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Life has been turned upside down

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:49:48 GMT

Recently my husband told me that because of a business relationship with a finance company and mishandling of money that he is looking at a prison sentence of 3-6 years in federal prison. We have been married 19 1/2 years and have 6 children. He has known of this possibility for several years but the investigation has taken a long time. He has cooperated from the very beginning and I guess had hoped that a deal could have been worked out that didn't involve jail time. He is the sole provider in our family and has made no provisions for us to have income while he is away or to pay overdue bills with his company. Now that he has been contacted about a plea deal the time is coming soon so he decided it was time to tell me. I love my husband and the life we have created but I am so angry at him for putting us in this situation. Each day I am faced with the reality of having to provide for my family when I haven't worked in 18 years. I do not have any experience or college education. With 6 children a minimum wage job will not go very far and one child is not in school yet so I will be faced with putting him in daycare. It is hard for me and hard on my husband...we know our time is limited and there is so much to accomplish. He has not been sentenced so we do not know how long this will take. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I can't fix it. I'm angry at him...angry at myself ...angry at everything. The reality of my husband going to jail is not something I can discuss with my family and I don't have any close friends that I could talk to about this. Just getting through the day is so difficult...as I do normal daily activities I think about that in a few months I will be doing this alone. How do we survive this? How do I protect our family from the gossip, provide for their daily needs and prepare for the future for all of us and for his return?e

12 year old daughter and attitude

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:31:41 GMT

My 12 year old daughter has been extremely moody lately. Rude, disrespectful and it seems that nothing I do or say is right. Is this due to her age or could it be something else. I really didn't expect to deal with this until she was a little older. My 16 year old son didn't start his "teenage" stuff until he was 15.

Will he ever commit?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:58:55 GMT

I wonder if someone can offer some advice? I feel so stuck!

I am 35 and my boyfriend is 40. We have been together for 10 month although it is a long distance relationship, so we have not bonded as quickly as we might have done if we saw each other more frequently. We currently see each other every four weeks and before we started a relationship, he pursued me for about 9 months. I noticed a behaviour with him at the time, that he would seem to get very close but then if I returned the closeness, he would back off a little. However, after several months of this, he finally asked me and I agreed and we have been together since. I know that he likes me a lot because of the things he does - he has yet to tell me he loves me. He is a perfect gent, treats me really well, is happy to spend money to come and see me, will go out of his way to do something with me, even though I know he really doesn't want to do it. However, he has never been a great one for talking on the phone - we have vastly different work schedules (he works night shifts) so just as I am ending my day, he is starting his, which adds a further complication. I feel like he will withdraw from me too....he will be very close for a couple of days and then he will seem to back off and I wont hear from him for a day or so....but then he will spring back and everything is wonderful again.

He told a mutural friend recently that he was really enjoying our relationship, taking time to get to know me, learning how to be best friends and he added that because there was no pressure from me to get married, he felt relaxed and in a position that he had never been in before. He said the idea of getting married terrified him....though my friend didn't find out whether or not he saw himself as getting married 'some day'.

So, we were together last weekend and we had such a wonderful time...we went on proper dates, he was incredibly attentive,very 'touchy/feely' and romantic. On previous occasions he has brought up the idea of me moving closer to him and so on this occasion, I mentioned there was a possibility of a short term work contract nearer to him. He raised his eyebrows and just went 'Ohhh' and then changed the subject. I didn't take that as a good sign....though later on in the evening we were at dinner with friends and one of them asked me if I would consider moving. Before I opened my mouth, he jumped in with 'Well, there is a possibility of her taking a short term contract nearer to me....isn't there??' I took that to mean he was ok with it! We have previously talked about it very lightly and he told me that the idea of me moving does not freak him out at all....but his biggest concern would be that if I moved and 'we' did not work out, I could end up isolated having given up everything for him. I agreed....but said that was just a risk and that was the way life is.

I feel sometimes like I get mixed messages here. When we are physically in the same place, we have so much fun together, we get on great, we are very affectionate with each other....we always stay with his family so I know his parents and close friends really well. He was very keen to meet my family too and he comes from a strong, stable upbringing (no divorces or instability) and yet I just dont know where I am with him. I don't feel like I can talk to him for fear of it coming out as 'pressure'. I should add that I am in no depserate rush to get married....I am very indepedent, have never had any incredible desire for children (I am not against the idea....I just don't have this sense of a biological clock ticking) and so I don't even want a big commiment from him right now. I just want to know though whether he could see us being together 'one day'....and if I can invest any more of my heart with him. I do love him (I haven't told him this) and it feels like when he is with me, he loves me too. He says things like 'we're a perfect partnership, you and me' and he plans ahead for what we will do next month etc....but then one of us comes home and the communication between us seems to dry up (we text or email most days...but you can't really substitute that for a decent phone call!) and I go back to feeling like a part-time girlfriend.

I am at a real crossroads here. I want to move on to a new job, I love where he lives and the community he is part of....they have accepted me and his family has even asked me if I'd consider moving....and yet...I just don't know where I stand with him.

