call eachother. they communicate more than we do. seems they always have something to talk about. i try to communicate and bring up a topic maybe we can talk on.it doesnt work. i either get a straight answer or something. they hang out or i hang with them and his girl. i try to be social....its so much other things i feel it should be a limit..ive expressed how i feel and was really open about it...butit seems they get mad or like i dont understand what or why is there an issue....and yes they have been friends since forever. but when i married her. i stop being close and social with female friends .i believe there are reason and teachings on this matter because its a thing called emotional affairs. when you dont realize how close you are to that person more than your spouse..but a person gave me some advice to say what if i had a female best friend and we are doing the same. how would they feel if the shoe was on the other foot. but i didnt bring that point out because its a fragile thing to get into. i want to be fair and not mess my marriage up.

Please pray for my family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 11:40:07 GMT

I am new to this forum idea, but I know that God wants me to reach out for help and I'm trying anything He leads me to. I've been married for 13 years and we have 3 children. 10 months ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I was devastated. We are both believers, very active in our church and very family oriented. Our problems were (are) what I've learned since then are very common to those with marital issues, (communication, finances, personality conflicts, sexual). Alot of issues but common in this world I believe. I love my wife still (unconditionally) and have made changes in my attitudes, my actions, and my attention to our relationship. She acknowledges that I seem to be "the perfect husband" (especially these last few months), but she doesn't love me and she sees no hope for our future. I think she has decided to just live with me and resign herself to a miserable relationship. I've tried and read and studied and changed and especially prayed. She just told me 2 days ago that nothing has changed. I'm to see a Christian counselor tomorrow that we've both seen a few times. She said she'll go if I want her to, but it's useless and a waste of money.

I'm trusting in God, He's kept me through the worst year of my life (I'm 45), but my faith is weakening. I know He can do anything, but will He change her heart when she's so adamant about her hopelessness? I would appreciate all prayers and any encouragement.

Testing also to see if my text shows up

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 24 May 2008 21:48:49 GMT

At first I clicked run and nothing, then a second time and I subscribed to a few post that I finally got to give a short reply to but I don't see them in the specific forums? So I'm trying to see if this works here and if you would let me know if I am showing up in here! Help!

Thanks

So Disappointed/Online Affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 06:21:46 GMT

Hi all,

New to this board. Just discovered my marriage of 14 years is in trouble. I thought he was my soul mate. We were married at 19 and we are both believers. I never thought something like this could happen to us...but...

My husband had an online affair while I was out of town this month. I was caring for my Mom who has Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. It was so emotional to be caring for her during this recurrence to begin with....then this just blew my mind when I returned home...and broke my heart.

I discovered the heart-wrenching texts, conversations and pics on his phone and email by complete surprise. They were more than just sexual...They seemed to be almost wildly passionate.They met and in such a short time they were chatting incessantly. Morning, Noon and Night. I keep replaying the words over and over in my head. I found her pic on his phone. It was all so devastating. I cannot get it out of my mind.

When I confronted him at first, I thought for sure he would beg for forgiveness...but, the shocker was...He didn't want to stop. He said he knew it was wrong but, didn't want to stop talking to her! I was flabbergasted. Cut to 5 days later...He agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to "block" her from his chat. He told me it had "nothing to do with me"...But, it almost feels like I backed him into a corner and he didn't ever really acknowledge this GIANT breach of trust. He is just sort of going through the motions.

We are talking about a man who used to adore me. I am so blindsided. It seems so out of character. Even his character now seems distant, irritated and cold. It seems HE is the one who feels angry. I am mostly just sad and afraid. Today before church was our first counseling session...It went okay. The pastor had alot of great points, but I felt a bit like he didn't understand the gravity of his actions.

At lunch, he opened up to me saying he would probably not ever take it to a physical affair because he was too shy....(AS IF THOSE ARE WORDS OF COMFORT????!) The man is like...clueless. I really feel like we are under attack. If anyone has any ideas about how to approach this---even on the spiritual warfare side----I am all ears.

I am just aching right now. I haven't eaten or slept in days.

Believe..........

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 08:52:11 GMT

First off let me introduce myself. My name is Joe and I too had my share of problems in my marriage. I don't want to get into detail cause I am not much of a typist and it would take forever for me to type it all up. Anyways to make a long story short my wife wanted a divorce back in Nov. 2009 due to alot of mistake I done in our marriage. Basically it dealt with finances, internet (my space) another woman (but never touched her nor had any intentions too, just some flirting), ignored my family, never being there, and always being selfish and I took her for granted. From Nov to March I stayed as long as I could until March 29 of this year I gave my wife space and had to leave. Yes, it was not easy. During the seperation, it got to a point were my wife would curse at me and tell me horrible stuff that would burn in my heart and I even lost my job which I could not beleive all this was happening to me.. Everyday I prayed and prayed and cried for so many nights. I went out a few times but just was not enough to get her off my mind. As time went on the pain eased up. Now it never went away but each day did get easier. We were seperated for 4 months and during those 4 months I knew I had to get back with God. I also had to find myself if I was going to pull through this. I started going to church and I gave my self to the lord to take care of me and my marriage. I became a better person and a stronger person because of God. Now here is the best part. Oh yeah we also have a 4 year old son together. Anyways, on July 29th o fcourse it was late at night when this happened, I was done with everything and I mean my marriage. I was done and wanted out. I told God that I was not giving up on him but just my marriage. I knew that he had something great planned for me I just did not know what that would be. Okay, I cried as I asked God to heal me and that in a few days I am going to call my wife and tell her that I want this d@&%#*e pushed through. Even though I did not want this d@&%#*e. Sorry I don't like to say the D word. Anyways, I went to bed crying and drained of all this hurt and pain. The next morning I get up around 11-11:30 am and I look at my phone to see if it was blinking (it blinks to let me know if I got email or text message) and it was. For the first time during this whole problem we had I was not hoping it was a message from my wife telling me to come home or something positive. Well, I was in shock, it was a message from my wife and she wanted to know about the changes I made in my life and that she believed God is trying to tell her something and that she has been thinking about me that whole week. I could not believe it, God sent me a miracle and I cried as I read the message and cried to God for this miracle. We are now on the road to recovery. My wife and I had dinner that night and she told me that she wants to reconcile our marriage and that she still needs time to find her strength. I have not moved back home yet but we are now talking again. It seems more like we are dating and I am okay with that cause as each day goes by she is calling me more and texting me. The whole point is trust in God and be strong. I know its hard because for the first month away was nothing but begging her and the other 3 months I never contacted her nor saw her. Oh yeah she also told me that the begining of last week she went to the lawyers office to sign papers but she stopped and that something or some one was telling her not to do it. I pray that this will give you all hope and keep your faith with God. May God bless you all.

Lusting Husband- Help?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 13:28:15 GMT

Three years ago I saw my husband lusting after my daughter's 14 year old friend- combined with "checking out" the porn on TV and some internet stuff. I was led to the computer one morning while I was crying out to the Lord after seeing my husband checking out my daughter's friend... then I found a site on the computer. I'm not sure what, when to believe him anymore- He says he doesn't look at my daughters that way- They are not his children-and that he wondered on to the internet site while searching for a musician with a similar name as the porn site.

He is a recovering addict/alcoholic and hadn't been going to meetings at the time- he is also on two medications- one for depression and one for anxiety. In my opinion he is still depressed and the anxiety medication (zyprexa) made him like a Zombie.

We are in counseling and looking for a church- since we got married seven years ago he hasn't been able to "connect" at any church we have tried.

He has admitted to doing all of these things but is defensive when I bring it up- I shoved it down regularly because it was so painful for me to deal with- I am an incest survivor- his behavior makes me sick!!! His apology is insincere and he lacks remorse and humility. I've been in prayer daily since finding these things out but I'm unsure how to proceed, not hearing from the Lord- actually that's not true I believe God wants me to forgive him which I'm working on but I don't feel comfortable with him, respect him or trust him anymore- How can I when he is so defensive and uncaring? He wants me to get over it and move on?

Help

Abusive wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 18:51:59 GMT

My wife has been physicaly abusive to me since we were married 2 1/2 years ago. She went to counseling after a major incident 6 months ago and has stopped hitting me since then, but she is still verbally abusive. I have since fallen out love with her, and do not have romantic feelings for her. I still spend time with her, and enjoy her company, but I feel nothing. I have developed a crush on another woman, but did not tell her because I don't want her to know. Nothing happened between me and that other woman, no talk of relationships or touching. My wife and I have been to counseling, she is in therepy and on medication and our situations has improved. The old hurt is still there and even though I have forgiven her, I still have emotional scars from being hit by her.

How can I rekindle a relationship with a person that I have no romantic love?

At wits end trying to stop divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:48:23 GMT

All this is my first day here, and from what I've read I'm on a long and dark road that many of you are as well. I so much needs God's love, your prayers, and strength and advice on this. I'll give you a background to help you understand. I met my wife almost 10 years ago. At the time we met she had a 2 y/o. We dated for a year and a half and broke up. I moved home and she went off with a man out of state. Alot of bad things happened to both of us during the 3 months we were apart. And God brought us back together. We were married a few months later and so happy. We began church and moving forward in a good path. I then strayed to a drug habit for 4 years. In this time we drifted from church, I became distant and closed offf, and didn't attend to her needs for 4 years. In that time we had lost a child before birth, then had a child. After the birth of our child I saw the light of being a better father and husband and started to move back toward her. We gt a new home, something we both had always wanted. And I thought our lives were moving in the right direction. Then 2 years ago something changed. She told me she was tired of acting and she still loved me but had fallen out of love with me. She had an emotional affair with a man online but when I found out she stopped it and it seemed we moved loser again. She said she wanted to start counseling, but that didn't address no problems that needed and after 6 or 7 months we stopped and it seemed all was right. All seemed good again till May. We again were in counseling, but this time it turned out that only to move toward divorce. She has told me she forgives me for the way I was, but she just desn't see us being able to ever be in love again. She's asked for her space to find herslf, as she says she can't love me till she can love herself. I've tried to get us back to church and she has just put off, so me and our boys are going this weekend. Even though I havent been in church, I've still been attempting to be close to God and praying desperately for 2 years now. Our intimacy is gone, and she want talk to me but on surface type items, the kids, our days, etc. No feelings or how she is or support on bad issues. Shes told me she will stay till after Christmas for the kids, but unless she feels different by then she is gone. Over the past few months she has seemed to get an internet addiction. It started with just playing games, now its to chatting. She has a yahoo account she keeps private from me, but has a couple of people she talks to alot on there and one to the point it seems another emotional affair. It seems most days it takes hours from me and our family. She has begun to study American Indian spirits and healers, and is speaking to on for a month now. I feel she is lost from me and religion, and almost our kids. She has had depression issues most of her life. I want so much to do the right thing, but don't know what it is. She did want to seperate 2 months ago, but didn't follow through. But at times I can still see the one I so much love. Others shes like a stranger. This woman is my heart and I am so sorry for the way I was when addicted. Now I want to show her how I am and have been 2 years, but Im shut out. She says shes put up a wall and want let me in. What can I do? Also should I confront her on the chatting issue? Thank you so much and God bless. I will have all you in my prayers as I read your posts.

what can i do to get my step daughter to get along?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:31:49 GMT

we havent seen her and her my husbend hasnt seen in 5 years we are blessed that we have her and know that Gods timing is perfict. but her mom tells her to lie to us about not haveing things so we can buy her things and she lies about what my children say or do. we are trying hard to teach her about God and to tell her that this is her family as well. she has made the coment that she dosnt need to hear me or obey me becuase her mom said just to obey her dad, i find this hard because she will be with me all day while her dad is at work. I know and understand the joy that he feels at having his little girl back, and I want to be a Godly women and help him but i feel lost. I dont feel like i fit in the picture, and that what i say dosnt have importance. This is new to all of us and i want him to be fare yet he is finding it hard. PLEASE HELP! I feel as if iam lost.

Wife leading double life

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 23 May 2010 09:23:11 GMT

So...I found out today that my wife has a second cell phone that she did not tell me about. Apparently, she got this while staying at her parent's house since we have been separated. She still has her cell phone that's on our plan and uses that one to contact me if needed. The second one she's using to talk to and text or send picture messages to her "friend" in Colorado. I'm so upset right now and it makes me sick to my stomach that she's sending pictures of who knows what. She doesn't know that I'm aware. She has sent her "friend" 22 picture text messages. I don't even want to know what they are. That's 22 more than I ever got since we've been married. If you sense a little jealousy...there is. It's my wife who's involved with some other guy and he's pursuing her. I don't know what to do at this point. We are supposed to have a counseling session at our church tomorrow. How can she go into that knowing she's being deceptive? She's cheating on me...although it's not phyiscal...yet. Also, I found that she may have visited a travel website. That was very disturbing. It made me wonder if she's planning a trip to Colorado or looking for a flight to our state for her "friend". I have been praying for her and for us. It just seems as though she has made up her mind and is going down the wrong path. She's willing to give up 8 yrs of being together and almost 6 yrs of marriage for excitement...or whatever she views it as. It's also hard because her parents are not Christians and so I think they are aware of what she's doing and are supporting her in this. They don't see the damage it's going to do to our two young children. I will fight for my children...whatever the cost. I feel so lost and alone in this process. I don't have a lot of guy friends to talk with. My children and my wife have been my life over the last 6 years. Please help!!

brother in law...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:36:17 GMT

hi, i'm having trouble feeling comfortable around my brother in law.. he lives with me and my husband and his parents.. but sometimes i'm alone in the apartment with just his brother in law..sometimes its at night, or when i first wake up he's in the same room with me on the computer... i've gotten to point where im paranoid to even take my bra off to sleep because i know he'll be there when i get up.. i feel really wrong being alone with him but sometimes i dont have a choice.. its actually kinda disturbing.. i've told my husband about it but he says he cant do anything about it cuz he lives in the same place with us... any suggestions to find privacy and to be more comfortable?? i just feel that the bible is right when it says to flee temptation and not let it stare u in the face. thats how people cheat on their husbands and wives cuz they give satan the oportunity to tempt them.

Marriage of 15 years in jeopardy - Wife wants separation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:57:43 GMT

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and I was told at the beginning of December 2009 that she wants to separate because she is no longer happy; the flame and passion is no longer there for her. We are christians, yet she is also keeping divorce in mind. I apparently do not meet her needs and I lost my job a year ago our financial state has been that of constant struggle. We have always been revered by others as childhood sweethearts/true love and this comes as a big surprise to everyone. We have 3 children and I do not want to see our family broken apart by this. There is a lot of resentment, anger and lack of trust that she has toward me. I am on my knees daily for God to make me the man of God that I should be. Though she says it's too late , I have been fighting for our marriage since Day 1. I am not completely innocent in how the situation is now, I left my family an open target by not taking them to church and by not leading a Godly life as much as I should have. I did nto cover them in prayer and the enemy gained a foothold. My heart aches, my soul is weathered but I continue to fight on my knees to salvage this marriage. She has moved in with her parents, and I will relocate as well to be close to my kids. She does nto want to her me utter the words "I Love You" or touch her in any fashion. But she wants me to continue doing certain actions like adjusting her back, getting her take out and just "beign friends". I just do not know what to do, think, say, or how to react to her cold shoulder. Any advice?

Sending too much money to wife in Mexico

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:52:12 GMT

My wife is currently in Mexico awaiting her permission to enter this country legally. Meaninwhile, the amount of money I am sending her increases as time goes by. Currently I send $325 twice a month. She tells me that the kids are getting sick down there, but she takes them to the doctor if they have a cough. She says it costs about $50 for dr. visit and another $50 for medicine (this is an estimate).

Last month I went to visit her. When I came back, I learned that she bought $600 worth of gold from a person that lives in the U.S. in the same city I live in. This person was in Mexico the same time I was for my nephews baptism. While she was there she sold my wife the gold. So I get a call from her telling me I can pay her $100 / paycheck or whatever is comfortable. This upset me. I was upset with my wife and she expressed some sorrow for having done this. I'm still paying though. Her excuse was that I would take the $100 out of the money I send her. I told her that we both knew that she couldn't afford that (although I wander what she's really spending $650/mo on, she doesn't pay rent or utilities, she lives with her mom.)

Anyway, despite advice by others to cut her off, have her return the jewelry, or divorce her, I basically let it go. Today she calls me to tell me that she is taking my 2 kids to Veracruz to renew their permission to be in the country. I sent her $325 last week. Today I sent her $200, $100 to be used for the kids permission and $100 for her birthday. I call her tonight and she tells me she realized that she can't renew my son's permission until mid-March. So I told her to be sure she holds on to the $100. Sarcastically she said that she held on to it, and went on to talk about how she ate with her brother and did some other stuff. I got the impression that it is spent already.

I'm furious right now. She often makes threats to get a divorce. Sometimes all it takes is for me to voice a difference of opinion and she's ready to get a divorce. I don't feel like I can even communicate with her or she'll keep my kids and stay in Mexico.

Any ideas what I should do?

Immediate Prayer Needed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 10:44:10 GMT

Please pray for my family.

My brother-in-law (55 yrs old) just had a massive heart-attack yesterday and we've just got word this morning that he has suffered devastating brain damage.

My sister and his family now have to decide when to take him off the machines and let him take his last breath.

My husband and I are the only Christians in our family or his, so praying with them does not feel appropiate. (They appeared uncomfortable when I said I was praying for him, when he first arrive at hospital).

Please pray that our loving God gives all of us an abundance of comfort, strength and what ever else we need during our time or greiving.

Thank-you in advance for your prayer.

Sealing off emotions to keep from being hurt

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 19:36:03 GMT

Hi,

This year has been the best of times for me in that I recently had beautiful twin girls and it has also been the worst - my husband of 12 years and I have been through the wringer after me discovering he has been in contact with an ex-girlfriend. I discovered it innocently, then used web-tracking device to find out the extent of the relationship. It was clearly an inappropriate relationship, but he felt like even though he was wrong, what I saw was not meant for my eyes and was "just talk" and I should have let him resolve it on his own without spying. I also know that despite our conversations, he still has not been completely honest with me about several key details. Whenever we've had some kind of issue in our marriage it's me "over-reacting" and him being "caught like a child". At this point, I know he's still in contact with her. Not the degree that it used to be, but there none the less. I'm really tired of bringing this up because I know I can't change a grown man. He's either going to tell me to stop being so suspicious and what's the harm in having friends because we work together, he's involved with the kids, what else do I want or he's going to apologize and be the contrite kid who's been caught "red-handed." I don't want our kids to be from a broken home, so I know divorce is not an option, but I don't know what to do. Because I still have issues with this, I've now bottled up my feelings to keep from being hurt by him and I can't stand him and can't stand to have him touch me. When I look at him and he's being jovial and talkative, all I see is a liar that I can't trust. I feel like I'm just waiting for the numbness to overtake me so it won't matter anymore. Please help!

Financial abuse

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 00:38:19 GMT

Hi have been in my marriage for 27 years.

This is a second marriage for both of us.

We have never had a joint bank account. My husband never contributed financially to raising my daughter.

I have worked full time all of these years- and for 15 of those years, full time + part-time- up to 100 hours/week.

It has always been expected of me to contribute 50% of all household expenses.

I am to pay for all of my personal needs, including holidays, pension contributions, family and holiday gifts.

I signed a prenup that I had no right to any assets before marriage.

He is University Educated, I have grade 9.

His beneficiary is his only son, he has no other children.

My daughter died 15 months ago at the age of 27 by suicide. Since then, I have barely been able to work, but am still expected to contribute my 50% to household expenses.

He drives an expensive vehicle, and mine is 8 years old on it's last legs. I can't even get financing on a replacement as my credit room is tied up in our marital assets. He will lend me money at a premium- above bank rates.

He is now retired with a very large estate, most of it in real-estate and cash. Our economy is bouyant and housing prices skyrocketing.

I do not have enough to retire, and if anything happens to him- I will loose my home, as he has left his 'share' to his son.

I am heartbroken.

He is a godly man. I have brought this up with our (Christian) Counsilor, Pastor, Physician and Phyciatrists.

I have been patient, prayerful, given this over to the Lord.

Nothing moves him on this subject. I have spent my savings.

I even left him twice over this issue, and nothing changes.

Is this financial abuse? Do I accept this and trust the Lord will provide?

I am loosing respect for him when he pompously presents himself as a devoted husband.

What do you suggest?

Thank you and God bless you. xoxo

Are men really suppose to be the head of the household?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:48:56 GMT

The Bible mentions that women should obey their husbands and that men are suppose to be the leader of the household? Does this really hold up in today's family life?

Emotional Affair.....maybe more

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 23:47:38 GMT

Hello all. I have been reading posts here for about a week and I think it is time I post my own issue. My wife is involved in an emotional affair with an old friend of hers. Of coarse she doesn't see it that way, but that is exactly what it is. They had a chance encounter a couple of weeks ago and spent some time getting to know one another again. Since then, they have talked on the phone or texted nearly non-stop. Right out of the gate she started hiding it all and was being less than truthful. She never talks with him around me and the conversations via text and the phone calls are always erased. It has gotten to where it seems she is anxious to communicate with him every moment she has that I'm not around. She swears it is platonic, but my gut tells me something different.

Less than a year ago she had another "platonic" guy friend as well. That relationship started similarly and I warned her multiple times that it was a dangerous situation....but I let her continue. Finally they took it too far and I found out the hard way that she had feelings for him and was soliciting a one night stand, or more. I caught it, stopped it, and she swore it would never happen again. Now we are in what I think is the same exact situation again. I know for certain that this is a bad thing, but she says I'm over reacting and it is my jealousy because of her first mishap. Of coarse I know better, but how do I get her to understand???

