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Prayer Chain. Save our marriages. Together we can win the fight to save our marriages.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:19:00 GMT

I have read many of your posts and it has occurred to me that marriages and families are under great attack. Mine included as my husband has filed for divorce. I think we can fight this and when the war against Satan. I would like for many of us to come together and make a commitment to praying for each other. The bible tells us that all things are possible through God.

We must fight back! We can all get through this with help from God. If you would like to join me in praying for each other please let me know. God knows your story so I don't need details just a committment that you will also pray for those that post on this thread.

In prayer we will overcome Satan. It is time we took a stand against the attack and joined together.

He wants out..

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:27:34 GMT

Well, Im not sure what good this can do but Im praying for a miracle.

My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. I am a military wife. This is our first deployment. He left two months ago. We left on good terms, working through issues that have been there for most of our marriage but with plans of the future. We had a schedule where we would talk twice a day online. He would say I love you, I would say I love you more to which he always said Doubt it. It made me smile and put any fears I ever had out of mind. 2 weeks ago he went away for four days. I was scared, it was the first time I didnt have communication with him, I was worried. I probably overreacted and thought he was ignoring me. He has always informed me when he wouldnt be available so this felt different. He came back and sent me a text that he was fine, he loved me and would talk to me soon. Later that night, he was distant online. Not responding but with vague answers. I told him I loved him, I didnt want to fight, Glad he was safe, and I would talk to him tomorrow.. Last Sunday, Feb 28th and 3pm, I received an email from Iraq. He wanted a divorce.

I was shocked. I couldnt even finish reading what little he had written befre breaking down. I screamed, I cried, I got angry. So many emotions hit me and hit me hard. I felt betrayed, abandoned, scared. I have three kids to care for, a home to keep going, a life to pick up. What do I do?

I decided to fight and fight hard. I emailed him just to reassure him that I wasnt giving up. I sent him messages when I was thinking about him. I asked his family and friends to support him so if he needed someone, he wasnt alone. Hes very good at masking emotions but I was hoping the thought of Divorce would bring some to the surface. I asked his CO to look after him and be there for him. I was doing everything unselfishly as I could to watch over him.

I have received only a handful of emails, vague, unemotional. Just stating he is tired of the fighting for the years it has happened and he wants out. The sooner the better. I have stood strong and told him No, whatever it is, we can get through it. Our marriage has seen far worse and has only gotten better as years go by. He tells me he doesnt love me and he only stayed for the kids. I know this isnt real or true, he is trying to hurt me and make himself believe that he isnt hurting as well. Two weeks ago, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He couldnt imagine life without me, and today, he doesnt want me. I tried to talk to him on the webcam yesterday, to show him how this is affecting me, to let him know Im not just letting it roll off my shoulders.. Im fighting, im standing, Im believing.

I have renewed my faith in God and put it in his hands. We took a vow, for better or worse. My husband doesnt believe in God or his "fairytale". I know God would never turn his back on his children. I made a commitment ofr LIFE, not just for when it feels right or when its convenient.

My husband has emailed me today asking me to face the music, its over. He doesnt want me and to set up my own bank account. I told him I have lots of funthings for us to do when he returns in 5 months and Divorce isnt on that list. He says its on his. I tell him things change. I will fight and fight harder than ever. I havent been blameless in this. I have withheld my emotions from him, so scared that if I truly allowed myself to live, that he would leave me and the one thing I tried so hard to save is now running and flailing. I am trying hard to be a better me, to get my life together. He has been my sole support for 7 years. I have no family, minimal friends, no job, just him and my kids. I am working on changing that. I have started counseling, church, activities, looking into returning to school. I have told him we have 5 months left to repair what has damaged us and I have all the faith that it can be done. It isnt just words, its true belief that got me here.

I found this website today while searching for ways to cope, to help us find our path.. I emailed him some of it on how to work together. I doubt he will read it as its littered with Christian thoughts and he is far too lost right now to even give it a thought. I have done all I can but I will never give up. People around me tell me to hope for the best and plan for the worst, but I cant plan for something I dont believe will ever come. I dont ever see us getting divorced, I dont see my life or my childrens lives not including him fullforce. This is out first deployment and this is out of character for him.. he has fought for me everytime I got scared and thought it was just easier to say godbye than to face what our marriage has become.. I decided 2 years ago when he begged me to stay that he was worth everything I could feel. Its taken me 2 years and this situation for me to realize that what I have, what we have is worth fighting for, but I dont know how to get him to open his heart back up. The darkness is surrounding him everyday, the environment he is in, the fear he feels 24/7, the thoughts that Im sure race through his mind in any downtime he has.. I have always been faithful to him. He is the only man I have loved for 7 years and hope to for the rest of my life.

I really need some help. I get stronger and more determined each day but Im scared that its just going to make him fight himself and his thoughts harder. He says he isnt strong enough to get through this. I cant bring him to find God, his eyes are closed and so is his heart, but I know that our marriage is so much stronger than this. Its worth everything to me.

My son prayed last night for he first time and his prayer was "please dont let my mommy and daddy spread apart".. I cant bear to tell my husband because he will think Im just trying to use the kids against him but this breaks my heart that my kids are scared. If the enviornment was so bad as my husband states, my kids woudlnt be asking for his daddy to come back to us.

Please, anyone with any guidance, anyone been through this and have a good story to share that is positive. Its funny because I have always been such a negative person and now Im the positive keeping this marriage afloat but I would be the strength for both of us as long as he needs it.

My husband wants a divorce, its all my fault!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 22:26:50 GMT

I have been married for 3 years but with my husband for almost 10 years. I have made many mistakes and now he wants out and I am heart broken. I grew up in a phhysically abusive home and have let it into my marriage. When I have been angry I have hit and cursed at him. Not to excuse my mistakes but that is not something that is current but something from about 7 months ago. Mainly because I have tried to change my ways. I am so heart broken over what I have done to my family and wish that I could take it back but I guess I can't. Is there anyone out there that can encourage me or atleast understand me. I am not proud of myself I am actually trying to even care about living. Please pray for me.

I'm in total shock

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:21:37 GMT

I've been married for 16 years and recently learned that my H has had multiple affairs. There have been at least 3 coworkers and he's admitted to going to "massage parlors" and escort services. He has been going through religious counseling and had been working up the courage to tell me when I found an email he had written to one of the counselors. I've asked him a lot of questions about "why" "who" and exactly "what" happened and he has been very forthcoming. He shared with me that during his counseling he learned that he had looked to sex as a form of validation, something that told him he was a true man. He said that there was never any emotional attachment to any of the women and no "relationship" lasted more than a few weeks. He feels that with God's help, marriage counseling and my forgiveness he can now be the man he should be and the husband I deserve.

I have to say I am in total shock. To me it sounds like I"m talking about two entirely different people - - the man I married and this other man, who's hurt me beyond all imagination. During our marriage we would hit the occassional rough spot. He would blame me - - not attentive enough, not enough sex, etc - - and I would accept the blame thinking I could be doing more, but always knowing there was this disconnect between us. I even participated in a trial medical study to increase my sexual drive, but there was still the disconnect between us. Over the years he would accuse me of being interested in other men, of possibly having affairs or wanting out of marriage. Again, I looked at myself and asked what was I doing to make him feel that way. In response, I dressed more conservatively, lost touch with many friends, put on weight and basically made myself as unattractive and unavailable to any other man as possible. As I look back, I realize that he was projecting all his insecurities on me. But that doesn't change the hurt, the paid, the 16 years of driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I could do to make things right, when all the time he had the answers and watched my emotional and physical deterioration. So here's the question... he wants to work it out, he wants to make it all up to me. I don't know if I can do it. How can I forgive someone I wholeheartedly trusted with my feelings, my heart and my soul and then crushed them all?

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Please let me know - - I want to know the good, the bad and the ugly as I'm facing it all right now.

My daughter's dark secret...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 02:59:52 GMT

It's been almost a year now since I uncovered a secret that forever changed my life. It is by God's grace that I am still of a sound mind. It was a Saturday morning, I was cleaning my daughter's room as I usually do. She was not home. As I worked throught the room I uncovered folded notes stuffed inside and in between books and notebooks. She has been acting so unlike herself for months and I felt I needed to read these notes if I were to ever understand why the odd change in her. The notes were from another girl. The writings were sexual in nature and every word that I read broke my heart. I felt like I was in the middle of some horrible nightmare, a bad joke. My kids spent their lives going to church and youth group. My kids were brought up with a Christian faith and love for Christ. How could this be happening? When she came home we questioned her and she finally admitted to her desire and attraction for other girls. She fell apart, she cried, she looked lost but she was not willing to let go of this lifestyle. We immediately went to our Pastor in desparation. He got us connected with a Christian counselor. We took our daughter for more than 6 months and still there was no change, no hope that she was finally seeing her sin for what is. She was not willing to let it go. We made a hard decision to discontinue the counseling as we came to realize that she was manipulating those sessions all too well, taking the focus off her sin and on to others. The public school system has not helped at all. They are busy providing an environment of acceptance for all lifestyles with their GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance) clubs. Teachers are afraid to stand up for their faith, afraid to rock the boat. Satan is after this generation like no other. He sees the endless opportunities and weeknesses of this generation. Now more than ever we must find ways to reconnect our youth with Christ. We need the parents to rise up for Christ and for their teens. I am still a Lost Mom...I don't have any magic answers, all I have is Christ. I pray for her, for her salvation, for God to reach into her life and separate her from this lifestyle. I just want her back. I miss her terribly, she is not the same kid anymore. So, to anyone else out there who is going through something similar...just know you aren't alone. Pray a lot. Pray for your kid, pray for their friends, pray for God's intervention. It may take months or years...no one knows. Continue to love your teen even though they are seemingly running from you and all that is good. Someday they will come home and you will want to be there. God Bless.

Confused about my feelings of love toward my husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 00:55:29 GMT

I might be making mountains out of mole hills but I believe that I am following out of love with my husband. We have been married 7 years and dated 5 years before that. During any of my past boyfriend relationships, I have gotten these feelings that he was not the one for me. These feelings were "thoughts of dating other guys", "not being tied down to just one guy", and being able to do anything I want, when I want. So now that I am married, I am getting some of these feelings again. I love my husband but I dont think I am "in love" with him anymore. Last year, I kinda got these feelings but felt it was because he was not showing me any love the way that I wanted to be loved. I was going to have major surgery, and I felt he was just going to be there at the hospital in body form. I was proven wrong. Since then, I have looked at him like a I could just eat him up. I loved him sooooo much. Now in just a flick of a light switch, my love has changed. I am basing everything on my past boyfriends and knowing how my feelings are. I want to be soooooo wrong,and I want God to show me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill but deep down I don't think so. My mother always said that these feelings will either get worse or better. I feel that they are getting worse. I am afraid that we will separate and then divorce. I have not read anything that lets me think that I can change my feelings or that these feelings are coming from something lacking in my marriage. I know that I am either going to get tired of dealing with these stupid feelings and divorce or I will get used to them for them to be even worse the next time. I don't want to loose my husband over something stupid. I am so confused!!

friendship with the opposite sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:23:59 GMT

i was wondering today... would it be okay if i had a guy friend? even if i knew him before i got married and we kind of had a crush on each other for awhile??? like when i was 14 ?even though i dont have feelings for him that way anymore of course but i dunno.. i'm kinda confused about this topic because my husband has a lot of girl friends not romantic relationships but i sometimes do get jealous of them. and i have no guy friends at all. and i have always thought it was unfair that he has had these relationships but i have not. is this a normal question to ask???

Is My Husband Having An Emotional Affair?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 21:06:28 GMT

This is the first time I have posted, and I praise God for this forum and the hope of being able to get some help. I am really struggling in my marriage right now. I have been married for over 30 years, and for most of those years I have had a wonderful, close, relationship with my husband. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband owns his own business. He works very hard to provide for our family but, unfortunately, this usually involves long hours working from 7am-10pm most weeknights, half day Saturday and sometimes Sunday. We also have a missions-oriented ministry that we started together about seven years ago.

About five years ago, we met a married couple at church that we liked very much. We became very close and started spending alot of time with them. The wife joined our missions team and we were happy to have her. As time went on, she became more involved with things and started helping my husband with some of the activities we were involved with (i.e. emails, phone calls, contacting people, advertising). She is a very hard worker and enjoyed serving and being in the middle of things. After awhile, I began to feel that she and my husband were developing a close relationship - one that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. She began taking on responsibilities that were once mine and my husband was spending alot of time interacting with her via email, cell phone, and texting. I also found out that on numerous occasions they had had coffee and lunch together and my husband never told me. Another concern was that my husband always wanted to get together and do things with this couple - every weekend - but he never wanted to spend time with just me. We share the same circle of friends with this couple and when we end up at events together, it always seems like my husband and the wife always end up together in some way, sitting together, talking, laughing, and joking around.

As time went by she took on more responsibility in our ministry, and before I knew it, she was doing pretty much everything for him. She became his assistant, his confidant, and (I felt) my replacement. Some new people that joined our ministry were surprised when they found out that I was his wife and not her. On several occasions I spoke to him about how I felt. But he always said nothing was going on, that I was being jeleous and unreasonable. Finally I felt God was telling me I needed to put a stop to this and I told my husband that I needed him to distance himself from her. He said he didn't know how to do that because she was such an integral part of our lives (our ministry, our good friends, our church, and also in another service organization that she and my husband belong to). I came up with some suggestions which he agreed to. Things got a little better and he has taken on more responsibility in the ministry, but three out of four Sunday afternoons last month were spent with this couple. There was always some excuse to justify it that I couldn't say no to. And a few days ago I was looking in the ministry email to get information about an event that we have coming up, and I noticed that he is still sending her emails. He is asking for her opinion on certain matters and copying her on emails sent to other people. These emails are not of a personal nature, but I am longing to be his assistant, confidant, and his help-mate. He does not ask for my opinion or copy me on any emails. The things that I have mentioned here just scratch the surface of what's been going on. There is not enough room here to tell the whole story.

I just don't know what to do. I have tried working on myself. I went to a Christian counselor for awhile. I tried to get my husband to go but he refused. I try to make our home a place that he will want to come home to. I keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, fix a good dinner. I try to look my best when he gets home and be happy to see him. I don't bring up problems or nag and complain. But he just can't seem to separate himself from this woman.

I have spoken confidentially to a couple of Christian friends and they have suggested that I talk to her. I suggested this to my husband and he said absolutely not. He didn't want her to get mad and quit our ministry group. But when he says something like that, it makes me feel like she is more important than my feelings.

From what I have described here, is my husband having an emotional affair? If anyone can share their experience or insight, I would very much appreciate it.

Need Prayer for Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:20:31 GMT

Hi. This is my first time posting a thread, although I have been thinking about it for a while. However, I feel like I am in a battle, and somedays (like today), I feel myself being pulled into the trenches, I know that I am need of the prayer of others to help pull me out. My husband and I are in counseling, and we really just started a few months ago. The counselor told us right from the get-go that marriage counseling can be a very long process, and boy, that was an understatement. In some ways, I feel like we have gone backwards. Neither my husband nor I were prepared for the challenges of marriage. Both of his parents have been married and divorced several times, and quite honestly, I just don't think I understood what it meant to be a wife. Although I have always considered myself a christian, I have only, in the last two years, begun to understand what it meant to walk with the Lord. My husband had a very difficult childhood. Through our counseling sessions, my eyes were really opened to the depth of his pain. He was raised by his dad and told often that his mother had left him. He did not have a good relationship with his mother growing up, and in general, it was not a healthy situation for a kid. I don't want to sound like I am putting this off on my husband, because I certainly have my own issues. However, through my walk with the Lord, my eyes have been open to some of the ways that I have failed in my marriage, and what I need to work on.

The problem that we are having right now, and have been having for a while, is that my husband has completely shut down. He speaks to me with utter contempt. He can't even look at me. Despite my efforts to be positive, when I try to talk to him and his body language seems as if he hates me, and I just end up breaking down and crying. I wish that I could be stronger. It seems as if he has built these huge walls around himself now, and no one, lest of all me, is going to be able to get through them. We have another counseling session tonight, so I am praying for some help and direction from her, and I have not stopped praying to God for help, strength, comfort, direction, etc. The reason why I am writing this is because I know that my husband is not my source of peace, and I know that he will never fill the void in my heart. But, how do I keep from letting my sadness, my hurt eat me up? That is why I would appreciate some prayers. Also, although he goes to church, I don't know if he is saved. This must sound strange because he is my husband and I should know this. But, anytime I broach the subject, he gets angry, and changes the subject. So, I also pray that he will open up his heart to God's peace.

Thank you for your prayers.

Pray that God will heal our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:37:16 GMT

My first day here. The Lord knew what I needed, and lead me to this awesome website.

God blessed me with a wonderful gift 14 years ago, my husband, my hero, Rob. We have been married 13 years June 21, I celebrated alone. My husband left our marriage June 9, 2010, I was clueless until I read it on Facebook at 3 am. He is a combat medic, Army National Guard - fulltime, active duty, 16 years of service. We have been through many deployments...together. He went to Afghanistan in 2007, and returned in 2008 after 18 months. He and I both know that he left a part of him overseas, he didn't come back the same. His addictions have hold of him now, he is lost. He is a man of God, raised as a Christian, graduated highschool in a Christian Academy. Right now he is living for himself, and has turned his back on God, me, my kids, and his family. Two months ago, he said his unit may be deploying to Afghanistan again, in December 2011, he asked if I would be here when he got back. I said YES, I will always wait for him, no matter what. He said he didn't want to put me through another deployment, and put that burden on me. On June 9, he was stroking my hair while I was checking email, he said he loved me, I looked up at him and said "I love you more". The next thing I know he is saying hateful things to me, things my husband would never think of saying. Then he left. 3 weeks ago tomorrow. The hurt, pain, confusion, devastation knocked me to my knees, while there I have been praying. I will have to crawl before I can walk again, but I know I will stand...my husband made me ARMY STRONG. His family now...is all of his single Army buddies. He won't go to marriage counseling. He says he wants a divorce, and wants to be free. I can't grant him a divorce, I took vows, I can't break those vows. I told him nothing has been done that can't be undone, together with God, we can fix it. He will always have a home to come to, and I will always forgive him...for everything. I pray he will find the part of him that is missing, the part that loves me. I know it is worth finding. The man I love and married is worth finding, and worth fighting for. We need prayer for guidance, wisdom, and healing. The only comfort I get is from reading all his letters he wrote me over the years. He just got promoted last Saturday, he bought a new truck, plans to buy a motorcycle. He is going through his mid-life crisis, he will be 39 in September . I can only pray that this is a phase, and the Lord will open his eyes and heart...soon. Then he will see...the grass isn't always greener. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please pray for us. I know if the Lord leads me to it...he will get me through it. And through HIM...all things are possible. Thanks and God Bless

Is this marriage worth saving

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:40:16 GMT

I posted an article last week regarding my husband. We are currently separated and he has no intentions of working on our marrige. He has done so many horrible things to destroy our marriage; pornography, affairs, verbal and physical abuse. He is also mentally ill. I think bibically I have enough reasons for a divorce. Can anyone attest to that? This has being the most difficult journey of my life. I am so drained emotionally just thinking about it. One of the reasons I'm scared to proceed with the divorce is because I know he is going to harass me and enlist other people to do so as well. I am so crushed inside because I have an autistic child who takes up alot of my time and I have to deal with this. I feel as though this is more than I can bare.

Re: Have you read "Love Must be Tough?" (continued)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:26:36 GMT

Dear Stillhopeful,

Thank you so much for the encouragement regarding the conversation with my mom. Some days it is hard enough to struggle through all the confusing and negative thoughts I manufacture on my own and submit those to God, without having more negativity and doubts added. Obviously, I know my marriage is a complete shambles and my husband, as he is right now, is unloving, often says unkind things, is consumed by selfishness and has rejected me. So far I seem able to remember that we had good things about our marriage and believe that God can restore the good and re-make the bad into something better. You mentioned a few days ago that when you made a list of your husband's positive qualities for Love Dare, mostly you had to look back a year for that list other than a few physical characteristics. But I see frequently in your posts that you still love your husband and between memories and glimpses of the old person, you very much continue to desire both a physical and emotional marriage with him. I feel the same about my husband. When I answer the phone, just the sound of his voice makes me happy for a moment, followed by a profound saddness as I remember that a to-the-point phone call is all I'm going to get. I'm finding it is very hard to stop wanting to share things with him, laugh with him, hold him, etc. If I display sadness for those things, my family sees it as some sort of sign that I'm an abused woman because, even though I know he is cheating, I still yearn for him. I took out LMBT last night and was flipping through it and page 144 which starts with "endless stories could be told of how God honored the perseverance of abused and ignored partners as they refused to give up" was a helpful reminder to me that the perspective on this post is the right one.

I am glad your baby has begun sleeping through the night. You are very strong to have gone through these months alone with an infant and three other children. It must be difficult when your son asks about his dad - the tent remark had to hurt. I'm sure the children are also a source of joy and purpose in your life right now as well. I appreciated the lesson from the bedtime storybook on Monday.

I have been praying that God is especially close to you this week as you face the uncertainty of your husband being away. It is too bad he won't make it back over the weekend with the car problem. I continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to reach out to your husband and pull him back into a Christ centered relationship and that God will put a hedge of protection around him and keep him from any relationships that are ungodly in this new living/working situation. You mentioned early on that your family were not Christians and I have continued to pray for them along with the husbands and other relatives for whom we are praying salvation. It must be awkward talking to your non-Christian family about the behavior they are seeing displayed in your Christian husband. I hope the counselor is helpful.

Dear KA,

Thank you for posting the prayer. I am glad you were able to find a little extra time to come on the post and update us on your situation. How is your sister-in-law doing? I continue to pray for that whole family. I hope your mother-in-law has been a bit more willing to stand for right than she was at one point.

You asked about the house. I put them off on Friday and said I had not yet made a decision (wished it would sell over the weekend, but it did not). Yesterday I got an e-mail from my realtor that it is still available and asking do I want to proceed. I have not yet responded, but I plan to tell her no. That first time they called back I felt strongly led to say no. I have since doubted that at moments (based on what my mom said which I posted yesterday, and on the fact another friend sees them calling as itself a sign from God to go forward). But I've given it a great deal of thought and I really do believe I was led to say no that initial time based on scriptures jumping out at me as my "answer" and the peace that followed with that decsion. This most recent time when it came up last week, I prayed and read and never have felt any response from God either direction. I was listening to a Charles Stanley sermon on his web site (all your mentions of Charles Stanley got me to take a look) called "When God is Silent" and it said sometimes God is silent if we have unconfessed sin. But if you have confessed your sin and he is still Silent, sometimes he is working behind the scenes and will do something amazing, sometimes he is teaching us to trust him or seek him, sometimes he is God and we have to respect his right to be silent. He suggested staying where you are until you know you hear his voice and to keep praying about the issue. That is my plan at the moment. A house is just way too big an issue to move on based on various humans giving me their opinion on something I think God already told me not to do.

Dear Emadiane,

Your prayers are very much appreciated. Thank you for sharing more about your situation with us. I will continue to pray that you are able to move forward in reconciliation with your husband and come to a point where he is faithful to your marriage.

Dear KitKat3and2,

How are you doing? I pray this week is going a little better for you than the end of last week.

Message was edited by: Moderator

What is Bakugan?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:58:15 GMT

Does anyone know about Bakugan games? My 8 year old is begging for it. I haven't been able to find out much about it on the internet. I try to be careful with magical/fantasy things. What is everyone's thought?

An Introduction to Non-Literal Creation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 04:35:20 GMT

In another thread I aluded to the fact that many scholars see Genesis 1-11 as non-historical while after that it becomes history. Lou responded to me with the following questions:

"Why would you take the perspective of a few theologians with an arbitrary, ad hoc assumption of an allegorical or figurative account of Genesis 1 to11 instead of supporting the alternative view of other well respected and competent theologians having a literalist interpretation? Does it have something to do with your worldview perspective so that the theory of evolution may be made acceptable?"

As I mentioned in another thread, I'm extremely busy the next few weeks so I asked my brother for help responding to this. He's working on his masters in theology so I know he would be able to put together a response much faster than I would, and he has more knowledge to share on the subject than I do. The following is his response. I will gladly try to defend it with any questions that come up.

--------------------------------------

To start, I’d like to point out that adding the words, “arbitrary” and “ad hoc” to those you disagree with, and “well respected” to those you agree with shows the limited scope of this thread, in that you aren’t here to be convinced otherwise.

Moderator's Note: Just an observation. Your brother, in a recent post, implied that the non-literality of Genesis was not in dispute among "theologians" -- a term he did not qualify in any way. It's a game common to both sides, as should be expected. -- TTPAdmin1

With that in mind, the point of this post is not to “convert” you to my particular view of Genesis, but rather to help you understand that view, as most questions from creationists I see are derived from a lack of understanding. A non-literal historic approach to Genesis 1 is neither arbitrary nor ad hoc, and there is a wealth of reputable scholarly and theological works that illustrate this.

Worldview does play a significant role in theology. I believe that scripture should be essential in shaping our worldview, but we have to understand 3 things: 1) Our understanding of the world in a physical sense has changed since the Biblical era, 2) Our approach to the Bible has changed since the enlightenment, 3) The Bible is not the only revelation God has given us.

These three things affect our understanding of Genesis 1 in a significant way. If you look through church history, the debate of literal vs. non-literal was extremely rare. Both sides existed, and were often both used by the same people, most theologians not seeing them in conflict with one another. One of the rare examples when they are in conflict we can look at is that of Basil the Great trying to refute the symbolic view of the waters in Gen 1:6 that was held by people like Augustine. What we see here is a refutation of symbolism that draws heavily on the ancient world view that water came from storehouse in the heavens that God opened and closed to cause precipitation. To paraphrase Basil, there is no reason to take the waters of Genesis 1:6 as symbolic, since everyone can see there is a giant ocean in the sky.

Our worldview is formed in a variety of ways, and as Christians, we should be testing our worldview in light of God’s revelation to us. This is where I see the heart and intent of creationism to be correct and why I think the Truth Project is a great idea because it is a big push to make people define their worldview in terms of their Christian beliefs. But the Bible is not the only revelation we have from God. We need to remember that, in traditional Christianity, we believe that we not only have Jesus and the Bible as God’s special revelation to us, but we also have creation as God’s natural revelation to us. The special and natural revelations cannot conflict, and when they do, either we are misunderstanding creation, or misunderstanding the Bible. I am not a scientist, but I see no reason to doubt evolution, and neither do thousands of other scientists who believe in God.

This is justifiable cause to re-approach Genesis. I recommend you take a look at Alistair McGrath’s “Christian Theology Reader”. He does a great job of showing how methods of interpreting the Bible have changed so many times throughout history. What is fascinating about this is that even with all these different methods, the church always came up with the same gospel and never found reason to doubt the ancient creeds. God’s Word transcends our hermeneutical methodology! The literal historic approach hasn’t always been around either. At one point in time it was new as well, and worked to accomplish a gospel reading of the Bible in its own context. But now the literal historic approach to Genesis 1 doesn’t hold the weight it used to. God’s natural revelation seems to speak otherwise.

What I propose for Genesis is nothing arbitrary and ad hoc at all, but a system that can be applied to the whole Old Testament: try to read the text from the perspective of its original readers. This is a challenging task, and one that is essentially impossible to do in its entirety since we are not ancient people and our resources on their world are limited. But I think God has provided us with the information we need to do a relatively good job. I don’t believe it’s any coincidence that we unearthed the city of Ugarit when we did. The Bible was getting a lot of heat in the post-enlightenment world of scholarship because of the belief that it now needed to be historically verifiable to be true, and the ancient documents we have unearthed since then have gone a great way to show the validity of the Bible in the face of its atheist and agnostic opposition.

When we try to read the Bible from the view of the ancient world, we are not doing so arbitrarily or treat it (ad hoc) as a special case. This same idea of putting ourselves in the original context is how we understand any document from before our time. For example, any book on John Wesley or Martin Luther gives a historical framework for the works to be read in. If we didn’t realize that “enthusiasm” had an entirely different connotation in Wesley’s time than it does now, when we see he was accused of it the implications of that accusation would fly over our head. If we didn’t have an historical framework to read Augustine’s confessions in, we would completely miss their point. Why not apply this same idea to the Bible?

In the Bible, we gain a much richer understanding of the text when we view it from the ancient world. Suddenly, the Israelites construction of a golden calf in the absence of Moses makes sense. We understand just how powerful God is expressing himself to be when he refers to Leviathan. The reference to Rahab in psalm 89 stops being head scratching. The significance of the draught and the fire from heaven when Elijah confronts Ba’alism are brought to light.

The difference between Genesis 1 and the rest of the OT, is that while the OT contains references every so often to Ancient Near Eastern myth or cosmology, the creation account of Genesis 1 is a hyper concentrated mix of them. Almost every word speaks in and against the ancient world. (I would be happy to provide examples of this, but like I said earlier, I’m not here to convince you, but rather try and help you understand my view. You can also see recommended reading below for detailed discussions on everything in this post). I do not believe the creation story was derived by any means from Enuma Elish or the Ba’al Cycle, but rather that it was crafted to speak against them in order to put for powerful statements about the God who is going to make His covenant with Abraham.

Genesis 1 is first and foremost about God, and when we read it from an ancient world perspective, we see the rich theological messages therein. When we read it from a post-enlightenment literal historical perspective, we miss out... a lot, and we end up thinking Leviathan was either dinosaur or a crocodile.

Fun example of Ancient Near Eastern Mythology being used to describe the power of Yahweh in the Old Testament:

The typical ancient near eastern myth had the high god (we’ll use Babylonian mythology for this example) Marduk, and the god of death Mot, in a constant war and struggle. The high god would often lose to mot in battle, which is when winter came, and come back to life to fight again in the spring.

One of Mot’s (or any god of death’s) primary attributes was the image of him “swallowing” people down into his pit. The notion of death swallowing somebody is very common in the Old Testament. Just search the term swallow in the NASB on Biblegateway.org and you will see many examples of how death and descent into hell is put into words of being “swallowed up”. This is also the way that the death god usually kills the high god.

Now pay particular attention to the imagery in Isaiah 25:7-8a. “On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever.” In this prophesy, we see Yahweh doing what no other god in the ancient near east could…. Defeating death permanently. Marduk and Ba’al always succumbed to death and would rise again, temporarily defeating death only be killed again and again and again. But Yahweh swallows up death itself FOREVER!

This connection is nothing new, and has been used in commentaries on the passage for years, by both creationists and noncreationists alike. Why can’t we look at Genesis 1 in the same way?

Some recommended reading:

Walton, John H. Ancient Near Eastern Thought and the Old Testament.
This book is a great resource for constructing what we can of an ancient worldview, then showing examples in scripture of where this helps. Very easy read and easy format; you don’t need to be a scholar by any measure to understand him.

Long, V. Philips. The Art of Biblical History.
This book explains the use of history in the ancient world, and how it differs from modern history writings.

Skinner, John. The ICC Commentary Series: Genesis
This is a commentary on Genesis that looks at the first 11 chapters from a non-literal history perspective. The introduction gives a concise introduction to the ideas of myth and legend in the ancient world.

Sarna, Nahum M. The JPS Commentary Series: Genesis
This is a commentary that gives a perspective on Genesis 1 that really doesn’t care about creation or evolution at all.

McGrath, Alistair. Christian Theology Reader.
This is a selection of texts throughout church history that shows how our theology “evolved” over the centuries by giving brief excerpts from theologians throughout church history on a wide range of theological issues. Biblical hermeneutics have been far from static, and this book is a great way to illustrate how in all the different beliefs and approaches, the gospel has remained unchanged.

Help! Scared! Angry! In Shock!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 04:57:30 GMT

Anyone that has been in a similar situation, please give me some advise. My 17th wedding anniversary is next month and I just found out that my husband has been into porn our whole marriage and for a couple years having sex at massage parlors and escort svcs. We have 3 kids and one on the way. I can't leave because I love my kids too much to do that to them but I don't know how I can survive in this marriage. My husband wants to work it out, and I told him I do too but as the hours go by I'm so grossed out and angry that I don't know how it will work. He betrayed me and lived a big lie for all these years, I don't know this person he is now. He's taking all the right steps to get it right, meeting with pastors, accoutability partners, praying and reading the Bible more than ever, having a loving attitude toward everyone and he's going to start going to a prodigal international support group. I can tell he's had this big burden lifted from him by coming out with it but I don't know if I can ever give him my heart again or be intimate. Is it possible to ever get past the images and thoughts of him sharing a bond with all these other women. How can I ever live up to what he has seen and experienced. Can I ever love him again or is it possible to fake it for 18 yrs until all my children are grown up?

Please help me!

Infidelity in a marriage which resulted in a baby,Do I stay or go?????????????

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:18:25 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We are Christians. He strayed away from God because of a sexual addition. and recently admitted that he has been having an affair(sexual encounters) with a woman for 10 years! As a result a baby was recently born. As you can imagine this is a shock and a rollercoater of emotions has been happening. We both have been before God crying,fasting and praying. He wants to hold the marriage together by any means necessary. We have two children and that is a major component. I am praying that God deals with my heart. I do love my husband and know I must forgive. This is the law of God. However, I don't know if this is a burden that I am willing to carry because of his stupidity and disregard for the possible consequences. I am lost and could use prayer and advise!!!!!!!!!!!

My 18 year old son, struggling with lust for men....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:58:25 GMT

Please help me. My world fell apart today, I think.

My son left for college and forgot his calculator. I went through his room to look for it, and I didn't find it, but I did find his journal. (To set the stage here, my 18 year old son is a strong, committed Christian and a virgin. At his Baptist high school dating was not encouraged; the kids were taught to date later in life, when they were closer to marriagable age. My son hasn't started dating yet. Unfortunately, my son was sexually molested in 7th grade 3 times by a peer). In my son's journal he admitted to feeling attracted "with lust" for men and is praying to God for help. In a men's prayer group they had a session on sexual sin, and he apparently confessed this problem to the group.

My husband and I called my son today to tell him that we loved him and that we found the journal. We told him that the teenage years are a confusing time, tried to be supportive, and gently reminded him of God's plan for men and women. My son said he WAS also attracted to women, thank God, and that he never followed up on these urges. He said it's been a problem for much of this year, 2010, but he felt he was dealing with it ok.

We plan to pray like mad and stay in close contact with my son and keep lines of communication open. He said he didn't tell us because he doesn't think it is that big of a deal, that he was handling it.

What can we do??????????????????? How can we "make straight his paths?" Are there any resources we can give to him? He reads the Bible daily and was working on Bible studies.....

Help with bisexuality-demasculation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 00:12:16 GMT

My 14 year old son and I are born again christians. He never had his father in his life. He was raised by me and my parents. We still live with my parents. He has been teased since petty young about being girly. I always tried to get him involved in sporty activities so he could develop some guy friends. He said the boys teased him too much, so he always had friends that were girls. He did and still does have some guy friends that would come over and visit and a couple that lived close by, so not all of his friendships were female. He's always liked wearing bright bold colors. The last couple years he has been teased badly about being a f*g or gay. I always defended him because at times, he would make comments about a girl being "hot". So I knew he was not gay. He just started highschool a month ago, and as a typical teenager, he talks on the phone a lot and likes to go to the mall. He told me two days ago that he doesn't see why he couldn't date a guy. I asked him why and he said straight guys are mean to him and "bi" guys are nice. He said he thinks he is "bi". He has no sexual tendencies toward either guys or girls. He said that's gross. I did a lot of crying, hyperventillating, searching on the internet and praying. I found that the more he bonds with girls, the more demasculated he will become, therefore making the opposite sex for him, male. I also found that him not having a bond with his father while growing and very limited bonding with boys also demasculated him. I know with God this can be reversed and christian websites and testimonials say this can be reversed. The problem is I don't know what to do. We have talked much, he is very open and said he has told me EVERYTHING. He wants this fixed, but yet he said it feels natural. I have found that he has a lot of "bi" friends that I either didn't know he had or didn't know were "bi". I believe he has let too much of this sin in his life and it has taken over. I belive with God we can correct this identity mix-up, he is only 14 so we have caught it early. We have decided together that he needs to cut ties with any "bi" or gay friends, he needs to quit dressing in unisex clothing, and stop wearing items that straight kids associate with gays. He is going to rededicate his life to Christ, and we are going to memorize scripture together. He is going to limit his time with friends that are girls and bond with his male friends instead. We are also going to look into a youth group at a local church. He doesn't care for the youth leader at our church. Does anyone have any information I may need in dealing with this? I am sickened by this and feel I may need counseling myself. I can't shake the feeling that I would rather die than deal with this. Please help.

how to respond?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 18:51:05 GMT

My boys are 12 and 9 and they have some friends that are not Christian and attend a Unitarian Church.

They met them at school several years ago, but they live like an hour away so we don't see them very often.

The boys hadn't seen them in almost a year so my son called and invited them over. I talked to their mom and

before we hung up she said that she thought she should mention that my younger son told her son of the same age

that he needed to believe in Jesus or he would go to hell. She said that her son got scared and she wanted me

to talk to my son so he wouldn't say that anymore. I wasn't really sure how to respond. I just told her that I would

talk to him. I don't want to make my son think it's bad to share about Jesus, but just not sure how to handle this?

wwyd?

Thanks!!!

I just do not have any feelings.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 03:49:01 GMT

I have been married for 21 years and for about a year or so I can't be intimate with my husband. I am not having an affair or an emotional affair. I love him but I can't stand to be around him. I don't want to be mean or to turn him away but I almost get physically ill thinking about it and can't get myself to change. I don't know what is wrong with me and even tried to take a medication but it did not help. I pray all the time for God to help me and I just don't know what to do. How can I love him but don't like to be around him. It makes no sense to me. I do not like anybody else or have any feelings for anyone else I just don't have any feelings at all it seems. Please pray for us. Thank you.

My husband does not want to have sex with me

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 02:54:03 GMT

My husband does not want to have sex. He says he's tired or sleepy. He use to say it was because he was depress but he is taking depression medication now. Or he'll say only in the day and I tell him during the day and he will make an excuse. He says he's not having an affair he just does not feel like making love. I have gain alot of weight but he says it's not that that he loves me no matter what but I feel sad and unattractive.

My husband is convinced I've had an affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:09:53 GMT

My husband is convinced I've been having an affair. I have been married for 16 years, have five kids and have never had any kind of affair, physical or otherwise. I have an almost 11 year friendship with a man - we met in school. He lives in another state and although we used to talk frequently, I've not seen him in over 4 years. This friendship never seemed to be a problem for my spouse until 6 months ago when me and another friend (a woman) planned to go on a short trip and made plans to have this the male friend pick us up from the airport and show us around his city. During the planning my spouse tried to help with the ticket purchase and while having my email account open looking at my emails for a ticket confirmation, he took my blackberry and began scrolling through my texts, facebook messages, call log and email (the same email he had open on the computer screen in front of him). When I saw that he appeared to be researching my activities, I became offended as it made me feel like a child and when I asked for my phone back, he refused to return it and the more I asked the more upset he became; yelling that I had something to hide. I had nothing to hide, it just felt so intrusive. My spouse behaved in a way that I'd never seen. He accused me of trying to go out of town to meet up with my friend and have an affair. It was insane. He was a raving lunatic. My friend who was at a funeral with his fiance', was expecting to receive a text from me that night with final flight information. Since my spouse hijacked my phone and was behaving like a jealous fool, I honestlyI didn't know how far he would take it so I emailed my friend and simply said " spouse has my phone I can't talk right now, I will explain later." In essence, I was afraid my spouse would embarrass me with his jealousy so I wanted to let my friend know something was wrong and that I would call him later. I deleted this email right after sending it and my spouse went into my email delete box and found it. That only made matters worse. Since then, it has been completely down hill. I did not go on my trip, was told I could not be friends with this man anymore (incidentally, he was my closest friend) and was constantly on an emotional roller coaster with my spouse. I am a private person and began confiding in my friend more than ever about my marital problems, but I concealed the communication from my spouse. In hindsight, I should have stood up to my spouse regarding my friendship. I soon suspected my spouse of spying on me. He was constantly questioning my whereabouts, watching my every move, etc. When I confronted him, he denied it so I password protected all of my email, phone, facebook accounts, etc. I later found that I was correct because when he couldn't access my accounts, he had to ask me for the passwords to all of my accounts, facebook, yahoo, work email, and work blackberry, etc..which I gave but that wasn't enough. He demanded that I ask my friend to give me 1 year's worth of his cell phone bills so that my husband could examine them. My friend stated as much as he wanted to help me that the request was ridiculous and he refused. He also provoked an argument about my "supposed affair," and lured me off to a deserted area where he made me call my friend while he secretly listened in. Once he heard the conversation, he was convinced my friend and i were not having an affair, and things seemed okay for a couple of days, until he started saying it wasn't my friend that I was having an affair with but that he was sure it was someone. To this end, my life has been a living hell. I've lost most all friends. He has questioned a couple of them as well as my sister. He doesn't believe anything I say. He accuses me all the time and he takes innocent actions and makes them out to be bad things - "evidence of an affair." I can't breathe. I cry constantly. I have turned inside out trying to prove to him that he is wrong, but none of it matters. Last night was the last straw. He accused me of hiding under our bed to use my work blackberry? I was collecting trash that had accumulated under the edge of our bed. I can't even fit under the bed. He confronted me about this at 4 am this morning. He has called me terrible names and says he is through. I honestly have not done what he thinks I've done. I've built my entire life around our family and I feel I can't save it. I've not been the greatest wife, but I have not been an adulterer. I think it's too late because he has become so hateful and he calls me names like liar, and others Any advice?

Help!! Son Inappropriately Touched Daughter

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:10:28 GMT

Help me!

Tonight we discovered inappropriate internet searches on our computer. We asked our 14 year old son about them and he broke down and started sobbing. He said he just couldn't help it and needed help. He said he had prayed and asked God to help him, but he just couldn't stop. Because of the nature of the searches, we had to ask the difficult question about his interaction with our 9 year old daughter.

We were not prepared for his answer.

The unthinkable thing came to light. He said that there had been one or two incidents of inappropriate touching. We tried to remain calm and ask him when these occurred and how many times. His answer is that it happened about 2 years ago when he was 12 and she was 7. He said that they both touched private parts and kissed. We asked specifically about sexual intercourse and he said no.

We are a Christian family and our children have been raised in church. We are completely devastated by this. My son is completely guilt-ridden. He is sorrowful and really does want help. My daughter has never mentioned anything like this in spite of being counseled about inappropriate touching and what is okay and what is not okay. We have had our problems with her -- discipline issues, school related issues, anxiety and self-esteem -- but she has never mentioned anything like this at all.

I am paralyzed with what to do next. I want to help both of my children. I want to make sure my son is okay and can move on to lead a healthy, spiritually secure life and I want my daughter to experience the same -- to understand that what happened is not okay and to find freedom from any problems that could stem from this.

HELP!! I am concerned that if we approach counselors that they might be required to report this to the authorities. But I want to help both of my children.

I need biblical, wise counsel.

Can this be fixed?!?

My Husband CHEATED, I Can't Seem To Get Over It And Trust Him Again

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:30:51 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I am so angry and hurt!!!! I want to start this by saying I really do love my husband, but I am so HURT and ANGRY over this, that I am becoming a prisoner of my own mind. I do have to say that, husband has finally started showing improvement, and showing that he wants to work this out. We have started going to Church again, he started classes to become a member, and has not gone any where, stays in the house, etc. The problem I am having is........ He cheated on me "TWICE", and I can not seem to get over the second one, which in turn has put my attention on the first one also. Even though he is truly trying now, and we are in councelling, any little thing that he does that remotely makes me think of what he has done, or see little things that he does, that makes me think that he is looking to do it again (ie: shaves, wears certain clothes, stupid things that did "NOT" bother me b4, but does now since he cheated).

I can not seem to get over this, and I can not forgive him, what do I do??

Stunned and Lost. Multiple Affairs over many years...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 21:35:48 GMT

So often in society we hear of the man having multiple affairs...Here is my story.

My wife and I have been happily (or so I thought) married for 24 years.Children are almost ready to move away.

A few weeks ago as a result of the other spouse discovering her husbands affair, my wife admitted to me that she had been unfaithful. She has claimed she is sorry and truly regrets what has happened. She has gone so far as to say she was glad they were caught as she felt trapped in the affair and didn't know how to end it.(All the while continuing it...) Within a day we agreed to see a counselor. It was a quick initial visit, but I told her I needed to know EVERYTHING if we were to deal with and save our relationship. At the time she promised she had given me all the details.

The next day I found out the relationship had gone on longer then she had said it did. Almost a year instead of 5 months. Shock, pain, humiliation, revulsion, sadness...Everyone here reading these forums knows the feelings. We went to a permanent counselor the following week and began our sessions. There I told her face to face, in front of God and the counselor that she couldn't lie to me anymore. My heart was crushed but I could see a time that I could forgive her for what she'd done. With tears she promised she would be truthful.

The week went by... a second, a breath, a minute, an hour, a day at a time. I've been crying to God asking him to get us through this pain. We met with the counselor again, and again I said you must be totally committed to this, you must come clean. She vowed there was nothing else. Last week she called me at work and said she had to tell me more. I dropped everything and went home. It wasn't just one affair she said, there were 2 more. She had wrestled with telling me, knowing what damage it would do. One affair started the day before our wedding and continued off and on for the next 23 years. (As if it makes a difference, she said there was a 12 year break in the middle...) Affair number 2 happened years ago when the kids were small and it lasted 2 months...I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I walked out...As a faithful man, God got ahold of me and I came back home that night...why, I wonder at times...

At dawn the next morning she blurts out. "I got pregnant and had an abortion from the second affair............"

It's been 3 days and she has vowed that she's now bared her soul to me and God and there's nothing else left...

Today I sit, scheduled to see the counselor again this week. I've read where Job never lost faith in God through his trials. I always wondered what it would be like to have your heart blasted clean of all emotion, laid open to God, now my wonder has come to fruition. I never in my 24 years of marriage have questioned my faith. The last year I've had a struggle with God's silence in my life, now I wonder if he was somehow preparing me for what lay ahead. I don't blame him for what has happened, but I need to know why it has happened.

My wife has come to me, absolute terror in her eyes of what she's done to me. She's been physically sick the last few weeks, not eating. She's said that she needs to go to counseling to figure out why she has done what she's done. She's willing to let me have access to everything she does... I thought I knew her these last 24 years but I didn't. Yet, I can see her regret at the pain that she's caused.

I promised the counselor at the start of this that I would give it 90 days before I filed for divorce. Little did I know what was in store for me...

The world says simply...leave her NOW. Once a cheater always a cheater. Get on with your life. You'll be the loser if you stay....

But I'm not of this world, I need something, someone to tell me what and why and how... I imagine the destruction our divorce would cause, not just us, but our children, our relatives, our friends...God.

I just need to take the proper path.

Husband left today...now what???

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:37:48 GMT

I have posted here before but don't know how to refer to the previous posts but...husband left today..packed a suitcase and left while my two girls watched...I took them into one of their bedrooms to try to avoid them having to watch his every step as he carried arm loads of clothes up and down the stairs...then left me to explain the whole thing to them-that was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do...I was not prepared for their reaction..it was horrible. I told him a few weeks ago that if he didn't agree to go to counseling that I thought that we should seperate to give us time to clear our heads and decide if we (or he) is willing to get help and move forward with this marriage. I have been in counseling and he refuses to go to the counselor that we saw once together I have given him the name and number of counselors to make an appt. He eventually decided he would go to counseling but has of yet made the appointment. Today walked around with a mad at the world attitude and when I asked him about it we ended up exchanging words..he left for about an hour and came back to pack and left again. I have prayed and prayed and I know that my Lord has His hand on our family but I cannot help but feel alone right now...how can I continue to care for these girls and put on my strong face when all I want to do is crawl under the covers for a few days??? Any advice would be great!!

18 Year Old Daughter in a Bad Relationship

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:41:11 GMT

This past year has been a nightmare for our family. Late last summer, our daughter began a relationship in secret with one of our employees. She is a Senior in high school and he is 9 years older. They were able to keep the relationship a secret until we found out in September. In the meantime, this "employee" had an injury (a questionable injury) on his last day of work and has been able to collect lost wages and disability from our business's workmen's compensation insurance. Because of this, he is able to be available at any time, hanging out in our town and basically staulking her. He comes from a broken home with no father figure, history of abuse, has a drug charge. She has always been a good student, involved in youth group, etc. with goals and dreams for college and beyond. He "became a Christian" this fall, which if true, hooray, but only God knows and his actions do not match his talk. The problem is he uses his newfound Christianity against us, taking scripture out of context and she believes everything he says. We have seen such changes in her and have had so many incidents of bad behavior, we are just lost and hurting. He has tried to take her from our home in the middle of the night, and then called the police when he did not suceed and said we were holding our daughter here against her will and were abusing her. That brought in more police questioning. Thankfully, our daughter said that none of that was true. We have had so many reports of her saying she was somewhere and then find out she was with him. Once she turned 18 she started telling us that she could do whatever she likes, because after all she is 18 and we have no legal rights. We have taken her to a Christian counselor, but unfortunately our daughter only told her what she wanted to hear and lied to her. Once the counselor started to figure out the truth and tried to help her face some of these things, our daughter wanted nothing more to do with counseling. It doesn't help that this guy gave her a cell phone (we took hers away) and she hides it from us, but she is in constant contact with him. I've also taken her to her doctor and started her on a mild anti-depressant as I know she has struggled with self-esteem. She says she wants to live at home until she graduates, but will not commit to her summer plans or college plans. He has told us he will be taking her after graduation. We try so hard to love her unconditionally, but her actions are so hurtful and you wonder what to do. We have told her if she leaves in the night again, she needs to find somewhere else to stay. We also have a 14 year old daughter and have tried hard to protect (and love) her from the situation, but it has been very hard on her too. We have always been a close family, as well as grandparents. She has done some hurtful things to her grandparents too. My husband and I have some great Christian friends and church family who have been praying non-stop for her (as we do) and we know God is in control. It is just so devastating. Please, please pray that she will see the truth and turn her life around before she makes more bad decisions that will impact the rest of her life. Any advise would be wonderful, we're at our wit's end!

Life has been turned upside down

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:49:48 GMT

Recently my husband told me that because of a business relationship with a finance company and mishandling of money that he is looking at a prison sentence of 3-6 years in federal prison. We have been married 19 1/2 years and have 6 children. He has known of this possibility for several years but the investigation has taken a long time. He has cooperated from the very beginning and I guess had hoped that a deal could have been worked out that didn't involve jail time. He is the sole provider in our family and has made no provisions for us to have income while he is away or to pay overdue bills with his company. Now that he has been contacted about a plea deal the time is coming soon so he decided it was time to tell me. I love my husband and the life we have created but I am so angry at him for putting us in this situation. Each day I am faced with the reality of having to provide for my family when I haven't worked in 18 years. I do not have any experience or college education. With 6 children a minimum wage job will not go very far and one child is not in school yet so I will be faced with putting him in daycare. It is hard for me and hard on my husband...we know our time is limited and there is so much to accomplish. He has not been sentenced so we do not know how long this will take. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I can't fix it. I'm angry at him...angry at myself ...angry at everything. The reality of my husband going to jail is not something I can discuss with my family and I don't have any close friends that I could talk to about this. Just getting through the day is so difficult...as I do normal daily activities I think about that in a few months I will be doing this alone. How do we survive this? How do I protect our family from the gossip, provide for their daily needs and prepare for the future for all of us and for his return?e

just found out my husband had an affair desperate for advice =(

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 20:55:41 GMT

not quite where to start. I have recently (3 weeks ago) discovered that my husband of 4 years has had an affair. He knew this person from the past, not well but ended up starting a "friendship" aka full blown emotional affair with this person via facebook a few months back. He then proceeded to take a vacation to see his "cousin" who lives in another state, also where this girl lives. She picked him up from the airport, they went shopping, out for lots of fun, Birthday party, dancing, beach. What started as a supposedly "good frienship" or a "venting friend" that I never knew about crossed the line and turned into "bedroom" friends. He came back from vacation, never told me about any of it. I found out myself when I started digging into the phone bill. I found he had been texting this girl all day long everyday, went from 70-100 text messages to upwards of 600+ text messages, phone calls daily for hours on end at times. When the lid finally blew off, I told him to get out of the house. He told me a few days later the "truth" of what this was, a good friendship blah blah blah..and that he never slept with her. I called his cousin, whom had some involvement in this to confront him...that's when I got the rest of the "truth" and was told my husband did indeed sleep with this girl, picked him up from the airport, etc. I threw all of his clothes out on the front lawn and said bye bye. I was angrier than I have ever been in my life, seething with rage and anger. The very next day I left for the Bahama's, I had a vacation pre-planned with my Mom and Sister. My Mom had won a trip and took us on the trip, needless to say this trip was not a happy trip. This was also the reason my husband gave me for his want to take a vacation to visit "cousin". He told me if I was taking a trip, well then so was he! Which I was okay with, or felt I had to accept since I was taking one without him.

My part in this story is, back after I met my husband, (not married then) I had known him for 2 1/2 months. He moved to another state (state he just visited for his cousin and his affair) he moved there to work, I had known him again for 2 1/2 months. During the time he was there we kept in contact via phone and e-mail, I was very sad to see him leave but understood he needed to. He left in mid December, during that time we had a falling out. I had helped him get a car, I sold the car, I told him he wasn't coming back and I didn't think he probably would. We didn't talk for a week or two. During that week or two, I slept with a man from my past. This happened one time. Fast forward, my now husband and I reconciled and in Mid March he came back to where I lived. Ever since that day I have been faithful, loyal and with 100% only him. We ended up engaged, and married. He always questioned me about the time he was away, he said he always felt something happened between me and this other guy while we were together. I swore up and down nothing ever happened, while we were together. Justifying this in my mind because A. He left me. B. We weren't talking. C. We were not really together in that moment. D. it meant nothing to me and never happened more than that once. Well as time went on my husband couldn't let it go, constantly just kept on and kept on and kept on...til finally one day I couldn't take it anymore and said..ya know what you are right. It happened, it happened once, while you were gone it meant nothing. I didn't tell my husband this until AFTER we were married. I asked for his forgiveness, which he went back and forth with. He put me through the ringer over this for the past 2 1/2 years since I told him...about something that happened over 4 years ago. I just kept thinking in my mind, he's going to take time to get over this. I have known about this far longer, this is newer for him. Well, apparently in his mind this now affair he has had was my revenge and his payback for me. He really feel's no remorse over it, says he did nothing to me that I didn't do to him first. I have tried to explain it's different now, we are married, we have a child, we took vows before God, etc. To him, or his words it is not in any way different for him.

For the past 3 weeks since this has came to light about his affair, I have been on a roller coaster. One minute I think I want to divorce him, the next I am okay, the next I have a million questions, the next I want to talk to her, the next I hate him...it's just a vicious cycle now. He moved back into the house after I got back from my vacation, which I think was a huge mistake and that we probably needed more time apart to think these things over. I say I have forgiven him, but truly I am not sure I have. I drug him to my Minister to speak, he spoke with us for 2 hrs, gave us suggestions on what to do now. We have done none of that, I have seen a counselor and will continue, he has not. I feel like I am now making all the efforts here, when he should be. I am carrying nearly all of the finances of our marriage, our money is separate, I owned my house before he met me..so he doesn't feel he needs to pay for that. He tells me he gives me the money help he can and that's it! He's not even paying 1/4 of the bills, nor for our daughter. I have told him we need to work on this and find out the reasons this has happened to begin with. He said he needs to work on his stuff, I need to work on mine. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. I am ready to throw the towel in and say forget it. Not to mention my trust for him is completely shattered, what is marriage with no trust.

I had to ask him to remove her from his facebook about 9 times before he finally did it, I had to tell him to end communication with her, should that not be something he just DID. He also does not have me as a friend on his facebook, which has always bothered me and still does. He also does not have his status on his facebook as marriage. To me, he's inviting the sharks in to swim in the water. He had said before if we get back together and work this out both of our facebooks would be cancelled. I said what did I do? Why should I cancel mine, I am not asking that of you, I am asking you to be respectful, add me as your wife and friend. I still do not entirely trust that this person and him have truly ended all communication. How do you go from talking to someone that much, to all of the sudden...STOP. He's told me about how sweet she was, she gave him everything he needed, all sugar plums all day long, she didn't work so she had more time to do that also, I keep comparing myself to this other woman constantly. Her looks, how she took care of herself, how she took care of MY HUSBAND. I am driving myself INSANE.

I really need some serious direction and help on my next steps, desperate.

Here is my problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:08:11 GMT

My name is Ronda and I am new here but I have a concern with my family and it is really bothering me. So here it goes. My husband and I were both married to other people before and his wife left him and my ex husband abused me. Niether one of us have kds of our own but both had step kids. I do not have any conntact with my former step kids except I get a email every now and again but my husband's former step kids are in his life in fact one lives with us. He is 22 and is working on getting his GED he has no job and he really does nothing all day! It is really making me angry I fell like we are trying to have our own family and this is getting in the way. He gets a samll check since he is disabled mentaly. he lived with us for a while and it worked out real well for a while then he went to vist his sister and did not come back for three months now he is a total diffrent person and not for the good. I have tried to discus this with my husband and he never wants to talk about it. We are just starting the process of doing the froster care to adopt program and I feel Like we need to concertrate on us. I just do not know what to do. I am triyng to change me by dealing with my issues and my hime and marriage and I feel like I am doing everything and they are not doing anything. My husband beleives in God but does not like church and hates the music and to have to give up his bad habbits no way this boy is the same way. any advice would be wonderful.

Thank you

Ronda

Need help with my 6-yr-old son!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:53:44 GMT

My 6-year-old son has just started first grade and we have already received a call from his teacher. The teacher said that he isn't listening and is being disruptive when she is teaching. We did struggle with this in kindergarten too but not until the end of year. We are meeting with his teacher tomorrow but I am wondering what I can do with him at home to help him understand that he has to obey and be respectful. I am really struggling because my heart breaks because I know he can be a sweet little boy. When he is alone he is very well behaved and so loving but when he is with other kids he just wants to talk to them and play! I don't want him to get catagorized as a "bad kid". Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Letting go of an abuser

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:41:08 GMT

I will do my best to keep this brief. I was married for 14 years and had 3 children. We divorced (never thought) and 6 weeks later (at a dark time) met D. Within the first 30 minutes he said he was looking for a "good God fearing woman". He told me he'd been praying and waiting for me for a long time and was sure I was the one. We married within one year. Within the first month (tax time) he was stressed and I thought I was doing my best to calm him he began swearing at me and grabbed me legs and dug his fingers in. (Abuse - I wasn't sure). Scared me and I remember thinking "oh no, what did I get myself into". He apologized profusely. I let it go. A few weeks/months later he was upset about the kids "whining" (my 3, his 1) and again I did my best to peacemake. When alone, he grabbed my arms, pushed me down on the bed and told me how mad he was while digging his fingers into my arms. The next day I had 10 finger mark bruises on my arms. (Abuse - probably). No apology and I never showed him the bruises. Our 1st anniversary we went on a trip and I ate a 1/2 a candy bar while he was napping and the next day he found it and was angry that I didn't tell him or that I snuck it and he choked me, not for long, but hands around my neck and squeezing. He apologized and said I'd married a monster. In shock I let it go (for the time). The last instance we were having a disagreement and when I turned to leave the room he kicked me in the rear so hard it sort of sent a shock thru my body. I'd had it, I turned and told him never to touch me again. He pushed me down on the couch, pinning my arms and legs. I did the only thing I could and spit (sprayed) in his face. He moved me to the floor, held me down and spit in my face over and over and over. Until that day I'd never fought back but when he got up I slapped him right across the face. He slapped me back much harder and back to the floor and spitting on me. I immediately got on my knees and asked God to forgive my part in that and then apologized to D. He told me I should be sorry. From then on he refers to "our physical issues" because I fought back so he isn't the problem, we are.

We began counseling at my insistance but he didn't like one so we'd see another, didn't like so saw another, etc. I went alone to a counselor and also thru my church. We separated (also at my insistance) and eventually divorced (I filed). Worse than the physical acts were the name calling, jealousy, control... He says he's a christian and we go to a great church and hear the same messages so I just don't understand. I mean I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! He uses the "n" word, curses in normal speech and can just be plain mean. I don't see the love of Christ (while I don't want to judge). He still blames everything on the kids and I and says its my fault because I don't forgive. I have never fought so much with confusion in my entire life...I still love him. I pray for him. I believe God can do anything and heal anything. I want that but only if and when He says its time and I know He hasn't given me any peace about that. The divorce was finalized and I still can't let go. I shouldn't say can't, just struggling and it's hard as he uses scripture to back himself up and point out my faults. He insists we're meant for each other and that I'm the one holding the restoration up. I feel like I'm swaying in the wind which I know God doesn't want. We were separated for over a year. I didn't take any of this lightly but finally had a peace about letting go. Feel like I'm living in a constant state of distraction and limbo. Any prayer, Godly advice, support would be greatly appreciated. So much for keeping this brief.

Thanks,

MDCAV

Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 03:46:49 GMT

Is the grass greener? I thought it would be--14 years ago. I was married for 24 years to my first husband. We were married at an early age--I was almost 20 and he was almost 23. We didn't have a perfect marriage--but it was comfortable and we did love each other. Unfortunately, there was infidelity--first on his part (both times when I was in the last term of my pregnancies). I forgave him and life went on. But something sacred had been broken--our wedding vows...

A few years later I crossed the line--for a moment--and then confessed and he forgave me. I always considered myself to be a "good girl" and never thought that I'd be unfaithful--but something happened to me--I became addicted to the thrill of pursuing and being pursued. I stepped over the line a few more times (emotionally--not physically) and then, at my husband's request--I had breast augmentation. I really wasn't in favor of this--but he had been asking me for 15 years--to have it done--and I finally gave in. It wasn't anything outrageous or out-of-proportion--but it really affected me in a way that I didn't imagine. Shortly after the surgery I started becoming more brazen in my extra-marital excursions. What started out to be flirtations and emotional liasons were getting closer to physical intimacies. Finally, I crossed the line. I met a man during this "bubble" time in my life and quickly became physically involved with him. I told myself that he was the one that I should be with--not my husband. I really convinced myself that this was right and that I was married to the wrong man.

During a moment of conscience--I confessed to my husband that I had been unfaithful. He was very angry--but I told him that it would not happen again. The "other man" moved out of the state--but I kept him in my mind and heart. I didn't see him for 25 months and my marriage was growing stronger. But then--I got a letter from him--saying that he was coming to town. All those feelings that I had kept in my heart and mind came back to the surface--and I was unfaithful--again. When he left the state after our brief connection--I became determined that I would have him in my life; and so I continued to keep the contact alive--even though he lived 12 hours away and I rarely saw him.

He never wanted to break up my marriage--but I told him that he was the one I wanted to be with... He was finally ready to have me move in with him. I was ecstatic. He was the love of my life--my knight in shining armor. I told my husband that I had continued to stay in touch with "the other man" and that I wanted to leave our marriage to be with him. He was crushed. He did not know that I had remained in contact with the man. He told me that he forgave me and wanted me to stay. He wanted us to go to counseling and offered to buy some books on marriage, etc. But my heart was hardened and I can still hear myself saying to him that I still loved him--but--I was "in love" with the other man. I also justified my leaving him by saying that it wouldn't be fair to him--if I stayed married--and always wondered what my life would be like with the other man...

Well--I left him and left our 17 1/2 year old son--and went to live with my "knight in shining armor..."

Shall I say that God's Holy Spirit went to work on me immediately? But I was so proud. I had put so much into this storybook fantasy--that I didn't know how to go back home to my first family. So I stayed with #2 and we got married 10 months later. Has this second marriage been the life of bliss? No. As I said, the Holy Spirit finally was able to reach my heart--and I was on my face before the Lord. I asked for His forgiveness and I know that I am forgiven. But life is not perfect and it amazes me just how blind I made myself--to obvious red flags--when I was so full of fantasy.

The one good thing that has come of all of this: I am a Christian--now. I've been reading from the Bible ever since I finally turned my heart back to God and His word. "Love Must Be Tough," was a book I had read-- before the affair. But I went right down the road--anyway. I used to see the book, "Men are from Mars--Women are from Venus," but never picked it up and read it--until after I had chosed the wrong path.

I can't count how many times I have sobbed my heart out--alone--and wished that I could undo what I have done. I am reaping what I've sown--more than I've sown--and longer than I've sown.

Please be warned: DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER Obeying God's commands IS! God does forgive--if we ask--but he does not remove the earthly consequences that follow our actions/choices. I never dreamed that I would break up my family and disrupt the "family tree." I was NEVER going to get divorced...

Message was edited by: Moderator

Responding to his past

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 20:50:24 GMT

Dear Focus on the Family community,

I am in an ideal relationship with a wonderful, Christlike young man, and I have never felt so cherished. We were praying about getting engaged soon when questions about the past came up. I knew that my boyfriend had slept with someone a number of years ago and felt deeply regretful about this. However, he just shared that he had also been sexually immoral in relationships since then, including just several months before we started dating. He had felt so filthy and down after the first incident that I guess he lost hope and strength for better, and began to rationalize his actions. He is a wonderful spiritual leader and seems to be victorious in every aspect of his life except this one. I have always wanted to keep myself pure for my future husband and have never so much as kissed anyone, so we have held high standards in our current relationship. I know he has been relieved and renewed by being able to seek Christ with me, and he wants to raise a strong Christian family with me. However, I am hurt and surprised by his recent actions, I am concerned that he wasn't able to maintain high standards until he was with me, and I am worried that it might be unwise for me to be engaged to him. I'm not so concerned about the past, but should I be concerned about his character?

I would appreciate your advice and prayers!

I told my husband my secret.... now what?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:14:02 GMT

Okay, before I get to present time, I feel as though I need to explain myself. I am, and always have been a very insecure person. I grew up with divorced parents from the time I was 2. My mother was sexually abused and suffered through major mental health issues including eating disorders, alcholism, depression, and attempted suicide several times. She was in psychiatric treatment facilities several times in my childhood. One time of which I remember going to a camp and coming home to find out my mom had tried to kill herself while I was gone. (With all that being said, my mom was a wonderful mom, and gave me everything she could, she just had some major personally issues to deal with) I grew up feeling like I had no control in my life. I tried very hard to control everything on the surface that I could, my friends, boyfriends, even my mother. But deep down I was lost. You would think one that could identify this about herself would be able to change it. I tell myself I need to, I try, but you can't get rid of those feelings. Whenever a situation comes up that I feel the need to control, I know how I should be acting, but it doesnt change the way I feel, and I struggle greatly with making the decision between what is right, and making myself feel awful!

WIth that being said... My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I met him my last year of high school after coming out of a long, serious relationship. I had lost my best friend (my boyfriend). And it killed me. He was the one thing I thought I had control over, and it was gone. My husband now, was told from day one from my mother that I was controlling, and I was doomed. I wasnt given the chance to change, because anytime I did become controlling my husband mentioned that I was being controlling, and I felt defeated in my efforts. Well to make a long story short... I moved to the city that he lived in, about 3 hours from the town I grew up, and went to college. I knew no one there but him and his family. And although I met people in college, trusting relationships are hard for me, and I struggled. The summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college was rough for myself and my boyfriend. I was his first girlfriend... he wanted to know what else was out there. He didn't cheat or anything, he just was ready to move on. Needless to say, I was devastated. I gave up my life for him, moved to this city where I knew no one, and felt so alone. I was desperately seeking someone who loved me, and who I knew wouldnt leave me.

So, I did the stupidest thing any young girl could do... I stopped taking my birth control pill for about a week. Looking back, I didnt think I would get pregnant, I think it was just that control in my life when I felt like I had none. I felt like that was the only thing I could do about the situation. Needless to say, I got pregnant. My husband and I got married 4 months later. We had the most perfect little boy, bought a house together 4 months after he was born. I finished my 4 year nursing degree, he worked. And on the outside everything looked like we were handling life great. We faught alot over really dumb stuff. I still feel alone in this city. All the friends I did make in school now are gone, and everyone else I am close with is through him. We have never seperated over anything, just grew apart. Now we are to the point where we don't even put the effort into fighting over things. Which I guess makes part of it seem like things are going better, because we don't fight anymore, but I really feel like the feelings are missing now. This past May we decided to try for our second child. I was pregnant my first cycle off birth control again, and am now 17 weeks pregnant.

To the point of my question.... 2 evenings ago my husband and I were actually playing a game and watching the lifetime movie about the high school girls a couple years back who made a pregnancy pact. About 3/4 of the way through the movie, he just came out and said something about me getting pregnant on purpose. I denied it but he kept bugging me about it. Finally, I was honest. I told him that I did stop taking my pills on purpose, but I did not truly believe I would get pregnant. Part of me was scared to death, the other part of me felt like a tremendous weight was off my shoulders. I had told the only secret I have ever kept from him, the secret that ate at me on a daily basis and I was dreading taking to the grave with me. Well, needless to say, he wasnt happy. Pretty much the only dialougue I got from him that he felt like his life was based on a lie, and that he just couldnt stop thinking about what our life could be like now if we wouldnt have had our son, and if this pregnancy was the first and it was planned. And although he wont say it to me... I am farely certain he is thinking about how I stole his young adult years away from him... which I did.

At this point, I can't take it back obviously, and I cant make him feel better about it. But what can I do? This is the worst week ever for it, being that I work evening shift at work all week and literally will not see him the entire week! It is eating at me. He won't talk to me, which kills me because I am a talker. I am trying to give him the space that he needs, but I am making myself sick over it. Part of me is frustrated he is reacting this way because there are so many worse things I could have done that would have been me not wanting to be with him. But my mistake was something to showed how much I did want to be with him. But I know that isnt the right way to think, he has every right to be mad, I just don't know where to go from here.

Please help!

We made our daughter break up with her boyfriend. Was this the right decision?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 23 May 2010 03:10:08 GMT

All along, my wife and I decided that it was the best thing for our daughter to wait untl she was 16 before she could start dating. Well, she came to us near the beginning of the school year to ask if she could date this one boy. Her reasoning was that she didn't want to go behind our backs so she was being up front with us in telling us so she wouldn't have to. Well, stupid us fell for it. The boy is also not a believer, which doubled the problem. The worst part of all this is that the church we went to wasn't good and the people in her homeschool group were condescending and snobby. Now she went into public school and the kids in public school were more accepting of her than the darn church was!

Time passed. My biggest fear as the girl's father was that she would be drawn into the sex trap. I always told her, "If a boy tells you he loves you before he's 25, he's lying. He has no idea what love is and only wants sex." I know because I was not saved when I was younger.

Now we found out that she has gone too far with the boy. I'll leave it at that. We had never felt good about this relationship from the beginning and now our worst fears have come true. She is only fourteen and when I found out what was going on, I knew it was my duty as a parent to end the relationship. This has been extremely difficult because the boy has been good to her, but the sexual freight train has started to roll and it is a matter of time before the train crashes in full.

Obviously we can't ask the uncaring people from our church because they will just find another reason to look down on someone. So, hopefully, we can pose this question to a group that will provide us with some wisdom on the subject. I'm sorry to be so mad at this point. There just doesn't seem like there are many places to turn right now for wise counsel. I appreciate your feedback.

Desperately needing advice on emotional affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:50:24 GMT

About a month after our first wedding anniversary I found out my husband had placed his profile on several dating sites. His profile read that he was looking for someone to share his life with and he was getting over a bitter seperation or divorce. When I confronted him about the issue he got really angry with me and wanted to know how I found out. I had asked a few weeks before whose name he had written down on a piece of paper he said it was a old friend from his trucking days. I found out this so called friend was not who he said it was, it was a girl on one of the dating sites he was on. The pain I felt that day was like someone reached in and ripped my heart out. We met with the pastor who married us and when he was asked why; he put the blame on me for my being to controling and not letting him do anything when he wanted to do stuff. At the time I was working two jobs with close to 60 hours a week trying to pay the bills, this was putting a strain on my health. I ended up in the hospital meeting with a crisis counselor and for several syncopal episodes.

My husband was not able to find a job due to the economy and health issues that came up during the first few months of marriage. My only issue was I felt he was not spending enough time with me and more time at his parents, friends and ambulance calls. I am an EMT and he is a ambulance driver, it was thru our respective volunteer fire companies that we met and was married a year and half later. Before the wedding he tried to tell me that we had to postpone the wedding because of money issues and even since we have been married he feels we would have been better off not getting married because of him not having a job. I was very understanding about him not having a job and the issue of not being able to find a job. I was looking for a fulltime job, beacuse I had went down to on part time job that consisted of me staying away during the week due to only having one vechile. We was seeing the pastor every couple weeks and during this time period my husband said he would take the profiles down. A later times I would find he had been back on the profiles, so in Nov of 2009 I got him a facebook account so he could talk to his friends and me online. After a upsetting conversation with the pastor, we decided that we needed to not go back for a little while. He left for Tennessee for a trucking job, after seeing the doctor on the job there he was advised he was not in the physical condition and sent back home. This was another blow to his pride; he told me he felt like he could not do nothing right, that no one believed in him, and that he was not able to be a husband to me. Christmas passed and the new year rolled around things was seening to get better, but in truth it was not getting any better.

I was already struggling at my work with a co-worker and also with my mother when I was staying down to got to work during the week. At home I just wanted to be able to spend time with him, but it seemed like if his dad or anyone else called he would go running to assist them leaving me in the dust. This was wearing on me and making me more upset that I did not know what to do anymore; I was questioning staying in the marriage and even God. I decided to try to spend my sunday mornings trying to get myself out of bed leaving my sleeping husband behind with the hopes of seeing him after I got back from church. I found a wonderful support from ladies in the church and I met another lady my age with some of the same issues from our backgrounds. I come from a very abusive home, my mother was verbally and sometimes physical to my dad and myself. My little sister escaped most of the abuse, due to her health issues. At the age of 13, I was sexually molested by a classmate for 2 years at a small private christian school. Even at the tender age of 15 I choice to wait for marriage, even though it was going to be a struggle for me. It was from this background that I came to a point that my heart was led to helping young girls thru life's issues. In Feb of this year I gave my testimony of my past at a ladies retreat, it was so freeing to tell someone else. My husband has told me I still need to talk to a counselor, the counselor I had before the place closed advised me that being a speaker would be one of the best things for me to do on this issue. We started going to a local pastor who is a professional counselor in our local area. The pastor advised us we need to work on communication, and gave us a assignment of one date a week. I have tried to set up the dates and let my husband set up the date nights but it seems something kust does not work out right.

In late april of this year I was able to find a fulltime job as an EMT, within a month of finding the job we was able to get a place in the lower income housing to help out on the cost of rent and housing. It was around this time period that a "old friend" came back into his life, this woman wanted to meet me. I was just not very sure of this issue, due to my husband carried an old photo of her in his wallet. My husband chose to talk to her more and I met her one day. She seemed nice at first, but after a little while her sarcasm and comments wore on me. One night she asked my husband to go out to the bar with her for her birthday, they called me and told me what was going on since I was at work. When time came for my husband to come pick me up, he was not there. I was very upset when they showed up, finally. A second time while I was away at work she decided to call him to go out to the movies with her, I happened to call to say goodnight to him and the phone call was cut short. The conversations I have had with her over time, she tells me that he has talked to her and told how much he loves me, and that he does not know why I do the things I do. I had chosen to walk away from her, because she upset me with her comments. When I told my husband that I felt the friendship needed to be stopped, he grew very angry with me saying he is not giving any of his friends up at all. The other day I tried to talk to him after having a long talk with my pastors wife about things. He tells me do I ever do anything right in your eyes, am I not doing enough trying to keep things going.

Very recently he was hired by an temp agency, so he has been working over 40 hours a week. Health issues still hit us, more him than I. Every wens evening he comes down to pick me up from work and hangs out at my work till I am done. A situtation came up at work where a male co-worker commented about my husband's attitude and asked me if my husband was having an affair. My husband overheard me talking to a church friend about the situtation and was very upset the question was asked and said no he was not having an affair.

I am emotionally exhausted and broken, I do not know how to communicate to him, I am trying to keep working and being at home only two-three days at a time. Because of my job involving working on weekends, I am unable to make it to church. This is something I hate so much and I feel I am getting lost without that time. I have been blessed with a part time job that does not take up as much time and will help with the bills. Thru that job I have been blessed to have a support group of ladies to call or go, too. I want to heal our marriage and I know deep down our Lord and Saviour can do that.

A biting 2 year old....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 03:01:44 GMT

My just turning 2 year old has recently begun biting other children as well as myself. (the mother!) Her older sister who is 4 yrs. old now also went through a horrible biting stage. It's the most horrible feeling being the mother of a child who bites. I have received a lot of judgment from others and have been made to feel like I'm a bad mother or that I'm doing something wrong. I have tried biting her back, spanking, time out, etc. and can't seem to help her see it's wrong. She is a very active child. Most of the time the victim has done something to upset her or I also think she feels threatened. Some of my family seems to link everything to generational sin and feel this biting is part of that. We have prayed over her and pleaded the blood of Jesus on her life and asked any evil thing in her life to flee.....help, I feel so lost! I'm to the point that when we are at a family gathering I always have her in my sight so I can see what's going on...I feel so sad about it.

How to deal with willful disobedience and defiance in 14 year old?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:01:54 GMT

I am at my wits end. My son was never a bad child; we homeschool, were careful with associations, and have always tried to instill good values in our son. He is now 14, and it is as though he is a different person - he went from being motivated with his schooling to letting anything slide by, and it is a chore to get him to complete his assignements (and forget about learning, he gets the work done when hounded and prodded, but he retains little if any of it), he was thoughtful and kind, and now he will stare me right in the eye and tell me he will not do what I am telling him to do. This "change" started taking place a couple of months ago when my husband and I decided we were sheltering him too much, and he needed to be able to choose his own friends outside of the homeschool and church group. He befriended a boy in the neighborhood whose values do not necessarily coincide with ours - my husband and I figured this would happen eventually, whether at work or college some day, so we could use this as a learning experience. However, it has backfired on us majorly.

For example, yesterday evening, the neighbor was with other neighbors that we draw the line with our son being around (these are adults, and more so, they are adults who have had issues with the police, the boyfriend beats the girlfriend, and a myriad of other issues we'd rather not have our 14 year old around). Of course, we told our son he was not to be outside with them, and he stayed in. Afterwards, I sat down and explained to him that if his teen neighbor friend was having those sorts of associations, and acts the way he does around them, then we are going to limit his coming over here, and our son going to the neighbor teen's home - I said until further notice, he is not to go to the teen's house, and the teen is not to come here. This caused an explosive response from our son. He stood there, and repeated over and over, right in my face, how he WILL go where he wants to go, his friend isn't bad, how I am the bad one for being so judgemental and how I am the one being mean and how I have problems, and I need to stop lying about people (he insists my saying the influences are not being the best is a "lie" and that my saying it makes me a rotten person). This morning, bright and early, it started all over again, with him standing in the doorway of our home, yelling that he will go where he wants, how can I be such a rotten person. He then proceeded to yell when he saw one of the adults we don't want him being around outside, "so mom, tell me right now what is so wrong with the neighbors and why you insist on saying bad things about them" and smirked at me when he was done, almost like a challenge to engage the male adult I don't want him around. I was shocked he would pull something like that! I told him (as calmly as I could) that I will not tolerate the disrespect and defiance from him, and he kept getting angrier, telling me what a rotten mother I am and asking how I can live with myself being this way. He stomped to his room yelling that if he is defiant it is "rightful" defiance and he is not sorry for anything (I told him he needs to reflect on his behavior and what sort of person he wants to be) and insisted I was the one with a problem, shouting down the steps "even if" he was defiant it was "justified" and that I am far worse than him for my "lies" about his friend, and being so judgemental.

I simply do not know what to do. I have tried talking to him calmly, explaining why my husband and I feel this way, my husband has talked to him, we have both shared how we understand how it's hard to be a teen and how he may not understand why we make the decisions we do but it's always for his own good and so he can have a good life. He will throw it back in our faces saying how we are only trying to ruin his life and keep him from having fun and friends, and how our decisions have no impact on his having a good life at all.

I just do not know what to do. Right now, yes, he is in his room and not at the friend's house like he wants to be, but that does not address the issue of his attitude. Even if we can control his behavior (restricting him to his room) there is still the bigger issue of his attitude, it breaks my heart seeing him act like this, and getting a glimpse in to his character changing like this. I am also afraid of what will happen when he is older, if he acts like this, and he is closely supervised (when the friend is here playing video games, my husband and I check on them, and my husband will even sit there and watch or play the game with them), and when he is at the friend's house, he has to check in often, and we know who is there while he is. If, with that supervision and being 14, he does this, what will he do when he is older and with a lot more freedom. I am so afraid that this is the "real" him coming out, and I worry for him, we wanted him to have a good life, that is why we homeschooled, raised him in a loving, Christian home, provided him with the things my husband and I never had (we are far from wealthy, but do the best we can to ensure he has what he needs, and to a degree wants).

How can I reach his heart and make him understand that how he is acting is so wrong. Every time we address something, he turns it on us, defending his and his friend's behavior and saying my husband and I are the "bad" ones for being so mean and judgmental.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated, I do not know what else to do. I've read Dr. Lehman's New Kid by Friday book, and applied what I could, but it has not been helping. We've prayed, we've pleaded, we are at our wits end.

Re: Have you read "Love Must be Tough?" (part 3)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 19:21:18 GMT

Continuing your conversation from the previous thread ...

Dear TC, Thank you for the things you said. Well, my husband stayed out of contact until an hour before lunchtime today, when he called to say he was on his way and had just switched his phone on. 'Something' has happened. He is very upset about whatever it is (to the point of being tearful) but says he doesn't want to talk about it. I have asked all sorts of things that I guessed it might have been- contact with the other person, someone was there that shouldn't have been on his night out last night, did something he shouldn't have at a nightclub, but he just says no to it all and that he doesn't want to talk. He has gone out for a walk just now, so I have been praying that it will all come to light. I pointed out to him that if this is something 'big', and I find out later when he has covered it up, that will be worse....

Dear emadiane, I will pray for wisdom for you James 1:5, Jeremiah 33:3. I would agree with MDJ that you wouldn't want to do anything that might 'backfire' on your own marriage- that was what always put me off contacting 'her' last year when I first found out, as I knew my husband would be livid.

Dear kitkat, I am so sorry each day is so hard right now. I will pray for God to fill you with his peace that surpasses all understanding.

Take care all of you,

stillhopeful.

Trust and Growth issues

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 23:09:26 GMT

I am recenlty married six months ago. My husband is a great guy, but struggles like any other. When we first started dating, he was not walking with the Lord. He says he was saved when he was 18 at a church, he says he walked down the aisle and prayed with a pastor. He was not raised in a strong Christian home, but they are all good people and believe in God. When we met, his "in" with me was asking for my number so he could come to church with me. He has come to chruch with me every sunday, just about, since we've been togehter. I have made a huge mistake of making him feel like he needs to be a "super Christian" or at least on his way there to be with me or make me happy. He will pray with me on his way to work, at my request- he does a devotion here and there and will usually try to tell me about it, just to keep me happy- and he goes to chruch with me on Sundays, but I doubt he would go on his own. I do have to say that when our pastor at chruch presches (who he has really developed a decent relationship wtih), he is stirred and looks forward to talking to me about it when we get in the car. But, I feel as if he is doing this all for me now, and I don't know what I should do from here to make this about Who it should be about. I made the mistake of marrying a young believer who is not anywhere as intense about his walk as I am. I know God wants me to stay with him, and I am going to- but it gets discouraging and I get upset with myself for falling in love with him. I really do love him and I believe that God has us together for a reason, but this time of "discovery" is so discouraging. I have made him feel like he has to be perfect to be with me. I have caught him hiding little "sins" here and there, like chewing tabaco (he's a baseball player, guess thats what thye do?) and he just seems to shelter me in general from the world. He was very sorry for hiding the chewing issue- but did I just set myself up for failure? I don't know what to do? I try to encoruage him to grow, but he probablly sees it as me molding him into who he needs to be to be married to me. We are trying to get active in a small group, but our chruch doesnt have sunday school so we goto another church for sunday school sometimes. I know he needs male accountability and encouragment, but he works horrible hours and its hard for us to be involved in much consistenly. I will buy him books and remind him to do his devos and ask him to pray- but rarely does he to me. I'm very discouraged and would appreciate some Godly counsel.

Teenage responsibility when there is illness in the family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 01:27:41 GMT

Hi,

I'm the mom of eight children, five grown, three at home. I have been sick over the last 7 months with GI issues and have finally been diagnosed with a bad gallbladder and am scheduled for surgery next week. I have two 16 year olds and a five year old at home. This illness and not knowing what it was has taken it's toll on our family, I've had to expect more out of the older children but have still tried very hard to let them have time away from the house. My husband has had to work over 80 hours a week to purchase good health insurance so I can get this taken care of. We have always been moderately strict about chores and such. I'm hoping my recuperation isn't going to take that long and that it is the answer I'm praying for. I'm just wondering if I expect to much from my kids to try and be there for me before and after surgery. My husband will be off for two days, but we need their help also, especially when he goes back to work. Even though their good kids, they still have a tendency to make me feel like helping me during this time is the last thing they want to do. It seems like their peers can do anything they want, I have a really hard time being the disciplinarian, especially when I'm sick. Thankfully my husband does back me up when he is home. How much am I supposed to expect out of my teenagers? I really have a hard time with this, because so much was expected out of me and I was an only child. Would love to hear others take on this because I feel very alone in my standards, and am wondering if I'm to stringent.

Marsha

12 year old daughter and attitude

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:31:41 GMT

My 12 year old daughter has been extremely moody lately. Rude, disrespectful and it seems that nothing I do or say is right. Is this due to her age or could it be something else. I really didn't expect to deal with this until she was a little older. My 16 year old son didn't start his "teenage" stuff until he was 15.

My 6 year old is throwing temper tantrums.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:24:05 GMT

My 6 1/2 year old son has started throwing major temper tantrums and fits when he doesn't get his way. He screams, kicks, throws himself to the ground/floor, and cries. We have tried ignoring him, putting him in his room with the door shut until he calms down, taking privileges away, rewarding positive behavior and days....not much seems to be working. It doesn't help that grandparents and aunts/uncles tell me that I am being too hard when we discipline the negative behavior and that by removing privileges we are punishing others and not just him. I feel like I am at a loss. My husband and I are stressed and can't figure this kid out. We are sure that he will grow out of this eventually but how do you teach him that it's okay to be upset, and cry even, when things don't happen the way you'd like but you can't throw a fit and try to get your way? How do you tell grandparents to step back and let you raise your child? How do you deal? It's bad enough that my 4 year old, when asked by his pre-k teacher "What do you do the night before Christmas", answered her with "I water the tree and ** is throwing a fit and crying. He's not getting any presents." While that's funny it shows me that my youngest realizes that this behavior is not good. Why can't my 6 year old?

Homeschooling mom at wits end...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 10 May 2010 22:18:38 GMT

Hi,

My 9y/o makes homeschooling difficult everyday to the point of I just want to scream and run out of my house! My K5'er is always having to wait til older sister calms down and we can continue with the work. It's not fair to her because she LOVES school and begs for more. For instance, today my 9 y/o screamed and cried because I asked her to look up some homonyms in the dictionary. She took an hour to do the project which should of taken 10 minutes. I offered to help her ... she just wanted me to give her the answer! To say she is strong willed is an understatement. She craves the drama is seems like. She would rather cry her eyes out than just do a simple task! I am not asking her to do anything she is not capable of doing. I have been homeschooling because of the things she was exposed to in public school. We cannot afford to do private school at this time. I really want to send my 9 y/o back and homeschool the K5'er but feel like that will cause a jealousy problem. I also feel like not giving my younger daughter the same attention the 9y/o has had all these years is not fair especially since she likes to be at home for school. My husband and I both agree that the relationship between my 9y/o is not getting better in this situation and neither is her drive with her academics. I am getting to where I am not enjoying being around my 9y/o because everything is wrought with a big crying session. How bad of a mom and I? I am aware she can pick up on this. I am just at my wits end. Her emotions are all over the place... I told my husband I was worried she may hit puberty soon. She gets angry, embarrassed easily. She does not exert effort for anything... sports, home, etc.. unless she thinks she can get something out of it. I do not want to bribe her to do things she should do just because she is a part of the family and things she needs to do to succeed in life. I am scared to send her back to school but cannot take another year of this! I just need prayer right now. I am so scared she is going to end up being more defiant as we reach teenage years. I feel like I am failing her! Thanks for your help!

Those Who Endure Sound Doctrine Until the End Shall Be Saved

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 14:18:31 GMT

Hello,

I am going to put a few scriptures down and link them together in the following paragraphs. This is just some thoughts I am diving into as I do the Truth Project. Just dabbling it it a bit...my study started in Matthew 24. I am not an expert in Matthew 24. I know there is division about when this passage is talking about...some believe it has already happened...some believe it is still in the future...some believe it is only for Isreal. That is not my focus, but feel free to comment on anything you think is helpful.

In the gospel of Matthew, Chapter 24, the disciples ask Jesus what are the signs of the end of the age and when will it be? Jesus answered very specifically concerning what is the ONE spiritual sign of the end of the age...massive deception. He says, "Watch out that no one deceives you." (v.4)

So, Jesus first talks about the evidence they will see in the spiritual realm, and then he addresses the physical or the "natural" signs in the form of earthquakes, etc. Then in v. 9 & 10 he says that because of deception, "many will turn away from the faith and betray and hate eachother, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many." (My interpretation: Because of false teaching, the "fruit" we will see is betrayal and hatred instead of the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22: love, peace, joy, faithfulness, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, and self control. So, a general statement---not only relating to the end times---is that when deception kicks in, something wicked happens in the human heart...God's Spirit is quenched and our fruit is rotten.)

Then, finally, in v 13, Jesus says, "but he who stands firm until the end shall be saved." (NIV).

The NKJV uses a different word in v. 13 which says, "But he who endures to the end shall be saved."

My question here was: He who stands firm endures WHAT until the end shall be saved? Stands firm in the faith seems too obvious. So, I looked a little deeper and found 2 Tim 3:1-5. In it, the word "endure" is also used as it relates to the last days.

Paul says: "But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be...unforgiving (bad fruit)...having a form of godliness but denying its power (the power of the Holy Spirit). And from such people turn away!...For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers (my thoughts: teachers without the Holy Spirit); and they will turn their ears away from the truth." (NKJV)

Those who endure sound doctrine until the end shall be saved.

Taking the whole passage in Matthew 24 together, "sound doctrine" is what keeps us obeying God's commands...it is what keeps us from having rotten fruit. It is what keeps the power of the Holy Spirit at work. All of these things work together in concert and bring us to the finishing line. People who do not have the Holy Spirit will not endure sound doctrine. They will be deceived. They will not endure until the end.

Other scriptures:

John 4:24: "God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

1st John 5:7: "And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is truth.

John 18:37 (The foundational verse for the Truth Project): "Jesus answered (Pilate), "You are right in saying I am a king. In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth."

John 16:12: "I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you in all truth."

Mark 3:29: "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blashpemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

My initial thoughts....my studies are just in their initial stages...any other observations?

Picked On, Teased and Bullied Webcast: Sports

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 21:23:34 GMT

On the playground, during what was supposed to be P.E. (but was actually a glorified recess) my son (9, he is 10 now) was bullied. When the boys picked teams, my son was not only picked last, but some of the other boys would groan and make remarks such as "We don't want him on our team; you take him." or "Nobody wants you here why don't you play somewhere else." Now he's not interested in sports or physical activity of any kind believing that, since his peers told him he wasn't any good at the games they were playing, he must not be so why even try. I'm frustrated he has a good arm for baseball, which previously he had always enjoyed, but now refuses to even pick up the ball and mitt and play catch. How do I help him heal and get past what happened to him? We did not re-enroll him in the school he was in and opted to homeschool him and his sister instead. It's still an uphill struggle as this was not the only area he was bullied (one kid accused him of being gay, because we would not allow him to take a girl on a date to the movies. It was 4th grade!)

Emergent Christian Theology

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:12:13 GMT

So, curious what folks on this forum think of emergent christian theology, Brian McLaren, etc....?

Need reassurance just kicked out 21 & 20 yr old sons

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 00:00:52 GMT

I just cant stop thinking if we did the right thing. Ive been asking the Lord to care for them, but I am feeling quilty that I am eating, warm and going about my life.They left hurt and mad and did not even say good bye.l Love them and they need to grow up. But with todays economy was this the right time.I am so confused.

I want to stop my divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:35:43 GMT

My husband filed for divorce on Mother's Day due to 15 years of arguing. Since then I have been on a mission to win him back. The best book is "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle as well as "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian. I'm also reading "Real Love in Marriage" by Greg Baer and "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page. Hubby is out of the country (since June 13), returning July 6th. I want to have his palace clean, peaceful, and stress-free. I want to attract him back. There's no other woman or addictions, just major conflict. These books have helped me understand MY part in the conflict. I welcome any other advice. Since I marked this as a question, does anyone have additional advice for me, especially to maybe "blow him away" when he comes in the door after being gone almost a month? Thank you so much! ~Anne

How can you be the strict parent in a split household without losing your kids?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:18:01 GMT

My husband and I have only been married about 2 months. I know that our family is not going to blend immediately and this will not be an easy process. His 8-year-old son seems to really be having a tough time adjusting. Sunday we were greeted by an officer as we left church. The son had texted his mom prior to church saying he was being beaten with a mop. This did NOT happen. My husband had bumped him on the foot with the mop (he was mopping the floors at the time) to get his attention because he was too busy watching TV and was not listening to instructions from his father. We are not sure how to handle things, the kids went home with their mom after talking with the officer even though we should have had them 6 more hours before going with their mom. We are stricter with discipline in our home than their mother is. We don't buy them everything they want, and our impression is they are quite spoiled at their mom's house. We don't want to back down on our standards, but fear what the consequences may be if we don't. Since he got to go to the house where he has more fun and fewer rules as a result of this, will he try it again? What happens the next time, will the officer believe him? If anyone can offer advice on finding balance for our children as they go back and forth between homes it would be very appreciated!!

Picked On, Teased and Bullied Webcast: Concerned about Freshman Son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:28:38 GMT

My son is a freshman in high-school this year. He is very quiet and reserved and does not like to be the center of attention. He doesn't feel comfortable asking questions in class when he doesn't understand the work. Even at home while working on homework - he won't ask for help when he is struggling. How can we make him feel more comfortable in his surroundings? I worry about him constantly. How do I get him to come out of his shell?

husbands jealousy taking a toll

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:34:35 GMT

My husbands jealousy is taking a toll on our marriage. We have been married for 19 yrs. but for the past

5 we have really had some struggles with his jealousy and insecurities. He accuses me of cheating on

him at least once a month. He gets angry if i do anything with anyone other than him or our children. He

is driving me away and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I put up walls every time he accuses me

just as protection. I feel like if I harden myself to him he can't hurt me. I know this is not good for our marriage

but I don't know what else to do. We have a huge fight at least once a month because of his accusations and

my defending myself. Than we make up and all is okay for another month. I don't want to do this anymore.I

feel like he doesn't want me to find pleasure in anything except him. If anyone has a word of

advice for me I will really appreciate it.

need help with disobediance

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:31:41 GMT

My children are 4, 6 and 8 years old. There is a lot of fighting and screaming going on.

Both at each other and me. I need help with obediance and respect. What kinds of

consequences do I give and how do I teach them to obey me and get along with each

other better. I am feeling very discouraged, and like a loser parent.

Lack of Attraction; feel like a jerk, don't know what to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:18:45 GMT

I just am not attracted to my husband physically. I remember having small concerns about that when we dated and became engaged—he was not what I “always dreamed of” physically and my attraction to him grew very slowly. (We started as simply friends. He was attracted to me from the start visually. It was two years before I developed feelings that went beyond friendship, always very firmly rooted in the emotional connection. Perhaps a sign of this struggle which I now face?) He is the man of my dreams on all other levels and I had no big reservation deciding to marry him—I did not want to be so shallow and critical of his looks, allowing "Hollywood" to tell me what was most important on so that I wouldn't marry this guy. You probably think I must be a very selfish person. But now I feel like I'm married to someone that isn't satisfying physically to me....

I absolutely hate it that I come in contact with other men that will make my temperature rise and I have to run in the other direction because there’s this involuntary attraction to them that’s very strong. I have a wonderful connection with my husband and I would say I have a good marriage on all other levels. I enjoy sex with my man, but in terms of the sexual fire, my husband is way more “taken” by me than I am of him. People joke that he "married up" when he married me - and that kind of talk doesn't help me; it encourages me to agree! Then, along comes a random man I don’t know, and I’m powerfully attracted to him! Arg! I know sometimes the struggle we have is not against flesh and blood and that the enemy would love to break up a marriage in ministry (we are in visible ministry). Sometimes I wonder if I am under attack this way. I know that love is action, commitment, choice. I have grown up in the church with an awesome marriage to witness between my parents. I am not considering divorce. My marriage is still young and I want to cultivate that which will help it thrive over my whole life in ministry with my man.

Not to muddy the water, but I do struggle with an eating disorder (I have experienced a lot of healing there), but I wonder if my criticism of his looks stems from my own wounds and insecurity. Not having feelings of attraction is a real thing however...I just don't know if my issues are responsible for a large or small percentage of this lack of fire? I don't have a lack of fire towards others!?

I desperately want to look upon my husband in pleasure. I want to thrill to his touch. I know that marriage is work—it’s good work, and I want to know what I can work on for this. I struggle with physical attraction toward him and want to know what I can DO about it. I want to serve him and really act out actions of love. What if I feel like I’m doing this, but I’m still struggling to find myself attracted to his appearance and struggle with even wanting intimacy? How should I pray? Out of my mental battle with this came a moment where my husband caught on and I had to admit to him my low level of physical attraction toward him and mentioned I thought it would help if he gained some weight. Now I've hurt him. I feel like the biggest jerk and I feel like one of those people who have hurt me that way in the past. I've brought up an area of insecurity for him as well that he thought he was free from in our marriage. I feel like I've totally messed up and made things awful...could I have avoided this hurt and pain by fixing myself mentally somehow? I'm always trying to do that though...sometimes it's not me. I don't want to make impossible demands on my mate and make him feel disrespected. But right now I cannot help the feelings I have and I guess it's probably good that they are known by him so we can try to address it lovingly together...not sure where to turn.

My husband is very demonstrative with his love and always tells me how blown away he is by my looks, and it makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to lie to him—I want to be able to reciprocate. I can’t even believe I’m writing this in some ways, but I am tired of the nagging reality on my end that I just am not stirred sexually by my husband and I am bombarded with thoughts seemingly out of left field that tell me he is “funny looking.” I do not believe that sexual passion is wrong when in the context of marriage. Not only that, but godly marriage ought to have that. What can a wife do to cultivate attraction to her man on the physical level—the other levels are there for me! I believe it pleases the Lord for a husband and wife to really have passion for one another. I am willing to do what it takes to make sure this is strong on my end as much on his end, but I need guidance. I would want my husband to tell me if I had gained too much weight and that he wanted me to lose weight for my health and for his attraction level. Perhaps my request of him is no different--doesn't feel good, but ultimately is good???? I don't know where the healthy line is!

Is there so much here that I need to seek counseling? Or that we should do it together? We have been married less than 5 years and I want to jump on this before it errodes in our relationship. There's already fear, hurt, confusion...

Separated considering Divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:45:54 GMT

My husband and I have being married for 5 years. Our marriage has being on the rocks from the start, nevertheless we always seem to overcome our challenges. A few months ago, a crisis happened in our marriage that separated us. Through this crisis I have discovered some very dark secrets that my husband has being carrying. Throughout our entire marriage, he has slandered me with his ex-girlfriends, his family and my family, basically anyone that would listen to him. He said that I hurt and he wrote somewhat demeaning things on facebook towards me. He changed his status from married to single. In addition to this he is involved in pornography,and is attempting to have affairs. In fact, he probably is having an affair. He said that he is not returning home because I hurt him and I told him if he's this unhappy he should give me a divorce and he REFUSES. I told him I would get the papers but I know that he will not sign it. We have a child together, which makes things complicated.

The odd part is I was ready to submit the divorce papers after we got separated but the Lord sent several people to witness to me. I truly want to move on with my life because my husband is not fulfilling his role as a spouse and he has hurt me emotionally and I just want to end things. How can this be worth saving?

As the days go by it's as though I'm getting over him. In fact I'm doing everything in my power to erase the pain and enjoy my life. We've only being separated 3 months, while I do love him, I dont think it's fair to me to have to go through this. I think a divorce would be best but everytime I start the process of obtaining the papers again something inside is stopping me.

Am I being overprotective?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 17:50:25 GMT

This is my first post.

I am recently divorced. I divorced my husband due to reoccuring problems with Rx drugs and alcohol and because he was driving the children without questioning whether he was impaired or not. In 16 years we have been to countless counselors, gone through marriage studies, he's been thru rehab and detox facilities, we've tried separation. I stayed until I just couldn't anymore. He's been convicted of a DWI and has been in at least 4-5 wrecks, fender benders in the last few years. I was able to get a TRO in place to block him from driving but now that has been lifted even though there is proof he is not sober (my children found alcohol bottles in his trash can.) It's been a tough, ugly year. He thinks all I want is to control him and keep him from his kids. He is still against the divorce even though he treats me horribly. He sees the kids at least every 3 days and I have never deprived them from him, nor do I bad mouth him to them. We have 4 kids, ages 16 to 9. We both have been active in our church for over 10 years but I feel like there is no support or place for me there now. I've reached out to the pastor's for support/help but I am getting a judgmental attitude (because I filed for divorce) and no contact for weeks unless I call him. We have a very good Celebrate Recovery group at our church so he is getting a lot of support for himself and still feels welcome. I can't help but wonder how many other women are stuck in relationships like this with no encouragement from the church to get out. Since it doesn't involve physical abuse or infidility, the church just throws up their hands with nothing to offer. I have to say the Boundaries book and a book titled, Redemptive Divorce really helped me make my decision to leave. I was to believe a good Christian woman just always turns the other cheek...

Here's my question:

Recently, my ex allowed a very respected man from our church who struggles with a porn addiction to stay at his apt for 2 1/2 weeks. His wife had kicked him out of their home (he has children.) I told my ex that our children will not be over there at the same time he was there, even during the day. My ex was appalled at me and told me that his accountability circle agreed that I was being judgmental and self-righteous and was sending a bad message to my kids about the God's grace. He even told me one of our pastors agreed with him. I was assasinating this man's character without even knowing him. I just saw it as drawing a healthy boundary for this situation and for any future "live ins" that might crash on his couch. His friends are almost exclusively recovering addicts of some kind.

Does anyone have an opinion on this?

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Feeling Lost

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:05:06 GMT

I have a very long story, and I am not always good at getting to the point. I will do my best. I grew up witnessing abuse in many forms, and it was clear to me very early in childhood that I must take care of myself, there was no one else who would do it. While I was single it was okay to make mistakes and learn from them. Seven years ago I met a man, we started a relationship and I came up pregnant. I knew he was recovering from an addiction to alcohol in the beginning. We separated before I found out I was pregnant, and I had moved in with my mother and step father. Once we found out my mother was convinced that he was the one for me to spend the rest of my life with, we found him, he moved in and got a job. I was about 6 months pregnant and he got drunk. I told him I did not like him like this and I wanted him to just go to bed and sleep it off. He wanted to drive into town for a second twelve pack. One thing led to another and he threw me across the room. I told him to get out and not to look back. I have not seen him since.

I tried going to a few churches but I was looked down on because I was a single mom. One even told me that I was not the typical type of person they wanted to see come through their doors. Four years ago I got a work promotion and moved my son and I out of the city to a much smaller town. The first week in town my son noticed a church two blocks from our home with a large prominate sign out front, at 3 years old he asked me what it said. I replied "they are having a community dinner on Thursday evening" He asked if we could go. We did and I found a church home that loved, and accepted us for who we were. My son then started talking about dads and why he did not have one. I prayed to God about how to answer such questions. A few months later I met a man through a mutual friend. He was a long haul truck driverso our dating time was done mostly over the phone. After 4 months as winter was coming on he got a trip that brought him close about 30 miles from our home. I asked him what he thought of meeting my son. He agreed to me driving to the truck stop and he would buy our dinner. They were instant friends. My son asked me on the way home if he could call this person dad. I said "No he is not your dad and right now that is not appropriate" The following Febuary when we moved in together I said when we get married you can call him dad. We were married that June. We have also had another beautiful little girl, and he has adopted my son.

My question is now that I am married and have this life I am a stay at home mom. I still after 3 years do not feel comfortable asking my husband for money or for anything. How do I get beyond that? We have tried counseling and that was a disaster. I like being home I jsut want to provide for my own needs. Is that allowed as a stay at home mom?

Dealing with grief

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:01:12 GMT

My daughter got involved with a 22 year when she was 18. She moved out Jan. 30th in with him and within 5 miles of our home , I have not seen her since. She turned 19 in April. She moved out because I could no longer allow him in our home, she was not forbidden to see him. He was controlling, manipulative, deceitful and driving a wedge between herself and her friends, church and family. She has sent a few hateful txt and or emails. In July my sister passed away suddenly and unexpectly and although daughter was notified by her father she did not communicate. Now she has sent an email stating her dad never called her back (he did not know he needed to-she never even told him she had moved out) so she assumed I did not want to hear from her. If I do not respond she will never contact me again. I am still grieving the loss of my sister and had been grieving the loss of my daughter. I am not inclined to respond at this time would appreciate another thought.

Long term illness, grieving, and others

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:53:09 GMT

Hello and thanks for reading this post!

I am not sure this is the correct place to post so if it's not please let me know. My husband has been very ill since he was 2.5 years old. He has basically never had a normal life. We married when I was 25 and he was 29. We will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this fall. I married knowing he might not have a normal life expectancy and I might have to work and support him for the rest of my life. At this point he is partially in a wheelchair, dependent on oxygen most of the time, home on disability. He was just rejected for a lung transplant because his health is so poor he would not be able to withstand the surgery. People who are approved for a lung transplant have less than two years to live. I am not saying he will die within the next year or so, God is the one who holds the keys from life and death, just trying to explain the context here. There is a faint hope that he might be able to get better with a very expensive experimental treatment if I can find the resources and a way to transport him across the country (I don't think he can fly). Outside of that he will basically slowly suffocate to death. He is the most wonderful guy and we have had a fairy-tale marriage I think mostly because of the fact that we are faced daily with the awareness of life's frailty, constant pain, and never ending limitations. My problem sometimes is other people. I think that both my husband and myself with God's help have been able to face this to the best of our ability. What I try to do is just be honest with people when they ask about him without being negative and I try for them to see how in many ways this has transformed our lives for the better. Sometimes though when I say what really is going on with my husband people are not able to carry the fact the he is basically slowly dying and shy away from us because they don't know what to say. They don't know how to deal with grief. How do I handle this? This is our everyday life and it's hard to judge how people will react. What do I do when they start shutting down? I don't go around just telling everyone, this is people in church and work who I am friendly with. How do I handle people who are shying away from my husband? It is hurtful to him. Also how do I react to platitudes that people try to offer when I try to ask for advice like: you just need to trust God (no duh!), God knows what he is doing, etc. I know they mean well and they just don't know what to say but sometimes I feel like I come out of the conversation like a complete loser. There is a lot I need to bounce off of other people like what to do for the future, how to handle long term care, if he eventually should be vented, how I am going to financially manage this, family reactions, etc. etc. Sometimes I just need to talk about it in order for me to clear my head and sometimes finding the right person is hard.

thanks,

Lenka

I need some help in the worst way

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 00:05:55 GMT

Alright there is no easy way to put this so I'll just place it out there. For nearly 12 years I had battled with pornography, through the help of God, my wife, and a group of men that I meet with I found release from that battle. But that is when things started really going poorly for me. Things started with little compliments from a lady at work who was always telling me how lucky my spouse was to have a man like me, this continued for a while and then as we got more comfortable there was some innapporpriate joking. Then a full fledged internet relationship. I rationalized that these were just words and how could they hurt. It never got into talk of actually having sex and it never got physical but the compliments that we shared became more and more racy, we were very innappropriate, we had an emotional affair. My wife knows, she found out 3 days ago. This never had anything to do with dissatisfaction at home, I LOVE MY WIFE. She says that she will not be leaving me and that one day she will forgive me because she needs that. But I know that I have placed a cloud over our relationship that will not easily if ever go away. I am hoping that there is someone on here who has gone through something similar to what I have put my family through and has some advice. I know that God can heal all, but this is a spot where I don't see how.

Rob Bell, false teacher?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 01:50:32 GMT

I recently started attending a study on TheTruth Project and a member in our group brought up how he really liked Rob Bell and his book The Velvet Elvis." I have for quite some time had concerns about Rob Bell and his teachings. I tried to explain my concerns about Rob Bell's teaching but the leader of our group basically in kind words told me to shut up. Since the group is supposed to be about talking about truth and a Biblical worldview, I am pretty disheartened. I feel Rob Bell is a false teacher. In the book The Velvet Elvis he states that while he believes that Jesus is the son of God that it doesn't really matter if Jesus is the son of God. That's one example. I never made it through the whole book but from what I had read it was clear that Rob Bell was definitely questioning the validity of scripture. Also, his teachings are decidedly lacking in Jesus Christ being the son of God who died for our sins...that Jesus had to be the holy son of God, the spotless lamb, to cover our sins. That's not what Rob Bell purports in his teachings. Also, one of his Nooma videos went so far as to state that Peter sank in the water because he lost faith in himself. He never mentioned that Peter sank because he took his eyes off of Jesus and was focusing TOO much on himself. I think we all sink when we take our eyes off Jesus. I am a little perplexed to have my concerns discounted, especially given the fact that the purpose of this study is the pursuit of truth. Rob Bell dances around things and says he is not part of the emergent church movement. However, whatever he considers himself to be, I see him as a false teacher. But I am no great theologian and I would welcome others' thoughts on this guy. I know Rob Bell is a gifted writer and his writer voice is very palatable but I think that makes it all the more dangerous that his teaching is so off base. I am, admittedly, a little discouraged by my group's response. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Encouragement?

Husband assault charges, What do I need to do now?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 04:11:39 GMT

My husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for a few months now. But it is much more serious now. A couple of nights ago he was intoxicated and hit me when I would not "cuddle" with him. He also shoved me in our bedroom right after I told him I didn't want him to sleep next to me because he hit me. After all of this he went to sleep on the couch. So I went to my parents house (with our daughter, she is 7 months old) and I called the police, but it had been 3-4 hours since it occured. The officer came and took pictures and a voluntary statement from me. When the officer went to our place to see my husband he said there appeared to be scratches all over his body. He wanted to know if I did that intentionally. It was in self defense, I don't know what was said but apparently my husband told the officer I was hitting him.

It ended up that my husband was arrested and brought to the county detention center (jail) and he is being charged. I did not choose to press charges, it is something they legally (the county) have to do to protect the victim and family. At this point I do not know what to do/say because I won't know anything about his charges and fines until after the hearing tomorrow. I am very nervous and anxious to hear what the judge says.

This is a very situational occurance and he has never been to jail. I am not justifying this by any means. I am just trying to say my husband is not the type of person to be found in jail or in any serious trouble. So I do want to be able to talk to him, when the county allows that, if he is willing to talk to me. The problem is, I don't know what he is feeling and thinking about all of this. I really want to go to marriage counseling with my husband or alone and try to work things out. For now I can only hope and pray that he feels the same way. I have been praying for the Lord to soften our hearts and to guide me through this.

Please pray for our family and the healing of our marriage. Thank you

What does "beauty must be beautiful" mean?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 00:48:05 GMT

This came up in our group regarding the slide on "Is Beauty Relative?" Dr. Tacket explains that for something to be truly beautiful it must be good, true and beautiful. Calling Beauty beautiful is a circular reference. How do we then define beautiful?

Has anyone else gotten stuck on this one?

Suggestions for mother/son talk

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:52:46 GMT

Hi, I am the mother of an 11 year old, 6th grade boy and just looking for suggestions on how to have the talk with my son. Where to begin, what points should be made, how much for now and what to save for later when he is older? Are there any books that I can use as a resource? We started last year talking about physical changes that will happen with boys but that's it so far. I feel we need to move forward with the talk because he most certainly will learn things in school that I don't want him to learn. Thank you!

its over....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:11:17 GMT

hey its me again. I am writing to let everyone on here to know that I give up. I tried everything. I implemented love must be tough. She says that she needs someone with backbone, whatever that means. She feels that she makes all the decisions which is not true. When it comes to dating, i'm usually the one who decides where to go but she'll say she wants to go somewhere else. So we'll usually go to what she is in the mood for, which i don't mind at all. but when it comes to serious decisions like money and bills, i'm the one who decides which money goes to what. I'm an easy going guy and i don't like confrontation. I like to keep the peace with no fights because thats all i ever knew growing up. her main complaint is how she doesn't love me, never did love me and if she does choose to stay, the marriage has to be sexless. I can't live like that where love is only going one way and there is no sex involved. I have tried praying with her but i know she is not "there". physically she is there praying with me but i know that she isn't "there". I conduct bible study with her but she is distant. she grew up in a church setting where praising God is emphasized. I come from a church backround where emphasis on bible history and apologetics is emphasised. there was a time when she would read the Word and ask me the history behind a certain verse in the bible and i would always be joyful in explaining. and the fact that she is in love with another man who is married who happens to be her exboyfriend. she admitted to be on contact with him at one point but would not tell me what was spoken so i hacked into her email and pulled it up. i'm not even mad at the guy. He told her exactly what i wouldve told her. she had told him how she loves him but dismissed that by telling her how the grass isn't greener on one side. I have prayed and prayed for God to move but its seems that things have only gotten worst. I dont understand how could this be happening. I love her dearly, so much...but i cant live in a state where i am neglected, unloved, and striving to capture something that isnt there. where i am being emotionally and verbally abused. trying everything and sacrificing everything is an understatement. i still want to hold on to hope, but there is no hope to hold on to...my health is deteriotating as a result of all this mess....if there is anything else i should do...please tell me...i fear that this marriage is doomed to fail...

Husband Lies About Chewing Tobacco

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:37:27 GMT

Hello

I need some advice desperatey. Since we were married six years ago, my husband has had an on-again off-again addictiont to chewing tobacco. I first discovered it after a year of marriage...and since then, he has consistently failed to be completely truthful when confronted about it. One time, I found some on the carpet in his car and when I asked him, he said it was dirt...come on, really? Another time, it was beer. He had had some in the house, and then one day, I caught him hiding an extra beer can behind some cans of paint in the laundry room. Last week, I smelt smoke. I asked if he was smoking and he said no....truthful, I guess. Then when I asked him when the last time was that he had chew, he said two weeks ago. After grueling questioning, it was discovered that he did not indeed bum some off of a buddy...but when I asked if I were to check his car, what would I find...he brought out a whole can of it!! You bought that didn't you, I asked...he did. He then went on to admit he had had chew that very night....not two weeks ago, like he first tried to claim. Bits of truth kept spilling out until I think what I got was the whole story....still not convinced of that. I kept saying it did not make sense that his lips tasted of smoke....I am not stupid. This is the last time. Next time he tries to lie to me, he is moving out until things change. We are going to meet with a pastor at our church. I don't know if he's ever told me the whole truth...ever. Other than lying about tobacco and alcohol (in the past), currently it is about chew, he is a great guy. I am so in love with him and he is a great dad....I just can't stand being lied to....any thoughts?

what is marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:55:21 GMT

I have sooo many questions... so bear with me my dears...

I am engaged. He is wonderful, my soulmate. God has spoken to both of us, and our family(most of them) that we belong together. We never dated. We were simply best friends, twins, inseperable, to engaged. Our best friendship just grew to deeper love and commitment, and God let us know.

Simple.

But my question is what is marriage?

Does one need a marriage license?

Or is it just in front of God?

Or is it when God tells two people they are soulmates?

Or is it a religious ceremony in a church?

What IS marriage?

What is marriage in God's eyes?

Is Cohabitiation marriage in God's eyes? If two people live together as husband and wife does God see them as such?

(other stuff you might need to know to help answer: I am 18, very young in many people's eyes to want to get married, and He and I are planning to get married in less than two months, married as in visiting the courthouse and nothing else planned...)

Homeschooling in Georgia

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 02:51:16 GMT

Greetings to all, We are new to Focus on the Family forums, however, would like to know if there is someone reading this post that can help us with information about who to contact in Georgia in order to start homeschooling for our two children. We will be moving from Newport, RI to Athens, GA within the next three months, but would like to start homeschooling while still here in Rhode Island. We have been doing our "homework" before making our decision, and have read a lot of information about the Georgia laws on homeschooling, etc.

The dilemma we have is--which program should we use, since we are not familiar with any as of yet, and although we read these forums, we still have not get the insight we are looking for about an affordable and effective program out there. Our reason for homeschooling is to keep our children in a safe Christian oriented environment, and ensure they are learning good Christian values along with the right subject matters they need to succeed in college. We are tired of the insistence the public schools shows in influencing them with a lot of nonsense that goes against Bible teaching. Remember, we do not want to continue reading about homeschooling; we already understand the concept and would like to find a valued program to make a decision. One child will be a junior this year, and the other a second grader. God bless you all!

Jorge and Tirsa

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Has anyone read Flowers For Algernon?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 04:53:39 GMT

Hi, my 13 year old son has been assigned Flowers For Algernon for required reading over the summer for his gate/honors class in middle school. I read through the book and thought the sexual content to be highly mature, loose and unGodly. I feel like I am the only one as a few of my christian mom-friends don't have any problem with the book. I know that I am conservative, but am surprised to feel alone even among christians... I would love another viewpoint even if it doesn't agree with me. He is my oldest and I am just trying to figure out what in the world I am doing!!!!

Thanks!

Husband Just Confessed Yet Another Affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:14:11 GMT

I really need help. I'm in such a bad place. My husband came home in July from a six month deployment and confessed having a two month affair.

A little history - My husband is a Christian man who loves the Lord but has a self control problem and is an admitted sex addict. We have support groups in our church we both attend and have been through years of counseling on and off. We have been married for twelve years. Along with looking at porn from time to time, the first time he had a physical affair was first deployment years ago. He called immediately and admitted it and was so "sorry" and swore never again. Second and third time a few years within each other and same thing. It hit me hard, like a ton of bricks.

This is a guy who knows the avoidance techniques. He knows the Lord and wants so badly to walk with God and live in his will. He has read the books and has the accountability partner, blah blah blah. We have tried so hard. WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH!!

I am at the end of my rope. Barely hanging on. It is devastating and ruining everything in my life. From my relationship to other people right down to sleeping. I have gotten to the point where I have to drug myself up (prescription drugs) to sleep and still wake up crying half way through the night. I have nightmares and he is the "boogeyman" in my dreams. I cannot get it out of my head. It gets harder and harder each time. I tried to kick him out but felt sorry for him and feeling like I'm wrong because I just want to punish him.

I know what your thinking. I have prayed and prayed and I have so much faith in God that he will love me and take care of me. I totally trust in him and would do anything he asks of me. I can't hear him right now. I have not been able to hear what his will is for me. We are talking about ten years of this battle of porn, affairs, etc. Our relationship isn't even where it should be because of all this getting in the way.

I just need to know if hoping his hopeless. I am praying and I know God hears. I love the Lord and have peace in him. Its my husband who brings evil into my house and diversity into our lives. He invites the devil in every time he gets back from a deployment. Takes a peaceful, loving house and turns it upsidown. I want so badly to know its all going to be ok with him. I want him to have that passion in his heart for the Lord that I have and the passion in his heart to seek God's will for our life but I can't make him do that. I ask but that is all I can do. He goes to church, he checks off the boxes in his list of "right" things to do but his heart is not there and I know it.

Please if anyone has been here before, please share with me. I know nobody but God can tell me what to do as far as kicking my husband out or sticking it out. But some advice on coping along the way until I hear God would be wonderful. The pain is unreal. Anything....

Thanks for listening, God Bless.

Says he won't compliment me b/c it leads to sinful thoughts. Reasonable?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:32:05 GMT

I am dating and soon to be engaged to a wonderful Christian man. I know he loves God and seeks to follow Him, and I know he loves me too. But he really struggles with sinful thoughts re. us having sex. Which I find incredibly flattering, I have to admit! But he never really compliments me or is very expressive about his feelings for me, and that bothers me. I've told him a few times that I really wish he'd compliment me more, or at the very least send me cutesy cards or a quick note here and there. I really don't think I'm asking for much. But he says he tries not to think about how I look because it leads him to impure thoughts. Also, there are times we're together when he acts really distant. This has happened a few times, and he's told me later that he was deliberately doing that because he felt the impulse to kiss me/etc. So he was trying to keep some space to protect me. But from my perspective, during these times, it looks to me like he doesn't want to be with me--like he's having a terrible time!

I believe wholeheartedly that he's telling the truth here. And I've seen it in other ways. And I have no doubt that he loves me, and I know he wants to keep our relationship pure. I personally think he's swung to this extreme because he did have sex before he became a Christian, and he doesn't want to be tempted. We have strict physical boundaries; we only hold hands, and sometimes he puts his arm around me. We never kiss or hug, and we're never alone in either of our homes.

Is it unreasonable for me to need more validation from him? To know that he finds me beautiful? He tells me he loves me all the time. Am I jsut being selfish? Also, I am really tired of going out with him and feeling like he'd rather be anywhere else except for me! I know he's struggling with temptation during those times. And not all dates are like this. But am I justified in feeling really frustrated during these times?

Thank you so much for reading this! Any input would be sooooo appreciated.

Should Pastors have a Degree?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 14:55:34 GMT

The reason I was asking is that I have just been licenced by my church and by the mercy of God will possibly be ordained next year. The church that I belong to is independent however they belonged to a movement which did not require a pastor to have a degree. They did offer classes tought by Elders of the diferent churches for the newly licenced preachers. However I have noticed that not having a degree narrows the positions that are available. Myself not recieving the call until I was 43 I'm finding it a hard road to travel. Messages come easly enough through prayer, fasting, and meditation on the word. Doors just don't open easily partly because of people at my age who are preaching have degrees. I'm sorry that I don't but to work in construction one just doesn't need it. I heard it over and over that whom God calls He qualifies, that just doesn't wash in the real church world. Help and advice will most greatfully be appreciated.

husband...text messages...calls...another woman...."friendship"

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 20:57:39 GMT

We have been in the ministry for several years and the hardest part for me is the women attaching to my man. My man is not always seeing it and doesn't set clear enough boundaries. We have been experiencing several difficulties for the last few months. It has been quite trying.
Well, I have noticed a "friendship" between my husband and a young woman about 10 years younger. She is kind, sweet and has some emotional issues. I knew he had counseled and befriended, but I had a bad feeling. I then noticed large numbers of texts and frequent phone calls going both ways. This week I noticed this "weird" attachment to his phone. I picked it up one day and she had sent a message. "I love spending time with you. I am looking forward to..." Also something about "smothering me not at all" I began reading it then he showed up and I clicked off of it. I felt like what I was doing was wrong or violating. Crazy. huh. Then I made a call and set the phone down. He picked up the phone. Looked at it and deleted the text messages. He asked if anything was wrong, and I didn't really reply as I wanted to pray and think before I spoke. He realized that I had seen something disturbing. He called her and set a boundary.   Well, I was unsettled so I started checking the occurrences of text messages. You can't get the info texted, but the last months number bothered me. Hundreds and Hundreds of messages. I have not looked as closely at phone calls but there are plenty of them.
The next day I calmly sat down and talked to him. I knew I would be honoring God if I handled this well and attempted to do so. He admitted this was out of hand. There was too much communication but nothing else.   I explained I felt this had to change and he said it would be taken care of.   He didn't say he had already spoke to her. Later I explained that their had been hundreds of messages in a month if not more. He agreed this was out of line but only a friendship. Now with more looking I have seen this was going on for atleast 3 months. It quickly increased. I didn't even realize they were "friends" or talked much when this started. Many text conversations would begin at 11:00 at night. (I think this is when she gets off work.) Sometimes these conversations would last 1 to 1/2 hours. Many many times it would be night after night after night. On our vacation, he texted and called her after I was asleep. (More than one night) She called and texted also. The more I look the more I find. I have asked "how do you define this "friendship"   What are you texting and talking about? His responses were texting about just anything and it is defined as a friendship that he should not have with another woman. I know she shared many of her struggles and he shared his.
During this time, he would occassionally complain about marriage issues. He says there is not a link.
I am so scared.
1st     I feel betrayed. I am not trusting that this didn't go farther. He says it didn't but let's get real.
2nd    I don't know what to do. He just says it is taken care of. I was wrong. I am sorry.
3rd     I am an emotional basket case. I keep a strong front for all especially our children-no clue at all.
4th     Today he said I am fishing for something not there, but everytime I look at past records I find more concerns.

What would you ask him? I can deal with an affair of sexual nature more than an emotional, love affair if that makes sense. The thought of him having a better friendship with another woman is heart wrenching. I am handling this well with him. He is complimentary on how I handled this. I have put his feelings as well as hers above mine which is so crazy. I pray and it feels so dark yet I feel my father's embrace. He has comforted me. I have no one to talk to about this except through prayer.
If anyone can take the time, I really need prayer and advice.
What would you do?        What would Christ do?

The Very Best Homeschool Curriculum, in your opinion?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 04 May 2010 02:16:20 GMT

I am starting to homeschool for the first time this year with my daughter in 1st grade. I have looked at Lifepac by Alpha Omega and My Fathers World. I like Sonlights approach to education but it is to expensive. I was wondering if there are any homeschooling moms who could give me there opinion on the VERY best curriculum that is not time consuming, (I have 2 other small children), not boring, and at the same time will keep my daughter up to par. I hope my question makes sense. I greatly appreciate all responses. Thank you!

Google's New Worldview

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:14:46 GMT

Talk about "worldviews"... Google Earth has become even more spectacularly revealing, as they take a dive into the world's oceans. How does this change our perspective?

Continue to the article

Prayer needed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:11:43 GMT

I am need of prayer for my marraige and family. My husband has lost his job and is now I am the only one working I was going to start school online but I guess I will have to wait on that but what has really got me so upset is that when I was triyng to talk to him he just walked away from me that hurts me when he does that. So we talked and I thought everthing was ok. As we got ready for bed we talked and Felt overwhelmed i am going through a lot my dad has just been diganosed with Alzheimer and now this, so I stared to cry and when I did he got mad told me he was going into the living room and watch tv if all I was going to do is cry he said that he did not know what he was suoopsed to do or say but he was leaving again to the living room. So again he walks away. I am giving my all to our home and our marriage and I have even asked him to go to a counsler with me he says no I think that he is scared that someone will tell him he is worng about something. ijust do not know what I do know is I am hanging on to God and his grace that is the only thing that will see me through. thank you for your prayers.

Ronda

Marriage and God

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 23:18:02 GMT

Hello all,

I was wondering if a believer were to marry an unbeliever, would this be a sin? Would God view this marriage an actual marriage? Would the believing spouse be obligated to treat the unbelieving as the Bible says, submitting to them and etc...? If the unbelieving spouse gave his life to Christ after being in the marriage, however did not believe in the entire Bible, what would God see this marriage as..?

Thanks a bunch...

needing proper punishment for a direspectful 14yr old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 02:01:36 GMT

We have a 14 yr old daughter that everytime she is around her friends she becomes disrespectful and hurtful to her family. Now I know that I can stop her from hanging out with her friends as much as possible which might fix some of the problem but I am looking for a solution to really make her stop and think about what she's doing to the ones who love her most. I want her to think twice about being that ugly person and want to change. Is this possible?

TheDefenceOfTruth - Catholic YouTube Project

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:19:27 GMT

Dear Focus on the Family,
I have produced the first episode in a Christian series, defending the Church from arguments or subjects often raised against it. It is intended, not only to help Catholics/Christians to understand the best answers, but also to show nonchristians what we really belive and show them that we do have answers. Because I am a Catholic I focus on my view and answers to the problems at hand but I do also try to include the other Christian defences. Seeing as it is new and hasn't been hit by either a mass or Christians or a mass of athiests, I have had time to pray about it and think about who to show. At Focus on the Family I know that although we may not be the same branch of Christianity we all belive in the same God and for that reason I will ask you to pray for the series. Also if you want watch the video as it may help shed light on an area that you may have fully not understood.

Here is a link to the main page:

Episode One :: The Problem Of Evil :: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDefenceOfTruth

Hope you enjoy it and please pray!
God Bless
John

Angry Husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 03:48:46 GMT

So lately my husband has been very angry and yells at me for little things. He also cusses and calls me names. We have a 6 month old daughter and I don't want her exposed to this. I really am at a breaking point right now. Do I leave him or try to work things out? I want to protect my daughter from hearing and seeing her father's anger. It is so hard to deal right now, I also have fibromyalgia and have a very very hard time with it. I am in extreme pain most of the time and he just doesn't understand and he thinks I'm being lazy. I don't know what to do at this point in our marriage.

BiPolar Wife, and New Marriage.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 20:26:52 GMT

My wife and I were married on March 28th 2009, and we got pregnant. My wife is Bipolar, and we never had any problems or issues whatsoever. In fact, we both referred to it as a "Fairytale", as it truly was, and that it was GOD that brought us together. When we found out about being pregnant, we went to her doctor and she stopped taking her med's so the baby, now 9 months old, could develop with no birth defects, or other possible outcomes. After the baby was born (She's BEAUTIFUL), my wife got back on only some of her med's.

Durng her pregnancy, and after, she became steadily agressive, physically and verbally abusive (I have attacked more than a dozen times in her pregnancy alone), just not the person I fell in LOVE with and married. In May of this year, I was physically attacked twice within a few minutes. I then called the police (Because i knew that I could no longer do this alone, and needed to get her HELP), who responded, by taking ME to jail, even though I had done nothing. Since then we have been seperated, and she has filed for visitation and custody, and has a restraining order against me, for domestic violence. I have never touched my wife, and only tried to be as supportive of her as best I could, but it wsn't enough. Her family doesn't want to get involved, and I cannot even talk to them or my wife without violating the restraining order.

She has not filed for a divorce, and I pray she doesn't, as we are both believers, and after she had episodes of acting out, and things calmed down, we both agreed that divorce is not an option. Right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to learn about her mental illness as much as possible to help her if and when we reconcile. I am competely overwhelmed at this point, and I am trusting GOD as best I can. I have been fighting DEEP depression on and off, along with the urge to just go ahead and file for a divorce myself. I won't, but it's hard to keep mind from going there. I try to stay focused, and listen to messages on marriage, personal growth, and family living on here and other sites.

I'm praying that in the next few weeks I can get the Judge to discontinue the restraining order, as it's base on fasehood and lies, but am not real confident, as the courts do not seem to care about facts, as they haven't even asked the question of who attacked who, as she has never stated that I attacked her. She is hiding behind the domestic violence smoke screen, as it prevents the real issue of her being Bipolar from to come into the light. I told her a little over a month ago that there is NO Blame, Anger, Shame, or Guilt in our relationship, and nothing to Forgive. This is her ILLNESS, and NOT the real person I married. She can't control her Bipolar w/o med's, and unfornatly she thinks she's fine and doesn't need them. It's kinda like a little kid that desperately needs a nap, and refuses to go down, screaming/whining, "I'm not tirrreeeed, I don't neeeed a naaaap!!!!!' To make matters worse, her best friend, has her convinced that I am Bipolar, and I need to get on med's, and that my wife is not sick, as she has "Seen her when she's sick, and she's not sick." I have started to get involved as best I can with the local NAMI chapter, but have not met that many people to form a support group. I have no family to help me, and the two family members I do have, have been convinced by her that I am the problem. Up until this happened the only they they knew about bipolar, is that every planet is one.

Like i stated earlier, i am trusting GOD, but things just keep getting worse and worse, little by little. My biggest concern is that she wil CRASH into a deep depression, and become suicidal. I justs want my wife to get healthy, because if She doesn't THRIVE, then NOBODY thrives. I pray for her and my family constantly, day and night. I ask GOD to BLESS her and to keep her and the kids safe. (I forgot to mention that I have 2 step kids, a girl, almost 7, and a 4 and 1/2 yr old boy, and i have a 14 yr old form a previous marriage.) Please keep them and me in your prayers, as I will keep all of you in mine. Thank You in advance... Under the Lion's Paw Brad

My husband is going to prison.... what now?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:32:02 GMT

My husband started having an affair about three years ago, and from that sin stemmed many other life changing decisions. He was arrested and charged with several non violent felonies about 6 months ago. I have been praying for him through this whole nightmarish situation and although it has been extremely painful, decided to committ my marriage to God and wait for Him to bring my husband back to the fold. He has repented and is trying very hard to make up for all the pain that he has caused. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and is prepared for the consequenses. My problem is that we have four small children ages 6, 5, 3, and 2. I am in nursing school and recently got a job working nights. But I only make about $300 per week. I don't know how I am supposed to support my children and pay the bills while he is gone. He could be looking at 5 years or more in prison. They have never set foot in a daycare. I was a stay at home mom until about 2 months ago. Even without the dangers of daycare I don't see how I could afford it at $70 per week per child. My parents live four hours away and can't help and my church thinks I should leave him. I just don't know what to do....

Geologic Evidence for Young-Earth Creationism

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 May 2010 20:00:59 GMT

I've re-posted this from another thread (Grand Canyon) so that an isolated conversation can take place on these subjects. --TTPAdmin1

Lou wrote:

Hi Hamilton,
Thanks for initiating this thread… I would suggest renaming it to "Geologic evidence for Young-Earth Creationism" to keep the topic within the scope of geology.
At any rate , Phil has requested a good challenge by having us present positive scientific evidence for a young earth.
So, I want to underscore your original post regarding rock layers and rapid deposition by adding the following observations...

The geologic record provides us with clear evidence of the global flood, which strongly supports a young earth and goes against the millions of years timescale assumed by evolution. In reality, when we observe the geologic nature of the planet, the evidence captures catastrophic events that record death and destruction, which bears little or no resemblance to anything proposed by the current geologic timescale influenced by evolution. I present the following observations:

1. Evidence of catastrophic rapid deposition:
Most geologists are now shifting away from the concept of slow, gradual accumulation of sediments (i.e. uniformitarianism) because of the great catastrophic rapid deposition found in the geologic record. The evidence in rock layers really do appear to have been formed by dramatic processes far beyond those we normally experience.
Only modern catastrophes, such as the eruption of Mount St. Helens, can give us a glimpse into the past as we connect-the-dots and make meaning out of the physical and historical geologic evidence that points back to the worldwide flood.

Another important point to consider is that many evolutionary geologists are now calling themselves Neo-Catastrophists because of the evidence of rapid deposition:

“The hurricane, the flood or tsunami may do more in an hour or a day than the ordinary processes of nature have achieved in a thousand years…. In other words, the history of any one part of the Earth, like the life of a soldier, consists of long periods of boredom and short periods of terror.” - The Nature of the Stratigraphical Record by Derek V. Ager

2. Presence of distinct surface features on many rock layers:
Common surface features such as the the ones below would not last very long if exposed to the elements as per "a millions of years" hypothesis:

Ripple Marks found in Dinosaur Ridge, Morrison, Colorado
Raindrop Impressions found in Parfet Prehistoric Preserve, Golden Colorado
Dinosaur tacks, found near Hannover, Germany

3. No sign of Bio-turbation in rock layers:
There's no evidence in the geologic record of what one would expect from communities of animal life within the layers of sedimentary rock such as wormholes, moles, clams, barnacle encrustations, or any other sign of bio-turbation. Yet the geologic record clearly displays sedimentary structure that lacks disturbance by biologic activity.

4. No evidence of soil layers:
There's a lack of multiple soil layers (standard landscape) in the geologic column.
The only evidence found are layers of sediment. Each rock layer overlaps another with no soil layers between them, such as the Coconino Sandstone in the Grand Canyon, which only shows evidence of two distinct rock layers of sediment.

5. Evidence of rock layer folding:
The strata sequences in the rock layers are sometimes found folded. All these layers had to be soft and pliable in order to be deformed such as
folding layers found in the Grand Canyon, which supports a rapid catastrophic event of the geographic column.

6. Evidence of polystrate fossils:
Polystrate fossils that penetrate multiple rock layers disprove the assumption of "millions of years" between layers such as trees that are embedded in sediments that were removed from its roots by some form of rapid cataclysm.

7. The rapid process of fossilization and petrification:
The rapid process of fossilization and petrification can be proved. In fact, petrified wood can be created in the lab by scientists in just a few days! Here are other examples:

Petrified flour from the Blue Spring mill in Arkansas
Petrified hat from The Buried Village in New Zealand
Petrified waterwheel in Western Australia
Mound of petrified mineral water in Thermopolis, Wyoming
Boot with petrified leg found in West Texas
The misconception that fossil fuels are millions of years old. The fact is that fuel can be developed very quickly from plants and animals.

8. Out-of-place human artifacts:
The fossilized remains of thousands of human individuals have been discovered and cataloged, but most are only from a few hundred to a thousand years old.

Various out-of-place human artifacts have been found throughout the geologic column such as:

Human footprint in Permian rock found in New Mexico
Fossilized human hand print found in Limestone at Glen Rose, Texas
Ancient hammer found in Cretaceous rocks in London, Texas
Sandaled footprints with trilobite fossil in the same rock discovered in Antelope Springs, Utah

Riding the emotional wave from infedelity...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 15:30:06 GMT

I just wanted to express my feelings of hurt, betrayal and disrespect I have experienced through my professing Christian husband's infidelity with another married woman- a school counselor, may I add. I found out about the affair a little over 2 months ago through his email account. I have read the emails exchanged between them which displayed evidence of the affair. I have confronted him about the affair and he finally admitted to it because I had proof so there was no denying it. Though he said the affair only happened only 1 time 2 weeks prior to when it was discovered, the effects of it felt as if the affair has gone on much longer. He has mentioned time and time again to me and trusted sources that his affair had nothing to do with our marriage because at the time our marriage was great but it had everything to do with him and his spiritual state. On the night I found out about the affair, he has contacted her through a series of text to let her know I found out. The very next day she sent a pathetic, apology email which I did not accept because I believe they both were sorry because they were caught. The pain I have felt and still feel is sometimes unbearable. My spouse has communicated his regret and apologized and he also want to make the marriage work; however, he seems to expect me to just move on as if nothing ever happened. I told him my healing from the pain he caused is not based on his time frame. In addition, the trust has been broken in our marriage because he has brought another woman into our marriage! What really upsets me is she has seemed to move on with her spouse as if nothing has ever happened and her husband obviously doesn't know what happened. When I found out, I was determined to make my spouse and the adulteress pay for the pain they have caused me. I was going to send out the email I discovered to their fellow co-workers and make sure her spouse get a copy too b/c I felt he needed to know. I was hurting so I believed someone else should hurt too which was obviously ungodly thinking. Recently, I have seen Blocked numbers on our cell phone bill and I believe those numbers were from her. I have also seen where he has called her job. When I asked him about calling her job, he said he needed to ask her to use her as a reference for a job. Well I told him, he should not have contacted this woman for anything! I have asked him almost everyday if he has been talking with her and he said those blocked numbers is a friend of his out of state but I am still very skeptical since I do not trust him and I just sense he has been communicating with her via email/phone. I can very well be wrong but after the series of phone calls, things just didn't add up. My spouse's actions has shown to be selfish, disrespectful, unwise and unbiblical. As a servant of the Lord first I want to forgive because the Lord has forgiven and still forgives me. How can I ask Him for forgiveness but do not forgive my brother? I have asked the Lord to work with in me so that I can come to forgive my spouse and move on in life with or without him. In my eyes, I don't see too much of a future for us. I just don't trust him due to lies he has told me after the affair so it's like whatever progress I was trying to make in working towards rebuilding trust has been pushed back tremendously. What is a marriage or any relationship if it's not built on the principles of the Lord and trust? I don't have the time or energy to look over my spouses shoulder looking for clues of future infidelity. It's not how I desire to be in a marriage with any man. I'm tired of hurting and crying. I have my own faults and by no means try to place myself on a pedestal; however, I have never went outside of my marriage even when my needs weren't being met by my spouse. I have always been a faithful, supportive wife towards my spouse and stood by him during very trying times. Lately, I have been wanting to throw in the towel and move on in life with my 2 children. I want my children to have a family so bad but what good is it if I don't heal and the marriage isn't thriving? I feel hopeless because so much has been damaged. I don't even want him kissing or touching me because I think of how he was with her. He's in a position where he's not working and I have to deal with him being in our home because he has no where to go. In spite of, I'm not going to ask him to leave without means to take care of himself so I just work and try to pay the bills the best I can until he can find a job. I feel stupid sometimes for him being there without a job but I'm not the kind of person to put my foot on someone's neck when they are down. I have a hard time trying to sort things out with him in the house because he expects me to just be with him and that's not how I feel. On this very day, I still cry about this because I have given this man the best of me and this is the thanks I get. Seems like the good men and women come out at the bottom and it sucks! I would appreciate godly counsel and encouragement. Though my spouse has shared his unfaithfulness to his trusted friends, I didn't share with family and friends so thank you for letting me post here because I needed to get this off my chest. God bless!

How do I explain why sex is important to men without adding pressure to her life?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:39:19 GMT

I've been married over 25 years, have two teenage kids, and love my wife dearly, but I need more physical intimacy. My stay at home wife is a great mom, she's a good and faithful wife to me, she's active in church, and she does for others constantly, but if I have interest in sex with her she seems disinterested and sometimes agitated. We were very active when we were first married, of course less when the kids were small, and now sometimes a year will go by without sex. I've read the articles by Dr. Juli Slattery, "Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs" and I can tell Dr. Slattery knows how men are wired, but my lovely wife doesn't. If I were to suggest she read something like this, she would feel I was pressuring her to have sex on top of all of the other things she has to do in life. I'm not a perfect dad or husband, but I only have interest in her and not porn or other women, so what do I do? Having sex with her makes me feel more connected in everyway and I feel like I was a better husband when she had more of an interest in having sex with me. I don't want her to feel like it's a chore or that I'm following her around with only one thing in mind, but I do need her.

anyone dealing with Narcissism/Passive Aggressive spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:49:48 GMT

Hi, I am starting to feel like I am losing my mind. My husband was raised in an abusive home. There was incest, physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. Before getting married my husband didn't tell me about any of this, he just didn't take me around to see his family much. We both grew up in a Christian church, but it was an extremely legalistic church bordering on a cult. Very isolated and condemning of all other Christians. For the first 8 yrs of marriage I thought everything was my fault, if I would just try harder, be more humble, submit my pride, being more loving & kind & forgiving THEN our marriage would be what it should be. If any of you are familiar with Dr. Laura's book 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' my husband has admitted that I did everything (right) in that book. When he read it he could not find one thing I had not done. Toward the end of the 8 yrs I went through a healing group at my church to deal with my sister's death and consequently some stuff from my own childhood. After dealing with my own stuff I realized that everything in our marriage couldn't be my fault. As my awarness grew I realized that my husband had not been the 'nice guy' he appears to be. Admittedly I was horribly naive and even stupid to have believed it all to be my fault but I believed him, that is what he told me. Since then I have learned about narcissism and passive aggressive disorders. My husband is very much both of those things. And here's the thing, he never quite steps over the line of morality. He does things like this: never stands up for me when his family calls me names and says mean things about me, in fact he goes out of his way to tell me what they said. Three months after I had our first baby and had been seriously sick in that time period he blamed me for his lust after other women (no affair just openly looking in front of me) because he said I was 'too fat'. Five days after we got married he did nothing for my birthday. In every friendship we have had he has always managed to get the woman half of the couple to not like me and to think I need 'fixed'. Or he manages to push them away from us all together. He often says he doesn't really know if God exists even to the point of arguing that he doesn't believe that Jesus Christ was even a real person (inspite of the fact that secular encyclopedias don't challenge His existance just his Godhood) but then he turns around and says he does believe that that he's 'repentant'. He also alternates between saying he is repentant of what he has done to arguing that what he did was all my fault. He seems to alternate between personalities. One person is a very nice, good, kind, sweet person. The other is completely selfish, no concern for myself or our kids, just a complete coldness that is very scary to see. No compassion or caring at all. Perhaps the biggest thing he does is everytime things become good between us he walks out. No, not physically. He walks out emotionally. He turns into the completely selfish, no compassion person. It's like flipping a switch. It always happens after a particularly close time. It used to happen after sex but I finally said no more sex because I couldn't handle the insane roller coaster of now he loves me and now he views me as an object. That gave me some relief for a time and bought some sanity for the household but now he has started the same cycle in regular life. He cannot stand closeness. (When HE feels close) He admits that he can't stand closeness, he admits that he completely withdraws but then he tries to say it's no big deal and that I am overreacting. Yet when I disconnected emotionally from him so we could just live in the same house at least until the kids are grown up he won't leave me alone until I reconnect. Suddenly he starts pouring on the charm, the love, the caring, compassion, etc. This extreme up and down is driving me crazy. I really can't handle it. Sometimes I wonder if he's right, maybe I should just be fine with him coming and going from relationship. I often wish he would just break out and do something concrete, like an affair. As it is no one in my life would/will believe that my husband is the way he is. To everyone else he displays a 'mr nice guy' image. He acts like the nicest person in the world, he pretends to have compassion and caring, to me he admits he couldn't care less about them. The upshot of it all is that I have zero support for anything I go through. When my sister died of cancer it was just weeks before our second child was born, In the hosp. they asked me if anything was bothering me emotionally and did I feel like I needed any help. I told them my sister had died and I felt like I hadn't really dealt with it completely and that it was all mixed up with having the baby. So they sent a counselor. She happened to come when my husband was there and asked me if I had any good support in my life, my husband said yes I did, that he would support me in this so she smiled and said I would be fine and left. Yet my husband did not support me at all. He didn't care that my sister was dead, in his opinion it had nothing to do with him. When our third child was born my midwife asked him if he was going to be helping me out. He told her oh yes. She gave him some very basic things he could do to help care for me, (like preparing water bottles and leaving them around the house as I was nursing) he acted enthusiastic to her but then did nothing. When our first was born (at home) he didn't even make sure I had enough food to eat in spite of the fact that I had an infection and fever. Yet he makes it look to everyone else like he's wonderful. So I have no one. I am homeschooling my kids and trying to stay sane for them. I'm sorry this got so long. I don't want to just be whining, I just don't know what to do. I can't stand the roller coaster but it's not in my power to stop the roller coaster. He won't stop and I don't know how to stay disconnected. And he won't leave. And I can't leave, I have no where to go. I know I don't have a clear cut question in this but I'm looking for advice, suggestions.... ??

My 13 year old daughter has no friends

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 04:40:54 GMT

I'm literally begging someone to help me. I feel that I've tried everything except, perhaps. to do nothing (which I admit may be the answer). Forgive me if this is very long, but I beg someone with a heart for this topic to help me.

My 13-year-old daughter is sweet, kindhearted, and smart. She's average height and is thin and beautiful. I only mention the latter because I know body image can affect social confidence. She makes straight As. We go to church every Sunday, Sunday School included. She's involved in the youth group at our church. She attends a small Christian school ( about 40 people in her class this year). I make an effort to always have a fun birthday party for her, and I encourage her to have friends over to our house, etc. I've told my children that I'll never force them to do anything but that they have to do something. From the time she was a little girl until now, she's taken ballet, been on a bowling league, played softball, participated in cheer camp, been on a volleyball team, has taken drum lessons, and is currently taking guitar lessons. She participates in Christian sports leagues that are low-key -- she's not an exceptional athlete, although she tries very hard and is an average player. Out of those activities, she's only consistently participating in guitar and softball. She's only shy around large groups of people she doesn't know, but she warms up to people easily.

And, yet, if it wasn't for me pushing and/or encouraging her, she wouldn't have done anything I mentioned above. I believe we all have a besetting sin, and for my daughter that sin in laziness. She would literally sit in her pajamas all day watching tv or playing video games if I let her. She has the motivation of a gnat. She's likable although she can sometimes be too serious for her age. She's helpful and forgiving and so very sweet. And, yet, my daughter has no real friends. There are a couple of girls at school who will do things with her when she asks them, but she is very rarely asked to do anything by anyone.

She said she needed a phone because everyone at school had a phone to text each other, and she didn't so she was cut out socially. I talked it over with my husband and we decided to allow her to have a phone. She was on it a lot (texting) for the first month or two, but now she's never on it. Rarely does anyone text her, and she rarely texts anyone. She said she needed Facebook to interact with the kids in her class, and so we allowed her to get a Facebook account. She uses it to play games and it has since become a source of contention because she never checks it. She plays a lot of video games and watches tv, although my husband and I have limited both, even over the summer. She knows there is an open invitation to have friends over -- she NEVER initiates this. I'm always the one to ask "Do you want to have so-and-so" over. If I don't encourage her to invite someone over, no one comes over. And, what's worse in my opinion, is that she doesn't care. It doesn't bother her that no one is calling until there is no one to sit with on the bus on a field trip or until she's not invited to birthday parties or summer pool parties or what have you. I've told her that relationships need to be built -- that she can't wait until she's on the bus to try and make a friend, or expect to be invited to someone's party without making the effort to get to know them.

I've encouraged her. I've left her alone. I've, to my great shame, been frustrated and yelled at her. I've explained to her that relationships are what life is about -- both humanly and spiritually. Nothing. She has such a great time when we get together with her acquaintance-friends, but there's no follow-up, not until I suggest another outing or get-together. For me, it's definitely about quality not quantity -- I don't care if she's popular or not. I don't "need" her to have 20 friends, but I think it's important for people to have friends, and I don't understand why it doesn't matter to her. I swear it's a laziness thing -- it's just easier to sit around and play games, watch tv, or read a book, but then, ultimately, she's not happy being so solitary.

I could go on but this is so long already...

Please help me! I'm open to any and all Godly advice!

God Moves Mountains

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:31:50 GMT

Hello New Friends,

I wanted to write and give words of encouragement to those in marriages that feel as though there is no hope. My husband and I were married at the age of 19 and had already started our family before our marriage. We were Blessed by GOD with twin daughters and soon to follow was the blessing of our son and many years later our second son. During our marriage we experienced every bad situation possible; drugs, alcohol,abortion, abuse and even lust. We never separated until August of this year. I asked for a divorce and was tired of trying to make it work. He always claimed to try but all I ever heard were words no actions followed. I was not even close to trying either I had given up as well and stopped trying and just started doing my own thing. I never turned my life completely over to GOD until my husband was gone. I told my husband that I am sending him out "still loving him" I guess I was hoping for a "Miracle" but what followed was disaster. I started seeing someone soon after my husband was out of the house, He also met someone. I was thinking in my heart this whole time that we are both better off but deep, deep down I knew I was wrong. In October my brother (who has been walking with GOD for 15 years now) saw myself and my daughters at a restaurant and started asking me if I was believer in GOD and I was excited to tell him that I was going to Church every Sunday and Wednesday with my children. He asked me if My husband and I were gonna try to work it out I quickly responded "NO" I said he found somebody and that I found somebody and that our marriage was broken beyond repair. He then asked me "Do you believe in GOD?" I was angry by that question kind of like (how dare he ask me that) I said "Yes, I believe in GOD" He said "Do you Believe that GOD can repair your marriage?" I said "No, our marriage is over." He said "Then you are denying GOD and his works if you believe he cannot repair your marriage." Something clicked that day and what followed was truly a miracle of GOD. I started praying even more and asking GOD what do I do? GOD spoke to me and said that I needed to drop my pride and and ask my husband to come home and pray for him. He would come to the house and stay with the kids every other weekend and I would use Sunday to Pray with my husband and tell him that GOD has changed me and he can change you. He was kind enough to not tell me that he had no intentions of coming home but later I found out that's how he felt. This went on for another 4 weeks he would come I would tell him how much GOD wanted him home and he would go back to his new girl. On Halloween he asked to take our youngest out Trick or Treating and I okayed it. It was the first time I was alone on Halloween and I cried like a baby, missing the family togetherness we used to share. He called later that night and said he was gonna keep our son for the night and I said ok. Well,he took our son to his girls house were my husband had been living for three weeks. When he brought our son home my son was excited to tell me about my husbands girl and I was crushed. I could not believe that my husband would take him over there after dating her for two months. I asked my husband to come to the room where we could talk and I prayed for him and told him to listen to GOD cause he is speaking to your heart. He went back to her house and she argued with him about the time he spent with me and told him that if our kids can's spend time with him and her as a "family" that he had to leave. She did not believe in GOD and her son who is 15 was a self proclaimed atheist. She asked him what is GOD telling him? He said "To go Home" she said some not so choice words to him and the next day he left to come home. I text him that next morning because I had yet again seen this Verse that has been appearing everywhere to me. I repeated the verse 2 COR 5:17 and I left it at that, his response was I'm coming home!! It has been a long hard struggle but knowing GOD is right there has made this walk easier for us both. On DEC 6th we were baptized and more recently he received the HOLY SPIRIT and the gift of tongues. He has been home since Nov 2nd 2009 and was battling his failures and his depression, guilt, bitterness, anger even while going to church but the day he received the HOLY SPIRIT he was a changed man! We came from very broken homes and from that tried to make a home only to suffer because we did not put GOD first in our selves , our lives and our marriage and in our children. GOD does hear you and wants to help you please don't give up! Those of you that are thinking of asking for a divorce, DON"T! Be still and wait on GOD HE ANSWERS ALL PRAYERS AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME. The day before my husband came home I asked GOD to please Help and that I just couldn't take it anymore and he answered my prayers swiftly! WOW! God Bless everyone of you and I am praying this post gives you renewed or new Hope and Faith that GOD is working on you and your marriages.

Should I let her go.....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 12:33:55 GMT

I have been a monster of a husband with infidelity, dishoner and disrespect for her......but over the last 18 months I have begun the transformation of myself. I have begun to improve my relationship with my kids and als begun to be more considerate of my wife and focus on the relationship with my young children. I have begun to focus on my life with Christ and I relalize that only with Jesus will my life have meaning. At this point she has decided that she does not want to continue with this marriage. She has decided that this is her time now. She admits that it is selfish of her, but she doesn't care she says. She wants to find herself and to live her own life now. I have been walking on water for the last month or so and have shown how I can be. I know that my words are empty and only actions have value. I have acted righteous and trying to be godly, but she has continued to remind me of that there is no hope and it makes no difference; there is no love and she doesn't care what happens at this point. I haev done everything and have asked her to come to God and that only he can repair this. I have expressed to her the effects of what this decision would mean, but she seems to think that it will be nothing but roses if she goes through with this and goes off on her own. She has moments where she recognizes the love, but she is so set on getting out and experincing a single life without me and the only life she has ever known.

I don't know if this is just her anger and resentment playing out and she is just dragging me through the mud because of the monster I have been. I don't know if I should hang on and conintnue to show her with my actions or if I should leave and allow the realities of divorce or seperation take effect. The financial destruction, the isolation of the children and the destruction of the family and the only life our children have ever known.

I need help......and I am desperate......

6 Months Separated, Now what?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:47:49 GMT

It's been nearly 6 months since my husband walked out on me. I've read Love Must Be Tough, and I believe I've pretty well put it into practice. The first month was the worst, depressed and crying all the time. I've been in Christian counseling for most of the last six months. (this info is all in prior post, I'm just offering a brief recap) My husband bailed after 1 session of counseling. Told me he would never go back again! This was about a 1 1/2 months ago. I'd say for the most part the only time we ever see each other is during the exchange of our daughter, during which he is usually in a hurry because his mother is waiting in the car! I figure she does that to keep him from staying and visiting. It's working. I thought if we were going to work on our marriage we would be spending some time together, a date night? something? anything!!! I just don't see how two people are expected to work things out when those two people aren't ever together? Am I wrong in my thinking? I understand we both have changes we need to make in ourselves, but not spending any time together seems damaging. A few weeks ago when it was my daughters week with me, I invited him over. He said he couldn't (because his mother wouldn't approve). I broke the tough love rule, and my daughter and I kidnapped him!!! Not really of course!!! We drove to his mother's house, where's he's currently living, lured him into the car, and drove away. I thought it would be fun to do dinner and a movie, but he spent the entire time worrying about what he was going to tell his mother!!! It really made me upset!! In my case the OTHER WOMAN, is his mother!!! Now this week, my daughter is sick, she's with her dad this week, and I'm very upset by that as well.... The weeks she isn't with me are very hard. I hate this back and forth nonsense! And when she's sick, well of course I want to hold her and comfort her. I called him and told him it was very upsetting to me not to be with her. Not upsetting not to be with him!! Just not being with her. I honestly don't think my husband and I will ever reconcile. My 16 yr old son (from previous marriage)... my husband treated him very badly in the latter part of our marriage. I believe it has caused a lot of problems for my son. We'll deal with those together, are dealing with those together. He lets out a little every now and then. We had a good cry recently, he says I didn't do enough to protect him from his step-dad. That was painful to hear.

In a few weeks I will have re-established my residency here in Calif. and can file for divorce. So can my husband. He says he's not going to. I had previously said I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of filing for divorce, but I'm starting to reconsider. It's been 6 months and this is going nowhere. I've read other's stories on here, where they've been separated much, much longer. I just don't know if I'm willing to do that! How do I know that it's the right thing to do?

Prayer please

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 01:06:21 GMT

I have been married for 6 years and just found out that my husband had developed a "phone" relationship with one of our tenants. I am so hurt and confused right know that I don't know what to do. We do have a church home, but have not attended in almost a year. I have been saved over 20 years, but my husband didn't accept Christ until after we had been together a few months. I don't feel I can go to my church family and my faith in God right now is very shakey. I would appreciate prayers for direction, guidence and healing. Thanks!

Was this an affair and how do I tell my spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 05:08:25 GMT

I have been married for 6 years and have 2 children with my spouse. We are both Christians, and overall, our marriage has been very fulfilling and franklly pretty wonderful. Sure, we've had our ups and downs but with the Lord's guidance we've managed to work through the things that life throws at us, like financial instability, career changes and the everyday stresses that come with raising children while both working.

The trouble is this...I recently caught up with an "ex." Over the years, we'd occassionaly run into eachother because we live within a few miles of eachother and know many of the same people. Since it had been so long since we'd spoken, I extended a hello and congratulations for a major event that just happened in this person's life. (This initial "hello" was over the web.) To make a long story short. We sent messages to eachother for several hours that day as we caught up on what had been going on in our lives up until that point. Until then it was a very platonic exchange of e-mails. Then things got serious. The "ex" told me that even though it had been about 7 years since we last got together, he still loved me and even after having another long-term realtionship never felt the kind of love we had again. He had a child but never married. When I heard about the current feelings I was at a loss for words. I explained that perhaps the reasons why he still felt that way about me was because we were younger there was an innocence about the relationship we shared which made it feel pure. Nothing else mattered in the world when we were together. But I was married now, loved the family I created and led a completely different life, it was simply too late. This is what I said with my mouth. In my mind, I kept thinking about the "what ifs." I will admit this...this "ex" and I shared many "firsts" and we were together for 3 years before I met my spouse. Then before my spouse and I were engaged there was a break-up. It was during this time that I reconnected with the "ex" for a second time but it didn't really turn into anything because of a relationship they were involved in and my family always disapproved of him. For a few years there was a battle between the person I wanted to be with and my family's approval, eventually it became too much for me, so I ended the relationship. But like I said none of that should have mattered to me but... it did. After a long telephone conversation, we agreed to meet up for a small meal and talk face to face. I did not tell my spouse whom I was going to meet. We ate over good conversation and laughed about old times for about 2 hours. As we we're saying goodbye there was a hug, which turned into an embrace and almost led to a kiss. But I insisted that it not go there and my wishes were respected. What was supposed to be a quick goodbye turned into another hour and a half of talking and eventually I gave in to the kiss.

The next day we agreed to meet again and this kiss turned into more passionate kissing and embracing as we talked about how our lives might have been had we stayed together for good. I opened up to this person and shared that a part of me would always love him. This lasted for several hours but we both knew that it mean trouble if it physically went any further so I left. We made several phone calls & text messages to eachother as the next 3 days passed. That same weekend, needless to say, the kiss happened again. Question #1: We never committed the act of sex but shared enough intimate space and time to constitute an affair, correct?

Being a Chrisitan I knew it was only a matter of time before the Lord sent a direct word to me to shake me up. And sure enough, it happened. The voice of God was very clear in reminding me that I belonged to another and that I needed to run from the sin that would make me fall completely. So I ran to the altar at the next service, confessed, cried and repented before the Lord. The moment I had the opportunity, I told the "ex" that no matter what I felt for him the truth was I loved my family and wanted to be an honorable christian wife and mother and that we needed "to end it now." Those were my exact words. In order to avoid it going any further, I cut off all communication with the "ex." He explained that it wasn't what he wanted and that he'd always love me but understood my reasons and we ended it right there. Question #2: How do I tell my husband? We've always had a very trusting relationship. He knows all about the past I shared with this person and knows who he is. I know he'll be hurt.

Thank God for this site it feels better to know there (unfortunately) are others going through the same thing

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 06:46:19 GMT

my husband left me and our 2 kids about 2 months ago. He said he lost love for me and told me to find another place to live. The song from i believe toby mac that has this in it Saw it coming but it hit you out of nowhere sums it up. i have gone through such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, anger, being scared, more like petrified. i still have the not so great days but now i have a peace, people think im crazy when i tell them how the peace is from God. especially my parents that we no wlive with who dont care much for my belief in God. I am thankful for my friends from church cause they are trying to to talk to me about how to handle the hard times and to follow God and knowing He has this and it will be okay. but there is something about being able to talk to people who have been or are in the same situation so please pray for us and please i would love to be able to talk to some people. God bless you all and thanks and im praying for you all. + <3

18 year old son in rebellion

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 00:58:11 GMT

My son just turned 18 and he talks to me badly. He asked me how I felt about him getting his ears pierced and I said for lack of something nice I said I did not approve. The next thing I know he comes home with both pierced. His Dad said for him to stay at home he must take them out so after telling me he would see me in hell he left to go live with a relative. I don't know if this was something we should have held our ground on because now he is gone. I have asked God for widsom, and for God to soften his heart. Are we just being to tough. I admit when I first saw them I did say words I should not have out of anger. I asked God to forgive me and I asked my son to forgive for saying what I did. He just continued to spew hateful things at me. I also feel guilty because I feel like our relative is now bearing our responsibility.

Solving long distance relationship with child involved.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 05:54:26 GMT

I am 36 years old and I used to live in southern california. I have sole custody of 4 children from a previous relationship. I have a girlfriend that still lives in california and we have a 7 year old daughter together that lives there with her. I moved to norhtern utah in may of 2009 to start work as there was no work available in southern ca, and I had been out of work for 9 months. When I moved My Girlfriend and I had an agreement that I would come get settled, get a house, keep my job for a year , while she looked after her son from a previous relationship that had recently turned 18, and then she would move out here with our daughter. in late june 2009 i flew back to get my 4 children from my previous relationship, I had let them stay with my parents to finish the school year, and our at that time 6 year old daughter came out for the summer. In august 2009 before my 6 year olds school started my girlfriend came out for a week to visit and then take our daughter back to california. while she was here she bought things for the house, said she liked it, called her mother and told her how neat the area was with the lakes and rivers, everything was going fine. I talked to her every day since I got here once before work at 6:30 a.m. (5:30a.m. her time), normally on my lunch break, and at least once, normally more after work each day. Up untill about 3 months ago everything seemed fine, then I noticed that when I would say I love you before getting off the phone that she would barely ever reciprocate. I also noticed that it was always me calling, she barely ever called me. Also I kept asking when they were coming out and she used to say soon and then it started turning to I don't know. Well I confronted her about not saying she loved me, not calling me, and told her that people here were beginning to wonder if I really had a girlfriend. She started being the one that called me, started saying "I love you" first, and told me that yes I still had a girlfriend and untill a month ago everything went fine. Then I found out about another man and when I asked at first she said I had nothing to worry about, then I found out that she had been sleeping with him since February. I flew to California last week to try and save my relationship last weekend and we worked things out, I thought but I find out from my daughter that this guy still comes around. I know we have both done our share of sinning but this girl is the one who brought me to the lord and I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She told me she hasen't prayed in months. She said when I was there that our family was worth trying to fix (my other 4 children think of her as thier step-mom since we have been together for 10 years), and that she would handle the other guy and she would come out here and give it a shot. but she says she can't come out till thanksgiving and that even then it would only be a visit for a week. and that she can't "just up and leave". her now 19 nyear old son has friends that have got in some trouble with a gang out there and he is getting involved by association, while I was there she told him he might have to move out here and he said why can't we all go. So her son, his girlfiend, our daughter, and my children her want them to move out here, and the excuse she gives is her job as a waitress. I moved out here to support my family and give our children better lives and it seems she is holding my 7 year old and her 19 year old there bacause of a minimum wage +tips job and possibly the guy that she said she wasn't going to see anymore. I know ther is a lot here to take in but anyone's input would be appreciated. What can I do?

This is not how I pictured it.... now what

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 00:12:23 GMT

About a year ago we moved our family due to my husbands company relocting. I was thrilled because I had been wanting to be home full time for a couple of years with our then 3 children. We were also dedicated to homeschooling our kiddos, which would be much easier if I was home. In looking for a town to live in we opted to move to a town about 45 minutes away from my husband's office. We knew this would mean more time away, but the town was close to the church we decided to attend and our hope was then closer to the majority of our social connections and homeschool connections. At first this seemed to work well. We made some wonderful connections at church and with other homeschooling families in our area. My husband did work late some evenenings each week, and for the most part I was understanding. He is the IT director at his office and so I understand that things come up and he doesn't always have control over leaving by a certain hour.

Lately however I have been feeling quite different. I find myself often frustrated when he's not home for dinner at 6:30. We had talked several months ago about this and I asked that he be home at least 2 nights a week. He agreed to this and did for a few weeks, but now we're lucky to have him home for 1 night during the week. We now have 4 kiddos and I am exahusted at the end of the day. Cooking dinner is usually a 3 ring circus because everyone wants/needs something, I'm trying to cook, and I'm all alone and tired. He told me the other day it's hard to come home when I'm stressed because it makes him stressed. I tried to explain, but he doesn't understand. To top things off the kids started soccer practice this week. He said, "Oh I need to make arrangements to leave work early so I can be at practice." My immediate thought is, okay make a sacrifice for the kids, but not me, your wife. He grew up in a family where his parents neglected their marriage for 18 years while he grew up and then they had a mess when he left home. I don't want a repeat of that. I know he loves me and he always feels bad when he can't meet my expectations or needs, but that doesn't change my frustration. I don't know what to do now!

Zyxter Movement?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:09:40 GMT

I've had several friends and church members ask me about this Zyxter Movement on facebook. They say they are a Christian movement, but there are some things about them that cause my alarm bells to go off. I posted on facebook yesterday asking for info on the group and today I get a friendship request from a Pastor Heinricheberhard von Von. Sounds like an alias to me. I have another friend who received a friendship request from a Pastor Conrad August. We looked them up and they are both from this group. The little bit of research I have done on them doesn't tell me much about their doctrinal beliefs, but they discourage people from going to church. Church is boring, the people speak Christianese, and so forth. What makes this hypocritical is this all seems to be coming from a "brick and mortar" church in Colorado. I just thought somebody else might have heard of this movement and could add something to my knowledge. I've discouraged everyone I know from getting involved with it until we know a lot more about them.

Thanks for any insight or information you can give.

Practical Advice on Forgiving

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:58:21 GMT

Hello All,

I am writing in with the hopes someone can share their story with me as an encouragement. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful, kind, hard working man. We are learning so much about what it means to be a couple and loving one another. We hope our marriage will be a blessing to all that see it and God is glorified. I am truly looking forward to being his wife. The area I need some encouragement in is forgetting and forgiving. In his late teens and early twenties he led an immoral life. But came to his senses about 2-3 years before he met me and asked God to forgive that part of his life. He knew that the life he had been leading led to no where and he wanted more out of life then the guilty conscience and heartache that living for self and the devil affords. He feels that God has forgiven him and completely wants to forget and shut the door on all of that youthful foolishness. I on the other hand come from a family that heavily stressed morality and purity. Most of my siblings never even kissed their spouses till their wedding day. I have always felt strongly the importance of showing your future spouse honor by remaining pure. Which I have faithfully done but I am afraid it is accompanied by a self righteous spirit. I tend to be proud and "I'm better because I'm smart enough to not go there" kind of attitude. I feel that God has been working on my heart in this area of humility and grace. How good is our God? GOOD!!

Anyway, I would greatly be encouraged if others would share their stories of how they forgave and forgot. Of how they let God's Grace be powerful in their lives? I want to have more compassion and understanding of others. I want to see others like Jesus does. Instead of being SO focused on justice and being such a "black and white" person. My new favorite motto is: High standards for me, grace for everyone else. (that's a daily struggle, everyone else's sins are so much more grevious then mine! )

Please write in, I would love to hear your story!

I lost it all; I have no reason to go on; I know I need help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:48:02 GMT

Five years ago it appeared I 'had it all'. I owned my own home, owned my car, had a good job and had $50K in the bank. Now I am on my second marriage (6 years, and we are far from happy together) bought a home with him (valued $90,000 less than what we paid 5 years ago), lost my car (repairs were more than what it was worth, so I now drive his), lost my job and have three bills going into collections this month. I am trying my best to trust God and acknowledge maybe he took all my material things to show me what really matters, but all I want to do is die to end the pain. I have no friends, no family to rely on either. Please! help me will you?

How to know if God wants me to hold on or if it's just my own desire

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 02:10:00 GMT

It has been almost a year since I posted anything but felt led to do so today. My wife and I have now been apart for nearly a year with constant contact because of our daughter.

She filed for a divorce over six months ago but did not complete the other paperwork regarding the finances etc. so I am not really sure what that means. I don't want to raise the issue if by some miracle she is having doubts about her decision to divorce. I am assuming that since we have a child and there is some financial issues that the courts would have to determine that things are not final, but not really sure. That really sounds ridiculous seeing it on screen but that's the reality. Any counsel on that issue would be appreciated.

The second and most important question is should I continue to hold on when all earthly evidence says to move on, it's over. Or should I remain steadfast to the covenant I made to my wife and to God. I felt several months ago that I was letting her go but just needed confirmation from God for the final goodbye. I prayed and asked Him to help me completely let her go. Almost immediately my feelings for her came to the surface and numerous interaction between her and I were almost like the good times, with that ever present discomfort of "oh that's right we are not suppose to talk like this or enjoy each others company any more. I have since started to have some deeper type of love for her that is hard to put to words. It does seem to be from God though. I wish I could explain it but really can't. Hope somebody out there might be able to clarify, explain or put words to those feelings. I love her deeper, with no expectations and almost no hope of reconciliation despite her actions or inaction. That's the best I can do.

We have been married for sixteen years and have a wonderful 10 year old daughter that almost seems to be enjoying to some degree the individual attention she know gets from each of us.

What should I do, how should I pray for her, my daughter and for our families? Is it just an unwillingness to move on or is it staying true to my commitments? From someone who has walked in my wife's shoes, do you think there is any hope and if so what can or should I do?

Prayers and much appreciation.

Should Christians amass huge fortunes that them or their families don't need with the tribulation apparently so near?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 03:55:53 GMT

During the tribulation we won't be able to buy or sell without the mark of the beast. Are the vast fortunes of some Christians somehow going to be set aside and saved for them to use during the period after the tribulation? If not, shouldn't Christians be taking the lead and setting an example of only taking enough for their reasonable daily needs and giving the rest to the poor. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that God knows our daily needs and will provide for them. Why should Christians be striving to have millions or billions of dollars?

Does anyone have any advice for helping with a husband that is addicted to video games?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 02:02:14 GMT

does anyone have any advice for helping with a husband that is addicted to video games? Either books to read or advice.

Help ! Weary and discouraged

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 07:38:46 GMT

Hello, I could really use some advice. A little background- I have been married for many years, and have children. For pretty much the entire marriage, I have been subjected to verbal abuse - I have been cursed at, threatened, forced to end friendships etc. Most of the time, my husband showed little or no remorse, and feels he was totally justified. As the children have grown older, they too see the problems, and are struggling with bitterness and difficulty forgiving. They have often been treated the same way. There is no physical abuse. Although we have talked about these issues, and they have improved somewhat, the problems are still continuing. I have two questions, that I could really use some good advice on.

1) I am starting to think we should really go to marriage couseling, and possibly even family couseling. I actually went a couple times without my husband's knowledge, but felt guilty and quit going. My gut feeling is that he will be opposed to it. He tends to be very suspicious and blames everyone else. Should I approach this with him, and what do I do if he says no ? Is it wrong to go on my own, or what if he forbids me - do I go secretly ? I am a Christian and want to do the right thing> also, in the past I have always covered for him - my family has no idea - but recently I have opened up to a couple of people. Would it be wrong to confide in my mother or a trusted Christian friend, or is this showing disrespect ?

2) I mentioned that I was forced to give up friendships. I believe that God has recently been speaking to me about apologizing to one of these friends, because she believed I wanted to end the friendship, when in reality, I was verbally abused and felt forced to end it. My husband is opposed to this , so I have done nothing. But I am struggling with guilt and if God wants me to do this, what do I do? I thought of sending her an anonymous apology, or of talking to my husband again, but this may end up in a huge fight > help !

These are just 2 of the issues. I have been trying to do the right thing - I am a Christian, and know God doesn't like divorce. But how long do I continue to be abused - I live in fear of when the next outburst will be, and feel discouraged and alone. It is also hard to pretend everything is OK, especially with family. I feel like a fake, and emotionally drained.

Forcing kids to go to church

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 02 Aug 2005 21:26:15 GMT

I have a 14 year old that refuses to go to church. When he does go, we generally will get into a fight on the way making everyone miserable at the service. Do we force him to go, or leave him be so we can focus on the people in the family that do want to have a relationship with the Lord and worship Him?

Dealing with husband's depression, who can I reach out to (safely) for support?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 06:01:08 GMT

My husband is struggling with depression. He doesn't see how a counselor would help them, as he views the issues as all related to the challenges he faces with the church, ie; if x,y,z would improve, then he wouldn't have the sadness and frustrations that go with them. I believe that God is working on him through these struggles and that he is teaching him something- the question is what? I struggle, because, I feel that God is leading me to reach out to others to pray for him. My question is: how do I (and should I?) ask some trustworthy women at church to pray with me without jeopardizing their view of him and/or disrespecting him? We're pretty open and honest about our lives with everyone at church, but this seems to be different somehow. I should probably tell him that I want to do it, right? Ugh.

Learning to Live With Grief Webcast: Help for those dealing with ongoing, life-threatening diseases

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:45:25 GMT

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma about 3 years ago. He was 32, and I was 26, and expecting our third baby girl, Hope. He had a rare case of a Hodgkin's tumor being under his brain. He has had a craniotomy, many biopsies, chemo regimens, radiation, and two stem cell transplants since then. When we first were married, we had anticipations of going into foreign missions work or some type of full-time ministry. When his cancer was diagnosed and things looked so grim, our dreams seemed so shattered. I became afraid to really LOVE him the way I ought to. I was afraid he would die, and you know the more you love someone, the more intense the pain, so I sort-of got numb. Now, it has been nearly a year since that last transplant, and there is hope that he is in remission. Yet, I still fear that cancer will raise its ugly head again. It is frightening to dream big! Now, in the past couple of weeks, my dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and I have met soooo many people, young and old, with cancer. I feel paranoid. So afraid I or my children will be next. How do you move past this? It seems like constant grief because my husband is still "not out of the woods." Our 3 children are ages 6 and under. I am a stay-at-home, home-schooling mama, who already has a predisposition to depression and anxiety. God has been very good to us, and has taken good care of us. We have a good church that we are very active in, and we have lots of people who love us... but, I still struggle with the grief and uncertainties. Do you have tips for those dealing with ongoing grief, such as life-threating diseases?

Sarah from Ohio

Am I Gay

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 Sep 2005 15:08:29 GMT

My son tearfully just told me that when he was seven years old, he used to be "gay." When I asked him to explain why he thought so, he said, "because I let a friend touch my private area and I touched his." He said that he thought it was "gross" and has never done it again. I explained to him that doesn't make him "gay", but that he should not participate in that type of activity in the future. I didn't want to make him feel any more ashamed than he already did, but I wanted to be sure he knew that it wasn't something he should do again. I explained to him that God doesn't designed those kinds of activity for a man and a woman, after they marry. Did I say the right thing? He is a normal pre-teen boy with no history of sexual activity or abuse.

adolescent is unforgiving and grudge holder

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:45:08 GMT

Help our 10 year old son is very unforgiving. A teacher, coach or friend can make a comment that insults him and he immediately puts the wall up. If we are not made aware of the situation in time to talk it over with him he writes them off, starts to give up on the friendship, sport or school work. Today he told me his teacher "hated" him and when we talked about approaching her with his concerns while still being respectful his response was "that woman does not deserve respect". I was speechless. At this point he shuts down and anything or anybody we talk about there is something wrong with. So far, we have discovered it best when he is in one of those moods not to continue a long drawn out conversation. I am so afraid that if we don't find a way to deal with this while he is still impressionable and loves being with mom and dad that we will loose him as a teen. His overall personality is kind and loving until someone gets his goat, which doesn't take much at times. As my husband says, he is a tough egg to crack for his teachers and coaches. Keeping a balance between standing up for him while supporting the authority figure can be difficult, generally we tend to think he reaps what he sews, and we want him to be accountable for his actions.

Adoption

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 10:10:58 GMT

Hi Lysa!

This is the second time I've heard your testimony on air. It has brought me to tears and I'd like any advice you can give with adoption. My husband and I would like children. I've always wanted to be a mom. It has been several years and we started thinking about adoption. Sensing the need and fulfilling our desire for children. We've looked at international and now are considering domestic. It feels like God has been secretive with what exactly He wants us to do. We've been praying and really want His clear direction. I know your story was very clear and you received a lot of confirmation. I want God to do that in our life but it seems not making anything clear except my desire...any thoughts?

taking out frustration on kids

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Sep 2003 16:03:12 GMT

Hello, I was wondering if someone out there could help me. I am dealing with a lot of anger, loneliness and frustration due to my military husband's extended overseas deployment. It looks like he will be away from home a total of 14 months, with only a 2 week leave, and even that is not guaranteed. The concern I have is that I am taking out my frustration on my young daughters, ages 5 and 3. I find myself yelling at them, squeezing their shoulder, spanking, etc., when they do things irritating to me. Or I will tell them 20 times to not do something and then blow up by the 20th time! Last night my older little girl said she wanted to go live with someone else because I was being mean. I was devastated and apologized to her, explaining that I am really missing Daddy alot lately. I just miss the help I used to get from him, not to mention missing our married life in general. Every Sunday I drag my kids to church in a lousy mood. Anyone out there (single moms, other military spouses, etc) who have dealt with this?

9 yr old son looking at naked pictures

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 21:55:55 GMT

My wife was cleaning my 9yr old sons room and found tucked away in the corner one of her old Artist Magazines. She had a subscription when the kids were too young to worry about it. The Artist magazine she found has pictures of nude paintings. How do i address this or should we be worried?

husband wants me to have sex with someone else

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:36:42 GMT

I have been married for 18 years. My husband has some sexual dysfunction issues that do not bother me at all. He has a problem with it and wants me to find someone else to have sex with so I will be fulfilled. I keep trying to tell him I am fulfilled but he doesn't believe me. He keeps on and even signed up for one of those services on the internet and has been talking to people as if he was me. He wants me to do it just once to see how it is. He is getting very upset and very controling and makes me stay up to argue even when I am falling asleep in the chair. He slams his fist on the counter or table to wake me up. We stay up until 3-4am almost every night arguing. He doesn't go to church anymore. He talks the talk but swears and uses that service on line every day. I am so confused. He hasn't cheated or broken any ten commandments to give me an excuse to leave so I feel like I have to stay. We have 2 daughters that are starting to be affected by it. They want me to leave. They know he isn't treating me with respect. So I am afraid of the example I am showing them. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to talk to my pastor or anyone I know due to the shame factor of this issue. I am looking for some Christian view points.

Help! Feeling like my new marriage is falling apart.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:30:25 GMT

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for 1 yr and 2 months and I'm feeling that our marriage is falling apart quickly. We have a ton of fun together when we aren't arguing, but unfortunately the arguments are becoming daily. I personally struggle with insecurity and lack of confidence that he really wants to be with me. I recently found out that he has been using pornography after we had already had an agreement that he would not do that. I suggested counseling for our marriage and he said a counselor cant help our problems. We are a friendly, happy couple to the world, but at home it is hell most of the time. We both lack trust in one another, and he blames me for his turning to porn.

I am very sad and in turn, only more insecure. I am praying for him daily and praying that I will be a supportive spouse rather than a contributor to his pain. He says he can't trust me because of my responses to him.

I want to reach and share with people. I feel really trapped, sad, and betrayed.

Please help!

Synthetic Blood

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:14:09 GMT

http://www.pbs.org/kcet/wiredscience/video/187-blood_simple.html

I just recently watched this video from Wired Science about scientists have found a way to make synthetic blood to carry oxygen molecules through out our veins. Since life is in the blood, with oxygen carrying backpacks and all of that Christmas factor, etc. generating blood clots etc, how does this compare to a biblical world view?

Very young children in full time school

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:45:50 GMT

I'm looking for research on the negative effects of sending a 3 year old to school (pre-kindergarden) on a full time basis. Does anyone know where i can look?

Emergent Church?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 22:07:49 GMT

I'm curious as well regarding the Emergent Church. There are some leaders in my church that are teaching and promoting Rob Bell. Any words of caution from my Truth Project friends, or is this something I can trust? I'm not clear on the subject, the lines seem blurry to me. Anyone wish to comment/clarify?

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs vs. our need for God

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:27:19 GMT

In Lesson 3 we heard and were quoted many of the deceptive lies through philosphers(Maslow,Rogers,Darrow, Kurtz). Maslow's chart of needs has some truths in it (food, shelter, safety,etc). He went wrong near the top as he focused more on self than God. The first 4 stages involve relationship to others and but the last stage of is only about self.

Is there a revised chart that can explain the truth? Relationship with God, relationship with others, losing oneself to find oneself. How would it be drawn?

Will he ever commit?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:58:55 GMT

I wonder if someone can offer some advice? I feel so stuck!

I am 35 and my boyfriend is 40. We have been together for 10 month although it is a long distance relationship, so we have not bonded as quickly as we might have done if we saw each other more frequently. We currently see each other every four weeks and before we started a relationship, he pursued me for about 9 months. I noticed a behaviour with him at the time, that he would seem to get very close but then if I returned the closeness, he would back off a little. However, after several months of this, he finally asked me and I agreed and we have been together since. I know that he likes me a lot because of the things he does - he has yet to tell me he loves me. He is a perfect gent, treats me really well, is happy to spend money to come and see me, will go out of his way to do something with me, even though I know he really doesn't want to do it. However, he has never been a great one for talking on the phone - we have vastly different work schedules (he works night shifts) so just as I am ending my day, he is starting his, which adds a further complication. I feel like he will withdraw from me too....he will be very close for a couple of days and then he will seem to back off and I wont hear from him for a day or so....but then he will spring back and everything is wonderful again.

He told a mutural friend recently that he was really enjoying our relationship, taking time to get to know me, learning how to be best friends and he added that because there was no pressure from me to get married, he felt relaxed and in a position that he had never been in before. He said the idea of getting married terrified him....though my friend didn't find out whether or not he saw himself as getting married 'some day'.

So, we were together last weekend and we had such a wonderful time...we went on proper dates, he was incredibly attentive,very 'touchy/feely' and romantic. On previous occasions he has brought up the idea of me moving closer to him and so on this occasion, I mentioned there was a possibility of a short term work contract nearer to him. He raised his eyebrows and just went 'Ohhh' and then changed the subject. I didn't take that as a good sign....though later on in the evening we were at dinner with friends and one of them asked me if I would consider moving. Before I opened my mouth, he jumped in with 'Well, there is a possibility of her taking a short term contract nearer to me....isn't there??' I took that to mean he was ok with it! We have previously talked about it very lightly and he told me that the idea of me moving does not freak him out at all....but his biggest concern would be that if I moved and 'we' did not work out, I could end up isolated having given up everything for him. I agreed....but said that was just a risk and that was the way life is.

I feel sometimes like I get mixed messages here. When we are physically in the same place, we have so much fun together, we get on great, we are very affectionate with each other....we always stay with his family so I know his parents and close friends really well. He was very keen to meet my family too and he comes from a strong, stable upbringing (no divorces or instability) and yet I just dont know where I am with him. I don't feel like I can talk to him for fear of it coming out as 'pressure'. I should add that I am in no depserate rush to get married....I am very indepedent, have never had any incredible desire for children (I am not against the idea....I just don't have this sense of a biological clock ticking) and so I don't even want a big commiment from him right now. I just want to know though whether he could see us being together 'one day'....and if I can invest any more of my heart with him. I do love him (I haven't told him this) and it feels like when he is with me, he loves me too. He says things like 'we're a perfect partnership, you and me' and he plans ahead for what we will do next month etc....but then one of us comes home and the communication between us seems to dry up (we text or email most days...but you can't really substitute that for a decent phone call!) and I go back to feeling like a part-time girlfriend.

I am at a real crossroads here. I want to move on to a new job, I love where he lives and the community he is part of....they have accepted me and his family has even asked me if I'd consider moving....and yet...I just don't know where I stand with him.

I am confused, sad and feel stuck....I really would love some godly counsel!

Truth = Whose Reality?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 14:04:51 GMT

edhorne:
How do you address the comment that Reality is one's perception of it. Want to have a good couterargument to "reality is relative so truth is relative."

truthcentered:
Try that line of reasoning with the IRS in reference to your tax returns! This question touches upon epistemology (how we know). I'd suggest the early chapters in Truth Decay by Douglas Groothuis, where he addresses this kind of issue. The matter of relativism and absolute truth is addressed at a popular level in Relativism by Greg Koukl and Francis Beckwith. In short, truth is what corresponds to reality. People may have various perceptions, but this does not mean that truth is beyond our reach.

Syd:
Usually all you need to do is listen to them and ask a few questions to understand their viewpoint. They will soon provide you with plenty of ammunition with which you can shoot holes in their thought process. I usually refute their position by asking them questions in return, when possible, or with a postulate followed by a question. This is a much softer approach to over throw wrong thinking than to change it outright which might be taken personally.

If you can engage them in enough conversation, they will soon realize their position is untenable. At that point, you get one of two reactions. Either they acknowledge there is error in their understanding or they begin repeating the statements on which their belief is based and cut off the conversation. It should be noted that even though they may acknowledge errors in their understanding, few will make an abrupt change at that moment. Nonetheless, you will have planted the seeds of doubt on which you or someone else will be able to build at a later time. I have found that logic rarely wins them over but logic combined with love can work wonders.

Aaron:
It's true that reality depends on your perception of it. If you and I are standing in different places but looking at the same thing, we see it differently... but the thing, itself, has not changed. It is not relative. Our perception of it is relative. For example, I'm standing on the North side of the playground and you are standing on the East side of the playground. Two perspectives... same playground. Sometimes people see the truth from a different perspective, but the truth is the same for everyone.

slideman:
Perception by definition is relative. Truth by definition cannot be relative. There can be no perception of truth. There is only truth.

Now, it is indeed a long and twisted road that we must take to get to truth. It is along this road that some get lost. This is why everything must be traced back to ultimate truth and each of the lies, distortions, distractions and relativism eliminated in order for people to see truth.

This however, makes the simplest of statements, actions, decisions, etc. agonizingly difficult to deal with. Philosophical questions are inherently difficult.

Tim:
I think the definition is self-refuting because the person who says it wants you to believe it is ABSOLUTELY true that all truth is relative. It's like saying, "All truth is relative...accept the truth that all truth is relative!"

As someone said, truth is that which corresponds to reality (ultimately I think truth is that which comports propositionally to the mind of God...but that a bit more technical ). Our perception of things maybe relative, but our perceptions don't determine truth.

Ed Detlie:
You can bring up the concept of Social Math, which Dr. Tackett discussed in the in-person session in Branson, Missouri. Some schools are setting up Social Math groups, where, if the group agrees that 22=5, then that's the right answer; in that case, 22 does not equal 4. Do you want to fly on a plane that has a GPS system whose designer was raised on Social Math? Not me.

Veridicus:
Good discussion -- it's helping me to clarify my thoughts on the issue. I am by no means an authority, and I certainly could be mistaken on many points, however it seems that Truth and Reality are intimately related, but distinct concepts. As Del taught, truth is conformity with fact or reality. For one entity (truth) to conform to another entity (reality), the entities must be, in some measure, distinct from one another.

Reality is the "bedrock" -- it exists whether I or anyone else make claims about it. Said another way, reality is that which exists independently of ideas concerning it. So for example, God existed before humans; sub-atomic particles were a component of reality long before humans knew they existed. These are examples of the presence of objective reality in the absence of truth claims.

Truth exists in the context of a claim about reality. Claims can be true or false as measured against reality. Once someone claimed that sub-atomic particles exist, that claim could be evaluated as true or false, and that claim does not alter actual reality.

Jesus claimed to be "the way, the truth and the life." His claim can be evaluated as true or false via general and special revelation. (To be clear, I believe the evidence clearly suggests His claims are true, and all will one day know whether our beliefs aligned with reality, and subsequently were true -- and therefore represented Truth -- or whether they were false)

So (for clarity) I would not make the claim "I believe in tithing"; I struggle with the many potential meanings of that statement. I might make the claim "The Bible calls us to tithe" -- I can get my head around the truthfulness of that statement. While whether I tithe is related to whether I actually believe the claim is true, it also seems to be realted to other factors. I agree that we would be justified in quesioning the veracity of a person's claim to believe they are called to tithe, when they do ot tithe.

So when Jesus said he was born to testify to truth, he came to (co-opting Del's words) affirm that we can "really believe" that what God has declared is "really real". He lived a life affirming the reality of this Universe as God created it. And (as an aside) as the author of this universe, God gave us the rules of logic, which allow us to have this discussion!

Further, I did not claim truth depends on one's belief, in fact just the opposite: beliefs can only be declared to be true if and only if they conform to reality.

So to summarize:
Reality exists independent of any claims against it.
Truth exists in the context of claims against reality.
Beliefs (which are claims) do not influence Truth; beliefs can be labeled as true or false.
By "testifying to the truth", Jesus affirmed the reality of God's nature as evidenced through general and special revelation.

bikerchick:
I have friends who are into the 'my truth--your truth' thing. That is why I love Dr. Sproul's definition in TTP: Truth is that which corresponds to reality as perceived by God.

TLE:
This is an interesting discussion.

I wanted to see the first time that "truth" was used in scripture. The verse talks about speaks of Lord God and in Deuteronomy 32:3-4 it talks about God being a God of truth. I like to use Strongs to see what the words meant and have put the reference below. One of the definitions is sureness and reliability. This led me to James 1:17 which talks about the Father of Lights in which there is no variableness, no shadow. I think this means light and I believe it implies no darkness. Doesn't this mean "black" or "white?"

"Gen 24:27      And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth : I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren ."

In Strongs Lexicon (0571):
n f

1) firmness, faithfulness, truth

a) sureness, reliability

b) stability, continuance

c) faithfulness, reliableness

d) truth

1) as spoken

2) of testimony and judgment

3) of divine instruction

4) truth as a body of ethical or religious knowledge

5) true doctrine

adv

2) in truth, truly

Deuteronomy 3 For I proclaim the name of the LORD:
      Ascribe greatness to our God.

4 He is the Rock, His work is perfect;
      For all His ways are justice,
      A God of truth and without injustice;
      Righteous and upright is He.

Jam 1:17      Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

Are the end times coming?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:05:16 GMT

I just saw two videos that make me think that the end times are coming sooner than later. I signed up to this forum to get some advice from a christian community. What do you think? And How should WE respond to this issue?

I think it was about 30 years ago my church at the time showed some "End Times" movies. Scary watching them as a child, but what if it is here now. What is the truth we stand up for?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxm9GzVSWIo&feature=related and

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/urgent-info-swine-flu-vacc-and-rfid-braclet/2900059095/?icid=VIDLRVNWS02

Need advice on emotional 11 yr old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 01:34:41 GMT

I have been struggling with the best way to deal with my daughters often outburst of being upset, angry etc. This has been going on for the last couple of years and I know its more of an internal thing. I don't know where to draw the line as she often blames being misunderstood and not every saying the right thing. She is a very smart girl, no issues in school, loves to read. But she seems to let the smallest things bring her down to tears. I can't tell if she's just wanting attention or if there is a different issue. Lately when we get into arguments she begins to make absolutely no sense which has me very concerned. She will say one thing and then swear she never said it 5 mins later. Its an ugly cycle and I'm at my end. I've uncovered through our talks that she feels its unfair that everyone gets to tell her what to do but she never has any say. She has had a tough time in school and always comes home complaining that everyone makes fun of her, that her teachers yell at her, its always something. She never seems to be happy. Nothing seems to excite her and she always gives up on things way to easily. I have tried to instill a good work ethic, she has chores that she is responsible for and helping around the house with no allowance. She's a good kid and has a big heart - always wants to help everyone she can. But I am concern she plays a victim for attention and is battling some emotions she doesn't know how to handle. Her father left about 7 years ago and I've been with her Stepdad for 3 years. He has been a wonderful father to her but they have a sometimes strained relationship because of this too. We just don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated!

marijuana use?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:17:43 GMT

My husband thinks that it is ok to use this drug. I on the other hand do not. It is causing a lot of issues in our marriage and has for quite awhile now.

I guess I just wanted to see if there is anyone else in the same situation as I am. What it is like, how you deal with this?

Unforgiven

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 00:01:33 GMT

I've been a christian since I was 20 years old, with my ups and downs, I have always feared the Lord and have always put him first in my life. I have been married for 20 years to a man I love dearly, but resent for many reasons (controlling, angry, never trusted me etc), I did not plan to hurt my husband or our family, my communication with an old school friend started very innocent, but then developed into this loving/caring relationship and feelings started to rise. Although in my heart I knew it was wrong, I attempted to end but will end up falling again, there was never physical contact, I have never seen him in person, and I was always careful not to get into sexual discussions, but I know and admit that it was wrong. I have admitted it to my husband (he jacked my email) I felt shame and very low. I have asked him to forgive me and I have determined to stay and work things out as I think that is the right thing to do, we even spoke to someone very closed to us who gave us some good advise. My problem is that I have asked for forgiveness so many times he says he has forgiven me but, he keeps bring it up on my face daily, reminding of my wrong doing to the point that I feel that he is just staying with me to make me pay for my sin . Its frustrating and at times I even think if its worth keep trying since he's not moving on. This is the only time I have been unfaithful since we got married 20 years ago. I am trying my best to gain his trust (although he's never trusted me), I'm trying really hard to please him. some days are ok, some others are living hell. I ask the Lord to give me patience everyday, and even though I know the Lord has forgiven me, I feel the guilt, shame, and the heaviness of being unforgiven by my husband. How can re assure my husband that I love him and that I'm committed to us? help, I don't know what else to do.

02/26/10 -- Focus Ad Pulled by NCAA

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 22:24:37 GMT

What is your reaction to the NCAA pulling the latest Focus on the Family ad from it's website?

The Associated Press reports that a new banner ad from Focus on the Family has been removed from the sports organization's Web site. The ad shows a father holding his son, the title, "Celebrate Family. Celebrate Life," with a caption that reads "All I want for my son is for him to grow up knowing how to do the right thing," When hostile gay and lesbian groups began to complain, it was removed because of the perceived identity of Focus as portrayed in the liberal media, not the ad's message. Read the entire story in the 02/26/10 edition of The Pastor's Weekly Briefing.

Is it ok for my wife to talk to her old boyfriend on facebook

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 04:00:47 GMT

This has been an ongoing debate between me and my wife for awhile now. She has been talking to him since June of 09 and it slowly got worse. The more that I tried to steer her away from him the more she seemed to go to him. They chat online and talk about the day, he talks very sexually in a joking way to her. I have seen some emails and messages that they have sent saying things like, I miss how things were, and he would say the same. Eventually she got tired of me looking over her shoulder making sure she was saying the right things to him and ended up leaving to stay, only at nights at her friends house. We did get most of this talked out and she is staying at home now and we are talking well and all seems good. But she talks to him through Facebook at nights mostly when I am in bed. She insists that she is only friends with him and nothing else, and I do believe her. She does not know where or when it would be to far to go with being his friend. She even got him a present for Christmas, and two birthday presents without telling me about it. She also likes his mom and insists on trying to talk to her and to go to her house to catch up. I don't know what to do, if I bring up my concerns again she will shut down on me emotionally and we will be back where we started. This has truly tested my faith in so many ways but has also stregthened my prayer life and in reading the bible. Any advice for me?

Denominations

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 21:52:36 GMT

I was wondering what everyone out there thought about denominations... I believe that they are wrong... or at least not what God had in mind. Of course, the ancient church was split into seperate churches, but this was due to distance (by churches I am not refering to buildings. God clearly makes several calls for unity in the bible (John 17:20-21, Acts 2:44, Ephesians 4:15-16) Even if you don't think denominationalism is wrong, don't you think it needs to be tweaked. Even talking about denominations as I'm doing now does two things. 1. It connontates (big word spelling check) the church away from the people and 2. It doesn't support the fact that christians today are called to be one body, not several.

Even I'll admit that we can be too "unified". We have to find a balance between independent "churches" (this time I'm referring to the group that meets in one building) and a system where one guy-unless it's the trinity- controls thousands of people with every word. (if you caught the attack on catholicism...)

The point I'm trying to make is that there should be ONE church in the U.S. and our body (singular) should be focused up towards God. Then you realize that there really is only one simple theology.

1. God created us to be in a relationship with him and other people

2. God wants to have a relationship with everyone alive (evangelism)

3. God wants to have a relationship with you

4. relationship equals love. Can anyone find a law or commandment that does not fall under "love is patient, love is kind" 1 corinthians 13?

9 yo with ADHD so impulsive

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 13 May 2004 08:25:17 GMT

I am a mom of a 9y/o girl who has ADHD. She is currently taking concerta for the ADHD, which helps her "calm down" enough to do well in school. (She has an IQ of 135 and is a gifted program.) Despite being very smart she seems to have no common sense. This a.m. before school she is out jumping in a mud puddle with her shoes on. She makes goofy noises, does things just to get attention (good or bad). When you ask why she does what she does she becomes teary-eyed, makes statements that no one loves her, that she's stupid, etc. I am at my wit’s end on how to deal with this. I have 2 others kids (both teens who no longer live at home) and don't remember the defiance that my 9 y/o exhibits. She is very emotional and has very little self-esteem.

I don't want to be a pastor's wife!!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:58:42 GMT

I feel very selfish and unGodly writing this. My husand became a bi-vacational pastor one year ago. He didn't make the move until I agreed (admittedly reluctantly). We had been a vital part of a church that hurt us badly and frankly, I was not all too keen on going down the path of giving up all of our personal time for church. I thought and prayed about it for about a year, and finally agreed --- but perhaps for the wrong reasons. I agreed because my husband felt a true calling, and I didn't want to stand before God someday and have to answer for why I prevented my husband from following his calling. I thought I could handle the sacrifice of time together by finding other things to do. Well....surprise!!! As you all are well aware (and I really wasn't), his calling has forced me into the role of "Pastor's wife". There are a LOT of expectations in this role. I'm an introvert by nature, and although I enjoy people, I get extraordinarily frustrated with always having to act as the "gracious host". I'm expected to attend all social events, wearing a smile on my face. I'm expected to committ to our Bible study group once a week. These are all good things, and perhaps I would feel differently if I didn't feel so resentful about being forced into this role. I work full-time, so my free time is precious. I'm vacilate between feeling like a horrible, selfish wife when I have been blessed with such a Godly husband, back to feeling SO horribly resentful that just because my husband is called, that I have to change my life so completely. I want to be active in a church and serve God, but I feel like I don't really have a choice in the matter. I'm ashamed to say that I'm getting angrier all the time, and I'm starting to skip church and skip Bible study....etc. Either I'm not ready for this, or I'm just too selfish to be in this role. I don't think God is happy with me right now, so I've been avoiding him WHICH I KNOW IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING TO DO! But I feel like I'm in a tug-of-war with God over my husband and my life! DOES ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE FEEL THIS WAY??????? I often feel my husband would be better off without me standing in his way, or with a wife who can be a perfect little helper without having these meltdowns every couple of months.

Curfew for 18 years olds?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:52:27 GMT

My daughter has proven that she is trustworthy. We really have never had any issues. She has always been mature and has alot of wisdom for her years. This has created an 18 year old that feels she should be able to come home at any hour ! She says she should be able to come home at 4 a.m. and we should not wait up and suffer the same lack of sleep. Should a 18 year old have a curfew? We would appreciate it if she did come in late that it would be 2a.m. the latest. Is this unreasonable?

Grandparent sleepovers - PROBLEM or NOT

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 17 May 2010 16:54:13 GMT

My inlaws are really loving to my 2 young kids, 3 and 1 year old. Their house is full of toys and pretty safe in general during daytime visits and babysitting time. But, my MIL and I never got along. She has her views and doesnt know when to bite her tongue. There are lots of past incidents to cause friction but the new issue is my MIL and our 3 year old daughter and recent sleepovers. My 3 year old goes to her MIL to babysit 2 days a week. My MIL has a new crib that she removed the side making it a toddler bed. My daughter will not stay in her bad, resulting in no naps on MIL's babysitting days. My MIL complains that my daughter wont listen and refuses to take naps also being a problem. It is easy to see behavior that verify's my daughter did not get her needed nap. My daughter takes long 2-3 hour naps for me at home because she can not get out of her crib. MIL however refuses to put the crib side back on. We have issues with our house setup and want to keep our 3 year old in a crib until we get a bigger bedroom set up for a toddler bed - and when she is ready to stay put. At 3, she can open doors and climb up her chest of drawers, lots of dangerous things can happen at night if she gets up and we don't also wake up to catch her. MIL had been asking to have a sleepover. My husband said, "Sure, put the rail back on so she stays in bed and sleeps." A quick fix - the bed simply was turned with the openside to the wall for her to stay put. The overnight was arranged and the next morning we discover the bed infact did not stay turned open-side to the wall and my daughter slept, or played ? all night, in her grandparents bed!!! I don't feel it is a good practice, and don't want my daughter to sleep in bed all night with her grandparents. She has a bed they need to respect us and keep her in her own bed. Now 2nd overnight, the same thing happened and my daughter was exhausted the entire next day. Then my MIL started up the discussion and prompting my daughter to say, "Tell your mommy that you don't want a crib. You want a BIG GIRL Bed." and she then added, and tell your mom you ' want your hair cut too, . . . my hair is too long and gets in the way." Which my daughter has never said before about her hair.

I see this resistant action by my MIL and prompting to get my daughter to say what my MIL wants to voice as disrespectful to me and a big problem. The last thing we want/need is our daughter having a problem at home in her crib. We both agree that no more sleepovers for - who knows - a while. I love to see my kids with happy grandparents in a happy and SAFE environment but what would you do about these actions of MIL? ? ?

Major marital issues

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 18:24:59 GMT

I dont even know where to begin here.... i have been married for 6 years. With my husband for 15. I ahve a daughter who is 16 that was prior to meeting him. My husband despises her. he says he doesnt but is actions and words to be about her say otherwise. We ahve a 5 year old together who is the apple of his eye. She can do no wrong.

He constantly puts me down and makes me feel like a worthless piece of doo doo, then the next day he will tell he how ai am the best wife and mother and make me feel like a million bucks. Its a cycle, verbal bashing, treated like a princess, he'll snap cause of something my daughter or I do that he deens wrong and then the cycle starts again. In jan I had enough and when he told me to get out (like he always does when he gets mad...) I did. He was devistated.

Since then we had counseling, sold our house and things started to get better. Now our lease is up and he has a job 1 hour south so we need to move. We cant find a place within our budget and he wants us to move in with his parents. It iwll save us a lt of money etc... yet I feel deep down that this is probably a very bad move. Yes it will keep my teen daughter in the same school and with her peers, she wont have to change friends or jobs which is important, but living with his parents? theya re going to go away for 3 months but still... when they come back?

I am thinking this will be the final demise of our marriage. His mother is worse then the mother on everybody loves raymond. She is meddeling, over opinionated and hovers over us. He thrives on that, it makes him feel loved. me on the other hand - i can not stand it. What to do.... help?????

Help, scared my 2 yr boy is not normal

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 03:51:19 GMT

I have only mentioned my sons behavior to his pediatrician twice. Both times she quickly dismissed him as just being strong willed and active. She has also said to me, "Maybe you and your husband are just so laid back, it just makes it seem like he is hyperactive and a behavior." I am afraid it is more than that. I think the pediatrician is looking at the fact that he is meeting milestones. He is slower in his talking than my others but he is very smart. He can be very challenging as far as opening things and climbing. There is no safe place you can put him or keep him from climbing on something and that has been going on before he was a yr old. I have 5 children ranging from 19-2 yrs. Two children were very good as babies and normally active toddlers and two where quite a bit more difficult. This one has been different from the start. From about a month old he would scream so high pitched, when changing his diaper, it felt like my eardrums would burst. I now think all this time he didn't like the cold wipes or me holding his feet up to clean him. He was a very cranky baby that I was not able to sooth. We went through medications for reflux, nothing helped. I breastfed for a yr but had problems with milk supply since I am on synthroid for my thyroid. He was small and under weight. I thought after we added food and he gained maybe his personality would improve. It seemed to improve a little but then we entered the toddler yrs. He also seems to have some allergy problems and suffered from 5 ear infections in a yr but has not had one since last fall. It seems, although he is very attached to me, I wonder about our bond sometimes. He is a very moody child and the whole family has struggled to deal with him to try to keep peace in the house. He screams and throws trantrums on a dime. He is also growing increasingly stronger and more violent with his actions. He has left marks on me and my 5 yr old. He pinches, bites, pulls hair and throws things. I have tried every form of punishment but it only seems to escalate his reaction. I have grown very frustrated and don't know what to do. We usually have about 3 good days a wk and he can be so funny. He has such a great laugh and smile when he uses it he can melt your heart. A habit he has developed is playing with mine or my husbands ear lobe as a form of comfort. Sometimes he moves his fingers back and forth over my elbow or knuckles when he is tired or nervous. If he has something in mind the way he wants it or wants to do something and it doesn't happen it becomes a major melt down. Half the time it takes two people to get him into his car seat. He screams and becomes very strong and refuses to sit and be buckled in other times he will go in no problem. I am afraid when he is screaming and going nuts that someone will think I am harming him. The only ones that have seen this really bad outbursts are my parents, my husbands mom and my sister. They are puzzled and not sure what to think. The really puzzling thing to me is sometimes around others he can seem quite good and people don't believe he can be the child I have described. He is usually very shy of new people and doesn't display this behavior. I am really worried about his behavior though. It is hard to believe a child this young could have this much anxiety and anger. I have always felt in the past you can love them out of this. This has been an ongoing daily trial that is wearing me down and causing me anxiety and depression, I fear, not to mention the toll it has taken on our marriage and other children. I pray for my son but don't know what to do to help him. Has anyone dealt with a child like this? Should I seek a specialist or am I just overly concerned?

Leviticus speaks of a year of Jubilee in which debts are forgiven, prisoners and slaves are freed, etc. If the U.S. is a Christian nation why do we not have a year of Jubilee?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 20:11:33 GMT

I am not sure to whom our national debt is owed. I believe much of it is in the form of bonds bought by U.S. citizens. Perhaps we need a Jubilee in which Christians at least forgive the debt owed them by the U.S. government. If others joined it could go a long ways towards reducing the deficit. Many people lanuish in prison for minor crimes, some such as minor marijuana offenses people are no longer imprisoned for. While there may be some prisoners who would be a danger to society and should not be freed I believe most prisoners should be freed during a Jubilee. The Pope declared 2000 to be a year of Jubilee but I think this merely applied to the Catholic Church and had little effect on the rest of society. I am certain this will be done when Christ returns and starts his millennial reign. Why wait for Him?

In tour 2 our class wants to know what the 10 questions were that were in the survey that only 4%-9% HAD A BIBLICAL WORLDVEIW

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:06:21 GMT

In our class the students wanted to know what the 10 questions where. The questions that were in the survey that stated only 4%-9% had a biblical worldveiw.

Teen boys dipping?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:56:36 GMT

I have been so happy today. My teen son (he is 16) was saved while visiting a friends church. My balloon was quickly deflated when he told me that the whole church practically is in the habit of dipping snuff. Even the teens and he participated right along with them. I am happy he told me the truth but it was in hopes that I would now allow him to since these people who led him to Christ think it's okay. My Dad smoked and it was always a stumbling block to me as I grew up. I told my son that evidently these kids parents allow them to dip but that if he was interested in obeying God now that he was saved then God wanted him to obey me and I say no to dipping. I hope I can get some comments, help, advice from some of you about this subject. Thanks , Sheri

This is a hard one

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 14 May 2010 15:16:10 GMT

First I want to say how blessed I am by God providing me with a husband after walking and waiting on the Lord for 25 years when I surrendered marriage up as a new Christian. I like to get to the point so here it goes...we have been married for 10 months and my husband has not had a orgasm.

He was abused at a young age and was introduced to porn. He had no problem with masturbating and ejeculating before we were married but now with the real thing he does. I still have a higher sex drive also and our age and some health issues are against us..and we are doing all the right things like counseling, prayer etc...

My question is do we keep praying for God to heal this area so we can have some more fulfillment in this area especially for my husband? We have hurt much over this area and cried much and have cried even recently and keep trying to cry to the Lord. Like I keep saying to Jesus look lord we don't have the luxury of time on our side here either.

Should we keep hoping that Jesus will bring healing and freedom to us in this area even for a little while? And how can we be encouraged in this" trial and waiting for God process"? That's the battle.

Has anyone experienced God's healing or help in this kind of area before? Iguess I'm looking for hope?

One of my groups doesn't appear in the Search feature

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:27:07 GMT

We are currently running two groups on different days of the week. Both of them appear on the home page as groups I'm managing, but when I use the Search feature to look for small groups in my area, only one of them appears in the list.

Tween daughter focused highly on self.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:05:17 GMT

I have four kids. Girl, Boy, Girl (long pause) Girl. There is only 2 1/2 yrs between girl 1 and boy. 2 1/2ish till girl 2 and then 6ish yrs to girl 3. Since girl 3 (11 1/2 yrs difference) girl 1 states routinely she is jealous of girl 3. "Why does SHE get all the attention?" It's not like she had all the attention before girl 3 arrived. That is only one of the self centered issues. It has been a long time that this has been going on. After a discussion yesterday, my wife and I came to the agreement that it appears girl one will not do anything for anyone without complaining unless she gets some sort of pleasure or reward out of it. She is very mean and bossy to her siblings, quietly antagonizing them so they will get in trouble from their loud reactions. If she does not get what she wants, goes where she wants to go, get what she wants when she wants, etc, etc, her attitude goes far down the drain. If she is not told every detail of a situation or an outing, again, attitude in the drain. She is very willing to take her frustrations out on her siblings or parents. I will get an apology every once in a while -several hours after the incident. But, she cannot seem to show charity, kindness, patience (the whole fruits of the Spirit) to anyone without her benefit clearly seen before. Last weekend she had a friend over who brought a movie to watch. I laid out the rule that no movie till the rooms were cleaned. She shares a room with girl 2. Girl 1 refused to help girl 2 finish cleaning and chose instead to make everyone wait to watch the movie. These are a few of the many, many examples. BTW, she does get personal one on one time. A couple of times a month either her mom or I will do something with her. But, we found out last week, apparently shopping for and with her does not count. Bottom line - How can we help our girl feel part of the family without making her head of the house. How do we help her see that focusing only on herself will hurt her now and later in life when the people around her will not be so forgiving? And how do I not get so frustrated with this attitude?

In Healing process after affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:14:41 GMT

Felt like sharing some of my heart tonight. Maybe it will help someone to know that it takes time to heal and that is ok. The Lord is in the process of slowly restoring our shattered marriage from infidelity. My husband had an affair about 2.5 yrs ago. My heart still breaks, writing and I miss keys because the tears are fast coming. This experience has been like flesh tearing and starting to heal and it tearing again. I praise and thank God for turning my husbands heart to Him, which is how the Lord had me pray. We have so far to go still. Days like today are just part of healing the very painful painful part.

With affairs there is so much to process thru. And heal from. Each husband and wife situation is so very different sometimes you must forgive family or friends for aiding, encouraging the behavior unknowingly.

I still have so far to go in healing. Today I see this. Daily I am reminded of the affair. Sometimes just a passing thought, other times quite lingering and torturous. The loss. The loss of a pure relationship. Loss of a holy marriage bed undefiled. Loss of one man, one woman for life. Losses that cannot be placed into words. Shattered forever. My side aches. My throat full, you know that pain deep in your throat. These are losses never to be restored whole on earth. (yes I know the verse Joel 2 I cannot make it fit here) This will always be our reality. Never will our vows have been kept in this way. Maybe to be broken again... only God knows.

Sometimes it is just a hard reality and today is one of those days. I think I never told my husband before today that I think of it everyday. He said simply wow I don't. I am not bitter to him or her. I am hurt. I pray for them both. Though at times (not many) my prayers for her has been knock her out Lord. When I get angry I tell the Lord so. And He helps me. Sometimes in my broken-ness I just lay and say His name Jesus and cry. He knows and I think he might cry with me.

With sin there is always a scar and this sin has left a deep wound upon my soul, this one is just so deep it is taking a while to heal from. I do cry out to the Lord and will continue to. I suppose there is healing in pain. Reminds me of burn victims, though this pales in comparison for the physical pain of course. A dear family member is a survivor of such a tragedy. They go thru much torment and pain in the healing process. Of bandage changings and what she went thru. My insides feel a bit tonight like a bandage change is taking place. It is not pretty, or easy, or fair, or anything. I will wrap my heart around Jesus and His word for healing. For there is no greater comforter than My Jesus.

looking for a devotional

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 02:10:09 GMT

I am looking for suggestions on devotional books to read with my children who are 5, 3, and 2? Any good suggestions. Also a devotional for moms would be great too?

thank u

14 Year Old Daughter and Crush......

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:38:23 GMT

Hi, I have been confused for a while. My daughter goes to a Christian Private School that is from our church. She goes to school with most of the same kids that she goes to church with. For about a year now, her and this other teenager have had a crush on each other (he is a year and a half younger than her). When I first found out I was upset and made her stop talking to him on Facebook and didn't like her hanging around him, even with other people around, at church. The kid is a very good kid and his parents are leaders in the church. After a while I started realizing maybe I was being too harsh and my daughter has never done anything to make me not trust her, so my husband and I agreed to let her talk to him on Facebook and told her it was o.k. if she hung out with him at church as long as they weren't alone. I made it clear if she was ever found crossing any boundaries she would lose those privileges. Well, now she is back in school and he is too. The other day at lunch one of the teachers came up to their lunch table where my daughter and her friends were. The boy happened to be sitting in the seat next to her too. The teacher said he had to move and he was never allowed to sit by her again because she knows exactly what was going on. Well, when I heard this, I asked the teacher why she did all of that. She said it was obvious that they liked each other and they should abstain from even the appearance of evil. From there the boys mom and I (we have touched bases through all of this) met with the principal and he brought up fleeing from sexual immorality and he also said he had never seen them in school or out of school having innapropriate behavior. So, my question is, telling my daughter they could hang out with other people around and even sit next to each other, am I being too easy on her or is the school being too harsh? I don't want to be legalistic and make my daughter feel like having a crush is bad or liking a Christian boy is wrong. I want to guide her through the crush in a Godly way and help her to make wise decisions based on God's word. I also don't want her to feel the church is doing nothing but judging her and make her want to pull away from the church when she is older. What do I do? I know she and him are not doing anything bad, well they wouldn't have a chance because they are never alone. They also know that they are not boyfriend and girlfriend because their parents will not approve of that. Advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

My friend's little girl - she asked me to put it out there for some advice!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 13:02:52 GMT

Hi,

Yes i just put a post out, but this is a totally separate issue!

My cousin, is a single mum of 2 children. About 1 1/2 years ago she split up from her partner, who is the dad of the youngest daughter. (3 1/2 year old). This was a good thing as the father was quite abusive towards the mum.

Anyways, there has constantly been battles between the mum and the dad regarding custody of the daughter, him always wanting more etc...

About 4 months ago an agreement was worked out in court, and it seemed like a reasonable compromise, However, the dad, has recently been not spending much time with Rhani (the daughter) at all. E.G. She would be going to stay with him for 3 days whilst he was back in town on his shift off. (He works in a mining place, and would come back every fortnight for 3 - 4 days. But they would meet at the designated time and place, and he would not show up, or pick her up and say it was only for 1 day instead of the 3 days. Obviously this has been hurting Rhani and it's showing obvious side effects.

E.G. Not going to the toilet on the toilet, being very clingy with mum, not playing with her brother or other kids, etc...

Jasmine has been trying to reassure her, make her feel safe, praying especially for this etc... But just doesn't know what to do. She doesn't have internet, so she asked me to put something to you guys incase someone had some ideas.

Thanks everyone

Claire

What to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:53:14 GMT

Hi There,

this is my second post an not sure where to start. I have been told by friends, family and even a counselor that I have done far beyond what most woman would do. So now pick up myself and leave because my husbands wants out and says numerously that he wants his freedom and he feels trapped, but still leaves with me. Don't get me wrong my heart is still for my marriage. He hardly talks to me anymore we live in the same house no kids. If i go somewhere out of courtesy I will let him know where am going, but he does not do the same for me. He sleeps on the sofa and seems he does not have a care in the world. I try to communicate with him but I only get Yes and No responses. I have been praying and fasting but no change. Am I stupid not to listen to what people are saying, they are looking in for the outside and sees what is going on, and said nobody should have to live like this. HE doesn't want counseling. What should I do.

Age-Appropriate Chores Question

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 23:09:09 GMT

Hello -

We have a 9 year old son (whom we homeschool, BTW). I read the "Age-Appropriate Chores" series, but I didn't see anything about allowance or compensation for work. I get the perspective that he needs to work and do chores as a member of the family. However, we are also trying to teach him about how to handle money and not let money handle you. We all went through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and my wife and I have agreed that he will not get an allowance of any type. Instead he will be on a commission schedule, just like the real world; if he works, he gets paid. If he doesn't, he doesn't. So my question is this: which chores should he earn money for and which ones shouldn't he? If we add additional chores to the list in the article - which I think is a very good list - I think we'll be placing far too big a burden on him. That would be a lot to do. I've considered having him suggest extra things to do to earn money and will implement that. But that's not entirely inline with the real world lesson of being paid for the work you do; if I were paid on commission, it wouldn't be incumbent on me to go to my boss with things I can do to get paid. Maybe for some beyond-my-job-description or out-of-the-box stuff, but not everything.

OK, that's way too much 411 - sorry! The question is: what chores should a 9 year old boy be paid for?

Thanks.

What does it take to convince?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:40:56 GMT

I have just recently watched Toy Story (great movie by the way). The part I would like to draw attension to is when Buzz and Woody are at the gas station after they fought each other. Buzz tells Woody that his mission with Space Command is jeopordized. Out of extreme frustration Woody says, "YOU ARE A TOY!!! YOU ARE A CHILD'S PLAYTHING!!! YOU'RE AN ACTION FIGURE!!! This was hilarious to me, but unfortunate because no matter what Woody said, Buzz still believed he was a space ranger. Buzz would not just wake up to reality. There is a great truth in this scene.

What are your thoughts?

I Can't Figure Out Where I Stand or What is Going On - I Am Confused

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:37:33 GMT

Mine is a strange situation. In December 2008, my husband found out that I used all the money in our savings account, without consulting him. My defense was that I was replacing the money he was spending on lottery tickets with the money from savings to pay bills and support our family (his two teenaged children from another relationship) because more money was going out than was coming in. I stayed in the house until February 2009, when he told me he wanted to separate and get his life straightened out. At that time I got an apartment (his kids stayed with him) in the same building, just a few floors below his. Here is the strange part. To date we have not spent one night apart unless I have gone to visit my family in Pennsylvania (he refuses to ever go back there) or we have argued. Either I stay at his place or he stays at mine. At times we have set backs that scare me. I don't want a divorce, I've been through that three times already, but for some reason I am fighting for this marriage. Does that mean it was meant to be? I have no relationship with his kids any longer, my step-daughter completely ignores me and my step-son is polite. He still talks to me about the kids and what is going on, good or bad, and asks me for help with problems he is having with the phone company, etc. I know my husband doesn't trust me because of what I did and I am trying so hard to gain that trust back but nothing seems to work. Whenever I say anything about moving home or getting back together he tells me I am the one who left because I wanted to live by myself when he is the one who asked for the separation. He says he drinks because he is hurt, but that is just an excuse, he drank alot before all this mess happened, and has been acting very strange. For instance, last night I was upstairs at his place and his cell phone rang, he left the room to have his conversation because he didn't want me to hear it, came back into the room for a bit, picked up his phone and left again to call someone. I told him I thought I would just go home and he said bye. I left, but not before I told him how I felt about what he was doing, that I was very uncomfortable. He told me that I do what I want and go where I want so why can't he. I reminded him that I don't go anywhere, I go to work and home, and to Pennsylvania to visit my mother and he knows it. Next, he got dressed and said he was going for a walk and left, ten minutes later he was back, got undressed, crawled back in bed and asked if I was coming to bed. Again the phone rings, he leaves the room, comes back and says "It isn't what you think it is" (I have yet to verbalize my thoughts), goes into the bedroom and begins dressing again, all the while telling me if I think he's having an affair that's up to me, but he's not, he's going to help a friend. By now I'm tired so I tell him he should call me when he's done doing whatever it is he's doing. He says ok and we both leave his place at the same time. We rode down in the elevator together, when we got to my floor, he said he would be back soon, I didn't even acknowledge what he said, I just got off the elevator and went home. I never heard from him so when the t.v. woke me at 2:15am I called his cell phone and he answered so I hung up, I guess if he was having an affair he wouldn't have answered the phone. He called me right back and I fibbed, saying the phone was in my pocket and I must have rolled on it and it redialed the last number I called.

I don't know what make of what is happening, Our previous fight was over his drinking, That night I prayed to GOD for an answer, the next morning I woke up with lyrics from an Alicia Keys song in my head "Everythings gonn be alright", this was GOD's message to me that indeed everything is going to be alright. I am trying very hard to trust that GOD will soften my husband's heart and allow me to come home.

parent's role with unbelieving adult child

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 15:35:02 GMT

Recently our 23 yr.old daughter has vocally rejected Christ. She is completely self absorbed and I think somewhat of a humanist. Our beliefs she says are just coping mechanisms for our weakness. She is out to experience all the pleasures the world has to offer (she said this). She is dating a young man who is of like mind. I can't decide if she is completely unaware of how her comments deeply hurt us or if she delights in making statements to us that are against our beliefs. (for instance, she asked us if she could borrow our car to go visit him for the weekend.) It not only hurts because she has rejected what we love and hold dear but it is so disrespectful and shows such disdain for us. I weep for her because she is so lost and I pray for her always. I weep because she has no respect for authority and has dishonored the Lord. It is so painful to be around her.

I have searched the Word for help but I have yet to find how I am to respond to her. The last time I shared with her I realized what Jesus meant when He said not to share your pearls with swine because they will turn and rip you to pieces. Her mind is closed to any truth. I know that I am suffering the consequences for not teaching my children the Word when they were young. That is painful as well. Now, it is too late.

What do I do now? It is causing conflict between my husband and myself because our approach is different. What is the biblical way to respond? In God's law (Dt. 21:18-21) it states that adult children who disobeyed their parents were to be stoned to death! (certainly not advocating this.) Then there is the parable of the lost son where the parent gave all to a disobedient son. I know that illustrates God's love to His chosen but is it an illustration also for how we should parent? Then when Paul advises what to do with the sinning church member (type of family), he is to be cast out.

So do we maintain a relationship and set boundaries? if so what are the exact boundaries? Are we to cut ties? I can't bear the thought that, but I can bearly stand the conflict now. I want to honor God in this and I know sometimes His ways are hard at first but reap blessings later. She says she loves us but honestly how can you love someone and then be so callous and disrespectful to them?

why is abortion such a big deal to christians?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:53:27 GMT

So, why is abortion such a big deal to christians.

I've done a bit of research and it appears in most ancient cultures, including the hebrew one, abortions were common. In fact, I believe in the hebrew culture, a women wasn't considered pregnant until 40 days after conception. If she had an abortion before then, that was fine.

And, the biggest thing i've been amazed to find is:

the bible makes no mention of the issue!

That's right, I've found not a peep about abortion in the bible. So, God has not communicated with us about that issue. Despite the fact that old testament law lays out rules for some of the most mundane aspects of living (many of which we christians say don't apply to us by the way).

Yet, abortion seems to be the most important issue for so many christians.

Can anyone help me understand this?

Thanks

Mojo

Are My Concerns Valid?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 17:54:46 GMT

I have posted on here one other time, and rather like the anonymity that comes with sharing and getting responses. It’s nice to know that I can expect honest answers from men and women who also walk with God. Reading and commenting on other posts confirms that I can get good advice here and encouragement.

With that being said, I struggle with my husband on quite a few things and I sometimes wonder if they are even valid concerns, and if they are, how do I approach him without leading to an argument? There is already a rift between us due to the inner struggles, and I want to do things right.

Lately we (more I, than him maybe) have been struggling with intimacy issues. Over the last couple of weeks I expressed some of my needs and we had a great wave of communication open and spent a great weekend together. One week and a follow up weekend and that growing rift is back. I want it gone!

I am in a very unhappy place career wise and we struggle to make ends meet it seems like every other month. Not because of my job, but because his career choice just doesn’t provide enough. He co-owns a rehearsal studio for bands and does guitar repair. His business partner claims to be a Christian, but says he can’t go to church because he always gets stomach aches when he is there. My husband refers to his job as a “God Thing” but I don’t see God in it. And for the most part, it keeps him from being with his family. He spends adequate time with our daughter because he stays home with her during the day while I am at work, but most nights as soon as I get home he leaves and goes to work as soon as I get home and does not get home until Midnight or later. Just recently they hired someone to work weekends so we could see him more so that has helped our relationship a lot. Last weekend though he spent Friday night at his partner’s house and did not come home until long after I had fallen asleep, and did the same on Sunday evening.

Saturday was rough for me because I had a discussion with my brothers about our mom and the way we all grew up. They don’t remember a lot and there are things going on for them now that they wanted some clarification on. My brothers are younger than I am, 22 and 15 years old. A lot of the things I talked about my husband had never heard before and they made him very angry. He ended up raising his voice at my brothers declaring that I am “messed up” because of my mom and he just doesn’t understand. When we went to bed he tried to play around with me and when he got no response from me and I told him that he bummed me out and I wanted to explain, he immediately shut down and told me that he didn’t care and ignored me, and left me to fall asleep by myself. I wept so hard Sunday morning at church before we took communion letting go of everything I felt from the night before, because the thing is that yes, I was messed up, but I’m not anymore. My husband however, declares these kind of things about me quite often. Derogatory statements about my past sins, my emotional scars, and the mental hang ups from my parents. I feel when he says these things, that he is chaining me to Satan’s lies. Is this my own insecurity, or a valued concern I need to bring up to my husband?

I know that he felt me cry and saw the weight lifted from shoulders during service, because he opened my door for me at church and was very loving towards me for a few hours after we got home. I was changing from lounging clothes to an outfit more suitable to go out and about in because we were going to go get ice cream, and he saw me in the shorts I was going to wear out and the tank top I was wearing around the house. I never would wear the 2 together, they definitely are not flattering, but he looked at me and said, “Wow, you look terrible.” I tried to tell him that he hurt my feelings, but it was like he was on a roll, and kept continuing to make jokes until he left to go to his partner’s house. This is something he does more often than I would like, though it is not always about my physical appearance. Sometimes it’s the way I talk, or how loud I laugh, how I drive, or even vacuum. Again, is this my own insecurity or a valued concern I need to bring up to my husband?

Throughout our marriage as our Faith has gotten stronger, I have desired for our Faith to grow together and have expressed this to my husband. I have suggested we read our bibles together, take time to pray together, do devotions together, or share with each other what we learned in our individual bible study time. I couldn’t have asked more than 10 times, but I feel as though I shouldn’t have had to ask more than twice about any of these for him to make an effort. I believe that when the Bible says we are one flesh, that we need to encourage one another and seek God together. I also was raised to believe that it was the man’s calling as the head to establish this. I don’t know if that is true, or if that was just old fashioned, but either way, it’s my desire for us to be strong in the Lord together.

Quite frequently my husband says he feels like God is calling him to do something, or God has revealed to him that it will happen this particular way. With this he makes decisions and doesn’t even tell me! Something was said in church and Sunday that led him to believe God spoke about a step that needs to be taken in his business and he made the decision Monday. Maybe God does speak that fast, but when I seek God for answers, he makes me wait awhile! As do the majority of my friends. I want to believe my husband, but I feel excluded and a little jealous that he never asks me to pray and seek God in these decisions that ultimately affect our family as a whole. Does God answer that quickly? Is it ok that my husband seeks God all the time on his own? How do I make him understand that I want him to be my spiritual partner as well? I have to be honest. I am very jealous that when our Pastor speaks about putting God in the center of your business and it will succeed, I see my husband applying it, but when our Pastor says the same thing about marriage, it seems as though he doesn’t have the time.

I would really appreciate some advice and answers!

Grand Canyon

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 25 May 2010 14:54:26 GMT

The background: Phil (aka Philadiddle) has been challenging me and Lou (among other young earth creationists) to provide "positive evidence" for a young earth philosophy based in science, not scripture. The way Phil tells it, we've concentrated on breaking down evolutionary theory -- poking holes in it, but haven't really given much evidence for a young earth.

Now, I seem to remember bringing examples up from time to time, and I believe Lou has too. For instance I posted a thread on Carbon 14 Dating which made much of the fact not just that C14 is a very fallible process, but (the key!) that there's Carbon 14 in just about everything in our world. That's evidence for a young earth because C14 ceases to exist after about 50-70,000 years because of its half-life, and so anything 80,000 years old or longer should be "carbon dead" -- should have no measurable C14. The thread devolved (no pun intended) into explanations about how C14 exists in the environment, and therefore there's C14 contamination. At which point I noted that would tend to compromise the reliability of C14 dating as a scientific method... Anyway, the discussion ground to a halt as I recall. I'll go back and look to see if I've perhaps got discussions still needing conclusion there.

But just so we know there's another whole thread focused on this, I'll start another...

For this, I'll bring up something that has really, REALLY bugged me over the years as an inconsistency in old earth theories. I know there are "explanations" (I read: "excuses") for why this is so, but they've never satisfied my logical nature.

It bothered Del Tackett, too, because he blogged on it during his series on the Grand Canyon.

And so I'll start it there, by referring you all to Del Tackett's blog about layers: http://deltackett.com/2008/08/01/the-%e2%80%9ccanyon%e2%80%9d-thursday/

To sum up: What bothers us is this. Supposedly these layers of ground built up over millions of years, with perhaps hundreds of thousands of years between each deposition.

If so, then why are these layers identifiable as layers despite hundreds of thousands of years of what should be uneven erosion? Sure, I can believe that there are parts where there would be uniform erosion, or periods of time when erosion would be less of a problem. But there's too much regularity for me to buy that all of these layers were immune to erosion for hundreds of thousands of years.

To me, and to Del, it looks like rapid deposition placed one layer on top of the other very neatly. There's a creationist term for this which I don't recall at the moment. Basically it's a layered stratification that should be expected in cases of floods. If a widespread geographical area shows the same evidence, it's reasonable (seems to me anyway) that we should expect the whole region to have been subject to flood. Some of these geographic areas are not where we'd expect widespread flooding.

I'm sure this thread will head off on tangents, and I think that will be a good thing. We'll talk, at some point, for instance, about how there are fossils of sea creatures on top of most major mountain ranges. There are obvious "explanations/excuses" for that, but again they're not compelling to me. There's more which I intend to bring up as branches of this train of thought.

Let's go!

Hamilton

Limiting Family Size

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:28:03 GMT

Do you feel any pressure to limit your family size because you plan to subsidize (fully or partially) your children’s college education? After a LONG process of thought and discernment I feel called to switch to Natural Family Planning. However, my husband completely objects, primarily because he thinks we can’t afford to put more than 2 kids through college (he’s also worried about saving for retirement; see below!)…We are trying to get pregnant with our first now, so it’s not a huge issue yet, but may be some day. I have no issues driving a clunker, dressing in clothes from the Salvation Armey, and eating lots of Hamburger Helper...but what about college?

Are you worried about saving for retirement with having a large family? Would you choose to have a smaller family so you can save more for retirement?

I would LOVE some insight about how NORMAL PEOPLE are dealing with these questions--there's tons of material written in the abstract, but I want to know how other regular married folks are making these decisions. Anyway, whatever you write about, I will read!

Also--I know a few of you bloggers have chosen to have large families....4 kids or more...how would you answer these questions?

Could your fear of embarrassment keep your husband in bondage to his secret sin?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 10:25:04 GMT

Father God,

Thank you for giving me a tender conscience and the willingness to examine my own faults. My marriage was near an end and now we are on the path of restoration!

Thank you or forgiving me so that I am in right standing with you so you can begin a good work in/through me.

My stubbornness in accepting that I played any part in my husbands struggles was how Satan was able to continue to plague our marriage. My fear of embarrassment kept us/me from seeking help.

Thank you for giving me peace and taking away my feelings of shame.

Use me to reach other wives by allowing me to tell my story - My shame kept my husband in bondage and if you want to help free him of his addiction you need to step out of your comfort zone (your box) and tell your secret to your Pastor. You need to get into a support group. If you really want your marriage to be all that God intended it to be you need to break the bondage of your shame.

Psalms 141:2: Accept my prayer as incense offered to You, and my upraised hands as an evening offering.

Amen

Confused and unhappy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:35:03 GMT

Hi, I am new here, and looking for some honest feedbacks.

At the end of the month, my husband and I will make 1 year. It has been very emotional and stressful moments in our lives since we got back from our honeymoon. He would continuously drink on the weekends, I would plead and ask him to stop, and all will be fine during the weekday, but as soon as the weekend came, it would happen again. He continue to hang out with my friends and drink, it came to the point where he would say disrespectful things about me to my friends.

I have and had been pleading with him to stop because he will loose my love. He has gotten so far as getting a DWI and wasting half of our wedding money on these dumb classes and programs for something that is not helping. He had to wear that Scam bracelet for 6 months, as soon as it was off, he went back to drinking.. and that is where the problems started again. He continues to drink and it is so sad to see him look this way. He is not abusive - I just I hate to see the person I love be in this state. He is a caring and kind hearted person, but after all this emotion of us fighting, I honestly do not have the urge to fight for this anymore. There is no mental or physically fire between us, we literally live like Roommates - sad, I know. I did tell him that I am unhappy and I am not ready to bring a child in, if two adults cant be strong, no sense in bringing a child into this world. I dont want to cheat, or have wondering eyes, for I know that is not the way to make things better.

Basically, I am unhappy, and I don’t want to fight for this marriage anymore, I feel he will not change, and it will reoccur again for that is in the back of my mind. . I have given him numerous chances; to the point my friends don’t want him around as much. We are both 30 with no kids. What I am afraid of, is facing something that I might regret. His parents will be hurt, and it hurts me to have to put them in this. My mother knows what goes on, and she did ask me to give him a chance, in which I did- but obviously it happened again with his drinking.
But right now at this moment, I just want to be by myself and enjoy myself with no stress and focus on me.I did speak to him yesterday and told him that I am unhappy and it been almost 7 months since the problems started that I felt this way.

So, last night that I told him that I am unhappy with this marriage and all and it has been for the past 10 months.

First he was like no one can make me happy but myself, and if that is the case, I should pack my bags and leave.

So he was like go find a place and see for a few months are go live with my mom (which that is a no no).. and see, but it wont be a guarantee that he will be here.

Than he was like he doesnt want me to leave, but he cant force me to stay.. but he doesnt want to leave me or have me leave.

But I went and told him, that I have been unhappy for a long time, and I doubt this is a phase, I just hope its not something I will regret. I told him I am telling him now, if it pass it pass but at least I am being honest instead of throwing this at him suddenly .

Is this just a phase??

Thanks for reading, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

What really goes on in public schools?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 08 Aug 2005 23:16:39 GMT

I just finished writing a long post about whether or not I should homeschool. Something else that would really help me in my decision is for people to share in detail the reasons they took their children out of public school in the first place. I'm always hearing people say, "oh you wouldn't believe what kids in second grade are doing with each other these days or you wouldn't believe what that kid said to my kid on the playground, but nobody will go into detail about what happened - everything is said on the surface so I'm always left guessing what might have happened. My child has only finished 1st grade - we have a long ways to go yet in the elementary school setting. What kinds of things really do happen on the playground, in the bathroom, in the hallways, etc. What really goes on between the kids and their peers in 2nd grade, 3rd grade, 5th grade, etc? What are kids really talking about or doing with each other these days? Are they boy/girl crazy, are they cursing at each other too much, are they talking to each other about the "facts of life", are they bringing obscene pictures to school, are they exposing themselves to each other in the bathroom, are they kissing each other behind the buildings, are the teachers saying inappropriate things to the children? I can only imagine what might be going on, but don't want to wait until my child gets through 6th grade to find out what they learned during those elementary years. I believe your detailed stories would open up many parents eyes who are trying to make a decision about homeschooling. Would appreciate your replies - thank you!

Did your church honor you and your family for Clergy Appreciation Month?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:43:15 GMT

Did you and your family receive some recognition during October - Clergy Appreciation Month? We know that many of you did, while some - not so much. But, either way, we would love to hear your thoughts and discussion on the topic!

homeschooling using unit studies

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 13:50:56 GMT

I have been researching using unit studies when I start homeschooling, but am unsure how to go about it. I'm worried about missing something (a section of history or something in science) if I use only unit studies. Has anyone used text books and unit studies together? How did you combine the two? How many unit studies do you do a year? Do you have any recommendations for a unit study curriculum? I would appreciate any advice in this area.

Husband sending son to military school

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 02:20:40 GMT

I am beside myself. My son will be fourteen in a couple of weeks, and my husband is determined to ship him off to a military school that is five hours away. My son does not get into trouble, is a talented member of his swim team, and gets good grades in school. He says that he does not want to go to military school. My husband has been telling him for several years that he wants to send him anyway-—if we ever get the money—that it would be good for him. My husband also went to military school— for one year.

My husband has a christian counselor who is also his close friend. This counselor has helped our family a great deal and has also counseled us regarding issues with our children. This counselor tells us that our son has a personality that, if given the right circumstances, he could become addicted to alcohol (to anyone familiar with Myers-Briggs personality scale-his personality is called a "scapegoat."). Basically, he doesn't have self esteem. So far, our son has stayed on the straight and narrow. He has chosen friends who accel academically and do not get into trouble. We provide him with a lot of structure and little free time. The main issue with my son's behavior is that he fights with his 10 year old sister. They fight about 70 percent of the time, but do play together nicely about 30-35 percent of the time. Many times, she is the instigator of the fighting. She is a sweet child, but is a bit overbearing at times. My son really lets her get under his skin, and he will hit her. I can tell that this is part of what is driving my husband's decision.

So—I have listened to my husband talk about military school over the years, with his counselor encouraging it. I have never agreed with him on this issue. I have told him numerous times that I do not want to send our son away to school. It has not become a real issue until last week, when out of the blue, my husband asked his mother for the money to send him. He did not tell me that he was going to do this. A week earlier we had been discussing our son's future at our local high school where he had signed up for rotc and all honors courses—and now he was telling me that all that has changed. Our son would be leaving in six weeks. And how wonderful it was. I have cried constantly for a week. I told my husband that I cried myself to sleep every night, and he said "do what you have to do." We had a huge fight last night where I told him that I had never considered walking out the door until he told me he is sending our son to military school, whether I like it or not. He said "I've made my decision. I am taking him on August 22." He won't even discuss it. He claims that I should not be surprised because he's been talking about military school for nine years. I reminded him that I've never supported it. I did not argue with him at the time because I never thought it would happen. We just didn't have the money. He claims that it's God's will because it is a miracle that his mother is giving him the money (it's actually coming from my husband's inheritance). I feel like sometimes he uses "God's will" to help his own agenda. I am so sad that he has done this without my consent, and doesn't seem to care at all what I think. I've cried to him about "how could he do this," and "I'm not going to see my son grow up"." which just makes me sadder and sadder.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so sad and I cannot get myself together. My husband is actually a great man, and has sacrificed so much for our family. He just has an incredibly hard head about this issue. I have asked him if we could send our son somewhere close by, but he is bent on this military school (the one he went to, of course). He claims this school has the best swim program and could possible lead to a scholarship. I wonder if it's because he is projecting his own dreams on our son.

I think he is hiding something from me...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:01:33 GMT

My husband and I have been struggling for a long time. He seems to always pick his firends, himself or anthing else over me. He does not care if he hurts my feelings or walks all over me to get what he wants.

For the last couple of years he takes off and leaves for 4 days to a week with his friend which he says is male. My husband is 42 and this friend that he says he is with is only about 23 and is single. Most of his friends are single guys in their 20's. Anyway, they leave on road trips together and I have real idea or proof of where they go or who he is really with. I have tried confronting him but I do not thinnk that I am getting the truth. I never get to hang out with him and his friend or talk to them and I am never invited to go anywhere with them.

So in August he told me they were going to the beach for a weekend and did not return for more than a week. At that time I told him I was threw with this and did not want to stay in a marriage where this keeps happening and he has a total lack of respect for me or my feelings. He begged for me to give him another chance and I did. But here we are 4 months later and he announce to me yesterday that he is leaving this week to go with his friend again. He does not know how long he will be gone.

This is so upsetting to me since I told him that I could only give him one more chance. I asked him to make a choice between our marriage (me) and his friend> He said that he is going with his friend. So, I asked him to leave. I feel like maybe this is too harsh but if I don't do it then things are never going to change. I don't think it is right for a married man to just take off with his friends at will despite what his wife thinks.

Can anyone give me advice as to whether this was right. I really need prayer that this is the right thing and that I will stay strong with this decision.

Thanks.

Taking on "parent" role as an older sibling.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:26:37 GMT

It is a little strange to be posting on a parenting forum about a teenager when I was just a teen 4 years ago....and no where near being a parent.

My husband's younger brother is 19. Through the past several years, we've watched him go from one extreme to another. He was, in younger teen years, devoted to God. He went to a private school, wanted to remain in the church, etc. Through many issues, including his parents falling away from church and getting involved with poor friends and role models, he turned to rebellious activities. He started doing drugs and drinking alcohol. This got him into trouble several times. At this point, he has been in jail at least 2 or 3 times. He has been charged with two MIP's (Minor in Possession) and one DUI (Driving Under the Influence). And of course, you can imagine that he has actually been in possession and driven drunk on MANY more occassions than he has been caught for.

His parents didn't really know how to react. He was initially kicked out when it just became too hard to handle. After the first time of getting kicked out and coming back home, there was no reason for him to comply with the rules because the "real world" was a little more fun in his perspective. Besides, he was just running to his girlfriend's house to stay.

Over the past several years, my husband and I have witnessed numerous occassions of his leaving and returning. His mother's reaction was to buy things for him. His father's was a reaction of disownment or hands-off relationship.

Recently, he was spending more time drunk and we would see him in this state. One particular night, he showed up at his parents' house while we were there and had a conversation with us about how miserable he was and how he wanted to kill his girlfriend and himself, because that would be easier. He continued to say that he loved his family and girlfriend and would go to hell if it meant all of us would make it to heaven. We realized that a lot of his words were induced by alcohol, but the ones that were accurate were the ones that started being repeated time after time that we saw him. He kept doing reckless things and crying and talking about suicide and killing his girlfriend.

Nobody was doing anything, so we finally decided to make the move. My husband went and picked him up at his girlfriend's house and told him that he needed to shape up and stop relying on someone that was dragging him down. He broke up with his girlfriend the next day (hasn't talked to her since...that was a month ago) and started acting more respectful of us.

He has been living with us since, and has come to church with us once (fell asleep). We see progress in a lot of areas. He stopped drinking during the week, and has been spending a majority of the time with us at home. He has been more respectful and has listened to us when we have conversations about responsibility in dishes or cleaning. He hasn't driven drunk one time. He still goes to parties on the weekends, but has even toned that down a bit.

We did not prohibit him from going to parties, because we knew that he would simply leave and stay with his ex-girlfriend or friends, because he believes alcohol is his lifeline. We are hoping to help him see that it is a destructive behavior instead of just a rule of our household. We want to help him learn to make good decisions on his own instead of telling him what to do.

So, while we are seeing some changes in those areas, he still has an attitude that God is making him suffer. He doesn't want anything to do with chuch. We have tried to encourage him and compliment him on how intelligent he is on biblical matters, but he seems to brush it off.

We are seeing that his biggest hurdle is his relationship with his dad, who still views him as scum. I believe that if his father reached out and treated him like a person, there would be a huge change, but we don't know how to handle that, either.

So basically, we are at a point where we want to know what to do about these two things:

1. How do we help him see that God loves Him and that the nature of his behavior is the problem?

2. How do we help bridge the gap between him and his father?

Thank you for your time!

Jewels

my story

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:21:58 GMT

Mom of 5 soon to be a grandma married 17 years in the midst of a nightmare, my husband who was a becon in the church awana commander,judge in judgement house basically father of the year i every way had a affair with a good friend of mine within 2 weeks of this assignement he is in the military they had sex for 3 months then decided they would both work on their marriages she went back to her husband and got pregnant.

I was not aware of this affair until about 8 weeks ago so 2 years after the fact. This all came out at a 4th of july picnic and it came through my 16 year old daughter who knew about it but was waiting for her dad and my friend to tell me, they made her keep the secret for almost 3 months because they didnt want to tell me. We the worst part of the whole thing was she had actually lived in my house with her 4 kids and her pregnant belly within 3 months of their affair ending and obviously neither of them said a word so flash forward two years I was in complete shock she goes to church with me and actually worked for me daily in my home business, I was at her daughters birth and all my kids loved her it was horrible,needless to say i kicked my husband out that night.

The worse is to come I started to pull cell phone records and found that he had been texting 5 other women 24/7 and hadnt been doing work for 2 years and was being demoted luckily he has 20 years in the military or he would have lost his retirement and benefits. I was in such shock I didnt know what to do but God was telling me to be patienct and try to work it out, but he continued to lie and decieve he would not confess the whole story for 6 weeks so he stayed away from us. I moved us out of the house we were living in and to a cheaper house closer to friends he started coming to see the kids but would not even speak to me or answer his phone when I called I became so angry and threatned to file seperation which wouold have been a ton of support and alimony until his retirement kicked in.

He promised he would get counseling together and we had a date for him to move back into the house, which would have kept him out of the house for 2 months and give us time to heal a bit and get counseling. He keeps saying he will do things but doesnt he has let all the financial problems fall apart and we are in deep trouble but he wont solve the issues uggg. So he is back in the house but his behavior is childlike i can see there is a severe psychological depression problem but he keeps saying he can deal with it and to back off him etc... I am tired of this, and he keeps telling me he cant understand Gods word that two years ago something snapped and he could here God anymore his words do not change and he does say he loves me but only after I tell him, he says he is disgusting and doesnt want me to hug or kiss him which i need right now to feel better about myself. I just cant seem to pull him out of this and he wont get help I know I am enabling him but I dont want a divorce I want a good marriage back I want to rebuild and for it to glorify God

How do I get through this time? Will it get better? Is it normal for men to stay in denial so long? Thanks for reading love and prayers

Ilovemykids5

Surprised to find I don't care

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 23:08:39 GMT

Been married 15 years have 3 kids. Recently found out wife had a prolonged crush on another man in our church to the point of it being an emotional affair, even if it was just one way. (I'm not positive it was one way). It surprises me that she did. She always professed to love only me.

What surprises me is that I can find almost no emotional response in myself. I don't feel remotely angry/resentful/jealous. If I had to find one feeling word to describe what I feel it would be...relief. WHAT IN THE WORLD. I don't want another woman myself. I don't think I'm looking to escape the marriage. I realized through this (by asking myself questions) that if I did find out she had a sexual and emotional affair that I wouldn't want to leave her.

Can anyone explain me to myself? Have I just fallen out of love?

Caretaker guidence

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:45:46 GMT

Hello, I am wondering if there are anyone else is in our situation. We are a young couple with 3 young kids (pre-teen to older toddler stages) that is also in caretaker mode. Here is a little history: My mother-in-law (rip) passed away 5 yrs ago Aug. 23. We have been living and keeping an eye on my Father-in-law for last 4 yrs. I can honestly say, its not been easy. We LIVE in HIS house. He is not the easiest person to talk to. If you account a 40yr age difference & a 50 yr generation gap. I think it speaks for it self.

So...just looking to find anyone else that may be in our spot. Just to talk too if having a bad day. Thanks, so much. God Bless, MomOf3 (Amy)

I cheated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 02:20:13 GMT

I grew up in Christian family, I am not sure where/when I slipped the first time, but many times I had serious ups and downs in my spiritual life. I had many sexual partners, and now looking back all that seems like multiple loops of falling in sin, repenting, coming back, trying to change, and falling again. At some point it started to feel like a sexual addiction. Every time I did it for while to fill the emptiness, but then I couldn’t take it any more, I felt bad, got out of it, repent, didn’t want to do it again, felt fresh and clean, but in little while I did the same thing over again. I never had counseling on this, always thought I could deal with it at my own, but this time I know I am in trouble, and I probably wont able to get out of it by my self. I regularly attend church, participate in some activities, trying to be a real Christian, and the thing is that I would imagine living life for God, marrying someone who would be Christian also. I was in a relationship with a woman for about 9 months, as we both are Christians we tried to do keep it Biblical way (as best as we understood). I have to say that while we were dating we succeed to keep it pure and innocent, we never had sex. I really wanted this relationship to work, and really hoped that we could get married some day. But the problem is that at some point I did again. I cheated on her with another woman. I don’t want to explain why I did that, because it going to sound more like excuses, the point is that I am guilty. I felt it right away, I repent before God, and two weeks later I told my girlfriend about what happened. I had to be honest, I didn’t believe she would want to stay with me after this, but in my heart I really hoped that she could forgive me. I understand she has nothing practically to loose, she has probably made her final choice by now, but I don’t know that for sure. She told me not to call her or write her anymore, so we are apart now. I have feelings for her, and I know she deserve much better than what I have been to her. I feel vefy bad but I don’t want to talk about feelings. I know I could get over all this and move on, and maybe find another one, but the problem is that I don’t think any relationship would work with the package I have in my mind. I feel I am not free from sin, and I think devil uses his levers (that I allowed him to have) to always screwed up my relationships. I have this problems, and if I don’t change there is no point for me to beg her for forgiveness, or try to start another relationship, because I don’t see how its going to work. Please pray for me, I need advice, and if you can lead me to reading material that you think would be helpful, Id appreciate it.

Thanks.

Daughter thinks she's gay...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:15:02 GMT

Just the other night, my 20 year-ld daughter called me from her Christian University dorm room, and proceeded to tell me that she was gay...that she had had these "feelings" ever since she was 10 years old. I saw her grow up in a Christian home, yet in her later years in high school, her father divorced me because of infidelity. She took it very hard. He had been in the ministry before, when she was a little girl, and taught her how to read her Bible, spent time with her sharing devotionals at bedtime...but all of that took a double-back reverse when she was a junior in high school. Through a very difficult transition into college, she came to want to be in ministry herself as a musician and into worship arts, and so we decided on a Christian school that fit her style. I felt good about it, yet it was out of our state.

Anyway, she is now convinced that she doesn't have any feelings for any men, and that she never will and she is very interested in women, and apparently has had some gay relationships that I didn't know about.

At this point, I have resolved to be silent, yet praying, on this issue, yet I have the mind not to fund her college years any more, especially where she intends to go on into the ministry, in spite of her "open sin" now. I don't want to enable her behavior, nor do I want her to pursue the ministry, if she intends to stay in this mindset. I am shocked to say the least, yet at the same time, I have let go of my own prodigal husband and his behavior. God has prepared me for this kind of thing, I suppose.

My question? Is it radical parenting in choosing not to fund her college career now, especially if she intends to go into the ministry? She feels as though other people will be ministered to, if they know that she too is having "these struggles" She's just not willing to call it "sin" when she is not actively involved with someone, but she has indeed admitted to me that she is gay, and that it has made her very happy that she can now talk about it, and she knows that God loves her very much, and that she hopes that I will continue to love her as in the past. I just can't see me enabling this type of behavior, and I don't want her coming back home to influence her teeange brothers. I'm a single mom, I consider myself a fairly strong Christian and mother, but I need help and wisdom to know what to do in this kind of situation.

TEEN GIRLS

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 26 May 2009 21:33:21 GMT

HELP! How do you direct a teen girl with major PMS issue of short-temperedness, meaness, angry outbursts, rudeness, being disrespectful! Just plain ugly behavior overall! What can I say and do ?

Hannah Banana Montana

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 04:20:09 GMT

Suggestions for Christian, age-appropriate tween music (in the style of Disney personalities)?

I am tired of Hannah Montana and others!

Evidence for Design and disproving the Theory of Evolution

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:01:16 GMT

Below are the scientific and empirical reasons to why I believe Darwinian Evolution is a dying theory:

1) The Cambrian Explosion: Evidence in the geologically fossil record show an abrupt and rapid appearance of most major groups of complex animals. There is no evidence of evolution from simpler forms. Darwin himself realized the biggest stumbling-block in his theory was the absence of transitional forms observed in nature.

2) Design of Living Things: Design is apparent in the living world. The amazing jet-based defense mechanism of the Bombardier Beetle is a classic example of design in nature.

3) Molecular Motors: There is amazing structural organization within the cell with several compartments at specific locations. Many of its compartments are specialized "factories", each with its own assembly line requiring specific raw material as input and generating specific products. An army of tiny machines called molecular motors transport the cellular material consuming energy and converting it into mechanical work.

4) Formation of Life: Non-living chemicals cannot become alive on their own. Biochemists can’t just toss DNA fragments into a test tube with a mixture of chemicals and get the desired result of spontaneous generation.

5) Complex Specified Information: Information is a mental, non-material concept. It can never arise from a natural process and is always the result of intelligence. The information in DNA is highly improbable and specific, which would be impossible to come about by chance. (Time + goo + chance = DNA?!?).

6) Irreducible Complexity: All systems, features and processes that makeup life is irreducibly complex. The idea is that "nothing works until everything works."
What good is a circulatory system without a heart? An eye without a brain to interpret the signals? What good is a half-formed wing?

7) The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics: Everything in the universe leads to disorder, decay and "heat death" instead of more order and structure over time. In other words, things have the natural tendency to go downhill and break down, become less organized, less complex and more random on a universal scale. This is irreversible and every test that has ever been done has confirmed it.
Entropy can be considered a measurement of disorder and according to statistical entropy, the more random a system is the more disordered it gets. The chance of something in nature becoming orderly is a lot smaller than the chance of something becoming disorderly. There is no inherent property of matter and energy that would drive it to higher levels of complexity. No such intrinsic property of matter has ever been observed or proven, thus no law exists to describe this phenomena. Exactly the opposite tendency of matter and energy has been observed over and over again without failure. So much so that it’s embodied in the 2nd law; increasing disorder, increasing entropy, increasing loss of free available energy, in which it cannot be harnessed for useful work anymore.

8) The Anthropic Principle: The observable features of particular universal constants and consistent laws that appear to have been calibrated and fine-tuned in order to sustain life in the universe and on earth. The Universe has a created purpose. Purpose implies intent, intent implies mind, and mind implies intelligence.

9) Human Consciences: Chemicals alone cannot explain the human conscience. Darwinian evolution cannot explain self-awareness, creativity, reasoning, emotions or free will.

10) Sexual Reproduction: It's more costly and inefficient in nature to have sexual reproduction than the simpler form of asexual reproduction.

11) Whales: Whales have remarkable features that classify them as mammals. Evolutionists are unable to explain how they went back into the sea without leaving any fossil evidence of intermediate forms. Their fluke design features have also influenced the development of a new and improved wind turbine design.

12) The Uncertainty Principle: In Quantum theory explains that both the position and momentum of a particle cannot be determined precisely. This uncertainty is an intrinsic property of the universe where not all phenomena is the result of pure materialism in nature.

13) The Universal Laws of Logic: All conceptual laws reflect the mind of a law giver. The laws of logic govern thought processes and rationality, and for this reason, they require the existence of a mind. Therefore, they cannot be accounted for in a natural, materialistic, random-chance universe.

All the above factors combined are compelling evidence that Darwinian evolution is merely a widely held myth of popular culture. People believe in this theory in spite of the evidence. That is why many scientists keep referring to evolution as a philosophy of science or even a religion. This belief is so strong in academic circles that scientists are being ridiculed if they even question evolution publicly. Why are they ridiculed? They are ridiculed because the only strong alternative to evolution is Intelligent Design.

How to deal with anger with teenagers???

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 16:22:41 GMT

Hi, I have two teenage stepchildren and we have a son who is 10. I have been with in the family for 11 years. The kids have always lived with us. I have been concerened about my step son since I met him. He was 7. He is 18 now. He has anger issues. The step daughter hasn't had any anger problems until the other day and now she is acting out just like he does. My concern is also for my 10 year old picking up on the anger also.

My stepson gets so angry that he screams and throws things, usually breaking something. The other day he tore his metal door off the hindges. Each time he gets mad I see it getting worse. We took him to counseling and the person we took him to said that he didn't see that he had any "abnormal" anger problems, so my husband doesn't see a need to take him back or take him anywhere.

I feel like this is a major disruption to our family. I know that if the problem doesn't get fixed it will start flowing over into his adulthood and things could get very bad.

My husband does talk to them when they act that way, but the behavior doesn't stop.

Any positive feedback would be great!

Husbands infidelity and the Tiger Woods affairs

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:08:09 GMT

I am sick physically and emotionally. I've gained weight, can't sleep, and my husband cheated on me several times and refuses to get counseling. I have physically seperated from this man now for three years. I told him the only way for any hope of reconciliation is for us to go to marriage counseling. Of course he makes excuses and two months ago...he did it again.

I have a teenage son who desperately needs the attention of his father, but this man spends no time with his son. My child is the only reason I even stayed this long.

I've tried to forgive this man, but honestly I really think deep down inside he feels cheating is ok as long as you don't get caught. The recent set of scandals don't make it any easier. He hasn't asked for forgiveness...and lately prayer isn't helping.

I need to move on because this relationship is truely killing me.

14 mo doesn't want to sleep in own bed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 22 Mar 2005 09:54:51 GMT

I am having trouble getting my 14 mo to sleep through the night by herself. It is my fault for not doing it sooner, but I started nursing school when she was 6 mo and felt guilty about leaving her all day. I didn't want to fight her at night, plus I was tired and had to get up early. Now, she wakes up and stands in her crib and cries until I get her. She goes right back to sleep when I put her in bed with me. Any advice would be appreciated. I would prefer to do it in a gradual way that would be less painful for all of us- if that's possible.

Looking for potty training advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 19:42:00 GMT

I'll start potty training our 26 month old son Friday, as he seems to be ready and interested (per the articles I've read on Focus' Web site). We'll be using the methods described in Potty Training in Less Than a Day, which I've read over and over since last summer. But I also want to have an arsenal of ideas and advice from others who have been there, especially parents of boys. What was your experience like? Any words of advice before we head into this at the end of the week?

Children's Email

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 07:52:00 GMT

Hi, I was looking for information about good websites to get free email for my child. I was looking for one that has email controls. Any help would be appreciated.

Death of a Marriage, Promise of a Resurrection, and the Miracle of a Restoration - Testimony of My Comforter..My Redeemer..My Avenger

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:35:23 GMT

Hello Everyone. This is not my first posting. However, I have been wanting to share my story. I have read alot of the postings and it breaks my heart to hear such tragedy in a covenant. Yet encouraging to hear what God does in His people. The strength that comes from the hurt. At this time, I am ok. Just struggling with forgiveness.

That is why I am writing...Well here it is......maybe long and I apologize. I just had to pray about this and I believe it is time to write. I am asking for guidance but you need to know where I am at .....

Now married for 15 years...barely by the Grace of God. I did everything right! Honored my parents. Didnt do drugs, smoke, drink and I wasnt promiscuous. Good catholic girl, wanted to know Jesus got saved during High School. Cooked, clean and worked since birth ( my parents wanted to make sure I was domesticated for my husband and was able to be independent just in case I became to feminist). College and engaged for a few years, graduated, married, jobs, house, baby, and new cars....All was good ...right???? you would think. I did it right. Somehow though, I knew something was missing. My husband was an unbeliever and I was just trying to walk in faith. Didnt know much about being unevenly yoked. It is a huge toll.

My husband was my first and my only. So to go through this was incredible to me. Many years ago, I knew he was into pornography but didnt know he was writing to these women. Didnt know how to handle it but got rid of computer. Needless to say, I blocked that out to save my marriage. Fine. Worked with our marriage and it was ok.

Last year is when it happened. Mid March our anniversary month he was distant. He planned to go to Vegas one day while making a trip to take me and my daughter to Florida in the Summer.....I knew something was up and quesitoned it but stated that money was an issue. Fine.

Mind you, through out this time. I have been praying for revelation, a better marriage, salvation of my husband, wisdom from God and to lose weight.

I found different numbers in cell ..I would ask..he would deny. Fine

I found the receipt for Vegas with 2 in room ..he said that is what the website defaults too.

I found a prepaid card...he said belong to a friend.

Came home late..had overtime.....had an answer for everything ....but I tell you God was preparing me for something..Came back from the trip and found a romantice CD...said a friend gave him...called that friend and he denied..FINALLY, husband had to own up to it...he said that an ex-girlfriend mailed to him..that is another story. Fine. He needs to stop this and it was not right association. He said Fine, but was mad. Several days later on my birthday I looked in truck and there was viagra and condoms. I comfronted him with love and asked WHY? he said a friend gave as a joke...Whatever. I was just exhausted with all the lies and continued to love this man. NEVER giving up with my prayer request.

I knew things were still not right but now my work was suffering because of all the deciet and treachery. I had to start to look elsewhere for a job just in case this doesnt work out. Months passed, it is now Dec 2007.. My family member passed and I had to go to the Mid West for the funeral and my husband said that I should. In my gut, I knew I shouldnt..but it was family..I had to go. I did. When I came back, he told me that he couldn't be married to me. He was miserable and wanted a divorce but I am a good woman and he is sorry. I asked him is there another woman. He said no. Yet, he has been texting another woman and wrote a love letter that I approached him with and he said nothing had happened. Whatever, we were divorcing and he was moving out at he end of the month. Christmas was here in a few weeks, family is staying over and many functions happening and I had to smile through all this to save them and my child from this tragedy. Still praying..BUT now SAVING of my marriage. I have NEVER been through a tougher time than this. THIS is WHERE my FAITH worked....1Peter 3:1-6 had to be in effect....Phil 4:6 had to be practiced...BUT it wasn't until I was doing a study on Moses when Ex 14:13-14 spoke to me at the moment that God knew I was going to need it most...that I held on to the Hem of his skirt and I BELEIVED the promise that was stated and took it on my own!!!!! I finally knew what I had to do....I am done, I had to humble myself to God....let my marriage go and do what needs to be done....I was scared yet I knew God will provide for me in EVERY WAY!

Bottom line....I had to behave with grace, humility, and LOVE with this man who has mistreated me, humiliated me, disrespected me, deceived me and OVERALL threw me away like trash.

A month passed and he asked for forgiveness and wants to come back. I stated not without confession and counseling. We went and he promises to be better with me and family. To try to attend services but there was no infidelity. Fine, I had to believe and go forward. FUNNY though. God granted him many opportunities to stop...then He offered many opportunities to confess...I had told him ....there will be a day when he will bow. My God is not a God to be mocked. Whatever is in the dark will be shown in the light.....you too will be humbled.....Sure enough, 2 days after our 1st counseling session...I received the phone call from his ex-girlfriend from High School..she called to apologize for the affair. Needless to say, I was not surprised and I wasnt mad. I ministered to her and I blessed her and I asked her that she best get right with God before she got left. I forgive her and have no ill will.....mind you, the phone rang 5 minutes prior to me leaving the house to my new job, dropping my baby off on a Monday....my child witness my face turn white and my composure was only of God.....my child knew though.

To quickly end this. Called my husband after dropped off my child..told him who he was...basically CUSSED him out like there was no tomorrow(feeling bad all the while..aint that a blip!) using words that I dont use. I dont speak like that. Never have. I think that is what scared him. I will spare you the details after. He knew it was over and couldnt believe it went down like that.

He was remorseful and repented. Give up everything and will attend ALL services and devotionals, conferences, emails, pictures, videos, cell, you name it he said and committed to it. I DIDNT demand anything but the truth. I told him that the God I serve dont play. It was great to see the Fear of God in his face when all the promises that I quoted came to light.... Strange...though it was the most devastating day of my life to finally know the truth...I was at peace. God granted me everything I prayed for.....I just didn't think he would have done it all at once and in this manner.....God granted me Revelation...he granted me a better marriage....granted Salvation of my husband (this summer accepted Jesus as His Lord and Savior)..he said when it all went down...what drew him back was how I was during the most painful time of my life and yet I still loved him thru it.......wisdom from God...without that I wouldn't of survived this....AND yes, I lost weight..30 pounds in 3 weeks...not healthy..and not fun...it was stress.

There is more...I think I need to stop.

Conclusion, it has been 11 months...made it to our 15th Anniversary..nice..... my husband has been faithful to all HE said he would do and then some. Loving, attentive, patient, endearing, compassionate and understanding....devoted now. I finally feel his love for me that I never felt before. He cherishes me which is what I have always wanted. Biggest compliment when he said that he finally seen the Jesus in me that is what made him want to come back.... I have no suspicions and he realizes the horror of what he did to GOD and to me and my child. It is something that he fights with all the time. Honestly, I am glad. I know that is bad....but the anniversary of this whole thing is coming up and I am fighting the FLESH that rises within me...the hurt, the pain, the hate, the resentment, the bitterness..Now, there is a new battle. Forgiveness and Healing.

I just want to say. Though I know God's hand has been with me through all this...I battle. Regardless, My God is a Wonder and Real to me like this screen I am writing on. God can resurrect a marriage that has been dead and bring it to life.....you just need to step away and let Him do it.......and God is true to His word about restoring it as well. So I believe that and I thought that maybe someone out there can find hope in this. I am not saying this is a happy ever after in the sense of Fairy Tales....but I guess it is in the truest sense of the word. If I had to endure this pain to win the salvation of my husband....then so be it...as long as God carries me through it....He will never give me more than I can bear....are there any questions of possible affairs later???....I dont care...I am tired, exhausted and I leave it to God to answer...God said "Vengeance is mine and I shall repay." My husband knows what God says about adultery and his role as a husband and father.....I trust My God to his word and His word does not come back void. I am accountable for my role and will do ........regardless...For I have been a witness of a Promised Resurrection and a Miracle of Restoration....Peace to all you and that God may grant you all rest and comfort...Love ME!

Day of Prayer

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 10:36:26 GMT

I had no idea how may Christian marriages were in trouble or individuals within a marriage. I thought I was an exception.

I am posting an invitation for everyone who posts to this message board to a have a specific time of prayer on a specific day. I know God hears all our individual prayers, but I thought if we all prayed on the same day at the same time surely there would be some power in that(kind of like a national day of prayer specifically for the family unit)! Post specific requests so that we are praying in unison(agreeing in prayer), not necessarily for your specific situation, but specific to the marriage bond (ie protection from intruders in the marriage, protection from addictions, for the bond to be strenthened and the like). Also make suggestions on the date and time. I was thinking of midnight on New Year's Eve.

I pray this gives as much hope to others as it does me.

In need of help..

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:53:43 GMT

November of 2009 I posted on focus on the family ALOT... My husband approached me and told me he had a problem with pornography ... we went to marriage counseling ..his call... and he has been accountable with no problems to my knowledge since... ( by his choosing we got rid of our computer,cable and any movies he felt had adult content) .. I cannot stress how blessed I am to have a guy willing to do this.. My husband and I are 24 and 23 years old. We have now been married for 5 years. We have a 1 year old son and 3 year old daughter and we both work. I'm writing to ask for help... I know my husband is a good man... but ontop of the above issue he has always battled depression which comes and goes and he is a perfectionist to a fault.. I am not... I am carefree and not much bothers me.. we've done so much better this past year and seem to have grown closer... or more parellel with one another... I find however he gets into swings, case in point this week... he will shut down emotionally and physically for days on end usually a whole week ... when i go to him for advice, interaction, affection ect. he is condescending and rude .. he will ignore me for days and when i finally push him for interaction he curses at me and tells me I must not be smart enough if I can't understand what "leave me alone" means. He pushes me away so much and everytime it gets worse... he isnt physically violent, but can be very verbally agressive! Im lonely and everytime we go through this (usually monthly) I just get more and more upset and want to leave.. I have children and I am settled I don't know what to do... I can't take it and no matter what I say to him, even asking him what's wrong I get horrible reactions. On top of it all when he acts like this it just makes me think he's gone back to his old ways, either looking at porn or even cheating on me .... I don't know ?? it's upsetting because I'm left out... He'll go to bed at 6-7 at night and just be done with the family ... and then it compiles the next day because I'm being "annoying" "stupid" ect... all I feel is lonely and want things to get better or for him to go away... I hate feeling like this I worked so hard to get through last year and my heart was absolutely broken when he came to me... in a sense I still haven't forgiven him but it's no longer an issue for me... I just feel like we've been through so much.... any input would be great...

The Divine Pause

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 10:13:44 GMT

This was one of the most mind-reshaping "tours" yet for me! The design evident in the social order is so overwhelming!

The point that really made me think, though, was regarding the "Divine Pause" during creation. God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." Why didn't He just make a woman for man, as He probably had made all the animals male and female? Yet here was man, alone!

Dr. Tackett relays his belief that God was making a statement that points to His nature. As we understand the Trinity, God is three persons, yet one God - an eternal relationship. It is made painfully clear to Adam that he's missing someone as all of the animals are paraded before him - two-by-two. If relationships are a part of God's own nature, why would he leave Adam alone?

On that same thought, is not the Old Testament a kind of Divine Pause? God's fellowship with man is severed at the Fall. Man is given laws how to live and worship God. God declares His love for Israel, and longs for her to return to Him, but Israel does not love God, and instead follows after false "gods," spiralling into a more-and-more depraved state. Israel needs fellowship with God, yet the relationship is seemingly irreparable. Then, at the fullness of time, God restores His fellowship with man by means of sending His Son to die and rise again!

problems with not having sex..

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 19:21:14 GMT

hi everyone.. just so you know, me and my husband have recently been having alot of problems as far as communicating. but lately things have been getting better.we are in the middle of rebuilding our relationship and i've been working on just giving this issue to the Lord everytime i think of it. cuz i know He will take care of everything. its just i'm not patient enough! anyways... so.. my husband has decided that he doesnt want to have sex for awhile until we are emotionally stable, but prior to this he has constantly rejected my pursuit of him in that way and so for me it just feels like he doesnt want me or love me. since me as a woman sex is connected to my emotions and the way i feel.. and of course my love for him. its been really painful for me and i pray for him all the time. he says that he has lost certain feelings for me so i've been really depressed for the past two months and crying alot, still praying but i'm constantly in emotional pain and thinking about the fact that he doesnt care for me like i care for him. also the pain has gotten so great that sometimes i've been sleeping in the other room by myself. any ideas or suggestions that could possibly make this easier on me? thanks

Honoring Military Families: Fostering Family Faith

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:42:25 GMT

My husband is Active Duty Air Force & he is gone for several days at a time every week. Sometimes for longer periods of time. What are some ideas for devotionals & other activities to grow in our Christian faith as a family when my husband is gone so much?

I want to know if anyone feels the same way I do at times: I can't stand my kid's & regret the day I ever had the first one. I am a single mom with 3 boys ages 18, 11, & 7. I get very little delight in my children. Nothing helps & nothing works.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:33:20 GMT

I have tried it all. They behave horribly, they are sassy & disrespectful. I get so tired of fighting them all the time that sometimes I just say "whatever" just to get some peace for myself. All I want to do is enjoy my kid's, but it is impossible. They always want more and nothing is ever good enough. The two younger ones fight all the time & curse like grown men. I don't want to hear I need a counselor...did it & it didn't work. I don't want to hear that I need to punish them...I've done that too. I have read books & watched videos. NOTHING WORKS!!!! I feel like a failure as a mother & I hate my life. Is there anyone else out there in this big world that feels this way or has ever gone through this too?

Pornography's Effect on Marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:16:36 GMT

Is your spouse addicted to pornography? How is this affecting your relationship?

Teen Behavior w/ Conditions

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 22:18:07 GMT

I have a 16 year old son who is ADD and has also been tested to have ASPBERGER'S TENDENCIES, OCD TENDENCIES and ODD TENDENCIES. I am unsure where to draw the line between normal teenage behavior and these "conditions." He has become so disrespectful over the last year and a half or so. I am very aware of his crazy hormones and that he is now working to find his identity but I sure could use some professional direction of a christian and reputable nature. I am a single mom and some days I feel so beaten and defeated where he is concerned, I just want to send him to live with his dad but that is definitely NOT THE ANSWER and I know it. His dad lives in the same town we do but is of no help. He pays child support but sends the message that he is then doing HIS part. The child psychologist that tested my son said to me a couple of years ago when I asked him about Sammy's (son) behavior, "I'm afraid this is where the apple may not fall too far from the tree." Can someone direct me to a much needed resource?

Isn't this what its all about?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:05:51 GMT

After leading the Truth Project several times I am sure that this is my favorite lesson because I am always re-affirmed that my God truly wants to have a relationship with me. I do not know why but I know that he does. Every time I lead this one God has pointed out something that has needed work in my life so that I am not standing in the way of our relationship. What is it that stands between you and that personal relationship that god wants to have with you? I encourage you to dwell on that for sometime everyday, I have been and He has lead me into areas where I have been deceived and need to be transformed.

Prayer for the healing of our marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:03:02 GMT

I am starting a new thread, as my new posts the last few days to 'He finally left' seem not to be working!

Please would you pray for the restoration and rebuilding of my marriage. After an emotional affair which began in Spring 2008, my husband (who is a Christian), left me and our four young children just before new year. There has been some progress in him spending time with us recently, but he does not want to return because of lack of 'feelings' for me. He is confused and full of guilt and self-hatred. Today he got the keys to the apartment he has bought for himself, in a town two hours from us. Please pray for transformation of my husband's heart, mind and spirit, and for the lie that marriage is based on 'feelings' to be broken in Jesus' name. Please also pray for the protection of my children's hearts from any further damage.

Thank you

stillhopeful.

breaking bad language in a 2 year old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 02:30:42 GMT

Help! My soon to be 2 year old has picked up a curse word from somewhere and has been saying it at random. I am completely mortified and even afraid to take her to church because I am afraid she will blurt it out. So far I have just been trying to ignore her when she says it and even trying to get her to use a silly word instead. What do I do to make this stop? How long does she need to go without saying it before I can be sure she has ommited it from her vocabulary?

another emotional affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:57:08 GMT

hi everyone,

just looking for someone to listen. my husband has been acting strange for the past few months. A couple of weeks ago, he called me on his way to work and told me how unhappy he was. He told me that I was mean, that I was hurtful, lack of sex is an issue. I knew he wasn't that happy, but didn't know it was that bad. Later that day, I checked the cell phone records and saw a number come up repeatedly throughout the day and night. When I asked him about it, he told me it was a girl from work who listened to him. I was devastated. The EXACT same thing happened 5 years ago. There was another girl who listened and told him everything he wanted to hear. I'm so upset and hurt.

I understand that my own actions may have led him to look elsewhere, but he never came to me first. He says he brought up issues, but he brings them up in passing and expects me to read his mind. He never sat me down and told me how bad things were. I don't know if I can go through this again. I asked him to please stop talking to her, and he says he would, but last night they talked for an hour while I was at work. He says he's trying to stop, but it's going to take time. That just makes me feel like there is something more than just a friendship although he denies it. All of the "what if's?" are making me crazy!!! Thinking about it makes me angry and not want to be around him. I have so much hate in my heart right now.

i know divorce should not be an option, but right now, i just can't picture us together anymore. Am i here just cause of pride? for the kids? i'm so lost right now

How to encourage husband who is a new chrisitian

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 08:00:34 GMT

My husband just became a christian about 3 months ago. He and I went thru a really difficult time togather--actually on the verge of divorce when he accepted Christ into his heart. That made a world of difference.

My husband was initially so transformed by his experience of salvation that he was really geniuninly yearning for a spiritual relationship with God-reading his Bible, looking forward to church services, desiring to be baptized, etc. Husband is an alcoholic and when he submitted all of himself and asked for forgiveness, his desire to drink just was taken away and he then had a desire to be a better person/spouse.

Even after this few months some of his 'fire' has kinda smoldered out. He still attends church, but he has made no attempt to commit to the Pastor about being baptized, he stated he wanted to become a church member, etc and he knows that he cannont unless he is baptized and completes a 'new member class' I have to attend also, because my membership is not with the church we are attending. Michael has gone back to listening to some secular music that probably isn't the most pleasing to God. He will listen to some of this music on our way to and from church. I don't want to appear like a fuddy duddy and comment on our way or back home and try to dictate to him.

I do honestly believe that my husband was saved, but I am concerned that his interest in growing spiritually is dwindling. I recently rededicated my life a few months before my husband's salvation. I have been a christian since I was a little girl. I know I have much more experience being in church, knowing Bible truths, praying more frequently, etc. I would love for my husband to be THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY spiritually.

How to I support him and encourage him to grow more without making him defensive or seeming like I am 'just not satisified with him"?

07/20/07 -- Talking Jesus Doll

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 13:22:13 GMT

What do you think about the inclusion of a "talking Jesus" doll in the faith-based toy line that is now available in stores?

Urgent Prayer Please: Marriage restoration

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 16:13:49 GMT

My husband and I are separated. He has said he wants a divorce. He had been having an affair for about a year. The affair has apparently ended and the OP has reconciled with her husband. My husband has continued to say that he is not open to reconciliation. Certain members of his family and a few friends have been encouraging divorce. His “best friend” and twin sister spend an extreme amount of time with him. The best friend and sister have been in an adulterous relationship together and he is now divorced. His sister has always been jealous of my relationship with him, and she has done everything she can to try to break us up since we were engaged. His Mom also has been influencing him negatively. He has also begun to hang around other people who call themselves Christians, but lack integrity in their personal lives. Please pray that my husband’s eyes are open to any deception; that any ungodly soul ties are severed; that God brings godly friends with good counsel into his life. Please pray that God softens his heart and gives him the strength to choose God’s Will, no matter what anyone else thinks. Please pray for the miracle of total and complete restoration of our marriage. Please pray that God would continue to strengthen me and give me hope and faith for a miracle. Thank you!

Need Godly counsel re marriage..not sure what to do

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:24:26 GMT

I am brand new to this community but in dire need of some counsel/prayer. I am at a loss as to what to do and I feel I have no one to go to for help. This may be very long. It is in regards to my marriage. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and we have three kids, ages 6, 5, and 3. We have had lots of struggles, and right now I am at a point where I just want to give up. I am so angry and hurt. I struggle with whether this is all in my head, which my husband has convinced me of. Yes he’ll admit he’s not perfect, but I don’t think he is taking as much responsibility as he should. It wasn’t until our honeymoon that I realized how much my husband drinks, and it wasn’t until the day I found out I was pregnant with our first baby that I found out he did pornography. It has been a huge struggle. My husband is really good a convincing me that he is a Godly man….who struggles like everyone else, but I think he is stuck in addictions and in denial. I have left twice because I feared for my life, all of which he has convinced me that I was “too emotional”….after the 2^nd time when I left because he threatened to kill me (which now he says were just words said in anger) things were better for a while. We did counseling and everything. But recently things have gotten bad again. He isn’t really working, I have 2 jobs, he stays home with the kids but our house is a disaster. I’m done. He keeps making me think that I’m overreacting or getting angry when I shouldn’t, but I just don’t understand how he could be home all day with the kids and not even do the dishes! I feel so demeaned by him, that when I’m around him I can’t do anything, I just go into severe depression and just want to lay in bed, thus I hide at work….he still drinks a lot, but says that it isn’t that much, he also takes prescription pain killers, and I believe smokes pot..at least he did before and I have a suspicion he is again. And yet all of this is somehow all in “my head” or “my fault”….it is really hard for me to even have sex, I don’t want to. Even as I write this I struggle with the thought that I’m overreacting or exaggerating things….he is very moody, gets very angry, and I think he is too harsh on our kids. I have no one to go to because I am afraid I will ruin his reputation, he does work in ministry at church. At this point I don’t even want to work out the marriage, I want to be on my own, I’m basically on my own anyway, I support our family, I do most housework…he keeps telling me he is sorry and will do more...also, we just filed bankruptcy, and before we did he went and bought all sorts of things we didn’t need. We are also about to lose our home. He spends money like crazy. I am so scared because I know he will “try” but nothing ever changes. I don’t want to live like this anymore. He has been physical with me, shoving, throwing things, etc..but again, seems like it is my fault, although if I say he blamed me, he will take “some” blame. He is very manipulative. I feel like as a good Christian woman I “should” be praying and seeking to restore the marriage, but I’m done…I don’t want this anymore. Although, I don’t know who would take care of my kids, since I do work two jobs that totals sometimes 60 hours per week. He also has never gotten help for his porn addiction, and I don’t even want to know if he still does it. I’m sure he does though. This past week I wouldn’t have sex with him and he got so angry he threatened to leave with the kids, and the next day came back and apologized…like he always does. He also has guns…and I am afraid if I tried to leave he may use them…although he would say I’m overreacting….what do I do?

Who will be saved? - Origin of Free Will

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:47:53 GMT

I have read many posts on here concerning freewill. Most agree that God gave freewill to His creation so they could either accept Him or reject Him. Henceforth those who will accept Christ will be saved and those who reject Him will not be saved. All will say that they cannot save themselves and they look to Jesus Christ to save them ......but yet they need to accept Christ .....or be lost.

Now freewill says you have the ability to make this choice of either accepting Christ or not. Since a person has this choice then, thier destiny depends on thier own choice. ..... Is there a contradiction here?.....Can a person save themselves simply by using thier own freewill by making a choice to accept Christ? It really doesn't matter what works Christ has done ,and how He suffered , or what God the Father did to save His creation.....since it all hinges on whether a person chooses to believe it or not!

Since most of mankind believe they have this freewill , they simply decide what would be best thing for themselves and by thier freewill, decide to choose thier own destiny. They then become thier own god, using thier own intelligence to decide what would be the best thing that is available for them to use.They have understood that, they could not get to heaven by thier own works but since God has provided Christ for them ,they could use Him.....but only if they decide to.....the option is still open, they are still in charge of their own destiny.

Mankind has always wondered why some are saved and others,(they think) are not, why some believe and others don't. To satisfy this desire of wanting to understand this......they have reasoned out ...(actually satan did and passed it on)... this idea of freewill. They justify this idea that it is based on love since love is never forced or coerced. Armed with this philosophy they charge forth with this knowledge to make proselyte's. Being convinced in thier minds they understand why some are saved and others are not........simply because they didn't choose to use their own freewill , make thier own choice and control thier own destiny!

Is the philosophy of freewill from God or from Satan?......lets see?

God told Adam and Eve NOT to eat of the tree........but now Satan told Eve she could if she wanted to.

Very clear to me......satan gave this philosophy of freewill and Eve believed it!

Ask Your Pastors to Show Tour 10 to Testify to the Truth This Election

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 20:39:42 GMT

I don't know if this is an acceptable use of this blog or not, and, if it is not, I understand that the moderator will discern this and not post this blog. But with the times that we are in, and coming off the heels of Glenn Beck's event on 8/28, I sense that this tour on the American Experiment is ripe for mass distribution in our churches. Glenn Beck, although politcally astute about many current events, may not be the best source of spiritual truth. I realize that "man looks at the outward appearance, and the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Sam 16:7), and I cannot judge Mr. Becks spiritual condition, but I am concerned that there is a potential threat of false teaching on a massive scale if doctrine is not OUR FOCUS, as Christians. And, although I appreciate that God is using Mr. Beck, I feel that we as Christians have just as much of an obligation to speak the truth, boldly, and with confidence in this uncertain season. With the help of many good Americans on the radio and T.V, God is preparing people for spiritual truth! I realize that the intentions of the Truth Project and Focus on the Family is to use the Truth Project in small groups / community because that is the model that Jesus gave us when He chose the 12 disciples to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I get that. But, I just have to believe that the Truth Project...specifically, Tour 10... can be used in a very unique way before the elections. Maybe it is God's divine timing for a unique role the Truth Project can play at this time in history. If somehow we could get the word out...even to Dr. Dobson or Del Tackett...that churches would use Tour 10 for a Sunday sermon...coupled with a commitment to prayer by every church that gets involved...to simply allow the Holy Spirit to move hearts concerning our heritage and our current moral obligation to uphold biblical principles when we vote...I believe it would be extrememly powerful. Talk to your pastors. Show Tour 10 in October. Be bold. Get involved. Use this tool for God's glory, and give the Holy Spirit an opportunity to work and testify to the truth (1 John 5:6).

Any thoughts? Please know I only use Glenn Beck as an example...this blog is not meant to debate the Mormon faith or to bash Mr. Beck or even to defend him...I was simply using current events to describe the season we are in and the opportunity for us as Christians in light of the current political and spiritual climate.

aNewCreationInChrist

Honoring Military Families: Recommendations?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 19:07:24 GMT

I am a mom (and Navy brat) of a USMC reservist who will be deployed next year.

Sara thank you to both you and your husband for your service.

I have actually three questions:

1) Do you recommend any reputable websites for parents of soldiers?

2) What advice do you have for starting a faith based group for parents and wives/families,

especially reservists? We have families all over New England so it is difficult to get everyone

to one location on a regular basis. Are there any free webcasts that we could possibly utilize?

3) I'm concerned that my son may loose his faith after being in a war zone. Any advice on how to help him

not lose his faith?

Thank you and God bless you and your family.

Jesus: The Poor You Have With You Always

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:56:40 GMT

As churches begin taking up a mission against poverty, and as "Change" is in the wind, what are we to do with Jesus' statement that "The poor you have with you always?" Where does the mission of the church lead?

Continue to the article

17 month old daughter getting frustrated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:36:44 GMT

Hi, my 17 month old daughter has always been somewhat strong-willed and thrown tantrums, but she just recently started to get so frustrated that it is almost impossible to calm her down. She will hit uncontrollably and even started hitting herself like slapping her own face. I was shocked the first time she did that to herself. And I am at a loss at what to do. Sometimes she will throw her tantrums and I won't pay attention and within a couple minutes she gets over it and distracts heself, but sometimes they are get so bad. I don't know how to respond when she hits me and slaps me or starts hitting herself. She is a smart girl and understand most everything I tell her, but she is only saying up to about 10 words. So I'm just not sure how to communicate and discipline her at her age.

I am desperate to get this under control before it gets to hard to turn around. Thank you!!!

Honoring Military Families: Post-deployment Support

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:18:00 GMT

Do you think our civilian friends and family, those who are praying us through deployment, realize that they need to keep praying us through when our spouse returns from deployment. Both parties (Soldier and Home Front) are changed... coming home is not the end of the story. We have to adjust to our new normal yet again.

I feel that our civilians want so much that fairytale ending... but unfortunately, in the military, many times a return from deployment is not the end. Our military lifestyle requires continued prayer...for our marriages, our families, for adjustment for our Soldiers back into a white-picket-fence society, some Soldiers, or perhaps many, who have returned with combat stress or post traumatic stress.

feeling hurt

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:38:52 GMT

hi, I am so overwhelmed there is so much going o right now in my Marriage.I would like to get people's opinion on one of the aspects for now.

I have been leaning on God for about 7 years now. I have been married for 13 years,and I have just discovered that my husband has pictures of an old girlfriend in a bathing suit stored on his cell phone with intentions of bragging about how great she looks to his friend who knew of her. She is a grandmother now at 39. My husband (41) loves to be the center of attention and was teasing her on facebook about being a grandmother and so her young daughter who had the baby decided to show off her mother. he has never met the daughter but eagerly gave his number for to send these so called old friend pics. In fact, he said if I wanted to do this as well I could no problem because it would make him feel good.

huh? This is only the beginning of my story, thanks for listening.

Please pray for us

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:37:11 GMT

I have a post under "today is day 1" if you want to read the whole story. But to let you know what is happening, My wife has filed for divorce and I have been trying since january to work on the marriage. I love my wife and kids. daughter 9, son 6, and daughter 4. I dont want to lose my wife and kids. I need prayers for GOD's wizdom, strength and help for my families restoration. My kids are already suffering, as I cant see them every day now. I saw them last night and am worried about my oldest the most. I have to get an attorney today, and wish there was some way to put this on hold and find some way to work this out. PLEASE PRAY FOR US thank you all.

Helpful Information for those struggling

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:03:54 GMT

Hi,

I am new to the forums, and a single mom of a 4 year old and 9 month old. I have a long story, and will share that another time. But, I would like to share a website with you all that has greatly helped me in my parenting styles.

I am a good mom, but struggle with guilt and worry.

The website (link below) opened my eyes to true relationship with the my kids through the Lord. It has assisted me in tearing down the images I held, and allowing the light of the Lord to permeate my relationships with my children. I hope it may help some of you single moms as well.

Please note that this site is not specifically for single moms, but the content is very much applicable when you relate it to your particular circumstances. Even the homeschooling section opened my eyes to the Lord in my and my children's eyes!! I am so thankful to God for leading me to this site. Please feel free to share it and post on here your thoughts.

http://www.revived-christian-woman.com/index.html

Need godly advice! Please help.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:37:22 GMT

I am married to an unbelieving, alcoholic husband. I stay at home with my 2 children, 4 and 16 months of age, and have a baby due november 5th. My husband is in the construction industry, and drinks every day as soon as he gets of off work until he goes to bed at night. He drinks considerably more on the weekends, and every weekend now for the past month or so, he wakes up in a drunken stupor and will urinate on the floor somewhere, so my "job" is to follow him and try to stop him before he makes an awful mess. Thats not even the main problem. His drinking has put such a wedge between us, and all I can do is try to keep my focus on god and my children, because when I let myself get angry, I am very irritable with the children. I feel like I need to pray, and fight the good fight, so to speak, and that god will ultimatley take care of this. Will he? I wish I knew what god would have me do in this situation. Do I stay and keep the faith? Or go in hopes that he will wake up and smell the coffee? This is all a very vague description, I know, but it would take pages to hash over all the issues.

Is Final Fantasy invilvement Mountain or Mole hill with 17 year old daughter.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 21:56:59 GMT

I do not like this stuff It appears occultic in nature, but though my daughter is not consumed with it, she draws pictures of this, wants to watch videos of it, has posters, plays games with her friend at their house. It disturbs me. Her best friend is the one that got her into it and they are really close friends. She also reads alot of od fantasy type fiction. where do I draw the line? I really need guidance in these matters. When kids a little you can just toss stuff and say no, but when they are practically an adult?

My 13 yr old daughter wants dreadlocks?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 15:48:23 GMT

My daughter has beautiful long blonde hair, she will be entering high school in the fall and for some reason she wants dreadlocks. She has googled and looked up dreadlocks and how to get them and is very interested. I believe she thinks this is going to give her some identity. She is some what shy and is more of a follower around her friends. I am against it and have voiced my concerns. I need advice please.

Dungeons and Dragons Online??

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 03:50:40 GMT

My son has been playing Dungeons and Dragons ONLINE. I have looked for some reviews of the game and found some real negative ones. He claims that there is a difference between the card/board game and the online game and that the online game is harmless. Can someone help with this? As of now I have taken his laptop until I find out the truth??

thanks,

Bob

My wife and I are seperated because of her adult son why me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 02:03:58 GMT

On April 29 I left our home and a marraige of 11 years. We were not perfect in our mariage but it was not a bad marage. 7 months earlier my wife and I agreede that we would bring our Grandaughter 14 into our home because she claimed that she was being abuse by her step dad and mother. My wife persuaded me that this was the right thing to do. We decided that we would go for custody of her. In the mean time she had discussions with her son who piped up and said the he would go for custody of his daughter. I was against this because he had never payed support for her and he could not even support himself because he will not get a job.. (He has been diagnosed with a personallity disorder). New one on me. We decided to seek leagal couselling in which the lawyer said " the best way to get the child would be to have the fahter move in with us. My heart heart dropped because I new I had been beat. I agreed to 6 months which would allow him to save some money and get an appartment for him and his daughter. during this time my wife and her son and granddaughter developed this family and I was pushed aside. even to the point where my wife chose to not sleep with me. As the six month was approaching I indicated to my wife that it was arriving and I was wexpecting them to leave. However accusations were dirrected at me indicating that I was an abusive mean person. I told my wife that we needed help and I would like to go to counselling with her. She said that it was i that needed help and was not willing to go to counselling with me. I sought help from our church and it was suggested that we go to counselling with the idea of separation and counselling but we were to go with the idea we would come back together. Since then we seemed to have grown further appart. and the intention of coming back together on her part seems out of reach.

Her son of 37 years is quite content on living in the home which I poured so much into to build and she is quite content to have him and his daughter with out me. What did I do to deserve such a fait. I feel that I am about to loose everything and there seems like nothing I can do. I have to admit that I was not happy about the arrangements and I made it clear although I was not saying anything not to cause a fight. But I could see the manipulation and the skeming happening. Even with the granddaughter. We finally say down and began to make and agreement of separation which we both thought was fare. then she decided to go to a lawyer and came back telling me she was going for it all. My heart sunk and I did blow but I did not syay in the situation long when I saw nothing was going to be resolved.

I am sitting in an appartment now stressed out hoping and praying that God will do something fantastic, but more and more I feel I am going to get beat down by all of this. All my dreams are shaddered, hopes, and desires are fading quickly. I have three children of my own and thier inheritance looks to be swiped up by a so called woman of God. I feel like such a failure.

I have been strong in my faith but somehow I am praying to no avail. I ask for input direction and wisdom and help.

Home school curriculum?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 10:29:26 GMT

I have a 5 year old boy who has some problems with his speech. I really want to home school him, he loves learning at home. I've already reschooled him this past fall and he did really well, and enjoyed it. He now attends an early intervention preschool for his speech. I know they would like to have me send him to the public school next year but I really feel like the Lord wants me to teach him at home. He will be able to go to a speech therapy class at the public school once a week.
I am looking for a christian based home school curriculum that works one on one with your child and not just out of a book. My son is a visual learner also.

Parenting the Firstborn

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:12:54 GMT

How has parenting your firstborn child differed from parenting your other children?

What experience do you have with Montessori Education?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 00:49:12 GMT

I'm a public school teacher and am getting ready to send my six-year-old twin sons to kindergarten at our local public school this fall. Last fall my husband and I were in an Adult Bible Fellowship class at our church that used Dr. Dobson's book & video series Bringing up Boys. Over the last month, I've been involved in some research about the Montessori philosphy of education. I have found the information both enlightening and intriguing.

As a public school teacher, I feel very dedicated to our local public school. However, I'm wondering if a Montessori education would be better for my sons. (I'm basing this on something Dr. Dobson said in his book and what I've been reading.)

Does anyone have any experience as a teacher or parent with Montessori education? If so, I'd appreciate any information or experience you could provide.

--SOS

Am I too strict if I confiscate and shred or burn fashion magazines from my students that I teach

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:19:55 GMT

Hello I am high school teacher and I have a couple of girls in my class that will bring and read fashion magazines(Latina, Glamour, Cosmo, Seventeen, and various other trash) while I am teaching my class. I immediately take up this trash and either shred or Burn them and call their mother and in the begining of the school year I add in my class rules that I will take fashion magazines and destroy them if seen during my class, just so they can't say " Well I didn't know" and I have the rules signed by the parent.

As a matter of fact I had to take away a Latina,Glamour and Cosmo today and the magazines are now in my fireplace keep ing me warm while I grade papers, I have to say fashion magazines make GREAT kindling.

The reason why I am so against this trash is because it brings about more complications in young ladies' lifes that they do not need(I don't need to go into detail because most everyone on this site probably agrees) These magazines are vulgar as a matter of fact the Cosmo has a heading on the cover, something along the lines of Nasty Girls Only, Sexy(word rhymes with itch) and the other two are no better and these are magazines that even some middle schoolers like to read. If there are any teachers on this board, do You have the same problem and if so How do You deal with it and for those that don't any suggestions.

Please feel free to comment, Sincerely

Leticia

With Jesus everything is possible

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Barna Statistics

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:23:04 GMT

One of the slides in Tour Two suggests that 4% of the general population believe in a Biblical worldview. It also suggest that 9% of the born-again population believe in a Biblical worldview. The most recent data and history data would suggest a different story. Around 20% of born-again Christians have a Biblical worldview. This most recent data would suggest 19% of born-again Christians have a Biblical worldview. Will others in the forum check this out www.barna.org. I just want things to be as accurate as possible. Thanks and God bless.

Donny

11/17/06 -- Popular Culture

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 11:07:30 GMT

How informed are you about popular culture? Do you believe that you are able to significantly impact your congregation without some degree of knowledge concerning popular culture?

Ellison Research has just released results of studies that show Protestant ministers are less informed about popular culture than are the people to whom they are ministering.

Wife lost interest in sex - SOLVED!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:11:48 GMT

My wife has had little interest in sex for the past 15 years. No amount of prayer, cajoling, arguing, begging, housework done by me, "communication" or other psycho-babble had any effect. Doctor friend said his wife had this problem also and it was low level of free testosterone. Yes, that's right...low free testosterone in women reduces their interest in sex. A reading between 0 and 2.2 is considered normal. My wife had hers checked and the level was .3. Her OB/GYN prescibed a cream used once a day and in about 10 days it kicked in. Not only is she much more interested in sex but has higher energy level and overall better outlook on life. This is an easy source of the problem to rule out with a simple blood test and an easy fix also.

Make sure the OB/GYN checks free testosterone, not just testosterone level in general. We did that a couple of years ago and it didn't show any results. This test must be done on the 3rd day of her period. Also, there is an injectible time-release that only has to be done every 3 months in place of the cream but it is more expensive.

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Answering Questions About Your Marriage Webcast: Communication Gone Cold

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 18:29:50 GMT

We've been married for 20 yrs. My husband and I have going through very tough times the last two years not talking to each other for months. I am the one who always stop talking because I feel very hurt from him. I have this ideal marriage picture in my mind and would love to live it but he doesn't get what I really need. He stopped being romantic or even enjoy each other. We can go for weeks and may be months without any intimate relationship. I really want to see him caring about our marriage the same way I do. He is a very good person though, but he works very hard, comes home exhausted. How can I get him to see that our marriage is sinking? I feel that staying not talking will push him to realize that. I also feel guilty doing that but can't help it.

Is biblical submission supposed to hurt every day like this?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:12:34 GMT

My marriage is in crisis; my husband refuses counseling on a private level...and we have exhausting power, money and children issues. However, many days, he wants to have sex first thing in the am and often wakes me up by saying, "Can we make love?" Repeatedly, I ask my husband to "date" me, help to meet my emotional/companionship needs, etc., before having sex in the am or evening, but like other posters, he is pretty absent and still wants a vibrant sex life. I ache inside for biblical love. I feel so stuck and I am frustrated and disappointed. My faith is affected.

This am, he asked for sex 1st thing, I had to get kids to school, he slept in until I returned, he wanted sex; I asked him since he had extra time today, could we spend time together first...cross country skiing, talking, etc. He was upset, told me in so many words I had to make a choice and that if I gave him more sex, he might give me more attention and when I refsued and tried to have a conversation, he left for work and used my words, saying "I had to romance him". He is acting selfish and spoiled and I am TIRED. This isn't what God wants, right? Mutual submission, a partnertship, is right in God's eyes, right? I've spoken to a wonderful Focus counselor twice in the last few weeks becasue my husband demands another child. The counselor says she doesn't think my husband resepects me. I am ready to address this; the denial is over. I am seeking a Focus listed counselor in my area, but in the meantime, I would appreciate feedback. I don't want to live like this anymore. Our paster and wife are coming this Friday to discuss my husband's demand for a child using donor eggs, possible surrogate, but my husband is one DETERMINED boy. Please help.

This is a "sacred space"

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 10:27:48 GMT

We all need a "sacred space" to share our burdens, praises, etc. and that's what this area of the community is meant for. With that in mind I'd like to ask that no advice be given in this area of the forum. We have the rest of the board for that.

Thanks Everybody!

PRAYER PARTNERS

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 May 2006 20:40:51 GMT

Just wandered, if anyone had a prayer partner they could call or meet with that you can pray with. (other than your husband...though that should be the first person to pray with; if you can.)
Is that person local or long distance?
Mine is long distance...but God is placing a burden on my heart for someone to partner with me. I do pray with my soul-mate...but I would love to have a friend...a 'Jonathon-David' soul-prayer partner. My long distant prayer partner was my local one until we moved.
Just wandered.

Adult son grieves us

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 01:51:23 GMT

Hello everyone. It's so nice to be here. The support is just wonderful, thank you.

My question has to do with my adult son, who is 20 years old. The problem is that that's just his biological age. His mental age seems to hover around 16-18. Before I go any further let me just say that he's at home still with us because he's still in university and because in our family kids generally don't move out till they're well settled in jobs and able to provide for themselves. We generally don't ask him for any monetary contribution apart from the odd loaf of bread or bottle of milk, but his dad insists that he gives me a certain percentage of his paycheck (he has had a job for three years and is now a supervisor there) as a token of appreciation. However, other than some necessities, he is responsible for all his own expenses. His dad and I continue to pay for car insurance. We've hoped that as he earned more, he would himself offer to contribute more, but that hasn't happened. He has never, however, asked for money back when he's bought something for the house.

That on its own is not so bad. What really irks his dad and me is that he is inordinately generous with his friends and always seems to put them first, preferring to spend time with them instead of his family. Of course we understand that all young people want to be with their friends, but he's with them every night. Sometimes he'll go and see them even if it's just for half-an-hour. Even that is satisfying. It's as though he just has to be out every night otherwise the night is a bust. Yes, he's the party animal too and sometimes misses church because he's been out too late the night before. I don't come down on that because his dad and I went through that phases as well, but taken all together, his character as a whole is not anchored where it should be. He'll buy girlfriends $300 hair straighteners and presents and stuff. He has bought wine and gifts for a girlfriend's parents but never once thought of buying something for his own parents. He'll buy his girlfriends' siblings gifts as well. To be fair, he also buys stuff for his little sister too.

The problem I'm having with him is that my husband and I seem to have raised a rather self-indulgent, self-absorbed and selfish child though we've tried so hard not to. He's not a bad kid, but his values seem to be all over the place - a spell of smoking (he says he has stopped), drinking (not to excess but more than I would like), bad language, which is sometimes very lewd. For instance, there was a recent really lewd post on his facebook page that his dad asked him to take off. Our son said he wasn't the one who posted it, but still wouldn't take it off, saying "but it's funny". His dad and I really despair. Again in fairness, this is a first. There's never been a post like that before or since, so maybe he's telling the truth that it wasn't his post. But it angers us that he would think it's funny and won't take it off. Our pastor says our son is on his own journey to cement his personal faith and not his parents' faith or convictions and that this is really a time to parent from afar and endure and allow God to work in Him. I know all this is true and we have had very encouraging words from visiting pastors who know nothing about him and I trust God for the outcome; it's just the day to day parenting that we struggle with. That and his selfish attitude.

Please help. There are days when I seriously consider telling him that if he doesn't respect and honour his family and its values and in fact continues to rebel against them, he has to go. I don't see why I should pay for his upkeep and reap such dishonour and disrespect in return. But then I come to my senses and remember that neither I nor my husband were angels at that age either. My own father wanted to disown me because he felt I was too rebellious and look at me now - all right angles at the corners! As square as square can be.

I seriously need some advice. Thank you very, very much

Guidlines for spanking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 22:06:19 GMT

(This is for those who are believers in spanking.)

My mom's primary method of discipline was spanking until my siblings and I reached 12 or 13 years of age. My father did not dicipline us. My mom always used an object to spank us, and that was usually a wooden spoon or a plastic spatula. She sometimes used a belt, but that was rare. Spankings were always painful and they always left red welts, bruises, or (more rarely) cuts. The cuts usually happened when she used a thin plastic spatula that had torn, jagged edges. I also got cuts on my shoulder when she turned the spatula sideways and spanked me with the thin edge. ouch!

Given the above description, my husband calls these "beatings," not "spankings." I never thought twice about them until my husband pointed out that some of my mom's "spankings" may have been over-the-top... abusive, maybe. DH and I are both believers in spankings as one method of discipline to choose from, but now I am REALLY confused about how to spank appropriately. To me, an effective spanking = pain. Not a LOT of pain, and of course no cuts or bruises... but there has to be a little pain. I KNOW that I do not want to spank my children the way my mom spanked me. But to me, a bare-handed swat on the clothed or diapered bottom does not seem at all effective.

What is the middle ground? I've already thought about a few ground rules:

1. Parents must not spank while angry

2. No bruises or cuts (or welts?)

3. If using an implement (not sure if I ever will), only use on top of clothing, otherwise use a barehand?

I don't know! Do any of you have some guidlines you follow?

Will you pray for our family and marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 03:06:36 GMT

My wife left with our four children and doesn't want to pray or go to church anymore. She has been gone for 2 1/2 months. I don't want to talk bad about her so I will just ask you to pray that God will draw her to Him and that He will show her what He feels about marriage. I pray that God will make me the husband and father that my wife and family needs me to be. I pray that God will soften her heart and help her to love me again, and that He will make her the wife He wants her to be.

No man knows the day or hour

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 22:22:34 GMT

I was sailing offshore from Fernandina Beach to Cape Canaveral, FL this morning. Oh I guess it was around 0530 or 0600 and I heard a show with R.C. Sproul and Sproul Jr. (I think). Anyways they brought up the subject of Messiahs return discussing the statement that "no man knows the day or hour". It went on with several ideas really well presented but mudied the waters a little more nothing solid.

We know according to scripture everthing has its season. So we can I think narrow some things that down from that. What season would Messiah most likely return? Well, based upon history during the spring season feasts Passover was when Christ was crucified the 14th day of Nisan. There were other spring feasts and just like Passover each had a reason in Gods calander each happening on a very specific date and time throughout our history. These other spring feasts are known as the feast of unleavened bread Christs body would not see the ravages of death and decay. Feast of first fruits some of you chase easter bunnys and eggs. But it's meaning is of Christs ressurection. Then we come to Shavout ot as some say Pentecost.

Now we come to the first fall season feast the Feast of Trumpets.

It may be the "Feast that no man knows the day or hour", that is, "Yom Teruah" / "Feast of Blowing (of Trumpets)/Shouting" when we may see His coming. This is the only feast day that you do not know in advance exactly the day or hour when it is going to start because it happens on the day of the new visible crescent moon of the 7th month. And it takes two priests witnessing the new moon, to declare it to the high priest, who then declares the start of the feast. Could this represent the Son and Holy Spirit going to the Father and then the Father declaring that yes, it is time. Until he declares it, no one knows if he will do it immediately, or after a short delay. There were times too when the feast would be celebrated for an additional day in case clouds covered the sky preventing the witnesses from actually observing the exact time of the new moon. If this is correct then once we see the abomination of desolation, we will know, within the 2 day window of this feast, the time of his return.

The use of the trumpet call, very possibly alludes to the feast of trumpets.

According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God , and the dead in Christ will rise first.

1 Thessalonians 4:15-16

Now, brothers, about times and dates we do not need to write to you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "Peace and safety," destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.

1 Thessalonians 5:1-6

Note: Here we are told that this day should not surprise us. How could that be, if we don't have any idea about the day and the hour?

It would seem we could very well have interpreted something about "day and the hour" wrong along the way. Certainly we have from Daniel an exact to the Day count from the abomination that causes desolation one must wait (1335 days) for some some sort of blessing. Will it fulfill on the historical Hebrew calendar for that feast, just as the first advent events matched the holidays, or is it simply what it has often been taught to be, an indication we would have no real clue about the specific timing of the event?

Peace

Why do I feel like I cannot pray anymore?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 21:36:09 GMT

First of all I want to say that there are so many wonderful men and women here supporting each other. Your words have blessed and encouraged me so many times as I have read the posts. Thank you. God is working on all of us and our spouses . I can see it by the words written here and in my own life. So why do I feel stuck in my prayer life? I feel like a broken record and I am loosing my desire to pray. For the past couple of years when this nightmare came into my life I have been so excited to spend time with God. I would look forward to spending time with Him in prayer and in The Word. . The past 6 months I feel like God is not saying much. . I long for His voice like I heard it in the beginning. Now it feels like I am crying out to Him and He is mad at me or something. Why can I not "hear" His voice like I did?. Is He wanting me to trust Him in this silence? I am so seeking direction in my life as this mess continues on and on. I feel lonely without feeling His presence. I feel like I am going around and around in the wilderness and I want to know what He wants to teach me. Will this dry season I am in ever end? I still seek Him everyday and many times a day. Am I doing something wrong? I am weary as I do not feel the refreshing that I used to get when I spend time with Him. I do not want to read the bible either. Everything seems to take such an effort. I've asked for Him to show me my sin, or what ever I am missing that is causing me to feel this way. I have prayed against the enemy in my life. My prayers seem meaningless .Has this happened to anyone else who has been believing for a miracle for a long period of time? I am struggling with doubt and unbelief now, so I know the enemy is trying to get a foot hold. I am just very weary and feel weak in my walk with Him. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or prayers . Blessings ~~Chipfishing

Is mine a hopeless case?please help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:16:58 GMT

I feel so despondent,my husband walked out on me and family this week.He's gone on to stay with another woman.He says he lost all feelings for me, blames me for causing all these and that it is all over.He seems totally firm,even after I told him I was willing to forgive and work things if he will try.

He will see none of this,He is also hard on himself,saying he has done the biggest wrong when he had an affair and because of that things can never be the same.He felt trapped in the marriage and now only wants out ,to start a new life ! He sees no point in turning back,and I am miserable and lost.How could he do this to me and children who are so young?

I see many people suffer the causes of affairs but at least their spouses were remorseful and agreed to try again,My heart aches and I feel so hopeless to see my husband so hard hearted,Help! Is there no hope for us anymore? What do I do now?

I cannot use dr,dobson's tough love as i think it is too late.He is not going to be affected isn't it as he has already left !Now he says he justs wants to work on divorce and it's details.I do not wish for this at all,please advice how i should do this.Thanks

What should I do at this point in time?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 16:58:49 GMT

I am a mother of a 45 year old son who began to use drugs / alcohol young in life. He has served 7 years in prison, and been in jail for the past 6 months. He is being released Aug 4th of this year. During his years while he was incarcerated, he developed a severe breathing problem, was treated for Hep C, and has significant physical difficulties coping with all of this. His letters to me have been extremely heart rendering. When he was released from his 7 year stint I supported him and helped him financially, while he went to various doctors and hospitals for a diagnosis for his health related difficulties. I even brought him home in order to assist him. At that time he was on multiple prescription drugs prescribed from the doctors.No diagnosis has been determined as to his physical ailments. He wasn't with me for long before his chemically abused mind chose to do something stupid and back to jail he went. My brain tells me to let him suffer, but my heart wants to help him. What should I do at this point?

Respectfully,

A very sad mother.

Do not kill----Didn't God?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:37:56 GMT

A question came up after the showing of tour 2. In the lesson, Del states how God's laws are a reflection of His character. We shouldn't lie because God cannot lie. However, someone asked the question about how this applies to "thou shalt not kill" given that we have stories in scripture in which God did just that. How can this be answered?

How do you rekindle a love that was never there?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:15:55 GMT

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, prayer, or just to vent (or all three), but here is my story. My wife, after 8 years of marriage, is ready to call it quits. She told me the other day, "As far as I'm concerned, we are not married anymore." (We also have a 3 y/o son).

Here's what lead to this. When we met, I was a major flirt and had many girlfriends before her. I felt the need to brag about having so many girlfriends out of my own insecurity. I felt that I needed to prove that I was worth liking by showing the other girls liked me. Needless, to say...I was an idiot back then. Once during our engagement relationship, she caught me looking at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazine. This didn't go over too well either. At the time, we lived very close to the beach, and on many occasions we would go to the beach at night. (Keep in mind that we are both Christians, and we were both in school for ministry. Each time we went to the beach, we would get very hot and heavy. A few times we were almost too hot. Also, after each visit to the beach, I would feel very guilty for allowing us to get that heated. In e moments, I would plead with her asking to refrain from all physical affection until we got married, especially kissing. She would agree, but not 12 hours would go by before she would try to kiss me. When I would resist because of our agreement, she would say that I must not love her if I don't kiss her. (This is interesting, because she hasn't initiated a real kiss since the day we got married). So, I would kiss her, and we would end up at the beach again getting hot and heavy. Well, one of those night, I came home and go on the computer. My hormones were going crazy, and I fell to the temptation to look at porn. This is something that I had struggled with in the past.

Well, we finally got married. Two months into the marriage, we were having a sexual discussion. She was confessing some things she had done in the past. (Neither of us were virgins when we met). In that moment, I felt safe to tell her that I use to have an addiction to pornography. I had no idea she would ask the question, "When was the last time you looked at it." Like the naive newlywed I was, I decided to be honest with her. I told her about the time after the beach, and she flipped out. She literally became suicidal for weeks. I've been trying to recover from that moment for 8 years. We never got help, and she would not talk to anyone. She had a perfect image to uphold to her family, because her mom put a ton of pressure on her to "be perfect." We went straight into ministry dealing with this. I've done everything in my power to change, and she will admit that I'm a completely different person now.

However, she lost respect for me that day, and I lost respect for myself. Since then, she has consistently spoken to me like I'm a child, and I've sat and taken it thinking I deserved it. Every time we get into an argument, she will bring up all of my mistakes from the beginning of our relationship. She does this even now. It's as if we continue to live in those first 2 years of our relationship. We have moved all over the country for ministry, but we've been miserable in our marriage. She constantly bits my head off for very small things, and I shut down and distance myself from her. When I try to complain about something she does, she will minimize her behavior and/or blame me for it.

Now she wants to leave, because she says I have never met her needs. She uses examples such as a time recently when I walked up to a cafe counter before she was ready. In her mind, this meant I wasn't making her a priority. This is her major complaint...that I don't make her a priority. Two years ago, I quit the ministry to save our marriage, but she doesn't notice that.

She also thinks that our marriage can't be saved, because she says that she has never loved me. She says that she can't rekindle a love that was never there. She blames me for that too. I get blamed for...EVERYTHING! I've worked hard for eight years to change for her, why doesn't that communicate priority. She says that she notices that change, but I'm still not meeting her needs. She feels that I am incapable of meeting her needs, because of my personality. I'm a passive, laid back person and she hates that. We are finally going to counseling tomorrow, and I pray that helps. Anyway, there is so much more, but that's enough for now. I want to know if anyone else has gone through this.