I am confused, sad and feel stuck....I really would love some godly counsel!

Is My Husband Having An Emotional Affair?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 21:06:28 GMT

This is the first time I have posted, and I praise God for this forum and the hope of being able to get some help. I am really struggling in my marriage right now. I have been married for over 30 years, and for most of those years I have had a wonderful, close, relationship with my husband. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband owns his own business. He works very hard to provide for our family but, unfortunately, this usually involves long hours working from 7am-10pm most weeknights, half day Saturday and sometimes Sunday. We also have a missions-oriented ministry that we started together about seven years ago.

About five years ago, we met a married couple at church that we liked very much. We became very close and started spending alot of time with them. The wife joined our missions team and we were happy to have her. As time went on, she became more involved with things and started helping my husband with some of the activities we were involved with (i.e. emails, phone calls, contacting people, advertising). She is a very hard worker and enjoyed serving and being in the middle of things. After awhile, I began to feel that she and my husband were developing a close relationship - one that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. She began taking on responsibilities that were once mine and my husband was spending alot of time interacting with her via email, cell phone, and texting. I also found out that on numerous occasions they had had coffee and lunch together and my husband never told me. Another concern was that my husband always wanted to get together and do things with this couple - every weekend - but he never wanted to spend time with just me. We share the same circle of friends with this couple and when we end up at events together, it always seems like my husband and the wife always end up together in some way, sitting together, talking, laughing, and joking around.

As time went by she took on more responsibility in our ministry, and before I knew it, she was doing pretty much everything for him. She became his assistant, his confidant, and (I felt) my replacement. Some new people that joined our ministry were surprised when they found out that I was his wife and not her. On several occasions I spoke to him about how I felt. But he always said nothing was going on, that I was being jeleous and unreasonable. Finally I felt God was telling me I needed to put a stop to this and I told my husband that I needed him to distance himself from her. He said he didn't know how to do that because she was such an integral part of our lives (our ministry, our good friends, our church, and also in another service organization that she and my husband belong to). I came up with some suggestions which he agreed to. Things got a little better and he has taken on more responsibility in the ministry, but three out of four Sunday afternoons last month were spent with this couple. There was always some excuse to justify it that I couldn't say no to. And a few days ago I was looking in the ministry email to get information about an event that we have coming up, and I noticed that he is still sending her emails. He is asking for her opinion on certain matters and copying her on emails sent to other people. These emails are not of a personal nature, but I am longing to be his assistant, confidant, and his help-mate. He does not ask for my opinion or copy me on any emails. The things that I have mentioned here just scratch the surface of what's been going on. There is not enough room here to tell the whole story.

I just don't know what to do. I have tried working on myself. I went to a Christian counselor for awhile. I tried to get my husband to go but he refused. I try to make our home a place that he will want to come home to. I keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, fix a good dinner. I try to look my best when he gets home and be happy to see him. I don't bring up problems or nag and complain. But he just can't seem to separate himself from this woman.

I have spoken confidentially to a couple of Christian friends and they have suggested that I talk to her. I suggested this to my husband and he said absolutely not. He didn't want her to get mad and quit our ministry group. But when he says something like that, it makes me feel like she is more important than my feelings.

From what I have described here, is my husband having an emotional affair? If anyone can share their experience or insight, I would very much appreciate it.

How to know if God wants me to hold on or if it's just my own desire

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 02:10:00 GMT

It has been almost a year since I posted anything but felt led to do so today. My wife and I have now been apart for nearly a year with constant contact because of our daughter.

She filed for a divorce over six months ago but did not complete the other paperwork regarding the finances etc. so I am not really sure what that means. I don't want to raise the issue if by some miracle she is having doubts about her decision to divorce. I am assuming that since we have a child and there is some financial issues that the courts would have to determine that things are not final, but not really sure. That really sounds ridiculous seeing it on screen but that's the reality. Any counsel on that issue would be appreciated.

The second and most important question is should I continue to hold on when all earthly evidence says to move on, it's over. Or should I remain steadfast to the covenant I made to my wife and to God. I felt several months ago that I was letting her go but just needed confirmation from God for the final goodbye. I prayed and asked Him to help me completely let her go. Almost immediately my feelings for her came to the surface and numerous interaction between her and I were almost like the good times, with that ever present discomfort of "oh that's right we are not suppose to talk like this or enjoy each others company any more. I have since started to have some deeper type of love for her that is hard to put to words. It does seem to be from God though. I wish I could explain it but really can't. Hope somebody out there might be able to clarify, explain or put words to those feelings. I love her deeper, with no expectations and almost no hope of reconciliation despite her actions or inaction. That's the best I can do.

We have been married for sixteen years and have a wonderful 10 year old daughter that almost seems to be enjoying to some degree the individual attention she know gets from each of us.

What should I do, how should I pray for her, my daughter and for our families? Is it just an unwillingness to move on or is it staying true to my commitments? From someone who has walked in my wife's shoes, do you think there is any hope and if so what can or should I do?

Prayers and much appreciation.