I'm just not sure where to go from here. In my eyes it should be easy for her to see. She tripped once in the same situation, so steer clear from these situations.....right? Beyond that, we are a married couple. We should respect boundaries and if I draw that line, why does she feel the need to cross it?? It really just makes me feel like she is unhappy with me and our life together. Although, she swears she loves me and everything is fine. I really feel like she is giving him what she should be giving me....open, intimate conversation. It hurts beyond belief.

To top it all off, she will be traveling to where he lives to visit another friend. I am more than certain that they plan on spending time together......which could be devastating. Given the past experience, I have no reason to believe she is strong enough to avoid that possible disaster.

How do I get her to stop?? Why is she doing it?? I pray for her and us multiple times a day. I need others to pray for us as well. I have asked her to go to counseling, but she says no way!

I believe there are some other issues going on with her that is helping to prompt this behavior ( I can talk about that when I have more time), but there is still no excuse for this behavior in my book.

I would really be interested in hearing what you all think. Particularly my sisters in Christ. I would like to hear a woman's perspective on this type of situation. I feel like putting my foot down and giving an altimatem, but I'm afraid it will push her further away. Please Help!!!!

Dr. Dobson's courtship and "cold feet"

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 12:45:41 GMT

Where could I find the story of Dr. James Dobson's and Shirley's courtship? He described his "trapped" feeling during their courtship, and how Shirley wisely handled it by pulling back from him, so that he began to pursue her. I heard this on the radio, along with his wise reasoning about the situation. My daughter is needing some help with her courtship.

After a family death and a miscarraige my husband left me- How do I save my marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:32:29 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years...we've always had a strong yet stressed marriage. But we're 2 strong-willed people and we loved each other. I have always been a Chrstian- alought I've had a few years where I pulled away from God but have always attended church and serve in the church as well. My husband was also raised in the church.

During the start of our marriage, I was a full-time student working 1 day a week for the first year and he worked (and continues to work) 3 jobs. After I graduated school I was able to get a full-time job right away and work shift work. My husband has a full-time job as an EMT and 2 part time jobs because he is hoping to get full-time with that career as a police officer. He also works shift work. We rarely get to see each other because of our schedules but we made the best of it. He's also a volunteer fireman as well so that takes extra time from us but he was raised in the firehall and that's part of who he is.

My parents rely on us heavily for help due to my father's disability and several months after we were married, my father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. My husband helped his mother by taking his father to appointments in his spare time. 17 months after he was diagnosed with the cancer, he lost his fight. We spent the entire week before his death taking care of him- I did most of the care because I wanted him and his mother to be able to be the "son" and "wife" and not the caretakers. I had a difficult time with it but I loved my father-in-law and wanted to do this for him and the family. He passed at the end of Sept. 2009. A few days before he passed away, I found out I was pregnant...my husband couldn't have been happier. We were elated and in lieu of the tragic loss of his father (who he was very close to) we had much to be thankful for.

Then, exactly a month later I miscarried. It was devastating and mind-numbing. I had a D&C and was sick for several weeks after- my husband had to pick up the slack because we have a small farm as well as taking care of me and the house...and continue his work schedule. In addition, my mother-in-law moved into an apartment a week after the funeral and so we were busy helping her with the move- my husband did not participate much so I picked up the slack for him, thinking it would help so he didn't have to "deal" with it.

I had a very difficult time at Thanksgiving with handling my emotions and it was just difficult for all of us. But my husband never said much about how he felt.

In December, relations became strained over the day to day stresses...neither of us were happy (but I just wasn't happy with how life was going- I was completely happy with him). We had a small disagreement that turned into a huge arguement and he left for a couple of days saying he needed to clear his head. I was very resistant to this and was bitter....I realize now that during this time I was so un-Christian and was a terrible example of how God wants a wife to act. I was angry and hostile and grudge-holding and called him names and told him how selfish he was. He came back a week before Christmas and things were "ok" with us. Then over Christmas we continued to argue and he hurt my feelings when he chose to stay over-night at a friend's house for a New Year's Eve party and never came home. I wasn't able to go because of work.

New Year's Day I finally got a hold of him while I was at work at told him how low I had gone and what he was doing to me was killing me and he needed to decide what he wanted in life (one of my biggest problems was that when he left for a few days in Dec. he took clothes and belongings and stayed at a cousin's house but then never brought his things back when he returned a few days later....I couldn't let go of it and he kept saying he didn't have time to stop over there). Later that day, when I was on my way home from work, he told me he was "done', he didn't want to "do THIS anymore" and he loved me but wanted a divorce. We got into an arugement, I went home and waited for him to get off of work....we talked for 3 hours and I begged him, tried praying with him, tried appealing to what God wanted in a marriage, that we needed help and he wouldn't listen...in a few short hours he went from saying he still loved me to saying he didn't love me anymore.

I had asked to go to counseling before and he admits he put it on the back burner. Then he asked for us to go to counseling and I refused because I was mad at him for expecting me to jump at the chance then. Now that I've been asking him, he's refusing.

He moved out Jan. 2 and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. He said nothing when I told him. I wouldn't let him go to the first doctor appointment because I said I couldn't handle how he was treating me. The week that I found out, he signed a lease for an apartment and moved all of his things. Last week I miscarried again. When I told him what had happend, he didn't offer to meet me at the doctor's office...and he didn't bother to offer to come to the D&C. All he said was he was sorry I had to go through this alone and he really didn't want this to happen to me. And his reason for not going to the D&C is that he "wouldn't have been good support".

It's only been in the last couple of weeks that I've reconnected to God, that I'm learnging about forgiveness, mercy, grace and love and what God wants for me as a Christian and what he wants for marriages. I've tried talking to my husband about this and all he continues to do is bring up the past and our arguements. He's pulled away from God and indicates if he can't be the "perfect" Christian then how can he be one at all. Nothing I say or explain to him is accepted by him...he continues to say he doesn't love me any more and he wants a divorce but said that he wouldn't be "dragging" this out if he wasn't thinking about it.

When he first left, he gave me so many reasons for not being happy- said that he hadn't been happy for a year but neither myself or anyone that knows us believes that...and the letters and love notes he wrote me this past year contradict that as well. I just found a letter he wrote me after his father's death proclaiming his undying love for me and he couldn't be happier and how proud and in love with me he was because I was going to be the mother of his child. Now, he says none of that was true and he got pregnant with me "to make things better"...when things didn't appear bad to begin with.

He's not attempted to contact me since the D&C and his preacher that he occasionally talks to advised me to leave him alone and not contact him for awhile so that I didn't seem "clingy" or 'desperate". My preacher is advising me to still maintain some form of contact with him- one that won't initiate disagreements- to let him know I'm thinking about him and that I love him. I don't know where the happy medium is with that.

I've had a difficult time coping with the loss of this pregnancy and it's magnified more so by not having him here for us to support each other. All I do is think about us and pray and beg God for another chance- I've told my husband what God wants from a husband and a wife and how excited I would be to give that to him now that I understand what God's teachings mean and how excited I am to be the Christian I'm supposed to be and realized that I haven't been...but I can't stop thinking about us. He says he's happy now and that his happiness now means more than the happiness we had together and he doesn't think we can get it back.

I'm lost and devastated and sick about the whole thing...I'm learning where I need to be with God and my husband is chosing the other road because it's the easy way out. His co-workers are not Christians and that's who he confides in. They're advice is if one person isn't happy then it's not going to work...he will say he doesn't take their advice but he's following that route...and he's so resistant to the words of God....I'm so frustrated, along with everyone else.

I don't know what to do...other than pray and I am starting to feel like my faith is waning and I'm up against a wall.

Has anyone else ever gone through this ....did your marriage work out....if so, how did you do it? Do I have ANY hope for my marriage to be reconciled? My husband is the love of my life (behind God) and I know we were brought together for a reason- and it wasn't divorce. But I don't know what it is that I can do to try and repair this without him feeling like I'm pushy or controlling.

I need guidance and advice please!

How could this be happening to us?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:56:20 GMT

I have been married 20 yrs and spent three years with my husband before we married.He went to school to be a minister and I worked to support us while he did.He was a pastor for about 2 1/2 yrs and people got very nasty and criticized everything he did.We decided he would resign and we aquired some financial issues due to this decision and he had two dangerous accidents since leaving the church.He has alot of chronic pain in his back that never goes away.He has been out of the ministry for about 8 yrs but has a very good job now that he likes.

We have had a rough 6 months or so and he was looking up ways to divorce me online without ever talking to me about it.It has been a downward spiral with me trying to talk to him about his feelings and me getting very hurt and then angry and saying nasty things.Two weeks ago he told me he did not love me and was moving out to his mothers.We have 2 sons he also left but watches them while I am at work.He says he wants a official seperation or divorce.I cried the first week over and over and begged him to come home,he refuses.He yelled at me "I want a relationship with my kids,I don't want one with you!"I have started the love must be tough and it is hard.

How can the man I loved for 23 years be acting this way.He is 43 years old and I would guess maybe a midlife crisis.He insists there was no affair going on over and over.The first few nights he told me he was staying at his mothers he lied,he never slept there.I screamed and yelled and took a fit,he told me he slept in his truck.He is behaving erratically and blames me for everything,I am no angel I know.Things he mentioned that I do I have tried to correct but he won't try.He told me there have been too many bad words said and he can't forgive me.He also says he can't forgive himself for things he has done,one of them being an affair he had 12 years ago while he was in minister school.A short one and he has been guilty ever since.Why did he tell me about the affair after 12 yrs? To get rid of me,because he is guilty?or because he is headed for another affair?

He has been gone two weeks and I miss him so much and it hurts our kids terribly.He is watching them and giving me money however it takes all of both our pays to run the house.Funny thing is he has been working around the house doing odd jobs I have been asking him about doing a long time.I have read so far that I need to be strong and not let him see how it hurts and not to call him to talk.

He is taking some medication for depression.What do I do next,I have opened my own bank account and scheduled an appointment with a lawyer,but I have no money for a lawyer and I don't want a divorce.I went to see a psychologist for support but the woman seemed to have issues herself.She told me to continue to wash my husbands laundry he keeps leaving behind and to take him back no questions asked if he wants to come back.It seemed a bit off to me,why should I wash his laundry,he has free will to leave me he can was his own laundry.The therapist told me I need to watch what I say to him and basically take whatever he dishes out.He tells me he wants nothing to do with me,he leaves me in a position of taking on all the responsibilities with less money,half of his paycheck.That thereapist also said if he has been gone 2 weeks he probably won't come back and usually men return in 3 days.Is there hope? Should I even want there to be hope?

Hopeless and Ashamed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 18:41:20 GMT

Where do I start? First of all, I wish it was all a nightmare and I could wake up! When I met my husband, I was a single mother living in an unfamiliar place. I had no friends or family and it was just me and my daughter. He was going through a divorce and had three children of his own. Shortly after we met, my mother was a in a horrible car accident. Everything was a whirlwind, we met in January, were living together by April and engaged by June. I became an instant mother to four children. Not only was I dealing with instantly raising four children, my husband was a full-time firefighter and I had to deal with so much drama from his ex-wife. But I never looked back and put my whole heart into being a wife and a mother, because I knew that this was God's plan for me. Things were not easy from the start, but with God's love, I knew I could do it, and I was so in love with this man! I tried to do everything right, I tried to be the best, I tried, tried, tried. Then I got pregnant, and we added number 5! What a joy she was! I was going to college and only took a week off after I had her. So, 5 kids, full time college student and a wife to a firefighter! Then, my husband started having issues at his job...it was so stressful. I wasn't sure we were going to make it. I know that the Grace of God was with us and we survived. But, a lot had been broken. We said and did things that were hurtful to each other. Fast forward a couple of years and money was pretty tight. I wasn't good at keeping a budget, wasn't good at paying the bills. We got scammed into a mortgage with an ARM and the payment was too much. I had too chose to buy groceries or pay the mortgage. And, I wasn't honest with my husband about the bills. Our vehicle got repossessed one night and it was awful. My parents helped us out. He eventually found out about the mortgage, by that time the house was almost in foreclosure. We thought we found a buyer for a short sale, but it was another scam. By that time, it was too late, we moved to a rental home in the suburbs. I really didn't know how much I had hurt my husband by being irresponsible about the bills and losing the house. That was over 3 years ago and to this day, he brings it up pretty much on a daily basis. I hurt my husband's pride, I took away what he had worked hard for. How selfish of me.

Through all this time, I don't think I ever learned how to be a wife. I wasn't living up to my husband's expectations and he was leaving me alot. He would leave and not come home all night. I never knew where he was going. Then I would get phone call's from his ex-wife telling me that her and him were having sexual escapades. My husband knows my weaknesses, he knows what hurts me and would say things that he knows would hurt me, even if they weren't true. It led me to believe that I wasn't pretty, that I was fat, that my body wasn't good enough, that I wasn't pleasing him sexually, I was all around an inadequate wife. I felt that he was always cheating on me and would check his cell phone records, but not tell him.

About six months after we moved, things were really strained. I kept thinking how life would be if I found somebody that loved me for me. On Valentine's Day of that that year, my husband left and didn't come home all night. He told me that I wasn't a real wife, a good wife and that I didn't deserve anything for Valentine's Day. It broke my heart. My mind constantly started wandering and I kept thinking what if? Then on our anniversary, he told me that he didn't want to celebrate it. He wasn't happy about being married to me and wasn't going to celebrate it. That was all I could take. I wanted to find somebody that made me feel good. I started looking online and came across a guy that I had met through my husband, they where friends when they were younger. I contacted him, anonymously, until one day I saw him at my work. The bad thing was, my husband and him had reconnected because he was doing some work for him. So, I persued this guy, we e-mailed back and forth. I went to his house one night with my husband and two of my daughters. I was putting on an act, in front of my husband and my girls. Shortly after that, my husband took my ring away, left for two nights and told me it was over. That was fine with me, I had somebody now. I was e-mailing and texting this guy. I was very sexually explicit with him, even sending him pictures of a sexual nature. But, he was paying attention to me, I looked forward to hearing from him and it felt like I was a new person! I did not have a physical relationship with this guy, but an emotional one.

I don't know why I didn't think my husband wouldn't find out. And I didn't want him too, I guess I still wanted to have my cake and eat it too. On Memorial Day of that year, it all came crashing down. He told me he knew, he told me he had all the texts messages I had sent and the pictures. I was devastated. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I thought I wouldn't care. But at that point, God put his arms around me and hugged me. He told me to hold on, that is your husband, don't let him go. I purged everything out at that moment and did not have one more thought, unclean or not, about the other guy. I was done with that stupidity, I knew I had hurt my husband, but I wanted to do whatever I could to save my marriage.

That was over two years ago. Are things better? No. They have been sometimes, but the sometimes are few and far between. There is so much hurt. I am still not good at the bills. I give my paycheck to my husband every time I get paid, but the responsibility still falls on me. I am not good at communicating with him. I don't like to tell him things, about bills, etc., because then he brings up the past and it just makes me feel so awful. He has saved all the text messages and the pictures I sent the other guy and refers to them almost every day. He keeps track in his phone the date and time that I do bad things or say bad things. I was still checking his phone records because I think he is cheating on me. From the beginning of our marriage, when he has wanted to leave, I have tried to physically hold him and not let him go, standing in front of doors, etc. I just didn't want him to leave me. I know it's wrong.

It's been so awful lately. So out of control. One issue that I am having such a hard time dealing with, is that my step-children's Mom has been in and out of their life for the past 9 years. And for the last 3 months, she has all of sudden taken an interest in being in their lives. It's very hard for me to deal with. We have never got along. She acts more like their friend and I act like their mother. Due to a court order, she has not been allowed to even have them overnight for the past 7 years. But, she is still their mother. I am insecure and I don't want them to stop loving me or love her more.

I want to save my marriage. I want my husband to forgive me and I want to forgive him. I want my children to forgive me. I want to be the real woman that my husband wants, I don't want to be a disappointment to him anymore. I want the enemy out of my house and I want to feel God's presence. I have asked my husband for forgiveness time and time again, I have asked God and I have truly, truly in my heart repented. In the past couple of weeks, things have been so bad that my husband has been calling his ex-wife and telling her things about me. He did it again last night. I then called her, and said awful things to her, but I called her back and told her I was sorry and asked for forgiveness from her. That was wrong of me. I feel ashamed and embarrassed by the things he told her. And we both said things we shouldn't have in front of our children.

Thoroughly confused: pre-marital sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 03:27:40 GMT

I recently started dating a girl after working together at a christian summer camp. I just graduated college and she has one year of college left. We have not been too serious, although I really really like her and wouldn't be dating her if I didn't see potential for marriage.

We are both fully committted to following Christ, and believe sex outside of marriage is wrong. I have already known that she was in a previous relationship earlier in her college years, and that it was serious, they openly talked about marrying each other. However, she has recently disclosed to me that in her pervious relationship they had slept with each other.

I feel hurt by this, and I can't help but think about her and this other guy having sex, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I guess I am also confused because I always assumed that if I saved myself for my wife, then surly she would be a virgin too.

I forgave her, because honestly this dosn't change the way I feel about her, I still have a desire to be with her and pursue her. but i explained to her the hurt and insecurities I now have because of the knowledge of how intimate she has been with some one else. But her value to me is not lessened by this. This is when she broke down and said that she still hasn't forgiven herself for what she has done, and she dosn't feel like she can heal while in a dating relationship. So we have put our dating relationship on hold.

Basically, I am confused because, I recognize that I have no idea if this is the girl God intends me to marry. But I like her so much I want her to be. But I go through periods of thinking that I like her so much that it dosn't matter, and then I go through periods where I am worried that we will begin dating again and I will be plagued with the thoughts and images that make me sick to my stomach. I think that it would help when she discovers full and complete healing and is able to forgive herself for this. But right now, I just don't know how I should feel.

Is it possible fo us to both overcome this and expereince healing to a degree where we could possibly get married and not let this affect us? I am worried that the knowledge of this would always be in the back of my mind.

seperated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 00:27:38 GMT

my husband and i were high school sweethearts married for 17 years have four kids i suffer from depression for a year i was withdrawn did not communicate i lost intrest in intimacy so my husband got tired of it and left i have been healed of this situation and now i think it is to late since we have been seperated he comes to see us and we have been intimate everytime he comes to see us but he does not want people to know he comes to see me at all he tells me he loves me but he is confused he does not know what he wants we have been seperated now for 7 months i want my marriage to work i want my husband back so bad i read <A class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://resources.family.org/product/bk746lovemustbetough.do?code=yf07xrmfrc" target=blank>love must be tough</A> and i know i need to back away all i do is think of him i found out through all of this my husband was my focus i put him before God so i was bought to my knees and i called on the Lord and i put him first he is my focus now i guess what i am asking should i still hold on he will not say i want you but he wwill not say he does not i want him bbut i am so lost right now what should i do

Prayer Request to Cure My Son's Cancer

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 06:52:49 GMT

Please pray for my 6 year old son who has just been diagnosed with Lymphoma. I'm really scared for him, and what lies ahead. I know that God is in control, but right now I feel really helpless, and need prayer for guidance, healing, faith, and forgiveness. I know God hears our prayers, but I feel so distant right now. (Not sure if it's my lack of faith, sin in my life, or some other factor that I need to consider).

Married to an unsaved husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:42:17 GMT

I have been married twice before to Christian men. My two daughters father left me when he decided that he didn't really want to have the responsibilities that marriage and fatherhood brought with it. He wanted to persue his dream of professional baseball and a family was not conducive to that. Our daughters were 18 mos and almost 4. My second husband was also a Christian. He had never been married nor had any children. After 5 years, he also decided that he did not want the responsibilities of children. At least that is what he told me. I later found out that he had been having an affair. I sought counseling then through my Pastor and prayed and prayed. The Lord did many miracles during that time to care for me and my daughters. My Ex said that there were times that he felt the Lord speaking to his heart, but he chose to just move on. Through this, I have raised my daughters to be very close to the Lord, and to know in thier hearts that the Lord works to good all for those who love Him. We had a very "spiritual" home and enjoyed attending church. When I met my current husband and dated, he experienced all of this and we spoke of our faiths many times. His family is LDS, but he has not been "active" since he was about 12. He did not and chose not to attend church. He had 5 children from his previous marriage, all grown and gone. I told him then that continuing to attend church and participate in our home bible studies, etc. was a critical part of my life and MUST be accepted. When he proposed, he told me that all of that was fine with him. Directly after we were married and I would go to church, he would sulk and pout and be angry for 2 weeks straight, trying to make problems. Anytime my religious activities come up or I do anything it is the same. When I confront him, he says "so I lied. I thought it would be ok, but it isn't. It just reminds me how different we are." Then he threatens to leave me. I am SO tired of being left! I do not want to again be divorced. I just don't know what to do. He has withdrawn considerably and spends every weekend at his family farm working with his brother and parents. When I ask to move over there eventually so I can be there too to spend time with him, he says that he does not want me over there permanently because we are so different. I have not been to church for over a year to try to keep peace in my home since my youngest is now a junior in high school. I miss it terribly. I read my bible and pray. I am currently reading "The Power of a Praying Wife." I just don't know what to do. All books seem to be focussed on a saved husband and wife.

Oh what to do next?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 04:17:39 GMT

Been a while since I was on here. Easter morning my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I panicked, did everything to convince her we should stay together.

I had a feeling my best friend had influenced her too much, he said he wanted a divorce from his wife a month prior. Needless to say the hung out constantly, she now lives with him and I am certain it is a full blown affair / relationship.

She is relentless with control. Wants to control everything in my life still and is doing a good job of convincing her family they are just friends. I am at the point where I am going to file. I want custody of our girls, they are very young and I don't believe living with them is a good idea. Can our marriage be saved? She is indifferent to me and a little angry, not pleasant. She does what she wants and don't care what anyone thinks.

I don't want to say it is over because it appears hopeless. I am at the point where protecting my girls is what I need to do. This is a true test of faith.

Can anyone help or relate?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:12:18 GMT

My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We are both 27. He is in the Coast Guard and this is his third unit since we've been married. If you add up all the days that we are apart, it ends up being half of the year. I struggle so much with trying to find a job I like, and it is practically impossible to find a job that matches his schedule. So I feel stressed out alot because I feel like my life completely revolves around my waiting around for him to be home and struggling with working at low paying jobs that I dislike. I really want to have a baby and be able to stay home with it, but my husband is completely against it and when we talk about it all he tells me is that I wouldn't be able to handle a baby and doesn't give me any future indication of when we will be able to have children. The thought keeps coming into my mind that if he still doesn't want to have children with me when we turn thirty (which will be 8 years of marriage) then I may not even want to stay married to him anymore. I know that is completely sinful to think, but I don't feel like I can take it much longer. My life has to revolve around his career because that is how it is being a military wife. But I am really struggling with it because I can't pursue my own personal career dreams because I'm bound by whatever unit he is assigned to, and I can't have children either. Is there anyone who can help me?

My family needs your prayers

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:41:43 GMT

I have posted on here several times. Nothing has changed it has only gotten worse. This is a brief summery of what is going on. My husband of 21y moved out and filed for divorce back in July. He is having an affair with someone I befriended. She is also a co-worker. He said it started after he knew he no longer wanted to be with me. Our divorce is not final. Well in December she got promoted so now she is over me. On January 2 about 11:30 at night there was a knock at the door my 18y son went to see who it was. He came back and told me it was a police officer. I asked him to go see what he wanted since I was just getting up. He came back and told me that my daughter (she is 15y) had been picked up in a town near by intoxicated (she was to be with friends at there house), she was walking the street with no coat or shoes on. She had on a sleepless shirt. When we got to the police station they had said that they called my husband and all he said was is her mother picking her up or do I have to go get her. She was in the bathroom when we went to get there. It was just like you see in the movies. She was on the floor with stuff hanging from her mouth and her mascara was all over her face. It took both me and my son to take her out to the car. She was sick all night long. I did make her get up and go to church with me then next morning. Need less to say she is in big trouble. My husband did not call and check on her till noon the next day. He told her it was bad parenting on my part. Mind you he has not seen them since the Tuesday before Christmas and this is the first time he has called her since then he has not talked to our son since that Tuesday. When I asked her why she did it one of the reason she said was cause of what is going on at home and what her father is doing to the family. When he called she did not tell him she said she was scared of him. He has never laid a hand on any of the kids. I am also having problems with my oldest he is 20y. He thinks his father has done nothing wrong. Every time we talk we get in to a fight, and end up hanging up on each other. He does not live her he lives about 2hr a way but he comes back for drill one weekend a month. Please pray for my family and my marriage. I am always thinking negative and Satan feeds off that. So also please pray that I can think positive. I know God can do anything and I want my marriage restored. I love my husband and do not believe in divorce. OH one of my daughters punishments is she has to write the officers a letter thinking them. Cause who knows what could have happen if they did not pick her up. I do think God for them.

Need Prayer & Advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 22:15:43 GMT

My husband and I will be married for 16 years, this September. My husband is a good christian man, whom I love very much. But.... we have issues that we are dealing with right now, as we have for the past 5 years. My husband and I have raised three children, in a christian home, pastored a church, been evangelists, and done so many things for the sake of Christ. About 5 years ago, I began to sense something not right, everything seemed the same, but when I would lay down at night, our home just had a different vibe, or "spirit" about it. I asked my husband if he felt it, and he told me that one night he had gotten on the internet, and looked at a website, but only once, and "begged" for forgiveness, and swore he would never do it again. The next night I was working late on the computer, and thought I would turn the TV on to just keep me awake, because I had been so upset, I had not been able to sleep. And the Spirit of God, quickened me to look at our satellite info, I looked at it to make sure all the channels were locked, etc, didn't really know what I was looking for, and then I found it. Pornography! in my home, on my tv, where my children were!!!!!!!. I was so angry, hurt, and upset, I thought I would loose my mind!!!! Our whole lives & marriage had spent trying to live for Christ, trying raise our children for Christ, and even leading others to Christ.. and this perverse stuff was in my home. I confronted my husband about it. Because just the day before.. he said only once had he looked at the internet, and now here were months and months of looking at filth on my tv, with me and the children at home in bed, while he was doing it, because he worked second shift. He tried to blame it on me... you know, we would get in an argument, or blah, blah, blah, so that was his excuse at first. Then after constant hounding, he admitted that for three years, he had kept this addiction to pornography, a secret, watching pornography on the internet, and on tv. He lusted after other women, in stores, etc..... I was devistated!!!

My husband and I have always had a very "good" love life, made sure that we spent quality time together, I was always supportive of him, encouraging him in his ministry, hobbies, jobs, etc.... so for him to try and blame this off on me was offensive. He finally admitted that it wasn't me, but that was a natural "I'll blame you ,t o get out of this" response. Through lots of tears, prayers, books, word of God, and time, things got better for us. And I started to heal. and then......

My husband decides he wants to go back into the military. He had been in the Navy before, and had gotten out due to a medical discharge. Being the supportive wife, I said "if this is something you feel called to do", which is what he said was his reasoning, "then I will support you, and be behind you.. eventhough it will be hard on me and the kids.. who are now 13, 15, & 18"... So he re-enlists, and goes for 6 weeks of training, to freshen up on his skills. While gone, we talked every night on the phone, for a few minutes at least... or maybe text, when he "had the chance". There were nights that we couldn't talk, or he couldn't tell the kids "good night" or "I love you", because he only had a few minutes. The day he gets home, and after being intimate with him, I pick up his phone.. and there pictures of his classmates from training, and one had a woman in it.. I asked their names, he said hers, and what do you know, but her phone number was in his phone.. the same feeling from I had before told me to check our phone records... and what do you know, he had been texting this woman, every night, for a month.. so instead of telling his son & daughter good night, and I love you.. he was exchanging flirtacious texts with this woman (which he will not admit to this day, the extent of) ... I was so angry and hurt all over again!!! How could he do this to me again??? He swore nothing physical happened, but as for me, I considered this an affair, just as I had the pornography.. When you hide something, sneak around, lie, etc... then that's an affair!!!!

I have no way, of knowing for sure, if he kissed her, slept with her, or whatever.. all I have is his word, which quite honestly, don't mean alot, it should after 16 years, but how can it. He told me before he ever left, that he would not do anything to break my trust, that he loved me and our family.. blah, blah, blah... I even got a text from him while he was at training saying the same line of junk, while he was having the relationship with the woman!! Supposedly... he started talking to her because he was so "homesick", that when he called home, I didn't sound "excited" to hear from him. The reality was, I asked him every day "what did you do? what will you be doing tomorrow? , told him I loved him, the kids loved him, told him we were praying for him. All the while, I'm at home, laid off from my job, the military taking a month to get his pay started, problems with the house, etc... and I didn't sound "excited". So I told him this time that he was not blaming his sin off on me... he had choices to make, and he made them. He chose to "text" this woman, instead of texting his daughter who lives to text, or texting his wife, or his son, but instead he chose some other woman. He begged, he pleaded, and swore of his love for me. Swore on our children's lives that he didn't touch her physically... We prayed, talked, and tried to move on... I told him that if he ever contacted her, or any other woman, we were through...... Two months later... Yesterday while sitting down with our kids at the supper table, he gets a call from guess who??? It's like I'm never gonna heal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to forgive, I have tried to forget, I have tried to move on, but I don't know how much more I can take. I didn't kick him out before because I didn't want the enemy to destroy what I/we had worked so hard to build... a foundation in Christ for our children and family. I don't want my children to look at their father, and see a hypocrite. I don't want them to think everything we have taught them about the Lord all these years was a lie, because their father has issues. But how can I stay married to a man that I can't trust. And How Do I Trust Him???? To save his face, and his reputation, I have never told anyone else about all this mess, because of my love for him... I know his is a good man, and he loves God and his family, and I know we all make mistakes, and I've made my share in 40 years too, but at what point is enough, enough... Do I tell our children and family? Do I destroy their views of their father? Do I destroy the witness and testimony we have in our ministry? I have tried so hard to be strong, and feel that I am... but I am broken.. No matter how hard I want to fix things for others... for him, for the kids, for everybody else.... I am broken, and don't know how to get fixed. He does love me, and says that he doesn't want anybody else... that he was just weak, and was tempted by the enemy, knows it was wrong, and that I don't have any reason to believe him... and logically I don't.. But I don't know what to do from here.. I'm numb on the inside... How do you build trust, when the ladder keeps getting jerked out from under you, and you keep falling.. How many times, do you have to pick "yourself" up, before you say I'm done? If it were not for God, we would have been divorced years ago, if not for God, I would have already filed papers this time, but I do love him, and I always will.. I told him that I love him as God would, no matter what. I know that God put us together, I have no doubt.. but his poor decisions, keep trying to tear us apart. When King David sinned, he tried to cover it up, caused death to his lovers husband, and death to his child, and finally he repented, but God said that because of his sin, "the sword would never leave", he would always have to deal with the consequences of his actions. I know that what I'm dealing with now, are the consequence of his actions, and it's not going to be easy. I am willing to try, and to work through, if I can.. I don't want a divorce... But I need wisdom, prayer, and advice

REMARRIAGE AN OPTION?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:29:27 GMT

I LOVED BEING MARRIED BUT MY HUSBAND HAS DIVORCED ME. PEOPLE USE THE VERSE FROM I CORINTHIANS TO SAY I AM FREE TO REMARRY. I CAN'T SEEM TO RECONCILE THIS IF HE WAS A CHRISTIAN AND WITH OTHER VERSES IN THE BIBLE THAT REMARRIAGE IS OK IN GOD'S EYES. NUMBERS 30:2, DEUTERONOMY 23:21-23,24:1-4, ECCLESIASTES 5:4-6 ALL TALK ABOUT NOT BREAKING A VOW YOU MADE BEFORE GOD--THAT I WOULD BE FAITHFUL TO THIS MAN UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. MALACHI 2:14-17 SAYS GOD HATES DIVORCE. THE GOSPELS SAY THAT THE ONE THAT MARRIES ONE THAT IS PUT AWAY/DIVORCED COMMITS ADULTERY. THE HARDEST PART IS THINKING THAT I MAY BE "ALONE" THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Walking on eggshells

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:17:51 GMT

Hi. I am new here and I have been reading other posts and thought that this might be a good place for me. I have been married for 6 years now and have two beautiful boys, 3 years and 3 months. I have been having some issues in my marraige for quite some time. Things go great for a while and then they take a turn for the worst. We seem to be in an endless cycle. My husband has an explosive temper and when things don't go how he wants he can flip out quickly. He will yell and curse at me even in public and in front of our boys for little things. For example the other day we needed to get something from a friends house. We pull up in front of the building and he says why dont you go up and get it (I was driving and the kids were in the back) I said that I though he should go because it was cold (30 degrees). He said I would do it faster. I got annoyed and slammed the door (which I know was wrong) and went toward the building. He opened his door and yelled B****!! There were several people outside and my children were in the car. I was humiliated!

I finally got the nerve the yesterday to say something. I told him that I didn't think that I deserved to be treated that way. That I was tired of being yelled at and cursed at and I didn't want my boys to see it anymore. He said that he does it because I slammed the door that time, or because I mumble under my breathe all the time, or because I give attitude often. I am not a screamer nor do I curse but I do get annoyed because I do all of the housework and the majority of the child rearing. I am the only one waking up at night with the three month old and to be quite honest I am a walking zombie. I just listed a bunch of excuses but I know that I am really wrong.

Then I find out the other day that he has been speaking to an old friend of ours. She is single with a kid. He used to have a major crush on her when we were younger but she turned him down. She lives a few states away now. But my concern is that over the last 3 weeks he has spoken to her for almost 5 total hours and has sent 1100 texts to her. I asked him about it and he said that I should thank her because she is the reason that he is still living with me. That she makes him feel like a human being because she talks to him and I am always too busy or too tired. He said that nothing is going on but it really bothers me. After our conversation we agreed to try to work things out. I said that he needed to stop talking to her because if he is confiding in her then he is not allowing me in. He got upset again and said that I was trying to control him but said fine. I said that the cursing and screaming would have to stop too. He said that he would try as long as I did what I needed to do because "If I get attitude, I give attitude!" I told him that he should stop just because he loved me and respected me as his wife. But he said "well if you do your part I will do mine" Basically, I will be nice if you are good?

Anyway, things are okay now but I am terrified that something that I say or do will trigger him again. Or that it might get worse. I also am watching him constantly because I fear that he will talk to this other woman again. Am I just being paranoid?

My mother in law hates me!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 05 May 2010 20:55:33 GMT

My husband and I have been married over three years now...I'm almost 40 and he is 45. We have two teens (his from a previous marriage and we get along SUPER) and one 2 year old daughter that we adopted together. My husband is a wonderful, Christian leader, great father, superb husband and the five of us have a truly happy, healthy family! We serve God together, enjoy family time, talk together, travel.

The problem I face is that my mother in law hates me and has not talked to my husband or myself in over two years. She will not acknowldege our adopted daughter at all. She did not want us to adopt and made it very clear that IF we did, she was "out". Those were her words. She is very maniputlative, mean spirited, unhappy and has a low self esteem. She did a lot for my husband after his divorce and I think she is jealous maybe that I am doing the things she used to do.

My husband and I decided before we were married that we would not have children together...we both discussed it as husband and wife and were both in agreement. After a while, the motherly instinct started kicking in and I did not want it to. He and I talked alot and knew that we did not want to reverse his vasectomy but just prayed about it and let God lead us. After about six months, we decided that adopting sounded perfect for us and we prayed for God to let it happen IF he wanted it to.

We told our families. Mine was supportive and his was not. His mom hit the roof and started emailing and sending letters in the mail about how the baby could have fetal alcohol syndrome, the other kids would be hurt by it, it would ruin our marriage. She sent back my husbands mother's day and father's day cards. It was the craziest behavior I have ever seen. She would call my husband and yell and a couple of times she even hung up on him. She called my parents and tried to tell them how awful it was. Finally, she said that if we adopted she was out of our family.

She did not even reaize that right after we told them we wanted to adopt, nothing was happening and six months went by and we decided not to adopt on our own...we felt that God was just not leading us there at that time. We were at peace with that. BUT then we got a phone call and a baby needed us!!! We brought our little girl home three days later! We are so very happy and the other kids just adore their sister!

We tried to go over to my inlaws house at Christmas to apologize (even though we really don't feel we have done anything wrong)...just to try and get the family back together since they (mostly she) won't put for the effort. My mother in law at first didn't want us to even come in the house and said it was infected with sickness. But we stepped in the entry way. I looked at her and said "S_______ I am very sorry, can we please put all this behind us and move on?"...she would not look at me and then crossed her arms and looked at the floor and said "we have been so deceived, so deceived". My husband won't put up with that behavior and said "we are out of here...let's go kids"

We are thankful that we tried to work it out. We talk with my husband's father at church when his mom is not there or not with him...we know it is not him. But he can't go against her. She has done this sort of thing with other family members and if they do something she does not like, she cuts them out and won't speak to them. She is very bitter! I wish we could be a family, we all wish that. But, we cannot make her like me/us. She has so many issues, I don't even know were to start. Just do not know how to let her go and not bother me since they go to our church and I see her pouty face across the building every Sunday. I have done nothing wrong... I love my husband and kids - all of them - and they love me. We are very happy and they are missing out BIG TIME!!!

I guess my question is.... can anyone else relate to inlaws not even speaking to you? What do you do when you apologize and they still act crazy?

Praying for Restoration of Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:00:19 GMT

I ask that you faith believers pray fervently for me and my family. About a month, early June, my husband told me that he loves me but isn't in love with my any more and moved out and filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage and almost 25 year relationship. My children are devastated as well as I am. In about 90 days he can ask for a final hearing on it and it is done. I cannot accept that this is God's will for us. I believe that Satan is trying to destroy our family through this and I am rebuking him and his strongholds over my husband and my children. My husband and my children need salvation. My faith is weak right now as I am going through this and Satan is fighting me with doubt.

I have asked God's forgiveness if I had fault in the downfall of my marriage and am asking God for strength and victory through this, but it seems I can't overcome this oppression from Satan.

My husband just seems angry and bitter and won't even communicate with me any more. He barely communicates with the children and this is very hurtful. I believe this is a snare from Satan that keeps him from softening his heart towards his family.

Please pray that God stops this divorce immediately and turns things around. Only He can. We need God to move quickly and perform a miracle for our family.

In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Flirting Christian Husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:52:18 GMT

I have been married for 21/2 years. I am 24 yrs and my husband is 26 we have one daughter. When we was dating I recognized that he had a flirting problem, I approached him about it and he got upset saying that I am just insecure and I don't trust him. Now my thing is if you are not guilty about this why are you getting upset when I bring it up? My husband is a very friendly guy and he likes to play ie. if one of the girls that he is cool with is sitting on the side of him and she has a bottle in her hand he would snatch it and play with it or make stupid statements toward her i feel to be seen and she would start giggling or blushing. That frustrates me because I am not use to that. Since we have been married there were a few girls that I thought he might have been physically attracted to. He doesnt flirt with all the girls but with the ones i feel is attracted to. Now he doesnt make contact with them and stuff beyond church but at church its like they trigger his playfulness and bizarre actions. We went out recently with a group that we meet with every month and one of the girls that i thought he flirts with was there. I confronted him about her before and he got highly offended. So we are at starbucks, she arrives and the only seat that was available was on the side of him, well you know what happened. We all continued to talk and i just happened to look at him, it was not intentional and i did not have him on a watch because i had let it go and asked God to deal with it because he was not trying to understand where i was coming from in the past. Ok so i looked at him and i caught him staring at her like he was mesmorized by her. The few seconds i looked at him i caught him staring and in additon to that he went playing with her and stuff again...that really offended me. Well I mentioned it to him on our way home and he denied it. I told him, "I am not dumb and I know what I saw I dont know what it is, I know she is a pretty girl and you like her but it seems like when she comes around you either become nervous or she triggers something. I did say it in a calm way and it hurts me because all he feels is that i am insecure and I know i am not. I am not jealous and i dont envy her, she is a nice girl and the sad thing about it is that she is entertaining all of this. We are married and i think there should be some level of respect whether I am around or not. I dont see any other men going around playing up with other girls around the chuch, i feel that is totally disrespectful. What makes it worse is that i am voiceing my concern to him and all he is doing is getting upset. What do i do. I told God I have to release it to him because i am not getting through to him.

Please help me and pray for me and my family.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 18:02:23 GMT

Like so many of you I am in dire need of healing of my marriage. I am typing this through bitter tears that flow almost all of my waking moments. We are both Christian. 24 yrs marriage. Have had seasons of happiness and seasons of unhappiness. My wife has had 2 affairs neither developed to full sexual intimacy. 1st was classic church secretary/pastor. This was many years ago. 2nd was several months ago. It was something I discovered and confronted her with. I was in such pain and mental turmoil that i could barely handle being in my head with my thoughts as I never really forgave her for the first affair and saw myself a such a loser and deserved this but it still hurt terribly. I took a bunch of pills. I was mentally prepared to die but I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't and was hoping the shock of this extreme action would bring her back to me. She said she was sorry and has broken off the relationship. In the few weeks after, she felt very bad about everything and something happened to her where her tender spirit returned to her toward me and we were growing closer and beginning to really communicate in a way that was genuine. I dont' know what happened but she has told me that she tried but the feelings were not real or sincere, I am not sure. All I know is that she later told me the feelings had left.

We have recently lost our house and have had severe financial problems for years and filed for bankruptcy. There has been so much turmoil in our lives in the last 5 years due to loss of jobs, difficulty with employment and my depression and it's effects on my family.
A christian couple offered us sanctuary and we moved in there but I didn't think there was enough room there so I offered to try to go somewhere else. At about this time she tells me it's over with all the classic issues. Lack of love, happiness, any feelings toward me no desire to work due to no feelings and she went to counselling for the first affair and said it was ineffective so she has no faith in counselling anymore. I started to get counselling and the pastor said dont you dare become a doormat and give up on your children, etc. I told my wife how sorry I was and that I still loved her and would be willing to work dilligently on myself and our relationship. I said I need to be here too as I love my children and need their strength. I literally got down on my knees to apologize to my wife, ask her forgiveness and beg for her to consider our marriage worth saving. NO. She left. Now the Christian couple have asked me to leave and I am just seeing everything fall apart around me. They only want to support us if we are rebuilding the marriage. I want to find some place but it is going to be tough due to finances. I do have a steady job though and am trying to support my wife even though many have said to cut her off, I don't feel right and I love her. I am looking though and would appreciate your prayers on finding a place as well. My wife has told others that this divorce will actually be good for me due to me having to grow up which I acknowledge will be true. Can't justify divorce for it though.

I have caused alot of pain to my family due to poor self image and depression. I often seem to take the path of least resistance and did that very often during the marriage. When a normal person would react to frustration from say asking a child or my wife to do something and them saying o.k.- but then maybe when you would come home from work and its not done...well in those instances I would view it as disrespect and act in anger and disrespect to an unhealthy level hurting their spirits which only gave me more evidence what a jerk I was. I don't know why but my wife and I never connected in a way to bring about efforts to pursue healthy change. She said she prayed so much for me to become what she needed and I never changed but I swear to you she never effectively communicated with me about it. I knew she was unhappy but didn't have the insight or softness of heart or motivation or whatever it is that keeps someone in pain rather than stepping out to change. Until this crisis I have always had fear and difficulty trusting God, but now I must have been able to receive his grace because I am more confident in his power and love but the pain is still overwhelming. She also told me since God never changed me when she prayed, why now when she prays and nothing changes for her desire to divorce, maybe god isn't listening or is approving of the divorce?

I have done all the things wrong that you would tell me not to do if I hadn't already tried to do them. Reason, beg, try to treat her as a Christian sister and appeal to her sense of honor to her commitment to God but there is no hope. One of her best and worst assets is her ability to commit to her decisions but now it is being used against the marriage. She said she wants a good marriage, just not with me and the opportunity to work on a marriage with a clean slate is exciting to her and she said she doesn't want to have to bother with the memories of the past when she works on a marriage in the future.

She has said she forgives me and doesn't think I abused her but she has just given up and she has nothing to work with. I am so devestated and worried for her as she acknowledges this probably isn't what God would want but he will forgive and we will all move on after and get better. She literally said she has thought it all through and said that this is the best thing for her even if it is selfish and said she is willing to take the risk of the potential harm to our five children because we did such a good job with them but all the children don't want her to do this even though they still love her and understand.

She literally has found either the support or courage to reject EVERY appeal made to her. She is going to a different church and said she is reading her bible but she said she feels God's love and support to get her through this time and He will be with her after. She said she has had people tell her the same thing as me but it does no good. I worry as I see a heart of stone and she has so compartmentalized this aspect of her life that she is beyond appeal. Also I am pretty sure she doesnt see the need to place herself under any spiritual authority from her new church regarding her decision so I she my precious wife exposed to Satan with nowhere she is forced to go to hear someone she considers an authority in her life give any alternate perspective on her decisions or her accountability to God for this. I tried to talk to her about the potential Satanic influence due to her strenghts in seeing through decisions and she basically laughed or scoffed at me. She has no concern for being exposed to the ememy through this.

She has told me she doesn't want to tell me her thoughts or what she needs because she doesn't want to have any feelings for me come back into her life. She will refuse to do anything that could possibly lead down a road of healing or reconcilliation. I have called many people to keep them filled in including some of her family for prayer support but it sounds like some them might be telling me one thing and her another. They do say they are praying for us though and that is all I really care about. I know my brother and his wife have asked to meet with her (he had an affair and they rebuilt their marriage) but I think she will simply smile and let any encouragement go in one ear and out the other.

All this leads me to think that this has to be her making a judgement of me being a human being that is just not worth any effort and I really have a hard time not believing her. To make matter worse she says she has effectively communicated her mindset to me many times through the marriage and I don't agree but what if she is right and I was too worried, depressed. ect at the moment to hear her. She said she has given me a second chance and then she will say why should I work on the marriage because of your pain when you didn't in the past when she had pain but I try to tell her I am so sorry and can't go back to then but want to do everything I can now and then she will say that she sees no change in me but she wont tell me how I can change to encourage her and I am just barely hanging on to my life and dealing with the pain that I just don't have the strength to be very active toward outer visible self improvement actions. I have tried to be encouraging to her and tell her that I love her and am seeking God will all me heart but I guess those aren't the changes she is looking for.

Thank you so much for trying to get through this, I desperately need your prayers and she does too.I love her and even if I didn't I now have received enough of God's grace to want to honor him and know rebuilding this marriage is what He wants and I want to have him work through me my marriage for his glory. I do desperately love my children though and am willing to do what it would take to keep them form being one of those statistics.

Please help me, please pray. She says she doesnt disrespect me for trying to reacher because she understands I am fighting for our marriage. She just responds with it's too late. She has already contacted a Christian lawyer.

New to this community and looking for encouragement

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 06:54:45 GMT

Hello. I am new to this community and I just finished reading "Love Must Be Tough". My marriage has fallen apart. A quick background. My husband and I met 7 years ago and we had our first child out of wedlock. We separated while I was pregnant and I raised our daughter for 2 years by myself. With God's Grace, my husband came around and we dated again. Eventually we got married. Not soon after that we had our 2nd daughter. We will be married 3 years in April and this past year has been extremely tough on our family. We are victims of the economy just like everyone else and we were forced to move in with my husband's mom. My husband at this time starting distancing himself from church and was blaming God for his job loss. He got work here and there but nothing was steady. He is an electrician. Finally towards the end of the year he got a job with a hospital as an electrician. I found a job too and was planning on moving out of his mom's house. I then discovered that my husband racked up his credit cards going to adult entertainment places. In November I discovered he has been talking to some other woman. He started having an affair and was heavily into porn on the computer. I have asked for help from the men in our church to encourage my husband to stop. Finally on New Year's Eve I told my husband it's me or continue to lead your sinful life. He told me straight to my face he has done nothing wrong and he only married me because he felt sorry for me with our first child. Mind you I was an independent woman raising our daughter just fine without him but we fell back in love. A lady from church recommended the Tough Love book and I took the advice of letting my husband go. Jan 1 my husband moved out and is currently staying with a friend from church but this friend did lay down the law. I know the book says I need to be strong and build my confidence up but part of me worries that my husband will be exactly like his dad. My husband's dad had the same addictions and left my mother in law when my husband was 3 years old and my husband has never talked to his dad since. Now my husband and I have both grown up in the church and we are born again but my husband has back slided.

Tonight our 5 year old asked me if her Daddy was coming home. He has yet to contact the kids. I know I am doing the right thing with tough love, but it hurts to see my kids have to go through this because my husband is being so selfish. He took all our money and has left me with nothing. I want nothing more than for him to see what he is doing but I have to remind myself it's all in God's timing. How do you handle the pain that is associated with this? I hate the knot I have in my stomach. With this situation I am still living with my mother in law and for her this is a nightmare because now she is living though it again with her own son. I ask for prayers for our family and thank you in advance for any further suggestions.

She says it is over but...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:14:16 GMT

I am a 44 year old husband who is not perfect and has messed up before and most recently was emotionally unfaithful online, under an assumed name.

Married 23 years. We have been separated 2 and a half months. She asked me to leave and I did. I told her I did not agree and was only leaving out of respect to her wishes.

45 year old wife says she is finished that she doesn't feel like she can trust me again. She has also been unfaithful years ago.

She even mentioned talking with an attorney and filing together. Our last real talk was about being friends through the process and beyond because we have a six year old son, a 19 year old daughter, and a 22 year old son.

I have stated over and over that I DO NOT want a divorce.

We are both professing Christians. Me just recently giving it all to God. I know I have sinned. I have confessed ALL of my sins to God for the first time...I always held something back.

I asked her to consider attending the "Fireproof" movie together...no response to the email. I ask her to attend joint Christian counseling...no response. I ask her to speak to the pastor with me....no response.

She has completely disconnected and has put up an emotional wall but I am facing surgery and she offered to be there with me and recuperate at home for a few days. Also, she continues to wear her wedding ring and still has our pics on her desk. Needless to say I am confused now after over two months of indifference that she wants to be with me for a surgery and now is showing some concern.

Somedays, I really just wish she would file for divorce so I can get a little closure and put an end to my hope v denial emotions.

However, I love my wife. I love my family. And I love God.

I just want to do the right thing in this situation.

I am confused and just need to write a little to get a little relief.

signed

confused husband

Prayer Against Sexual Sins

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:34:07 GMT

Father God in heaven,In the name of Jesus your dear Son, we ask, knock, and earnestly seek for holiness and righteousness against sexual crookedness, misconduct, and perversion. We pray now in faith for ourselves, our marriages, and our precious children. We come to you boldly to obtain mercy in these critical times of need. In the power of the Holy Ghost we effectually and fervently pray and take active stands against all sexual impurity, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, lesbianism, rapes, molestations, incests, beastiality, and such like. These things are abominations to you and will not go unpunished. In the name of Jesus we bind these evil spirits now, and by faith in God’s word, cut the cords of these sins that seduce the righteous into error. In Jesus name we pull down the strongholds of these things that have reinforced themselves in the hearts, minds, and wills of your people, NOW! Holy Spirit, with the high praises of Jesus in our mouths and a 2-edged sword in our hands, we execute righteous vengeance against the works of the flesh and the works of Satan’s kingdom, NOW, concerning these heathenish activities. You said Lord Jesus that we should discern the times and know what is trying to take place in the powers of the air; therefore we choose as an act of our will to fast and pray regularly against abominations. We will not be deceived into thinking that things will just work themselves out apart from our active obedience. We will not let the world’s perverted definitions of masculinity and femininity cloud our discernment, faith, and obedience. Nor will your remnant be overcome by evil, but rather we choose to overcome evil with our Father’s goodness. We, your remnant, set our wills to obey your word concerning these matters. In the name of the Lord Jesus we bind the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and pride of life in this world, NOW, and we cast out the evil spirits that accentuate the lusts of Satan, NOW. IN the name of Jesus, we bind the spirits of backlash and retaliation and hindrances to righteous warfare and deliverance prayers, NOW! IN the mighty name of Jesus and by faith in his blood, we break the curses of these abominations from off of our lives and the lives of our households and our children, NOW, and we bind and cast out the demons associated with these curses, NOW! Father God your word says that if we ask anything according to your will, we know that we have the petitions of the things that we ask. We know that it is your will that none should perish but that all should come to repentance through faith in Jesus. We know that it is your will that we posses our temples in sanctification and not in lewdness. We know that it is wrong to not protect the weak and feeble, and that your will is for us to be salt and light this world of this wicked generations. We know that judgment starts in your house first. We know that it is your will that we love one another in meekness and lowliness of heart. We know that it is your will that the works of the Devil be destroyed by the continued manifestation of Jesus in our lives. So, based upon these things, we have confidence and unwavering faith in your answers to our prayers this day and this night, In Jesus’ name, Amen. God, we know that our identity is in Christ Jesus our Lord and that in Him there is purity, safety, faithfulness, and monogamy. We decree holiness, godliness, purity, and righteousness in our homes, and in our families. We decree that our children will know the word of God and obey its commands. We decree that they will know and experience for themselves the power of His word to govern their thoughts and emotions day by day. We will not take our families for granted, but will cherish them and be good stewards of our responsibilities. We will not idolize our our families, but will show the love of Christ, and recognize His ultimate lordship over us to do whatever pleases Him and brings honor to His name. Amen

Having intimacy issues (post-rape). Any ideas?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 20:39:44 GMT

Dear friends,

Hi. I am a Christian woman who was raped at 18 by a stranger. Now I am 42. I use to drink a little wine before my husband and I would have intercourse. Now I don't want the wine anymore (feels like a crutch), and I am having trouble with our sexual relationship. Our 15 year anniversary is coming up, and I really want to get better. I keep remembering what happened to me right in the middle of our intercourse. Is there anyone out there who has any suggestions. God has helped me regain a normal life in all areas except this. He was the one who got me to counseling so I wouldn't have panic attacks any more and be able to work. Now I want to give my husband what he needs. Any ideas? Any books anyone knows of? I am really embarrassed to ask about this, but I sense my husband has had enough of my avoidance in this area.

Thanks

Wife's addiction to affair/ultimatum?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 May 2008 11:52:19 GMT

I'll try to be brief; Married 17 years. each 40 yrs. old., 3 kids, ages 9,12,14. Wife's affair with Co-worker (single, never married 54 yrs. old) started in October-Novemeber. He moved away in December. They got together at a conference in late January, I found out Feb. 6. We've been to counseling and I have spoken with our Pastor but she has not. He is going to call her this week. Basically, she has an addiction problem with this man. She knows what is best for her family, but can't imagine never seeing or talking to him again. She has said "good-bye" to him 3-4 times and always gives in to the temptation and calls or emails him again. We've had spurts of good days were things are fine, and she said they were not communicating, but I found out that she has been lying for a month+ and they have been communicating regularly, and he even drove the 3.5 hours to see her 10 days ago. She said they just talked and that she kissed him. I have been a complete mess emotionally, but never abusive in any way. Our marriage was basically blah, I didn't give her the time, attention, or respect and honor that she deserved and Prince charming came along and made her feel good. I've tried to be understanding, loving, and forgiving. I've read a little about the Tough Love concept, and a few days ago, told her that she was free to go. Since then she has seemed a lot better and I have even felt better. I know that I can't control her, and trying only makes things worse. I guess my question is, when or if I should give her an ultimatum. I've told her that says that she is free to leave and that she needs to make a choice. If she leaves, I will take care of the kids, that I will not be the one to leave, and that she can visit them whenever she likes, but that she needs to decide which one of us men she wants to never communicate with again. I know her well enough to know that she will procrastinate on this as long as possible, until forced to make a decision. So do I just tolerate their relationship and hope that it fizzles out on it's own over time so that I can possibly spare my kids the pain, (they do not know anything yet) or do I force her to make a decision? I truly do love her and want to stay married to her for the rest of my life, and when I ask her if she loves me says Yes, very much. When I ask her if she wants to stay married to me she says she doesn't know what she wants.....
Any prayers of course are much appreciated. I know that God will get me through this and that I will survive.
-R

How much do I accept before I separate

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:19:58 GMT

I have been married for 20 years. I have 4 children, one is a freshman in college and one a senior in high school. Two children are still in elementary school. I am 40 years old.

My husband has grown to be suspicious of me, really no reason why other than I have started working outside the house for needed income; he rather have me make money but stay at home where no one is around. He has isolated me from my friends because he complains that I am talking bad about him. The mental is abuse is so hard for me that I actually tried to kill myself 2 weeks ago and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. He is nice to me but only if I give him all control, who I call, what I can talk about, where I can go without him, etc. I have been in christian couples counseling for 8 months, but he does not see what he is doing. The counselor and church pastor understand my situation (they agree that he is abusing me) and can understand if I decide to seperate.

I love my husband. I think about the effect on my children. I don't know if I am strong enough to live without him. I fear to do something against God's will.

I am so hurt inside by his behavior that I don't know what else to do.

Can you help with some Godly advice?

Dating/relationship timeline?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:05:59 GMT

I am searching for a general timeline regarding how Christian dating relationships could/should progress. I know each situation is different and this is not something that will have a definitive answer. I do think that it would be helpful for me to have something to use to help me evaluate and respond to my current relationship. How often and and what point should we try to have specific conversations, increase the time we spend together, begin to talk more seriously about marriage, etc. All those "define the relationship" moments, I guess.

Thank you for any suggestions and guidance.

Can Facebook and the internet hurt marriages and relationships?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 16:12:50 GMT

We all love Facebook and the internet, but anything good can become not so good very quickly. Money, medicine and even media are good things but can become unhealthy when they are abused or overdone. When anything becomes more important than "the most important" things in life, its time to cut back, cut it off or get help. I am the master of allowing good things to become too much or even out of control. I love helping people. I love church work. But, there have been times in my life that these became the master and I became the slave. To say the least, it hurt my family. Don't let anything, anything 'good' become the "evil" in your life.
Read this great article (http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/23/ep.facebook.addict/index.html ) today on CNN about Facebook addiction and how it can hurt your marriage and life if not carefully managed.

Let me know what you think? Can Facebook hurt marriages and relationships?

husband ignoring wife in social situations

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 02:30:05 GMT

My husband is a good man at home. He always helps out at home and is very attentive. Unfortunately, when we go out to social situations (i.e. weddings, parties) I am completely ignored. He flits around like a social butterfly, never introduces me to people that he talks to and talks to others for long periods of time. I either spend my time just sitting by myself or being completely in charge of the children. When we talk about it, he apologizes but says he knows that I don't much care for social situations and he doesn't know how to stop talking to people. I have asked him to spend more time with me but he says he doesn't want to be rude others. It has gotten to where I don't really want to go with him places. We can't seem to come up with any easy solutions. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:27:59 GMT

My husband and I were seperated for about 6 months we have recently got back together. There are a few issues. One is that he had a sexual relationship with several different ppl and I have found that he is still talking to those ppl. I found it by looking on his phone and of course he gets mad at me. He said he is not talking to them anymore but now his text are all deleted. He and I are not close we dont do much together. He is always on the computer or watching movies. We are not sexual. He says he is just not feeling it. Which has never been him. I think we are just merly existing together. I have no way of proving if he is still talking to these ppl. I do not feel like I can trust what he says about not talking to them. I am so confused and do not know what to do.

Infidelity

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:23:58 GMT

Is telling ALWAYS the right thing to do, even if an affair has ended? My marraige is a mess because of it..... but, my spouse doesn't know about the affair.

How do I share time with parents and In-Laws fairly and without angering my own parents?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:18:43 GMT

I am coming up on my 4th anniversary with my husband. We dated for 3 years in college and I am the firstborn of 3 girls and the first to get married. My mother has always been very controlling and on occaision selfish about her time with me throughout my life. My family also was very unwelcoming to my husband as a boyfriend and they expected him to be the outgoing talkative kind of person and he is more reserved but opens up when he feels welcomed. My in laws on the other hand have 2 other married children, 6 grandkids, and they always are together and make time for us when we are down. My parents have always made a big deal about the fact that we don't share time equally with his family as well as them (my parents and his parents live 30 minutes apart). It gets to the point that my mom insists that My husband is manipulating me and not allowing me to spend time with them. Sometimes when we visit we spend it at our own houses apart from each other instead of visiting together. Even when we commit a week to staying at my parents house and filter in some visits to his house my mother still insists that we didn't make time for her.

I don't know what to do, we are getting closer to having children and I am discouraged to have kids because this problem will only become worse ( I will have the 1st grandkid). I also am having a hard time with my own thoughts, thoughts that wish my parents weren't around and I feel the devil has created a real stronghold in my parents attitudes towards us a couple and he is using this to attack my marriage and affect my thoughts towards my parents and even towards my husband.

I Know I am a good daughter, I have a godly husband and he is a clear spiritual leader, and I don't want to dishonor my parents and want to make everyone content/happy with the situation which I have a feeling is impossible but still want to achieve something close.

Help! thanks!

Overwhelmed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 04:01:03 GMT

Life is really overwhelming and I didn't know where else I could talk but here.

Finances have been tight, as a result my wife and I started a home business on top of my full time job. It's not going well. We've made about $100 and it's cost us thus far about $1,100. When we started we prayed, and it really seemed that God was with this, and was providing me a way out of my current job to do this full time, but I'm still stuck at my full time job, losing hours, and we're drowning...

My four year year old's medical bills are piling up. She's got this chronic problem with her brain which is going to take years of therapy to heal, and my insurance only covers very little, and is probably on the brink of running out.

My three year old is more temperamental than he's ever been. He makes me crazy. I love him so much, but his temper is out of control. I'm getting to the point that I can't keep my temper any longer because of his tantrums.

My wife and I are on the ragged end of exhaustion. She doesn't hardly sleep anymore, and working in a glass plant in CA summer is horrificly hot (our 145 degree fire sprinklers keep tripping becasue it's so hot, just to give you and idea)

to top it all off I'm beginning to wonder how I could POSSIBLY be a Christian if I struggle with pornography so much...

I feel like I can't move back and give up on my faith in Christ, I KNOW He's the savior and works for our good, but I can't move forward in it either. I can't stay here because I'm drowning in sin and it's turning from pornography and lust to anger and rage, gossip, rebellion... more and more and more...

I feel like it's "put up or shut up" time, but I can't seem to do either. I feel like I'm shaking apart and failing on all sides... My wife keeps telling me that if money is the only trouble we have then we have no trouble at all. She's amazing. But seriously, how do I keep moving forward? I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm not thinking of walking out on my marriage or anything. But I can't face life knowing it's going to continue to be like this. Does that make any sense? I need prayer and I need hope...

My hope is in Christ, but I can't help but think if Christ was in this how is it failing so badly?

me...

Restoration of intimacy after an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:26:05 GMT

I've reached a real hurdle in my ability to heal after learning of my husband's 3+year affair with his co-worker. We have been married for 25 years. He did not confess the affair, I discovered it through cell phone bills. We are seeing a counselor and reading the Shrivers' Book, Unfaithful, but we are only 2 chapters into it. We are about 8 weeks from the revelation point. He was an elder in the church and a Mens' group leader and small group leader. His heart was very hardened to have been where he was for over 3 years. My hurdle right now is that my husband wants to restore sexual intimacy. I have asked him to be tested for AIDS/STDs. He says he will, but not until his annual check-up which is May or June 2010. It is now November of 2009. He says it doesn't matter anyway, because I've been exposed to him prior to this. I can't even say as I'm 100% sure he's stopped the affair. Most of the time his behavior is predictable and working towards healing, but he's done a few things that haven't been completely honest. Plus he still works with her everyday. My thought is that he broke the marriage vow. Now we are to the point of seeing if we're still attracted to one another and if the marriage will even be able to truly heal. I look at that as dating and courtship. Well, when you're dating and courting someone you don't have sex with them. Sex is to be after the two have committed to being one. My husband feels he is 100% committed to the relationship, but I can't say that I feel that way. At this point, I don't even feel attracted to him. I don't feel like he has the characteristics of a man that I would pursue if I were to break the marriage up. He's being extremely pushy with me. He rubs his hands over my body and tries to kiss passionately. Now he says that I am withholding sex from him and that that will inhibit our ability to heal. I want to see him passionately seeking intimacy with God and with me without the sexual aspect of intimacy, but am I being too frigid? We are planning a shopping trip in less than 2 weeks, and I'm very afraid that he will push me even harder in a hotel room without kids. I have absolutely no desire to even be in a hotel room with him since that is where his affair would sometimes take place. Can anyone offer any advice?

I am being yelled at for "just being a housewife" at home

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:21:13 GMT

Hi,

I am a houswife and we had been planning kids on having kids at some point later. We have a house and 3 pets. I have been married to this guy for only about a year and a half. He hasn't been in a lot of relationships. He is addicted to food and video games I feel, or at least makes me very uncomfortable with what he is doing at home. He's about 44 and eating 3/4 desserts each night and passing out on the couch frequently with the TV or computer on. He also doesn't value my job as a housewife. He works at the mall as a regular sales person. He is coming home and stressing at night to the point where he is going out and buying food and coming home and eating it, without going out with other folks very often any longer. I have asked him for no unhealthy stuff around me. He is always replying that I am only a housewife and I don't have the right to tell him anything, his job is more important, or be taken out to dinner either. He is also not Chrisitan which I think might be leading to some misunderstandings.

My husband is an alcoholic, should I ask him to leave?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:26:01 GMT

My husband is an alcoholic and I can't take it any more. He used to play pool on mondays and sometimes on fridays . then when the pool league ended he eneded up going to the bar almost everyday. sometimes things were so bad he would not come home til 2or 4 am sometimes he would go straight to work and not come home (he would pass out somewhere and just go to work). I love him and don't want to get divorced but I can not do this anymore.

Our kids (10,8,5,2) ask why is daddy not here, why is daddy so wierd or scary. they ask him these questions as well but he doesn't know what they are taking about. I know that he might be won with my pure conduct and quiet spirit. I just need another woman to talk to. Is anyone going through this or gone through this. I am at the point where if I had a place for my kids and I to go then I would run. and I know that is wrong. I feel so overwhelmed but I know that God doesnot give me any more than I can handle. thanks for reading.

Prayer for deliverance

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:32:05 GMT

I am in the need of prayer. 5 months ago I started a relationship w/ a man online. Started out very innocently. Playing games on line and just chatting. Because I was lonely, my husband spent a lot of time away from the house, it progressed into a relationship through texting and chatting. Then we started speaking. From there the relationship became sexual, never physical though, although either way is wrong and sinful. I know that. I considered leaving my husband for him, but in my heart I loved and still love my husband. I saw a side to the other man I didnt like but it was like I was obsessed or addicted or something and just couldnt seem to break it off.

finally my husband discovered the affair. I broke it off, but only temporarily. Finally things really broke loose when the other man phoned my husband, told him all kinds of horrible lies, and told him very soul breaking things. My husband and i worked to recover from him but once again I started talking to the other man. I started praying and seeking God harder than ever and finally got the courage to break it off and keep it that way with the other man. I truly love my husband although my actions didnt seem to show it. I came clean with my husband about everything. Brought all the lies to light. There is only one problem. The man that I was involved with is determined to hurt and destroy me. See in my blindness and confusion, I sent him some very compromising photographs. My husband is aware of everything as I said and he is working through my infidelity. But I need prayer for the other man to realize that he needs to let go and move on. I need God to soften his hard heart and bring him back into his arms.

Please pray for me.

I'm dying here!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 19:49:21 GMT

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

I have been married for over five years. My husband is a good person, but is not a good husband. He doesn't have the right tools to be a good leader, due to family examples being less than ideal. I would not have married him if I did not believe he had the ability to overcome this. The problem is, he continually chooses not to.

He burries himself in his job, and there is nothing left over for me. He doesn't even try to meet my emotional needs. Whenever there is a big problem, he puts himself farther into his work, which just makes things worse! There is no one I can talk to/get help from, because our finances are stretched to the limit as it is, and I just found out his paycheck will be garnished (starting with the next one) because of a credit card he defaulted on.

I am so vulnerable right now, I just don't know what to do. Every area of our relationship is all but dead at this point. The only thing keeping me here is our children, and the fact that I have no money to leave. I feel like the silent screamer in the Van Gogh painting, most of the time. I can't talk to anyone about our issues without making him look bad, and it has gotten to the point that I can't stand to be around any of my friends, because when they talk about happy moments with their husbands/families, it is hard for me not to cry. This hurts so badly!

The worst part of this is, if I had not found out about it on my own, he would not tell me problems that arise--financial or otherwise. I have explained to him several times that this is dishonest and I feel betrayed when he hides things from me, yet he continues to do it. I cannot even speak to him right now because the only words that I have are not going to be helpful. I all but hate him at this point.

Separated and in financial jeopardy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:14:18 GMT

Three weeks ago, after months of me trying single-handedly to create a happy home life so that my husband wouldn't move out, he moved out, anyway. He seemed deeply conflicted about doing so, but then again, disordered thinking is a symptom of his bipolar condition. He was diagnosed bipolar last year, which I believe was mainly due to his depression and anxiety about being laid off.

My biggest concern right now is that his $900 rent is jeopardizing our mortgage payment and I recently discovered that our long distance service had been turned off. He said he didn't have it terminated, so I asked, "Could the phone payment be late?" and he said, "Maybe."

We have a ten-year-old daughter who needs the stability of this house, her neighborhood, and her local school (we can't afford private school and live in the one neighborhood in most of L.A. where the schools are excellent).

My question is: although I want the marriage to continue, should I take some kind of legal action to protect myself and my daughter? I don't need to live any kind of high life and have cut way back on things as it is. Meanwhile, his rent is getting paid and he has a new TV and is planning a trip to another state for his high-school reunion. All during a month when our mortgage is late for the first time in ten years and he had a hard time giving me $50 for gas and groceries this week.

Help! I want to honor the marriage and the covenant and leave the possibility of reconciliation open, but I need to protect my daughter!

How Do I ease my wifes inability to believe Im not tempted by other Women

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 16:56:04 GMT

My problem is in the past I was tempted...by online female friends,,,,since it came to the top and her attention..... I stopped conversing with her..and havent since,,,,,I promised to her/God/our Pastor,,,that this would never happen again,,,but here we are a yr later and nothing like that has happened since...but everytime she goes in to my accounts she gets very suspicious. She gets very sarcastic and refers to all my family (females) as my girlfirends..if she would only take the time to go further and realize they are family she wouls save us a hole lot of grief....Im asking god for patience and understanding and for the most part it works good,,,,TK you LORD.....Any ideas guys

where did my sexual feeling go?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 23:30:25 GMT

Hi, don't really know how to write this but I will try. we have been married for 13 year now. my sexual feelings have vanished for 2 years now. I have been having hot flashes so one reason is menopause. I am 54 going on 55 in October. my husband is 60 and he is very interested in sex still. I just go through the motions and he falls asleep afterwards. It is getting where I hate going to bed sometimes. that is the only time he touches me and then it is a good night kiss. his opening question for me is "what have you got for me?" I have talked to him about this , he says what is there else to do ? I just say forget it. He says my menopause is all in my head.

we don't fight about my not being turned on. I don't have anyone to talk to either. no I don't have a doctor to ask either. I know he will get tired on me one day. please someone help. is there a pill or something ? will this feeling come back? I feel absoultly nothing when he touches me. I do love him. we work together 24/7 and spend all our time together. I have heard there are vitiamins that help bring on some sexual stimulations . but not sure what they are. I don't consider myself as sexy. our lifestyle has changed since we have truned back to God.

I just know one day I will have back some tingleing feelings to enjoy sex again with my husband.

Message was edited by: Moderator

Wife cheated before wedding - Now mad at me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 22:53:15 GMT

I was just recently married. My wife and I live in separate states at the moment (but that is being remedied in the near future). We had attended grade school together and reconnected several years ago. The majority of our relationship has been over the phone or internet, with a visit to see each other at least once a month, if we were lucky. It only took a few weeks for me to realize what a blessing it was to have her and her family in my life, and almost a year after reconnecting, I asked her to be my wife. She said yes!

6 days after the wedding (a few months ago), my wife admitted to cheating on me with a married coworker. It took place about a month prior to our engagement. The other wife had found out, and I was starting to sense that something was not right, so she came clean. She told me the entire story, and that it had taken place at her house. I have never felt the amount of pain or anger I felt at that moment, and seriously considered immediate divorce because I felt completely lied to and even tricked, but decided to keep the marriage because I made a promise to God, and also because this took place before the actual marriage, so it wasn't really "an affair".

I have known about the cheating now for a little over 3 months, and while I do my best to appear like all is well, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it, or picture it in my head. Not a night goes by that I don't have nightmares. We have met with a counselor together on multiple occassions, and I am seeking one in my area to talk to one-on-one. I have forgiven her, but it's the "forget" part that I'm not able to accomplish.

What stinks now is that while she has had months to talk to God about this and move on, it is still very new and very deep to me. Yes I pray to help me move on, but it isn't coming easy. She recently had an issue with her vehicle, and wanted to have a guy friend of hers come by her house to work on the truck. I requested that she meet him somewhere to have it worked on, and not at the house. She got angry with me and said I wasn't treating her like an adult, and asked me how long it was going to be before I trusted her. I said I wanted to trust her now, but it is difficult, and the book I'm reading (His Needs Her Needs) says it could be a while before I'm back to normal. She didn't like that answer and hung up.

I'm scared that my inability to just move on so quickly is about to tear this marriage apart. And we just got started.

Financial decisions- jobs & children

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:48:09 GMT

Hi,

I'm new to this discussion board so I hope I'm posting in the correction section. (:

Facts:

My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 2 1/2 years.

We both want children.

I'm working full time.

He is not working full time.

My husband lost his job earlier this year, shortly after we decided that come June we could start trying to get pregnant. So when he lost his job those plans changed. It's been since March and he still has been unable to find a full time job. The Lord has been so good and provided him with at least 30 hours a week with a decent wage from the end sept until a week or so from now with an online teaching job. However, as the hours are set to the college semester, those will be going down to 15 then to none over Christmas break. He has another part time job but only gets 8-10 hrs a week at minmum wage.

Problem #1 he is sooo discouraged. He has had maybe three job interviews this whole time and this last one, he was hired (although he had to wait for a start date), but then the company laid off a week later. There is still hope that they could need him in January or February, but who knows at this point. I trust that God will take care of us, although admittedly, this has been frustrating and I find myself asking God, "why?" I am at a loss as to what to do to help my husband. I do pray for him and I encourage him, but nothing seems to help.

Problem #2 We both want kids, but.... money, money, money. Oh... there isn't enough? My husband's idea is to wait until he has a "stable" job (is there such a thing?) I feel like God has been giving us "signs" to move towards that route, but it could be wishful thinking. I'm 26 and I have some health problems that scare me into thinking it may take quite some time to get pregnant. On top of that, I am 26... not saying that there isn't much time left or anything, but my parents and his parents are in their early 50's & 60's respectively. I have a strong desire for my children to know their grandparents (I recently lost my last two grandparents this year, so I'm a bit emotional about that right now.)

My husband has talked to our parents who shared a wonderful story about him and his wife in a similar circumstance and the day after his wife gave birth he got a job. I know that children are a blessing from God and I have no doubt that God will take care of us, but is it the right decision to make? I know it's up to the couple and God ultimately. But I'm struggling so much with a breaking heart every time I hear from another friend who is pregnant. To be honest, I'm not jealous it just breaks my heart that I can't even consider it. I know we'd be good parents (with GOD's HELP of course!!), but with everything stacked up against us (or so it seems) I feel like it is a dying dream.

Bottom line is that a) I don't know how to continue helping my husband b) know how to deal with my feelings about desiring to start a family, and c) advice on what the Bible says about having children even if you're not financially stable.

THANK YOU!

-Amanda

Deadline given

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 29 May 2008 12:10:16 GMT

My wife and I have been having problems. The trigger points stem from my inability to control my anger and frustrations when dealing with her and the kids. She has told me she is "DONE". Until talking to friends recently and making it public I hadn't realized how depressed I was, how much trouble I still am having in the way I talk to my wife and kids. She and I are still in the house together and I have gotten back into my prayer life with God, stupid the things it takes to make us turn back to Him. We are able to hold conversations about day to day things and even joke about things, but the biggest problem is she says that she has no feelings for me and is not happy. She says she sees people with perfect marriages out there and wants one of those. She has said that she is going to give it time to see if she can get some feelings for me back but that I must give her space. I struggle with the giving her space and at the same time being her husband, friend and the kids father.This morning she told me that we have until the end of the summer for her to start feeling things for me again!!Please pray for God to protect both of us, to guide both of us in his will, to help us to hear His voice over those of the non-godly/secular world, to bless and heal our marriage, to protect our children, to heal both of us, to soften her heart towards me and for peace for all of us.She is a Christian, but the only person she is confiding in at this time is a former co-worker who is not a Christian.

newly found porn issues in my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 14:40:47 GMT

so to start the new year off with a bang, i discovered that my husband is into porn, from what i can tell, pretty bad. i spent the night in a hotel last night, trying to figure our what to do and where to go from here. there isn't much out there to help that i've found so far. from the history on my computer i see that this started in november 2009, though he has access to many different computers, so i'm unsure if it started before then. i have yet to speak with him, as i needed time alone. so now heading home today i have a long letter written and many questions. anyone with any advice or encouragement would be very welcome. my husband and i have not always had a great relationship, we've been days away from a divorce due to seperation and an affair on my part while we were seperated. sex is not often, wondering if it's due to the porn now... i am 17 yrs. younger than my 42 yr. old husband and my sex drive was always to much for him, so i sought God out and asked that He take away my sex drive as it was taking it's toll on my marriage and making me have thoughts of other men. God is amazing and He granted my request, my husband even knew of this prayer, now I feel betrayed because I asked God to take something away from me that my husband stated was an issue as he didn't desire sex. now i see the other side of it. forgiveness is not the question, it's where to go from here and what to do. how do i move past this?

Sex How does a guy wait till marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 May 2010 03:39:05 GMT

I am writing in on behalf of my fiancee, he is really struggling with holding off from having sex until we get married in november this year.First of all a little history about us. We have been together for around 15 months and are both in our mid 20's,I have been a christian most of my life except during my teenage years when i got off track my fiancee has been a christian around 6 months. He has really turned his life around, in his previous realationship he had sex outside of marriage and also used a lot of porn, visited topless places and basically looked and thought about other women. During our relationship we have also engaged in sex before marriage because he couldnt go without it but for the past few months i have said that i cant keep doing it as it is wreaking our relationship with God and with each other(he agrees with me) and am worried about the effect on our life after we are married. He has been reading the book Every Mans Battle and has been keeping his minds pure in every other way eg, not looking at other women, turning the channel if something comes on that will cause him to stumble he is just really struggling with this and i dont know how to help him. It has been a little over a month since we last had sex and he has said that he doesnt know if he can keep going I am really hoping someone might have some advice that may make it easier for him and advice on what i can do to support him.

Ready to move on after divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:20:34 GMT

I have been divorced for over 10 years--I have met someone very special--he is in the process of divorce/child custody issues. We have been friends for quite some time-enjoy each other's company--and are feeling we would like to move forward together. Both of us feel very disillusioned about marriage--we both wanted our first marriages to last--we thought they would. Is a commitment to each other before God without the marriage license enough?? A piece of paper saying you are married/committed to each other does not seem to mean much these days...We are both believers-we both do not want to sin against God--we both want to do the right thing--We've prayed, talked to my pastor, studied the Bible--searched for info on this subject---Can anyone out there help us???

Thanks if you can--we'd love to hear from you

Opposite roles...anyone else?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 18:52:36 GMT

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site but I've already gotten a lot of good advice and tips for a happy relationship...so thanks!

Reading the Love/Respect article made me realize this...

My fiancee and I have been engaged for about 10 months and we're getting married in October. We've always gotten along great and have very few arguments, but our relationship roles are basically opposite of most of the men/women articles mentioned on this and every other site/magazine/book, etc. I am usually the more emotional, sensitive person...she shows little emotion and rarely gets angry with me (scary almost). She's more logical in her thinking and I'm more of a feelings kind of guy. I think we compliment each other just as if the roles were "normal".

Just wonder if WE are normal...anyone else?

Love Dare long distance

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:47:54 GMT

Hero’s

I appreciate the bravery of all the military serving in the US Armed forces, both stateside and overseas. I especially honor those serving in either of the war zones our great country has chosen to place them. I consider each and every one of them heroes.

I also admire and appreciate the sacrifices of the loved ones left behind, the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters. And especially the spouses and children of these fine heroes.

I can’t even begin to know what they endure in a war zone.

But it saddens me to find out that when one hero came home and announced to his spouse the need for a divorce, I was broken up.

I know for a fact that the spouse was faithful, because she and my 2-year old grand-daughter were living with us the whole time of his deployment. And there was no evidence of infidelity. She was and is actively involved in church ministry.

So I asked her what happened. She said she had no idea of any problems. It wasn’t until the day he returned from Iraq that he made the announcement. She was devastated and so was I.

She still loves him very much and since his return she has been trying to reconcile this problem, but it seems one sided. He’s told her he is not happy and wants a divorce.

She found out that there is another woman, but she still loves him. She asked me what she should do and I told her, “Tell the other women you’re still in love with him and you’re not done”.

I’ve been praying for both of them. But this may need to be a long distance reconciliation. My daughter and baby flew to the mainland to meet up with him at his base and then they were to come back together. They have been staying with his relatives, but they have plane tickets to come home in a few days. They were all supposed to be coming home, he has family here. He is not coming. He has told her not to stay.

I have recently watched the “Fireproof” video. It’s funny how the Lord works. The day after watching it, my daughter calls me crying with the news.

I guided her to the Love Dare site and have been praying for them and texting her a lot. (How do they text so fast).

This book is new to me, but I am hoping someone can share how this Love Dare might work at a distance?

Husband always "defends" stepson - very long...sorry

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 20:07:51 GMT

i have been married for 2 1/2 years, he has a 8 y/o son, i have a 7 y/o son and we have together a 11 month old dghtr. The first year of marriage was good, we we actually married for about 1 year before we had a "real" fight. My stepson was kind and for the most part respectful to me, and got along well with my son. We had a good time together as a family. Then, after about 1 year of marriage my stepson began lying alot, talking back and sassing me me alot, showing disrespect to me, among other things. He began regularly saying that his mama lets him do this or that....i would explain that we do not have the same rules as mother and in our home he is expected to follow the rules of our home. I am not saying my kid is an angel because believe me he is not, and i dont treat him like he is. But, I discipline my child if he doesnt follow our house rules, he knows and understands that there are consequences to his actions. He has always had discipline and has been taught to respect others, etc. However, my stepson hasnt always been taught these things. He has always tolerated discipline (no spanking) from me until that point. I dont know what changed and when trying to speak with him to find out the problem he cries and says that "i dont know". you could ask this child what color the sky is and he cries and says i dont know. So, i made a new rule in our home - "i dont know" is not an answer. For example, if you throw your dirty clothes under your bed, you know why you did it. tell the truth you were being lazy because you didnt want to walk to the hamper. i am big on being responsible for your own actions with our kids because how long is mama and daddy gonna be there to "fix" things for you??? He has begun to blame everything on my son. recently, pictures got knocked off the wall and when i asked what happened stepson said he did it, my son said they both were "wrestling" around, Later that night stepson and husband were alone and he told his dad that he didnt do it that my son knocked the pictures down and that he was sitting across the room. my husband said he was gonna speak to my son about this, we did and his story didnt change. so we spoke to stepson and asked him why his story changed when it was just him & dad. he began crying and wouldnt talk. i asked him why he lied to begin with. he said he didnt feel like answering questions about it and just wanted it to be over with.

anyway, my main thing is my husband constantly defends his son, even when he is wrong or caught doing something wrong, i have tries to speak with my husband about this and it always ends in a fight because he gets mad because i am talking about his son. we have talked about discipline and agree and then when stepson breaks rules he wont follow through. i have printed every article out on here about stepfamilies and marriage. i have expressed my views of family, even if its a stepfamily. that god is first, spouse second and children third. i have told him how i feel that we are my family (me & my son) - his family (he & his son) - and our family (me him and our dghtr). and i didnt knot marry him to feel divided. at first he admitted that he did "favor" his son and put his needs before mine and tried to "protect" him. after serious arguements and my thinking about seperation or worse because i couldnt seem to get through to him, things had gotten better a bit. however, i simply asked the boys the other day, who left the phone off of the charger. i knew it was his son because he had called his mother earlier. but i didnt want to "blame" him. so, i asked my son and stepson. stepson said that my son used it last. i reminded him that he had called his mother, was he sure. he said yes. my son is crying because he knew he hadnt and my husband stood there and said that my son did it, he used it after nic did. he didnt because my son called his father who wasnt home so then stepson wanted to call his mother. so, i got so upset because my husband was defending his son even when he was lying. i just walked away and later when were kids were out of room i simply said in a nonargumentative way "why do you always do that with nic" he yelled at me "what are you talking about". i again walked away and he followed me out of the room and said im sorry, i know what you were talking about, lets talk about it. i didnt want to at the point, i was very upset. when upset i need space and he knows this. so, he got in my face and wouldnt let me leave the room, which made me even more mad because of previous abusive relationship. i almost hit him and i cant believe i almost did that. i finally pushed him and left the room. he is not a abusive person in any way and i know he would never, ever hurt me he just wanted me to talk to him because he said he knew he was wrong. i explained to him that "backing me in a corner" is not the way to get me to talk and i explained to him why and what i almost did. i swore after last relationship that NOBODY would ever hurt me again and i am not scared of any man. Anyway, after alot of venting...how do i get my husband to not "build his son up" and put him before me. or even his dghtr or my son. i need advice bad because i havent spoken to him in 2 days since this happened and i can not live like this.

Trust

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 02:14:50 GMT

My wife and I have been married for over 4 years now. We have gone through two separations, one last year during the summer and now this past December. We're presently separated. Last year she had an emotional affair with an old friend which was supposedly cut off. This online/phone relationship was supposedly cut off September 2008, which she then moved back in October 2008. I began to trust her more and more, but this past december I found an email from December 2008, 2 months after the relationship was supposedly cut off. This argument led to her leaving, she was so defensive and just barged out, left her wedding ring and that was it...the topic after that was divorce. Mid January of 2010 we began talking again and wanting to make things work. Little by little I found out of things she had hid from me, plain out lies. I found out that she had a credit card in secret for years which had over 4 thousand dollars charged to it. She also had a bank account hidden since we got married. Over the period of our marriage I had also found another bank account of hers, which she then closed at the time. Then, just as the love and emotional connection began to ignite, and healing began within the last month and half, she lied to me again. I went to her job to do a nice surprise gesture (a gift) but she wasn't there. I called her job and they said she called in. I called her and she kept me going like she was at work, until I told her I had been there and knew she wasn't there. She had stayed at her parents house (which is where she's been since she left our home). She had stayed home because things at her job were to stressful, but decided to lie to me about it. She has also hidden things in the home like cookies and goodies in the closet for me not to find. She seems to hide serious things, as well as petty things from me. I told her this last time how much this affected me and how much she pushed me away by these actions. She mentioned she needed to respect me and begin to be truthful, but I have never seen her genuinely broken.

We have been to one counseling session and have another scheduled for this next coming week. But, with a person that has this pattern, how should I approach her? I feel like I want to believe her, but then I get so upset at times and just emotionally drained by the constant thoughts of what she might do or what she tells me (is it true or not) that I just want to abandon the marriage, although I can't find a biblical basis for this. I'm scared that if we move back in together, something more serious will erupt and end up boiling over unto a final divorce. Trust is a BIG issue for me and I find it hard to be loving with her when his gets in he way.

She is a Christian, although I find myself asking how a person who has the Spirit could continually lie like this.

Help, please.

I can't seem to get his attention

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 19:11:43 GMT

I have visited this forum many times, but never had the nerve to post anything. My husband of 8 yrs (no kids yet, and probably a good thing) told me he wasn't coming home tonight. He is ignoring my calls, and my heart is broken. Our time together has been extremely difficult, with more downs than ups. We are both Christians, and both love the Lord very much! When I met him, I knew immediately he was the one God intended for me, and he felt the same way. Regrettfully, we did make love a little over a month before our wedding day (I was a virgin - and even saved my first kiss for him, my sweet soulmate), and I'm not sure, but this is where he lost respect for me? Although a Christian, he was promiscuous before we met, not knowing for sure how many partners he had (his answer to me was between 12-15), which was very hard for me, but after MUCH prayer, I was truly able to forgive and move on. Early in our relationship he asked me to get breast implants, as he thought it would add more "proportion" to my body. In the moment, I agreed and said I would consider it, but deep down my heart was crushed. Ever since then, I have felt destroyed and since just days after our wedding day, he has had very little interest in making love with me. I am thin, fairly attractive, and have ALWAYS been interested in being intimate with him. I truthfully adore him just want to be with him! I have initiated almost all the time, usually a couple of times per week (so I don't think I'm being too demanding??), but he almost always says no. He traveled a lot for his job (about a week per month) for the first few years, and even after being gone a few days, he would still say no even if I was standing in front of him in lingerie? This hurt so much. I truly did turn to the Lord, journaling my frustrations to Him, and I never failed to communicate with my husband how I was feeling. He just said he was too tired, he had a headache, he ate too much etc. It became so painful and I felt so rejected that I actually began praying for God to take away my sexual feelings for him completely, so I wouldn't have to feel hurt anymore. Without getting too personal, I even asked him if I could wear some new and fun things for him, (clothes, shoes, hats. etc.) and after hearing his ideas, I went out and bought them all and am so open to putting them on at anytime! It didn't work. He wants my nails to be painted in a certain way, and if they aren't he makes a comment about it. He told me on our 6th(?) wedding anniversary that he had been using "m" every couple of days our entire marriage!!! Always after I'd gone to work, I was completely crushed. I just don't understand it. He says the problem is "solved" now, but he still doesn't want me!! He told me last December that he wanted to separate, and I have been in a terrible depression ever since (still able to work just fine, but I do nothing else). He is too busy to spend much time with me...I have tried cooking dinner/lunch, whatever works with his schedule so many times, but he is usually not there when he says he will be, or he actually says "I don't have time to eat it". He says I am being selfish, so I have tried to examine my needs/wants over and over to see what I can change. Besides my full-time job (which pays all of our living expenses - he is self-employed and does not contribute to "our" personal account unless I run short), I don't have any other hobbies...I have always whole-heartedly supported him and have learned to truly love his interests! I am changing this though, because it's becoming too exhausting, and it feels like a waste of my time.

I am broken and need prayer. To top it all off, my hubby contracted the HPV virus before we were married, and it turned up on my pap-smear a couple of years ago as pre-cancer. Thankfully, God HEALED the pre-cancer, but the virus is still present in my body. He told me he does not want children with me (which I guess would be ok because I love being an auntie), but this really stings. We moved into our current home about a year ago, and within days my company got "bought out" and I was between jobs for about 2 months. It was very hard, but my hubby said that "if I wanted this house, I'd better pay for it". I don't understand!!!!!!!!!! I quickly got another job. He is 36, and I am 29. I am ready to "settle" a little, and just have an evening meal together after work. I have hestitated to talk to his family about it, as they are wonderful, but I respect them and don't want to dis-respect their son/brother by saying bad things about him. This post is getting to long...can anyone else relate? Please give me any advice. I am considering getting an apartment because he probably wouldn't even notice.

Please pray for my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:22:37 GMT

My wife and have have 2 wonderful children. We've been married for 14 years and have grown apart. One of the main problems was my anger. When my feelings were hurt, I would withdraw from my relationship and become cold and distant for a week at a time. There were other issues too, of course. My wife is filing for a separation and probably a divorce. For the past 3 months, I've turned my life around. I learned to control my anger and avoid conflicts. I've learned to accept things that are out of my control (mostly anyway). I've come back to Christ, which has made a huge difference in my life. I believe that we should reconcile and raise the children together as a new loving couple. My wife feels that it is too late.I hope that you will pray for a second change for my family.

To be closer

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 04:06:03 GMT

I've been married for only a short 4 months and couldn't figure out why in the world my husband and I were not as active in the Biblical sense as I would like until I looked at the history on his computer and found porn. I just lost it then. In my previous marriage, we divorced b/c I found out that he was in 1 extra-marital affair after another, even after we had gone to counseling. He made me feel little and of no consequense and pretty much worthless. My husband and I were married a little over a year after my old marriage was over. I understand I'm dealing with some raw issues left over from my 1st marriage but when I told him how upset I was with the whole situation, he told me that he does it a lot less than he used to. I told him that I don't want him doing it anymore since I'm the only one I want him looking at. He said he understands but he gets 'lonely'. Told him that I get 'lonely', too but don't do that. I was just really hurt about that and now that he's back in school, and I worry that it'll happen again. Well, my question is how do I grow our connection over a long distance? with each of us dealing our own issues and our 'together' times? I worry sometimes that I should be happy with the great man that I have but I need interactions with him. I mean, I married him for a reason. This is the man that I plan on being with til the end of time and love with all my heart. I'm reading the book by the Farells, "Red-Hot Monogamy" and have printed the stuff off for both of us to look at in order to mark what we each and to give it to each other but besides that, I have no idea what to do. When we are finally together, when i want to do a date night, I'm the one who figures out exactly what we're doing. He never gives any ideas what he wants to do and so when we do something that I want and he's not such a big fan, I feel like I'd rather be at home and in my room.

husband with post-traumatic stress

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:34:03 GMT

I've been married for 21 years. My husband has severe post-traumatic stress due to what he's been through in the military. He went for counseling at a VA hospital but would never talk to the counselor because the counselor was never in the military and had no idea what being a soldier through wars was like. He stopped going. Anyone out there in the military world that goes through this?? Because of his PTSD, he is emotionally and verbally abusive. Sometimes (most times) I just want out of this marriage but I know that is against what God believes. Anyone understand??

He finally left

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 17:00:20 GMT

Sorry this is a bit long...

Tonight my husband finally left, 7 months after telling me he was having an emotional affair with a much younger person, (told me 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child). We are both in our thirties. Since June he has had me totally convinced that although he intended to get back with her in a couple of years, he was no longer in contact with her. However, last night his brother caught him red-handed, talking to her parked in our car, when he said he was somewhere else. He came home and it all came out- he has been in contact with her by cellphone the whole time, and when I was in hospital for a week following the birth of our baby, he started seeing her again in person. Tonight he left, after telling our older three kids that he wanted to spend time with someone else rather than mommy. He is staying with friends and is also looking for a new job.

Obviously I am devastated that it has come to this... but I feel as though God has been preparing me. The last week I have not been so upset (maybe the postpartum hormones are wearing off a little!) and also, I have been reading a Chapter of James each night. I kept coming back to Ch. 1 v. 19, 20 which say 'be slow to speak, slow to anger... man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God requires.' I thought these verses related to my brother-in-law and father-in-law who keep trying to get DH to change by being angry at him, but he is not interested. Last night I realised the verses were for me! When my sister-in-law called to tell me what my brother-in-law had discovered, I was in a rage, and cold and shaking for a half hour. I knew I had to calm down before DH got home, and when I prayed about it, I remembered those verses! I was able to be calm and tell him that I was angry about his lies, but in a rational way. I asked him to leave but said I still want to be his wife. Now I need to know what to do next. I so want our marriage to be healed. I am beginning to learn how to wait on the Lord, but I am also coping with a 4 week old baby and 3 other children. Any advice or prayers would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance,

Still hopeful.

Need help to establish Friendship with Future Step-Mom

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:04:19 GMT

I am really in need of some Clear direction. My ex and I have always had a really great friendship for the sake of coparenting our only child. I have always hoped for a friendship with whomever my ex ends up, and vice versa. He has had 2 women come into his life and neither one have been even remotely open to establishing comraderie, let alone a friendship. The first one led to divorce very quickly when my daughter was put into counseling just to be in their same household. It went down a terrible road and a custody battle that gave him the very standard schedule of every other weekend and Wednesdays. Long Story and completely separate from the second!

On a schedule note before I go further, I have never upheld the standard visitation with him because we are both so flexible and coparent so well together, he has our daughter pretty much every weekend. We have always had a very open door policy.

Also, I have been in a relationship with the same guy for 5 years. I let him know early on the importance of my friendship with my ex and that I would not allow him or any insecurities to damage that. In effect, placing priority on the friendship with my ex is placing priority on my daughter. In respect, they have a great friendship and we have all always been able to get along. This has been so wonderful for my daughter to see. And I just hope it can continue. See below.

Now the second one, with whom he is living and I expect him to marry very soon, will not even go to the same establishment if I am going to be there. I have been nothing but supportive of their relationship and continually extend friendship, but she wants nothing to do with it. I finally met her VERY briefly a few months ago and I liked her A LOT! I hugged her and welcomed her to the family and spoke so positively to her. I thought things would progress from there but they stayed exactly the same.

It is so important to my daughter and myself that we can all get along. It is always important to my ex as well......until he meets a new girl. For the past year, he continues to ask me to give it time and he knows everything will be "cool" and we will all be friends. Well, she is not coming around, so he is now telling me I am being controlling and manipulative to want to know her. We have been divorced for 8 years now and never have any problems.....until these 2 relationships. I am trying to step back and see this from all perspectives, and I understand the bottom line is insecurity, but the one it affects is the child when mommy and daddy lose the ability to co-parent because daddy has once again met somebody new.

I understood early on she was very insecure, but now they are living together and on the verge of marriage! Our arrangement in schedule of every weekend is based upon our coparenting and flexibility and it makes it very difficult now when we have lost that coparenting ability because of her insecurity. I want what is best for my daughter and I am terrified we are going down the same road as before.

Thoughts, tips, suggestions, ideas????????

Thanks!

Men/women who keep ex's as friends...having trouble accepting this concept!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:22:38 GMT

Hello,

I am with a guy for almost two years. He is a very good man who treats me and my son (from a previous relationship) very well. He and my son have a very close bond. He is a born again Christian, hardworking and family-oriented to name a few of his many traits. We are planning to get married but it is not official because I am not engaged. Anywho, my BF has female friends that stem from past relationships that he had with them. Normally, a guy having female friends would not bother me but I guess having platonic female friends vs. ex-girlfriends as female friends are completely different because I have come to find out that some of them have no respect for our relationship. Although they are not physically doing anything, they have emotionally crossed the line through facebook messages that I have read

Some of the conversations consist of the following (all of these messages were read last year):

My BF and one woman dated back in highschool and for some reason they felt the need to discuss the time that she performed an inappropriate act on him (mind you this woman is married with children). Another woman needed some kind of closure or affirmation so she decides to ask my BF if he ever felt anything for her back in high school and if he considered her an imporant part of his life (this woman is also married with children). Mind you, all of these people are in their 30s and are still hung up on the "good times" in highschool. Another woman wanted to know if my BF still liked her (she is in a relationship). This is to give you a feel of the torment that I have been feeling inside. We have discussed these issues generally (he does not know that I know about these conversations) and we are on the same page in regards to what is acceptable and what is not in a realtionship which is why I don't understand why he even entertained these conversations. I told him that satan has a way of using people and things to get in between people who try to live for God. I find when it comes to women he is naive. Part of me thinks he doesn't even realize that what he is doing is wrong - or better yet if he was to put himself in my shoes how would he feel.

There is one woman in particular who was an ex from high school as well and a few years ago, they were supposed to meet up as a "mini-reunion" but it never happened. He still keeps in touch but not so much anymore. This girl brings out a lot of anger in me. There was one msn conversation that they had last December where she asked him if he wanted to be with her because he asked her to "tell him about herself". He told me the conversation and he sees her as a trouble maker which is initally what I told him prior to him telling me about this. But yet, he still feels the need to have her at arms length.

My BF has told me numerous times that all of his friendships with his female friends has changed once he started dating me. He is not as close to them as he used to be and does not hang out with them like he used to...yet I still have that gnawing feeling. Based on what I read on facebook, I just can't seem to let it go. Sometimes I think I have and then something triggers me and those feelings of hurt and pain come back again. I feel like he emotionally cheated on me and that is why I am so hurt. It is hard because I have spoken to him about certain issues and we are in agreement on everything but yet, he still crossed the line and maybe didn't know it because he thought the conversations were "innocent" (isn't that how it always starts). I pray and continue praying because I am very angry inside.

I love this man and believe this is who God sent for me. How do I get past this? I don't keep my ex's as friends and as a result we do not have any disputes related to me doing or saying anything inappropriate. I am not one to tell someone who to be friends with but at times I get that trigger and I believe satan is using it as an attack on our realtionship. Sometimes the feeling and anxiety is so strong that I feel like breaking up with him but then I remember to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding but in all they ways acknowledge him and He will make my paths straight". I then get a sense of peace and calmness and the urge leaves me.

I am aware that I do have trust issues (in addition to my anger issues that are deep rooted - didnt start with my BF) because mentally I can make things bigger than they need to be or really are. As mentioned before he is a good man which is what makes him attractive because he is a beautiful person on the inside and it exhudes out.

Sorry for such a long message but I am glad to get this off my chest. I have been fighting with this issue since last November. Please pray for me as I continue to pray for you all and your circumstances.

I look forward to hearing your advice,

luv2luvujc

I want it to work. She wants to party, have affair and divorce.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 05:09:12 GMT

3 weeks ago my wife told me that she thinks she wants a divorce.

We are currently relocating, and she was staying where we had been to finish out her job. I left with the kids to see employment and housing. During our kids spring break she brought up the issue. Was angry that I was pouting at our friends for dinner.

Since then I have found out she has been having an affair that started on Facebook with an old boyfriend from college that "just went through a nasty divorce and is helping me out". She use our money to buy airplane tickets to see this guy. Got a new cell phone so I don't know where she is. At easter the weather was bad and she chose not to see the kids even though I volunteered to drive down to meet her. She has told me so many lies over the past 2 months I don't know what to believe anymore.

She has flat came out and said we are going to get a divorce, but has told me she doesn't love me anymore. She also mentioned she didn't feel anything sexually for me any longer. She is lying to everyone we know including her parents, and omitting the affair. She has said she doesn't want counselling.

I have a lot responsibility prior to this with alcohol, and pornography. We also lost a business and had to move from our home town.

I want this to work out and for reconcilliation to take place. However her heart is so hard right now, and she is in a situation where she doesn't perceive any consequences for her current actions. They will have to stop when she returns after school is over.

We have two kids that are 7 and 8. Our marriage I always thought was great, we functioned verywell together. I found myself more in love with her this last year than everbefore. We have been married 11 years.

We were really headed in the right direction church, tithing, I gave up porn and alcohol. Then I lost my job moved, and her urging. Now I have this.

I am praying that god will convict her heart and open it to reconcilliation. I am praying for strength. Currently I have both kids living with my mother seeking employment. I so want to work this out, I know that the affair has her mind very clouded, and that she may come back at some point, I just don't know if she will be willing to go to counseling to work through the issues that got us to this point.

Advice from the unfaithful spouse's perspective, please?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:09:11 GMT

Hi, you can read about my situation in my post 'He finally left', but to cut a long story short, my husband had an affair over the last 7 or 8 months and I thought he had had no contact with her since June, until I found out he had been lying last week and asked him to move out. My husband has now stopped seeing the girl, but says he does not feel comfortable moving back in with me and the kids, and says that although he feels he has made the right decision about stopping the other relationship, he doesn't know if he wants to work on things with me, even though he has said through all this that we had a good marriage and he saw nothing wrong with it. He says he is consumed by pain and hurt at having to stop seeing her and will not 'agree to try' with me, as suggested by Gary and mona Shriver. My question is, is it normal for a man who has just ended an affair to take a certain amount of time to get over 'losing' the affair partner, even though he had started to feel that what he was doing was wrong, and to not be able to think about reconciliation at first? I know it is early days and I want to be patient and trust in the Lord's timing, but it is upsetting nonetheless.

Thank you,

stillhopeful.

My husband doesn't want to have sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:40:19 GMT

I feel like I'm crazy. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. To him it is like an obligation, and every two weeks or so, he functionally needs to have sex and then we do. We married three years ago, and though we made a few sexual mistakes through out courtship, we worked hard to correct them. I was so excited to be able to explore the correct sexual relationship God intended for married couples, but this could not be farther from what has happened. Instead, I feel like I am the one who wants it- and I'm not talking like a crazy amount- but like maybe 2 times a week. It's come to a point where we've talked about it, and he says whenever I even mention that I want to have sex, my mentioning it is his litteral 'turn-off' switch. So, I am stuck and can never have sex when I would like to! I've tried different things, and everything doesn't spark his interest! He even views taking a shower with me as annoying!

I have really really been suffering, as I do want to have sex and feel so bad about having sexual desires- I've basically felt like I'm wrong for having these feelings and it really hurts my self-esteem. If I can be honest, I've resorted to masturbating, and feel so dirty saying and admitting it. I feel like we do sex all wrong, and that doesn't help. We've/I've read so many christian books but he's so stuck on thinking we'll just know how to do thing 'naturally.' And whenever we have sex I end up feeling like I'm not present especially because I feel like he doesn't even pay attention that I exist- so even when we do have sex, it almost never satisfies me. He doesn't ever touch me tenderly/sexually, I feel absolutely in no way desireable. Sometimes I just go on these rants about 'what the heck is wrong with me?' and keep asking myself why I'm not pretty or attractive enough.

I do not want to be selfish. I've admitted to my husband how much this is impacting me, and even that I've resorted to masturbation but it seems to only put more pressure on him. But I can't live like this for the next 40 years.

We both come from broken homes, and no parental positive influences, we don't have anyone to help us or guide us. If any of you could offer any help, I would really appreciate it.

How can I save my marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:34:21 GMT

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and he and I started off pretty badly. We both said hurtful things but have moved beyond it, or so I thought. For example, we have had "discussions" that end up in tears and him telling me he wants to leave or calling me degrading names. The fights start because our sex life is not what he is used to (he has had two other partners and I was a virgin before our wedding night). Sex is painful for me and I know that something must be wrong with me because I have come to dread and hate it. What can I do to like and look forward to sex? I love my husband and am dedicated to making this work because that is what God calls me to do. I feel like I am supporting his sinful behavior by continuing to plead with him to stay, but I am afraid he will really leave if I do not. If I cannot figure out a way to make our sex life work then this cycle is bound to repeat itself and I cannot handle being compared to his past sexual encounters and called boring when I cannot be what he is used to. If anyone has any advice please let me know. I want to be a godly wife and to be able to pursue oneness. I also do not want a divorce but do not want him to continue this seemingly manipulative cycle.

Married only 6mos - brings up the "D" word often

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:33:09 GMT

Could anyone advise me on this topic. I have been married for about 6mos. now and my husband (who is christian) brings up divorce often. It seems to be after we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do. We have not blended our savings account as of yet and I'm alittle gun shy now if I should continue to have my own savings account incase this should occur.

Any suggestions? I need to mention that we both have been married before- 12 yrs each. His ended in divorce and he did not want the divorce.

Thanks~

Focus on the Family Marriage Simulcast

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 16:54:51 GMT

Focus on the Family is considering offering a nationwide marriage simulcast event in 2009. This event would be hosted by churches throughout the nation and presenters would be Christian marriage leaders and spokespeople.

The possible theme would center on "The Big Picture of Marriage- Marriage with Purpose." The emphasis would be on the fact that marriage is more than communicating well, handling conflict successfully, managing time and finances and raising children.

The event would also teach couples how to see their marriage through God's eyes, how to view their marriage and spouse in a different light and how attitudes, beliefs and faith play a key role in successful marriages.

We would greatly appreciate you taking the poll above and providing feedback by replying to this post.

Thanks on behalf of the Focus on the Family Marriage team!

My Story: Multiple Affairs

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 02:22:39 GMT

I recently stumbled upon this community and I was encouraged by the content so I wanted to share my store with hope that it will help someone else.

My husband and I have been married for six and a half years now. We got married young at the age of 18. He was in the military and although saved, neither of us was walking with God. About one year into our marriage while he was on a two week training trip in another state he drank to the point of being drunk and had a one night stand. I chose to forgive him and we slowly worked past it. About a year later we moved to another state for a new start. A year after that I had a one month mostly emotional affair with my boss who had convinced me that my husband didn’t love me and would only cheat again. It was the biggest mistake of my life. This time he forgave me and we worked through it. Another year after that he went back to our home state and ended up kissing a girl we both knew from high school. I was again devastated but trusted God to walk me and us through it. Lastly, three months ago he again got very drunk while out of town and had another one night stand. Needless to say, I was and am still devastated. We both agree that our marriage is/was great other than the enormous problem with infidelity. Without writing a whole book on it he was and is extremely remorseful and confused as to why and how this happened again despite us going to church, praying together etc. He has since gotten involved in a men’s group, recommitted his life to Christ, started counseling with a pastor, and renewed his marriage vows to me. I am also seeing a Christian therapist to work through all the anger, sadness, fear etc. and hope to be getting involved in a women’s group this month.

We are by no means through this, but I felt lead encourage anyone who reads this that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! That is a lie that satin wants you to believe. God is so much bigger than all of this and there are others out there that are fighting the same fight. What the world tells you is impossible is not impossible with God. He has blessed me with an unbelievable amount of grace to be able to walk through this with my husband and he can do the same for you. I pray the God will bless you with his true and unstoppable peace.

Waiting for a miracle

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:45:34 GMT

Hi All

It breaks my heart to read all these stories because it brings back to the pain I brought to my former wife. I only post this to let you know I will pray for those on here and ask prayer for my family.

The short story is that I am recovering from sexual addiction and made the choice to view pornography and commit adultery on many occasions. Our marriage lasted 12 years but after the revealtion of the many physical adulteries the pain was too great and my wife divorced me

It has been over a year since the divorce has been final and I have hurt her heart so bad she doesnt want anything to do with reconcilliation or going to a counselor. We are both Christians and I am on a journey of recovery.

I am praying and hoping for a miracle while at the same time knowing it would be complete grace for her to give me another chance. Please pray for the Lord to work and the healing of her and my three kids under the age of 12. Thanks

Still a brother-in-Christ to other girls!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:11:58 GMT

Hello all =) I thought I would share the Big Puzzling Question that has been on my mind recently. Maybe you'se can help me.

I am four and a half months into The Marvelous Courtship of My Dreams (yayyy!), and all is well. But now that I have a girlfriend, I am not always sure how to act towards my other sisters-in-Christ.

Now I know that the standard response is likely to be, "Well, at least by the time you get married, you should learn to look to your wife alone for female friendship, and not relate so much to other women except on a polite level or in couples/groups."

But y'see, for the last very many years, God has been teaching me that the relationship between brothers and sisters in Christ is an AMAZING blessing. I don't have any biological sisters, but He has blessed me with lots of wonderful spiritual sisters...and He has shown me how very much we miss out on by not appreciate those relationships properly.

So my thought process is this: as a brother-in-Christ, I share the same Spirit as my sisters. We have the same Father, the same Big Brother (yay Jesus!), the same mission on Earth, the same mind and purpose and Love. We are part of the same family, and we are going to be siblings FOREVER.

Romance builds on this brother-sister relationship. It does not REPLACE it, but builds on it. So with romance you get an added dimension of Emotional Intimacy.

Marriage builds on the brother-sister relationship too, adding Physical Intimacy and also combining two separate lives a single path.

But marriage ends. Romance ends. These will not persist in Heaven. Brotherly-sisterly love WILL last forever, because our Father will always be the same!

Considering all of this, it does not really make sense to me to say "Walp, let's toss the everlasting relationships out the window so we don't sabotage the temporal one!"

What I mean is that even though I am courting one amazing girl and (thank God!) owe her special attention...I do not want to fail to be a good brother to the hundreds of other Christian sisters around me. I still want to serve them, protect them, value them, lead them, and do all the things that a good brother should do. I don't think I get a free pass just because I'm dating someone! =P

I am not talking about mere "friendships" here. I am talking about maintaining God-given spiritual connections that make us into true family members. I just haven't figured out how to do both at the same time, though -- be a good boyfriend to my girlfriend, but still be a good brother-in-Christ to her AND to all my other sisters.

Maybe married folks with biological siblings can offer some insight on this? Say, if you are a guy who was close to his sister -- did you cut off all serious communication just because you got married?

(I have read some good things here in other threads -- suggestions like "Don't do anything that you would be uncomfortable doing with your spouse around", and "Don't turn to members of the opposite sex when you're having relationship trouble"...but these are very negativistic things, only looking at the boundaries of what it UNacceptable. I am trying to figure out how to have WONDERFUL brother-sister relationships along with a WONDERFUL courtship. I don't believe God gives a guy mutually exclusive commands, duties or blessings after all. ^_^)

I hope that this makes some kind of sense. I really believe that meaningful, God-honoring brother/sister relationships are possible even after you become romantically involved -- and done properly, I think that having good sisters could even strengthen my romantic relationship (that is, I think having good sisters could help me be a better boyfriend/husband). I really don't think God wants us to isolate ourselves from other members of our Family -- though I do think He wants us to be wise. =)

Thanks for reading this unintentionally long post, and for all of your forthcoming thoughts! ^_^

Tough Love vs. Unconditional Love~~Boundaries

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:16:41 GMT

Hello~

This is something I am trying to figure out. I have practiced tough love toward my husband when he did not end his relationship with the other woman and commit to our marriage I did this after I year of "just loving" him as best I could and tired to be a godly wife to him. I began to see my issues that contributed to our marriage problems and began working on me in hopes he would "come around" and commit to me. Well, he continued his affair while lying to me and telling me there was "nothing going on". When the evidenced that they were involved was seen by me at least 2 times within that year, I finally asked him if he wanted to have a marriage or be roommates. He wanted to be my roommate so I said I was not interested in that . I asked him to move out of our home but stated I still wanted to work on our marriage and go to counseling. My husband said he was not interested in this. I said OK and have left things alone. . I have not begged him nor do I call him unless it is "business" or kids stuff. He knows I want to have God lead us out of this place we are in and have a Christ centered marriage. I wrote him an email this month telling him my honest feelings. I applied "tough Love" after giving "unconditional love" even while he was sinning. OK I have read Love Need to be Tough by Dr. Dobson after I asked my husband to make a choice. I had followed the that approach before I read the book.

Other opinions are if our unfaithful spouse wants to stay we should let them and continue to pray for them and let God work. Did I do the wrong thing asking him to make a choice? . If there wasn't silence and distance he was picking a fight. I was dead inside. I was seeking the Lord for direction and strength and things kept getting worse. All the tension left when my husband left. I had peace for myself and my daughters. Now I struggle with wondering if I made a mistake. Did I make things worse because he left and then had an excuse to go deeper into sin? I have told my husband I want to save our marriage and that I still love him..But... I do not want him home until he repents. I have repented of my sins (still working on some though) He now live with the other woman in her home.

Others also say you should let them come home even if it is because they want to be obedient to God only. Yes I want him to be obedient to God but he also would need to repent Right ? I would never want to let him into my life to hurt us again. He came home once already early on but without repenting. It did not work.. I applied tough love while loving my husband unconditionally.. A person still needs boundaries Right? What are good boundaries to have if your spouse "suddenly" returns. Do you let him come home right away or do you need to set some boundaries before they can come home? I would want boundaries because of my trust issues with him. Has anyone had these questions? There are many opinions . Thank you and God Bless, Chipfishing

Married to a Godly Man, and In love Just have no Time.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 01 May 2009 13:41:54 GMT

My husband and I got together 4 years ago the 15th of This month. At that time I was not anywhere near God becasue I had never been to church. Than in our time together I started going to church with him and I wanted a personal realtionship with god so I started on my own journey with God and I came to christ a year later I was baptised in June 2006. That same night my husband asked me to Marry him and I accepted. We have been growing in our journey with Christ together. He has been a beliver for a very long time his father is a senior pastor at our church and his parents are awesome! In july 2007 we got married at our church and his father performed the ceremony and it was the best ever than God made it possible for us to get a house and we purchased it. I graduated college with my associates degree in December 2008. Now i work 2 jobs so that we can save money becasue he works alot of overtime and i felt it would be better if I could contribute more to our savings becasue it would help build it up incase of an emergency of any sort. It just feels like now we have no time for each other. I work a Full time Monday through Friday job and part time Monday thru thursday for the most part. My husband works Monday through Saturday. On Saturdays he is home normally around noon except when a project needs to go out. What I am asking from you my fellow christians/peers is for advice. I know my husband loves me and I love him with all my heart but it just seams like if one of us is not tired the other one is. I am trying to get advice on what you think we should do to spend time together. His parents have a once a week date night but I was not sure if that was a good idea. We also have a house guest right now for a few months due to my husbands job. Any advice you give would be accepted and I will be grateful for. I have had alot of bad experiances with men and my husband is so loving, kind, honest, and perfict for me that I dont ever want to loose that and I want to get ideas on what we could do to spend more time together besides just going to church even though that is a great thing for us to do together which we do. HELP if you can. Thanks

step mom of adult children

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 05:38:32 GMT

Hi I am hoping for some good christian advice from someone who might know from experience what I can do to fix my family. My husband has two adult children and I have two young kids. We have a 6 month old together. We have been married a year. We are not good christians, we mess up all the time. Mostly me. I want to be a good wife and mother, but I am so far from it. I am so discouraged. I just got a book called the step family survival guide, and I read that I have made all the mistakes that it says you are not to do. all the things in this book that is says you should never do as a step parent I messed up on. Where was this book a year ago anyways I have ruined my relationship with my step daughter and I thing it has ruined my relationship with my husband. Every thing was fine when I was my step daughters buddy but the first time I tell her to do something, she tells me to mind my own business. I was two months postpartum and very depressed, teary and moody. I told my step daughter to watch her scary movie in her room or turn the channel because I didnt want my eight year old to see the movie. She told me to mind my business and I lost it. I screamed at her and her at me. Her dad was in the other room so he said I should have asked her nicer and it wouldnt have been a problem. that made me madder adn it turned out to be a terrible night. the step daughter lives with her mom now and is pregnant. I was terrible and I feel bad and stupid but I cant stand her still. I am a terrible chrisitan and I resent my husband for taking his daughters side and saying I should have asked nice.

I have a date with my wife, we are separated. Any advice?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:39:26 GMT

My wife has been out of our home for about a month. Over that time, I have had minimal contact (self imposed to give her space). After a couple light conversations, it seemed like she wanted to talk to me more (not just about the kids). So, yesterday, I sucked it up and asked her out on a date. She knows it's a date, not just a friend thing. I made that clear. She said yes. I'm excited. I will try not to talk about the relationship, probe for clues about what/who she is up to, keep it light. I plan taking this as if we are just meeting. Hopefully, one date turns into two, etc.

Any tips? Please keep me in your prayers. I don't want to blow it. Have any of you been in this situation? What mistakes or positive steps did you make? After I changed to combat our original issues, I tried too hard to make up for the past. I didn't just change. I explained why I was doing what I was doing. I analyzed everything. I thought she needed more communication and convincing. What it did was make her think she wasn't filling my needs and that I was criticizing her behavior (I wouldn't have realized this without separation). Also, someone who wants to talk about psychology and relationship dynamics all the time becomes pretty boring.

That, in combination with her mid life crisis, pushed her away. I should have just changed and shut my mouth. In a way, I feel better after she left. Of course, its not what I want long-term, but it enabled me to relax. Not walk on eggshells all the time and try to impress her. Hopefully, the time apart helped both of us. Her to get over her negative perceptions (living in the past) and me to relax. I just wish we had entered the separation with a strategy to get back together instead of a plan to get divorced.

But, she hasn't canceled the date yet! Keeping that in mind, I am going to completely change the dynamic. Light and fun. Too much interest would reinforce pursuing and force her to make a decision. Probably not a good move, just yet. I think I have it together, but I am afraid of being put into emotional limbo again. It's one thing to say I'm going into this with no expectations, it's another thing to do it. I try to tell myself that she looked at me a month ago and, basically said, you are no longer good enough for me I want something/someone else. But, when I say that, I wonder why I am doing this date thing. How do I keep from becoming a doormat? Do I date her and remain emotionally detached until she shows signs of attraction and committment?

My Husband has felt "numb" towards me for seven years.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:02:53 GMT

I have been married for almost seven years. My husband and I have two children and we are both Christians. I am the oldest of seven kids in a very performance driven family where we were all Christians but we lived in judgement and all struggled for control. My husband is the youngest of four children in a family who was very relaxed in their value system and no accountability whatsoever. Throughout our marrige, I have continually felt that something was terribly wrong, but my husband would never open up to me about it. I worried that he was having an affair, or something like that. This year has been very, very difficult. I am fully willing to admit that I have been controlling and nagging, but I am really, really trying to be more aware of that and change. Nothing I do is right. He comes home and picks apart the way I cook, clean and care for the children. Every day I am blasted for my faults and informed that every bad decision in our marriage has been because of me. We are both bad at managing money and making good decisions. Then my husband informed me that even before our marriage, he felt numb towards me and besides sexual attraction, has no feelings for me at all (as in emotionally). I asked him why he decided to marry me and he said he thought that over time he would develope those feelings, but he hasn't. I love this man desperatelly, and I have literally felt my life being ripped to shreds in front of me. I feel betrayed that he chose to marry me and have two children with me when he knew he felt this way the whole time, and also that he waited six years to tell me, letting me wonder why he acted so coldly toward me. We are trying to arrange for counseling right now, but in the meantime what should I do? I don't know how much more my emotional being can take.

Please help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:59:15 GMT

Not new to marriage problems. Wish they weren't here but like a bad stain it just won't go away. I am in desperate need of change here. My husband is horrible. Says he is a christian. He won't even pray with me. He is the son of a pastor, but who would know. He has never made me a priority in his life. Maybe every once in a while our children. I am sick of it. I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of the financial problems. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. Stop spending what we make or more than we make for that matter. I am not a wife, I am a babysitter, a maid, someone who pays the bills and worries over them. And then when I am done working a 12 hour shift at the hospital, cleaned the kitchen, brushed kids teeth, and put them to bed, read the bible with them because I'm the only one who does, I make time for sex with him. I hate my life. I wish I were dead. I have contemplated suicide, but the only thing that keeps me here is my children. I really wish that God would strike me down. I am tired. I prayed he would just let me die, but he won't. Death is better than life. Please let me die God. It doesn't matter how. Just soon. I hate marriage. This isn't what I signed up for. I am becoming apathetic in everything. Getting out of bed takes effort. I am wavering in my faith. Do you even care, God? If you don't please I beg you to just let me die. I've waited years for things to change. I worked hard, lost weight, dyed my hair, worked overtime to pay the bills. My husband told me today he'll see me Sunday. He will be studying. I'll be on my own, with the kids, again. If God hates divorce, then why not at least make my marriage better? I've prayed, even fasted and prayed, but nothing. God, if you are there, please do something! I'm ready to give up.

Need help about infidelity

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:21:40 GMT

I need help and advice on what to do. I did a horrible thing by breaking my marriage vows. I feel terrible about it. I am not sure if I should confess this to my husband because he will divorce me. I know I deserve the worst because it is the consequence I have to pay. My husband has told me over and over many times that he has zero tolerance for cheating. Yet, I failed. It happened once this past summer. I confessed my sin to God and have repented of it. I have ended all contact with the other man. When it was all over I felt so devastated and ashamed of myself. I walked around in shock for weeks wondering how I let myself be so decieved by my own wretched lusts.

I read many posts written by pastors and Christian counselors that the adulterer must confess their sin to their spouse in order to get full forgiveness from God and that he has a right to know. I know he has a right to know what I've done. I know this will devastate him. My marriage will be over as soon as I tell him.

I have been preparing my mind for the loss of my marriage. My husband said if I was ever unfaithful he would forgive me completely but we could never live as husband and wife. He said he knows must forgive me but he does not have to remain married to me. He does have a biblical right to divorce me for adultery. I think that is what hurts the most. I know he will forgive me, but he will not want to stay married to me. He is adamant about this issue. No compromise, no reconciliation, no marriage. I don't blame him. How could I have been so stupid and selfish? I knew better. I have been a Christian most of my adult life. Yet, I failed.

I am not sure how long I should wait to tell him. I guess I need to find a job and a place to live first. I will need to prepare financially for the fallout. I take full responsibility for my reprehensible actions. All I can do now I is live in God's forgiveness as a soon-to-be-single woman. Pray for me. I need some guidance.

How a Focus on the Familly counselor helped me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:00:22 GMT

I got married 2 1/2 years ago. I took on three step children. I have no biological children. I really struggled with being a step parent. There just is not the christian information out there. I found a number for counselling from focus on the family website. I called and I was amazed that this service really exsit and I spoke to a person. He had me hooked up with a counsellor within a couple of hours. This lady was a God send! She answered every question I had. She was able to open my eyes to reality. She gave me so much info on being a step parent. I will not forget this. God used her to show me. I will now share this with other people going through the same struggles and believe me there will be major struggles!

Thank you focus on the family. May God continue to bless your ministry.

Please help.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:18:44 GMT

I just don't understand. I too have been in a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive recovering alcoholic (who is now a dry drunk) who I married too quickly for three years of torture. I too have my own problems and am not perfect (otherwise, why would I be here?). But why does God want us to stay? How can He be God and what the Bible says He is if He is telling us to endure this kind of pain and let our children watch it as well. There are SO many things wrong with my marriage it would take years to fix. I don't have years. I have a 13 year old (mine from a previous relationship) living with my parents because of my husbands issues and reaction to her. If I wait much longer, I will miss what is left of raising her. She has been at my parent's for a year and a half now. Can't anyone say anything besides "read so and so book", "pray and God will help you", etc. etc. Forgive my bitterness and anger. Yesterday I was on the point of suicide and even harmed myself. I have never done that before. Thankfully, I had one of my couseling appointments right after that, so I am doing better in that regard. Why am I having to choose between a dysfunctional relationship and my daughter? Why should I settle for less than what God promised me? Does anyone have any decent ideas? I feel like I am just metaphorically sitting in a small brick cage with one light way up at the top I can hardly see, banging into the walls like a bug trying desperately to get back outside. I had all these dreams for my future. How can I possibly support three children on my own (the other two are 2 and 1)? Why do I keep looking to God and hear Him say to stay? If I don't, will He turn His back on me? Surely He isn't even proud of who I have become. I feel like I have broken His heart because I have turned my back on Him, effectively. I have been so angry, and lashed out at God - He is the only one I can vent my anger to. But I have taken it too far, and have started blaming Him for things that are going wrong. I am under so much stress that even the littlest things send me over the edge. I can't afford a lawyer, we live in a very expensive place (where my daughter is and has a scholarship to a Christian school, so I can't move), we have struggled financially since our marriage (he moved over here from England - we were one of those internet "success" stories), I can't afford to support us on my own and we all know what social services are like in this country. If I stay until my younger ones are in school and I can work, then I have effectively given up on my older daughter because she will be graduating from high school then. WHERE IS GOD??? Doesn't He hear me calling? Am I not desperate enough? Or not good enough? I never thought I would get to a place where I questioned God's goodness. I have been through so much in my life. When my first son died in 1999, I was never angry at God. I clung to Him, and experienced such a close relationship with Him. I know people will say "Why don't you do the same now?" I can't find Him. I am blind to where He is. I have gotten in so far that I got lost. Or maybe I just can't accept His answer. Maybe I can't accept giving up one child to try and save my family. I know God is a miracle worker. But my counselor says this will take a long time. I don't think God will wave a magic wand and make it possible for even the biggest things to be fixed so at least my daughter can come home. Does anyone have any advice? Someone who has been there would be helpful. Prayer would certainly be welcome. But I spent the last 6 months in a bible study getting one on one prayer with two women at my church and it only helped temporarily. <img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">

How do you stay married..before anything happens?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:05:54 GMT

I am a newlywed..I have never been married before and neither has he. We married much later in life I am 48 and he is 57. I want encouragement and help to stay married always. I have great fears ...fears coming from my broken background and a long line of divorces in my family background. Is it wrong to find a couple to mentor us in our marriage...on how to stay married and make a marriage good or mentors who themselves have healthy marriages to talk with? We have been praying for godly healthy growing friends but nothing so far.

thanks.

What is my partner has a depression issue?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:44:51 GMT

Hello,

I believe my partner has depression issues sometimes. He is in denial, so is not wanting to get help, or perhaps because of the depression itself can't do a lot about it right now. What should the other person do at that point, I'm not sure. What have other people done? One of the things that manifest is compulsive overeating/poor body image. I am stressing out over it some, and it is also a bad influence on me. Also, the persons gloomy state is some days hard to handle.

Thanks in advance.

Unusual circumstances

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 05:31:29 GMT

Ive just finished listening to the love must be tough broadcast series and Ive also read the book. Its very interesting and very informative. However, I think I am in a very unusual situration. When i read the section on anatomy of an affair, it described my marriage to a T...I was going to try and be short and sweet and to the point, but it aint gonna happen.. I had the affair. My husband knew from the very beginning and said nothing. I would lie and try and say that I wasnt seeing the other man, but that didnt work. The other man confronted my husband, yes, the other man, and my husband sat by and said nothing. Absolutely nothing. This happened on several occasions. I tried to tell the other man that what we were doing was wrong. I told him that I didnt feel like God would bring us together even though we were married to other people even though our worlds were falling apart. I asked several others if God would do that. They said no, just like I thought they would. The other man showed me scripture about divorce. I knew it was there, but I also knew that God plainly states, "I hate divorce". I never knew where that was found until just recently. Its in Malachi. Me and my husband fought all the time. I always felt like he never listened. So the affair started. After a while, I decided to move out. I couldnt take the fighting any more. I moved out into my own apartment. I didnt want to move in with anyone. My husband helped me move and get the furniture set up and everything. After the smoke cleared, which was about a couple of months, I thought he'd come and tell me that he loved me and wanted to work things out. He never said that. I would always ask him and his answer would be "IF you didnt have a boyfriend...." It was never a yes or a no, but only an IF. Well of course for anything to work the 3rd party has to be gone. Im asking myself...is IF the same as a yes?? I dont think it is. That was the only type of confrontation my husband EVER gave me. Now, lets fast forward this a few years. The same things have always gone on. Yes, I would lie and say it was over. My husband knew it wasnt, but I was never confronted again. My husband does all kinds of things for me. For one, we live apart and Im not working and he pays all my bills for me. He says he's not in love with me, but that he does love me. I have asked him numerous times about working things out and he has always told me no in some way, shape or form. He's even gone as far as saying that he didnt want to be head of the house. He's never asked me to stop seeing this other man. I've tried but like an addict, I find it very difficult to stop. He's never given me any type of ultimatium. Im to the point now that its decision making time. Im not seeing the other man now, although it be a short time that I havent seen him, Im not seeing him. Even though Im the one that has had the affair, Im the one who has wanted to make this marriage work. Which is the most unusual situation, I think. There has been talk of divorce before, but nothing has ever evolved out of the talk. Ive been praying and asking God for change. I was laying in the bed one morning praying and God told me to go get the cassettes of love must be tough. (ive had them for a long time and never listened to them until this week.) So i got up and went and got them and listened to them. Then I went and bought the book and read it in a day. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere....i dont know if anyone has ever been in this position or not and I feel like I am the weirdest and stupidist person out there. (You have the affair and yet you are the one wanting to keep the marriage together...what gives???) Oh and me and my husband have been to counseling. The pastor gave us some "homework" to do and I did mine but my husband didnt. I got my husband to go the the movies and see fireproof. Later he told me that he felt like I "hoo-doo-ed" him into going and seeing the movie. I could never get him to read but I knew that he loved watching movies. I didnt tell him what the movie was about. On the way home, he thought it was a good movie.

I tried doing what Dr. Dobson said in the book about letting go. My husband had asked me to go somewhere with his family. I told him that that was his family and I wasnt a part of it anymore. He said I was. I think it was the next day that he came over and either picked up one of our children or dropped them off, but anyway, as he was leaving I was sitting in the chair by the door and he came to give me a hug and I didnt hug him back. He looked shocked and said, "what?? do i not get a hug?" I told him that I was trhying to give him what he wanted. I asked him how was i supposed to act. I told him that I didnt know how i was supposed to act. We had a little discussion and he asked me something to the effect of "what, do you think we could work this out?" I said yes and the other man came up and I told him that all I wanted for him (my husband) to do was to come and get me. (He never came and rescued me ) I also told him that its nice when someone tells you things more than once. His philosophy is that once you say it it doesnt need repeating. Which is so not true. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. But then I remember how God created marriage and what its purpose was and then I also remember the covenant that was made the day we said, "i do" and remember that I still love him. Always have and always will.

So which brings me to where i am today...I cried the whole time I read love must be tough....I saw how hard so many things were gonna be...I have always felt in my heart that this marriage can be saved and even think so today as I write this. I believe in miracles, the kind of miracles that only God could bring about. We have filed our taxes and are waiting on them now. Half of our taxes will go toward braces (and we filed married filing joint) and then the other half we will have to pay some bills and out of that there will be enough money to pay a divorce lawyer. I havent approached him yet on this because I am waiting for God to tell me the right time and the right words to say. I do know this though...this marriage will be in divorce court if he's not willling to let God be the head and center of the house. If God is not in the reconciliation part of it, then there will be nothing I can do. Divorce court is not where I want to go and never have wanted to go, but....I dont want it though and Im trying hard to prepare myself for that possiblity. I even bought a book called, "recovering from divorce..overcoming the death of a dream". Its so hard because all i ever dreamed of was being married to the same person all of my life and being able to say one day that we were married for 50 yrs. To me, divorce is the easy way out and Ive never wanted to take the easy way out. But I am preparing myself for what might happen. As I said earlier, he has told me numerous times that he didnt want to work it out, but its never been a definate NO. Its always been in a round about way. So when the bills are paid and with the money left over, I will confront him with the choice of divorce or marriage, but it seems to me that he shouldve done that a long time ago to me, but he didnt. I see him everyday and talk to him everyday, but its talk like as a friend and nothing more usually. I pray that God will speak to him and that when I confront him on this subject that he will understand what kind of work will go into saving this marriage. I pray that he will understand and know that this will take a great deal of time and effort for the both of us, even for him. Ive looked at the phone bill and have seen who he texts (he doesnt talk to anyone but me, but rarely ever texts me) and I dont know that he knows that I can see who he texts and how long he texts, but in order for things to even get a start, that will have to stop. Ive stopped. I pray that he will see the little things that have to change. I know I have changes to make too, so I dont want anyone to think that im "harping" on him. Im not, but I do know that it will take both of us and sometimes he doesnt see that he has to do things too, even though he didnt have the affair. I pray that God will give me the strength that I need in order to do what I need to do. I feel like this is a real turning point because Ive been praying for change and the tax money is coming back and my car died. So there are major decsions that will have to be made with that money.

Praise God

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 04:40:23 GMT

Praise God!! Two months ago my wife came home and told me she wanted a divorce. I wasn't honoring her the way God instructs us husbands to do, but I didn't see this coming. For the past two months we've been wanting two different things in our marriage, I was wanting our marriage to be restored and my wife was wanting a divorce. I had to leave town a week ago for training for the new job I got. This past thursday morning during one of our breaks from class I turned my cell phone on to check messages and all that and I got a text message from my wife it said "God told me this morning we need to go to counseling and for our kids' sake we need to try and work through this". I instantly got teary eyed and obviously excited. We have talked daily since I got back into town yesterday. We spent all day yesterday hanging out as a family, my wife and I went to a worship service together and then went to a resturant to fellowship with some of her friends from that worship service. We talked about taking a trip together after counseling, so that we can reconnect, we've talked about starting a marriage ministry to help other troubled marriages and to share what we've learned.

For those of you fighting for your marriages please understand that no matter how hopeless things seem in His time God will restore. If you're trying to save your marriage by yourself it will never work, you must turn to God and serve Him not just turn to Him to restore your marriage, but dedicate your life to Him and pray and seek Him, so that you can get to a point that no matter what happens with your marriage you will continue to serve God. Even during the times in the past two months that I've been fighting to save my marriage when things looked really hopeless I continued to serve Christ. I started mentoring men, so that they could learn from my mistakes, I started ministering in a marriage ministry to help others save their marriages (That one goofed with me, I was pretty sure God was being a stand up comedian), serve the church in anyway that I can. About two weeks ago I finally got to a point in my new walk that I could honestly say that even if my marriage wasn't restored that I was forever changed and that I would spend the rest of my life serving Christ. As soon as I got to that point God started working on my wife.

We serve an awesome God!! Turn to Him and serve Him. Most of all pray, pray, pray for your marriage, your spouse, and yourself because as much as we'd like to believe that we didn't do anything to hurt the marriage we need to look at our own "closets" before we start trying to clean our spouses.

I will be praying for all of you that your marriage would be restored and that God would work on both of you. This was way longer than I had planned, but I hope it gives Christ all the praise and that it might on a hopeless feeling day give somebody hope.

God Bless and thank you all VERY MUCH for all the help you have given me and for all the inspiration you've given me during my hopeless feeling days.

In Christ,

Cory

Marrying Another After Divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 07:56:38 GMT

Hello,
I'm currently studying in preparation for our Vacation Bible School that is coming up next week. I'm using the scripture for VBS for my daily devotion. Day 2 of our VBS will focus on "Jesus teaches on a mountainside (Matthew 5-7)". I say all this to explain why I'm spending time in an area that troubles me...
Matthew 5:31, 32 entitled Marriage is Sacred and Binding in this Bible and then I was pointed to Matthew 9:3-12 by the note in this study bible.
Our situation is this is the 2nd marriage for both my husband and I. We will be married 7 years on July 1st and this marriage is a wonderful, loving and godly covenant marriage. We have 1 daughter from my previous marriage and 2 children from this marriage. God has blessed us wonderfully in so many ways, I feel strongly that He is happy with this union.
What bothers me is Matthew 5:32 says ...and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
Now, should my husband be repentant about marrying me? If so, wouldn't that mean he should stop committing the sin? This doesn't make sense because it would break up a new marriage, which is Sacred and Binding.
I'm not considering breaking this marriage up in any way, but it does trouble me every time I read this. Does anybody have any insight on this?

In His Love,
Carolyn McNabb

My wife left and it was my fault!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:13:31 GMT

I am not sure if this post should be stand alone or attached to one of the others. I have found several of these to be very helpful.

My wife moved out over three weeks ago. We are both Christians and have been married for nearly three years. This was the third marriage for both of us. Her prior marriages were 13 with a daughter and 16 years. My first was 15 years with two sons and the second was only 7 months. When we married she had been divorced just over a year and me only 9 months. I believe that the timing may have contributed to some extent to our problems. As with many relationships you read about here, there were many issues. Some small and some not so small. I am self-employed with a tendency toward being a "work-a-holic". My wife has spent her entire career in public education. Being self-employed has caused income to be peaks or valleys and never very stable. Shortly before we were married I began remodeling my home (my childhood home place). It need major renovation. After we married and she moved in, I continued with some small home projects. But she took a year off from work to paint a lot of the house. Instead of working on the house in our free time, we spent our free time with her family's many activities (about one hour away). We bought a camper and spent our summer weekends with her family at camp. During the other months, we did a few things around home but very little. My wife is not from the area where we live. Because of the many activities with her family, she never really felt "at home" in her new community. During most of her year of remodeling the house, I did very little except to keep her going by repairing or replacing as needed. After one year she decided that she was not really ready to retire and went back to work. It took her several months to find a job. She was basically over qualified for every position available close to home. The work on the house nearly came to a complete halt when she went back to work. I really had not wanted the home place, but bought it to help out my father in his estate plan. The lack of progress on the house started the unwinding of our relationship. It then spread to other areas. I found any number of other things to occupy my time and stay away from home. The more she complained about the house the more I avoided it. Finally she took a few things and move to her sister's.

About two weeks ago I made a trip to my nephews graduation about a 13 hour drive each way. When she found out I was out of town, she and her family came to the house and took most of her things (this is exactly how my second wife moved out, along with emptying my checking account). I did not discover this until I returned. Needless to say I was devastated but not completely surprised. In the next few days to follow, we made a rough draft of divorce papers. Then calmer heads prevailed and the papers have been put away. We maintained somewhat of a dialogue, which at times was emotional (good and bad). More recently our discussions are much calmer and somewhat productive. Here is my dilemma, she now wants little or no contact unless there are personal items to be exchanged. She wants me to get "myself right" and to only put effort into her happiness and not worry about trying to help somone else be happy. I understand and have actually made a list of the many things I need to do. I keep asking her to at least acknowledge that there is a possibility of "us" in the future. She will not even entertain the idea and suggests that I "try to look ahead to a better life." When I press her to see if she will be apart of my future, she says that as she sees it now, probably not. She did say once, that God only knows the future. Am I wrong to be looking and asking for some hope from her? I have prayed, read scripture and researched many things trying to find some strength and clarity.

I know God does not see divorce as an option except under two circumstances, neither of which apply to our situation. I do not want this, but have directly caused us to be in this situation. I have tried to contact a local counselor, but cannot seem to get a return call to get an appointment set. How do I deal with her wanting out when the situation is outside of my understanding of God's plan for marriage? Is it possible that God really did not want this marriage to happen and our human desire pulled us into marriage? I really need some clarity and guidance.

Prayerfully hopeful

What to do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:25:54 GMT

I want my marriage to work but I am not sure anymore if it is because of love for him, love of being married or just plain foolishness. he is unfaithful and has been for a while. He lies about it. He does not provide for the family. The only burden that has been lifted from me since being married has been the burden of sex. I am sure that tough love is what I need to implement but I am still a little afraid. I will be making a stand tonight (if he comes home) and I am praying for strength. I need strength because I know that I am not strong when it comes to him. I want things to work so bad that I have allowed him to humiliate me, my self respect is gone and I find it hard to even smile. I have been praying for guidance but I am not sure if I am hearing from the Lord, I think I am to close to discern. I feel like a fool in front of my 3 sons, two of which are grown and sometimes I think I am losing all their respect. I told my husband that I was not going tolerate his disrespecting me by staying out all night and continuing messing around. He is adamant that he is not but his behavior says that he is and I have read text messages from the woman, my son even told me that he saw my husband with the girl driving her car with her riding beside him. I called him on it and he says it was nothing and that I should understand that since he does not have any transportation that she will give him a ride. I realize from reading the book that I am in denial, even now I don't want to believe that he is still cheating on me but I know he is. He is not here and has not called. I was trying to call him but I stopped. I know his pattern you see and eventually he will come home and it will be my fault that he left in the first place. he will be sorry and please don't be mad and etc.... So.... I need strength to follow through and have tough love without resentment and anger.

Adulterous Husband who is not repentant

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 01:23:47 GMT

I found out 3 months ago that my husband has been having an adultery with a woman from another country.

While we have been having our problems and issues for many years, where we have left them unresolved, I am not willing to give up this marriage of 11 years. He has been seeing her for more than a year and proclaim true love and emotions for her. While 1.5 months ago, he has chosen the family, I allowed him to go and say his final goodbye to her. He said that the only reason why he cose to stay was for the kids only, he has no plans to reconcile with me. That he will never love me again. When he was back, he continued to call her daily, nightly, confessing love to her. He has been very cold towards me recently and we stay in the same apartment.

He has been drinking a lot daily and can't sleep without relying on alcohol. He has been out of a job around the time he met her. When he was drunk, he said that he want to go and see her.

The daily hurt of his love confessions to her hurt me a great deal. I know that since he is not repentant, and refused to go for any counselling, our deep-rooted issues will not even start to heal. The question I ask myself daily is how long more? What is God telling me to do? I have no answers. There are 2 ways to go about this : (1) Let him walk out when he finally could not take it and issue the ultimatum or even graciously let him come back to the family? (2) Or ask that he leave till he really decides. It's a 50% chance either way. Any advice?

Husbands infidelity......need support from sisters in Christ!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:47:41 GMT

I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. For the last 12 he has had a problem with porn, chat, chat room sex, emotional affairs, now infidelity. It really has been a living hell on earth. Off and on for the last 12 years his sin has been found out. I have confronted him multiple times. The last time I confronted him was for the affair.

I guess I should tell that we are both Christians and have been since childhood. He was raised in a wonderful Christian family, very normal. I was raised in a Christian home with a lot of problems. We met after our first spouses cheated on us. So of course the hurt and sorrow from our previous marriages had us vow to never cheat on each other. I have kept my end of the deal.

In the past when I have confronted him he was sorry and would tell me he would never do it again. We would make up talk things over and move on. I would always ask him to go to marriage counseling with me but he never would go. He's a very smart business man and thinks he can fix things on his own. Obviously he's not as smart as he thinks he is. To do the stupid things he has done.

The affair lasted 18 weeks. During this time I knew things weren't right and tried to find out what he was up to. He was very secretive and he never could "remember" what time his flights were when I asked him or what time he had appointments, and things like that. He was giving himself the time and space to see this women. I would try to ride with him for a doctors appointments he had weekly, and all the sudden he wouldn't be able to tell me what time his appointment were.Obviously a ploy keep me from going along. On two occasions I went by his job to surprise him so I could go and he had already left early to keep me from going. BTW the women he had the affair with worked in this doctors office. "Oh, and she is a Christian too". I knew it was her but couldn't catch them. He drove 45 minutes each way to see this doctor.

My husband is the kind of man that you have to catch in the act or he will not tell the truth. So on one of his business trip I had an uneasy feeling so I looked up the flights he would be taking and found out that he left our house 3 hours before his flight when we only live an hour and twenty minutes from the airport. So I got in my car and drove to the airport. I arrived at 7:45 am drove to the airport parking to see if his truck was parked in his normal parking place and guess what? It wasn't, bad sign! So I drove around to the front of the hotel parking and waited on him. Like clock work he drove past me at 8:00 am only giving himself 25 minutes to catch is flight. Knowing what time he left our house he should have been there by 7:00 am so I was very upset knowing that he had an hour to do whatever he was doing.

When he got home from his trip I confronted him. He tried to deny it like they always do. But this time I told him that I followed him. And that I arrived at the airport before him. To have proof of my trip I went through the airport parking and received a times ticket as my proof. Finally he told me the truth. The shocking truth at that! He had been seeing this women for over four months and on top of that he was having unprotected sex with her. Mind you he is 47 and she is 30. A real ego boost I'm sure! One of my fears is that she is going to come up pregnant. But another of my fears has already come to pass. I found out from my doctor this week the he believes I have an STD, it's the hpv virus. And he is also treating me for a bacterial infection. From the way he talked he believes it's the high risk type that can cause cancer. I will find out next week sometime.

I'm so hurt and heart broken. I confronted him June 6th and since then we have been trying to see if we can remain together. He is more willing to work on his sexual addiction (as he calls it now) more then ever. He is already seeing a counselor and is begging me to at least try. I do love him even after all the hell he has put me through over the years. It seems that every week since June 6th something comes up that wrecks havic on me. Making it almost unbearable to remain with him. Of course the STD is the worst because it's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

I go to a wonderful Christian counselor and have gone to him for over a year. I started seeing him after one of my husband emotional/chatroom affairs. But I needed a women to talk to maybe someone who has been in my shoes and can give me support and

help. Blessing and Thanks in advance for your help!

Supporting babies born from adultry?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:56:27 GMT

My husband has 2 babies born 1-year apart from adultery. He says he is repentant and wants to stay in the marriage with me and get right with God.

My question is about supporting these 2 babies. I have agreed to help pay the financial child support payments, but how much contact should my husband have regarding visitation with the mother of his 2 children? He feels responsible for this women being a single mother with 2 babies in diapers with no one else to support her. How much contact should he have with her, even if it is only over the phone?

Please advise, my husband is acting strange

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:27:59 GMT

Hello. I am new to this so please bear with me. My husband & I have been married for 13 years and have two kids. We own a business and work together every day. Lately he has really changed. He has been drinking more than usual. He has become so verbally abusive to me. Saying horrible things in front of our kids and now in front of the other employees. Yesterday he threw a typewriter across the room. When I say, "We need to talk" he ignores me or sighs and says, "now what."Tonight he yelled at me in front of the kids and they were crying. This is certainly not the man I married. I know he feels stress, but guess what, his actions and words are putting all of us in a ton stress.I am sad. I honestly do not know what to do. What is wrong with him? How do I cope? I cannot allow my two boys to be afraid or to think this is the way to deal with your anger or frustration. Honestly, if we were simply dating, I know I would not put up with this. But we are married, have kids, have a business, own a home, etc.Please help me either with your prayers and/or some strong advise. I really appreciate it.!i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif|src=i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif|border=0!