Healing my husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 10:47:08 GMT

I need help healing my husband. We'd had a few rocky years in our 18-year marriage; me being uncommunicative, he being a dictator, etc. Two years ago, while he was deployed, I fell prey to another man's desires. I ended the affair after just two months. But when my husband came home, I felt I had to let him know what had happened. I needed him to know that he should possibly make future plans without me. But I was too scared to let him know everything, and only recently have I let the entire story come out. He has forgiven me and has chosen to stay with our family.

In the meantime, our marriage and our communication has become better than ever. However, he is still very, very hurt because I lied to him for so long, saying things did not happen when I recently admitted that they did. He always felt there was more to the story and constantly asked me what I wasn't telling him, so I would tell him more, little by little. It was the worst thing I could do, actually, because as the wound would start to heal, it would be torn open again with new information. But I was trying to protect him from every detail of the truth - he knew the basics of what happened, where I was coming from, and how his behavior fit in; why did he have to know every little detail? So he feels I did not trust him enough to come to him with the truth.

He is rightfully angered that I have not been totally forthcoming with the information. So he says he will not begin healing until I come to him with the entire story, even though now he has the entire story. Will he ever be satisfied that I am telling the truth? Will he ever trust me again? He sees that I am trying so hard to comfort and assure him, and to be the wife he has always wanted. But he still doesn't sleep well, has fits of anger, and actually has every sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, especially the hyper-aroused part. Here is the part I hate the most: He wants to exact revenge on the man, and feels that if I don't help track him down, then I am protecting this person. He will not seek counseling because 1) we now live in another country, and 2) he can't have any sort of counseling in his medical records. He wants me to be his healer.

We have read "Love and Respect" together, have seen a pastor, and it has helped. Where do I go now?

How to talk to daughter about being overweight without hurting her spirit?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:06:20 GMT

I am a parent of a recently 13 year old daughter, youngest of five kids, she is a great child with all these gifts and talents but I noticed a few years back she started to gain weight. I have talked to all of my children about being healthy food choices and exercise and the importance of them. I am myself a vegetarian but don't impose my eating habits on them just healthy ones. I am afraid that she will have a weight problem all her life and want to save her from going down that road. She is involved in soccer and does well. When we do have great talks together she hears me but not on this subject of making better food choices. She lets me know that she trys but doesn't want me to make her. I try to encourage her in different ways and make it fun. She cooks with me and we shop for healthy food together. She has all the right information on changing her eating habits but wants me to stop talking about it. She has gained more weight during the summer and I want to step in a loving and caring way but don't know how to approach her. She has came to me one time and expressed that she thinks something was wrong with her and wanted to go on a diet. I reassured her that she just needed to make healthier choices and her body was going through changes hormonally, and there was nothing wrong with her. I am at a loss, although I do make the decisions on what she eats I feel as though she does rebel when not around me. I don't want her to have a eating disorder of any kind.I would appreciate any help or advise on this matter.

How can I help my husband in his new step father role?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 17:25:31 GMT

I recently married a wonderful man who I respect greatly. He accepted me and my 2 year old daughter. She has been calling him daddy and does not have any contact with her real dad so he is the only daddy she knows. He has been struggling a bit with getting used to everything and trying to know what to do. I tell him he is doing a wonderful job because he REALLY is. If we have a disagreement about discipline or something along those lines he starts to feel like he is not doing a good enough job. I try to encourage him every chance I get. It has gotten to the pint where I am afraid to tell him I don't agree with the way he handled something because I don't want him to feel like he is just not getting it. How do I approach him with something I don't agree with while still encouraging him? Anyone know of any good books I can get to help him feel a little more knowledgeable in his new role?

This woman i married....

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 17:13:09 GMT

Makes me miserable! i am a decent guy, i work hard i provide for the family and so on. but she acts as if im the biggest idiot on earth...nothing i say is right, nothing i do is good enough. i really wonder if she even likes me, let alone loves me. i am a woodworker and i make some nice things. the other day i showed a lady friend one of my projects and she responded with such warmth and sincerity that my heart broke because my wife NEVER gives me that kind of response to my creativity. recieving that compliment from her was like sweet chocolate after years of bitter roots. i want to leave but i refuse to do so, i would rather live my life out like this than get divorced. we have 3 kids and they deserve better than we give them. but i am committed to the marriage and fatherhood.

she left today in a rage and my first thought was "good, finally some quiet" we have been to counseling it helped me...not her. if we go again i want to go seperately because i never said how i feel. i always take it and shut up i try not to give it back. i am done being a whipping boy! i need to break free

Am I A Failure?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 10:34:52 GMT

     I have been a wife and mother the last 27 years of my marraige. I did not finish highschool out of boredom and wanted to get married. I felt I was ready and had found the mate that the Lord wanted me to have.
     A few years ago I felt the Lord telling me to get my GED and I did it by just taking the test. I passed with no problems. I did not even have to study.

    Am I failing as a pastor's wife by not getting more education? I help my husband with a lot of his papers for seminary, but I just can not get myself motivated to try myself. I know that I would be more affective in ministry if I did.

    Both of my children are through school so I have nothing that would prevent me from doing something. I just do not know where the Lord is leading me. Please keep me in prayer and give me some good advice.

    Should we be a educated as our husbands? Let me know how much education most of you have aquired and was it worth it?

Major Decision

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:09:17 GMT

Normally I am a very rational and steady person. However, last year I got married over the holidays to a military man after dating for 8 months. He went back overseas to finish his tour. In my haste, I thought I could handle this lifestyle...I thought love would be enough. He is so wonderful and we enjoy each other's company so much. I've waited a long time for a man like him.

Now, I am thinking I've made a huge mistake. When he gets back we are supposed to have a big wedding (there was no time when he was home on leave), then I am supposed to move to his base 4 hours away from my home. He has moved around a lot growing up and I've never left my hometown. I started a new job in January that has turned out to be my dream job. I've worked in the same industry for 10 years and this is the step up I've been praying for. His particular branch of the service gets deployed a lot. I can't say as I really want to move to a totally different location, start my career over again, and be alone.

I went to the base location a couple of weeks ago and saw my worst nightmare. A couple was expecting their first child and he was being deployed for 15 months the month before the due date. He won't see his child til it is over a year old. They were moving the wife back to her family. She recommended that I stay where I was. She is a career woman as well and had lived in her hometown for 75% of their married life. Her husband had finally talked her into moving and this happened.

I'm in my 30's and want to have children in the next couple of years - right when he will probably be deployed again. I would prefer to have my family's support than stay somewhere else alone or incovenience my family to come stay down there with me.

My question is: should I stay or should I go? 4 hours is commuteable for both our parts. We could definitely see each other on the weekends. It's not what I envisioned my married life to be like but it's better than moving to be by myself more than half the time.

Thanks for any and all help. I've been racking my brain, crying and definitely praying.

Home schooling

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 May 2004 22:23:42 GMT

My 11 yr old daughter has been in a small private school since preschool. We have 3 other children 4,3 & 1 and we're not sure we'll be able to continue private schooling. I've been reading a lot about home schooling and everyone in our church home schools her children. My question is has anyone used the Abeka DVD program? My daughter has used Abeka since she started school. I received the sample DVD in the mail but wanted to hear from others who have used it.

Being patient vs being to passive

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:59:25 GMT

We have been married 27 years and a couple of years ago we separated beacuse my wife gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love woth you anymore" so she left and we were apart for six months during which time she filed for divorce.

She ended up canceling the divorce and we moved back under the same roof,mostly because of our kids and our finances.We now live like roommates instead of husband and wife.I sleep on the couch because she wants no physical contact with me.We get along fine as friends.we eat meals as a family,we go to church together,she wears he ring every day.

I have continued to show her love and treat her the way I would like to be treated and praying every day for God to heal our marriage and soften harded hearts.

My question is do I continue to sleep on the couch being humble and sacrifising while praying and waiting for the lord,or am I being to passive,do I move back into our bedroom and let her deal with it,she would most likely go sleep on the couch.

I love this lady and I miss her and know that God can heal our broken marriage,just not sure what I am supposed to do,wait or be proactive.

Muddled Thinking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:24:09 GMT

I've been married for 11 years and have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Many things have happened over the course of the last 3 years or so. My mother-in-law lost a battle with cancer, our marriage has been tested, we are facing foreclosure, my spouse continues to work less than full time, my income is minimal, and other "events" in our lives. Spiritually I am drained, my muscles are always tense. I can't seem to shake this stress of all the changes going on and losing my home. Our children are part of this journey and I struggle to know what to do for them other than encourage that my husband and I are sticking together to work things out. We went to counseling where the therapist told me my husband has a unique personality (less than 1% of the population) and could not do much more to help. I am disillusioned, and discouraged. I am trying to seek the Lord through all this, but seem to be discouraged there as well. Any feedback on how to let go of the stress and make it through these times of tribulation? I'm at a loss of where to go.

How do you decide what is ok sexually? (In marriage)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:37:39 GMT

I usually ask myself:

Is it morally wrong? (Does it involve other people BESIDES my spouse or animals?)

Is it unhealthy? (Will it cause undue physical risk?)

If either one of those gets a yes, I won't do it.

But what about things like anal sex? From what I have read, some people say it is morally wrong, (homosexual activity, even if its between a man and woman), some say its unhealthy and an undue physical risk, and some say that if your husband wants it, you should oblige.

Even oral sex can be pretty controversial, but less so than anal.

What rules do you use?

What constitutes moral rightness?

What constitutes undue physical risk?

Video Games - Whats OK and whats not?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 May 2010 15:35:14 GMT

I have quite a good idea my self (wont go into detail as its a rather long system) of working out what video games are right and what are wrong. I wanted to know what others view on games such as Crysis and Mass Effect 2(neither of which I have played). Thanks!

Bare chested male pix on cell?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:15:04 GMT

Mom gave 15 year old daughter cell phone for bd. daughter lives with dad who found half nude pix of males (no genitals) and very disrespectful text. Took phone away..she demands HER phone back. Restricted numbers but one trusted friends sent nude chest of boy's tattoo and disrespectful text again. Do we restrict friend again or take phone away for good?

Heart broken over 17yr old son's behavior and disrespect

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 15:13:53 GMT

I am not sure where to begin, I am new to all of this, but looking for some answers and comfort. I have a 17yr old son who will be 18 in two weeks, my husband (his step father) and I have kicked him out of our home and made him live with his dad, he has great disrespect for me and for my husband, he was put on probabtion for marijuana use back in November and is still on probation until he turns 18, he was on house arrest about a month ago and so he called in sick to work so we disabled his car so he couldn't be driving around while we were at work (the car is in our name), he got very angry and proceeded to punch holes in 2 doors and kicked a hole through our pantry door, that was the last straw. Up until this point he had no contact with his biological father for the past 6 months and he has never been a big part of his life, his step mom does not like him and she has made that very clear over the years. I am struggling with this terribly, he continually texts me saying he has no place to go and hasn't eaten, which I know is not true, but he refuses to lose the attitude and apologize for what he has done, he puts a huge guilt trip on me. He is my only child and I don't want anything to happen to him, I cry, I am depressed over the whole situation, and my husband who I know is right, it is driving a wedge between us. We have given him everything he needed and wanted, but he just continues to take, he feels he shouldn't have to do anything around our home or help out in anyway. What do I do let him hit rock bottom and live in his car or on the street? It tears me up to see him be like this, he had so much potential, he was an allstar baseball player who now has no interest in anything unless it is in favor of him. Any help or if anyone has been in the same shoes would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Vasectomy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:07:31 GMT

I would like some advice on a subject that is affecting my marriage. I have one daughter who is 14 -a son who is 6-and a 4 month old baby. We got pregnant very easily with my daughter and then I had fertility issues following her due to complicatins with that pregnancy. I went thru fertility tx with my son which my husband agreed on. ONce pregnant though he began to say hateful things such as I never wanted kids and on and on. This was even said in front of our daughter. He would say I love the kids I have but I never wanted kids it was all you. which is not true as he is the one who wanted the first one. Well due to having the fertilitiy issues I did not think I could get pregant on my own so we were not careful and then I became pregnant with the last one. He was not as bad during this pregnancy but as soon as I had the baby scheduled for a vasectomy and went and had it done.

Here is the arguement. I have always wanted a large family due to I am an only child that lost my mom at the age of 1. I have no family as my dad walked away also. I was not done wanting to have children as I have always wanted 4 since I was a little girl and did not feel it was his decision to have this without us agreeing. Now I also don't feel it is my right to make him have more children but neither his to take it away. The finalizaiton of this has put a huge wedge between us and I really want to leave but know biblically this is not right or good for my kids. I didn't mention but he is great with the kids. He never misses things they do or treat them bad. basically it is just me he treats that way.

How do we resolve this issue as I feel betrayed and want nothing to do with him but also know I have no right to make him have more but I feel he made a life altering decision without my permission.

I know most will say just appreciate what you have and I do agree with that somewhat but if you have ever wanted children and couldn't you would understand the feeling I have. There is just a huge hole in my stomach and children are just the world to me. I want someday to have a huge famil y to come home for supper, holidays and so much more. I felt this was just a decision that should have been made together. I also feel that we took God's work into our own hands to permenantly stop this. Even if he had not done the surgery every child is a gift from God and we would only have what he has in mind for us.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Bored toddler or uncreative mother?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 20:37:32 GMT

Often times it seems like my 22-month old son is bored. He is at home with me all day, and will often look sad or bored. (He often misbehaves when this happens.) He gets tired of his toys and looks to me for creative activities. The problem is that I am not naturally creative and sometimes I feel to warn out to act silly or be active with him. I have to work really hard to make him laugh or seem joyful. (He is the opposite for my husband. When my husband comes home, my son is nothing but smiles and laughter.) Does anyone else have this problem? How do keep a toddler entertained when you are home with him all day?

what is truth?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 20:05:23 GMT

How can people who claim to value and desire truth in others turn around and lie and expect others to lie for them?

How can people who claim to value freedom turn around and use power against others for their own purposes?

How can people who don't want to be spied on turn around and spy on others and expect people who work for them to be spies?

How can people who claim to value the family withhold a person's child from them until and unless they get what they want?

I don't understand these things. I don't understand how people who claim to be Christians, who claim to love Christ, can love money, power and control more. How can these people complain about being treated unfairly by the media - who understand that's all that these "Christians" are about?

It seems to me that if Christians want to make a difference in the world they are going to have to give up money, power and control and embrace truth and love. Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. I don't see him advocating lying, cheating, spying, controlling others, manipulating others, or using power to oppress and force others into submission. If Christians want to make an impact in the world again I think they're going to have to come clean, repent and stop being hypocrits.

advice, encouragement, prayer, anyone?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 19:26:05 GMT

I guess what our family needs more than anything is some encouragement and prayer. We have a 16 yr old son who is defiant. He does the opposite of what he is told to do. over spring break this year, he ran away for a week with an 18 yr old girl, they went to Arizona. He is not saved. We love him but it is REALLY difficult to show him or to respond to him in a loving way. It has been extremely challenging to our marriage, but God is using this to strengthen us as a couple, but our 13 yr old daughter is observing this behavior and learning from it. We are disciplining him, probably not hard enough, but nothing we take away from him seems to move him. The only thing we know to do is to be consistent and to pray. We recently found a letter from a girl who wants to have his baby! and yes, he is sexually active. AARRRGGGHHHH! sometimes my frustration is overwhelming!

Public, Private, or Homeschool?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Mar 2005 19:53:06 GMT

My daughter will be 5 in August. She was recently
diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. Her
therepist wants her in a full time structured enviorment.
I currently homeschool my 9yr old son. Work two days
a week. The public school system knows nothing about
this disorder, private school is a lot of money and
I am concerned about homeschooling her. Any suggestions?
Sensory Processing Disorder has to do with the processing
of imformation received by the senses. It is very
difficult to deal with and causes learning problems.

Husband is youth pastor and having emotional affair, possibly more

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:21:17 GMT

My husband is having an emotional affair and possibly more from what I can tell. He is a youth pastor and we had a young girl living with us to help her get closer to God. I noticed he was getting really close to her, trying to meet all her needs, even before mine, even touching her playing around. I put my foot down and told him to stop doing that. He stopped as far as I could see. Well the emails got worse though. They talk all the time and email and text, but I thought it was normal since she lived with us and was his assistant in running the youth. Then I found emails where he was saying that she meant the world to him, and he couldn't put it in words, but he loves her so so much he can't explain it and that he will be there for the rest of her life. He also put in love you your brother xxx. I think he did this to make him feel better like he wasn't doing anything wrong as long as he put from your big brother or I love you like my sister. Anyways, it got bad where we met with our pastor and his wife to discuss. He denied it was wrong for the longest time, then he admitted it was wrong. But, during the counseling, he got very defensive towards me. He had started doing this when the truth came out about the letters and I went to our pastor for help. He struck back at me with his words. I discussed with not to be up late watching tv with her. He would talk to her more than he would me. When I wanted to talk, he would say he was tired and go to bed. I told him to stop the emailing when it started, but he didn't.

I told him a few days after our counseling that I thought it would be better if she didn't come back with us (she went to a youth camp for 3 mths(left early March)) for the sake of our marriage and he blew up. He got really upset, like he couldn't believe it and said I was selfish and only cared about myself and I don't care ffor the ministry. I felt he put the ministry before our family, our ministry is very demanding, and this isn't the first meeting regarding his balance with our family.

This happened beginning of March 2010 and we are now in April, and he wants to separate. At first I was the one who wanted it after the letters because of lack of trust after telling him not to do that again. But, then 3 days into it, I realized I should fight for our marriage because we have 4 children (2, 12, 13, and 14), well he never let go of separating idea from the beginning when I first said it. He wants to separate only after me saying that I don't want her coming back to stay with us. Now he is saying it's because I don't want hte ministry or care about the youth and not because he got mad that he was confronted on his issue. I admit, I did complain about the ministry, we were seriously off balance, but I went to church 3+ times per week, he went 5+ times per week and not including the weekend events, birthday parties of members, etc. I tell him how can he so easily give up on his family, he said he will still be there for the kids, I said what about me, I am your wife. HE is very cold towards me now. AT first he was angry, but now he is just cold and heartlesss. He actually drove me around today looking for my apt for me and the kids. He doesn't even care about the apt much or mention anything about moving in with us after the few months of separation that he wants to do. He originally told me he wants to separate for a couple of months, and see what happens. No mention of him in our future plans anymore now. I started crying while apt hunting, and after finding some were too expensive, I asked what do I do, he told me, "well, until you quit crying then you won't be able to find any". This hurt me so bad that he has gone this far. He cares so much about this person's feelings that he even told her about the letters after our counseling meeting. I didn't think it was her business for him to tell her. He said he asked her if it meant anything bad to her or gave her the wrong idea. This past weekend he even took 2 other girls form the youth to the movies with our 12 year old daughter. I told him not to, and he did it anyways. I told him I don't think this is right. He said it isn't wrong. He said that me and everyone else wants to block everyone else out from his life and that we are just pushing him further away from me. When he prays in the morning, he can come to me right after and say, we need to find my apartment and my own car. He was driving around this young girl who lived with us, everyday to and from work and didn't get to work until 10am. But, because my car broke down, he has to take me and 3 of the kids to school. He said he is tired of cheauffering us around (after a week into it) that he is getting to work late. He gets there now between 9:00 - 9:45 the latest. He told me he wasn't doing his job right and that now he is focuing and balancing his work. Why are we a burden all of a sudden!? I also need to mention that he has had a past with adultery in our marriage, several times. I only know of 1 time, where he left us for the other woman (he also had a bad drug addiction), but he came back when he fell on his face. He didn't admit to the other ones, until years later, which I also forgave him for.

Now, he is saved, was preaching from the pulpit until about 2 weeks ago when he decided we were not going to go to that church anymore (where he was the youth pastor). This was right before he told me he wants to separate. I told him you are suppose to be there for me and if you say that I am not serving God like you want me to, then win me over to the Lord. He said this is what he's been doing for the last 4 years.

I've been a faithful, loving wife. Took care of the kids, and the house and hold a full time job. He had a full time job too and did the youth ministry, but he was very off balance, now he lefft the church, refuses to answer the pastor's phone calls now, has been constantly lying to me about everything from emails, texts to finances. I don't know what to do. I have pretty much made up my mind about getting a divorce later after everything calms down because even in Christ, he can still do this to me and the kids after all the other times. After he comes down from teh pulpit preaching to all the youth and living in sin. I just haven't proven yet about the physical part, but I believe it's there. He will never admit to it until I catch him.

What bothers me so much is how he is so willing to give up on me. Say, even if I wasn't serving God like he wanted me to, that's not a good reason to leave me and the kids. Again he always says, he isn't leaving the kids. That we need the separation for joy and peace because all we do is fight. I don't get him. He makes me question myself because he blames everything on me. My sister had to tell him today to quit blaming me that I did my job as a wife, took care of the kids, house, and had a full time job so that he could just go to work and concentrate on the ministry.

He and this other youth spent a lot of time together everyday, he says they are just friends, but now I believe it's something more. Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don't want a divorce, but I believe that he has cheated on me not only emotionally but physically and I told myself I would not put up with it again. Am I wrong for not wanting to continue our marriage because of this, not only because he doesn't want to anyways. I am 31 and he is 34 and we just hit our 16 year anniversary last month.

5yr old daughter

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 11:00:36 GMT

My daughter was just evaluated by a group of "specialist" and they think she is boarderline autistic...I just think that she has a couple of issues with add/adhd and dyslexia from what the test came back with. I am having trouble mostly with whether to have her go to kindergarten or wait one more year. I am so on the fence about this. Could any one give me any thoughts or objective opinions. Thanks!

Trying to Cope

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 27 May 2010 00:08:50 GMT

Hi, I'm a mom to a 3 year old who was diagnosed with cancer in January. We also have a 2 year old. For some reason lately I've been having a hard time coping and no one really knows this except of course my hubby, I appear happy but I haven't been sleeping and I've just been really sad. I keep a blog but I'm too afraid to write these new emotions there so I thought I'd start here. I do trust God and I love Him but the thought of losing our son terrifies me.

Message was edited by: Moderator

TTP for teens

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:54:06 GMT

Surely someone must have asked this already, but a quick search turned up nothing. I am guessing that TTP is aimed at about a second year college education level. Are there plans being put into place yet to re-stage this same basic content at about a grade 8 level (reducing the vocabulary and the speed)? Please say, "yes!" Please, PLEASE! say, "Yes."We must get these foundational biblical principles and the corrosponding critical thinking aparatus into the hearts and minds of students before they get into senior high, never mind college! Students need to be able to put this thinking to work as they are going through high school so that by the time they get to post-secondary education this is not something new to them.Please say, "Yes!!!" Better yet, please say, "Yes, and it should be ready to roll out next week!"Live ready!

Bob (volunteer youth worker... in case you couldn't tell )

Walt Brown's Young Earth Hydroplate Theory (Discussion)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 20:34:53 GMT

This is re-posted from another thread because there should be a place to discuss this resource (the one listed at the end of this message) in its own thread. Otherwise, we will all go insane!

Ethios,

I “feel your pain” because I’ve been there before. The primary difference is I wasn’t a Christian at the time – I was still an atheist. So I don’t know what it’s like to be weighing my feelings about faith and the Bible against my faith about science. What I do know is seeing conflicting scientific claims, one side being from “those who know” and the other side being from “those people who believe their Bible is true, regardless of what the science says.” That’s how I looked at it, as an atheist. And I imagine it’s partly how you’re looking at it, even though you’re a Christian.

I once had a Christian friend (while I was an atheist) who said “Who am I to tell God how he had to have created the world?” I thought that was very progressive thinking from a Christian at the time, and I was impressed. But then again, I was an atheist – his position removed his opposition to how I thought the world developed without God. Now, looking back from a Christian perspective, I remember how I, as an atheist, was encouraged by his concession, and it makes me wonder if “mainstreaming Christianity” was more to the benefit of Christianity or atheism.

I don’t know for sure if this is how my friend felt, but I suspect that maybe you feel (I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but this is how I felt) intimidated by the knowledge and authority of all those scientists who “all” agree that evolution happened the way secular evolutionists say it did. It’s easy to think “I haven’t studied 20 years, but everybody who has studied these things for 20 years thinks ‘A’ so who am I to believe ‘B’?” Or it may be that you think scientists have successfully debunked all young earth science. They may have tried, but did they succeed? Are they just using flim-flam arguments, assumptions, hearsay or sleight of hand to make it seem like young earth arguments are the flim-flams instead?

If you’ve not conducted these specific experiments yourself, to confirm using your own assumptions that they match the claims made by other scientists, then you’re putting your faith in those scientists to tell you the Truth (I don’t mean they’re intentionally trying to deceive, but that they may not correctly know the real Truth). There are flim-flam artists in Christian theology too – they make you think if you pray hard enough you’ll be rich, or get healed, or whatever. They use samples from scripture to support their claims. But the way to find if they’re correct, or if they’re just lying, you have to examine the scriptures in detail, and in context. It’s easy to carry an assumption in with you, so that you see confirmation of what you believe when you read. But a truly open heart will find what God wants him to find in the scripture, and it will show the flim-flammers up for who they are. Unless you’re willing to do that same thing with science – to gain a layman’s knowledge of science and fairly evaluate evolutionary science versus young earth science, then you’re putting your faith in those scientists every bit as much as some Christians put their faith in false prophets. You have to check what people tell you to believe by going to the source. That’s what I did with my study of evolution (which, at that time, before I became a Christian, was my faith). And what I found shocked me.

I found, as an atheist, that when I asked hard questions of my professors, or tried to find the answers to my unanswered questions in books, that they just breezed past the credible explanations and acted as if it’s “common knowledge” that this is how it works. When I probed further, I found more unsatisfying answers. I needed to really grasp how things worked, so I could explain it to the “deniers” like my mother and other young earth creation Christians who were held by this unscientific, anti-intellectual cage of religious thought they were caught in. But when I tried to learn enough to explain, or tried to assuage my own challenges to credibility (like “the human body and mind is so complex – how could this have developed on its own?”), I found empty answers. I found excuses and distractions. Some professors or scientists were honest enough to say, “We just don’t know.” But that just made me angry – “I’ve been studying this stuff for 8 or 9 years, and you’ve always told me ‘we know this is how it happened – so & so discovered it and this is how he proved it’ and now you tell me you don’t know??!!”

Then, one day, God touched my heart, and I looked at the mountains and thought to myself “This isn’t a random process. This was created.” For 13 years I had looked at those same mountains and thought, “Isn’t it incredible that something so beautiful and so complex could be developed through random physical processes?” It puffed up my faith in science and atheism to think that science so supported my atheistic worldview that everything developed on its own without the hands of God. Suddenly, on that day, my conscience told me it wasn’t random. I didn’t immediately conclude the “crafter” was God, but I knew it had to have been a higher power – God, aliens, etc. It wasn’t until a couple years later that I first turned to “a god” as a likely explanation, and a few years before I seriously returned to Christianity. You can tell I didn't come easily to young earth creationism, or even to Christianity, because of how resistant my thinking was.

Some time after that, I decided that I did know how God created the earth, because it really seemed like He clearly told us, in the Bible. It made sense to me that if God resurrected His Son, who He sent, and if God did all these other miraculous things, why should I try to insist there’s a scientific explanation for creation which is different from what Genesis says? “Why am I telling God how He had to have created???!!!”

I’ve spent time attending Rocky Mountain Creation Fellowship – a Christian young earth lecture society in Denver. They have monthly speakers on creation science. I’ve been fascinated by many of their lectures. One was by a geneticist who explained that secular science has shown that the human genome is drawn from a set of original male and female individuals who exactly match in number those who the Bible says survived the Flood aboard the Ark. As I’ve mentioned in other threads here, it would have been very easy for science to disprove (“falsify” in the language of the scientific method) the Bible by finding different numbers (I’m no statistician, but random chance would probably have a 95% chance of falsifying the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark). But the evidence actually matches the Bible – not proof, but what’s significant is that it didn’t disprove.

But what’s most encouraging about Rocky Mountain Creation Fellowship, from the perspective of a Christian who wants to believe in a young earth because the Bible seems to say that’s how it was, is that so many of those in attendance are scientists themselves – doctors, geneticists, engineers, geologists, physicists. These are the people who evolutionary scientists may work next to in their labs or classrooms, never suspecting they’re young earth creationists. Why? Because they feel professionally intimidated – they don’t talk about their “crazy” beliefs at work, because they know they’d get ridiculed. But they sincerely believe the science they see in their daily work supports a young earth perspective.

Another thing that cheers me, as someone who has been trying for years to say that there is a sort of conspiracy (maybe an unknowing conspiracy – a sort of mass delusion) among scientists to assume evolutionary origins as fact and to ignore creation perspectives, is the controversy over Global Warming. It’s a parallel thing – a majority of scientists saying global warming exists, and threatening to force “deniers” out of their livelihoods, and refusing to even countenance an open discussion of whether global warming exists. And yet not only are there many accomplished and knowledgeable scientists who disagree with the global warming theory (many of them quietly), but also there is now proof that individual scientists, researchers, and even whole organizations have conspired to cover up evidence to the contrary, and to use biased studies to “prove” global warming so people will just shut up about it. If you didn’t see these stories, do a Google search for “global warming” falsified and you’ll find the many scandalous news stories.

But, as I’ve said – if it’s hard to believe there’s this nefarious conspiracy to cover up the truth, if it’s too hard to imagine there are plotters wringing their hands and devising ways to fool people – you don’t have to believe it’s an intentional conspiracy. Most scientists believe as they do because they’re going with the crowd, or because they were taught by people who assumed evolutionary principles. I was among them – not as a student of science, but as a student interested in science, I assumed evolution was true, because there’s “all this evidence” and “smarter people than me say it’s so” and “I’ve never seen a credible scientist contradict evolution.” All those things were true back then – I’d never seen evidence to the contrary because I was so dismissive of Christian perspectives that I never gave any evidence or arguments a chance to contradict what “I knew.”

But science isn’t all that. One thing that “shook my faith” in science was Thomas Kuhn’s The Structure of Scientific Revolutions – a famous book that few professors dare to mention these days, because it can tend to undermine dogmatic upholding of traditional paradigms. Kuhn’s argument was that theories aren’t perfect, and despite an accepted “paradigm” explaining 90-99% of what we see, that over time “anomalies” begin to appear that scientists try to explain within the existing paradigm. Failing at that, some scientists develop alternative theories which explain the evidence better – sometimes even contradicting how we always assumed things worked, but which works equally well or better in the new paradigm. Kuhn said that when these alternative theories are first proposed, everybody who is “invested” in the previous paradigm will circle the wagons around it and insist it’s still just as true as it always was, and “How dare you try to say we were wrong!” Kuhn has plenty of evidence from history that this is what happens. Eventually – after decades or centuries – the alternative paradigm becomes the accepted paradigm, and the cycle starts anew.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, most medical scientists believed illness was caused by “humors” – four “elements” of bodily fluids called yellow bile, black bile, phlegm and blood. Doctors almost universally believed illness was caused by one of these humors being out of balance with the others, and treatment involved putting these humors back in balance. Their way of doing this was by administering poison, by bleeding, or by causing pain, often by administering red-hot objects to cause serious burns. This was medical science’s preferred method of “treatment”, and modern science tells us many people during those times, including George Washington, were killed by well-meaning doctors who didn’t really understand the nature of the disease or the proper method of treatment. They didn’t die because of their illness – they died because of medical science’s treatment! And yet if someone disagreed with these almost universally used methods and theories, they were considered a quack. They were ridiculed and run out of the company of “respected doctors.”

I think that same sort of “mass delusion” is affecting today’s science. They are so absolutely convinced they’re right, and yet they’re so absolutely wrong! In my opinion.

I was very encouraged in my new belief in a young earth when I found scientists who used real science to support young earth perspectives. They’re out there. Answers in Genesis is great! Yes, there are “debunkers” whose job it is to make it sound like AiG is false science, but I’ve seen AiG turn around and debunk the debunkers. They even have scholarly papers which are beyond my means to evaluate, but they sound as solidly scientific as the papers which supposedly debunk them.

My opinion is this – if AiG can go three rounds with hard scientists, giving blow for blow without being knocked down for the count, then I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve hesitated to put this out there, because I haven’t read through the entire book, and therefore I haven’t had the time to fully examine this particular creation science theory which purports to be a holistic approach to creation science – a new paradigm which attempts to explain everything related to creation, and debunk evolutionary perspectives at the same time. I’m hesitant to recommend it not because I really doubt it, but mainly because it sounds like an outlandish theory and I’d rather have a full knowledge of it myself before I start recommending it.

But since you are showing signs of the same frustration I’ve experienced, Ethios, I’ll put this out there in the hopes that it will at least give you hope that there IS a holistic theory of creation science which attempts to explain everything. I have not seen that from any other source. The author, Walt Brown, has a very credible background, an engineer, and taught science & technology at the Air Force Academy and Air War College. Yes, there are debunkers for this, same as with any other theory, but I believe the parts of his science which I’ve had a chance to evaluate make sense, and he explains this science in a textbook which is online (the menu along the left is the different parts of the book in digital format): http://www.creationscience.com/onlinebook/

I will also point out that many/most of the "debunking" is done by those who seek to mock Brown's ideas by fixing on some small part of his theory and rejecting it out of hand, not to offer a scientific rebuttal. Even many of those papers which purport to scholarly criticism have an undercurrent of "this guy is just silly" which detract from the whole.

I hope you’ll find this useful, in your quest to reconcile the true Bible with true science.

Hamilton

I don't know what to do,,PLEASE HELP

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 01:41:22 GMT

I feel in love with a wonderful man,,a christian man,,after we married i found out he has had many sexual affairs,,,has done some disgusting acts with women. I've worked really hard to get past that and have done much better,,now i'm finding porn sights and downloaded porn movies on his cp,,when i question about it. he says i didn't watch it,,sin is sin,,many different replies,,he said he would stop but he hasn't..i have a 5 year old son and do not want him raised with porn in the house,, my husband says he loves me everyday and i've never denied him sex unless i were sick or extremily tired...I believe in taking care of your spouses needs,,I feel lied to and cheated,,,When we are in bed i feel that he is really wanting one of those woman on the cp screen,,,, i'm so depressed that sometimes i want to die,,Just quit,,stop the hurt,,

Anger Mother of 4

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 May 2006 20:47:42 GMT

I total lose my temper - mainly with my to older children 10 and 9 - I just feel like I will lose control - I love my children and would do anything for them - Please someone please let me know of anything I can do - I don't want my children growing up hurt and hating me

thank you

Wife gone for 13 days now

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:16:39 GMT

13 days ago my wife of 2.5 years came home late and went into the other bedroom. I asked her what was wrong but except for a few angry sobs, all she told me was that she was lonely and that she can't believe I had treated her this way. She said she needed to sleep and didn't want to talk about it any longer. She said we would talk about it the next day, Friday. On Friday I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her, then later in the day she texted me to say that we were too emotional and she needed some space and was staying with a friend and we would talk after the weekend. She is a professional horse trainer and her coach was coming the next week. Apparently he showed up early on Sunday and planned to say the whole week through Saturday. In the middle of the week, she texted me and said that she needed to focus on things with her horses since it was so intense and that we would talk after the coach left. I called her in the middle of the week she screened my call so I left a message that said I loved her and some other things and that I wanted to talk. She texted right back that she was not ready to talk but that she was going to see the counselor who we had pre-marital counseling with. I had already been to see him a couple of times during the week. He told me that they had talked on the phone for some time and that she was going to come in on Monday (yesterday). I was really really hoping that she was going to do that and that she would talk to me afterward. But to my knowledge they never had set a time and nothing every happened. Today is her birthday and I sent her a poem that describes where I am at. I am hoping that she will be able to hear what is in it.

Today is an incredibly hard day for me. I have been focusing on God and trusting him. He has given me patience and strenth to get through these 13 days and find an amazing peace and joy. I have taken this 12 days to really go deep inside myself and my realtionship with God and try and figure things out. This is what she asked me to do in the beginning. I know that this is my fault. For the last couple of months I have been distant and withdrawn from her and I have lashed out in anger on many occassions. I cannot believe how much I have hurt her and how I left her alone in our marriage these last few months. This withdrawing has been a pattern for me and is usually associated with feelings of guilt, low self-worth, and pornography. I have focused on those in both understanding why they are there, how they affect me, and getting rid of them once and for all.

I have been talking with my counselor and friends about all of this. I have been writing about all of this for myself (something that I realize I need to always do to maintain connection with myself). I really have come a long way in my realtionship with God in terms of correctly understanding grace and forgiveness. And I have come to terms with some things in my past that I hadn't dealt with. I have forgiven myself for some of these things that I have held deep inside. I have come to a place of surrender with my God and he is changing my heart in fits and spurts. Knowing this would be a tough time, I started a Bible Study and mentor relationship about pornography. I also have an accountability partner and he installed SafeEyes software on all my computers. God is helping me deal with that sin and it hasn't been an issue during this very lonely time. I am confident in myself and in God that this can work out. I don't know how to get her to talk to our counselor. I don't know how to get her to talk to me. I am still hopeful because I have no reason not to trust her and no reason to think she isn't willing becaue she hasn't said that. But that hope is hard to maintain through a couple text messages through 13 days and no other contact. And while she hasn't said she isn't willing to fight for our marriage, she also hasn't given me any indication that she is.

Teenaged son and football

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:36:13 GMT

I have a 14-year-old son in the 9th grade and he is on the football team. However, he does not get to play very much, even when our team is ahead by three touchdowns. Apparently, the coaches are of the mindset that winning by one touchdown is not enough. I feel once the team has a comfortable lead, they should let the others play some.

How do I deal with a heartbroken son who just wants to play? What should I say to him?

I don't know what is real anymore

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 05:14:53 GMT

Early the morning of our 16th wedding anniversary, I used my husbands phone to send an email to a friend who was losing their job that day. I noticed that nearly every letter I typed gave me a suggestion to fill in with sexual terms. My hands nearly froze while my heart raced nearly out of my chest and my whole body began shaking. It couldn't be true. Not *my* husband. He loves me so much, he tells me all the time. But there were the searches. There was the history. All types of pornography. I couldn't stop looking and searching; I had to know it all. I was confused....some of it was nasty-girl raunchy sex stuff, some of it was "innocent" looking lingerie girls. What does he want?? I very, very rarely turned down his sexual advances which were almost constant, we had this incredible connection , he was so loving to me, I truly felt our marriage was definitely one of two devoted soul-mates. I'm sure he would have agreed. People wished they had our marriage, and I was so happy that God had put us together.

I woke him up, and still shaking, said, "We need to talk about your porn problem". It eventually came out that he has a problem with masturbation. Why the need to masturbate when your wife gives you sex 4-5 times a week? And sometimes additional attention from me to only him. He says that "real" women have never been an issue to him; he doesn't even need porn, it just makes it "go faster". How could he walk out of our bathroom and smile at me like nothing had just happened in there?? He was "checking his emails" before his shower?? Now I know he was flipping through to see which girl was going to get him off this time.

He also confirmed that this has been his issue our entire marriage and before.

To me, I feel like he has shared our entire marriage with his other no-name women. Yet, all the time telling me that I am everything he needs, he's so happy with me, etc. What was I to him? The physical body for his fantasies? He says no, but that's how I feel.

So much more to say...but I am frozen by emotions. It has been 9 months of daily hell for me. He says he sees it clearly now for what it is, and is so sorry. I want to believe, I really do. But how does "I love you" mean anything to me any more? I feel sick about us all the time. I can barely function, everything I see takes me to that dark place. Every cute girl makes me wonder if he wants her, too.

Please someone help me know how to feel alive and know our marriage hasn't been an entire sham. I feel like such a fool, yet he continually tells me how real his love for me has always been.

Facebook Boundaries

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 28 May 2010 05:24:48 GMT

What are appropriate boundaries when communicating and searching after friends for a husband and wife with members of the opposite sex?

Struggling with adult daughter/grandson

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 18:15:38 GMT

Some Background:

My daughter lives with me and was raised with Christian morals and didn't become rebellious until she was an adult. She doesn't drive & got involved with a man she worked with. She started seeing him and going out partying with him & others almost every night. Well, before long, I knew what she was doing. I pleaded with her in tears to stop doing what she was doing. She ended up pregnant and the father is not in the picture. She was in college and had her whole life in front of her to plan out...but she wouldn't listen to me... She realized after the fact that I was right.

My adult daughter and 2 yr old grandson live with me. She works and is in her final year of college. The problems I'm having are that she refuses to pick up after herself and her son more often than not. Her room looks like a tornado went thru it & she leaves pretty much everything where it falls. My other adult daughter and I always end up cleaning up after her & her son because I like my home clean.

We fight about this issue frequently. She always has an excuse as to why she can't clean up her & her sons messes. She seems to be angry a lot. I feel this anger she has is due to her regrets of the poor choices she made in the past & realizing I was right. She yells at and demands her sister and or I do this and do that for her so she can do whatever and well I'm just fed up with her disrespectful comments and fits of rage... I lost my temper with her during one of these fights last night and said some words to her that I shouldn't have. Yes, that is my biggest fault/weakness...my BIG mouth in the heat of rage...

My questions are: How do I get her to pick up after herself? How do I get thru to her about her responsibilities whether she works/attends college or not?

Fed up mom

Teen daughter out of control

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:25:02 GMT

Our teenage daughter is out of control. After 8 years at a small Christian school, she entered the public high school last year. She did well her freshman year, but this year she seems determined to push and defy us at every turn. Her grades have plummeted, she was caught drinking at school (once on a field trip in which I was a chapereone) and she is just very angry anytime we set even the loosest boundaries. Last night my husband found out that she had downloaded songs from 2 groups that he has forbidden. He is very lenient and accomodating with her, so I know that this group must be extremely bad for him to forbid them in our house. Her response was to scream obscenities at us for over an hour. Finally my husband called the police because she just would not stop. We have a 14 year old son and an 8 year old son that had to listen to this as well. Of course it is very upsetting to everyone. I think she was even upset with her behavior because she went over to her brothers to give them both a hug when she was going to bed. We are at our wits end with what to do with her. My husband is talking of sending her somewhere with very strict boundaries. I think we would both prefer to be able to handle this at home but he does not like to be the heavy and enforce rules. And on the other end of the spectrum, I tend to be very heavy handed and that has not worked well either. Someone had mentioned a teen challenge summer missions trip that they had sent their daughter to years ago. But I can't find any info on that. Any suggestions or ideas would be appreciated.

Biblical grounds for divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:50:41 GMT

This is the simplified version of 'my story'.

Five years ago my husband and I married. Unknown to me until our wedding night, my husband is impotent, he did manage with Viagra, to have sexual relations with me 6 or 7 times in the first year. He says he is afraid to use it because he 'might get leg cramps, or have heart palpitations', so that was the end of that!

I can accept this, altho I do feel deceived that I didn't know this before marriage. This has been a hugh disappointment as the intimate side of marriage is something I very much desired in our marriage, so much so I am not at all sure I would have agreed to the marriage had I known, however, I didn't get to make that decision, because I didn't know. This information withheld has definatly set the stage for lack of trust and security in the relationship on my part.

There are many other issues, in the marriage, the primary one being lack of communication and response to communications and others I won't go into here, as my question really is 'how does God see this' ? From what I read in scripture, my husband does not have the right to withhold himself from me and certainly not the right to deceive me.

Trying to break down our walls

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:21:42 GMT

Me, Male, married less thatn 10yrs. I feel that I am unable to breach the walls around my wifes heart. We have attended counseling, we have done better for a while but the area that lacks is her communicating with me. When she is upset, she shuts down completley and I am unable to reach her. I am left to wonder what she is contemplating, thinking or wishing.

Lately, I've been wondering if I have made a mistake and If i should just give up trying to break through. She has told me she feels like I am going to leave her and the kids even though I have told her I have no such wishes or plans. So, maybe she is thinking why bother with me. I am ranting here, but I am hurt and lonely and I am married. How does that happen? When we first started dating, she couldn't get enough of me. It felt wonderful! When we married, I was not very attentive the first couple years until we had kids in which time i feel like I improved. I could be wrong, but I feel lured into marriage and abandoned when the kids arrived. I receive little to no attention from her and she has told me that "sorry, after work kids etc,... i just don't have anything left for you". Back breaking statement in my opinion. I have not been able to get over that statement and the accompanying lack of attention to my direct request for some connection in which I am not doing all the work.

We have both been working on the issues we have identified in each other that we would like addresssed and to some success. The intimacy matter has almost gotten worse on her part. She rarlely initiates romantic encounters and if she does, basically does not put any effort into it, without going into detail here. I need help. I feel like I am checking out quickly and I don't want to, but the thoughts that I am having tell me I am not in a good place with her and I desperately want some female attention and to be brutally honest here, at this point, I don't even care if it's her.

Would appreciate some advice from women who have felt the way my wife may be feeling or have had similar experience so that I might get a view to what is going on w/her and do what I can to save this since I don't feel like she will do anything. And that's what terrifies me. Losing the love of my life cause she doesn't want me anymore. Feel sick

Autism Conference to be Held at Camp Pendleton

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:59:24 GMT

Hey guys - I thought any of you military families in this area might want to know about this....Autism Conference to be Held at Camp Pendleton: The second annual Marine Corps Installation West and Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton Autism Conference will be held on Thursday, 21 February at the Staff NCO Club at MCB Camp Pendleton. The conference is intended for policy makers, senior executives, military and civilian health care providers and support personnel, other Navy and Marine Corps leaders, TRICARE Regional Office West Staff, TriWest Staff, education community representatives and military family members. Information and registration information can be found at http://www.cpen.med.navy.mil/nhcp.cfm?xid=wap&f=x833A678B.

17 year old son dabbling in new drug-spice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:24:04 GMT

About 4 months ago I found a small amt of pot in my son's car. He admitted that yes, it was his, and that he wanted to try it. After some freedoms taken away, and continuous talks about drugs (which we have done for the last couple of years), like resumed to normal. He is at a christian high school and very involved in sports; so quite busy. Summer came, and he found a job and is working 30 hours a week. He is very responsible with work, at home; completely respectable to us, always makes his curfew, lets us know where he is at. With that being said, another drug incident has happened. Totally the Lord prompting me to investigate. Since he is making his own money, I have been watching that carefully via his checking account online, etc. The other day he left for the movies with a close friend and had 20.00 on him. Again, because of the Lord, I went to computer and saw that he took out 20.00 on the way, which led me to be immediately suspicious. I was thinking that maybe they didnt go to movies, so drove to theatre and his car was there. I almost drove away with a tiny bit of relief, but the Lord wasnt done yet. I decided to search his car, as I have a set of keys. Lo and behold, I found a new drug that is out on the market. It is called K2 and is legal in my state. Please parents, look into this new thing that is sweeping thru our teenagers life. They call it spice. It is basically herbs that you smoke to give you a high similar to marijuana. I went home, talked with my husband and called the mother of the friend who was with them. We waited until they got home and confronted them with the drug. They both admitted that yes they have used it. They also both admitted that they think it is fun, but not a big deal. So what now? I have obviously taken freedoms away, but where do you go from here? I could lock him up on restriction, but how do I deal with his heart and desire to do it?

'Noah's Ark' found in Turkey

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 21:51:43 GMT

The remains of Noah's Ark have been discovered 13,000 feet up a Turkish mountain, according to Turkish and Chinese Explorers.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/video/article300101.ece?vxSiteId=0bc72527-aa8e-4487-a5e8-94aae448c9dd&vxChannel=Sun%20Exclusive&vxClipId=1347_SUN44293&vxBitrate=300

They claim carbon dating proves the relics are 4,800 years old — around the same time the ark was said to be afloat.

Biblical tale ... Noah filled the ark with two of each animal species

Yeung Wing-Cheung, from the Noah's Ark Ministries International research team, said: "It's not 100 per cent that it is Noah's Ark, but we think it is 99.9 per cent that this is it."

He said the structure contained several compartments, some with wooden beams, that they believe were used to house animals.

The group of evangelical archaeologists ruled out an established human settlement on the grounds none have ever been found above 11,000ft in the vicinity, Yeung said.

Local Turkish officials will ask the central government in Ankara to apply for UNESCO World Heritage status so the site can be protected while a major archaeological dig is conducted.

The biblical story says that God decided to flood the Earth after seeing how corrupt it was.

He then told Noah to build an ark and fill it with two of every animal species.

After the flood waters receded, the Bible says, the ark came to rest on a mountain.

Many believe that Mount Ararat, the highest point in the region, is where the ark and her inhabitants ran aground.

Article from The Sun

Family Relationship

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:14:21 GMT

Our children were raised in a Christian home with strong values and guidelines. We have a daughter who lived with us until she was in her late 20s. She then moved out of the house. Three years ago, out of the blue we found out that she had taken up with a man who had left his wife for our daughter. They lived together for a few months and then he went back to his wife. Since then it has been an off and on thing. Since last summer, they have been on again and he has custody of two of the children and fighting for the third.

Carbon 14 Dating

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 23:15:26 GMT

In the many Creation vs. Evolution threads I've participated in here, I continually get frustrated by how reasonable these "scientific old-earth" arguments sound. And then...

Everytime I go back into a Creationist environment, with other scientists -- geologists, astronomers, geneticists, doctors, etc. -- who believe in a Young Earth, I go back to thinking how silly old earth arguments are, and how unreasonable their whole body of deduction is.

This is, as many of you know, what led me to become a Christian in the first place. I was an atheist/evolutionist who then became an atheist/creationist (i.e. Intelligent Design), who only later became a Christian/creationist. The oft-cited charge that Intelligent Design is a religious philosophy should be disproved by the fact that I was one before I believe in any God or god -- and I wasn't alone. ID has nothing to do with religion, except that its position that there was an intelligent designer is compatible with young-earth creationism, but it is just as compatible with old-earth creationism (theistic evolution) and panspermia (aliens planted us here).

But that's not why I'm writing this.

I'm wanting to know if there are rational scientific responses to a few charges. I'm not looking for excuses. I'm looking for actual reasonable science.

Carbon 14 is a measurable radioactive element which can be tested against its current half-life (which may or not have always been at that rate), and which honest scientists say should not be present in anything which is older than 50-70,000 years because it would have decayed below the point of measurability. This is odd, because we find Carbon 14 in diamonds and dinosaur bones.

Has any scientist actually produced proof of a testable (i.e. organic) object that reads "zero" when subjected to Carbon 14 dating?

I'm not talking about "Oh, we didn't test it for C14, because we know it's older that 70,000 years." And I don't want anyone to bring up "all these other dating methods," because that's not relevant to this discussion. Maybe you think you can prove something is 14 million years old through some dating method. I dont' believe it, but you can go on thinking that. It's not relevant to this discussion, which is limited to C14.

Are there things tested which should show C14 if they're younger than 70,000 years, which actually show zero measurable C14 content?

There are other questions, too, like why don't we have more nickel if we've been bombarded by meteorites for millions of years? Or why don't we find hundreds of fossils of proto-humans in various stages of evolution if there were tens of thousands of them alive over millions of years? Or why do we still have comets if they have just a relatively short lifespan before they wither away?

Taken in isolation, each of these arguments can be countered by what I consider a "scientific excuse" -- an answer that sounds both scientific and definitive, but which actually either misses the point or is based on assumptions or is otherwise flawed in some major way. But taken together -- erosion rates, sediment deposition, lack of transitional fossils, a general lack of fossil numbers where we should expect more, the fact that everything seems to have C14 in it, etc. etc. etc.

The scientific institution (the same people who have maintained for decades that global warming is "basically proved") sounds like it's got a good game, and their arguments sound solid when presented in isolation. But Creationism has brought up a thousand reasonable questions which I've not heard good responses to. Sometimes I hear what sounds like a reasonable response to one or two points. But overall, there are just too many unanswered questions and too many assumptions-upon-assumptions to make the Theory of Evolution seem credible to me.

What say you?

Hamilton

How do I get my 12yr and 14 yr old boys to stop fighting?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 23:32:07 GMT

My boys seemed to have reached an age when they are so physical with each other, that things quickly turn to serious fighting. When they are in the midst of a fight, they refuse to listen to me and won't obey. What do I do. I am worn to a frazzle with their constant competing and fighting. What can I do?

My Mother-in-law that refuses to share...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 07:35:09 GMT

I figured I might post this here since I'd getmore understanding from this group probably. We are an AF family..I am prior service and my husband is on his 11th or 12th year ( I forgot! ) ..we've been married for 7 years now.

My family is what could be considered as southern, and his family is from the north... my family is Baptist.. his family is Catholic. We have 3 kids under the age of 6.. and my husband will soon be deploying for his 5th deployment.

So now that you have that background...

I have a huge problem with his Mother! Ever since I met her I had this feeling that she didn't like me to much. ..oh yeah some more back ground real quick... Hubby is adopted.. and was adopted 11 years after his brother was born. So they waited a long time to get a baby.. which turned out to be him.

OK.. so I've always felt like she disliked me for being the one who took "her baby boy" away. I felt more accepted by his brother and sister-in-law and even his Dad to some degree, but have never felt very much warmth from his Mother .. as much as she tries hard to make it seem other wise. When we announced that I was pregant the very first time.. at Christmas time..I remember she didn't seem as happy or excited as the rest of the people in the room.. it was more like.. she didn't beleive us. I ended up loosing that baby a few motnhs later.. and soon after she tells me about how she had gone through miscarriages too and that's why they adopted. I had told her that we named the baby Elijah, and she got this very disaproving look on her face and said "Why a boys name? You didn't know if it was a boy." I strongly felt in my gut that it was a boy so we decided to give it a boys name, but she was firm on that I could'nt be sure or not if it was a boy. I felt ridiculed from her for naming it, and that made me upset because she had gone through miscarriages so I thought she might have some sort of mercy towards the situation. Fast forward a few months.. Hubby is soon to leave on our first deployment as a couple, so we decide to get pregnant. This time we just told everyone overthe phone, and everyone SEEMED happy. Hubby leaves..his parents are there to see him off...I finish my tour..and go to stay with my folks ( I was stationed in my home state) for the rest of the pregnancy and his deployment. His mom hardly ever asked about my OB appts... I felt strongly that it was a girl and low - she was. I would talk to hubby more than he talked to his Mom and Dad, and rightfully so since I was pregnant with his child, and also having a rough pregnancy. Oddly enough.. or not so much.. I felt like she held this fact against me.. that I got to talk to him more and held more information about his duties that she knew. So..I had the baby and two weeks later Hubby comes home.. my parents and I picked him up at the airport and drove back tot he base with him. He always takes a lot of leave after a deployment.. and I had told his parents to just wait on coming to visit until he's had time to adjust with the baby. They came to visit that weekend. even though we'd be visiting them in a few weeks..They visited more through out that year as well.. his Brother and fam lived in a few hours close by... so months later we get orders to move, right at Thanksgiving time. My parents visited to give us a proper Thanksgiving and stayed with us since they couldn't afford a hotel and travel. His parents visited at Christmas time..Hubby gts order to deploy again.. we decide to get pregnant again.. We tell everyone and they sort of seem happy. His Brother and Fam get orders to live a few hours from us again..everyone but my family is there to see him before he leaves and his Bro. and fam are there o see him off too. I go through the usual things pregnant military spouses go through.. raising a toddler, OB appts.. and going through a dity move to a bigger house... by myself. Once again his folks don't seem too interested in my OB appts.. and for the most part it goes well. Hubby was in Kuwait.. so it was a low stress deployment.. did the whole move to a new house again.. . At the end we get some bad news about babies kidneys..still his folks weren't on the phone calling all the time with worry or interest. I was back at my folks before the birth. Hubby comes home 2 weeks before the birth, my mom comes down to help with toddler.. we tell his parents to wait b/c my mom is there helping and it's crowded. They come like the weekend my folks leave. They come down a fewmore times that year.. except for her-2nd child's- 1st b-day ( they drove 24 hours to be at 1st child's 1st b-day for one day) .. they visit at Christmas.. Next year.. hubby deploys again, short notice.. no time to get pregnant this time.. No one is there to see him off. I was made to leave and go visit my folks before he left.. so we had an early seeing off get together.. first time his family wasn't there. He comes back a few months later.. his folks come visit. we decide to get pregnant.. again. Christmas time.. we are nervous and wait to announce it...when we do. .we are met with less than excited replies. one said "See, I told you they'd tell us if they were!" .. the other - his Mom- said "Are you certain?". Great pregnancy, but this time towards the end his mom is asking all the time when my OB appts were and how I was doing. We finally had our boy- once again like I thought it would be- and suddenly they were all excited. Once again my parents were here to help.. they left.. we told his parents to wait a bi for us to relax.. they come like the next weekend. A few motnhs later they visit agan.. for Christmas.

So now that you have a general idea of the goings on...

Yes, his parents drive the 24 hours to come visit us and his brother and fam several times a year. My family is lucky if they can get time off to come to visit even once a year. We have gone to see my family simply because they have not been able to see us during the year and they still aren't able to get time off. My family always stays with us when they visit because they can't afford a hotel for a week on top of travel and life expenses. They help us when they can and if we really need it though often when they can't afford to do so. His family can certainly afford the trips and can afford to stay in a hotel, but we've let them stay with us out of kindness. My mom loves to cook and cooks for us when they are visiting, we're lucky if his family cooks breakfast, and they've only recently started reembursing us a little of the expense to feed them. We are a single income family and most of you knwo how "well" the military pays! We constantly hear abotu how we don't pay our rent here ( even though we actually do..) and how we live for free pretty much. They have asked for Christmas lists from the kids before and I've said.. no large items because we don't have the room.. and every time.. there has been some type of large-ish item. We tell them not to visit just yet.. and they come down as soon as they can. Every single year they come down for Christmas, and yet my folks have never seen my kids at Christmas time. Our oldest child is 5 years old. The last time I was home for Christmas, I was pregnant with our second child because my mom had knee surgery, my G-ma fell and broke her foot and so I was there to help. One time at teh dinner table, while his parents were visiting and staying with us, we talked of traveling.. and his mom piped up with teh fact that the previous year we had been to my hometown 3 times to visit..( one of which was for the funeral of my G-ma who died suddenly). We are never asked IF we will be here for Christmas, or IF it's ok that they come to have Christmas with us. We usually have to arrange Christmas when they get here as to when we will have our own little family Christmas.

So now to my point.. finally..

How in the world do we tell his Mother that they are going to have to learn to share the Holidays!!!????? Even my husband agrees that we can tell her all we want, but in the end she'll do what she wants.

I have already told her that IF hubby deploys this year, myself and the kids will be at my folk's place for Christmas. Her reply was that they would get a hotel on the way back from visitng his brother and fam.. and the kids could come to the hotel a few days to ahve Christmas there with them. There was no "Is it ok if we get a hotel and they vist us?" no "will you have time to visit us if we stop by?" .. nothing.. it just simply is a fact ... the kids WILL visit the hotel and swim and have in-law Christmas time. The Brother-in-law and fam are going away to the Keys for Christmas..so She can't follow. Well... Hubby's parents don't knwo yet that he IS deploying.. onyl my family knows as of yet. I have decided to let hubby tell them.. and he's not sure when that will be. ( There are other, deeper reasons behind my decision.. to talk about with those who care at another time)..

Also... how do I get it across to the In-law family that I want to see Hubby off alone.. with just the kids and myself??? I'm sure everyone can understand about getting selfish about "Good-bye time" at deployments. I don't like his whole family being there because it takes more precious time away from him saying goodbye to his kids. The squadron takes up enough time with it's stupid breifings and what not that day... how do I get them all to understand that Good-bye time needs to just be us this time??? They can say goodbye a day before that is fine.. but the night before and the day of.. needs to be just for us I feel.

My Mother-in-law..everyone knows she is a control freek even if tey don't openly admit it. She runs the roost and always has. Keeping her happy is what the family has done for years.. Both of her sons are no longer Catholic.. but yet. when she visits.. we all go to mass. Except in our family where I have put my foot down firmly and made the rule that only once will we attend mass with his parents, so the kdis can see the differences of the churches. At Bro-in-laws house.. when they are down.. when a meal prayer is given.. it's given by her or Bro in-law.. and everyone but my household crosses themselves.. We have a rule that we will not conform for the sake of appearances. If Mother in-law wants a picture of the fam.. everyone gets a picture made wheather they like it or not. She is the Queen Bee and no one argues with her. They have a family rule.. unknown to his parents.. that No one.. talkes abou politics or religion whem the in-laws or around. His mom works at the Catholic church even..

So anyways,

This is the question that I put out there... does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a Mother in-law that pretty much refuses to listen to us and share us with my side of the family ( Sis-in-law lost her Mom before we got married..and has been astranged to her side of the family for years..) No one is allowed to make his mom cry.,. even though Hubby has done it numerous times because he's not afriad to tell her the truth. So it will have to be hubby that tells her this.. but ... How do we go about doing it.. now that it's been 7 years fo doing everythign Her way?

For the serious part... if we don't fix things now... these things and other issues will put a serious strein on our marriage.. and already has. Hubby and I just talked about these questions last week because I was so stressed about how things are handled according to her and other issues involving her. There is a crack in our marriage and if we are to mend it.. Mother-in-law must be delt with about these issues.

Thanks for your time.. sorry to be so long 'winded" ..

My wife says that God is orchestrating our divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:32:45 GMT

I have been married for 6 years. This is my first marriage, her second. We went through a rough patch the last couple of years, no infidelity that I know of or that she admits to when asked. She went to our pastor and him and his wife ask her how we got together and when she finished telling them, they tell her she did not get biblical advice. WE both went through counseling through our church and previous pastor, for weeks. We were married in the church. The pastor that told her she did not get biblical advice, is referencing a book written by a man named Steve Miller called "head on a platter". He told her that she needed to fix her mistakes, that she needed to divorce me and either reconcile to her ex husband or stay unmarried. He has referenced four scriptures, 2 in the old testament and 2 in the new testament. Ezra 9 and 10 where Ezra commands the jews to put away their wives of the people of the land that worshipped pagan gods. THe other 1 samuel 3 I think, where David sends for Michal, who is married to Abner. THe pastor is saying that this makes it ok for her to divorce me. She is being obedient to God. One of the verses in the NT is where John tells Herod that his marriage to Herodias is unlawful. I konw that in Deut. it says that she cannot go back to her first husband that it is an abomination before GOd. I know that we are also coverd by grace through the death, burial and ressurection of Jesus Christ, but she says that is not enough, that she also needs to be obedient in the matter that we are in a continual state of fornication. Prayers are much needed. Thanks for listening

Jessie

Get Plugged In Webcast: PluggedIn for kids or youthful listeners...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:35:21 GMT

Any thoughts to having a more youthful version of the PluggedIn broadcasts that talk to the kids and teens about the movies being reviewed? Not that we need Miley Cyrus talking to our kids, but to have something that backs up the parents coming from a "peer" may help get kids to understand the message. It could also help kids be stronger when the are at a friends house "Hey, I heard about that movie from a girl on PluggedIn. She said ...this..about it. Let's not watch it."

Thanks for the work you all are doing. Blessings on you.

Herb

Husband to one wife

Father to six great kids

Job Search

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 18:47:55 GMT

I resigned from my church last spring without a call. I've looked at some job boards, eg Interchristo, etc, and am working with my association on possible calls. Is anyone away of sources for connecting with churches looking for pastors, particularly conservative Lutheran pastors who love God's word and are concerned with evanglism?

help please!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:33:46 GMT

hi..

i need help with my marriage.. well my husband is currently in afghnistan, we have a baby girl.. & i been stress & very very sentimental..!! he left 2 months ago.. n we r having lots of problems. everythin was okay.. but i just that whenever he calls, he is always in a bad mood. im always tellin him thing that im doing to keep me busy but it seems like he doesnt care, for example.. i told him baby im gonna get my hair cut n im gonna look diff is that oka? n he said well thats ur problem u r grown up n have ur own opinios, i mean he is my husband n i love to share hing with him, but it seems like he doesnt care, i understand that he may feel like that cuz he is away undre alot of stress.. but sometimes i just feel like. w.e! sometimes i just wanna tell him not to call me at all..! cuz its like he doesnt care .. n i feel rly empty cuz when he was home he was the only one i used tell thing 2.. n now that i tell him things, its like yea w.e.. do w.e u want.. its up 2 you.. he is my hubby n he is supposed to listen n have an opinion with me..! cuz when a couple gets married they become one.. n thts how we were.. but things got so bad.. that i ly dun kno wut to do..!

please help me. i dun wanna feel this way.. i feel like my marrige is fallin apat.. all we do is fight..! n thats not gud.. =[.. i want things to work.. but he is not helpin.. all he does is bein in a bad mood and argue with me.. =/..

i need an advice..!!

thanks!

Help! 14 yr old son saying he hates me when I discipline him?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:26:05 GMT

My husband and I are separated. My son is very angry. He is 14. When I discipline him for defiant behavior he will mumble under his breath that he hates me. I know that means it is in his heart. I have been disciplining him for this for years to no avail. How do I get him to stop saying that and take personal responsibility for his defiant behavior that caused him to need consequences in the first place?

parenting the "gifted" child

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:24:28 GMT

My 6 year old daughter is a highly energetic, talkative, kind-hearted, beautiful girl. She is also extremely bright and considered "gifted". I never use the term in front of her, but she knows she's great at nearly everything she tries. She did great in Kindergarten last year and even received Student of the Quarter. (She is always comparing herself to other kids and has to be better than them. It's amazing, yet frustrating, that, when she sets her mind to anything, from piano, to academics, to sports, she always excels.) There are problems that come with a gifted child, including being a perfectionist and being sensitive. Lately, she just seems to be miserable. I hate to make a huge generalization, but it's as if nothing is ever good enough. If things aren't exactly perfect, it kills her. Lately, it seems as if she's looking for things to complain and get upset about. I had a similar personality type as a child and know that anxiety and depression can quickly sneak in, even as a child. I try to remind her to be thankful for what she has. I've even asked her to try to think of something she's thankful for when she starts to complain, but it hasn't worked. She has started bossing other kids and has even hit another child when they don't do what she tells them to do. Then she gets very frustrated with herself and says she's a bad kid and hates herself.

When it comes to the constant complaints, my husband and I decided to take a toy away each time she makes a completely ridiculous claim. I'm not sure that's what we should do, but I know we're quickly becoming very frustrated and it's leading to yelling at our daughter. She can also be VERY strong headed and has been picking many battles lately. She has always been a kid who is somewhat hyper, so it's difficult for me to have the energy to deal with it all. She even seems annoyed when I hug her, as if I'm hugging her incorrectly. I've always been a parent who sticks to my guns on things, but I'm wondering if I need to pick fewer battles? She can be very manipulative (we've called her our little attorney) so I'm afraid she'll take the reigns and run if I give an inch. I don't know if my daughter is battling anxiety/depression, or if she's trying to manipulate us...although I can't think of anything she's gained from this behavior. I just don't know how to parent her at all at this point.

should I wait for him?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 22:42:41 GMT

I lived with my husband 4 years before we married. He was not saved and didn't want to hear about Jesus. He went to church with me a couple of times but he didn't let me go after we started to live together. We had our first kid, a boy. We often argued about almost anything. I started to wonder wether we should continue living together or not. I started to see someone else at my job. We didn't have sex, but we kissed. My husband found out about that. We had awful arguments, of course. I knew I wanted to keep my family together and asked him to forgive me. He said he forgave me. We tried by ourselves to find the reason of our fights in the past and my actions at that time. We thought I felt unsecure in our relationship status because I always had wanted to marry and he delayed it. We thought we had overcome that situations and we decided to marry five months later. Marriage didn't heal the wounds. We kept fighting. I got pregnant of our second boy. I was only a few months pregnant when my husband started to see another woman. He left the house when our little boy was a couple of weeks old. He asked for divorce. It was an awful, painful process. He didn't want to pay the child support. And laws here, (Mexico), allowed him to avoid that responsibility. It's been more than five years now since he left. He doesn't come to see the boys. He lives in another city. He shows himself here only once in a year. He married the other woman and has more children with her. My family at church supported me in prayer. They keep praying for my (ex)husband and I to be together again. Since the divorce, I haven't wanted to be with him again. I think he's gone and he won't come back. I have started to pray again for his salvation, first of all. And for God's will in our lives. I'd like to know your point of view about it. Should I pray for him to come back, since he has another family now? I want to do God's will in my life. And I don't know if I have to stay alone the rest of my life or should I pray for a partner? I know I don't want to live alone, but I haven't prayed for my husband to come back. I have forgiven him, but we don't talk anymore.

I appreciate you reading my (long) story and for your prayers and advise.

my concern with rolbox game on web.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 22:00:04 GMT

PARENTS PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN YOUR CHILD PLAYS ON THIS GAME. I THOUGHT MY SON

WAS PLAYING GOOD GAMES WHICH THIS WEB SITE IS FOR KIDS. AFTER LETTING HIM PLAY

FOR SEVERAL WEEKS I STARTED CHECKING HIS HISTORY, AND MOST OF THE GAMES HE

WAS PLAYING WERE BAD.. I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I DONT WONT MY CHILD PLAYING

GAMES LIKE THIS, MOST OF THEM HAD TO DO WITH KILLING, EXAMPLE BLOW UP THE TWIN TOWERS,

ROB A BANK, KILL THE MAILMAN. ETC. I WAS SHOCK AND SO SAD , I HAVE NOW TAKEN THIS

FROM HIM, AND HE IS SO UPSET. PLEASE I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR BACK FROM MORE PARENTS ON THIS

WEB SITE, MY SON IS ONLY 10

Husband with low sex drive

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:13:45 GMT

My husband and I just had a discussion where he told me he felt like he has had a lower sex drive in the past 3 or 4 months. I got offended and felt like he was saying that he did not have a desire to have sex with me anymore. He claims that is not the case and thinks it has something to do with a herniated disc injury that he is living with right now. It causes him to be in pain every day and he takes Aleve to help cope with the pain on a daily basis. He thought maybe it was the medication or just having to deal with that in general that has something to do with it. However I am not buying it. The doctor never said lowered sex drive was a symptom of a herniated disc. Should I be offended? Should I trust him when he claims that it has nothing to do with lack of attraction even when that's what causes a man to want sex.....is being attracted. I don't know what to think and in the mean time I am feeling really low about myself!

15 year old girl fights with her family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 05:03:09 GMT

My daughter is 15 and a super student and generally a great kid. The problem is the way she treats her 10 year old brother and the attitude she talks to us with. She looks for opportunities to pick fights with him, and when we discipline her, she accuses us of favoring him and it escalates into the same old fight. I worry about her lack of respect for her family. We are a close family. Not perfect, but have put family first always. This is having a very negative effect on our relationship. Any suggestions on how to cool all of us down?! Thanks.

Will kids just be kids?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:20:05 GMT

My 6 yr old is an only child. Very loving, well behaved, disciplined. My problem is when she plays with other kids in the neighborhood,alot of times they act like brats to her, and she comes in crying, asking,"Why do they treat me that way? I just want to be there friend, and I dont treat them like that" Breaks my heart.I feel like jumping in, but i dont think I should. How can I help her get through this , and what should I say to her to console her? THX!

husband into teen porn

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:54:26 GMT

I've found out my husband has been looking at teen porn. He is 41 years old. We just got back together 9 months ago after being apart for 7 years. We had issues like this the first time around too. Should I be worried?

Blessing Military Marriages

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:10:29 GMT

On May 25, our nation will celebrate Memorial Day -- a day set aside to honor the men and women who have sacrificed their lives in military service. In observation of Memorial Day, would you post notes of encouragement to support the military couples who are a part of our online community? We're looking forward to hearing from you!

I need some advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:08:39 GMT

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13. I have 2 children from a prior marrage but they do not see their bio dad so my husband is dad to them. About 4 years ago we separated for a little over a year and then I went back. Now I question why I did that. Anyhow, this past April I had contacted an attorney and was set to file for divorce when we found out the my husband was sick. They thought that he had liver cancer but it turned out to be Stage 4 cirrosis, (for those of you that do not know Stage 4 is the last stage). Anyhow, of course I did not file for divorce, I mean I can not leave a sick man. Well the problem is I am miserable, we fight all the time, he is controling and psychologically abusive to me. Not only is all this strain affecting my health but it is affecting the behavior of my 15 year old son. I really do not know what to do, I do not know how long he has left and the Dr.'s can not tell me. Could be 2 months or could be 5 years. I want to leave but I feel so guilty walking out on him when he is certain to die in the next 5 years or so. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Evolution in the making?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 15:19:32 GMT

I came accross this news story and since I am a tradesman and not a biologist, I would like some response to it It is here...http://http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/world/2010/08/26/15151191.html Anyone?

Cheap honeymoon ideas?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:27:54 GMT

getting married this fall!

THANKS! =D

"Man on the Street" Interviews

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:46:39 GMT

Hello all. I have a question about the assorted 'vignettes' in the Truth Project series… the short clips that survey "The World" for answers to imporant questions. There's the gray-haired New Age lady, there's the black homeless woman and then there's the brilliant 13 year old named Kyle and several others. These little clips are what my question is about.

Recently, my good friend in another state began attending a Truth Project small group offered through her church. I should say also that while I have not yet led my own Truth Project small group, I have attended a local training seminar and may be hosting a small group in the near future. Anyway, her comment about these vignettes is that they appear (to her) to be too "staged" or too "one-sided." I think she suspects that, with respect to the various unbelievers featured in these clips, maybe their better, more cogent answers were left on the cutting room floor and only their dumb answers were included in the final cut.

Now my observation about that is this: It's actually not a bad thing to consider that possibility… I think we should be aware of the tricks that can be pulled in editing either audio or video. However, and I'm going to tell her this, her concern implies that there ARE more cogent answers in the unbelieving world than those given. And yet, if you listen to the more prominent and vocal advocates of a secular world view -- the guys that debate the issue and write books and who ought to have refined their craft -- you quickly discover that, well, their answers aren't any more cogent. Go to Dawkins, go to Provine, go to Michael Ruse, Go to Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris and Deepak Chopra and the list goes on and on. If there were more cogent answers, you'd think these guys would be able to offer them. But they can't. Why? Because they don't have the truth. No matter how hard they try, their answers are not going to be satisfying.

Having said that, I have several questions:

1. Has anyone else encountered a similar objection and if so, how was it dealt with?

2. Does anyone have information about how these "Man on the Street" interviews were acquired and conducted? What was the agreement with the various people? Was there full disclosure as to how the footage would be used?

3. Is there any resource available to us that would help us to relieve such concerns?

I appreciate any input on this that I can get.

Thank you!

TRoutMac

Help! Pornography Exposure

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:57:37 GMT

My 11yr old daughter has had a close relationship with her dad for many years. The other day she came home from his house saying she never wanted to go there again, he is a bad man! She had seen some large posters full of photos of naked women in his room. I assured her that he probably accidentally left them out and I would tell him to keep them put away, but she insists that she feels creepy about going there. Every day she becomes more emphatic about not going there ever again.

I don't know what to say to her. I know that he has had a sexual addiction all his life and I tried to explain to her that it was a major part of our divorce, but he is still her daddy. How can I help her to forgive him and adjust to this new level of awareness? Also, how much should I tell her father? (He hates me already) Should I force her to go to his house when it's his time?

Posting questions to Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner - A Letter to the Community

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 08:24:40 GMT

Dear Marriage Forum Community,

I can't tell you how many times we have agonized over the sex and sexuality related posts on this forum. Focus on the Family has responded privately to questions surrounding these issues for years but not on public forums.

After much discussion about how to best serve the Marriage forum community we decided it would be a great benefit to have Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner online to answer your sex and sexuality related questions.

The Penners counsel couples in the area of biblical sexuality and have agreed to spend some time with you to offer advice and encouragement. Click on 'New Topic' on the nav bar located under the forum header to post your question.

We want you to be free to ask whatever you need for this particular event so no topic is off limits. However, because of the seriousness and sensitive nature to these questions there some house rules that you'll need to keep in mind:

While we typically encourage community responses to posted questions, you will only see replies from the Penners during this event. Please know that this is only because we want to be sure that you are receiving the most reliable information possible!
Posts will not be made public until the time of the event.
Do not refer to your spouse in a derogatory way. No name calling, put downs or belittling.
No crude language or slang of any kind.
Our moderators may edit your post. Please don't be offended. We are trying to be sensitive to you and the forum community with the content posted here.

Thank you in advance for your participation!

18 year old daught that complains and is easily irritated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 18:02:34 GMT

We have a wonderful 18 year old daughter but lately she is very negative about things,complains about most everything and lately becomes easily irritated. I know this isn't a Godly trait and I really think at times she doesn't even realize she is doing it. It has become habit. I have talked with her and that only makes us have an argument. It has become a problem with her boyfriend also. I want her to be the fun-loving young lady that everyone loves. I have recently taken her to the doctor and they have diagnosed her with pms but that should only affected her for about 2 weeks. How do I help her with this problem with me sounding like I am complaining as well? We don't have problems with her in any other area but this.

Thanks,

Concerned-mom

Having difficulty trusting husband -- trying to trust, but things come up...help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:07:50 GMT

Hi. So, we've been married almost 13 years, through lots of ups and downs, but really doing quite well recently...until Saturday. I found that he had texted and had a phone conversation with a girl that he had met while he was working on Martha's Vineyard a few years ago. While he was there, I was home in Florida with our 4 children. Back in April or May, she had friended him on FB and sent a message in which she commented, "I'm glad it's not weird that we're FB buddies." Well, she also referenced speaking with him at some point last year, over the phone. I am so frustrated. I had confronted him about the email and the comment and he said that she was his roommate's girlfriend at the time on MV, but when I asked him why he talked to her last year he said that she was going through a rough spot...and now after asking him about the most recent contact, especially after I made it clear I wasn't thrilled with the message and post she had sent on FB (which he has since deleted), I just don't know what to think.

He told me that he texted her and called her to let her know that I wasn't ok with what she wrote...when I asked him why he waited until now, he said he realized he had never replied to her. HMM...but she send a msg on FB, and he texted then called her -- it just doesn't sit right with me and I don't know what to do. He did say he won't do FB at all any more and also gave back his phone -- says he loves me and only me is not interested in her in any way, shape or form, but I have a hard time with why he was calling/texting her. I really want to take his phone and text her and see how she replies, but of course, I'm sure that's Satan prodding me to do that, but if he's lying to me, I want to know. We've had various issues with him lying to me throughout our marriage, although usually it's been about the time he's gotten out of work (b/c he wants to stop by a friend's house on the way and doesn't want to tell me) and then some issues with smoking pot.

I want to move forward and to be able to trust him implicitly, but I keep stumbling onto to things and really am not sure if he's lying or telling the truth!!

I'd love any suggestions or Bible verses to run to that would help me turn this all over to God because I know I can't do it alone. I need to forgive and forget, but it's so very hard, this not knowing. I feel like if the relationship was truly platonic, then there was no need to delete the text messages and he should be able to send her a message and let me see the reply! Am I wrong in thinking this?!

-wanting2trust

Hurt,confused and lost!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 25 May 2010 02:46:26 GMT

I have been married for 16 years and mother of six beautiful children. My first his 18 years old and he accepted him as his own. Then came Patrick 16 yrs old, Shanelle 14 yrs old, Daniel 13 yrs ols and the twins, Jacob and Gabrielle 7 yrs old.( God's gift to my prayers). The first seven yrs of our mariage we were into drugs and alcool, and the 7th yr after many dispute and arguments we separated. I had planned my suicide and made arrangment for the kids to taken care of while I was going to kill myself. God did not intend for me to make it happen. A missionnary came by my brother's place and at fisrt, I rejected Jesus. During that night, convicted and hurt I called him back and gave my life to Jesus. My husband was having a personnal encounter with Jesus himself. A few days later we were a family again and I was overflowned by the Master's love.We walked with the Lord for a few years, but we were both humiliated, hurt and disminished by the church we were going. We tried two more churches and the same events occured. These experiences left my husband very bitter and angry. He went back into the world while I am trying to fight to keep my relationship with God alive. I fell very alone and abandonned and turned myself towards codeine addiction. I do not take enough to be stoned only to freeze my emotions. I handle a job, the housework, the finance, the discipline and everything else that needs to be taking care of to make sure my children are emotionnally, physicly and spchychologiquely love, happy, stable and secure. i have had many discussions with him about the burden of handling all the responsabilities alone. Promesses were made but none are kept. I pray but fell so ashamed that it takes me back. All the love I once had as long gone on every facet of my marriage the only desire his to continu alone with my childre. In sixteen years of marriage he has always refuses to pray with me saying it's a personnal relationnship. I fell like a total failure to God for not being who He has made me to be. Please help! I am dying..

I want to find my way back home to my King and Savior

Speedy

Pending Posts

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:26:49 GMT

I understand the need to review our posts before they are entered into the public Topics. Since the time before actual posting can be long( some at least one day), it would help reduce the frustration if the pending posts could be viewed by the poster only. This would avoid the concern that the post was not received ( or did I only dream that I had written a reply) and may need to be resent. This may be the cause of duplicate posts appearing.

Thnks for all your work and support to keep this forum going,

jlhayescc

Re: Suggestions for Worldview This Week Article

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 01:04:47 GMT

There was a very interesting article this week in the Washington Post of all places. A study was conducted of the genomes among 53 different populations and the conclusion reached was that all of humanity fits into 3 genetic groups (do "Shem", "Ham" and "Japheth" come to mind?). The article as at

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/21/AR2009062101726.html?wprss=rss_nation

Combine this with genetic tracing through mitochondrial DNA (which is only passed through the female) that concludes we all have a SINGLE common ancestor and it looks like you have science "concluding" what is specifically stated in Genesis. Of course science wants to call that single ancestor "Lucy", place her in Africa, and date her at 250,000 years ago (and the current study dates the divergence in gene groups at 70,000 years) but carbon dating always uses assumptions in the form of markers to set the time scales. Given the more reliable information of the Biblical record and we are not surprised that Eve, the mother of all living, is the single female ancestor and that there was a later divergence after the flood through the families of Noah who spread out through out the globe after the confusion of languages at Babel.

I love good science, don't you?

So Disappointed/Online Affair

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 May 2010 06:21:46 GMT

Hi all,

New to this board. Just discovered my marriage of 14 years is in trouble. I thought he was my soul mate. We were married at 19 and we are both believers. I never thought something like this could happen to us...but...

My husband had an online affair while I was out of town this month. I was caring for my Mom who has Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. It was so emotional to be caring for her during this recurrence to begin with....then this just blew my mind when I returned home...and broke my heart.

I discovered the heart-wrenching texts, conversations and pics on his phone and email by complete surprise. They were more than just sexual...They seemed to be almost wildly passionate.They met and in such a short time they were chatting incessantly. Morning, Noon and Night. I keep replaying the words over and over in my head. I found her pic on his phone. It was all so devastating. I cannot get it out of my mind.

When I confronted him at first, I thought for sure he would beg for forgiveness...but, the shocker was...He didn't want to stop. He said he knew it was wrong but, didn't want to stop talking to her! I was flabbergasted. Cut to 5 days later...He agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to "block" her from his chat. He told me it had "nothing to do with me"...But, it almost feels like I backed him into a corner and he didn't ever really acknowledge this GIANT breach of trust. He is just sort of going through the motions.

We are talking about a man who used to adore me. I am so blindsided. It seems so out of character. Even his character now seems distant, irritated and cold. It seems HE is the one who feels angry. I am mostly just sad and afraid. Today before church was our first counseling session...It went okay. The pastor had alot of great points, but I felt a bit like he didn't understand the gravity of his actions.

At lunch, he opened up to me saying he would probably not ever take it to a physical affair because he was too shy....(AS IF THOSE ARE WORDS OF COMFORT????!) The man is like...clueless. I really feel like we are under attack. If anyone has any ideas about how to approach this---even on the spiritual warfare side----I am all ears.

I am just aching right now. I haven't eaten or slept in days.

Teenaged daughter in a downward spiral, breaking mom's heart.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:02:17 GMT

My daughter has done a complete 180 turn from what/who she was one year ago. She was the model teenage girl and I felt truly blessed. She went to church, had a great group of friends that I trusted, did well in school and was an athlete. Then she began a very serious relationship with a boy that turned out to be a nightmare. Not long into her relationship with him, she began to pull away from me and the rest of the family. He had her crying and upset all of the time, but she was so attached to him she couldn't let go. It became an obsession with her. She became totally consumed with this boy and eventually dropped all of her old friends and spent every waking minute with him. This went on for 9 months. She lost her virginity to him of course, even though she had vowed to keep herself until marriage. The relationship finally ended in July. By then, though, she was a completely different person. Now every other word out of her mouth is a four letter word, she has come home drunk several times, and I just found out she is even doubting the existence of God. She's a senior in high school and will turn 18 in 5 weeks. Before this, she always made the honor roll, but now she is failing most of her classes and is in danger of not even graduating high school. She is disobedient and disrespecful and makes it very clear that she will do what she wants and I have no say so in the matter. Recently, she started dating an 18 year old who has dropped out of high school and is the father of an 18 month old child. My daughter was once had a bright future ahead of her, but now, if she continues on the path she is on, she is in for a terrible fall. I've put so much of myself into raising her right and it is killing me watching her throwing her life away the way she is. To make things worse, she is coming into a few thousand dollars on her 18th birthday and that is making her think that she won't need mom any more and she can just leave and live the way she wants. She is totally out of control, she says she loves me but I expect she will also turn on me the day of her birthday. Unfortunately, I'm sure there are many stories like mine out there and way too many young girls turning in similar situations. I guess I'm reaching out for support, and for prayer. My heart goes out to any parent watching helplessly as their child goes astray.

At wits end trying to stop divorce

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:48:23 GMT

All this is my first day here, and from what I've read I'm on a long and dark road that many of you are as well. I so much needs God's love, your prayers, and strength and advice on this. I'll give you a background to help you understand. I met my wife almost 10 years ago. At the time we met she had a 2 y/o. We dated for a year and a half and broke up. I moved home and she went off with a man out of state. Alot of bad things happened to both of us during the 3 months we were apart. And God brought us back together. We were married a few months later and so happy. We began church and moving forward in a good path. I then strayed to a drug habit for 4 years. In this time we drifted from church, I became distant and closed offf, and didn't attend to her needs for 4 years. In that time we had lost a child before birth, then had a child. After the birth of our child I saw the light of being a better father and husband and started to move back toward her. We gt a new home, something we both had always wanted. And I thought our lives were moving in the right direction. Then 2 years ago something changed. She told me she was tired of acting and she still loved me but had fallen out of love with me. She had an emotional affair with a man online but when I found out she stopped it and it seemed we moved loser again. She said she wanted to start counseling, but that didn't address no problems that needed and after 6 or 7 months we stopped and it seemed all was right. All seemed good again till May. We again were in counseling, but this time it turned out that only to move toward divorce. She has told me she forgives me for the way I was, but she just desn't see us being able to ever be in love again. She's asked for her space to find herslf, as she says she can't love me till she can love herself. I've tried to get us back to church and she has just put off, so me and our boys are going this weekend. Even though I havent been in church, I've still been attempting to be close to God and praying desperately for 2 years now. Our intimacy is gone, and she want talk to me but on surface type items, the kids, our days, etc. No feelings or how she is or support on bad issues. Shes told me she will stay till after Christmas for the kids, but unless she feels different by then she is gone. Over the past few months she has seemed to get an internet addiction. It started with just playing games, now its to chatting. She has a yahoo account she keeps private from me, but has a couple of people she talks to alot on there and one to the point it seems another emotional affair. It seems most days it takes hours from me and our family. She has begun to study American Indian spirits and healers, and is speaking to on for a month now. I feel she is lost from me and religion, and almost our kids. She has had depression issues most of her life. I want so much to do the right thing, but don't know what it is. She did want to seperate 2 months ago, but didn't follow through. But at times I can still see the one I so much love. Others shes like a stranger. This woman is my heart and I am so sorry for the way I was when addicted. Now I want to show her how I am and have been 2 years, but Im shut out. She says shes put up a wall and want let me in. What can I do? Also should I confront her on the chatting issue? Thank you so much and God bless. I will have all you in my prayers as I read your posts.

Will this grief ever leave me or destroy me?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 08:00:04 GMT

I am so depressed. Actually I'm up and down. I'm a pastor and chaplain so I am forced to "perform" my husband and I just had a miscarriage in June. This comes after 4 ectopic pregnancies and a failed adoption. Why?! The church my husband pastors what has been referred to as a toxic church. These church members have been verbally and even physical abusive with no provocation. I try and tell people we are under attack at this church and people don't really believe we did nothing. My husband had only been there 1 year when they just went bananas. I am really so tired. I have been having horrible thoughts. This is just too much pressure accompanied with our loss of our baby. I am heavy with sadness. I wish someone could help.

??????

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:12:48 GMT

Mywife and I have been married for 8 months,and we both have seprate email accounts,she is wanting my password,why you ask,she says I am hiding things from her.I am NOT hiding anything,I have nothing to hide,I beleive we all have the need fo some privacy ,even in a marriage.I beleive she has a distrust issue,because her ex- husband was into PORN,BIG TIME, her 2 daughters knew about it before she,thewife did.When I ask her why she wants it,her response is,I don't know what you are looking at,therefore I am being judged by her and what her ex, did.I was sexually abused as a child,so for me,there is no ROOM for PORN,and I was acussed by a 81 year old male,who had a stroke and early stages of demenita,and I went through hell for 6 months,so no pron here now or ever.She is continly harping at me,WHAT DO I DO,I need your advise and prayers.

ME&I

A Little Help Here

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 02:05:47 GMT

I need some sage advice. My husband has pastored our church for 16 years. During this time I have worn various hats, but I have been the volunteer worship leader for all of those 16 years. I am homeschooling my two boys and teaching literature at our homeschool co-op. I am also leading a small group for the youth - plus planning various teen outtings and lock-ins etc. On top of all that I often help my husband counsel, plus help him with his sermons. I am planning on getting a part time job to help supplement our income. OK so you see this coming. I have reached critical mass. I am holding many responsibilities. I have no one in our small church to take over worship. I desire to continue with youth - because my son is a teen and there was no youth group because no one wanted to head that ministry. Every mom carries a class load for the co-op, and my husband needs my help. But I'm ready to ditch the plane. How can I just say STOP? And yet if I don't...?

One-Naturism: Do Christians still have a functional sin nature after salvation?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:44:59 GMT

This was a new one on me. Any one shedding light on this issue would be greatly appreciated. I hope this is not deemed a matter of theological minutia because it would appear to me at first blush to be an extension in Christian (Xn) jargon of "The Pernicious Lie" that Dr. Tackett mentions in Tour 3.

At a recent TP meeting, one of the participants took issue with comments made in the video concerning man's sin nature before and after salvation (or regeneration). The counter-proposal was that after accepting Christ's redemptive work on the Cross, a Xn no longer has an operational sin nature. The old man was crucified with Christ and only the Spirit of Christ is now functioning within the new believer. They seem to have anticipated the obvious question that if we no longer have a sin nature, where does our sinning and our desire to keep on sinning come from? The answer postulated was that it's from echoes of past sinning, poor habits and bad thinking learned before salvation. Thus we need Romans 12:2 prescription to renew our minds and not think that way any more. This still begs a practical question: if a 4 or 7 year old truly accepts Christ as their Savior, how could they ever fall into a sexual sin to which they were 100% innocent at the time of salvation. More generally, how could anyone fall into new areas of sin after salvation if they were never exposed to them before?

This also seems to one-up the materialists who say that man is "basicall good." Removing the effectiveness of the sin nature and replacing it with the nature of Christ would mean that redeemed man is "basically perfectly good." Whoa now! All our righteousness is as filthly rags. Are we sinners because we sin, or do we sin because we are sinners?

Deductively, according to this line of thought: Mature Xns should sin less and less with greater conformity to X. The echoes of past sins should grow fainter over time and distance moved toward conforming to Jesus. Since our mind is the pathway of sin, renewing it should decrease our susceptibility to temptation and our propensity to sin. The Apostle Paul says that he is the Chief Sinner. And then there is the admonition that any of us who think we are advanced in our Xn walk to beware lest we fall to pride.

But more fundamentally, this one-naturism discounts the validity of our struggle with sin. It says that we are only wrestling with the shadows of our former life. It seems like a lot of counseling could be required to just fix our faulty thinking and then we'd be out of the camp of the victims and the victimized as we self-actualized into the image of Christ. I have been saved much longer than not. All this time in the presence of the Creator of the universe, and I still can't overcome a few years of darkness? This seems to profane the sanctification process.

Again, thanks for any insights you may have concerning this matter. Your godly wisdom on how to deal with this issue and more importantly the people involved would be highly prized.

So here goes

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 22:44:58 GMT

A little bit of a background I guess.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. 4 years ago I discovered Porn on my husband's computer. I also discovered that he had joined a support group for men addicted to porn. I really felt like the Lord was telling me to stay quiet. So for a little over a week I prayed and read my Bible like nothing else. I really wanted to obey God in this situation and not get overly emotional. Well, after a week, I felt like I had the release that I needed and I approached my husband. He told me that they reasont that he was looking was because he was having a hard time sexually and he wanted to prove that it was my weight that was the problem and not him.... He even said on his support board that he was not attracted to me because I was so overweight......I was so hurt. I felt worthless. We worked things out, got a filter and were on the road to rebuilding our marriage. But I still couldn't trust him. I constantly check the history on his computer and everytime his eyes even so much as looked at another woman I became tense and untrusting.

Well, a few months ago he asked me to install an accountabilbity filter on his and our sons' computers with me as the person who received the reports. 4 weeks ago I found a few youtube vidoes on his report. Innocent in the fact that they were not pornographic in nature but were still of "sexy women"....that was the search that he used. I showed him the report and he was broken.. he really has a problem. It started when he was a boy and his dad taught him about sex by providing magazines and videos..... which I know he watched right up until he became a Christian at the age of 18.

Well, now I feel that I just cannot trust him at all. Football season is starting up and the commercials and cheerleaders and dancers make my stomach turn. I feel so worthless and ugly and unactractive compared to those women. I also have a hard time when his Christian friends talk about how men thinking of sex all the time is natural (I say sin natural).

My husband understands how I feel, but is there anyway that I can learn to trust him again? How can I believe him when he says that he finds me attractive and that God has healed his thoughts about me.....My heart hurts thinking that he may have been looking at this junk our whole marriage!!!

Please help me...

Thanks

Forgiving or enabling?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:43:27 GMT

My husband has been struglling with on line sex chats for many many years. He will stop after I confront him only later for me to find evidence of him back at it. He told me 2 months ago that he not had not only been chatting but had met several women at lunch for "Quickie". He says this was going on over a year ago and has not done this for over a year. I have asked him so many times after I would find this stuff had he ever physically been with another woman and he would say no so I am not sure why he admitted it this time. I saw that as a hopeful glimpse that he is trying to overcome his addiction. He tells me he has not done any of this since he revealed this information. We have seen a christian couselor once together and once alone. I just can't help but wonder is this truly helping. For some reason lately it seems to be worse for me. WHy is it hurting more and not less? Am I doing the right thing my continuing to forgive each time and not make him pay consquecnes or I am in some sense enabling him by letting him live this double life? feel if I talk to him about the hurt I am feeling now it just makes things worse casue I have stuck with him and if I was so hurt should have spoke up sooner. How can I get over this sadness?

Help with our 17 yr. old daughter

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:29:04 GMT

Last night for some reason, probably prompting from the Lord, my wife and I went through our daughters room and here is what we found.

1. Empty 12 ounce bottle of "Mike's Hard Lemonade" (Alcoholic malt beverage)

2. 2 pregnancy tests, not used and still in wrappers.

3. I quaint little cloth case that contained a Marijuana pipe and one small bud.

So I need some help here on how me might respond, instead of react, to these articles and obvious lies we have been fed.

Any advice from any parent that's faced these issues would be greatly helpful and appreciated. Like I said, we want to respond in a correct, firm, biblically based manner.

God Bless and Thank you!!

What are best new parenting learning resources available?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:31:14 GMT

My 25 yr old son and 27 yr old daugher-in-law have been married for 2yrs and contemplating starting a family in July. What are best new parenting learning resources available that I could send them and also for me and my wife the best grandparent resources available?

How can I be more sexually attracted to my wife

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:33:08 GMT

I am nervous about putting anything on here because I want the advice and to stay anonymous.

But here goes.

A few years ago I entered a program to escape a 20 plus year, almost 30 years of addiction to porn.

I can still remember my first sexual experience at just five years old. I have always been over come and addicted to the female face and body.

I started dating my wife when she was very young. It was not long before she and I were engaged in heavy petting and later oral sex.

I broke up with her many times. While with her I was not engaging in porn. There was no need. She supplied the rush that the porn gave.

To make a long story short, we married, I cheated, I got back into porn, I cheated, we divorced, I cheated, porn into deep to the point of well fill in the blank.

I was saved several years after. My porn addiction came with my salvation, I had not broke it yet. The internet and sattelite TV made it to easy to get to. Needless to say my mind warped after all those years of porn.

I know this will seem weird but I truly loved the Lord.

Some how my wife and I were remarried some time later. She was well over weight (and truthfully so was I).

In the times I was sleeping around I could not get enough sex from the women who I shacked up with.

Now remarried I cannot give my wife what she needs. I guess I am so warped from my porn and sexual exploits I can't see with my heart.

My wife is beautiful and very attractive in her face. But I just don't respond to her like I did in our first "warped" marriage.

She is sexually aggressive but never pleads or asks for it and I am ashamed to say I cannot "get up" for her.

This is not a physical dysfunction. My body works like it supposed to. I just am not sexually attracted to her.

I want this to change because she is hurting and she is needing. I am afraid of losing her. I am afraid I don't love her like I want to. I am afraid my addiction to the "porn body" has warped me beyond repair and my marriage is suffering from it.

I really have the sweetest and most beautiful wife a man could want.

There are deeper issues here I cannot elaborate on. These are the worst.

Please help.

Please no women answering this. I prefer Godly men only or trained counselors or sex therapists.

Fossil ages

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:02:52 GMT

I am extremely visually impaired and can only read/use a computer on a limited basis so I apologize if this question has been raised and answered elsewhere in TTP.

We have just completed Lesson 5 on Science and was disappointed that Dr. Tackett didn't address the issue of discovered fossils that have been 'aged' at millions of years old. Is this addressed later on in another tour?

Many thanks,

Bob

9 mo. old creating mealtime madness

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 24 Mar 2004 09:16:12 GMT

Although my 9mos. old doesn’t have any teeth yet there are a lot of real foods she can eat. (Noodles, bread, etc.) and sometimes (OK, often) I let her try little bits of food off of my plate because I want her to lean how to eat what I'm eating and because she likes it. The problem is recently she's come to demand that she's eating anytime that I'm eating anything. I usually feed her supper before the family mealtime because it's easier and then let her sit in her highchair while we eat her supper. Sometimes I give her bits of our food but now if she doesn’t have something to eat every second she pitches a fit making mealtime miserable for everybody. It's not so much that I don't want her to eat off of my plate. After all she won't always be begging for bits of broccoli. It's just that I don't want to encourage a habit of her screaming to get her way. Any suggestions?

Marriage in Trouble

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 13:25:27 GMT

I am a pastor and have been in ministry 20 years. I have been married for a little over ten of those years with two children. My wife and I have been seeing a counselor for quite some time now to try to heal some old hurts and restore our intamacy. She told me at the our last counseling session that she has spoken to an attorney and that she IS GOING to file for divorce. Let me make it clear that there are no biblical grounds for my wife divorcing me. I love my wife and I love my children and I don't know what to do. Please pray for me and my family. Pray that my wife's wounded heart would heal. Her name is Stephanie and I love her with all my heart and would do anything to save my marriage. At this point, it is going to take a miracle to save my marriage and I do believe in miracles. Thank you for your prayers.

talking to former girlfriend ok?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:37:57 GMT

I really need some human advice here. I am my boyfriend's second girlfriend. He dated Lisa all throughout high school. God used her and their relationship to help him get rid of the porn and other problems he was dealing with at that time. However, during their senior year, their relationship turned purely physical, and basically they did everything but sex. The summer before college, he broke things off. My problem comes in with jealousy, I guess, and I'm not sure what else. Is it right for him to talk with her now? By that I mean pretty regular, lengthy emails and occasional phone conversations? She goes to his church and is friends with his mom, so it's not like he can altogether avoid her when we're home from college during the summers. And another thought--he is my first boyfriend, so I'm not really sure how to handle this kind of situation. I've been honest with him and told him how I feel about her; and one of the things that came up during that conversation was that he really doesn't like it if certain guys from high school talk to me. Well, I guess I just assumed that he would hold to that standard himself, especially since he's not one to have a double standard. He did say that they were first really good friends, and that's how he thinks of her now; but the guys he doesn't like me talking to were my really good friends in high school. I don't know how to handle this anymore. Yes, I am praying about this, but I haven't gotten direction yet. Please let me know what ya'll think.

Need help with 3 year old.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 02:09:06 GMT

I am at my wits end. My 3 year old is just downright defiant. We spank, use time out, take away favorite toys and nothing seems to be having an effect. Tonight in the store she made me look like a fool. She would do something, I would tell her to stop and she would look at me and smile and do it again. She even got to where she was poking me and raising her hand like she was going to hit me. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help!!!

Disciplining in a blended Family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 13:36:50 GMT

We are the weekend parents. We are trying very hard to teach my stepdaughter right from wrong and how to live a life pleasing to the Lord. With that being said she has begone lying. The topic is clothes. We told her that she was not allowed to take clothes from our house to her mother, because they never come back and we end up having to buy her clothes everytime she comes. She put a pair of shorts in her bag anyway, and then got caught when we checked her bag before she left. We talked to her and told her that she was not allowed to take her video game that we bought to her moms. But then when we were not looking she took it. What can we do to teach her she can not lie and sneak around. How do we handle this situation when she is now gone to her mothers and won't return for two week. We have no cooperation and help from the mother. Help We Don't Know What to do!

Married 8months, graduating college in a month, really broody and I'm unsure about when to have a baby. any thoughts?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 13:13:41 GMT

Hello,

We got married in July and we are pretty young, my hubby is 22 and i'm 21,

I have been repressing my desire for children since we got back from honeymoon.

As a nearly graduate, i feel like i've wasted my degree if i don't get a graduate job and work on my career,

the truth is right now all i want to do is be a mum. My hubby and i have talked about it, he is not ready mainly because he feels he needs

to change jobs first. we first said we'll wait four years, so i'll be 24 and he'll be 25, then it dropped to two years and now i can't even do that.

i'd love to be a mum i guess i'm just worried about our finances and how i'll be perceived... like i'm not fufilling my potential by going straight into motherhood after working hard on my degree. I've began to really pray about it so i know where to go next but would be nice to hear what other people think.

thank you!

My husband cheated - what do i do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 11:03:47 GMT

I've just recently found out that my husband has cheated on me with my friend for almost a year & found that they ended it 3 weeks ago but now she has recently called him to say she's pregnant with his child.I am in a state as I don’t want to lose my husband & my son needs his father. His promised to work things out but says that he is still inlove with this woman & wants her to have this child. I’m willing to work things out with him for the sake of our marriage and for our son. But I don’t know how I will be able to deal with him having a child outside of our marriage. This woman has said she’s thinking of aborting the baby & he has pleaded with her not to do so.If we speak about the situation, he keeps defending her as if she did nothing wrong & I’m the one who did wrong. What do I do? I am at a loss, I’ve prayed & asked God for wisdom and strength because this is very hard & I don’t know how I’m going to cope as this has happened to both my mother & mother-in-law.

playgroups?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 19:08:24 GMT

I was wondering....does anyone else ever feel stressed out with playgroups? It's not the people or the kids, but the activities that stress me out. I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old. I find myself stressed to the max getting them up and out the door. Then we get to the activity and it always feels so high-maintenance.....stuff like going to a crowded inflatable bouncy-room, crowded pool, busy parks, libraries etc.... I start to feel stressed out, then hot and irritable from trying to keep up with it all. So many annoyances start to pile up: stuff like breaking up fights between my kids, keeping up with their sippy cups and lovies, holding my 2-yr-old who is feeling shy or scared, chasing my 3 1/2 year old around, changing diapers, taking one to the potty.....all while trying to get some much needed social time for myself. With all the little demands going on, I start to feel like my head is spinning. I'm an extrovert, and I love being around other moms. But taking my kids to public places for playtime always feels so stressful and high-maintenance to me. Does anyone else experience this?

Obama's actions on torture

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:48:20 GMT

How do people here feel about Obama's stance on potential prosecution of officials who used torture tactics on accused terrorist victims? He says that the US lost its moral bearings. What you do say?

Ask the Man Webcast: Dad Finding Fault

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:25:51 GMT

My husband is a good father but tends to look at the faults in our children more than anything else. How do I help him to see the good more. They are all terrific students and well mannered. They are 21, 18, 15, 13 and 5. Thank you.

Do I need to return to my Husband even though he let me go?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:27:31 GMT

I am unable to make a clear and wise decision. I have agonized over this, prayed over this-searched for answers from friends and family. My Husband and I have been seperated for one year. My husband announced his intention to divorce me last November. I did not want to divorce-I prayed daily, saw a marriage counselor and did what I could do to reassure him of my commitment and love. He continued to reject me -and tell me of his intention to divorce. He would drive out to visit our children and think it was ok to have dinner together- or take the kids to the movies together- but he refused to discuss any hope for our marriage. I grew very tired of this and felt like he was on the fence- so I announced that I would be taking our children and moving back to my home state for emotional support. He did not like the idea of the children being so far away- but did not file court orders or demand that I stay. He went along with the move driving us to the other state.

Now after, a month of being near my family, he files divorce papers and says I need to get back there! He wants his kids but tells me I don't want you. I am praying for wisdom and answers- I suggest he move closer because he is adaptable in his career and it would be easier for him. I truly want to do God's will- I still believe our marrige could be saved- I don't want to put my children through any more turmoil.

Desperately Seeking Sound Advice

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 06 May 2010 04:36:32 GMT

Hello! I am new to this forum, but am truly hoping someone out there can shed some light for me. I am happily married and we have a great 8 yr old little boy. He's been doing wonderful in school, loves sports, and is an outgoing happy child. Lately, though...he's been having some problems at school. As his principal put it : Alex has a heightened sense of social injustice", and as a result gets mad when things are done unfairly (his perception). For example, the kids are playing hand hockey....someone claimes they've scored a goal but alex says it's not a goal, that was too high....so he gets mad , shouts "no goal" and throws the ball because he's frustrated and as a result he accidentally hits his classmate in the head with the ball.

His teacher in another class wanted him to sit out of recess to catch up on some work, and he didn't want to miss recess so he got mad, threw his book, and again we were called in.

My sister, who is the only real Auntie he's ever had, is dying of lung cancer. I think he's having a hard time processing this. His pet triops (strange little creature he hatched from an egg, with a life span of up to 90 days) just died Friday.

He cries periodically because my parents passed away before he was born, so he grieves what he's never had.

I am at my wits end. I ask him what is wrong, try to encourage him to tell me about fears and frustrations but he says nothing's wrong.

Please help. I don't want my son to get kicked out of his school as the school is really a good one.

Daughter traumatized by father

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 08:27:27 GMT

My daughter visited her father this weekend for her normal visit, the every other weekend visit. She came home last night and said she had the worst night of her life Saturday night.

Her dad and I divorced 5 years ago, after 12 years of marriage. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to the kids and I and he was basically spousal raping me. I'd had enough of that, I got into such a funk I didn't care if I lived or died.

Her dad and I are of different religions. He thinks we are apostate and worshipping in vain with our affiliation. We are mainstream christians attending church Sunday morning, evening, and Wednesday nights and other special times such as ladies fellowship for me and conferences, youth for my daughter. My daughter attends a christian school that I solely pay for and don't ask a dime of it from my ex. We do not pay child support to one another as he has custody of the 15 yo son.

With that little bit of background, she said she was woken up to her dad and step mom screaming at the top of their lungs at each other on Saturday morning. Apparently dad always does the grocery shopping, but step mom went instead. He buys everything with the 'light' label. She bought a jar of mayonaise that was regular and not 'light'. So it was back and forth that she'll do the shopping, no he would and she can't please him. My daughter asked what all the yelling is about and her dad through gritted teeth told her it was none of her business.

Then Saturday night, they went to a friends house and it was late when they got home. My daughter is lactose interolant and can take the pills to help with that, but must have had too much dairy something and her tummy was bloated and she was not feeling good. She was laying down in the back seat. Her dad turned on the dome light and she asked what is the light doing on. He yelled at her that he can't breathe and needed his inhaler. She closes her eyes again and tried to get some sleep. She said her dad drove really fast into the drive way and it was very bumpy and woke her up. She asked why did he have to be so rough with the car.

He get outs slams the door, slams things in the kitchen and his bedroom. So my daughter falls suit, and is slamming things too. She is saved, but find it very frustrating to be around her dad. She goes upstairs to get ready for bed. Her dad summons her with a bullhorn and yelling for her to come down. She comes down to find them confronting her to apologize for her tone to her dad. She doesn't understand as she feels she didn't have a tone. Step mom said she was disrespectful. Dad is yelling he is the parent she is the child. Yelling to the point his voice pitch changes, through gritted teeth, eyes bugging out, and cussing. Now mind you, he goes to church, lives very legalistic and he has told her before, do as I say, not as I do.

She demands to call mom and go home. He said no, you're not playing leap frog with me. He grabs her by the arms and sits her down hard on the floor. She is leaning against the wall and crying, she starts hyperventalating, she can't catch her breath.

She doesn't like going over there, but I've always sent her.

She said it was finally happening to her how he treated her brother and me all those years. Any suggestions?? Help!! I am living for Christ and my husband is a wonderful man in our house. He is so kind and loving to my daughter, at least she is seeing a father figure can be gentle and kind and put value in her as a person.

Then Sunday, dad takes her out, totally smooths everything over, takes her out to breakfast, shopping, just a day for her. He was like that with me and the son too, the smooth over process after the ugly session.

I don't know what to do!! She is only 13.

last update for a while

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 19:18:16 GMT

this will be my last update for a while. My DH still does not have any leads on any churches, we have about 10 looking at us but they are also looking at others along with us and our money has run out so on the 30th of Oct. we will be moving home to georgia to mother-in-laws home, putting everything in storage and trying to survive an already crowded home. Please pray for me, it seems as though my faith and patience is still going to be tested to the fullest. Please also pray for our home to sell fast.I would also request that you pray for my girls, they are taking this move very hard. They don't want to let go of the very good friends that they have here and it is ripping my heart out seeing what they are going through.We will not have internet for a while and i will miss all of your advice and just the email fellowship. thank you so much for taking my family before his throne and lifting us up.!i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif|src=i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif|border=0!

Lesbian daughter what next?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 17:28:15 GMT

While I have not been communicating for several months on here, I have been reading and continue to be encouraged. My daughter who has hidden this side of herself to most everyone but us. has posted pictures of herself online at a lesbian party and gay parade. I am sick!!! For the past several months she had been calling home several times a week as well as speaking to her older brother. However, she has not been home in 8 months and does not seem to be coming home anytime soon. I thought we were reconnecting, I feel like a fool! she told us she had to work for 7days straight another lie!

How can a child be so loving and kind on the phone and then behave this way?

Do I stop calling her?

She has been accepted to a 10 week abroad class starting in August and we have agreed to help financially as this is for college. I have been praying that God would use these 10 weeks to touch and change her heart. As she would be seperated from this relationship. (the other women is several years older as well) and has done a great job of isolating my daughter from friends that do not believe in this lifestyle. But after seeing the disgusting pictures online I am finding it very difficult to support her. By not supporting her, am I not seeing the sin separate from my daughter?

You could tell she was drunk in the pictures as well! Even though she screams that she no longer drinks.(a couple of years back she had a severe problem with drinking to the point she went over a week without being sober!) She told us she also tried to kill herself using pills and alcohol. But said she got help for this. I am now scared as I do not think this was the truth either.

I want to be there for here but how do you know what to support or how? Please pray for us!

My son is getting married August 13 and she is in the wedding. I am afraid of what she is going to say or do in front of the brides family and ours all who know nothing about this. How do I make sure she does not RUIN their special day by doing something stupid and selfish? She has not given any indication that she will but, she is a loose cannon.

I feel like she makes contact with us and is herself for awhile to give a false sense that things are changing so she can get what she wants. I do not know much about this lifestyle and do not want to. But she seems to have become a master manipulator. Which is difficult as a parent who is praying for healing when she reaches out to me I see this as a positive. Now I am not sure what to believe. Please prayer for discernment and clarity. Boy was I blind sided by this!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks Everyone,

Prayerful

Scared for my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 04:38:48 GMT

My fourth anniversary is coming up at the end of January but it will be nothing to celebrate. My husband and I have not spoken in the past four days and I do not see it ending anytime soon. It all started on Sunday when I had to spend the last four hours of the evening typing out reports for work. He became angry and woke me up around 11:30pm to tell me that "Our relationship sucks, this marriage sucks!" I asked him what in the world he meant and he asked me when was the last time we had any fun together. I then replied that I had thought the past two weeks had been great. My husband informed me that it is only a front. He then asked me why I didn't cook dinner that night. We had a late lunch at my mother's home and did not think anyone would be hungry. Besides, my kids could have asked me OR dad to cook. He then threw in a few other things that were bugging him. I was so angry towards him and sent him an email telling him to grow up. I also told him I was hurt for his lack of support. I have a demanding job and I have reports with due dates. People's lives are at stake and is nothing to take lightly. Why can't he see that this is my calling from G-d? I was placed on this Earth to spread the good news and help children who are at risk. The comments my husband makes towards me when he is angry is wearing me down. I am tired of fighting and simply do not know what to do anymore. Getting him to ever say sorry is virtually impossible. He criticizes what I do and how I do it. On top of it all, my husband places our little girl ABOVE me. I have signed us up for the Marriage Restoration class at our church but I doubt he will show up. We have small group tomorrow and I doubt he will show up. I fear that he is making decisions to divorce me "behind my back" even though he has promised to never divorce me, as this goes against what our L-rd desires from us. I don't believe that he won't ever leave me because of the way he has been acting. I am scared and need some good advice...

Intimacy problem in marriage, please help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:40:57 GMT

Neither my husband & I are new to being married, we were both married to others, divorced and then God brought us together. We are coming up on our 3rd anniversary. The problem is we have a role reversal going on in our household with my husband being on disability and the stay at home parent and me working outside the home. Even though I work a full-time job, I still do my home responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and the children. My husband & I are both Christians, and until recently, were both attending church at least twice a week. The role reversal we have extends into our lovelife as well. My husband has seemed to have lost all interest in any physical intimacy whatsoever, with months in between times of love-making. I have tried to speak with him about this, but he insists that nothing is wrong. I just don't think this is normal. I am several years younger than my husband, but even so, he is only in his early 50's. I thought it was mostly the woman that tried to get out of lovemaking, but in our marriage, it is my husband. I know that it is the man who is supposed to be the bread-winner and since the disability to work is new to my husband, it is hard for him to accept that he cannot fulfill this part of it. I have tried to make sure he knows that I understand and that I'm ok with stepping up for our family so I don't think that's a factor, but then I'm really not sure since my husband is not really talkative about things. If I attempt to talk with him or try to initiate lovemaking, my husband seems appalled and acts like I'm some kind of sex addict. He also doesn't want to go to church anymore, and when I ask him if he wants to go tonight, he always says, "no. you can go." I have recently read the book, "Straight Talk" and have asked my husband to read it also, and again, he shows no interest. I'm hoping for some kind of ideas here! I know that our marriage was put together by our Lord and I also know that the enemy will do any thing he can to try to destroy that which God has put together. We have been to Christian counseling for another issue regarding my husbands ex and he has expressed that he never wants to go there again. So that's not an option at this point. I love my husband and really want to make this marriage a success. I know he loves me too and I do not think for even a second that he is having an affair. Ideas, Please!

I need help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:28:18 GMT

My husband an I have been married for almost 2 years & its been great. Yes like every married couple we have our ups an downs and we each have our little quirks we need to work on. My major one is being insecure and jealous. I know the 2 go hand in hand and if i could stop bein so insecure i wouldn't be as jealous. I HATE bein that way!! Almost 5 months ago me and my husband had the worst fight we have ever had! I told him a little white lie and he found out the truth. We never talked about what happened. We just let it go so it kept buildin up an buildin up. Anyway wat i'm fixin to say will kinda explain what happened because of that. i also would check the history on his phone. i was scared of what he was lookin at on the internet while he's away from home. I know i was wrong to do it and that i should trust him more than that an i do to a certian degree now but i'll get to that in a minute. well i found a web site called fotochatter in the history. A chat room. I knew the guys he worked with sometimes used his phone while they were gone an he said that another guy was the one lookin at it. I told him i believed him an i wouldnt check his phone again an i honestly had no intentions in doin it. Until he started giving me a reason. He wouldnt talk to me, he kept his phone with him at all time wouldnt let me touch it. So i got suspisious. I checked his e-mail off of my phone(i knew his password and we both had blackberrys i too had internet) my husband comes from a divorced family and his dad had an anger problem an was abusive so my husband is still on the defensive alot of the time. he decided to retaliate on me for lyin to him. He says he knew i was gonna check up on him so he was gonna give me something to find. He had been talkin with these girls, lying to them an talkin very very explicitly for bot 2 weeks. I printed off the conversations an confronted him an he admited to everything. I have never in my life felt some betrayed an mistreated! I felt like my husband had cheated on me an that my marriage was over. His reasons for doing it was to get back at me. I hurt him by lyin to him so he wanted to hurt me back. I never want to go through that again but thank the good Lord above we were able to work though that difficult time an our marriage has grown even stonger than what it was. (oh yea we no longer have internet on either one of our phones... lol)

In Dec we opened an account on a free music Web site that is much like myspace. It has his e-mail address an age an his name on the login page. You can chat with people, you can view their profiles an make radio stations. Anyways bout 3 weeks ago i found where he had been e-mailin some women on that site. Nothin major jus stuff like how are you, i like your music ect. Automatically i think the worse!! Even tho its nothing i still feel sick to my stomach an feel cheated on. I confronted him an he told me he didnt think it was that big a deal. He was jus being nice an he didnt see anything wrong with talkin to them. I told him i didnt think a married man needed to be talkin to other women on line! He told me that even tho he didnt see a problem with it he would stop but i am still so worried that he still gonna do it! I hate feelin like this! I wanna trust my husband unconditionally!! Someone please help me!! Am i bein silly an overreacting? I need help!!

Message was edited by: moderator

Different beliefs affecting marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 17:08:26 GMT

First of all, I want to say GBU all, for all your effort and love! I LOVE Focus on the Family!

I really hope I will be able to explain this in a manner where you will be able to understand.., My husband and I have been married for over 16 yrs, and we have 3 children (12,7, & 3). My question pertains to having "different faiths" so to speak, but kind of w/ a twist . When my husband and I got married, neither one of us were Christians. A few months into our marriage, my husband became involved in the religion I grew up in (suppose to be a nondenominational Christian religion, but it really is a denomination under the "Branhamism" movement). After about a yr of watching him, to make sure I felt he was sincere, I began practicing this "belief system" again as well. The real problem is that my husband has taken "his" own "restrictions" to such a level that there is no "acceptable" forms of fun/enjoyment in life allowed by me or the kids. He has MAJOR issues w/ everything from listening to music (any music other than "our churches" music) to me even being able to wear lipgloss, to the kids being able to play video games or watch cartoons, and these are just a few of his beliefs. He is very radical in his "convictions", and at the same time, HE CANNOT LIVE UP TO THEM HIMSELF, but he expects the rest of us to tote his line. After 13 yrs of marriage, dealing w/ his controling behavior to the point of him, dismantling the car, to slashing the tires, I had a breakdown (a MAJOR one- and was in the hospital for awhile). I have over the past 3 yrs, began "reclaiming" my independence and saying NO to his unreasonable demands/restrictions, having to tell him I will call the police if he tries any "unChristian" behavior (slashing tires, ect). I do not believe this "religion" is correct anymore and am wondering how to go about setting boundries, and yet I struggle w/ the issue of worring about being too dominating. He makes me feel like I am not a Christian because I don't "believe" this religion anymore, which I know is not correct, but still struggle w/ the "what if's" relating to that topic. He is ABSOLUTELY against any counseling, nor will he read/listen to anything that is "marriage" oriented material. I really do not see me putting up w/ this the rest of my life and am pretty sure after I finish school and get my degree in a couple of yrs, I will not feel the "need" to. That is soooo sad to me, but he has never worked on the marriage, I have been the "worker" in the marriage situation (but to no avail...) WHY DO MEN HAVE TO BE SO UNINTERESTED IN WORKING ON MARRIAGE ISSUES?

Our 3 year old princess - dethroning her (removing her clothes)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 13:44:34 GMT

We have a 4 year old boy, 3 year old girl and almost 2 year old boy. Our little girl is the princess - we try to give her as much attention as possible. She however, seems to be the most defiant. I can write a book about all the different ways we've tried to discipline her when she is disobedient. She whines a lot and throws fits if you so happen to look at her the "wrong" way.

So here's a way that my husband has been disciplining her. He removes her clothes and leaves her in just underwear. He tells her that she is not acting like a princess, so she doesn't get to wear any princess clothes. I don't feel like this is right, but I don't want to offend him because he is not harming her physically and we tend to get in a lot of arguments.

Please advise. Thank you.

Wanting to do the right thing...is it pride...or will my honesty hurt someone else

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:17:05 GMT

I am in my mid fifties and after many years have decided to take on my battle with pornography. I am sorry that it has taken me so long. At times I felt I was winning the battle and then I would slip and fall. It has been a roller coaster fight. There have been times that I almost ended up breaking my marriage vows with other women. At those times I have silently asked God to help me and he has always taken away the person who was tempting me. I wanted to really have victory over this. Here is my struggle. Thirty years ago I was unfaithful to my wife. It happened three times with another woman. I repented but I never told my wife. As far as I know she is unaware of the struggle I have had with pornography, or maybe she just dismisses it as a guy thing. I have not kept magazines in the house or anything like that (I am not trying to justify my behavior).

I have done a pretty fearless inventory of what I have done and I am reading The Game Plan by Joe Dallas, and also read False Intimacy by Dr. Harry Schaumberg. I would recommend both of those books, as well as Steven Arteburn's "Everyman's Battle" and books by Mark Laaser.

Here is what I am trying to answer. Do I tell my wife about the affair? One of my fears is that I will lose her as my wife. The other is that I would hurt her needlessly. I am also looking for a man to talk to about all of this. I would consider talking with my Pastor, however he was involved in infidelity less than two years ago and although he made a public confession he only stepped down temporarily and I am not sure it was handled right in the church. Hmm maybe I am the pot calling the kettle black.

I am feeling so strongly that I need to talk to someone about my failures and you are my first step in that diection. Home this all makes sense.

Chip Ingram Answers Webcast:Prodigal Son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:22:38 GMT

Hi Chip!

We are a pastoring family and can relate to you with a teenager that we love dearly, but cant stand to be around. He is our oldest child at 16. He was sexually active (hopefully no more!) and has an addiction to hard core, dark acid rock music. He was raised right, but has turned his back completely. He still claims to be a christian but makes no effort to please God. We just pray, pray, pray. What types of discipline or consequences may be effective for him.

Susan

Why don't more people participate in this online community?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:06:08 GMT

Our Pastoral Ministries division is baffled. It seems that very few people submit a posting to any of these online subcommunities for pastoral families. When we compare our level of activity with the other online communities sponsored on this site by Focus on the Family, we do not understand why more pastoral family members are not participating.

For over 15 years, Pastoral Ministries has provided a message board/online community feature for pastoral families. In the past, we have had a wonderful level of participation and networking. For some reason, that seems to have changed.

Can you help us understand this situation and help us better serve you? What do you like about this online community? What do you not like? What could be different and better? What would appeal to more pastoral family members?

Thanks for any input that you are willing to give us. We really care. We want to be there for you.

Motherhood Webcast: Any advice for the moms who are guilt-ridden?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:30:18 GMT

We have a new mama ministry at the Chapel on the military base here and we have many moms that feel guilty about so many things as a parent. What advice would you have for them to be a guilt free mama?

Just an idea...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 18:11:22 GMT

If anyone is interested, I have decided to create a place for people to air their problems anonymously and to request comments from believers. This may have been done already, but there is a lot of Q&A here not related to a particular TTP topic. Also, the TTP/Focus on the Family community has topical and content restraints in the TOS that really do make sense in the context of a TTP forum. Those restraints are not intended to prevent discussion, just to preclude it from this forum. Of course, I am not saying that I would not moderate this site to prevent profanity or vulgarity, etc., but there will be no topical restraints. Also, the purpose is different: this wouldbe a place to post your personal concerns for yourself or for others. I think the TTP staff also allow this here, but I have noticed moderation of posts that go into this extensively.

I created a forum for this here: (link removed by Admin). I hope it serves a useful purpose/fills a need (that's the idea). If not, then I will abandon the project, but it only took a brief moment to create the site. Worst case, I'll have made the effort. Also, I am not attacking the moderators - I love this forum.

Be blessed!

Message was edited by: TTPAdmin1

Disrespect in the classroom

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:59:42 GMT

How do you as a teacher deal with issues of respect? I fortunately have minor problems compared to my friend and colleague across the hall deals with. We are both first year teachers in a tiny school (I teach science 7-12 and my classes are no bigger than 10 kids, I teach about 35 students total) and for some reason the kids have, for the most part, taken to me and don't give me major problems but they often, especially 3 jr. high girls, come to my class and complain about the teacher across the hall. I usually let them vent and then bring them "back to Earth" by reasoning with them and showing them that respecting and obeying is the better option. They generally come around and agree. Yesterday though they were very upset because she was sending home a note and giving them after school detention. Normally it's a 5 minute thing and they get over it but not yesterday. In my other classes, by this time, I would have redirected it and told them to get back to their assignment but they always are getting done early and they are the last hour of school. As long as we don't get behind the other class I let them move at their own pace. And it has given me an opportunity to have some insight on their lives and give them some minor advice for instance about families and parents and respecting them. Should I not do this? Should I quiet the students? Should I defend the other teacher?

Her Children will Call her blessed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 03:53:05 GMT

I know its a little late for Mother's Day, but I just have to honor my mom. She is an amazing Godly woman of 87 years. She raised 6 children who are all serving the Lord today, and most of them involved in ministry to some degree. When people ask my mom how she did it, she says "In spite of all my mistakes, God has been very good to me." I always thought that this was an incredible answer until one time I shared it with an individual who was looking at me with great anticipation for some kind of "how to" on raising kids. I saw her hope deflate like the air quickly leaving a balloon, disappointed that she still had no clue on how to raise godly children. I decided that even if my mother could not list what she did to get such good results, I could do it for her. My mom had a consistent walk with God and a deep respect for my dad. Many times when I would come in late as a teenager, she would be kneeling by the couch, praying. Her bedroom being right next to mine, I would hear her praying at night and could not sleep until I got out of bed and prayed until I heard that she was done. She never maligned or criticized my dad, even when we as children did not understand him. She took us to church every time the doors were open, she got us there early and was the last one to leave, making sure everything was cleaned up and put away before we left. She greeted me every morning with kisses, and always was excited to see me and to receive a phone call from me. These are just a few things that may help with raising godly kids. She did a great job and I would like to honor her.

God's Design and Single Women/Mom's

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 18:19:27 GMT

Within the framework of God's Design and His Authority...Why the fatherless and widows? What happens to those single women in particular in the Kingdom without any man due to divorce? Where do they turn for their submission to order?

God is very clear that a woman and the children should be under the authority of a man reinforced by repeatedly stating how we should take care of the widows and orphans.

Our society and our "old dead" selves have created a gap in God's Design. There ARE broken families without ANY man in authority in the Sphere. We look to God's Design and coming under His Authority to resolve the issues we created. How is it rememdied? The posed question above is a question I have struggled with for some time. Is the answer marry again? Is it to submit to your earthly father as you would a husband (by this I mean a man because of his position in your life, but even if they are not able to lead and teach regarding Godliness)? If it is God's Design for a woman wishing to submit to God's Authority by submitting to this authority, where does she turn when she has Biblical questions? Who teaches and guides her? And, what about the children? This gets very complicated the deeper I seek. How do single Christian women and their children achieve coming back into order under God's Design?

Do you pretend?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 00:14:27 GMT

I feel so blessed to have found this forum. I have read through a few of the other posts under this topic summary, and ladies, my prayers are with you.

I have a question. If your in-laws obviously don't enjoy your company, do you still get together and basically pretend? I ask this only because that has been what is expected of me, even though once we are at the gatherings, my husband almost acts as though I am not there. (I know from just this post, it might sound as though I am whining and maybe needy...that honestly isn't the case). I just wonder sometimes what the point is for me to be spending time with people that really don't want me there. What do you all do with difficult in-laws? Has anyone found it to work to have your husband visit his family without you?

How do we convince our son to not smoke marijuana

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 08:29:07 GMT

Our son is 16 and when we learned that he smokes marijuana, he said he isn't going to quit. We wouldn't allow him to get his driver's license 'til he passes a drug test and makes a commitment to quit this drug of choice. He refuses and says he doesn't really need a driver's license. He's been 16 for 3 months and there seems to be nothing we can do to convince him it's legally wrong and something we strongly disapprove of.

Please pray for our grown daughter

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:06:54 GMT

We would appreciate any and all prayers for our oldest daughter. She is 30 and we do not speak and she is now trying to cause trouble for her 24 year old sister. Probably about 6 years ago we could not ignore when we would see her doing things that were not right by God and we would speak to her about it. She resented the input and started pulling away. She presented us with a young man that she was going to marry 2 1/2 years ago. We only meet him twice, he was not a Christian and a little on edge. We asked her to wait a few months to marry and that started to downslide of not talking. We told her that we could not support this marriage at that time - why was because we knew that we would be standing a church, which is symbolic of God's house, speaking to God that this was the Godly man he brought to share our daughter's life for the next 40 or so years. We couldn't do it. So we haven't spoken, we have told her we love her and that we are there for her incase of an emergency and that we would like for her to show us respect and treat us respectfully. She didn't want any part of that. So now we're at a situation that is not great and we are asking for prayers for it.

Please pray for her husband who is her partner and the head of the family to become saved, please pray for her to come to God and please pray for the situation that we as a family are going through now and that it will stop.

We appreciate all of your prayers!

i dont think step-parenting is part of gods plan

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:40:06 GMT

i'm hurting so deeply right now. My huband and I got married 2 years ago. He has 3 adultish daughters from his first marrage and I have 2 preeteen kids 11 and 12. His girls never warmed to me and the middle one says she hates me, though I don't really know her. As time goes on I see more and more the disfunction in the lives of his children. His oldest in her 20's lives with us on and off because she wont take responsibility for her life and pay bills or any debts. She only likes to feed her habits, she says she's not willing to be saved because her sins are soo much fun ie. sex, drugs, drinking and no resonsibility they feel good to her and she doesnt want to give them up. She offends me with her attitudes and lies and since I pay the bills in our home i get irritated by much of her behavior especially as resources are tightening fast. My husbands middle daughter is anorexic. She is very mean and angry and treats everyone like gum on the bottom of her shoe her family and husband accept this behavior because she'll no longer speak to them if they question her. The youngest is a lot better off so far, in school getting good grades and works, but she's begining to falter as we found out she drinks alcohol with her mom and sister and is having sex now (she is only 17). Just a few months ago we found out the middle anorexic daughter was 7 months pregnant. I keep asking my husband questions but she never gives details. She would say that the doctors gave the baby a 50 percent chance of being stillborn and she refused to talk anymore about it. I pressed for more information but he says if he pushes she'll not speak to him again. He's been speaking to her everyday and has helped her move and attended her baby shower but with no more details ever. As her due date drew nearer I kept pushing hin to ask her how its going (it didn't seem right at all) and she kept telling him that the doctors say the baby is small so the longer she waits to have the baby the better. The problem is I knew this couldnt be true and when I would say as much to my husband he wouldnt beleive me. Now 3 weeks overdue she calls her dad and says her boyfriend now longer wishes to be a father and she has to move today and needs 1200 dollars. Later that afternoon her mother calls says that the daughter had lost the baby a while ago but along with the stillborn baby there was a new one inside her and she was still pregnant but only 4 months along now. Now there is now way I beleive she got pregnant while 6 months pregnant already and doctors removed the stillborn to find another new one inside of her. Again my husband wants to give her the benefit of the dought making excuses for all the lies she has been telling the whole time and no one has the courage to get to the bottom of things. The lies she's told go on and on and he just says its hard for a girl to say she lost her baby. The family of the boyfriend called with their concernes and he defends his daughter to say they are making up stories about her! In the midst of all thats been going on I was surprised to find out I am pregnant now at the 4 month mark. My husband wont tell two of his daughters for fear they wont speak to him again. He is not happy to be having a new baby and starting over when his youngest will be 18 and my youngest will be 11. He pictured more freedom for the upcoming years to travel. We cant talk much about to new baby because hes not "onboard" with it yet and I am left feeling like Im carrying an unwanted child. My emotions are out of control and stress is overtaking my whole being. My job cut my back to 3 days a week and we have much less lo make it on and no health insurance. As I pay all the morgage and bills, he's stepped up and trying to profit from a new business he started so he can support me soon. I'm not sure well make it. Today we got in a huge firght and I said aweful things to him about his kids and his permissiveness. I blamed him for their irresposibility and lies and deceit. I was hard on him and in front of the oldest of his girls. I know you cant unring a bell and the things I said i cant erase. I feel so lonely and confused. I'm so scared about the future of my family and his and this little baby growing in me. He is so angry with me and he shamed me for it in front of his daughter. Did my offense to the actions and the ripples that effect my life cause this? I dont feel like my life is worth very much if in my attempt to take care of and correct just tears people up and hurts them. I'm not sure life is worth the heavy stress of all this. I dont know what to do. Im gonna lose everything.

05/21/10 -- Do Animals Go to Heaven?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 May 2010 16:37:24 GMT

Do you believe that your family pet will go to heaven?

A Danvers, Mass., church is starting a monthly service for dogs and prayer requests can be submitted for those pets who are ill or deceased [see the 05/21/10 edition of The Pastor's Weekly Briefing].

Teen in psychology class

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 15:53:17 GMT

Hi,

My son is in a psychology class at our public school. I am concerned abou the worldy psychology point of views. How should I approach this?

Gina

Need Prayer

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 22:30:44 GMT

Ok I have a failing in my life (I do not need to say what) and I would like prayer. To help me through this I would like to make a promise to the Focus on the Family online community:

I John, promise to do all in my power to resist sin and tempation in the area in which I stuggle. With the support of the Focus on the Family online community and in Jesus Holy Name. Amen.

Thank you for your support, I will try and keep you updated.

Need advice on how to stop toddler from beating his head during tantrums.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:29:32 GMT

My son is 2 1/2 years old and has been beating his forehead on the floor when he is in the middle of a temper tantrum. He doesn't descriminate what kind of flooring it may be and if he doesn't see the floor to be fit enough for the job he will look for something firm to bang his head against. Tonight he rammed his forehead into the medal frame of his toddler bed in anger of having to to go bed. My son has started this aprox a year ago. I was hoping that he would outgrow this and so far i'm afraid of what he will be like when he is a teen. I have prayed for his anger and I continue to do so, but if there is something that I am doing wrong I would like to correct my behavior toward this action. He doesn't do this every time he has a tantrum just when he is highly angered. There are times he becomes so enraged that he can't control himself and holding him is the only thing that calms him down.

I would appreciate any help in this matter. Thank you for your time.

Let's Pray for our Husbands!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 01:15:02 GMT

I prayer journal through Proverbs and Psalms daily. If I may, I' like to share today's prayer. Although we wives are hurting because of our husbands secret sin, I personally feel praying for him is what God wants of me as a helpmate. So here it goes:

Happy are those who listen to me (wisdom), watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home! Proverbs 8:34

Father God,

You are wisdom and I come to you daily to meditate on your word and pray to you. Your word is your gate to me and I open it and wait for your guidance. In my ability to understand – I seek your wisdom.

Thank you for your promises. Today you led me to a promise in Psalm 37:34 -

Don’t be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel Steadily along his path. He will honor you, giving you the land.

You will see the wicked destroyed.

Yes! I will see this secret sin destroyed in my husband. We will have victory. I claim it in the name of Jesus! It is your desire to us to be healed.

We understand that deliverance will take time. We know that we need to stay steady in attending support groups and to also attend church regularly.

You will honor us by strengthening our marriage and destroying this addiction.

I am thanking you in advance and give you all the praise and glory.

I love You, Lord!

Amen

Cheating on your spouse?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 13:47:12 GMT

Are you the one who is being unfaithful and don't know what to do? Use this marriage forum as a safe place to share with Gary and Mona.

This thread was part of an event with Gary and Mona Shriver. The event is over and they are unable to respond to your posts, however, if you are in need, call us at 1/800-232-6459 and ask to speak with one of our licensed counselors. And of course we hope you'll continue to share and encourage one another!

Excluded from "feeling" God's presence?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 08:20:17 GMT

Alright. I'm new here, so I have no idea if this is the right place to post this, but I have been really impressed with the thoughtfulness and insight of the replies on many posts I've read on this site, so, here goes.

My spiritual background and path has been a long, twisted one for a 21-year-old woman. Before my parents married, my mother was Mormon. When they married, she left the church that she had been raised in and dedicated herself to my father's path, Catholicism. For the first few years of my childhood, I was taken to each church on alternating weekends and exposed to both points of view, but they soon ended that practice and we started going to the Catholic church every week.

Throughout my adolescence, I was very dedicated to Catholic-Christian beliefs, philosophy and morality. I never did drugs, didn't have sex until I was 18 and in college (yeah, I know, still premarital, but I am trying to forgive myself for that and instead focus on not being promiscuous). I attended a Catholic high school and became a youth leader at my home church, attending special leadership meetings every week, giving talks and presentations, and even directing a retreat at age 17. However, I never really felt like I "fit in" in a social sense or a spiritual sense. I have always been intellectual, so I was mercilessly teased and harassed by other kids at school, who thought I was a nerd. They would call me "ugly," "brainiac," you name it.

At my church's teen group, the other kids were always talking about their "personal/emotional experiences with God" and being "on fire" for Jesus, and feeling his love. And I felt SO jealous, because in all my years of prayer and Catechism classes and everything else, I had never started crying in awe of God, or received a vision in a dream, or felt "on fire." It did occur to me that some of the kids might be lying, but how did I know? These were people that I had trusted for years. Finally, during a group trip to a Catholic youth convention, I decided that I could take no more. There I was, standing in a massive convention center with 2,000+ other teenagers who were all "speaking in tongues," rolling on the floor, and crying, and I felt absolutely nothing at all. Maybe I was too sinful for Jesus to touch me, or something, but I couldn't stand going to church and continuing to be left out. I went a few more times after that out of obligation, and then left altogether.

I considered myself an athiest for a bit, and then got involved in Wicca. (I'm sure a lot of eyebrows just got raised, but please, I ask you to hear me out.) I felt welcome in the pagan student group, and thought that I had found myself a new home. But eventually, things soured within that group as well because I felt that "excluded" feeling again. I tried so hard to learn and practice right, but I still felt this great emptiness during rituals. Later on in college, I studied with another coven for 8 months before I was kicked out randomly and without explanation other than "you aren't a good fit for us right now." So, I have fallen away from that path as well, and here I am, 21 years old, fresh out of college, floating in agnostic ambiguity. My parents are also in the middle of a dramatic and painful divorce, which is only making all this weigh heavier on my mind.

Where does that passion, that love or "fire" of spirituality come from? It can't just be from trying to follow all the rules correctly. And it probably isn't waiting in a certain church or denomination. I've tried that and failed in more than one faith! I just don't know what to do. I want to know God, I want to feel that God is there so badly, and push away the pain of this doubt and fear that I'm not good enough for anyone, or that I'm damned and just a bad person....has anyone else ever felt like this?

Rose

Husband and his single male friends..

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 19:45:03 GMT

Hello,

I'm a newlywed, married for 3 months. Things have been great however I have some concerns with issues that bother me and want to know if I should be concerned about them OR if I am just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

A little bit of background here. I met my husband in church. We courted for 3 1/2 years, got engaged, then married this year. There is a ten year age difference between us in which I am older and he is younger than me (I guess that makes me a 'cougar'). I have been living on my own for about 7 years and this is his first time moving out of his parents house after his college graduation. My concerns are the cleanliness and household responsibilities. He seems to have a problem forgetting common sense things like closing the windows before he leaves the house, picking up after himself like his clothes and shoes, and coming to bed a decent time on the weekdays. This makes me irritated because I like to go to bed with my husband at a decent time like 10 or 11 o'clock at night on a workday, where he won't go to bed until I tell him too because he is staying up late playing video games until 1:30 in the morning. I don't want to have to feel like I'm his mother and tell him to be more responsible but I feel like I have to in order for him to finally get it!

My other concern are his friends. ALL of them are single, which is fine, no prejudices against single people. It's just that I believe that he should start making new friendships with married men since they have more in common and he can learn some gain some wisdom and experience on what being a married responsible man is all about. His single guy friends go to our church but don't seem to be heading in the same direction as him. Two of them are nice, but they are in their mid twenties and still live with their mother, and don't go to school full-time. They are not very mature. The other friend I don't care for much. He says he's a Christian and I do believe him but he does have a dark side. I have reason to believe he has been to strip clubs because he was talking to his brother about them, he is disrespectful to me and has been constantly rude to me when I was courting my husband. I know this was because he was jealous and found me a threat to their friendship. This friend of his is a hit and miss in church and always goes on long trips without his girlfriend..he's very sneaky.

Question: Should I be concerned with my husband being friends with so many single guys? Does this change eventually in time the longer we are married? They are okay guys except for the one I mentioned above. I guess I just don't see how they would influence him in a positive way when it comes to being a married man.

Question #2: Eventually will my husband 'grow-up' and become more responsible the longer we are married? I try not to nag him but I have been told by other women to not allow the man to develop too many bad habits early on because once they do and I let it slide, I'm stuck

with those bad habits.

I love my husband, but it is hard for me to respect him as a man when he is sometimes childish in certain ways.

Please pray for me...much advice is needed!

Thx!

Free will and Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:07:12 GMT

Del described the Naturalistic Philosophy - in part - claiming that man has no life after death, no free will and no meaning in life. Del's presentation then went on to describe Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ranging from the basic level (food and shelter) to the highest level of self actualization. My question/issue... I am surprised that Del didn't take that opportunity to refudiate this philosophy as illogical because you need to have free will to climb Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. This would negate the claim of Naturalistic Philosophy that man has no free will (or negate the heirarchy). I remember him saying that the hierarchy was "me" centered which makes it a non biblical worldview but I don't remember any mention of the illogical aspect of men's free will in relation to the hierarchy. Did I just miss it or possibly my reasoning is off base? Or, could it be that someone of the Naturalistic Philosophy really does believe in man's free will?

Ask the Man Webcast: Blended Family Issues

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:40:59 GMT

Another question I have lol..

My spouse has really big issues with his original birth children from 1st marriage. Lots of hurt and games are being played out. Any advice as his wife NOW dealing with any of this?? His ex wife is right in the center of the issues sometimes...

Need help with fighting

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 02:10:30 GMT

I have three children ages 11, 9, and 5 and it seems like they are always fighting. The oldest one picks on both the younger ones and then she and her sister team up on their little brother. the girls actually get in fist fights with each other. I have tried time outs, taking things away, writhing sentences, writing apologies to each other, and I have talked to all of them until I'm blue in the face. They all admit that they know what they're doing is wrong, but then they will be right back at it again. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

Is it wrong to read your teen's texts?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:10:45 GMT

My daughter is 15 and she has never given me a reason not to trust her, but recently she has fallen head over heels over a boy at her school. He is a senior and she is a freshman. This does concern me even though I know his parents and he is going to be leaving on scholarship to college after this year. I have recently found myself reading her texts on her phone when she is unaware, mostly to find out if I am getting the whole scoop about this young man. What I found to my dismay is that she is using language (or at least on one text replying to similar language) that broke my heart. I feel like she is trying to be "cool". Now, any suggestions on how to bring this up to her without revealing that I have "gotten into her business" by looking on her phone. Maybe she should know that her phone is not a private space and she should consider that when using it. I don't know. I am confused. My daughter and I have always been very close and I want her to be able to trust me. She has always been a child that when she realizes she's done wrong is ready to repent. Any suggestions?

Intimate Contact

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 May 2010 20:39:42 GMT

My husband of almost 25 years has been in the process of trying to end an emotional affiar for almost 2 months. (His first love from 29 years ago whom I now find out he has always loved) We have had more sexual intimacy in these past few weeks then we have had for a LONG time. I am enjoying it because I feel like it reminds both of us that he is still my husband and I have something the other woman doesn't have/hasn't had. She is 500+ miles away so that makes it a little easier for this affair to remain emotional. Anyway, I have asked my husband what he is getting out of our intimacy at this point. He was honest and said at this point he felt it was more of a physical release for him than an emotional experience. He told me last night that he doesn't even know for sure if he wants to try to save our marriage. Should I continue to be intimate with this man whom I dearly love and DO NOT want to lose to divorce. Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, do you have any advice for me? I feel like I may need to begin going into self-preservation mode and begin withdrawing from this man who may not continue to be my husband for much longer.

How do we discern which Christian organizations have been taken capture by worldviews?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 15:43:02 GMT

This morning while listening to K-love, two of the talk show hosts praised Jennifer Granholm as a wonderful governor, along with other positive comments about her. She is pro partial-birth abortion, pro-gay marriage.....She is ranked one of the most liberal democrats in the country. I sent a comment to K-love asking them to make a correction or comment regarding Granholm. My comment stated that if they chose to make political statements on a politician they should stay informed. I explained that too many Christians are uninformed voters and will remember K-love saying Granholm is a great governor. There are Christian men and women who are called by God to stand up for what is right in this country by running for political office. Things like this make it all the harder for all of us. It's similar to the churches who say they obey God, but teach and do otherwise.

I am posting this here because I think this is at the heart of "The Truth Project". I believe we Christians must hold those who claim loyalty and obedience to Christ, to there word. I pray they will respond to my comment and make a statement on air as well in writing on there home page.

Moderator's Note: Just a reminder to those who want to discuss politics. Because Focus on the Family is a "C3" nonprofit, we cannot directly discuss current candidates for elective office. Granholm is not a candidate in 2010, so this message is okay. -- TTPAdmin1

A nondeminational Christian in a Catholic School

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 03 Aug 2005 08:39:41 GMT

Our 6-year-old son just finished kindergarten this year. He is socially immature and though his academic portion of report cards are always fine (he actually reads at a 3rd grade level), the social skills just are not there yet. The ratio of students to teachers in the school system is 25:1 although there is a paraeducator and I volunteer twice a week with the kids. He is "great one-on-one" per his teacher, and at home is well-behaved but very impulsive. When his behavior is monitored and corrected immediately he does very well, even at school.

Our community is blessed with two private schools- one Lutheran and one Catholic. The Lutheran school's ratio is 12:1 and Catholic school 6:1, so both much better. We took my son to both and found that we were more comfortable with both kindergarten and first-grade teachers in the Catholic school system. The Catholic school does have mass every day, and the kids come in contact routinely with a pastor routinely called "Father Jack".

I might add that my beliefs are fairly conservative and other than birth control, are fairly in line with the Catholic doctrines (e.g. on divorce, etc.) We do not believe in praying to other than God through Jesus, infallability of any person but Jesus, or calling a human Father.Any suggestions from non-Catholics who have had children go to Catholic school?

Morals, Ethics, Freewill in relation to sin

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 18:25:33 GMT

Did God create sin? where did sin come from? If satan and man can sin, did they just decide to do this or was it something that was already available and defined by God?

I have people tell me that God could not create sin because it is not his nature. Well, neither is man in a sinful state.

If we say that God did not create sin (even though he can not do it), who created it and what else did they create that God didn't.

Please help set me straight.

infedelity on both sides

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:03:15 GMT

The last 2 days have been ok .Yesterday we talked a little bit about what I feel right now and what torture I'm going through. She was very defencsive and still put some blame on me. The rest of the after noon went fine or so I thought. Last night she was on the computer with the door open I think so I would feel secure. I walked in the first time and she was playing a game on facebook. I walked in about 15 minutes later and saw the mans facebook page that she was having the affair with. She tried to click it off before I could see but it was too late. I asked her what she was doing looking at his page and she told me that she did'nt know that she just was. Finally she blamed me for pushing her to work this out and also for talking about what they did and how it affected me . I will not take responcibilty for her actions. After her making a new covnant with me and God how could she do this. I told her today that it would be me or him starting right now. She told me that if she was to make the decision now I wouldn't like it. How is it possible to go back on her word and not be willing to give up the sinfull temtations with this man .I would think that if you were wanting to start over with your spouse that you would do what ever it takes to get rid of any and all temptations. Not leaving any doors open. She also told me last night that the past 3 weeks that she has thought about suicide and if she was to do it that it would be because of me. help is ergent and all the prayres right now I fear for her safty as well my family.

6 year old can't be still

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:35:13 GMT

Hi,

I'm looking for advice to help out here. My 6 year old daughter is extremely "busy." She can rarely sit still even when watching TV or working in school practice books. I can say something three or four times, she will look at me and say ok, then go right back to what she was doing. I'm frustrated and not sure what the problem may be. I know this is probably just her active personality but she's getting ready to go into 1st grade and will have to be able to manage her behavior.

Any thoughts / ideas?

I want to be at home

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:27:02 GMT

I have no idea what to do. I am a Christian, married for 13 years and we have 4 beautiful children. I truly feel that they are suffering by me having to be at work. My husband is a police officer and I am a court clerk for the same department. We have odd hours and I see more and more that our kids are getting left behind, even though we are trying very hard for it not to be that way. I know that we provide fairly well for them, but I just think things would be better all the way around if I were able to stay at home. I do love my job, but I can do without it. I am not the type of person that has to have "my time, etc..." . My husband wants me at home, but I just don't see how we can do it. Can anyone provide any advice if they have been in this situation. Thank you so much.

I need some advice on teen affection in dating

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:15:00 GMT

Tonight I found myself in brand new territory. My 15 year old daughter has a boyfriend and he is her first one. I don't let her go out on dates yet but he is going to church with her. Tonight when they said goodbye she reached up and gave him a full body hug. I was not comfortable with this but I haven't said anything to her yet because I want some advice first. They have only known each other for a couple of weeks. Would I be right in telling her that since she is too young to date that she is also too young to be so affectionate to someone she has just started to get to know? Thanks, Sheri

unequal

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:38:50 GMT

Well, ten years ago,my significant other met. We were a good match......partying,drinking,wild nights, Then as the years went by...children came along. I "grew up" and took responsibility for my life and for the lives of our children. It was a very weird relationship between he and I. There was never any talk about our love for each other and marriage was definitely not in his vocabulary. My feelings for him progressed over the years,but he still wasn't on board with that. I think it was the old excuse that he didn't want to be "tied down" He still wanted his freedom and wanted to go out and party w/ friends all the time. I was always home with the kids. I have been a stay at home mom for quiet some time. So I have always felt like a single mom, but he brought home the money.Well, more years went by and he still had not shown any signs of wanting to commit or marry for that matter. (He was almost 40ys old)

So, in December 08, through many differences and arguments about his continued drinking,partying,and crazy lifestyle, I packed all of mine and the kids furniture,belongings,ect, and moved out. This shook his world up. I made it very clear that if he did not want to settle down and commit,not only to me but the us as a family and show them better lifestyle habits, that we would leave. So we did so. I guess you could say,it was a big wake-up call. Like the old saying, "you don't know what you have till it's gone"

Here is the turning point......through many conversations,tears(from both of us),and time apart, we met back up and he asked me to marry him and had promised to stop the drinking,partying,and be a better father. We moved back in and even found a church and started going together as a family for the first time. We gave our life to Jesus and repented. Ooohhhh. It felt like I had just cleansed my sole. It felt like I hadn't had a bath in ten years!!LOL. He was a whole new man! Praise God. We learned how to pray, and changed our lifestyles. ...............

Here is the end result.........for him, it lasted two months.The drinking started up again slowly,then the use of curse words in everyday conversations,etc. I tried to "pull" him back.But the flesh world is what he missed. He sadly said to me, "this life style is just not for me" What a let down. I tried more to show him scriptures,talk about God,etc. But he was missing his old life too much. I on the other hand have fallin in love with Jesus.Praise God. I have come to the point where I want to know Him more. I crave Him. I have learned so much and still want to know more. So I had also learned that I needed to step back and leave him alone and pray for him. It's up to God to deal with him. But I do teach him silently(through my joy) He can see how happy I am with my new found love.

Well, I titled this page unequal because I have decided to leave my significant other. We are no longer equal. And since we are not married, Im understanding that I am still knowingly sining. I don't want to marry someone who refuses to be a Christian. Our values and views and so very different know. Before I made this decision to leave, I prayed about it for a while. I asked for direction,wisdom, and strength. I also asked that He open my heart and mind to be able to hear Him speak to me and tell me what I'm suppose to be doing with my life. I have no college education, have had ods-n-ends jobs,and have been a stay at home mom for 6 yrs. I have since been directed to leave this relationship and obtain a certificate and career in health care.

Please pray for my family as I will be once again be traveling down new roads.

3year old hitting parent

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 09 Sep 2003 13:26:26 GMT

Occasionally, i tell my daughter I want her to do something she responds by swatting at me. I know this is disrespectful and I deal with it. I am wondering however, if disciplining her by spanking, smacking her hand, etc. is causing this? Could it be that she does not understand the difference between her hitting me and my disciplining her? Even if I have explained to her why I am disciplining her? When she swats at me, is it a good idea to discipline her by smacking her hand or bottom? Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite telling her not to hit at me yet turning around and doing it to her. Any thoughts?

Separated - Now What?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 May 2010 14:16:33 GMT

Ever since we were married 19 months ago, my husband has given me multiple reasons not to trust him. He refused to cease all communication with old girl friends, is addicted to pornography and will not get the help he needs with it (preferring to handle it on his own, which has failed), and will not be accountable to me as to where his money is going. A couple of months ago, he had an on-line affair with a woman. He added an old high-school girl "friend" (who is single) to his Facebook page and would not remove her even though communicating with her made me feel uncomfortable. Yesterday, he got a text message from her, and that was the last straw. I should also mention that he has not been willing to do any serious counseling, just a few sessions just to say he's been.

So yesterday morning, I saw no alternative but to ask him to leave. My hope is eventual reconcilliation, but he's got a new girl right now, so he's probably not up to discussing anything with me until this fizzles out.

Meanwhile, I'd like to know what I should do to protect myself legally and otherwise. The house is in my name. I've lived here 15 years. How can I prevent him from coming and going?

On the relationship side, counseling won't happen or do much good yet, so I'm thinking all I can do is wait and continue the work on healing my pain from all the damage he's done since we've been married. Any other suggestions?

By the way, fortunately, there are no children involved, which makes this much easier.

seeking

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:46:38 GMT

Here is situation - married for 16 yrs. 4 children (healthy). husband put work ( he is a workaholic) adn remodeling projects and his self centeredness above his family for yrs. i grew resentful and lost my respect for him. i would have to lie to kids or fight with him in private just to get him to go camping or do other family activities. Tried counseling - didn't change anything. i told him last year i did not love him anymore- that i gave and gave adn never re-filled myself and i ran out and i was going to leave. 3 wks. after i told him that he had accident (he is okay now) he said it wasn't planned . but he said during recovery he realized all he had done and finally stopped blaming me for both sides of mistakes. i confessed my areas that i wasnt right.- but he blamed me all the yrs. for his share of problems too. Now i feel it is too late- i dont have any feeling left except the ones that are there because i do care deep down and care what happens but when i look at him it is almost empty. i tried to work on getting it back praying and so forth but still nothign there. This is ongiong for many yrs. i can explain more later. but any thoughts would be appreciated. i almost feel like i dont care and i knwo right now i am only staying because i dont want to hurt my children as i know they would be devastated.

age 50 and wanting to foster/adopt

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:36:21 GMT

Hello:

I am 50 years old and my husband is 46. We are financially stable, healthy and love the Lord. I have had it on my heart to adopt for a few years now (married late in the game and could never have kids) Family/friends keep bringing up the issue of age, which makes me wonder. Anyone out there who can give me some insight?

What to do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 00:11:04 GMT

I have had suspicions of infidelity on my husband's part for several years. Long story short, I recently discovered email messages between he and random women he's found through Craigslist making arrangements to meet and have sex. There were also threads from a yahoo group he is a member of that is a local "social club" where people meet for all sorts of sexual rendezvous. I haven't seen evidence of him participating in these comment threads nor do I have evidence of him participating. His email inbox has been bombarded with pornographic emails. When I confronted him about it recently he at first acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. When I asked if he would like to see the messages and proceeded toward the computer to pull them up he broke down and said you don't have to do that. I said so what are you saying, are you admitting to it. He said yes. But that didn't lead to repentance. He seemed to have the attitude that he didn't know what to do about it but also tried to make excuses. He asked if I had heard it said that men think about sex every 30 seconds. I said I had. He said how is he supposed to deal with that when I will only "give it up" every couple weeks. It isn't always this infrequent. I will admit that sometimes it is because we're busy, we have two small children who I stay home with and by the time I get them in bed I'm usually ready to drop. However, he seems to think of it as justification for what he's doing.

I'm just trying to figure out how best to proceed. I have also emailed the marriage counselor he and I have been going to for a few months now. I am trying to collect godly advice before I take any action.

I feel like God keeps telling me to stick it out, to continue to love him and to walk it out until he finds deliverance. But I just don't know. I don't even know what that would or wouldn't include. Could a temporary separation be the answer? I just don't know. Thank you for your help!!!

Message was edited by: Moderator

Abandonment

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:21:23 GMT

I have been married for 5 years now, the last two have been difficult because my spouse wants a divorce. He feels his depression is caused by me and if asked "do I ruin your life?" he would say yes. It breaks my heart because we have been living apart for almost a year now. Last year I had to travel a lot with work and when I would come home, he would abruptly leave and not let me know where is was staying, because he said he just wanted to be away from me. He also made sure that I did not have friends phone numbers so that I could not reach him. Now my work has caused me to move. Initially he said he would move with me, but would wait until our house was sold. Now he states that he wants a divorce, that he would be happy if I found someone who was capable of making me happy, and he will not even come to visit me and rarely returns phone calls. I have tried to encourage him and let him know that only he can make me happy, I do not want someone else, but he says hurtful things in response and then says he is overwhelmed by guilt, because of the hell he feels that he is putting me though.

I don't see how I could be causing his depression, as I am not even part of his life. I am a Christian and I want to turn things over to God and hopefully find and share support and encouragement with others who may be dealing with similar concerns. I love him, although who he is right now is not the man I married. He stopped going to counseling, will not take medication, and drafted a separation agreement about 6 months ago but hasn't served it to me yet. Please pray that he will find Jesus. I am trusting in God to heal our marriage, heal his depression, and to allow my husband to seek and find salvation.

When the Bible says in I Corinthians 7:15 "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." Does this mean that I am to cut off total contact and truly put space between us, or does it mean that I should try to be cordial, but stop trying to solve our issues and hand them over to God? I read Love Must be Tough and The Redemptive Divorce this weekend, but I still feel at a complete loss. Has anyone had experience handing a depressed spouse over to God? I am in desperate need of encouragement and although I feel strongly that I need to let go like the Bible says I am not sure exactly how to interpret what letting go means, please pray for my strength as letting go of someone you love is not an easy thing to do.

Where do single people fit into Gods design?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 10:33:15 GMT

At our discussion for Lesson 7 we talked about the design for people to be in a family, "it is not good to be alone". Where then does singles and priests for example who choose to be single fit this design? Did the disign change after the fall?

Soon to be pastors wife and scared!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:00:45 GMT

I am so happy that they have this site for families in the ministry!! I am a stay at home mom to my two wonderful boys 4 and 11 months. Let me start by saying I adore my husband and we have a wonderful marriage. That being said I am a soon to be pastor's wife and I am scared! My husband is on internship and while it has gone well for him, and is affirming his call. My kids and I are kind of left in the dust. I don't feel like I am being called to be a pastor's wife. In fact I have never felt so far away from God before! The seminary process has been stressful, unpredictable, hard on my 4 year old, and very hard on me. Since we have been on internship I have made NO friends here and no one has taken an interest in welcoming our family. My husband is gone... a lot, and I sometimes feel like a single parent. He is normally a very attentive father and husband. Things feel like they are slipping away. I am many friends who are also away on internship with their husbands and none of them seem happy. Is this what ministry life is suppose to be like? Why would I want this life for my children? Is there any hope of my family being happy in the ministry or should we get out while we still can?

Confused??

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:23:04 GMT

I am not sure what communtiy to start in. I think I might need some counseling. I have a lot on my plate and I get fustrated at my family cause they just can't see that. sometimes I want to quit my job and concentrate on my part time stuff> I don"t feel like my household is being taking care of effiently. Not sure if I just need to talk about it all or need some real help on how to manage things with the way things are right now, what to change and what not to change. I used to welcome challenging times. Now I am struggling with them.

Marriage Difficulties While Deployed

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 08:26:05 GMT

My wife and I have been married two years next month and I love her to death, she is my soul mate. However latley she has pulled away from me and told me that I was now number two in her life and that her girlfriend is now number one, also blaming me for being deployed now (before we married she knew I was probably going to deploy). This all started around two weeks ago when she went camping with this same girlfriend, who was bringing her boyfriend along for a day. Turned out that the boyfriend came for all five days of camping and brought a friend. Of course my mind immidiatly thought the worse. Since she has returned from the camping trip I have spoken to her only about three times, where as before we would talk twice a day. Now last night I found out that theese same two guys and her girlfriend are at my house helping her unpack from the move (I understand the girlfriend helping). With every fiber of my being I do not like these two guys hanging around at all. As a man I am not sure what is going on and I am totally stressed out.

However, I have not been the husband she thought I was. I have treated her rudly in front of people. Accusatory about things and always questioning her every move. I would not want to be married to me either if I was my wife. For the reader I know I have not named everything I have done to her, but I have treated her very unlovingly, not making her number one in my life and treating her with the love that christ calls us to treat our wives with. I have never hit my wife, but she claims emotional abuse it seems like all the time.

We are both on our second marriage and both of us say we love one another. I am putting my effort into working on me being more loving to my wife, thinking about what I say and do, making sure I come across lovingly to her as a wife, spouse and mother. I have been reading that book Love & Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. I am stressed out beyond belief with these two guys hanging around, a lousy marriage while I am gone and the distance now created. I would greatly appriciate some godly advice on this matter.

Thank You my brothers & sisters

Brother in Christ

Welcome to all the military chaplains!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:17:00 GMT

Pray especially for those who have volunteered to put themselves in harm's way to bring love and compassion to the men and women of our armed forces. Pray that God places a hedge of protection around them and that their assistants remain safe while protecting the chaplain as he or she performs their duty. Imagine how you would feel if you were attempting to provide guidance to soldiers, many of them kids, and to give them hope, all the while praying that you yourself are not shot in the process.

God Bless!

Steve

Complicated In-Law issue

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 05:25:55 GMT

Been happily married to a wonderful Christian man for 20 years! His parents are divorced, and his mother and step-dad made it clear they did not want us to marry (at the time they thought we were too young) Since becoming aChristian 14 years ago, I have done just about everything I can think of for them. In fact, it is me who remembers their birthdays and plans special events for them. But, they have done things to treat me different always, like give my hubby $100 for his birthday and I get a book (i'm not complaining, i'm pointing out the differencial treatment) They've never liked the fact he didn't finish college, that I didn't go to college, that we adopted kids instead of having our own, that we don't let our kids watch certain t.v. shows because of content and on and on.

A few months back they did something that was so incredibly rude and inconsiderate, that i wrote them to tell them how upset I was. I took days to write the letter because, although I wanted to be blunt, I wanted to be respectful too. I cleared this with my husband and he encouraged me to send the letter.
This weekend when we visited them, my husbands step-father took my husband to the woodshed and went on a tirade insulting me and accusing me of some horrible things. My husband is normally not the kind of guy that takes that stuff sitting down, but remained calm and quietly disagreed with him. Because my hubby didn't side with him, he kicked him, me and our 4 kids out of the house.
My husband thought that in the heat of the moment, his stepfather said things he didn't mean, but 24 hours later, he re-stated the same thing to me personally over the phone. He summed up by saying he was done having a relationship with me.

I should mention my husband's mother, while not happy about the way her own husband handled the situation, she said almost the same things.

Thank heavens my husband said if his stepdad is done with me he is done with our entire family. I am extremely relieved. I think that every time my husband disagreed or did something his parents didn't like, they couldn't make themselves blame him and chose to believe it was all my fault. My husband apologized because he said he never realized how difficult this relationship had been for me.

Honestly, I am not even upset by what they said. I already knew they felt that way because of how they acted. And, by the power of God, I still have a God-given love for them and will continue to pray and hope the best for them.

However, my concern is if they ever try to establish a relationship with us, I don't know how I will ever believe anything they say or do. And after the things they said about me raising our kids I don't want them in any way to every influence my children. Has any of you had to re-establish your in-law relationship after something like this? If so how did you handle it? Believe me I am praying!

Satan & The Truth

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 15:15:42 GMT

Len:
A while back I heard or read, maybe Twain, that Satan told us the truth in the Garden, and it became SO.
Gen 3:5 "God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened. You'll be like God, knowing good and evil."

Well, we ate (and would do so again) and our eyes WERE open and we now KNOW good from evil, as God. Prior to that all Adam knew was Good. So in a way, Satan told the truth, no? And we did become LIKE God in our knowing. That is the curse, no?

Can use a little help in this!

Father, forgive us our pride.

the power of truth:
As usual, Satan deals in half truths. Yes it is true that our eyes were opened and now know good and evil, but that is only part of the whole truth. We were already made in the image of God, so in a way we were already like God. The implication that Satan gave Eve was that she would be like God, in every way, not just know good & evil like God. He also gave the promise that she would not surely die (Genesis 3:4)

Satan used scripture, which was true, to temp Jesus in the desert. Satan will never make his lies easy or obvious to discern, he is evil.

caleb booher:
The answer from "the power of truth" is a good one. Satan takes Truth and twists it. However, you can imagine that the more a Truth is twisted, the more it becomes evident it is a lie. So when Satan twists Truth, he does it just enough to retain its appearance, but still enough to result in a very dangerous lie.

For example: "Coccaine can make you feel invincible. Acid will show you the most beautiful visions." What is left out, and sometimes denied, is the casatrophic and gruesome reality of addiction, affliction and death associated with these drugs.

A quick study of who Satan WAS in heaven will show you he is a pretty artsy kind of guy. He is still beautiful and he tempts with beauty.

He finally left...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:21:16 GMT

I am so broken. After falling into an unhealthy web culture since January, my husband found someone 5 weeks ago and is moving out with her. We will be separated and he wants a divorce.

14 years of marriage. I love him. He was my family...my best friend....so deep was our marriage. He told me he has fallen out of love with me. He told me his involvement with this web culture has nothing to do with it, but if he wasn't involved in sin and moving out...we could go to counseling. We could go to church...We could ask God for help.

He said, "God can't change my mind."...

I ache. I ache. Please pray for me. He dropped me of at grad school for 6 weeks and during that time....found her, schemed and moved out. He locked me out of the bank accounts. I feel abandoned. I was 19 when I married him. I feel so lost. It is so hard. I am coming home to nothing. I am so alone.

My mom is my best friend and she has Stage IV Ovarian cancer. If I lose her and my marriage at once...I don't know what I will do. Please pray for me tonight and the next few nights. I am losing faith fast. And so terrified.

Message was edited by: Moderator

Homework battle!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 23:29:54 GMT

My 4th grader and I seem to have the same fight everyday over homework. I do not want this to continue for the rest of the school year. I don't know how to get her to do her homework without it take two hours and me losing my cool. Any tips on creating a better homework time for us both?

Need bible passages meaningful to marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 03:25:37 GMT

My wife and I read the bible together each night. We are reading, chapter by chapter from Genesis to Revelation. This has been good for us and has helped me to get a better understanding of the God we serve but we have not gotten past Psalms after 4 years now. There's usually some argument or misunderstanding or other thing that gets in the way. I would like us instead to read passages that touch the subject of love, relationships, marriage and family. We do not want a devotional...we just want to read the bible passages. Can anyone help me to compile some passages. We would usually read from 30 to 50 verses at a time.

Need Help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 23:51:59 GMT

I have twin boys who are 4 1/2. I know boys are different from girls and tend to be intrigued with body parts and bodily functions more than girls do however my boys have displayed some behavior that I can't help but wonder if it's normal or not or could it be a sign of something else.

I am a stay-at-home mom so they are with me most of the time however I do have to leave them with other people on occasion. Anyway, to describe the behavior, they will pull their pants down and tell the other one to suck their pee pee. This has happened quite a bit. My mom said she saw them trying to do this one time while she was watching them. I tell them not to behave like that and I have asked them if anyone has ever done anything like that to them. They tell me no but the behavior freaks me out a little and I just want to know if I have reason to be concerned or is this normal. They also will try to french kiss each other which I have told them is inappropriate. They have not witnessed this kind of behavior from my husband and I and I am very careful about the television I let them watch. Please help! Thank you!

Did I make a Mistake? Prayer's needed desperately!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:53:40 GMT

Greetings bro/sister's...Last January, I met my hubby now, 4 the first time. During this time I was takn care of my grndad, whom I lost in February. I was also losing all that I had. The money that I got back from taxes, I spent on my happiness with this guy, at that time, instead of paying my bills and taking care of my children, providing their home and needs. My hubbys name is Mark, and back then I loaned him alot of money, every thing we did, every trip we made, everytime I drove four hrs to see him, I paid. He never paid..I paid his bills from his previous marriage, even to his ex...i felt that it was future security for me. We are still fighting that previous marriage thing and I gave up alot to keep him, so to speak. I left my kids, in April to move up here to get things settled. I later got my son to move with me, but my daughter never did. Then I didnt look at it like this, but I know in my heart I gave up all, even my kids for my own happiness with Mark. Well Mark lost his job, and there was sexual charges against him, but he says its not so, but why after 12 yrs of supervisor would they lie and fire you? There was proof there that told me it could be true. Well, I still stayed, didnt want to be alone, or go back to my home in SC, where I had nothing. I started thinking I didnt want to live with a man, so pushed getting married, for two reasons...so I wouldnt be living in obvious sin, and maybe his ex wife would leave us alone then. We married in October of last year. Things were good for a month..as far as relationship, then I caught him doing Sexually explicit material, which is what he and his ex split for, and it did something to me. However, still in the back ground, I was paying the bills I could, and his ex marital bills, even insurance for his ex wife. Mood between us became cold...he turned my stomach knowing what he was doing, and i have caught him twice since then. He has never been alone and he has told me that he didnt know how to be alone and didnt want to. He had told me in the beginning but I brushed it off, that now maybe a woman can take care of him for a change. He does do things around here, and sometimes good to my son, but he has let it be known that he couldnt live alone. I want to do what God wants me to do. I have slipped into depression, been really sick, in and out of hospital, just living in the dark, so to speak. Does God expect me to stay in a marriage that was obviously wrong for me to leave my children for? Please pray for me...I do not know what to do. I am so miserable. People say God can restore love, but would God want you to stay in a marriage that was wrong to start with? Besides, I dont think it was true love to start with, I think it was lust and security. And I am not sure I even want to chance it with him no more.

08/24/07 -- Clergy Appreciation Month

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 11:47:45 GMT

With Clergy Appreciation Month approaching in October, what form of tangible recognition (or gift) would you most like to receive?

What is happening to our teens?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 10:05:20 GMT

I am new to this forum and need some help. My husband and I have 2 sons, 16 and 13. Both boys have always been good students, involved in sports and church. We slowly saw changes begin in highschool with our oldest. He is now a junior and going out with his first girlfriend, who is a senior. (Not who I would have chosen for him, but I am dealing with it silently) A year ago he became a vegan (no problem), and his personal hygiene has declined considerably. I know that he is not into drugs but I am very concerned with what he is learning either from school or his friends. He just informed us last night that he doesn't believe in God and believes more in Evolution. My husband and I were stunned! We always have taught them NEVER to turn your back on God. He is strong in his opinions which I am proud of. I just don't understand where these ideas came from. Any suggestions from moms or dads that have gone through this?

I need advice about my 16 yr old step-son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:12:25 GMT

Today, my generally well behaved 16 year old decided he was going to steal $100 out of another student's purse at school. God has had his hand on this kid through so many behavior issues, but this was never one we have had to deal with. Usually, if you needed something, he would do without and give to you. But today, WOW! I didn't see it coming!

He has recently started trusting God. How do I handle this? I'm not sure how to react! Part of me wants to cry. Most of me is in shock! This is just never been a part of his character until now. Losing his temper and saying things he shouldn't or punching someone who provokes him too much is his worst problems. It has never been this! And not $5! No! He has to take $100. If he was 18, they would have called the police. If he had his driver's license, it would have been suspended for 120 days. Now he has out of school suspension for five days and has to report to the juvenile detention center located at the prison.

HELP!

MY HUSBAND'S UNTREATED DEPRESSION IS DEPRESSING ME TOO...HELP PLS!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 15:40:08 GMT

Firstly I would like to introduce myself a bit. I am 27, married to a 30 year old who is my childhood sweetheart. I met him when I was 16 years old. We have a 5 year old daughter together. He is the first and only man I have ever slept with. i am here because I don't know where else to go or what to do or say or not do anymore. Sorry this will be long....

I love my husband & daughter more than anything in this world. He tells me he loves me too. I have known that my husband is depressed for many years but thought it is just me making conclusions. I am sure he too knows this but he is living in denial because he thinks that it 'the depression' will go away on it's own. I am a Christian whose faith gets weak when the temptations get a bit too much. Things have become so bad now that I don't know how to cope anymore. When we're ok, he is the best, loving husband any woman can ask for but some days anything & everything triggers anger and unexpected reactions. We're going through financial problems at the moment...this has gone on for over two years now. I think this and other factors have contributed to the depression more. He used to be in the army (hated it but still remained for the sake of our future). 5 yrs of doing the job he hated contributed to what he has become now. Before he used to complain about his job and how much happier he would be if he left his job....when he left the army he couldn't get a job for about 7 months in the finance sector he has always liked. One because he didn't have UK finance experience - according to the employers and two, according to him...because we are foreigners. I have been very supportive throughout. I am a very optimistic person regardless of any situation unlike him who is the complete opposite. All he sees in every situation is negativity!! The 7 months he wasn't employed, I worked full time in the office and full time at home until our daughter was fed, in bed, and dishes, laundry and you name it were done. There were times I could have complained and told him to get off the couch and tele to help me but I did not; in fear of making my husband think that I was doing this because he was unemployed. Even after he got a job as an accounts assistant, he still moaned about the small pay, that I earned more than him, that there were too many women in his office and he felt secluded....Everything is not good enough for my husband. He is a very nice man don't get me wrong.

He seems to show me love and affection only when I don't cross his path. Any misunderstanding in our household gets blown out of proportion. Luckily our daughter is usually in bed or not on the scene so as far as she is concerned, mum and dad are ok. When we argue he becomes verbally abusive and tells me I am the reason we are broke. If he never married me, life would have been better for him. He would have been going traveling with his money and enjoy a stress free bachelor life. He tells me that the only reason he doesn't leave me is because of our daughter & the credits we owe. He says if he left it would look like he is running away from repaying the money & that he thinks If he went I'd kill myself & his daughter - he says I have given him this impression when we argued before...He tells me that he only married me for all the wrong reasons; that it was all because at the time 7yrs ago my Dad was in hospital in Africa on a coma that's why he brought me to England so that I could work and support my family back in Africa. This is another reason of financial difficulties in our household. We constantly send money to Africa to both our families who need our assistance. That I am pretty but over rated...there is so many hurtful things which would take me forever to write.....

My primary love language is 'Words of Affirmation'. I have tried to tell him when we're calm that his verbal abuse is wearing me down. He thinks I am just an attention seeker. I have tried to get him to watch the marriage courses on tele with me but he wont. we end up having a massive row. I've bought different books to get him to read with me but he wont. The only improvement is his going to church more than before. To cut a long story short; the constant verbal abuse that I've endured is now taking its toll on me. Two times now I have smashed plates in the kitchen to relieve some stress. This surprised me & him as well. It was last month when I made him miss the first 10 minutes of Manchester united live game (We have sky plus by the way so I thought this would not matter much as he could rewind the program) I should have known better. He shouted at me for a good 20 minutes and cursed and verbally abused me. All I did was apologise. Then the silent treatment came. This usually lasts for at least 4dys or more...

I understand our financial status and am doing everyting in my power to make things better for my family. I work full time in finance sector,earn slightly more than my husband, sell avon every evening & weekend and give my husband space. I get out of bed at 6.30 am, finish work at 5 go home on the train, pick my daughter from after school club, get in the house at 6pm, as soon as hubby gets home from work (drives our car) I go out and drop/collect avon brochures. Whilst I am there he puts his feet up & enjoys tele; avon takes me about an hr or more, straight back in the house I get tea ready, serve him and daughter, after we eat shower little one, read a book and tuck her in bed. I don't often get help becuase he is tired & moody. Sometimes my asking for help brings up an argument, silent treatment, him refusing to eat my food...

Some time ago when I picked the right moment to talk about his depression & seeing a Doctor he made excuses that he was in a new job, and that he couldn't afford time off work for therapy and then he changed the subject. Now he says I am the reason for his depression so if I am out of his life then he will be healed. I have made an appointment with our family doctor for next month to talk about me. I am thinking of letting him know and asking him to come with me. That way he can hear my cry for help and hopefully get helped too. Now he thinks he is ok but that I am the one with depression. His half sister is now divorced due to her depression she is battling so I know I am not wrong about my husband's depression. I read on the net that it can run in the genes. His family is full of people who worry too much and all they do is moan moan moan....and you think people have got more problems than them....

Few dys ago I smashed things again in the kitchen; because I was getting the silent treatment and then wrote a note to him which he tore in my face. This upset me so much. The only reason for the note was a cry for help because we don't communicate anymore. The silent treatment was a punishment because I went to a family christening (which he refused to go with me) and according to him I spent too much time away. He will do anything to avoid confrontation. If it means more abuse then yes. I have been crying since Saturday......Please help!

My husband behaves as though everything husband & wife do for each other is him 'doing me a favor' and that he has already done enough for me and that I am ungrateful. So many times i have endured the abuse & his selfish behaviour in the hope that God will hear me out and change him. Will he ever change is the question I need an answer for. Maybe if he got treatment for depression then things will be ok? Or will he see my importance when I am gone ?

In general my husband has become selfish, controlling, evil, emotionless (I can cry blood and he won't be moved), bullying, manipulative! He has never raised his hand on me but now all I hear is that he understands why women get beaten by their hubby's & that I am pushing him there. I do not want a divorce but I do not want to live like this anymore. Is this normal? If you need any more information to help me pls feel free to ask.

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

My husband doesn't want to have sex

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:40:19 GMT

I feel like I'm crazy. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. To him it is like an obligation, and every two weeks or so, he functionally needs to have sex and then we do. We married three years ago, and though we made a few sexual mistakes through out courtship, we worked hard to correct them. I was so excited to be able to explore the correct sexual relationship God intended for married couples, but this could not be farther from what has happened. Instead, I feel like I am the one who wants it- and I'm not talking like a crazy amount- but like maybe 2 times a week. It's come to a point where we've talked about it, and he says whenever I even mention that I want to have sex, my mentioning it is his litteral 'turn-off' switch. So, I am stuck and can never have sex when I would like to! I've tried different things, and everything doesn't spark his interest! He even views taking a shower with me as annoying!

I have really really been suffering, as I do want to have sex and feel so bad about having sexual desires- I've basically felt like I'm wrong for having these feelings and it really hurts my self-esteem. If I can be honest, I've resorted to masturbating, and feel so dirty saying and admitting it. I feel like we do sex all wrong, and that doesn't help. We've/I've read so many christian books but he's so stuck on thinking we'll just know how to do thing 'naturally.' And whenever we have sex I end up feeling like I'm not present especially because I feel like he doesn't even pay attention that I exist- so even when we do have sex, it almost never satisfies me. He doesn't ever touch me tenderly/sexually, I feel absolutely in no way desireable. Sometimes I just go on these rants about 'what the heck is wrong with me?' and keep asking myself why I'm not pretty or attractive enough.

I do not want to be selfish. I've admitted to my husband how much this is impacting me, and even that I've resorted to masturbation but it seems to only put more pressure on him. But I can't live like this for the next 40 years.

We both come from broken homes, and no parental positive influences, we don't have anyone to help us or guide us. If any of you could offer any help, I would really appreciate it.

How can I save my marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:34:21 GMT

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and he and I started off pretty badly. We both said hurtful things but have moved beyond it, or so I thought. For example, we have had "discussions" that end up in tears and him telling me he wants to leave or calling me degrading names. The fights start because our sex life is not what he is used to (he has had two other partners and I was a virgin before our wedding night). Sex is painful for me and I know that something must be wrong with me because I have come to dread and hate it. What can I do to like and look forward to sex? I love my husband and am dedicated to making this work because that is what God calls me to do. I feel like I am supporting his sinful behavior by continuing to plead with him to stay, but I am afraid he will really leave if I do not. If I cannot figure out a way to make our sex life work then this cycle is bound to repeat itself and I cannot handle being compared to his past sexual encounters and called boring when I cannot be what he is used to. If anyone has any advice please let me know. I want to be a godly wife and to be able to pursue oneness. I also do not want a divorce but do not want him to continue this seemingly manipulative cycle.

11/20/09 -- Family Dinners

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:52:05 GMT

What kind of difference do you think it makes for a family to have their dinners together on a regular basis?

Specific ministry

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:28:33 GMT

I am 'The Disabled Chaplain'. I am also a U.S. Army Veteran who, having been disabled in the line of duty, sought to fulfill an unmet need in my community. My ministry addresses those with disabilities, their families, caregivers and friends. We have specific wants and needs. We have unique questions and sometimes unique answers.

Are there any other chaplains, pastors, ministers or missionaries who deal specifically with the disabled community?

God Bless you in your mission!

Steve

How do I grow closer to God?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 04:32:34 GMT

I have always beleived that there is a God. But for some reason I cannot grow close to him. People say read the Bible. Well, I do that and I just cannot get anything out of it. When I hear people say "pray" or "leave it in gods hands" or "god is looking out for you" or anyhting like it I roll my eyes. Well inside I do.

I just feel like I cannot get close to him. I do go to church. We have recently changed church's because of a disagreement with the main church and there preaching of what they think the bible says. Now we are attending a new one and my family loves it but I am having a hard time with the pastor. I just do not get anything out of his sermons. He speaks very slow and always has his head down reading notes. So I end up losing interest and my mind starts wondering.

How do I grow closer to God? I feel if I was closer to him I would be depressed much less. I would be more greatfull for things that I have and not curse them because I hate them.

I think it comes a little from my past. I grew up extremely poor. Even went homeless for a few years, just my mom, brother and I. I have always taken things into my own hands. I feel like I cannot let someone else take charge, so to speak. Like if I have someone tell me to put it into Gods hands, I deep down, roll my eyes.

Hope I made myself a little clear. I cannot think of a better way to explain myself. I just want a closer relationship with God. I want to be able to just "hand it over to him" and be greatful and not regretful. Or feel like an idiot.

Why does my 17 year old son still cry/raise his voice when he doesn't get his way?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:15:03 GMT

My 17 year old son continues to cry/raise his voice/attack his parents personally when he doesn't receive the answer that he wants. This occurs frequently.

5 year old that want listen to us or to the teacher

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:42:55 GMT

My stepson is 5 years old and just started Kindergarten 3 weeks ago. For the last 3 weeks he has gotten a sad face at school for not listening to the teacher, talking when asked not to, interrupting the teacher when asked not to, and playing around when asked not to. We talked to the teacher about this and she said that she gives him warnings when he acts up and still he continues. He was in a Pre-Kindergarten Class last year so I know that he knows the rules of the class room and of school. This behavior problem is nothing new to us though, he doesn’t listen to us a home either. We have tried everything we can think of to correct this problem. We started out taking thing away from him like his Game Boy (Nintendo DS) certain toys that he loves, and then we started taking away TV and started making him stay in timeout. None of this works. To me, I think he doesn’t care what happens to him. So now every time he gets a sad face at school, when he gets home we spank him and he gets to do nothing the rest of the night. We try to talk to him about this issue, but he just tells us that he just wants to play when he is at school and he saids he cant help it. We started that last week and still he gets a sad face everyday. So this week we will continue to spank him but we are adding something different, a Treasure Box. We told him if he gets a smiley face he gets to go to the Treasure Box and pick out something. If this doesn’t work what will. What else can we try? We are out of ideas.

Not fitting into God's design for family

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 04:15:05 GMT

I am a new believer and thought this project would solidify my walk in Christ and set the foundation one requires to be a faithful follower of God. However, on this tour I am questioning whether my beliefs to this point have been flawed...

I love the Lord, but I do not want a conditional love from him because I do not meet certain criteria. I want to go to heaven and be rewarded, but if I am seems as mediocre because I do not have a husband at 38 then this is not the right walk for me.

Now to those who are interested in reading what I have to say: God's love is suppose to be unconditional based on your choice to follow him in all aspect of life. He knows our hearts and forgives us of our sins - commission or omission. Once we take up our cross and follow him there should not be anything - other than ourselves than hinder us from getting close to him. During this study and the small group discussion I was very upset by what a longtime Christian stated in regards to family. I have a child out of wedlock and I do not perceive her as being unholy - based on 1st Corinthians 7:11. nor do I see myself as less than because I am not in a triune. Can someone shed some light on Gods gifts and rewards to someone who is not entirely in the "design" of God?

Puberty and Masterbation

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 01:35:40 GMT

This might seem a bit off color, but it's a very real concern for me. My son turned 11 a month ago and started puberty earlier this year. Early this evening I caught him masterbating and I don't know how to deal with the situation. Is it right or wrong? I need some reliable Christian advice.

Problems with public school assigned books

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:04:02 GMT

I am having a problem with a book assigned to my freshman. It is book full of vulgar language. The school is arguing it is engaging for kids who don't like to read. Others are arguing against book banning. I am just asking for standards for our schools. It is along the guidelines of "R" rated language for a movie. Why is it allowed for our incoming freshman? What is wrong with asking for our books assigned by the schools to not be full of vulgar language? Do I have any leg to stand on to ask the schools not to assign this book?

Controlling Parent ... and the controlled son

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:36:45 GMT

Did a couple searches on in-laws and found several threads but wanted to see if people had advice for what I could do in my situation. My mother is very controlling and while she is "nice" in certain respects she has no respect for the boundaries that my wife and I have set up. There are many symptoms but the REAL issue is I haven't stood up to her...I've been a whimpy momma's boy. We say "don't come over right before bed time or nap time" and so she calls and says "I'm coming over" and it's right before bed time or nap time for our kids...and I'll let her do it! I can't express what I'm feeling to her and find myself often not saying anything because I'm afraid that I'll either be a push over or overbearing. How can I cut the apron strings? The one time I can remember actually standing up to her (I was overbearing) she went to the guest room (she was visiting from out of town) and cried for an hour or so. The worst part about this is the hurt it is causing my wife because she feels like I love my mom more than her.

This has been going on for over 4 years and I desperately need to change. I'm begging for any advice/help you can offer.

How do you break free from something like this? I dread every time she calls and hardly ever have any interaction with her because I'm so afraid of letting her control what is going on.

Can a couple date, break up staying friends, and then move into a relationship again?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 03:20:59 GMT

The relationship I was in recently ended. It lasted over a 3 month period. I really felt during our relationship that we were meant to be together. Not to mention that I am in love with her still. In addition, she had prayed a couple days before we met that God would bring a guy into her life. The feelings were mutual. However, we did have some communication issues, which lead to petty disagreements. So she eneded up breaking it off. She felt it was the right thing to do, and she was at peace about it. However, she admitted that she hadnt heard from God about it. I on the otherhand have been in prayer and fasting over it. I really feel like God needs to work things out in me and her, and that we need to start over as friends and let things develop instead of forcing things. I believe that God has spoken to me. Im wondering if anyone has advice as far as, can it be possible that I still feel God will work things out even though it seems like she has given up. Or is it just that I hope it works out, so I have convienced myself that it will, when in reality it isnt right. If anyone has any advice, could you let me know. Thanks

What Now

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 19:04:46 GMT

A couple weeks ago, my husband started sleeping on the couch and not really having anything to do with me. Then, on Thursday, he informs that he is no longer in love with me and wants out of our marriage. Let me first start by saying that it is my fault that this happened. A year, I got emotionally involved with someone it almost led to our separation. Since then, I thought that everything was getting better. I mean we had arguments and he made some accusations and threw it in my face a little but I understood that he was hurting. But now he wants out. I was really taken back by this and crushed as a matter of fact, I love my husband and I don't want to separate from him, especially that we have a 3yrs old little girl. I don't want to split up our family, let alone do this do my daughter. What should I do? Is there any way to fix this or win back my husband's love?

Change in lifestyle after marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:19:42 GMT

My husband and I are struggling with a difficult situation that we brought on ourselves. We are both Christian and this is the second marriage for both of us. When we met we were both involved in church and built our relationship our Godly principles however, we both were tempted and gave in to temptation to have sex before marriage. We knew it was wrong but did it anyway. Things kind of snowballed from there. After we got engaged we started experiencing in other desires for our pleasure that were not Godly, again both knowing it was wrong. I was ok at first and wanted to make him happy knowing we were going to be married. He stated that this was important to him and wanted to continue after the marriage which it did. Again I willingly participated in these activities but began to feel very convicted. One point I could not live with myself anymore and decided to confront him with my convictions hoping he would understand and the behavior would stop. He was a very strong Christian and I thought he would be ok. I was wrong. He told me that he did not want to stop and that was the marriage he wanted to have and that if I didn't want it, I decieved him to get him to marry me and he wanted a divorce. I didn't want a divorce so I conceded again. This just hasn't worked and we continue to fight about it. I confronted him about it again stating that the Bible says it is wrong and we are damaging our marriage which is a gift from God. He said he knows its wrong but he wants what he wants. Bottom line is that he is now very consumed in this damaging behavior (that I contributed to) and is blinded by his sin. We attend church but only for our children. He says that he doesn't even listen anymore and if it were up to him he wouldn't even go. He admits to turning his back on God but says he enjoys this life too much to give it up. What is further disturbing is that he relates this life to me and that if we were to stop he couldn't be with me any more because I would remind him of what he couldn't have anymore.

I am so confused. I realize that I played a very big role in this and am probably paying for my sins, but I truly believe God can heal us, but only if my husband is open to this, which he doesn't appear to be. He refuses to go to counseling because he says they will tell him what he already knows and he doesn't want to change.

I do not want a divorce. I love my husband and am very committed to him and our marriage. He is a good person and at his core a strong Christian that has been blinded by this horrible sin. I have prayed about this and think of going to counseling for myself, but realize that he must play an active role in order for our marriage to survive.

Help!

sister of a wayward adult

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:10:51 GMT

I am a sibling of a prodigal adult. My sister recently divorced for the 3rd time. She had made poor choice after poor choice in her actions over the years, most recently almost losing her job, addiction to presciption drugs and alcohol, and she is not a good parent to her two kids. I am ready to throw in the towel with her. My parents are enablers and have bailed her out time after time saying only because she has kids. That is the same reason I have tried to help her too, but I am so angry I don't feel I would do anyone any good right now. What boundries do you set as a sister because her lifestyle upsets me so much, I can hardly talk to her.

Your Parenting Questions Webcast: Practical Advise

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:19:07 GMT

Please share practical advise on how you would handle a 6 year old first born who goes to VBS but only wants to be by his mom. Does the mom push it and make him stand by his class or allow him to stand with her until he warms up?

Also - how do you handle when a child arugues with you? They always want their "say" in a conversation or explain themself. Is that something that the child doesn't feel they are being heard or something that needs to be disciplied?

Thanks!

Frustrated homeschooler

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:43:03 GMT

Hi everyone, I have 3 children ages 1,4 & 8. We have been homeschooling our oldest for 2 years now. I need some input on how to handle my 8 year old. She has been reluctant to do her chores and has to be told things 200 times. Any input? God bless you.

need help on diciplining our five year old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 10 Aug 2005 07:07:47 GMT

My five year old will be starting private school in two weeks. He has been able to control the house since birth. My husband wants to be his friend, but it is getting out of hand. He screams at us when we need to talk and he hits his dad when his dad says no. I know that we are not raising him right, but what should we do now? My husband finally got upset after our son hit him last night and he turned him over his knee and gave three light swats. Our son started crying and his father then said are we still buddies. What can I do to encourage proper discipline and talk with my husband?

Blended family decisions

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 May 2008 12:17:57 GMT

We are a blended family. Meaning two families that share a grade school age child from a prior relationship. We have joint custody but to encourage the most stabel environment as possible, one parent (mom) keeps the child during the school week. Both have equal custody however and have equal say in our childs education, health and religion.
The idea of home schooling came up only recently when our child was not able to begin a local private Christian school. The local public school is brand new and has a good reputation for fresh teachers, many professed Christians. Children that our child plays with go there and love it.
Both of our families agree on most things regarding our childs schedule, health, and relgion. Until now, our child has been attending private Christian schools and we agreed upon this. Now I was told that homeschooling is the way they want to go, and this time, I do not feel the same. I do not think that mom is necessarily qualified to teach full time at home. This is not based on personal feelings but rather experience. She is a loving caring mother, but I dont think that is enough. Not everybody is qualified to home school their children.
I am on board with "home schooling" as a concept and the benefits thereof. I dont think this should be a quick decision without careful prayer and self evaluation. I hate to risk our child falling back a grade while we experiment with this choice.
My thought is to go to public school, and search dilligently for another Christian school. I beleive the foundation for a childs Christian beliefs begin at home
I feel as though I am gettng attacked as if I am being negative, lacking faith, or just selfish if I gently and honestly question moms dedication to this serioius decision. I truly don't feel peace about it. I dont want our child to endure any more strife, or feel being drug in the middle than possible if I were to inquire about progress. If in a public or private school, I would have no problem talking with a teacher, or their superior regarding methods or anything else. To find out what I need to be focusing on at home to improve the encourage the quality of education.
Even in a calm, professional mannner, I ave only expressed a need to understand more about this decision and I already strike a nerve with mom. Just asking questions about it got me feeling like I was being attacked.
I can see if I want to be a part of this, it will be viewed as scrutinizing and negative. I am working hard to keep this non personal, bridle my tongue and stay calm and strong.
To be blunt, over the years, I have seen no evidence of the kind of committment level and qualifications required to be a successful home school teacher. Not being critical either as I myself do not believe I have that dedication. I think it takes a special person to implement structure of this sort. My concern for our child is strong and I will have to ask the hard questions before this is over. I am praying (seriously) for guidance as I am afraid that if they force me in the corner, I will choose public schools.
Any comments will be appreciated.

Good Bible Study Curriculum (or un-curriculum) for pre-teen boy?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:48:44 GMT

We homeschool and my 12-yr-old son ASKED for a Bible Study booklet of some type where he can read his Bible and fill in answers in some type of book. I would want it to be something where it wasn't just fill-in-the-blank, but also thought-provoking questions.

I looked in our local Christian store and they did not have anything along the lines of what I'm looking for. Anything good and solid, but geared to his level?

Iron Man 2 - AC/DC?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 12:00:12 GMT

Dear Friends,

I am interested in taking my son to see Iron Man 2. However I am very concerned about the exrtent of AC/DC songs in the film. Having been an ardent AC/DC fan in the past, before my conversion many years ago, I know very well the corruption in this music and while willling to endure one or two instrumental versions as part of the sound track, I would be very unhappy with sitting through many of their songs especially if the lyrics are included during the film itself (music on the credits is less worrying as we can leave!)

Could you let me know how many AC/DC songs are going to be used during the film?

I guess I am not the only parent in the world that doesnt want to have ot listen to songs like:

Highway to Hell

Rock and Roll Damnation

Hell aint a Bad Place to be

If You Want Blood (You've Got It!)

Shoot to thrill

Hells Bells

etc etc etc.

AC/DC have a new album out of 15 of their songs call Iron Man 2 but it is unclear whether all these songs are actually inthe film or not.

If you can help us this would be most appreciated! (As we are hoping to go in the next few days)

Confused in need of some advise!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:39:37 GMT

I am new to this site, before I finally signed up I have been reading some of the discussions and I was pleased by the active support everyone provides. So here I am hoping to get the same type of response and support.

My situation is quite long to tell but briefly here it goes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 yrs now and 1 year on and off. Since we got back together, we have made a home with our now 5 month old son. However we have been having many conflicts since pretty much my pregnancy for different reasons which one of them was marriage and the pressure from family. We are still not married and we can't seem to go without an argument for more than a month. We can't seem to see each other eye-to-eye on many things but we are still trying everyday to make this work for th sake of our son and for the sake of our love. In fact, about 2 weeks ago I asked him that I need my space just to think things through but he didn't want to because he wants that to be our last resort. So now we are planning to get counseling.

But I need help on this one:

Last week we found out that one of our mutual friend"s (who grew up with him) father passed. So this past Sunday, on father's day, the friend's family had a last minute memorial service for the family in the US who didn't get to attend the funeral overseas. Mind you that I had been planning father's day for a few weeks now. I was so excited because this year we haven't celebrated not even 1 holiday because either we were fighting or something else was coming up. Anyways- on Saturday evening is when he mentioned that Sunday morning he would be attending the service but he never mentioned the plans that we had so in my head I assumed that we were still doing it after this service. The same night he mentioned the service a couple of times, so then I asked him well how about our plans. That's when he said "yea, about that...can we postpone it?" just in case he decides to stay there all day. Man, at first I really tried my best to reason and agree, but I couldn't find it in me...so he quickly changes his mind after he saw that I was upset and says well we'll do it after we come back. Basically, I inisted that he gives a range of time like btn 2-3pm or 4pm, for him to give something so I can plan my day accordingly. At that point he got upset because I failed to see that he was grieving and that I was being insensitive. The night went downhill, at the end I was an emotional wreck. I apologized left and right. Things haven't been the same at all, he is very civil with me but I can't stand the tension.

Today I sent him an email apologizing and wrote back saying his heart is so far from getting over it but that he doesn't hate me and that he respects and that I am at least the mother of his child!!!!!

I don't know what to do!!!! I've never felt so guilty in my lifetime with him ! Please help and give advise on how to deal with this.

Thank you for your time !

Holding on or letting go?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 22:37:49 GMT

I have been married only 3 months and seperated for about a month.

My wife just filed for divorce after being seperated for only a month.

We never were good at communication. Or more to the point I was never good at it. I never had any friends in my life, only aquitances, so I had no idea how to talk or listen, especialy to woman. During our eight months of dating, when we were not together during the week, we would only text or email each other. Most of our together time was on the weekends, because I worked nights. When we finally got married the first month was good, but then I broke my foot on a weekend outing. I was there all the time. She began to see me as weak because i was not able to move much from our bed for 4 weeks. She is and has a tendancy to get angry and bitter very easily. never thought it would come my way.

Besides communication there where spiritual issues. She Loves Movies and will watch anything. I disagreed with her. She doesn't mind cursing when she's angry. I disapproved. She sees nothing wrong with gambeling. I disagreed. To bring up spiritual issues would always offend her, especially personal responsiblity when it comes to guarding our hearts and growing in Christ.

She then told me in our second month of marriage that she hates being married. She said in the third month that I do not make her happy. She said I am being judgmental and she doesn't want to change. Her heart seems to belong to the world.

My brother and my dad say I should let her go because she may be an unbeliever for she has more works of the flesh then of the spirit.

My counselor and a Friend of mine say I should stall the divorce?

It's a no contest divorce, she wants nothing, but out. Can I stall without the courts being involved? I want to wait and see if God will change her heart, but I don't want this to get ugly.

As far as reconciliation. We have not talked but once in this past month. That conversation was frivolous. She WILL not talk to me. Because we have disagreements that oppose her lifestyle she seems to want out of our marriage.

So should I Hold on and continue to pray for her that God will change her Heart or do I let her go and let God Change her heart someday in the future?

My 8yr old daughter is having trouble controlling her emotions, mainly anger. Help!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:37:51 GMT

Hello, my 8 yr old daughter is having real trouble controlling her anger. When she is disciplined or corrected, she stomps off or yells, "you're mean!" to me or her daddy. She just recently did this at school to a teacher, as well as doing things to 'pick on' other kids her age. She is much taller than everyone else her age - she looks like a 4th grader rather than a 2nd grader. Not sure if that plays a part. She also did something over the weekend that she has never, ever done, and that is take something that did not belong to her. She took some money out of her daddy's drawer and denied taking it when asked. She finally came clean, and we took several things away from her but she still somehow doesn't seem totally sorry. We are at a loss. Can someone please offer any suggestions? Help!

Forgive me, for I have sinned...my not so clean past.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 01 May 2010 02:25:13 GMT

I'm a Christian, I'm a wife, I'm a Christian, I'm a mother of two beautiful children. Yet, I'm a Christian, who has cheated.

About 5 years ago, I had an affair that started at work and lasted for 6 months. It was purely sexual. I was a new Christian then (accepted Christ in my life 2004)--yet why did I go there? Why did I let myself succomb (sp) to this evil thing.

I told my husband 6 months later and he forgave me. He blamed himself for my infidelity, I vowed to never do it again. I made good on my promise until a month ago.

My husband knows I love to flirt and knows I mean nothing by it, but seriously, why do I do it?

What can I do to stop this torrid cycle of abuse? Why do I find enjoyment out of having friendships/relationships with guys? Is it because I'm fat and some guys find that attractive? Is it because I'm not happy and I find myself wanting to be socially accepted? Why isn't my husband's love enough?

I know we as a couple need counseling, but first and foremost, are there any wives out there who are in the same boat?

how do I get my daughter to come home

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 12:39:03 GMT

my youngest daughter is almost 14 and while having a relationship with her has never been easy until recently we've been able to work through the ups and downs but about a week ago we got into one our our power struggles and she hasn't calmed down since. During the fight she said she was done with her dad and I and our *#*#* rules and going to live with a friend - we compromised and said if she didn't want to be at home she could go to her grandparents. She spent five days there and with her aunt/uncle before asking to come home and live with her friend. Have been in constant communication with friend's mom and living with them is not an options (for us or them) BUT we didn't argue with her and let her go to her friends for the night to hear it from them that she couldn't stay long term (she also asked her uncle and grandparents if she could live with them and they said no).... She's so angry that she is exaggerating everything, got in a physical fight with a classmate while at a community event, tells us to just go ahead and send her to the girls home we keep threating her with (?) .... I have no idea what to do. She was at home for a few hours yesterday and neither her dad or I tried discussing anything with her but she would go from making saracastic remarks, telling the dogs how much she'd miss them to coming up and giving me hugs and saying love you mommy..... please help!

Paying for others people's sins

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 08:01:34 GMT

We just watched this tour last night and something struk me about the #1 and #2 items for women and men being attepted suicide being treated in Great Britian's hostpitals. I recalled a clip from the movie Sicko, where Great Britian has a socialistic-ish healthcare system. All the tax payers are paying for the sins or attempted sins of their country. What gives?

But it occurs to me that most health care issues are self inflicted.

Smoking -> Lung cancer

Eating lots of fatty meats -> Heart Attack

Not getting enough sleep, not eating right, not keep a semi-clean environment ... -> lower immune system -> illnesses.

etc.

I know America's Healthcare system is in tormoil but a socalistic approach is not the answer.

But I can see Del's point where the world wants to sin and Christians are the enemy.

Starting Out As Friends

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 08:28:03 GMT

Alistair Begg mentions twice in, The Search for a Godly Spouse" that "We should never assume that a friendship is going to be more than friendship when it begins." Do you struggle with this?

Your Parenting Questions Webcast: Mother-daughter closeness

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:17:13 GMT

I am married and the mother of 4. Our two older kids are married, leaving a 13 year old daughter and 10 year old son at home. I have always had a very open relationship with our two oldest; although I know they didn't share everything with me, they went out of their way to seek my advice and share their thoughts and feelings with me. We still have that relationship. Our 13 yr. old daughter is very different; she is not as compliant as her brothers and sister, we don't talk as often, and she doesn't open up to me easily. I really worry about our relationship. Although there is no question that she knows I love her and she will express her love to me on occasion, I miss the closeness I had with her brother and sister. How can I make sure our relationship is strong and intact to weather whatever comes up in the next few years?

8 year old gets sad during baseball game

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 07:55:52 GMT

My 8 year old is very focused. During his baseball games this season, he would get upset when he struck out, grounded out, or walked somebody when he pitched. He would get what we call a "boo-boo" face on. He would be visually upset, not crying, but as close as you can get. This would not happen all of the time, but a lot of the time. He had a very good season and did not have to deal with failure a lot, but when he did not succeed, we were ready for the emotions. He even got sad during practices with us if he was not doing as well as he normally does. We would always try to tell him just to try his hardest and that is all he can do. We watch baseball games on TV with him and show him how the major leaguers even strike out and make errors. He is smart and appears to get it, but then doesn't handle it well himself. I have gotten to the point that I have told him if the getting upset continues, that we may have to take a break from playing, as it is supposed to be a game he plays for fun. What do I do?

Direction needed - My marriage is on the edge, my wife can't forget the hurt.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:02:08 GMT

My wife and I have been married since July of last year, so about 15 months. We attend church faithfully, and both have a desire to do what is right. When things are good, they are great; however when they are bad, they are nuclear meltdown bad. Our problem is that before she and I were ever together I was promiscuous and enjoyed going to a party, I lied to her about how promiscuous I was. I foolishly waited until after we were married for less than a month to tell her that I had lied about my promiscuity. I realize now that was a big mistake, she deserved to know everything before hand. I told her because I was under a deep conviction. We went through a really really difficult time after I told her. Things have gotten much better (at times). I have never cheated on her (although, she says that what I did feels like it), nor have I ever considered it. The problem we have is she is not able to move past "WHY", why I did this with these girls, why should she believe that she is my everything, how could she ever be enough. I have spent the last year and change trying to be a strong husband that loves her, by showing it, and telling her this. I have tried to explain that I made really poor decisions time after time. She is my all, and it kills me that she doesn't look at me as the man of her dreams. I need some direction on how to move past this, this seems like a unique situation, and I can't find much help. We went to counseling for a while after this happened, it only upset her at times more to discuss it. It did help to a certain extent. She refuses to go back to counseling because she doesn't want to drag it all out again. I am hurting in this situation as well, we are having the same conversations about what happened and why that we were a year ago. I want to help her heal, but her dragging it all out into the open time after time after time doesn't seem to be the way to heal. Her wounds seem to not be healing. We have fewer fights over this, but when we do they are just as intense. We had one of our biggest fights last night, I feel like I am losing her, and I feel distanced from her because of this as well.

Any help, any direction would be great.

Trusting the Lord with all my heart

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 03:47:11 GMT

My favorite verses are Proverbs 3:5,6. I always truly believed that I trusted the Lord with all my heart, until my husband was deployed. That trust surely was tested. I had just had our fifth child and my husband had to leave a few days after the birth. I am thankful he was able to see the baby, but hated he had to go. Now a month later, after a lot of praying and crying I can honestly say. I trust the Lord with ALL my heart and lean not unto my own understanding......My husband knows the Lord and I know there is someone there he needs to share the gospel with. My families focus is not how daddy is gone, but how God is going to use him while he is there.

Do I marry him with this much uncertainty?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 07:11:01 GMT

I'm engaged to a man that I fell in love with last fall. This would be a second marriage for both of us, and we each have a child. He is born-again and loves the Lord with all his heart. He's a wonderful father to his son, and is great with my daughter as well. The problem is, I'm having a lot of uncertainty about whether or not it is God's will for me to marry him.

One thing that holds me back is that he is a recovered alcoholic, and I see his addictive personality displayed in different areas (food for example, although you wouldn't think it to look at him- he's got a nice frame). I am a casual drinker, as are my family members that live close by. They wonder if this is something that would be of concern. Frankly, the thought of never again enjoying a glass of wine before bed seems hard to believe. But in the short time we've been engaged, I've somehow put that out of my head and asked God to completely take that desire away from me.

I'm also battling rumors from mutual friends that say horrible things about his ex, including that she's going to try to ruin our marriage. I haven't seen anything to this extent yet, so that's hard to believe, but they both know her a lot better than I do. Of course he denies this.

Then there's my parents who don't think he makes me a priority in his life. He spends a lot of time with his son and I'm usually the one suggesting date nights. I believe he is just out of touch with how to date, but it can be hurtful. He tells me how much he loves me, and how grateful he is for me all the time. We either spend evenings together after work or time together on the weekends as a family.

We've begun pre-marital counseling and feel it will be very beneficial. But I don't want to lead him on if it seems unlikely that this is what God wants for me. I would appreciate any advice! Thanks.

please pray for my marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:24:28 GMT

my prayer request is just to know the right decision to make regarding my marriage. my wife recently confessed to me that she has had a relationship with another guy for the last 18 months. i dont know how she managed to hide it from me for this long. we got married 6 months ago. its mostly only a phone relationship but she has had intercourse with him since we've been married. she got to feeling guilty and told me.

i think she was expecting me to be furious and ask for a divorce. as hurt as i am i told her that our marriage was a committment and i would do everything i could to work it out, painful as it may be for me. she told me shes not sure she wants to work it out as she loves this other guy and cant just end things with him. i thought she was strongly against divorce but now she says it might be the best thing.

i believe divorce is wrong. i made a committment to her and god and i dont see it as an option. i can take the pain of all this and move on in our marriage but i need her to feel the same way. im praying she will realize what she did is wrong and cut ties with this guy and put full effort into our marriage. please pray god will work in her life and bring her back where she needs to be. im not sure why god is allowing this to happen to me.

Anyone create homework?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 02:20:21 GMT

I am leading TTP in a ladies small group. My leadership team would like me to have something for the participants to work on during the week, especially getting them in their Bibles in between meeting times. Does anyone have any ideas? Or perhaps someone has created "homework" for their group?

Thanks for any ideas.

I have tons of issues in my marriage can it be saved?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 00:34:54 GMT

There are a lot of things going on in my marriage. Lack of trust, respect, communication (on my part), the list goes on and on. I'm married to a military man for almost 18 years. He got deployed back in 2006, since that deployment things have been really crazy for us. While he was gone he was still trying to be in control (be the head of house) from Iraq. I thought I was helping out but handling things the best way I could. He wanted me to go live near his family when he got deployed and I choose to live on post with our five children. To him this was going against he decision.Things before then was not perfect but they were ok. Since returning home he says that I am still trying to be in charge of things. Things really got out of hand, I noticed him being on the internet a lot, when our oldest child moved out the house he turn her room into a office, and put the desk facing the door so if someone would come in he could stop doing what he was doing. Chatting with other females about our relationship. Back in March of last I confronted him about a co-work(female) who he was still in contact with more than he should have, we had just recently moved and I felt there should have not been any contact. He had no choice but to stop because I called the female, but since then he is no into facebook ALL the time talking chatting to a lot of different females and males. more females than male. I am a very confrontational and hot tempered type of person. So I have let him know how I feel and what I think about all of this. but there is no change. I do not communicate with him very well. When I do say something I am always saying something wrong or in the wrong way, or have an attitude towards him. I want to change my ways and do better but I don't know where to start. I can't change him or make him change but I can change my ways. Please give advice.

Characteristics?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 08:26:25 GMT

What are the top three characteristics you look for in the opposite sex?

my son's girlfriend

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:48:17 GMT

I have concerns about my son's girlfriend. How do I proceed in helping her? She does not eat with us as often as before and when she does she excuses herself from the table immediately to us the bathroom. She is always hungry, but eats little at the table, talks about skipping meals and her energy level is low, she is usually tired. She is 18 years old and will start he second year of college in the fall.

Thanks

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 23:56:40 GMT

Thank you for providing a safe place on the internet for us to talk out our issues and concerns. I have not found a Christian bulletin board where I felt safe posting my personal issues and felt confident that I would get biblical advice and support. I really just wanted to say great job to all the moderators and thank you so very much!!

Abuse in a difficult marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:36:28 GMT

Can a spouse thrive despite a difficult marriage if that marriage involves abusiveness?

You Still Have To Date When You Are Married

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:06:49 GMT

You Still Have To Date When You Are Married

The one lesson that I learned early on in my marriage when the children came was that I had to hire babysitters and keep them on my payroll. It was a time in my marriage when my wife and I did not go anywhere together because we were either tired or we did not have a babysitter. I had to change that situation immediately because my wife and I had to spend some time together alone away from the children and have some fun. I realized that even though we are married I still have to make time to plan things, make reservations, and take my wife out on a date. I also had to get my wife away from the kids once in a while. My wife and I will go out on a date and enjoy spending time together and the fire of love between us will be blazing even stronger. You realize how much you needed to get away from home and the children when you are dating your spouse. It is a feeling of relief that the two of you really needed to spend time alone together. Carwin Dover a relationship coach for Intentional Partnership who’s been married over 30 years says that the hecticness of work, community service projects, church activities and family often relegates a marriage relationship to the bottom of the list. At times, it's necessary to give attention to others. It's also important to keep something else in mind. Your spouse is the one most likely to be with you when you're walking around with a cane! With that in mind, take time to date your spouse regularly. Here are a few reasons why (by Carwin Dover):

1. MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS ARE DYNAMIC. They're alive and always changing. They need to be fed and stimulated to stay alive.

2. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE. Dating is a good way to create a safe environment. Your spouse is more likely to let you know "what's new!"

3. INVEST IN THE FUTURE. Just like a savings account — it's easier to add a little to an existing account and watch it grow than to start a new one from scratch. That's because the interest grows exponentially over time.

4. YOU GOT MARRIED BECAUSE YOU DATED! It only stands to reason that a good way to stay married is to keep dating.

5. MARRIAGE CAN BE COMPARED TO A SET OF TIRES. During the course of driving, there's normal wear and tear. Dating serves to maintain alignment, balance, and pressure. When done well, your marriage will last a lifetime.

6. DATING IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO FOCUS. Day in and day out, various distractions, pull your attention away from your spouse. Dating each other helps you to refocus on the person at the top of your priority list.

7. REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES! A good date will often bring up pre-marriage memories. Recalling memories can generate anticipation for your next meeting.

8. CREATE YOUR FUTURE. Dating lays the framework for future family gatherings. Great dates attract your spouse and family to want to spend time with you.

9. LAUGHTER'S THE BEST MEDICINE. It must be true. Laughing together makes it possible to hurt together when you must.

10. REMIND YOUR SPOUSE, "I LOVE YOU!" There are many ways to say, "I love you!" A date is one of the special ways to honor your spouse.

TRY IT STARTING THIS WEEK! Set up 5 dates with your spouse. Reserve them on your calendar. Plan, anticipate and have fun.

Dating your spouse is a sure way to keep the fire blazing in your marriage.

Also here is a little idea that works. Buy all your Valentines's gift for your spouse in the mouth of January and give it to them.

Our privilege

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:07:16 GMT

In this tour Dr. Tackett briefly stated that after redemption we still have sin…why? And then he goes on not answering the question.

Obviously God could remove all sin from us via redemption obliterating any sin nature but He does not. I suppose that if He did we would exist here sinless as Christ himself and the world would not and could not stand for a moment our presence.

God convicts with his Holy Spirit and should the world be confronted with multitudes of sinless Christians it would kill every one of them as it did Christ alone. Needless to say as redeemed sinners we offer testimony, empathy, sympathy, and compassion to others who suffer from the same condition(s) of sin. God uses his servants to spread his word, share his love and demonstrate his power of redemption, through mere jars of clay.

What a privilege to pick up our cross daily and take it to the lost.

Difficult Decisions

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 15:54:41 GMT

My wife and I (we are committed Christians) are at a tough decision making point.

History:

Our 16 year old son has been a great student (A's and B's), very active athlete, and solid kid for his whole childhood. But he is extremely social and loves to hang with lots of friends. In the last two years we have battled him lying and stretching our rules and values outside of our boundaries. My wife and I have been actively fighting this hard but are losing the battle and - now - are concerned we could lose the war.

The first battles were over girls - and particularly his girlfriend - who in the last 90 days has gone too far sexually. We involved her parents and took away his car and phone. In the last 45 days, alcohol and pot smoking has hit the scene and now the battle is significantly more serious.

To make matters worse, his high school - which is pretty safe relatively speaking - has a wave of alcohol and pot use that is hitting his sophomore class hard. Most of the jocks and popular kids are jumping on board too. So what was a relatively safe playground of friends - has become a jungle.

To make matters worser - I am a 25 year recovering alcoholic, with alcoholism running harshly through my family tree - and my son has so many pre-addictive tendencies that has him statistically a big risk.

Game Plan:

My wife and I in short order are now needing to figure what our next moves are. What we are thinking is:

1. Immediate plan - 100% no tolerance of any drinking or drug use, a dramatic tightening of his friend circle (with parents present at all times during social events). And if he breaks these rules (and I won't bore you with the entire structure) - we - without negotiation move to #2 below.

2. If our son does not adhere to this - we are researching sending him to a Christian based Residential Treatment facility (we heard of a place called Captsone) or fulltime residential high school that we send him to. We need help knowing our options here.

3. We are fast looking for a good Christian summer camp for teens - that might be a great influence. (Not just fun and sports focused. But also hitting these teen issues hard).

In some ways this has all happened so fast, in other ways we have been battling this since 7th grade. But the progression of alcohol, drugs, and sex on the scene now in the past 3 months - has us at a critical point.

I would really like some practical input and encouragement on point #1 above. And also some ideas about points #2 above - if he breaks the rules again. We are very closely connected with him in a great relationship. So he understands through our talk with him - that if he breaks the rules on point #1 - we will pull the trigger on something significantly more drastic. So we just need to know what our next move will be in point #2 if his social environment is just too unsafe - and he is too incapable of making the good decisions to stay of of these dangerous bahviors. And some great camp referrals for point #3 would be appreciated as well.

Thanks!

How do I help my kids get thru my divorce?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 11:44:04 GMT

I was married to my husband for 17 yrs. We met in Bible college and went straight into the ministry. We traveled often for the ministry. Our kids enjoyed going to new places and meeting new people. They would sing at different meetings, and have made many friends. They are struggling with issues because their dad was a preacher and their family fell apart. They are ashamed and don't want people to know. I fear they will turn from God. Their dad as moved to another state. He is about 3 hours away. He sees them irregularly. When he does they always come home wishing they hadn't gone. My 14 & 11 yr girls refuse to see him. They have not seen him in 5 months. My 13 & 10 yr old boys havn't seen him in 4 wks. He came yesturday to spend the day with them they only ones that were willing to go were the 5 & 6 yr old girls. They are too young to understand all that has happened. He did a lot of lying in the pulpit. The older kids understand how much lying that has taken place and all the strange behavior. I am new to all of this and I struggle with what to tell the kids. My son told me yesturday, other people know more about what is happening in my family than I do. I wish you would tell me everything! I don't know how much to tell the kids. Some one please help!

Where do I go to get the information?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:55:08 GMT

You've answered me preliminarily, but what I want to ask is, you say never to get into student debt and you have horror stories. Can we read some of those stories to find out why you are so vehemently opposed to student loans so we can come to an informed opinion of our own? It would be a much firmer opinion than if it comes from you, becuase we will have heard the stories ourselves. I know for me, it's the only way I could have gone to school.

Wendy

Christian school/public school choices?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 18:46:41 GMT

My daughters go to Christian school right now. They are kinder and 2nd grade. My husband and I are wondering how long we will keep them in Christian school. Should we put them in public school once they get to junior high/high school? I'm aware of all the evils of public school. But I'm wondering if letting them venture out of their Christian world will help them exercise their faith in a less accepting environment and prepare them for the real world. Any thoughts?

2,000 Year Old Earring

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 13:25:11 GMT

A 2,000 Year Old earring has been discovered in Jerusalem. This gives insight into the lives of the elite in the Holy City around the time of Christ. How did Jesus approach the elites, compared to his approach to the poor?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081110/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_israel_ancient_jewelry

New baby and marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:30:02 GMT

I need your prayers. My husband and I have four children. We have had a rough time the last two years financially, but we are surviving. Thankfully we are both pretty "go with the flow" kind of people. We just had a new baby four months ago and he is a beautiful gift. I homeschool our oldest child and we also have a 4 yo and a 2 yo. My husband recently started a new job that is for a great company, but it does not pay enough to support our family. Oh, and we are both going to school. Frankly, right now the only way we are surviving is because of school loans.

But all of that is not the reason I am writing. I adore my husband. He has made my life better. I needed him and I am grateful for him. At this point though I do not desire him and do not feel close to him in any way. We co-exist and we both need and deserve better. Quite frankly I don't even know how to pray. I have no desire to be anywhere else, but I do want here to be better. Any words or wisdom would be greatly appreciated as would your prayers. Thank you.

The 411 on BFF's Webcast: Hypocrisy?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 19 May 2010 17:36:22 GMT

My question is about trying to be friends with "Christians" who are hypicritical.

You know the type, "act one way at church, and another way out in the real world"

OR how about FRIENDS on facebook that clearly represent themselves one-way and you actually know them in person, and that is NOT who they really are.

I can't stand Christian hypocrisy!!!

Special needs looking for others...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:37:14 GMT

Hi! I'm a mom with a son with special needs. I can't beleive there is not one thing on here about children with special needs. I've been looking and looking. This is a site for parents, right? Anyway, thought I'd start a discussion; I can't be the only one. My son has albinism (albino), sensory processing disorder, ADD, autism, and developmental delays. He's amazing. He just turned 3, and he lights up my life. I have ups and downs, good days and bad. My son almost didn't come into this world. I was told that I would NEVER have children due to my health. I have 2! My oldest, who I just described, and a 4 month old, who was a preemie. I got pregnant with him a month before a scheduled hystorectomy. Why children are born in certain situations, who knows, I'm not God. I accept my kids and I know God has this amazing plan and purpose for them. Why do people have to fot our HUMAN definition of normal and smart and typical, for them to be perfect in God's eyes. I know people who pray everyday for their special needs child to be healed. If God wants to give my son a more "typical" understanding of the world etc... then that's fine. If God wants to keep him the way he is, that's fine. My son isn't sick so why should I beg for him to be different, does that mean he's not good enough? I want to embrace and love him. By being this way, he may be able to accomplish things in life that you or I could never do because we aren't wired that way. Praying for healing, in my opinion, for something like this is like me praying to have a different personality, or mad that God didn't put me in a genius category. I accept who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Anyway, that's my rant. I would love to find other familes who want vent, laugh, and share about our lives in this "unique" situation of raising very SPECIAL children. My husband and I are leaders of and involved in some local special needs groups, but we are looking for those of like minded faith... OTHER CHRISTIANS. Please feel free to post anything!

Single Grandpaent

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 01:05:09 GMT

I have been reaising my grandson for 4 years and the parents still don't show signs that they are interested in taking him home, but then they are selfish and only talk big but nothing. I am not afraid I can't do it, because I can what I can't seem to get is that my life is over pretty much that all my friends have moved on and I am here with this little guy trying to make it all happen and I do so much but I feel and know I will never have my own life again, I am 55 years old and I just want to be around others my age doing the same thing, but there are not really any support groups or forums for me to talk with people my own age, sounds silly huh, but it's true. I wish there was a group of outgoing people who get together and do weekend things, like hiking camping or other activities. I am always on the go, I work full time but manage to make things happen for us so that he doesn't get bored and I don't go stir crazy..

Grief

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 12:40:57 GMT

My son died this past February from the flu. I am a Christian and devoted fully to the Lord but this has really thrown me. I have tried the groups and even an online group but there are so many unbiblical ideas out there. Is there any help.

Frustrated husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 16:08:21 GMT

Got a question.Im a stay at home dad since I've become unemployed.I clean the house, do laundry, take care of our 6 yr old, as my wife works. We also have her mother living with us.But whenever my mom buys me something, or we do something together;or i go do something by myself, my wife gets upset. Shes more of a homebody.She says she gets resentful at me and my mom. I'ts like she doesnt want me to do or get anything without her getting or doing.I feel like I cant do or get anything without her. She does things by herself and buys whatever she wants, without asking me, and thats fine. But, should i feel guilty? theres like a double standard. any suggestions? doesnt it seem a little selfish on her part? thanx!

Are you a private chauffeur?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 09:21:42 GMT

Has anyone had the experience of someone expecting you to drive them around like a private chauffeur or free taxi service? Last summer a little girl and boy who live about 2 blocks from us came to VBS and ever since their mother seems to think I offer a free taxi service. I have taken her to a job interview and to get her food stamps, which were probably legitimate reasons. And I've taken her places when it was convenient and I was already planning to run errands. I also pick up the children for midweek church activities. (The parents have never come to a church service.) I have also refused when it was not convenient - like last Saturday afternoon when I was trying to finish laundry and get ready for a family outing and she wanted me to pick up some carry-out fried chicken she had ordered. A neighbor could have picked it up with their order but she thought she could get someone else (me!) to get it instead. No, I'm sorry, I'm busy.

Yesterday was the one that broke the camel's back. In the morning I took her to the video store so she could buy a new video that was coming out. We "had" to be there at 10 when the store opened so she could be at the head of the line. Since I needed to go to a nearby hardware store I just dropped her off, but in a few minutes when I got back to the video store, she was not there. After waiting about 10 minutes she finally came back from the store next door. Just as I got back home at 11:45 from finishing my errands, the phone rang and she wanted to know if I was busy. Well, yes, my husband and son were due home for lunch in a few minutes. Then at 1:30 I was in the bathroom taking care of business when the doorbell rang - twice. Followed by loud knocking. Guess who? I almost didn't answer because it was very inconvenient, but I have been expecting a repairman and thought it could be him. She wanted me to take her up the street (no more than 4 blocks) to a restaurant to pick up something. That's when I lost it and told her I could not be her private chauffeur.

We live in a small town and the only public transportation requires 24-hour advance notice, which of course won't work for her when she wants to order carry-out! Also, she has never offered to pay gas money but that's a minor issue to me. I feel that it is a positive Christian witness to take her when I can but I also feel that she is taking advantage of me. My husband reminded me yesterday that Jesus rebuked the crowd when they were only following him for free bread so I don't need to feel guilty for refusing her at times.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation or have any suggestions?

13-Year Old Daughter Wants to Group Date. What should I do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 02 May 2010 01:22:53 GMT

I'm the father of a 13-year old girl. Most of her girl friends have had "boy interests", and "gone out" with boys. She has found a Christian young man that she has asked for our blessing to "go out" with. My wife and I are trying to wrap our minds around this concept, although I do remember "going out" with a girl at this age. We certainly are not going to allow one on one dating until 17 years old. But our daughter wants to be able to hang out at the mall, pizza house, and go to the movies with a group of friends, along with her prospective boyfriend, without an adult chaperone. I believe that she is a trustworthy, spirit-led young girl, but is allowing her to hang with her friends on this basis giving too much at her age?

I want to run away

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 23:48:55 GMT

I really want to run away. Married, two kids ages 6 and 3. I am basically a single parent while my husband works and is in school. I am hurting so badly. I get no support from my family. I work full time. I'm exhausted when I get home. My in laws baby sit for us, but it is like a job for them. When I get home they are out the door before I bat an eye. They never ask how I am doing. I feel so unloved. They do so much more for my sister-in-law who is also not their daughter and have practically raised her kids. I am so dissapointed in this family. I thought once I got married in a christian family things would be great, I get treated differently than the rest of the family. I do more. I take care of my kids and have always done everything for them. I am tired of the way I am treated. I am always last, always. Everyone and everything come ahead of me. I know I am not their daughter, but shouldn't I be loved too. I have to drive over an hour to my parent's house just to have a sitter so I can go to the doctor. They put my sister in laws kids to bed for her, but after a 13 hour day, there is no consideration for me. No one checks on us when my husband is out of the country. I am alone with my kids. My sister in law has never been alone with her kids, ever. I would rather have an atheist family that loves me than this. This is just a crock! They criticize my parenting too. Well, I am alone, tired, overworked, and stressed. I may not be the best parent, but I love my boys. I have been and always will be their mom. Today my mother in law tells me the kids behave better with them, than with me. Talk about hurtful! I never get encouragement from them. I want to just run away from them all!

My SuperDad!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 11:10:05 GMT

My dad is by far the best earthly father I could ask for. I am forever a Daddy's girl and my dad has taught me so many valuable things: the importance of work ethic - no matter the outcome, to never give up and most importantly he has been an amazing example of a Godly man of integrity to me. He has made it hard for men in my life to live up to my idea of the perfect man, but in a couple months, my daddy will be walking me down the aisle. My SuperDad will always have a place in my heart.

How do I tell him Im pregnant, again?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 11:16:55 GMT

My husband and I have 2 wonderful children, one of which is pretty difficult to handle. Money and time are already really stretched. I know he doesnt want another baby right now and frankly niether do I; but lately he's been saying he doesnt really want to have any more at all. So how do I tell him Im pregnant? And the worse part is none of these three children were planned, so Im scared he'll think I did it on purpose.

Firewife

Dichotomy or/and Trichotomy - Are we triune man or not?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:43:12 GMT

I read the additional points on Dichotomy vs Trichotomy from Del. It is interesting as I never realized there was anything but trichotomy. I always believed a Triune God created us in His image, as triune human. So this new term, well actually both are new to me, I began to look up the words in the verses used in Del's additional commentary. I see his point, but it cuts across the grain of something I somehow have believed for over 25 years, and that is we are 3 in one, just as God is 3 in one since we are created in His image.

So I used the Greek and Hebrew Lexicons along with Strong's to see what I could discover. It has been enlightening. Now when I first was born again in 1983 for some reason the first verse of scripture I came upon and committed to memory was Hebrews 4:12. And ever since then the verse has always fit well into my understanding of being a triune human, body, soul, and spirit, such as Jesus is the body of God, The Father is the soul of God, and then there is the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God. Likewise since we are created in His image, we have a body, a soul, and a spirit which is the breath of God that gives our physical bodies life, and the soul is the thread which ties the spirit to the body, that being our personality, will, character, emotions, and mind. I am no scholar so I have done my best and decided I would bring this discussion here.

I attempted to paste my word study here, but it is too long. I have attached the MS Word document instead. It is 3 pages and not long on content but I kept the outlined format from the Lexicons when entering the definitions.

It is not my desire to get into any arguments here, or to defend a particular position. My intention is for discovery, because lately I have run across some ideas circulating in the Body of Christ I was never aware of for all the years I have been born again, and now I am finding ideas which are contrary to things I have believed without question. I still stand pretty firm on everything I have believed for all these years, but I am puzzled how I never ran across these ideas until recently, because as I research these I find they some have been around for hundreds of years. I am blown away, and perplexed, as if I have been living in some type of bubble somehow.

So far in my study of this topic, I find I am still persuaded toward the trichotomist view point, but see nothing wrong in believing otherwise. I do not believe this is related to obtaining the free gift of eternal life from our Heavenly Father whatsoever.

Blessings to all who desire to particpate. I think this will be a short lived thread, but an interesting one all the same.

DocWaton (Roy)

Bringing our Prodigal Daughter Home

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 May 2010 07:09:10 GMT

So here I go in sharing my heart out to those of you who read this and give me advice, and stand with me in prayer.

We have a twenty year old daughter who has decided to treat herself for depression with the use of medical marijuana. She has a medical card, and is now working at a dispensary as a receptionist.

She is the youngest of 5 children, was always involved in church, was a great student, worked at our Capital at the age of 16 as a Congressional Page, and even went to college her freshman year. What happen? When we found out she was using this evil drug, I kicked her out of the house, against my husbands wishes. I truly regret doing this, and things have gotten worse.

Our hearts are shattered and torn beyond anything we have ever felt before. We don't know where to turn for help, I know that I have to get myself into some kind of counseling as to how to deal with this heartbreaking issue.

My husband and I are not on the same page. I want him to bring her home, I want him to have the dispensary shut down, have her arrested, admitted, SOMETHING! I am desperate for some answers.

My husband reads his bible, and prays but there is no action. I feel a father has a responsibility to his children regardless of their age, and to fight for them whatever the cost. He is tired of my crying, and all I want is for him to bring her home and to reassure me that all will be okay.

Another thing I want to do do is to get involved in getting all the dispensaries shut down, keeping marijuana illegal, "the new cigarette"

This is truly affecting our young adults. My daughter still goes to church and believes she is right with God. She says it's a new generation and lots of our Christian kids are using, and thinking it's okay. Scary!

We were always so close and did everything as a family together. I thought I knew her. Her sisters and brothers are also devastated.

Please pray and stand with me for our daughter.

momsie58

Three years and no friends yet

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:17:02 GMT

We moved to another state, far from our families, three years ago for my husband to take a youth pastor position. We were excited about this church for many reasons, including the fact that it has a large group of people our age (mid-to-late 30s), as opposed to our old church, which was mostly older people.

Three years later, my husband's ministry is going great and he's always getting compliments on how well he's doing. Our kids have friends and seem happy. But my husband and I have no friends. We feel like we have made efforts to make relationships, but out of all those people our age, no one has extended their hand to us. It seems like everyone already has their relationships and they want to keep them the way they are.

People are definitely friendly, but it's as though an invisible barrier has been put in place. People will be friendly and chat with us, but, in an unspoken way, it's been made clear that they don't want our relationship to advance past that.

I've been troubled by this for about a year, and I guess I let it go on too long because I've now been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (with no previous history of depression) and have started taking anti-depressants. This has made me bitter and resentful, and these are feelings I don't want to have toward my church family. I have recently tried to start making friendships outside church, which I should have tried earlier, because my depression leaves me too emotionally exhausted to start on relationships from scratch at this point. I have pulled out of most of my husband's youth group activities and programs because I've realized I cannot continue to minister to others without having my own relationships to be fed by. And I worry about my husband burning out eventually for the same reason.

I'm just angry that these people expect us to invest in their children but refuse to invest in us. And now I'm reading that lack of relationships is common with ministry families. I've been either a minister's kid or minister's wife all my life and I've never experienced this before. I've certainly never lived anywhere this long without relationships. I just want to stop hurting and being so resentful toward my church family.

I did share my feelings with someone at church who I trust, and she said that I'm the 4th minister's wife at our church (over a span of about 20 years) that has shared similar feelings with her.

Does this happen to anyone else? And what is the reasoning behind it? We hear from the pulpit regularly that we should welcome people in, but we can't welcome our own pastors and their families?

What do I do when he talks about separation but won't decide?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 18:44:34 GMT

Hi, everyone. I bought and read "Love Must be Tough" and really appreciated it. It helped me gain my footing back and behave with dignity when he first started throwing divorce/separation talk around. In our case, there's no other woman yet. But we've had a tough time together ever since the time our daughter was born ten years ago and he never really stepped fully into the responsibilities of parenting and leading the family. He brought with him into the marriage a biological tendency to depression as well as a truly passive-aggressive coping style and a tendency to hoard. I did not respond well to what I saw as emotional abandonment and did vent anger for a period of time and did withdraw from him when he withdrew from me. I was never a chaser/clinger with him, although I fully understand why some people are driven to that.

So my question is, what on earth do I do when he talks about separation/divorce and says he's been thinking about it for the past year? He's on antidepressants, is in therapy (although I went to an inner-healing pastoral counselor, thinking I could rejoin him for marriage therapy later, but now he's refusing to let me in so he can keep his individual therapy). Meanwhile, he's sitting on the fence, looking at apartments every time I do something he doesn't like, ISN'T involved romantically with another woman, and seems to be trying to goad me into making him leave so he can look like the victim. We have a precious child and I married this man for life. I don't know what to do when he's saying he's considering how to get a place away from me that we can afford, then wants to go see a movie with me the same night. Help! I am trying to surrender my marriage to God, but how do I get through each day in the meantime while he dithers and my stomach is in knots? Thank you.

One or many?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:15:10 GMT

OK, so just recently I had an idea brought up to me. So, all my life I have believed God has just one person out there for us to be with for the rest of our lives. Then someone brought up the idea that there are more than one person for us that we could be compatible with for the rest of our lives. What do you all believe?

Beginning new church with negativity

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:44:15 GMT

Hello.
I will soon be the new pastor of a small church. I already pastor one church of 30 attendees with service at 11am.

The other church of 15-20 attendees is losing their pastor and so I have been appointed to lead this church, but the service time will change from 11a.m to 9:30 to allow me to travel to the larger church ten miles away. I will be leading two churches.

There has been a report that 3-4 members have stated they will not come to a 9:30 am service. The negativity has already started before I even arive in July. What recommended steps would you take to curtail this negative feeling so the chruch has a decent chance at being a strong church even with the change?

One thought I have already thought of was to go a introductory letter to all members of the church before I arrive.

What is your recommendation?

+Moderator's Note: This post was edited to eliminate identifying information, which we strongly discourage. Please visit our "Welcome to the Parsonage Message Boards" page for further review of our guidelines on creating and posting anonymous messages to this forum. Thanks!+

Is it appropriate for teens to scare their parents ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:24:37 GMT

My teenage boy intentionally scared his Step-Mom. I felt this was inappropriate and told him so. He didn't believe me. Am I off with this or is this something that seems inappropriate to others as well ?

Dr. Tacketts illustration of "modes" of man (Who is Man; Lesson 3)

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:58:46 GMT

In class last night the "modes" were challenged considering the state of an infant. Is a child considered in the "fallen state" at birth and before redemption. If death befalls the child is the exit into "hell". Dr. Tackett appears to only draw a path beyond hell through redemption. (Note) The belief involved with the questioner is redemption through the confession of sin(s) and baptism into the body of Christ which has not occurred with an infant. We also baptize through a confession of "accountability". We have no problem with the "fallen state" of mankind; the question is what is the state (mode) of an "unknowing" child?

~Discouraged woman~

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 01:16:41 GMT

hello everyone my situation is quite discouraging for me. My husband and I have not had sexual relations in about a month. He has all kinds of dsire and passion for me but for me there is no desire there and if I did it it would just be that doing it. want to desire to make love to him again. He works hard so we do not get a lot of time with one another and most of the time we do have together is just routine everyday things. I want to passionatley be there for him to fufill his needs but I do not want to feel like it is an obligation. I want it to be special. are there any suggestions out there that might help? Thanks for listening and keep us in your prayers.

No attraction, no sex in sex addicted marriage

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:01:47 GMT

I am really struggling with this issue. My husband moved out of our bedroom 6 months ago. He can barely kiss me.. he thinks that things will just return and if they don't he can leave. He blames me for so many things.. I am not the one that risked STDs, that ran up bills with prostitute, strip clubs, littered our computer with porn I feel that while I have responsibility I enabled accepted unacceptable behaviour etc. it is still his job to fix things.

We do pray together every day, we are both in 12 step groups and therapy. He says he loves me but it isn't in love with me. We have been together 24 years I have a lot invested here. I keep thinking about what the Bible says when it says basically be intimate and sexual except for with agreement and to pray and come back together. Well that isn't what this is. I know someone who moved out his wife's room for 10 years and then he found a girlfriend.. I don't think my husband would do that... but I am not going to wait that kind of time. Has anyone had this and been able to overcome this? Are there any good books on this subject? He is clean and I do want to rebuild with him... but I'm sorry I'm been sexually deprived enough while he was getting his with masturbation or other women he is clean now for the first time in our marriage and I am a normal woman I have needs also. Does anyone have any suggested resources specifically for rebuilding the spark/sexual relationship? Especially something Christian.. he is fortunately very interested in God.

By the way the one reason we are not divorced is RCA...
http://www.recovering-couples.org/

How do we Decide on a Church?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 03 May 2010 21:38:41 GMT

My husband and I were married almost a year ago and have been trying to agree on a church for more than a 2 years at least. I started attending my church in 1999 where I became a Christian a few months later. While I grew up in another church and in a Christian home, this particular church is where I learned in depth about who God is, what He did for me and how that affects my life. It's where I've served in missions, sang in the praise team and even worked part time as a youth assistant. In other words, I have dedicated a lot of time and energy and it has been worth it!

I also have a fantastic support system in this church and I dearly love the people there. I have seen the church grow from a Sunday average of about 500 to about 1600, so it's definitely changed in the 10+ years I've been there. I like the contemporary worship...I feel like I can just let go and worship God.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a rural, very small church with only a handful of families. After moving an hour away to our city, he plugged in to a church that was similar though a little bigger. After attending briefly, I enjoyed the people there, but the church wasn't growing and my husband realized that this wasn't a place he could raise a family. My husband didn't like my church because he disagreed with some things like having a female occasionally give the message (like once ever 2-3 months) and women being in certain leadership roles, feeling overwhelmed by such a large church and sometimes disagrees with the pastor when something is not done in an ultra traditional way. Our church uses language of the culture in order to teach counter-cultural truths. I.E. - might use a pop cultural song to link a sermon message or series or use a sitcom reference to get a point across.

While dating we talked about what we wanted in a church and explored some other churches, but I always was saddened with the fact that I would be losing my church family. I tried to ignore it, but often ended up in tears during a service because I wasn't ready to leave my church home. So we returned to my church home for now. We've been attending my church for over a year now, but we as a couple have yet to call it home. We were involved with a small group for a few months, but discontinued because of our schedules.

I hate feeling this way. We don't really talk about the issue because it's much easier to leave it be than to stir the pot. How do we decide on a church when I'm not ready to leave?

Dealing with a spouse's ADHD

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 21:09:26 GMT

Hi. Does anyone have any encouragment or fresh ideas for me? My husband, whom I love very much, has ADHD. I knew it when I married him, but you know how it goes--when you are living with someone day in and day out, they have annoying habits that can drive you nuts. Before you are married, it all seems easy to handle! Afterwards, not so much. He does take medication (when he remembers it!). I finally told him that if he didn't go on something, that I was going to have to! The lack of attention to detail is probably the hardest to deal with. I find myself getting so irritated I could scream. My husband is the sweetest and kindest man who would never hurt me, but I am afraid that I do hurt his feelings sometimes with my criticism. Any thoughts?

In-depth Discussion on Racism

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 10:42:42 GMT

Berean:

In the title I should have listed: Prejudice, Bigotry, Discrimination, Social Bias, and Intolerance in addition to Racism. These issues have been around FOREVER and they are sin, yes indeed. But just like any of the other topics covered in TP, it needs to be exposed as a lie that people have bought into with the Truth spoken in love. My reason for bringing this topic up is to see if there was anyone that has specifically dealt with this topic (I believe we all have at some point in our lives) and would be willing to share how it was handled. Many times this type of sin is overlooked because it is almost unnoticeable unless you are the victim of it or you are specifically looking for it.

Also, if there are any good resources you've come across on the web or at the bookstore. And, of course, using Biblical illustrations on the topic would be appreciated.

I just listened to Chuck Swindoll give a sermon "Getting Through the Tough Stuff on Prejudice" online here:

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=2007-7-3

and here (two part):

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=2007-7-4

He covers three points about Prejudice:

- It's a learned trait

- It keeps us in darkness (Major TP theme)

- It binds us to the old (prejudice tends to prevent innovation

how to help a friend in marriage crisis

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:53:55 GMT

I have a friend who has been separated from her husband for about 3 years. They live 3 hours apart and see each other on weekends. This weekend they got in a big argument and he left and said he was done. He has asked her not to call because he needs time to think. She has a lot of issues with her childhood and has always felt that she can never measure up. She has said that she has never really loved him and has no respect for him. She feels he is not educated enough for her. She seems to be wanting him to be everything she is not. If things don't change soon I feel it will be over and they have three sons which this is realing messing up. What resourses can I use to help her. I know he has an appointment with a counselorthis morning. I need some advice how to help them. Also help without letting my marriage suffer. My husband and I hear both sides and are trying hard not to take sides. What material have you found that could help both us and them.

Wii has internet access, too much time on

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 14:39:11 GMT

I have a 12 year old son who goes to a Christian school. He is an only
child. He's pretty strong willed in some ways, and over the years I've
given in too much and allowed too much tv (carefully monitored) because
I felt isolated and overwhelmed. His dad is involved and ususally right,
but I have a hard time enforcing the discipline due to my non religious
upbringing and personality, also due to truamas and problems.
Our son is a great son........I chose to buy him a Wii for Christmas because
it was the only thing he really really wanted. The problem is, that I
did not know the Wii could be used for online access........my son
rushed ahead and used some Wii poinsts, downloaded the internet
and now has it in his own room (it's in the Wii). We can control it by
turning off the modem (we have DSL and the modem is in my bedroom)
but it is possible for him to go online using wireless by going into someone
else's account...many people don't lock their wireless so it's possible to
go on their account and they don't even know it.

Of course my husband and I told him not to go on by wireless since
it's not our account.......

My concern is I have always had control before and I don't like the idea
of him having internet access in his own room......

I need to put my foot down and feel "mean". My son sometimes gets very
angry at me when I try to be strict.

My husband agrees with me.

I want to limit the internet access without making my son feel "bad".

Also, I need to enforce that my son gets more exercise and other
activities.

I have made the (perhaps well intentioned) mistake over the years of asking
my son what HE wants to do.........and so he has been simply refusing
other activities.........plus we live in a condo and we don't just let him go
out wherever and play with whomever because we don't know these people..

I do provide for him to have friends over from school and I do supervise
them to some extent.

Unfortunately his dad tends to just get mad, and so my son reacts and thinks
his dad is mean.

However, I have caused many of the conflicts not intending to, by being
too permissive and by not always being able to be as strict as his dad.

We have genuinely tried to protect him, and we are both Christians, but
it is just hard for me to follow through with everything without the
support ......I'm the one with my son most of the time, his dad works
a lot of hours, and when dad is home, he roughhouses with son which
is OK but it used to scare me because dad gets very rough.

My husband is a good Christian and good dad, and wants to honor the
Lord.

I didnt' mean to contradict dad but it was difficult for me as I was basically
left all alone growing up, didn't grow up in a Christian home, and was
abused. Plus other health issues.

Grandparents aren't Christians so their help with son wasn't reliable
in terms of protecting him...they are involved in his life and I'm thankful.

The school is also a great support because I tried homeschooling for
K but was going crazy......

I'm working on my own issues with the Lord, plus we've had severe
financial lack........which has improved a bit.

My son is understandably confused when dad and I haven't agreed
and I have apologized and tried to explain.

Still, I have to limit the electronic stuff and make sure he gets enough
exercise, etc. I'm going to let him join a gym I belong to when he
turns 13 (in July) which is affordable and I can watch him and stay
with him.........

We limit tv and don't watch it that much. I take the son to movies but
they are carefully chosen. His first video game was given to him
by our pastor's son and if I had known I would not have allowed it.

Can anyone relate?

I know I am the parent and need to be more consistent about setting
the limits.

On the other hand, even his Christian friends are allowed more freedom
and I don't want to be too controlling.

I'm trying to set guidelines and allow him his own choices within those
limits, and I also explain why.

I honestly think that family discord and "weirdness" or emotional needs
unmet could be worse for a child in the long run, than merely seeing
a certain movie.

However I know I have responsiblity to monitor who his friends are,
what he sees, including internet, etc too.

thanks.

Adult daughter staying with boyfriend

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 30 May 2010 07:10:42 GMT

I am the mother of a 24yr. old women & she has recently graduated with her Masters Degree & currently living back at home awaiting to take licensure exam. She is a great gal & has been dating a guy for 10 months & this is the longest relationship she has ever had. She is now closer to where he lives & spending every weekend with him. She has been raised in a Christian home & as parents we have discussed sex outside marriage beginning at an appropriate age & through her college years. She has told us they are not sleeping together, but I am not sure of that. I pray she will wait for marriage & that this guy will have that desire also. Her dad & I have concerns that his home life has not had a strong Christian background. At 24yrs. of age what is a good approach with her withoug shutting doors. She told me a few yrs. ago her desire is to be a virgin at the time of her marriage. I feel they are both placing temptations in their paths.

Helping Your Child Thrive in School Webcast: from parent who didn't do well

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 03:16:41 GMT

I am a parent who didn't do well in school. My child OBVIOUSLY knows more about history and math than I do. What are the ways I can influence them to do well in school if I "don't know nothin'"?! Emphasis on the "nothin'"!

Sorry for bothering you but i have a question?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 03:49:58 GMT

My wife and i have been married for the past 11 years. The best 11 years of my life till recently. My wife has reconnected to her exboyfriend through facebook and has recently gone to his house to hang out and watch a movie with him even thoughm I told her how much I don't like the situation. She insists that they are just friends and that I have nothing to worry about. Yes she is serious when she says that. She also told me that she wouldn't care if I would hang out with girls in the same way , even exgirlfriends. Is there anyone that can agree with that?

Skateboarding? Goth?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:54:25 GMT

My 13yr old son is really into skateboarding and spends alot of time outside doing tricks. We've compromised on his hair style, but I am worried about his group of friends. They seem very polite when at our house, but we have noticed they wear alot of black, and most are unsupervised, ALOT!! We don't let ours "roam free," but are unsure about how to approach him. We don't want to risk his shutting us out, but are concerned that they may be turning Goth. HELP!!!!

Is it really over?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 01:39:14 GMT

Hi,

I've read pretty many posts and I feel I finally have the courage to write about my situation. Near the end of November my wife of 19 years said she wanted to separate. She told me that she has had enough and wants to be happy. She said the only way she can be happy is to leave me. It was a total surprise!! I am far from the perfect person, I have made my mistakes. I asked her to explain why and she brings up things all the way back to our first year of marriage. I was in such shock that I couldn't say anything. She told me she had absolutely no feelings for me anymore. It took about a week for me to get the strength to start a discussion with her. I needed to know if our marriage could be saved. According to her it couldn't. She didn't move out which surprised me. Then on December 31st my place of employment decided that they no longer needed my services. Now I had a wife that wants to leave me, no job, and my place of employment was our means for health insurance. Once again my head was in a tailspin. Luckily I found a job two weeks later (making much less salary) and my wife got insurance for her and the kids. I had to pay for cobra until I was eligible to get insurance with my present employer.

I couldn't take the thoughts going through my head so I called a good friend of mine. He is divorced and understands my pain. He dropped off a book for me to read. The book was Love Must Be Tough. I haven't read a book since getting out of high school (23 years ago). I couldn't put the book down. It really made me understand how marriages can easily end up like this. After reading that book I read, Love is Letting Go of Fear, Communication Miracles for Couples, Love & Respect, and Boundaries. All of these books have really changed my life. My wife has read Love is Letting go of Fear but she said the book does nothing for her. She refused to read any other books that I have. We have been to counseling but she says its not working for her. We went to about 5 sessions and that was it for her. We are still living together but it is a day by day thing. If I say one wrong thing she just blows up on me. We haven't slept in our bed together in over a month. My youngest daughter (10) is starting to ask why mommy is sleeping on the couch. For now she is content knowing that we are just having a disagreement right now. I have really changed all my ways and I am letting my faith help me through this. I know I haven't gone into too much detail on what she believes to have caused her to get this way, but this is my first time posting anything and I never would have thought I would be doing this to help me understand what went wrong with my marriage. This is the toughest thing I have gone through in my life. I appreciate any advice that someone may have for me.

Thanks

Jealousy

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:39:25 GMT

In this lesson, the marriage covenant was considered something that should be protected with the godly jealousy - El Qanna. As a parent are my children to be guarded by that El Qanna as well. It would seem so, but I'm not clear.

Help for a sinner

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:30:21 GMT

Over 16 months ago my wife found out that I had been having an affair with a woman I worked with. We actually didn't have sex, but he activities were adulterous nonetheless.

This resulted in me going into rehab for alcohol abuse and today I am over 16 months sober.

6 months later my wife found out that I was hiding so much more from her...lots of porn use, online dating sites, and more adultery...all covering the 10 years of our marriage and the 15 years of our relationship.

I grew up with God and Jesus in my life but had turned away nearly 20 years ago. I lived my life as if I was god and we all know who is really in charge when we do that.

I have been on the path of reviving our marriage, repairing the damage I caused, attempting to help her with her pain. I have accepted that she cannot trust me. I have proved to be untrustworthy. During the last 6 years or so of our marriage, I had at least 5 affairs as well as the use of porn --- my issues have also create a financial problem for us that I am working to correct and repair as well.. All of this has been devastating to her and there is nothing I want more in the world than to make it up to her and to move ahead with a real and loving marriage.

I have completely changed as a person. I no longer have desires to use porn, I fully believe in and accept God's intent of sexual purity. I love my wife. I still have problems with fear but I know most of my issues are because I am selfish and selfcentered.

I am told that I spend too much time on myself with things like AA, like volunteering at church (ushering, small group leader, men's bible study group) and that I don't "schedule" time or put in the same effort on our relationship. Perhaps all of this is true. I am not sure.

The statistics on this time and effort == AA Mon-Fri from 6am -7am and Sat morn 9am -10am, and Sunday 7pm-8pm (plus approximately 15 mins before and after on each to travel, etc.----- Small Group Mon night 7:30 - 9. No travel time. Usher twice per month, Sat evening 5:15 - 7:30 and Men's Group Thurs 7pm to 9:15pm

My tally? 12 hours per week plus 2 1/4 hours every other week. Other that than I am at home. I work form my home office and she is home all day studying for school.

I am not in anyway defending my time away from us. I am just being open about the reality of the time. I guess rounded up it is about 15 hours a week. The truth is that I don't have a similar scheudle about "US" and don't really know how to go about doing that. She has school work, I have work, I can't schedule on top of her schedule.

And, no, I don't think that just because I am not a porn addicted alcohol adulterer that she should feel so very blessed to have me. I need some help and direction. I truly have done EVERYTHING I can think of....I am patient, she is not.

I NEED HIM TO TRUST ME

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 02:14:39 GMT

I HAVE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY BEHIND MY HUSBANDS BACK IN THE PAST, I HAVE USED CREDIT CARDS AND LET THEM FALL BEHIND IN PAYMENT, HE FOUND OUT EVERTHING AND NOW I AM WORKING THREE PART TIME JOBS TO HELP PAY BACK THE DEBT I HAVE MADE, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG , BUT I AM TRYING TO MAKE IT RIGHT, OUR MARRIAGE HAS SUFFERED SO MUCH, IT NEVER SEEMS TO GET ANY BETTER IS IT IS'NT A MONEY FIGHT IT IS OVER SEX, OR SOMETHING ELSE, I AM REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME KNOWING WHAT TO DO. I JUST WANT US TO BE OK , BUT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING IN THE WAY, I KNOW I DONT DESERVE TO BE TRUSTED BUT I NEED TO BE

have experienced alot of healing through prayer...my dilemma involves a close relative of my spouse...we are struggling with what do we do with the truth of the abuse...?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:09:29 GMT

Welcome Marilyn! I can relate alot to your experiences...I have also received healing through prayer...my spouse & I are struggling with the truth that a close relative of my spouse was one of my abusers...I avoid contact with this relative because he is not a safe person and I find it hard to even be cordial in social situations...I have forgiven him in my heart...my spouse continues to have a relationship with him...he confides alot in this abuser, because of his close relationship over many years...my spouse refuses to acknowledge that the abuse even happened...it makes it difficult for me to trust my spouse when there is no acknowledgement...I realize this puts him in an awkward position...I have been praying about this alot recently...I haven't been pushing my spouse...but feel very sad...like we can't have the emotional intimacy...am I asking too much of my spouse and what is a next step for me?

Almost 41... and pregnant

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 04 May 2010 12:31:30 GMT

Yesterday was Monday. Rainy, I am about to turn 41 this month, celebrate my dad's Homegoing, and I feel terrible... so of all things, I take a pregnancy test. There is a +. Now what????

I will be sending my daughter off to college in the fall, and I am so looking forward to it being just me and my husband., He has 2 girls, but we only have them part time. I can't wait for us to be able to do stuff together. I am training my young horse so that I can begin competitive showing this winter.. too. SO, now with this news.... I am at a loss. I feel like every dream God gave me has just been squashed.

I certainly do not mean to be selfish... this is NOT planned. My husband and I really thought that I could not bear any more children due to my past poor choices and lifestyle before Christ changed my life. And we were both very ok with that. We don't want anymore children.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so sad by this. God knows that I don't want more children. I never really wanted kids to begin with. My first husband and I had our daughter.. and I love my daughter more than anything in this world.. I did my best to raise her... now I wanted to move on with my life and watch her grow into womanhood.... not have another baby!! I did NOT want to ever do this again.

Is it right to give it up for adoption? I know there are THOUSANDS of families wanting babies...But how do I explain that to our kids and family? My husband doesnt think my body can handle it physically and worries that it may cost my life. THEN what is the answer? I won't abort it because I just don't want it... that is wrong. I want to scream and run away... that wouldn't change the "+" sign, either.

Any one have any advice... words on how to cope with this. Gosh, I hated being pregnant before........ and to think I have to do it again now makes me feel lost.

I apologize to all women out there for my attitude.. I am sure I am wrong. I have asked God to forgive me.. but unfortunately, again... that doesn't change the "+" sign.

Thank you for any words you can give me.

How to handle a family members adulterous rship

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:43:44 GMT

My brother is currently separated from his wife & lives with another woman. At our last family gathering as his wife was dropping off their son he was just showing up with his girlfriend. It did not go well. The whole family was there as the drama unfolded. My brother would probably say he is saved even though he is living a life of adultery. As a Christian & family member in this situation how should we handle him bringing his girlfriend around? Our family has never had to deal with anything like this before & it has been very difficult. My children get confused about who is with my brother & have even called the girlfriend by his wifes name. (I have explained things to them) His wife wants their marriage to work & is refusing to sign divorce papers. I of course want his marriage to work but more importantly to me is his salvation. It was only 3 years ago when I was in the same situation as my brother. I was deceived by the enemy & living life for myself & saying the heck with everyone else & how it affected them. I thought I was fine, saved, going to heaven which was a lie. God was gracious & sent someone to confront me & how I was living & how that would affect my eternity. This is so heartbreaking & now I understand even better what I put people through. I want to love my brother where he is at but I'm just not sure how to do that when he brings the girlfriend around. I don't accept or approve of their relationship & I don't see that changing. I've never been rude to her & I wouldn't be but I also haven't gone out of my way to interact with her. I would appreciate some sound biblical advice! Thanks!

Please help, how do i go on with so much pain ?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:45:39 GMT

Hello

Please can you pray for me sorry that I am bothering anyone but I feel like I am losing my mind.

This all happen to me in a matter of 2 months

1. He (my husband ) was having an affair ( 7 months it was going on )

2. I am getting laid off from my job.

3. We are losing our home ( so me and our son will have no where to go)

4. We were $20,000.00 in debit.

5. I will have no more medical insurances ( for me and our son)

6. He just left abandoned me and our son just walked out the door( he is living with her now)

7. he told me that God is blessing him.

8. He said he is doing fine

9.The other woman was marriage too and has two children(she said she is a Christian)

10.she can just have my husband and they can live happy ever after.

11. My husband can do all this and still get bless with all his hearts desires.

12.He said that God is in control

13 He said this is God's will

14. He mess and broke our car and now he is riding in a new car with her

15. I was out of work ill for a month while he was having his affair

16. I do not have enough money for me and our son to live

17. He got angry with me when I took him to court for help, now him and his girlfriend have hired a lawyer to stop any money he has to give me.

18 I ma so very hurt because I still love him and I wanted my marriage to work.

Please can someone tell me how do i stop crying and barley functioning everyday.

How do I go on ?

What do you do?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 07:56:49 GMT

I am an army wife. My husband is hopefully 1/2 way thru his second deployment (I say hopefully because this is "suposed" to be a 15 month deployment but it is *rumored* that it will only be 12 mos). We are a "blended" family. While he is gone I take care of 6 of our children. 2 are adults and live elsewhere.

Our first deployment was pure hell. We had negative influences on me (other wives w/ really bad advice) and family drama and all of his emotional stuff from the deployment (being away from us, not being able to help me, and all of the things guys go thru over there). We fought tooth and nail. We got into multiple competitions to see who had it worse...that was a draw since it stinks so much for both of us. But he came home on leave and we reconnected and when he left things were very different. We agreed not to be angry and to hold onto our love and our family. We did much better from then on out

This deployment is completely different! In the begining we did really well. We had learned from our old mistakes, we didn't jump to conclusions, we talked before getting angry...I was so proud of us! Then he came home on leave...he was a little distant...I figured it was just normal readjusting. He kept saying how he felt overwhelmed by too many people at the airport or felt tired. I took him at his word when he said this to me when I had asked him if he was cheating. I was insecure because I had missed him so much and just wanted to hold onto him every second and when he didn't feel the same way, I worried there was more too it. He said he loved me and he couldn't wait to come home to stay. We even talked about buying a house.

Then while he was in transit back to Iraq he emailed a woman he had dated (eons ago...he's 41 and it was in jr high school). It wasn't a flirty email it was just friendly since they had just met up on facebook. I flew off the handle because I was hurt that he emailed her but not me. I was furious. He responded accordingly and got equally angry. He accused me of horrible things...being controlling, mean spirited, trying to put a collar on his neck. I wasn't angry that he emailed her...it was the no message to me...not even a quickie.

He emailed me that he wants a divorce...almost 2 months ago now. He claims that he'd been thinking about it for a while but kept ignoring it. He NEVER said anything to me about it. He even bragged to others about buying furniture that I had been wanting before he left...that is how he shows love listening for what I want and buying it for me. He did that just DAYS before leaving for Iraq in March.

He says he doesn't love me anymore. He says he never has peace with me. He says our children are miserable because we are married....The sad part is the children have been doing so much better in the past six months...the time he has been gone. No peace? He isn't remembering. I believe that is the same thing for him saying he doesn't love me anymore.

He is refusing to even agree to try and work on things when he gets home. He told me he isn't willing to just throw his hands up and give in to me wanting to stay married but I'm supposed to throw my hands up and ignore my vows.

What little I have read on other posts, I find it interesting the perspectives of the soldier/military member. I do know that part of his issues stem from me taking care of everything and him not wanting to disturb my routine and take my authority that I will need while I am here alone w/ the children while he is deployed.

DH is even ignoring his best friend in the Army who tried to tell DH that he went thru the same exact thing during his last deployment. He was encouraging DH to wait until he got home...DH has stopped emailing and speaking to him.

DH and I are both Christians but he has grown away from God hugely because his mother is overly religious and pushed him when he wasn't ready. Now I'm geting closer to God and he is getting nervous...I could see it when he was home that he was worried I was turning into his mother.

So my question is what is the right way to handle him? I pray at least once a day for him and our marriage. I know God has been working on me because I have infinately more patience for him...just 6 months ago I would've cussed him out for the things he's been doing and saying but instead I'm being calm and praying.

Sorry for being so long winded, but thank you for taking the time to read this.

My wife left and it was my fault!!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:13:31 GMT

I am not sure if this post should be stand alone or attached to one of the others. I have found several of these to be very helpful.

My wife moved out over three weeks ago. We are both Christians and have been married for nearly three years. This was the third marriage for both of us. Her prior marriages were 13 with a daughter and 16 years. My first was 15 years with two sons and the second was only 7 months. When we married she had been divorced just over a year and me only 9 months. I believe that the timing may have contributed to some extent to our problems. As with many relationships you read about here, there were many issues. Some small and some not so small. I am self-employed with a tendency toward being a "work-a-holic". My wife has spent her entire career in public education. Being self-employed has caused income to be peaks or valleys and never very stable. Shortly before we were married I began remodeling my home (my childhood home place). It need major renovation. After we married and she moved in, I continued with some small home projects. But she took a year off from work to paint a lot of the house. Instead of working on the house in our free time, we spent our free time with her family's many activities (about one hour away). We bought a camper and spent our summer weekends with her family at camp. During the other months, we did a few things around home but very little. My wife is not from the area where we live. Because of the many activities with her family, she never really felt "at home" in her new community. During most of her year of remodeling the house, I did very little except to keep her going by repairing or replacing as needed. After one year she decided that she was not really ready to retire and went back to work. It took her several months to find a job. She was basically over qualified for every position available close to home. The work on the house nearly came to a complete halt when she went back to work. I really had not wanted the home place, but bought it to help out my father in his estate plan. The lack of progress on the house started the unwinding of our relationship. It then spread to other areas. I found any number of other things to occupy my time and stay away from home. The more she complained about the house the more I avoided it. Finally she took a few things and move to her sister's.

About two weeks ago I made a trip to my nephews graduation about a 13 hour drive each way. When she found out I was out of town, she and her family came to the house and took most of her things (this is exactly how my second wife moved out, along with emptying my checking account). I did not discover this until I returned. Needless to say I was devastated but not completely surprised. In the next few days to follow, we made a rough draft of divorce papers. Then calmer heads prevailed and the papers have been put away. We maintained somewhat of a dialogue, which at times was emotional (good and bad). More recently our discussions are much calmer and somewhat productive. Here is my dilemma, she now wants little or no contact unless there are personal items to be exchanged. She wants me to get "myself right" and to only put effort into her happiness and not worry about trying to help somone else be happy. I understand and have actually made a list of the many things I need to do. I keep asking her to at least acknowledge that there is a possibility of "us" in the future. She will not even entertain the idea and suggests that I "try to look ahead to a better life." When I press her to see if she will be apart of my future, she says that as she sees it now, probably not. She did say once, that God only knows the future. Am I wrong to be looking and asking for some hope from her? I have prayed, read scripture and researched many things trying to find some strength and clarity.

I know God does not see divorce as an option except under two circumstances, neither of which apply to our situation. I do not want this, but have directly caused us to be in this situation. I have tried to contact a local counselor, but cannot seem to get a return call to get an appointment set. How do I deal with her wanting out when the situation is outside of my understanding of God's plan for marriage? Is it possible that God really did not want this marriage to happen and our human desire pulled us into marriage? I really need some clarity and guidance.

Prayerfully hopeful

One Super Dad

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:24:20 GMT

The love and devotion that my husband continues to show our three children warms my heart. When our oldest son had trouble going to bed at age 5, by husband felt the problem was not enough "daddy time" before bed. So, he started doing "lay down time" which was 5 minutes of laying on our son's bed and letting our son talk about anything. Seven years and two more kids later, "lay down time" has become 15 minutes with each individual child doing whatever that child wants to do. For our daughter that mean oragami for weeks (if he couldn't finish it he passed it off to mom ). Our youngest likes to go bear hunting in his room. The oldest does a video game with dad for 15 minutes. No matter how tired my husband may be when he comes home from work, come about 7:30pm you can find him busy with "lay down time".

He still feels guilt and is uncomfortable around me.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 21:32:31 GMT

My husband and I have been seperated for a little more than 3months now. Due to his infidelity we have struggled with whether our marriage can be restored. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since he moved back in. At first he was staying in the spare bedroom and would close the door behind him at night. but just recently he has started sleeping in our bed. We havnt been intimate with each other(I don't think I'm ready for that), but I had to ask him the other day if he felt uncomfortable around me. He said Yes, he felt uncomfortable at time because he does'nt know how to act or what he can and can't do or say around me. I inturn said that I felt uncomfortable around him bcuz i did'nt know where he stood! i explained to him that he needed to take that chance and try to win me back somehow. I still have my boundaries up bcuz i don't want to get hurt again, or feel rejected!

My question is: What can I do other than communicate how I feel to help him feel comfortable again. I want to restore our marriage but I also want our marriage to be better than before. I dont want to just pick up where we left off, because obviously that wasnt working out to well. He mentioned that he still felt a lot of guilt and that he struggled with that everyday. i honestly don't know what to say to that! i want him to move forward and I feel that his guilt is keeping him from doing that. My husband struggles with communicating with me, although he does so very well when it comes to others. I discussed with him that I would like for him to start talking to me more, tell me what and how he feels! Otherwise this is'nt going to work! HELP! What are we doing wrong and other than prayer what else can I do!

Statistical Ethics

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Below is a blurb I wrote to help our small group begin to grappel with the concept of statistical ethics, its implications for behavior in our world, and one possible approach for those who do not hold a Christian worldview.

One of the points discussed in Lesson 2 revolved around the moralization of ethics via statistical analysis. Remember that “morality” addresses what is – and is therefore a viable area for statistical study. Ethics on the other hand addresses what ought to be – and therefore is not.
But poll after poll and survey after survey seek to blur the lines between morals and ethics. Our first response to a moral defense of unethical behavior should be to recognize the logical fallacy implicit in its assumptive approach. Stated another way, the fact that 50+ % of American marriages end in divorce does not make divorce ethical – majority never rules when it comes to ethical issues.

But, because we live in a culture that doesn’t accept the biblical worldview we must also address the issue of statistical ethics on its home turf. As an example, let’s take a brief look at some statistics promoted by Alfred Kinsey, the first notable sex researcher. Below are some conclusions drawn from his study, and from a re-evaluation of his data.
The 1948 and 1953 Studies of Alfred Kinsey

Kinsey's samples are best for younger adults, particularly the college-educated; they are poorest for minorities and those from lower socioeconomic and educational levels. The original male sample included institutionalized men. Paul Gebhard (Gebhard 1979), a Kinsey research associate and later director of the Institute, described Kinsey's sampling method as "quota sampling accompanied by opportunistic collection" (p. 26). Kinsey's data came from in-depth, face-to-face interviews (with 5300 white males and 5940 white females providing almost all of the data).

Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953) reported that:

• 37% of males and 13% of females had at least some overt homosexual experience to orgasm;

• 10% of males were more or less exclusively homosexual and 8% of males were exclusively homosexual for at least three years between the ages of 16 and 55. For females, Kinsey reported a range of 2-6% for more or less exclusively homosexual experience/response.

• 4% of males and 1-3% of females had been exclusively homosexual after the onset of adolescence up to the time of the interview.

• Kinsey devised a classification scheme to measure sexual orientation. It is commonly known as the Kinsey Scale

Reanalyses of Alfred Kinsey's Data

In the Final Report and Background Papers of the National Institute of Mental Health's Task Force on Homosexuality (Gebhard 1972), Gebhard reanalyzed Kinsey's data to eliminate sample bias. His refined figures showed that between one-quarter and one-third of adult white males with college education had had an "overt homosexual experience since puberty" (mostly in the adolescent years); weighting by marital status, he estimated that 4% of the white college-educated males and between 1-2% (and closer to 1%) of white females were predominantly or exclusively homosexual.

Excerpted from the Kinsey Institute home page: http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/bib-homoprev.html.

One thing we would do well to remember is that the enemy, the commander of the side of evil in the cosmic battle, is never satisfied with the status quo. Evil is never evil enough. So he is not content to merely analyze and publicize the current state of evil, his goal is to proliferate it.
So, when we see studies quantifying the “current state” of morality – like Kinsey’s referenced above – we need to understand that it may be an attempt to accomplish at least two things:

· to normalize unethical behavior (under the banner of morality) by providing the “every one is doing it” excuse

· to act as a self fulfilling prophecy to bring about the magnitude of unethical behavior claimed to already exist

It is in this area that we can start to plant the seeds of doubt in the minds of those held captive to lies.
Below is an excerpt from the Wikipedia article on the Kinsey report. (Wikipedia is an online encyclopedia deriving its content from user submissions – and is therefore not a solid source for most research. For our purposes however, it does serve as a non-antagonistic source on the topic of Kinsey.)

Objections to Methodology

In addition to moral objections, academic criticisms pertain to sample selection and sample bias. Two main problems identified were that (1) significant portions of the samples come from prison populations and male prostitutes, and that (2) people who volunteer to be interviewed about taboo subject are likely to suffer from the problem of self-selection, both of which undermine the usefulness of the sample in terms of determining the tendencies of the overall population.

In 1948, the same year as the original publication, a committee of the American Statistical Association, including notable statisticians such as John Tukey, condemned the sampling procedure. Tukey was perhaps the most vocal critic, saying, "A random selection of three people would have been better than a group of 300 chosen by Mr. Kinsey."[21][22] Criticism principally revolved around the over-representation of some groups in the sample: 25% were, or had been, prison inmates, and 5% were male prostitutes.[23]

Excerpted from Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports

These ridiculous claims (and they should have been ridiculed) in a single stroke accomplished both of the goals we looked at above. Every homosexually tempted person since Kinsey has been provided with the justification “I’m not alone – it’s normal, not abhorrent – lots of people do it”. And in providing this excuse Kinsey, and his father the devil, are bringing about the very magnitude of homosexuality they claimed existed back in 1948 and 1953.

When confronted with the obviousness of the agenda underlying these lies that have been touted as science, the pre-believer/nominal believer may begin to question. “Why has this sloppy ‘science’ been heralded with such undue acclaim?” “Why have these claims been nearly universally promoted without having been properly vetted?” And, at the risk of being categorized as conspiratorial, “Why have I been deceived into accepting these claims as truth?” “What impact has the promulgation of these claims had on our society?”
From there, their eyes may be opened to the lies that ensnare.

Homeschooling........ Lost

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 14:34:24 GMT

Hello I am a young mother of a 3 and a half yro boy. With all the school happenings in the news of late not only in my state of Michigan but elsewhere I am very worried about putting my son into school. Which is something that I seriously need to be thinking about right now. I am not sure how much I have really prayed about this but I do know that I have a strong conviction when I think about it but I am scared because I have no idea how to do it . what I have to make sure I don't miss and if I don't do it right who will know who will I get in trouble from ... heh... that and where do I start... I saw a book in Borders the other day pretty thick with all kinds of things and lessons on how to teach your lil one and have fun.... am I safe doing somehting like that for him or do I have to do more ... can someone please help me figure out how to start and an idea of what I will be doing after that ? Are there specific guidlines homeschooling parents have to follow a specific curriculum or someone as our children get older that we will have to answer to for what they do or don't know ? Any help on this would be appreciated ... god bless to all esp those of you who do this

MODERATOR'S NOTE: You might find these articles helpful.

Truth Project in Prisons

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:49:26 GMT

We are starting a Truth Project in a PA Prison. We have nearly 40 inmates signed up.

But we are limited timewise by the warden, so we do the video on Sunday,

and then a 1 hour discussion on Tuesday. We break into 3 groups for discussion.

Unfortunately, brownies, or any food, is prohibited!

We have just done the first two lessons and it has gone well, good discussions.

These men are really eager to learn, it is a nice change.

Yes, the educational level of many is low, so I will tell you how that impacts us.

So far we print out the outline and the vocabulary list so they can have it as they

watch the video.

If you have any advice or experience with this in the prisons, let us know!

Blessings,

I don't know what to do right now.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:34:45 GMT

I have posted here before and just find it's nice to pour out my feelings and know other people are praying, but I really need some advice. I have written before that my husband of seven years feels numb towards me, now he has told me he does not love me and never did. Why did he marry me in the first place? He will go back and forth, one day he will blame me for everything that has gone wrong in our lives and be angry with me for not allowing him to lead, then last night he said he just can't make goals and he cannot lead in our marriage. He won't even kiss me at this point or hold my hand. I feel like he is punishing me because he feels miserable. He will say one day that I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me and that I am a good wife, and then the next day he says that he can never forgive me for the way I am and that he believes I will never change. Yes, he is a Christian and he says the only thing that's keeping him going is that God loves him.

What I need to know is where to go from here. Do I keep silent and just let him treat me horribly until he finally decides to leave? (I really believe that is where this is headed, unfortunately.) I have read "Love must be tough" and because there has not been an affair, I don't believe I should ask him to go. I don't want him to go. I love him desperately and I just wish he could remember why he married me in the first place. I have tried so hard to be a good wife, though I know I have my shortcomings I also know I don't deserve to be treated like this. We are going to a sozo session next week, we have been trying to find a counselor but it seems like doors keep being slammed shut.

Anyway, whoever is reading, thanks for reading and praying. Any input would be appriciated greatly.

Pastor to Pastor: "Celebrating Pastor to Pastor: The 100th Edition" - Guests James C. Dobson, Jim Daly and "Best of the Best"

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:46:53 GMT

Who is the guest - either current or past - who really ministered to you on this edition of Pastor to Pastor?

Please share why you love your husband!!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:59:01 GMT

I wanted to start this discussion for a couple of reasons. 1. I love my husband with all my heart. 2. I want to offer some encouragement to women out there that marriage can be a huge blessing.

So please share you stories with me and the rest of the community.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for over three years now. I now can not imagine life without him.

He is my encouragement when I am depressed. This has been happening a little more often then I would like. I have a habit of being hard on myself because of the way I look. But he is always willing to give me a hug and tell me how beautiful I am.

He is my laughter. There is constant laughter in my house. My husband is just funny and goofy.

He is my lover. I still melt in his arms. I love his sweet kisses and his soft touch.

I could go on and on about why I love my husband. But I am sure ya'll would get tired of reading.

Please share your encouragement and stories of how you have been blessed by God through your husbands. I look forward to reading them.

Not sure how to deal with my 6 yr. old stepson's attitude problems

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:29:48 GMT

My 6 yr. old stepson has a serious problem with his attitude. My wife (the child's mother) gets her son every other week as part of the court order and the father gets him the other week (week on, week off). I have reason to believe that the child is being enabled at the father's house.

The father is thirty years old and lives with his mom. He (the father) is either always working and never home or when he is home he spends time on his computer and rarely spends time with his son. He (the father) is disrespectful of his mother and myself and only works with us grudgingly at best. During the times when the father is not home, his mother (the child's grandmother) watches him and "babies" him (does everything for him and calls him, "her little baby").

When we ask the child to do anything, he throws an out-of-control fit of rage or has an attitude that is disrespectful. He says he doesn't want to go to school and fights us every morning when we try to get him ready for school. He has been up to 15 minutes late some mornings because of his uncooperative behavior. Now it has come to our attention (through his school's progress report) that the child has been tardy for school 11 times in just the last month, and 9 of them was the father's.

What hurts the most, is when the child whines and says he wants to be with his daddy. When we ask him why, he says it is because his dad never spends any time with him.

What should I do to deal with this and get my stepson the help he needs and how do I deal with his dad who is never there for him?

It's gotten so bad that I believe legal action should be taken to get full custody of the child but I don't want to go down that road if it can be avoided. I really want to work with the dad but I do not feel he wants to work with us. He has done many things to violate court orders and just seems to get away with it every time, no matter what we do and we have recorded the incidents on paper. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks for your time everyone....

Hurting and dont want to give up

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:20:39 GMT

I got married last JUly and only 3 weeks after we were married I founf out my husband had been in contact with his old love of 3 years and he still loved her. He is from another country and we had been together 2 years and he came here to U.S. last may.. I guess he ran into her one day 6 months or so before he came here and all his feelings came back.. but he didnt do anything but talk to her and spend time with her.. He told me she was a friend and nothing was going on. WEll she wont let go and kept contacting him after he got here as well as when i was at work he would talk to her on internet and the phone.

So, after I found out I just broke down and unfortunetly my trust was broken. I however was not able to let go and became somewhat controling, b/c I didnt trust him, but still wanted him to stay and love me. He told me he was going to leave after a month or so of seeing me hurting and his feelings not changing for her. I just cried all the time. After he ran the cell phone bill to $300 I had to take the cell phone away (i was paying, bc he wasnt working yet). I didnt want to be like a mother, but he wasnt being responsible or respectful. So he took time away from communicating with her and stayed. WEll maybe a month or two later he found out that the library had internet and would go and talk with her twice a week on the internet and I let it happen. Part of him wanted to be with both of us, he didnt want to hurt either one of us. the thing that hurt so bad at this point is that he loved her more and was staying more with me to help with bills. He did feel horrible the whole time.. so guilty. He does have a relationship with God and didnt plan any of this, but couldnt let go of her either. After a couple months of him talking to her at the library he stopped and would try to only go to the library in the mornings when she wasnt on the computer. I became a worrysome wife always thinking he was doing something and asking him questions all the time, which just pushed him away. I couldnt help it.. he acted suspicous and I didnt trust him anymore. I wanted to, but he always said "dont trust me" and didnt talk or act like he really wanted me to love or trust him again. He didnt and still doesnt know what he wants. He then got a job in the evenign hours and that helped him feel like he was helping and wasnt so trapped as well as i helped him get his permit and license to drive. I was hesitant, but he is my husband. He told me he wasnt communicating with her, which I never know if its true or not.. she hasnt let go (she still has pictures of them on the internet and has sent packages twice since last summer with pictures and notes to him talking about her love for him).. i found them. After many months he finally decided to go to counseling and church with me. THe counseling didnt help too much since the counselor never called us back after one visit, but church helped. THe past month and a half he keeps saying he doesnt feel like it or finds something else to distract his time. So now at this point we arent fighting so much and he is workingfull time. I have tried to not question him and be so emotional and depend on God for my strength and happiness, but its hard when he talks to me disrespctful sometimes and is selfish, not thinking of me b/c of his lack of love for me (which he has told me he doesnt love me anymore in a romantic way). It hurts, but i have been praying for him constantly that he woudl open his heart to God to change it and God woudl bring godly men into his life. He now has a cell phone which has been a struggle for me to trust him, but he says he honestly doesnt communicate with her. There are times like this morning where i will just ask a question when i dont understand something he said and he flips out on me or when i ask him a question about what he has been doing or ... and he just ignores me or gets upset and other times he does things and doesnt think abotu me whatsoever. I am not a wife, but just a roommate sometimes. I also need his help financially, but he isnt be responsible with his money either and is so frustrating.. I wish he would step up and be a husband! I give all the time and just want to receive back sometimes. I know I am special, but many times he doesnt make me feel that way. He will sometimes say how he wants to go back to his country and that it isnt fair to me to be like this, but he doesnt leave and I cant leave him. I just believe GOd can do a miracle in him. He isn't my perfect guy and we are SO different, but I vowed to be his wife. I know God can use this for His glory! It has been 9 months now since we are married and our lease is up in july. I dont want to get an apartment and then he leaves and im stuck. Please pray with me that GOd works in him before that so that I can be wise. I am trying to protect my heart, but its just not me to hold it back. I am way too good to him, but I dont knwo how to be any different to someone I love. Almost everyone tells me I shoudl leave him and let go, but I cant.

8 year old Daughter stealing.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 02:14:39 GMT

Can I please have some suggestions on what we can do to get her to stop. She steals from our pantry almost every night. At one stage we had an alarm installed to stop her from doing it and then we trialed without and she had stopped for a while, but now has started up again. She goes and wakes up her siblings and gives them the food as well. She does get punished (not allowed to watch tv, play on the computer and even at one stage, no afternoon tea when getting home from school). The other children, while they don't go in and take it, they readily accept it from her and so are punished as well. I am now at the point where I don't know what to do.

Please help

Thank you.

Raising Girls Webcast: Role models for 14 yr old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:18:06 GMT

I am a single mom raising a daughter who is 14 years old. Her dad as never been in her life by his choice. I hear all the time and listened to Dr Dobson this morning on program Bringing up girls. Since her dad is not in her life what things can I do to ensure that she does not fall in the path of having boys fill that role...I do have some men in our church who has taken some role in her life but she does not always get that affirmation from a dad like figure. Thanks

Brenda

Dating my ex-husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 00:29:24 GMT

I need someone to listen and support me and possibly help me make sense of my feelings and emotions.

I am dating my ex-husband. Met him in '99 and married him in '03. He was my true 1st love. Seperated in Dec. 06 and Divorced Sept. '08. Have 1 son (6) together.

Left him due to excessive drinking which became a living nightmare. He went to rehab Nov. '09. He has been sober since Feb. thank GOD. Glory be to God for sure!

I have been in 3 relationships up to Feb. this year. Still have strong feelings fonr one guy and its reciprocal although he knows I am talking to my ex husband again. He has been so understanding and supportive, but I had to stop talking to him b/c I knew it wasn't fair to my ex. Anyway the urge to text or call him is too strong and I'm wondering what I am even doing giving my ex-husband a 2nd chance. The only reason I am is b/c I prayed to God to reveal his will to me and I think he did in a big way. I was sitting at work few months ago and prayed hard for God to show me a sign on what direction I should take and I stumbled across a link on this website about a couple; Cheryl and her husband whom had divorced and got back together. There is a book out by them titled; I Do Again, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. I watched their video and cried and thought God was speaking to me through their story. Anyway, I told my ex about this b/c we had been talking and he had been coming to my house to help me get things set up from my new move. He went on the site and watched the video and listened to audio conference and he ordered the book. I wanted to order it, but for some reason I didn't, so when he told me he had, I was silent and thought God is so in control of this. WOW!

The book is great. I am struggling with the past. I honestly do forgive him. It's just that I feel like a suffered emotionally from things that were said and done during end of our marriage and custody was bitter. He has admitted to saying alot of things to hurt me so spotlight would be off him. He admitted to saying things just so he wouldn't have to perform intimately...

I have cried my eyes out trying to explain my feeliings to him now that he's sober and has a great support group in AA. I feel like he's emotionally mature enough to handle this now. I feel like he's so surface and when I'm telling him my feelings he can't get on a deep level and show any emotion. I find that strange coming from a man who tells me he loves me and I'm the one for him, but can't get on a deep level with me. Maybe a little empathy. The more I type my feelings, the more I get a sick feeling on my stomach.

Maybe I expect too much or too little ( I don't know). What I do know is that I am thinking alot about someone I want to explore and see if there's anything there, but I feel trapped and confused.

I do know my ex loves me deeply, but I question how compatible we really are together. I am not a runner, I do believe in workiing through differences, but at the same time, shouldn't I know in my heart if God wants this to be my plan. How do I really know for sure. Please help me! I can't sleep and my mind races all the time.

Sincerely,

Prayer it is

Need advice/different perspective on my marriage problem

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 18 May 2010 04:06:38 GMT

Sorry if this is long but I will try to keep the background history short. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. Before him, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend cheated on me. I took that fear and insecurity of being cheated on into the relationship with my husband and I would get jealous, insecure even when nothing was going on. I felt like I needed to keep track of where he was, what he was doing, etc to calm my fears that there was nothing going on. I know that early on in the relationship, it was very hard for him because I was being this way. However, after a few years passed, I just let the fears and insecurities go and I was able to give him my full trust. I thought that I had communicated to him that I wasn't the same person as before and that I didn't need to "audit" how he spent his time, where he was, etc.

I found out in Nov 2009 that he was having an emotional affair with a classmate (who's married) through Facebook. She is in another country half-way around the world so I know that it was all just through phone calls, e-mails and chatting. I had been suspicious that something was going on and I hacked into his Hotmail and Facebook and found all the e-mails. I was so angry and wasn't thinking straight and just to embarrass the two of them, I posted their emails on facebook so that their mutual friends could see what was going on.

The next few months after that were just miserable. I would go through these cycles of being so angry at him and then being calm and wanting to work things out. I felt like I was just going insane and I know that I was making life for him very miserable as well. He asked me to "just let what happened go" and that my constant ups and downs were making him fall out of love for me. He said that he was unhappy for a long time because he felt so trapped/caged from when I used to check up on him all the time. I told him that was a long time ago and that I had not been doing that for awhile and I couldn't understand why he couldn't just let that go since I wasn't even doing it anymore.

So now, we are at a point where he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that as soon as he is able to financially, he will move out. I don't know if I love him anymore either. He doesn't consider what he did as cheating even though he knows that to me, it is cheating. He shows no remorse and said that what I did to him (embarrassing him and going through these up/down cycles) is a lot worse than what he did. He said that he only did what he did because he was feeling lonely and she was giving him the attention that he liked. He tried to stop but he couldn't. We both know that God hates divorce but he is so hurt by what I did and scared that at the slightest suspicion/whim, I will do something crazy again and I cannot accept it that he thinks he did nothing wrong and I don't know if I can be with someone who would gamble his wife/kids like this. I cannot trust him anymore and how can a marriage work without trust?

It's been 6 months now and even though I try to stop myself, I still have feelings of resentment, anger and bitterness. There's a battle going on inside me on whether to divorce or not. I really don't want to but without seeing any repentance or remorse from him, I would just keep being bitter. I just need some advice or perspective from others because even if I try to think this through logically, I think that my emotions are getting in the way. I don't know what my next steps should be.

Also, even though he says that he doesn't love me anymore, he will still hug me at night while we are sleeping. I'm confused by this. A part of me thinks that he does still love me but doesn't want to admit it to me because I might hurt him again but I'm not sure. If you truly don't love someone anymore, then would you still be affectionate with them?

Any advice would be appreciated.

5-year-old not liking Grandma

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 14:09:00 GMT

My daughter just turned 5. She has always been a strong-willed little girl and we have had several challenges with her over the years. My current problem is that my neighbor (who is Grandma---both of my children's natural grandma's have passed away) and my daughter have had a strained relationship the past several months. It started when I had to go to California for a week to move my dad into an assisted living facility. My daughter was at the end of her preschool year and so I had her stay home with her dad (and Grandma took care of her during the day while he was at work). This is the very first time she and I had ever been apart. I guess she did great (with a little saddness and missing me....I missed her too!). Anyway, when I came back home, she wanted nothing to do with Grandma even though they had gotten along great while I was gone. I talked to her and asked her if she was scared that I would leave again and she said yes. So I talked to her and told her that if I went to CA again, I would take her with me. Well, something came up last month and I had to go again and I did take her with me.

The problem is that she STILL won't have anything to do with Grandma. She won't talk to her, she won't even acknowledge her. She hides behind my leg when she's around. I've asked her what's wrong and she just says she doesn't like Grandma, but I can't get out of her why. Grandma has talked to her and told her how much she loves her and even asked her what she did wrong. It's breaking her heart! Her birthday party is this weekend and my neighbor just told me that she was thinking she might not come because it would upset my daughter. This makes me so sad. Like I said, both my mom and my husband's mom have passed away (as well as his dad). My children only have one living grandparent (my dad) and he's far away. I want so desperately for them to have grandparents and to have that special relationship. I just don't know what to do!

for extended families: OPSEC

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:50:02 GMT

What is OPSEC? It's Operational Security, basically the use of information in public forums.

As Christians in America, we're taught to share specific prayer requests so that people can pray specifically for a need.

The problem is, we're in a war. In a war, there is an enemy. The enemy wishes harm on us and our service personnel.

So if Joe's mom posts "Please pray for Joe and his battalion as they fly home on Flight 234 from Frankfurt!" on her facebook page--that is an OPSEC violation. What that means is, she has now put Joe and his entire group in danger of attack by those who wish to harm our troops.

Military spouses generally understand this. However, with this war tasking reserve and National Guard personnel, their spouses and extended family may not know that this can really be a bad thing.

I'd love to encourage families to pray. Of course! But please be careful with what information you post on the internet or speak on the phone or in a public place.

Husbands infidelity......need support from sisters in Christ!

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:47:41 GMT

I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. For the last 12 he has had a problem with porn, chat, chat room sex, emotional affairs, now infidelity. It really has been a living hell on earth. Off and on for the last 12 years his sin has been found out. I have confronted him multiple times. The last time I confronted him was for the affair.

I guess I should tell that we are both Christians and have been since childhood. He was raised in a wonderful Christian family, very normal. I was raised in a Christian home with a lot of problems. We met after our first spouses cheated on us. So of course the hurt and sorrow from our previous marriages had us vow to never cheat on each other. I have kept my end of the deal.

In the past when I have confronted him he was sorry and would tell me he would never do it again. We would make up talk things over and move on. I would always ask him to go to marriage counseling with me but he never would go. He's a very smart business man and thinks he can fix things on his own. Obviously he's not as smart as he thinks he is. To do the stupid things he has done.

The affair lasted 18 weeks. During this time I knew things weren't right and tried to find out what he was up to. He was very secretive and he never could "remember" what time his flights were when I asked him or what time he had appointments, and things like that. He was giving himself the time and space to see this women. I would try to ride with him for a doctors appointments he had weekly, and all the sudden he wouldn't be able to tell me what time his appointment were.Obviously a ploy keep me from going along. On two occasions I went by his job to surprise him so I could go and he had already left early to keep me from going. BTW the women he had the affair with worked in this doctors office. "Oh, and she is a Christian too". I knew it was her but couldn't catch them. He drove 45 minutes each way to see this doctor.

My husband is the kind of man that you have to catch in the act or he will not tell the truth. So on one of his business trip I had an uneasy feeling so I looked up the flights he would be taking and found out that he left our house 3 hours before his flight when we only live an hour and twenty minutes from the airport. So I got in my car and drove to the airport. I arrived at 7:45 am drove to the airport parking to see if his truck was parked in his normal parking place and guess what? It wasn't, bad sign! So I drove around to the front of the hotel parking and waited on him. Like clock work he drove past me at 8:00 am only giving himself 25 minutes to catch is flight. Knowing what time he left our house he should have been there by 7:00 am so I was very upset knowing that he had an hour to do whatever he was doing.

When he got home from his trip I confronted him. He tried to deny it like they always do. But this time I told him that I followed him. And that I arrived at the airport before him. To have proof of my trip I went through the airport parking and received a times ticket as my proof. Finally he told me the truth. The shocking truth at that! He had been seeing this women for over four months and on top of that he was having unprotected sex with her. Mind you he is 47 and she is 30. A real ego boost I'm sure! One of my fears is that she is going to come up pregnant. But another of my fears has already come to pass. I found out from my doctor this week the he believes I have an STD, it's the hpv virus. And he is also treating me for a bacterial infection. From the way he talked he believes it's the high risk type that can cause cancer. I will find out next week sometime.

I'm so hurt and heart broken. I confronted him June 6th and since then we have been trying to see if we can remain together. He is more willing to work on his sexual addiction (as he calls it now) more then ever. He is already seeing a counselor and is begging me to at least try. I do love him even after all the hell he has put me through over the years. It seems that every week since June 6th something comes up that wrecks havic on me. Making it almost unbearable to remain with him. Of course the STD is the worst because it's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

I go to a wonderful Christian counselor and have gone to him for over a year. I started seeing him after one of my husband emotional/chatroom affairs. But I needed a women to talk to maybe someone who has been in my shoes and can give me support and

help. Blessing and Thanks in advance for your help!

what did stuff you use w/ your babies?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:16:21 GMT

Hello!

We are going to have our first baby at the end of August. I'd love to know what products you all found most helpful with your little ones... I am going to be staying at home for the first time and feel a bit overwhelmed. I want to do a good job and am just looking for some hints one what sort of things I should purchase and what techniques others used for adapting to life with a new family member. :)

making Bible reading/etc. fun for younger kids

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 03 Jul 2005 22:56:26 GMT

Does anyone have a problem with trying to incorporate family devotionals regularly and/or Bible reading with younger children and them either getting bored or not interested? What things have worked for anyone who has a regular fun family Bible reading/devotional reading/worship time?
Has anyone been successful with sharing Biblical information/scriptures without just "preaching" to your children but by getting them active and involved? If so, how?

Not A Teen Yet

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 02:15:17 GMT

How do I start ...My husband and I have been married for a little over four years. We are a blended family; I have three children and he has one.I noticed right away the difference between my children and his son, also the differences between the boy's behavior and other children his age. I started searching out for some sort of answer, never getting anywhere -- feelings of desperation and the eminent spiraling journey of lunacy 'looming' overhead. The last six months have been better because we were told (by a family counselor) we should look at Autism and Aspberger's Syndrome. Finally a direction! After a little researching we found that both my husband and his son exhibit the signs for Aspberger's. {I would have to agree with the saying, "Knowing is half the battle."} However, we only know of one recent find for an individual that knows something of this disability ... in our area. I don't know where to go, who to talk to, how to move further and get some sort of knowledge/help. I do know that God is bigger than all this and there is a reason why I am here, in this family, in this situation ... I refuse to give up --- I'm frustrated and looking for a sounding board, more information and resources.

Adult step-child steals from you

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:09:57 GMT

I have a step-daughter that is 25, is married and has two children. Recently she was caught stealing from me. She came into our home while we were at work and stole something. By God's grace, there was no other answer, but when confronted she denied it. Her father believed her until (again by God working) another situation reared its head, which left no doubt that she had stolen from me and another person. Her father made her return what she had stolen and after another few weeks made her apologize for stealing. I have hence changed all of her access points into the house, but still do not want her to come over and stay for any length of time. I have reason to suspicion (since she was caught) that the other items that have gone 'missing' in our house over the last few years she is also guilty of taking. This weekend her father told me that the "Christian thing to do" is to forgive her and 'let it go.' I have 'forgiven' her and I continue to pray for her, but my question is do I have to have a relationship with her and allow her free-rein of my home again? Her father has exhibited the behaviour "if you don't talk about it, then it didn't happen." I just don't see that it is my responsibility to just let this all go.

Thank you.

17 Year Old Son Refuses to Obey

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 18 May 2009 21:57:19 GMT

My son just turned 17 and he is already moving into the "I'm 18, I get to do whatever I want" stage. His grades have suffered and he brought home a D and an F on his last report card. I told him that he couldn't drive except to work and school until he brings his grades back up. He continued to go over to girlfriends. I took away his computer and XBox and tried to take away the car. He refuses to give me the keys and the car is in my name. I tried once to pry them out of his hand and he ran and hid the keys. He absolutely refuses to give them to me and dares me to hit him so that he can call the police on me and knows very well that I wouldn't. I feel powerless. I could tackle him when he came in the house but I don't want the physical confrontation to get the keys to the car. I have thought about calling the police to have them come and take the keys from him. I would feel silly asking the police to do this and I certainly don't want him to have a police record because of this. The bigger problem is that my wife and I do not agree on the consequences. They both think that I am just being mean. My wife tells me that I cannot demand respect out anyone. My dad did and that worked!! If I let him continue like this, I feel that I am giving up on my son. I want to sell the car at this point and my wife disagrees. It has hurt my relationship with him and hurting our marriage. Ideas anyone??

Wife is uncomfortable- I am frustrated

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 22:50:05 GMT

I am looking for opinions and advice on an issue between my wife and I. I am 25, she is 24. We have been married for about 2 years. We both grew up in Christian families. We went to the same school and church most of the time we were growing up. We have a great relationship, but there is one issue that is becoming a little frustrating for me. Often times my wife seems (and admits to being) uncomfortable being nude in front of me. Needless to say, this does have an effect on our sex life. This part of our relationship isn't bad, but this can get very frustrating at times. I never had a problem with this from the start of our marriage (as I am sure most men don't). I think the difference is because of the attitudes of each of our families regarding nudity. My wife has 2 sisters and 2 brothers. They had a large house growing up, so they each had their own bedroom and bathroom. Therefore, they never had an issue with not having privacy. As a result of this, I guess they never saw each other naked. Even on vacation, when the family is staying in closer quarters, my wife and her sisters never even change clothes in front of each other or their mother. In contrast, I have just 1 sister who is a couple of years younger than me, and we grew up in a smaller house with only 2 bathrooms. Consequently, my sister and I shared a bathroom. Because of this, it was normal for us to see each other in various stages of undress. Although not very often, I also saw my mother and father naked several times throughout my childhood and teenage years. I feel like this made me comfortable with the naked body, and not ashamed of it in anyway. Am I wrong to think it is weird that my wife won't undress in front of her sisters or mother? More importantly, I would like to know if anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation with my wife. I don't understand why she is still uncomfortable after 2 years. Is this common?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 22:29:58 GMT

ok so this is hard to admit. but here goes. about a week or so ago i cheated on my husband while he was out of town. i didnt intend to do it. it just kindof happend. and its the BIGGEST mistake of my life thus far. i feel as if im turning into my mother. i dont have a reason why or nor do i understand it why. i have told him. and i almost regret it. he has barley spoken to me since. which i know is probally normal. but i dont know where we stand, i want to fix this. if its even fixable. i love him more than anything and i cant believe i hurt him like this he has been an awesome husband and father.and now i feel like trash. i mean how can he forgive me for something so awful. i will never forgive myself. the night i told him he did say some awful things, that i think were way out of line. but then again i guess he has a right to say and do whatever now. he says he cant ever trust me again which again i know. but he also said that i cant ever trust him. he hasnt been sober for days. he told me im crazy and i deserve all the bad things that has happend to me. he said i need help. which i may. im not trying to reverse the blame cause i know its all on me. i just need some advice and since marriage counseling is waaay to expensive for us this is probally the next best thing. thank you all

How do I communicate with wife that has cut me out?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:27:16 GMT

I am new here and reaching out in order to try to find some support for what I feel is a desperate (possibly hopeless) situation. We got married almost two years ago, but my wife and I did not start out in an ideal way. We got pregnant before we were married and then decided we needed to get married. Unfortunately, I was excited about the marriage and excited for my new roles and husband and father. She was not so thrilled but feigns happiness to everyone except me. Although she acted excited about the wedding, she has gradually removed me from her life over the last two years.

We have not had any intimacy since the marriage began and I have not even kissed my wife in over a year. Communication has also continued to get worse and worse. We used to do things together and with our friends, but now she basically has cut me out and does not believe that we should do anything together at all. I have continued to try to be a good husband, do nice things for her, ask her about her feelings and life, but she ignores me or gives me one word answers. She has even asked me not to speak to her at all. She says she does not love me and that I need to stop being stupid and realize that it is stupid for me to love her.

I just don't know what to do. We tried counseling, but my wife quit after 4 sessions and she never participated in any active manner. I will never give up on her or the marriage, but I simply don't know what I can possibly do to change this situation or move things in a positive direction rather than falling into a deeper and deeper hole. I have put my faith in God to get me through this and I know that somehow someday he is going to reveal how this is all part of his plan for me and my wife, but I just get stuck feeling so depressed that I cannot do anything to make this marriage even modestly stronger.

Is there any point to continued hope? Got hates divorce, but is it ever just inevitable? The worst thing through all of this is that my wife, who introduced me to God has nearly abandoned her faith. All comments and prayers would be very much appreciated.

To pastor again or not to pastor again?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 06:02:14 GMT

I have been out of the minsitry for four years. Our church was going through a multi-million dollar law suit, and with pastoring a growing church and the law suit, I shut down mentally. I feel like God is calling me back into the ministry, but everytime I talk with a church I really don't care if I pastor it our not. I did pastor a church bi-vocational for about a year and a half and the church grew from 23 to 63 with a number of baptism's, but during the whole time I was there I didn't care if I was pastoring our not. I am leading worship in a church now, and I enjoy it, but I am not very committed to the church.

Husband looking at nude women on internet - help

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 00:25:15 GMT

Hi- my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. I am a christian he is not. He has been unemployed due to layoff for almost a year now. I find we are having some communication challenges within our relationship. I am also finding that occassionally in the history on the internet he is looking up women images online. Sometimes bathing suit, sometimes nude. There is no really bad porn or anything like that- just images. I have brought it up to him and told him I feel uncomfortable with it. (My former long term relationship I was cheated on and he used the internet to communicate with people. He also cheated on me with others in person. I did not address it)

So now I address it and he says "it's normal and all men do it & I should not compare him to my ex" I told him if he has needs to fulfill he should be coming to me and not taking it outside our marriage boundary. I am open and he refuses to talk to me. We are intimate, but sometimes I can feel the distance. He doesn't pay attention to me the way he did in the beginning. I know after time the "novelty" of each other wears off, but I still am not ok with this. I told him I always look to him for my needs and never go out of my marriage. I don't know what to do with this. We discussed it and he said he won't do it anymore, then today I found more. What do I do?

I don't even know how to approach this again as we had another discussion about some other hard areas in our life just yesterday. I so want to be able to communicate with him but I do not want to start ANOTHER argument.

Thank you.

concerned for my 8 yr. old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:30:14 GMT

My 8 yr. old daughter has discovered self stimulation, I hate to even think of masturbation. I have read that it is common for this to happen, but I am concerned for her. It's seems like she does it every chance she gets. I have talked to her about it and nothing has changed. I'm not sure what to do.

Do you have a question for Dr. Chuck or Dr. Michael Misja?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:36:58 GMT

Is marriage supposed to be easy? While that question can be argued either way, the fact is marriage relationships are difficult for many, many couples. Dr. Chuck and Dr. Michael Misja want to encourage those of you experiencing difficulty in your marriage.

Do you have something you'd like to ask or share with them? Hit reply found at the top right of this post and type in your question. Or, click on 'new' found at the top of this page and type your question. We're looking forward to hearing from you!

I've done it all.

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 00:25:05 GMT

There is a lot of discusssion these days on what type of education is best for our children. The main reason, of course, is that there are so many options. While no one can honestly say one type is better than another, I'd like to share my experience. I started out homeschooling my children and enjoyed it very much. I was a very active educator and my children were very advanced in their academics. After about 5 years of homeschooling, I began to realize that while our family was very happy, my children very solid in their faith in Jesus, that we were impacting no other lives than our own. I felt the Lord begin to deal with me about putting our children into school where they could impact the lives of other children, and we could impact the lives of their parents. Because I enjoyed teaching so much and already had a bachelor's degree, I took the few remaining classes to become a certified teacher . I sent my children and myself into the school system. We began by entering a charter school which was sponsored by a very strong solid church in our area. Most of the teachers were Christians, but not the students. After 4 years at the charter school, we placed our children into the local public school. This was not a small school system, the graduating classes tend to be close to 400 each year. When we placed our children in the public school, it was culture shock for them because of the sexual influence that was so prevalent. However, it was the best decision we made. Our children dug in deeper to the word of God, stood up taller than ever for Jesus, and brought friends to church constantly. They have been used by the Holy Spirit to influence the greatest mission field in our country, the public schools. They have preached sermons through their speeches, their research papaers, and in their science classes. They have been leaders in the Bible studies that meet on Friday mornings, and have brought boatloads of friends to church camp with them every summer. Our children have been involved in every activity that they wanted to, including band, cheerleading, drill team, choir, show choir, softball, theatre, one act competitions, to name a few. Not only have our children influenced others, but they have opened doors for their dad and I to share Jesus with parents who are in desperate situations. We have never had such effective ministry as we have had since putting our children in public school. The harvest in great, the need is great, and I would so encourage Christian parents to consider public school for that very reason. My conclusion is that having Godly children does not depend on what method of schooling you choose, but on having solid Christian parents at home who have a strong relationship with Jesus, each other, and their kids.

Do you know any good books or videos?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:27:59 GMT

My 5 year old daughter loved her new sister for the first couple of months. Now, she is threatening to hurt her, wants me to give her away, etc. My baby is very good. My daughter still receives lots of attention. She is also terrified to go to kindergarten. I will be staying at home with her sister. She responds well to books or videos. Any suggestions?

Introducing Daughter to Birth Parent for the First Time...

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:54:53 GMT

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. Upon our marraige, I adopted her daughter. She is now 13 and has never met her birth father. He has not been in the picture for the 13 years of her life. I have been informed that he is moving to town and I'm not sure of the best way to tell her. In addition, I am having really strange feelings and emotions that range from fear, anger, jealousy, etc.. Are these normal? How do I handle them?

What does dating look like in a Christian family setting-rules, guidelines, boundaries?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:24:21 GMT

Our daughter will be 16 on April 1st. She will soon be driving. We started a little late in our relationship w/God and in teaching our kids about the same. Our daughter is the oldest of our 3 kids. She has been on retreats and loves her youth group. She is a type A strong willed young lady. Being that she is our first, we often flounder on how to deal w/certain issues. Our daughter has had a couple boyfriends in the past, one was left w/a severe broken heart & the 2nd was a misunderstanding. Both boys were a year older. We have had several discussions regarding the issue, however, she thinks what she wants to think & of course mom and dad are wrong. Our rule is that she is not allowed to date and that she can have a guy friend over if we are home and they can watch movies, play games, have dinner w/us whatever. If we personally know the parents, their rules and if there will be supervision, we have allowed her to go to the guy friend's house. Recently, I said how relieved I was that she does not have a particular boy of interest and this whole topic has been allieviated. I had to say those words & jinx myself right?! So now, out of no where there's this kid who seems like a great kid (we've done some investigating) and the whole conversation has been brought back up again. Why can't I date, my friend's think it's stupid that I can't date, blah blah blah blah etc etc etc. My question is "What does dating look like" within a Christian family setting? What kind of foundation or thinking processes do we cover/discuss/lay out for our children?

Another poster asked about her 15yr old daughter dating and the moderators suggested several good books-however, my daughter knows it all so Im not too sure she read these books.... She may be interested in the magazine Teenvirtue possiblly though.

Moderators or other Christian mother's who are on a serious walk w/Jesus comments much appreciated.

Is this still considered a marriage?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:38:02 GMT

My husband & I - we married young, both at age 22, deeply in love and ready to spend the rest of our lives together. We have 3 beautiful gals - ages 5, 7 & 9. As they came so soon one after another, it started to impact our marriage. Young, not fully stable, we had to go thru all the challenges, young babies, in-laws problems, financial issues, work pressure. One after another, fights started to break out between us more & more often. After a long struggle, finally everything started to fall in place, we managed to purchase our own property, get a live-in maid to help with the kids, in-laws began to accept us & things started to sort itself out.

Hubby used to travel often due to work obligations, sometimes up to a week stretch. Slowly I began to felt him drifting away, he was there but I just knew he was not the same person anymore.

2007 - the year all my nightmare started, out of the blue he was asking for divorce saying that we are both different persons now and just not compatible for each other anymore.

Later, I discovered he was having an affair with another woman from another state (found some explicit pix & videos on his laptop). I was devastated but more importantly I wanted to be strong to keep the marriage intact (we are both Catholics). Instead of fighting, I managed to convince him to attend counselling in church. That's when I admitted to him that I knew bout his affairs which he was constantly denying when asked earlier. That's when he came clean with me saying he had had many affairs during his outstation trips. I was broke. After a few sessions of counselling, he finally agreed to work things out and work on the marriage. A small ray of hope, I thought, but a week later I came home after work to find that he has left to the state where the other woman lived. I couldn't take the thought of him sleeping around with other women and coming back to my bed. I packed all his remaining clothes and send it to his mum's place with a letter pleading him to change his ways & that the children & I will be praying & waiting for his return.

It's been 2 years now. I'm pretty much a single mum now running the whole show, struggling to keep our home with my job & whatever he provides on & off. The other woman has moved to our town and living with my husband now. They've bought a new home near my current place and will be moving in sometime next year. My husband has been threatening divorce since 2007 but till now he hasn't done anything, but on & off he uses it to threaten me to get his way. My in-laws are hoping for me to be patient since he has not touched the marriage, hoping that one day he'll turn back home. My daughters have all found about his affair from him, he said he doesn't want to hide anything from them. I met with an accident a few months back & he came all out to help me & the children, to take care of all my needs. But he still goes back to his mistress at the end of each day. He has said to me that he'll always be around to take care of me & the children, but is this the kind of life my gals & I need? Is there any future in this? I still want our marriage to work out and still have very deep feelings for him. I have wished so many times that these feelings will go away so that I can move on, but it's not.

I've lost my happiness for more than 2 years and I'm still lost.

Unfaithful husband

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 31 May 2010 19:03:48 GMT

I work overseas had an affair and my wife found out, I want to repair us but I don't know how.

my husband says he no longer loves me, can this marriage be saved?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 16:35:50 GMT

For the past two years I have been living in Italy with my husband, we've been married for almost 2 years and dated for about 5. About a month ago he told me that he his heart was no longer with us in the relationship and although he loved me, he was no longer in love with me. He told me that I needed to go back to California (despite me wanting to stay in Italy to work on our marriage) and work on myself. He told me that he didn't feel challenged by me, that I had lost my self-confidence, my independence (everything that had attracted him to me in the first place) and that my sadness and depression had made him feel that he was living in a dark cave and he could no longer do it. I can't argue with him on this points because I've seen it (and they are the points I'm working now on myself here in California). Being in a foreign country I had to relay on him for almost everything even though I've always been a strong, independent woman and I felt that I lost myself and I feel into a depression not knowing how to handle it. He also felt that he lost himself and in that began going out till all hours of the night hanging out with new friends after he asked for the separation. He sought an emotional relationship with a girl that he worked with because he felt that he no longer wanted to share things with me which I found through inappropriate text messages on his phone. He had recently lost his job a few weeks before, and I was under the impression that his sadness was a reflection of losing the job but he said he started having this "weird feeling" a month before he lost his job. After he told me, he quickly filed for separation and told me to "expect the worst"- (divorce in Italy is automatic after 3 years of being separated) and bought me a plane ticket back to California so I can work on myself. Basically sending away "the problem", me, so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. He said that we were on two different roads, and he didn't want me to be in Italy any more with him. He told me that he will always keep the lines of communication open. I recently read Love Must Be Tough and unknowingly applied the rules (let him have his freedom, working on myself and keeping the "mystery" of what I was doing) and received an e-mail asking about how I was doing, but it was very guarded and slightly cold. I don't believe this marriage can be saved as much as I desperately want it to and pray that God will save it (he's a non-believer, I'm a follower of Christ.)
He said that the commitment that he made to me wasn't the same as the commitment that I made to him, and he didn't feel it was worth fighting for but yet he said that he never questioned marrying me was the wrong thing to do but that he he feels he was only in love with the idea of loving me and caring for me and now he's burned out.

Is it even possible to save a marriage like this? How do you have your husband fall in love with you again when he's in one country and you are in another?

MIL unhappy with me no matter what

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:10:48 GMT

This is just the latest problem. My husband and I have been married for nearly 12 years, but my mother-in-law only started acting displeasd with me when we had our first child together, who is now seven years old. (I have a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage.) Prior to that, she was fairly decent to me, even though I could see that she had behavior issues with others (namely her husband and her husband's sister).

A few days ago, my MIL told me over the phone (they live about 75 miles away) to plan to come to town on June 21st, as she is hosting her 60th wedding anniversary party at a restaurant (a very expensive one, I might add). I replied that we were very sorry, but we would not be able to come, because my oldest daughter and I were going to a conference together in another state, and that we have had the plans made and plane tickets bought for many months now. My husband, a bit concerned about his first time taking care of the two younger girls alone (who are seven and three) had planned to take them on an "adventure" camping trip for the same time period, to keep them occupied and hope they won't miss Mommy so much.

She immediately became very upset and demanded that we would all have to change our plans, since the 60th only comes around once. I again said I was sorry, but that our travel plans were not able to be changed. She said that we obviously don't care about the family or we would change them. I said that if she felt so strongly that we all needed to be there that it would have been helpful if she had checked our availability before she reserved and made the arrangements. Her answer was that she didn't need to check with anyone since it is her anniversary. I also mentioned that it would be up to my husband whether or not he would change his plans with the younger girls. She said that he had better change his plans and be there, and that after all, as long as her son and her blood grandchildren were there, that they were the ones who really matter.

The fact is that I am very saddened that we won't be able to attend. I am also offended to think that since it is a very small family, with only three sons, that she really could have checked with all of us before making her plans. Up until the last couple of years, my in-laws were big travelers, so they should understand that people can't easily change flight plans. And in our case, my daughter and I have been wanting to attend this particular Christian conference for several years, and I have worked hard to save the money to be able to go. (I am a stay-at-home mom, and we live on a very tight budget. It is a real gift that my husband is watching the younger girls to allow my oldest and me to have a long weekend away.)

Of course, my husband has decided to forego the camping trip to be available for his parents. I have mixed feelings about this. For one, her comment that only blood really mattered was very hurtful. She had always been good to my oldest until the first blood child was born, and then her behavior changed. It is a terrible thing to see this - your child hurting. Secondly, I feel that by his changing his plans, he is cowtowing to her demands and just making the problem of her control issues even worse. I think that he should stand behind the family and say hey, you should have checked with us, but we have other plans. This way she has no incentive to ever think about others first.

He thinks I should always ignore these types of issues. "That's the way she is and she isn't going to change." I realize that to some extent, but why? Why should I let her talk to me this way, etc. At Easter dinner she told me I was ridiculous for taking the three year old to speech therapy (doctor recommended). And when I mentioned to a sister-in-law that I admired her ability to chat with strangers because I am so shy, MIL butted in to say, "You're not shy - you're antisocial."

I know from reading some of the other posts, that my problem seems small in comparison, but I really dread having to see or talk to her because I never know what she will say or do next. No matter what I do, I cannot please her.

If anyone has any thoughts, I would sure love to hear them.