My husband is going to prison.... what now?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:32:02 GMT

My husband started having an affair about three years ago, and from that sin stemmed many other life changing decisions. He was arrested and charged with several non violent felonies about 6 months ago. I have been praying for him through this whole nightmarish situation and although it has been extremely painful, decided to committ my marriage to God and wait for Him to bring my husband back to the fold. He has repented and is trying very hard to make up for all the pain that he has caused. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and is prepared for the consequenses. My problem is that we have four small children ages 6, 5, 3, and 2. I am in nursing school and recently got a job working nights. But I only make about $300 per week. I don't know how I am supposed to support my children and pay the bills while he is gone. He could be looking at 5 years or more in prison. They have never set foot in a daycare. I was a stay at home mom until about 2 months ago. Even without the dangers of daycare I don't see how I could afford it at $70 per week per child. My parents live four hours away and can't help and my church thinks I should leave him. I just don't know what to do....

Does anyone have any advice for helping with a husband that is addicted to video games?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 02:02:14 GMT

does anyone have any advice for helping with a husband that is addicted to video games? Either books to read or advice.

Responding to his past

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 20:50:24 GMT

Dear Focus on the Family community,

I am in an ideal relationship with a wonderful, Christlike young man, and I have never felt so cherished. We were praying about getting engaged soon when questions about the past came up. I knew that my boyfriend had slept with someone a number of years ago and felt deeply regretful about this. However, he just shared that he had also been sexually immoral in relationships since then, including just several months before we started dating. He had felt so filthy and down after the first incident that I guess he lost hope and strength for better, and began to rationalize his actions. He is a wonderful spiritual leader and seems to be victorious in every aspect of his life except this one. I have always wanted to keep myself pure for my future husband and have never so much as kissed anyone, so we have held high standards in our current relationship. I know he has been relieved and renewed by being able to seek Christ with me, and he wants to raise a strong Christian family with me. However, I am hurt and surprised by his recent actions, I am concerned that he wasn't able to maintain high standards until he was with me, and I am worried that it might be unwise for me to be engaged to him. I'm not so concerned about the past, but should I be concerned about his character?

I would appreciate your advice and prayers!

Says he won't compliment me b/c it leads to sinful thoughts. Reasonable?

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:32:05 GMT

I am dating and soon to be engaged to a wonderful Christian man. I know he loves God and seeks to follow Him, and I know he loves me too. But he really struggles with sinful thoughts re. us having sex. Which I find incredibly flattering, I have to admit! But he never really compliments me or is very expressive about his feelings for me, and that bothers me. I've told him a few times that I really wish he'd compliment me more, or at the very least send me cutesy cards or a quick note here and there. I really don't think I'm asking for much. But he says he tries not to think about how I look because it leads him to impure thoughts. Also, there are times we're together when he acts really distant. This has happened a few times, and he's told me later that he was deliberately doing that because he felt the impulse to kiss me/etc. So he was trying to keep some space to protect me. But from my perspective, during these times, it looks to me like he doesn't want to be with me--like he's having a terrible time!

I believe wholeheartedly that he's telling the truth here. And I've seen it in other ways. And I have no doubt that he loves me, and I know he wants to keep our relationship pure. I personally think he's swung to this extreme because he did have sex before he became a Christian, and he doesn't want to be tempted. We have strict physical boundaries; we only hold hands, and sometimes he puts his arm around me. We never kiss or hug, and we're never alone in either of our homes.

Is it unreasonable for me to need more validation from him? To know that he finds me beautiful? He tells me he loves me all the time. Am I jsut being selfish? Also, I am really tired of going out with him and feeling like he'd rather be anywhere else except for me! I know he's struggling with temptation during those times. And not all dates are like this. But am I justified in feeling really frustrated during these times?

Thank you so much for reading this! Any input would be sooooo appreciated.

Need advice on emotional 11 yr old

community@focusonlinecommunities.com — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 01:34:41 GMT

I have been struggling with the best way to deal with my daughters often outburst of being upset, angry etc. This has been going on for the last couple of years and I know its more of an internal thing. I don't know where to draw the line as she often blames being misunderstood and not every saying the right thing. She is a very smart girl, no issues in school, loves to read. But she seems to let the smallest things bring her down to tears. I can't tell if she's just wanting attention or if there is a different issue. Lately when we get into arguments she begins to make absolutely no sense which has me very concerned. She will say one thing and then swear she never said it 5 mins later. Its an ugly cycle and I'm at my end. I've uncovered through our talks that she feels its unfair that everyone gets to tell her what to do but she never has any say. She has had a tough time in school and always comes home complaining that everyone makes fun of her, that her teachers yell at her, its always something. She never seems to be happy. Nothing seems to excite her and she always gives up on things way to easily. I have tried to instill a good work ethic, she has chores that she is responsible for and helping around the house with no allowance. She's a good kid and has a big heart - always wants to help everyone she can. But I am concern she plays a victim for attention and is battling some emotions she doesn't know how to handle. Her father left about 7 years ago and I've been with her Stepdad for 3 years. He has been a wonderful father to her but they have a sometimes strained relationship because of this too. We just don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated!