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Don't Be Afraid to Talk About Miscarriage

Posted by Jim_Daly on Feb 9, 2012 5:14:52 AM

Her name is Yeva Esther Shaw. I never met her, but I will one day. I’m sure of it.Yeva1.jpg

 

Hopefully you will, too.

 

She was a beautiful girl, perfect in every way, not a care in the world. Her parents had such dreams for her, even as dad wondered if he might measure up to the privilege of raising a daughter.

 

After all, that’s just what good dads do, isn’t it?

 

But then came the signs and the uneasy feelings. Something wasn’t right.

 

It couldn’t be happening, could it?

 

Nervous searching online for clues only raised their level of anxiety. A call and a trip to the doctor followed. And then came the sad confirmation they feared most of all.

 

“An Angel in the book of life wrote down our baby’s birth,” penned one grieving mother, “and whispered as she turned the page, ‘Too beautiful for earth.’”

 

Indeed, we may have our dreams, but it’s God who holds the direction and destiny of our days.HannahsHopeCover1.jpg

 

Yeva is the daughter of two of my colleagues here at Focus, Ashley and Rajeev Shaw. Our hearts ache for their loss. Yet, we pray with peace and assurance knowing that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

 

Pregnancy loss is one of those topics that most people shy away from talking about because one, it’s just so sad and two, admittedly, it can be an awkward matter to discuss.

 

But just because something is difficult to discuss doesn’t mean you shouldn’t broach the topic with a woman or man who is hurting over it.

 

As Ashley wrote to her teammates (and has given me permission to share with you):

 

Please feel free to speak to us about the miscarriage. I know it’s not easy. But we don’t want to hide the fact that we have a daughter and that she’s in heaven. I know some parents would rather keep things like this private, which is understandable, but we want to honor our daughter by letting people know about her.

 

Isn’t that beautiful?

 

As another mother who suffered a loss once reflected,

 

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.

 

This is where life is really lived, where the challenges and grittiness of the world’s imperfections grab your heart and just won’t let go.

 

If you know someone who has just miscarried and suffered a sudden loss of a child, don’t be afraid to talk with them about it. If that someone is you, I hope you might permit us the privilege of ministering to you and your loved ones. We care about you and your grief. Our counselors are available to talk. Please consider giving us a call or visiting this page to access some helpful resources.

 

Don’t be afraid to talk about the children such as Yeva who now live and sing with the angels in Glory.

 

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Comments (31)
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Feb 9, 2012 6:55 AM Guest Keri  says:
Thank you so much for this beautiful and timely post.  I am blessed to have a 9 year old named Annabelle and 5 year old named Eli, my son has been praying for a little sister for months now, and on Christmas day we let them know that I was 7.5 weeks pregnant.  They were overjoyed! Then a week and a half later at 9 weeks I had some unsettling symptoms and found out at a Dr. visit that our baby was gone to heaven.  My husband and I had known for 6 weeks of our baby, our children less than two, but our family grieves for our loss.  Our faith has comforted us, along with our prayers and prayers made on our behalf by others, but there is still sadness, we know that we are in his hands and are weathering this storm.  I agree with the family in your post, please talk to us about our baby, it is hard to act as if nothing has happened, but people can be afraid of their own comments, we are very understanding that your sentiments mean more than having "the right words" and the love that we feel by your acknowledment means so much.
Feb 9, 2012 7:22 AM Guest Sarah H  says:

Rajeev and Ashley...my husband and I have three little ones waiting for us in heaven. They went back to the arms of the Lord so early on in the pregnancies, that we don't know their genders, but God does. We have two beautiful children here with us and take great joy from the gift of their presence in our lives, but I truly look forward to meeting my other children someday. I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to have the thoughts, dreams, hopes, visions of what life with that little baby will be like come to that sudden end. It's a very hard mental shift, to say the least.

 

God is so good to hold us in His loving arms through these times, and I take great comfort in knowing he holds my children too - keeping them safe until the day we can be together with Him. May you know that comfort as well.

 

God bless you.

Sarah
Feb 9, 2012 9:57 AM Guest Sheryl P.  says:
I still remember the pain of losing my first baby 27 1/2 years ago.  I could have used Focus on the Family's counseling back then.  I was depressed.  So many people expected me to "snap out of it."  Most were afraid to mention anything, and even avoided sharing photos of their children with me. Someone did offer to pray with me, and told me that it was the devil who took my baby -- that didn't make me feel good, either.  I cherished the moment when someone came up to me, unaware that I had lost the baby, to congratulate me ... Even though it made me cry -- for that moment, my baby was alive in her mind -- and acknowledged. Some tried to comfort me by saying I would have more babies. I remember wondering how they could be so sure?  I did end up having 4 healthy babies, but not all are as fortunate.  I received one simple card, from someone unexpected; it comforted me to know that someone cared.
Feb 9, 2012 10:01 AM Guest Audrey  says:
What a wonderful and much needed message to the Christian community. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Tears and prayers for Rajeev and Ashley from our family.
Feb 9, 2012 10:36 AM martin100 martin100    says:
Its a good post
Feb 9, 2012 11:43 AM Guest Anna  says:
Thanks for this - a friend of mine just recently called me and told me about the loss of her unborn baby. Looking for ways to minister to her and comfort her in this time of loss! Thanks
Feb 9, 2012 1:38 PM Guest Lisa  says:

Beautiful. It is very much needed. I am the Mother of 10 living children and 6 in Heaven. I am currently writing a book on this subject,  from a Catholic perspective, particularly focusing on the questions and issues we had personally dealt with over time. Many mothers do not know what options they have regarding funeral arrangements and keepsake boxes for their babies. Sometimes it is hard for others to understand the bond we have with our children-living and deceased.

Our "Little Angels" are: Elise Marie (1995), Nathaniel Isaiah(2002), Baby Faith(2003), Baby Hope(Ben's Twin), Baby Charity(2009), and Baby Mercy(2010). God Bless You.

Lisa
Feb 9, 2012 2:07 PM Guest Amy B  says:
This is a wonderful article. I had two miscarriages within the past year. It is a heartbreaking experience. I have openly talked about it to friends and family, sometimes it was a little akward talking about it but I was never ashamed. I have 2 beautiful babies who are now in heaven. I am happy to say that I also have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who keeps me very busy and I am expecting a baby boy in April. I will always hold a special place in my heart for my two babies that I lost but I am faithful that one day I will get to see their beautiful faces. If you are going through this terrible loss please cling to the Lord and your family to get you through this hard time. For the family and friends whose loved one has recently had a miscarriage, be there to listen and pray that the Lord will give them the strength.
Feb 9, 2012 3:21 PM Guest Ginger M  says:

After a second miscarriage, I put pen to paper and wrote a poem to my own little angel.  It was a way for me to allow God to mend my hurts.

 

Do you look at me from heaven,

and search my upturned face?

Do you wonder if I miss you still,

or if someone could take your place?

I know I think of you at times

I imagine who you are

I want to hold you close to me,

but I cannot reach that far.

I know heaven is the perfect place,

and I'm sure you wouldn't trade.

But in a dream you could visit me

so your memory won't fade

I knew you for a little while

before you had to leave

And I will know you once again

this I must believe!

I know you're not alone or sad

The way I feel at times.

Do you even watch me now

as I sit and write you rhymes?

 

Thank you for writing this story.  I wish this resource had been available for me as I struggled through the loss of my babies.
Feb 9, 2012 3:02 PM Guest Audra L  says:
Wonderful post! We will one day meet our sweet angels again!
Feb 9, 2012 4:08 PM Guest Anne  says:
Good on you, Jim, (and FotF) for opening the discussion.  I would add to this conversation that miscarriage means joining the ranks of bereaved parents, and being much in need of long term support.  If we are going to claim life at conception, that also means parents at conception. However, the commonness of miscarriage (particularly in the 1st trimester) along with the fact that we've been trained to talk about fetuses rather than babies tends to draw even Christians away from thinking of themselves as parents before 22 weeks or so.  This mindset is so sad and so wrong. Families who babies die in the first trimester grieve deeply, though they have been conditioned to stuff it after a brief while, and certainly after they have given birth to full-term a healthy child. There's no measuring stick for grief and no timetable to ajudge its duration.  While I can think of few (if any) things more profoundly sad than still birth, infant death, child death, or the death of an adult child (no parent should have to go through the experience of outliving their child ever) how could we decide who among those parents suffered the greater grief? You'd never find me entering that argument. That's for sure!  Yet, families that endure the horrors of miscarriage seldom make it onto the continuum of parental bereavement. There's an area for change that can start in our own minds, homes, churches, and ministries. In an early term miscarriage, the BABY that did not survive is the same baby that is being fought for in our abortion laws and related medical care.  We should put the same energy into rescuing the miscarried baby from being labeled merely a "POC" (product of conception).  We should also learn to have compassion that extends past treating miscarriage as something merely common.  Any mother who has suffered a miscarriage will tell you that there is nothing more UNcommon than delivering your BABY over a toilet alone at home.  Sorry if I am preaching to some members of the choir here, but I feel strongly about upholding the logic and value that we say begins at conception.  Miscarriage is a very sorrowful loss...the death of a child. 
Feb 9, 2012 4:56 PM Guest Kristin Y.  says:
I am the mother of 16 children. 6 in my care and 10 in the care of Jesus. I've lost 4 children just this year. Twins in the first trimester, a son ( Gabriel Christian)  born asleep in October, and another first trimester loss just in January. I'm trying to trust in the Lord, He gives and takes away. But ..I'm hurting immeasurably....
Feb 9, 2012 7:31 PM Guest Ashley  says in response to Sarah H:

Sarah H,


Thank you for sharing about your three little ones in heaven, and your two here on earth. Hearing about the experiences and encouragement from other parents is particularly helpful. May the LORD bless you.


Ashley S.
Feb 9, 2012 7:32 PM Guest Ashley  says in response to Audrey:

Audrey:

 

Thank you so much for reading! We so, so appreciate your prayers.


Ashley S.
Feb 9, 2012 7:32 PM Guest Ashley  says in response to Ginger M:

Ginger! I read this poem over and over, shocked at how you put so many of my own feelings into a poem. How beautiful. May the LORD bring comfort, and bless you for sharing your work of art!


Ashley S.
Feb 9, 2012 7:32 PM Guest Ashley  says in response to Kristin Y.:

Kristin

 

Yours is a loss that is nearly impossible to comprehend. Thank you for sharing your grief so honestly. Rajeev and I will remember you as we pray.

 

While I don't pretend to understand the full extent of this Scripture, it continues to comfort me: You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Psalm 56:8

 

Sincerely,

 

Ashley S.
Feb 9, 2012 8:02 PM Guest Mona  says:
While Ashley and Rajeev should certainly be commended for talking openly about the loss of their child, I want to speak to those women who chose not to say anything publicly when they miscarried. Just because some people do talk openly on this subject, no one who has suffered such a loss and did not talk about it should feel that they are less loving, less faithful, less brave or less anything else. People are very different and we all grieve differently. Just be sure and give yourself time to grieve because it hurts. I think the thing that surprised me even more than the profound grief was the feeling of failure that came with the miscarriages. So even if you are like me and you chose not to share your loss publicly, talk to someone. I think you'll be surprised to find out how many people around you have experienced this same grief.
Feb 9, 2012 9:51 PM Guest Peggy  says:
Dear Friends in Christ, While so many of you have voiced many of the feelings I have had in regards to the 3 miscarriages that I have suffered through, there is one subject left unspoken. When I had my third miscarriage, I was what some would call a baby-Christian. Being new in my faith and in a marriage that was only in it's third year I was so excited to be pregnant again as my husband wanted a son of his own. We had 2 daughters together and 2 children from my previous marriage. When I went in for my routine appointment at 3 and one half months, they were unable to find a heartbeat. I was devastated but not as much as when I found that it was too late in my pregnancy to do a routine D& C. I had to go through the horror of having to be induced and deliver my sweet baby boy, who fit in the palm of my hand. Even at such an early stage this beautiful baby was fully developed other than having a very long torso and a flat nose. My heart broke and my poor husband could not talk at all. We were in a wonderful Military hospital where we had special berevement nurses who went through so much special care to make him presentable to us and take pictures and take time to name and pray over him. Nothing could have been done with more care and compassion than was given to us by our nursing staff, yet something was still left undone. It was not until my dear friend and mentor came to visit me at the hospital did it all make the most sense to me. I was then unable to contain it any longer. I was ANGRY at GOD!! It wasn't until this encounter with my dear friend that I was able to admit this and was of course ashamed. But she gave me an out when I told her what I was feeling. She made me understand that God himself knew exactly how I felt because he had lost His Son too . Yes, He had been taken away from God to save all of us. God knew exactly how I was feeling and of course how you are feeling right now and you know if anyone tells you that you have no right to be angry at God don't listen. God knows your heart and would not expect anything less of you. My friend went on to tell me to pray that God would show me how something good would come of my loss. Well, I didn't have long to wait. The following Sunday morning during our adult Sunday school class a friend who was very active in anti-abortion education was doing a lecture. She was so shocked to see me and almost begged me not to come to class but I knew it was right where God intended me to be. You see when I was induced to deliver my little Daniel, I was induced with cervical gel that is normally used in abortions. I was able to recount first hand to the folks at the class exactly what I had gone through and the very uncomfortable procedure that I endured. My husband and I did have our son Joshua, named because I was reading the book of Joshua when I got saved. Over the years since his birth 14 years ago I have had many opportunities to share my testimony with other women who have miscarried or lost children in other ways and they too were thankful that someone gave them the permission to be angry but to also look for God's good to come forth one day.I pray Ashley and Rajeev that you will one day see the blessing that perhaps this forum we are all taking part in may one day be a blessing to other couples like ourselves simply to be able to openly express their feelings whatever they may be. God bless you both with His Peace.
Feb 10, 2012 7:54 AM Guest Lydia  says:

on january 1,2011 

i was carring twins and lost one of the twin. i was able to carry my son 6mons after, i lost one of my twins. He was 13 week premie. was in the NICU. Its was hard.
Feb 10, 2012 8:35 AM Guest Donna  says:
It will be 2 yrs ago on Valentine's Day I lost my baby.  Love was just 8 weeks.  I had known for 2 weeks the miscarriage was eminent.  Love was a blighted ovum yet when the miscarriage happened the sac was that of 8 weeks.  Most people I know have actually told me I shouldn't grieve for Love because there was never a baby.  There was never a heart beat to hear nor a body to see nor to baptize nor to burry.  But my heart tells me different.  Love's little soul is in Mary's arms.  How I long for the day I can meet my Love.  I call him Love because I was urged to have a C & C or take a drug to push everything out when the miscarriage was diagnosed @ 6 weeks.  I had seen the empty sac and the movement of the contractions of my uterus, but I just kept thinking what if they are wrong.  I knew the chances were less than 1%.  I had been bleeding since New Years.  My mom told me that the D & C and the drug were no big deal.  Just to do it.  But I couldn't.  I ended up passing out from the blood-loss and it took me 3 weeks to recover enough to get out of bed to care for my 2 girls ages 17 months and almost 3 yrs old.  God has since given me my son Matthew, but I still think of Love...so called because I was a witness to a mother's love for her unborn child to my pro-choice family and I believe Love help them see the worth of a life lost so young even if it was for just a short time.  No one speaks of Love anymore and that hurts me more to act like that little baby was never here.  That my heart does not miss the child my arms never held and my eyes never saw.  Thank you so much for this opportunity to talk about Love.
Feb 10, 2012 9:08 AM Guest DK  says:

My husband and i were thrilled to be expanding our cute family of 3 (+one hairy dog) to a great round number of 4 ... we even got our son a proud Big Brother shirt to tell famiy and friends. We were even blessed to have an early ultrasound when i suppose to be 10 weeks. we saw our tiny lil' one on screen, heart beating slowly but surely and deteremined to make it. the docs just thought we were off by a few weeks, but i guess you could call it a mother's intuition - i knew something wasn't right. it took them a LONG time to even get a good shot and even longer to get answers. but after review they didn't seemed worried and i felt that maybe it was just a silly feeling. then those unmistakable symptoms came just a week later ... and the trip to the ER with the spoken words that left a scar for life. wounded and hurt we were left to grieve and pray. there are moments in life you know what to pray and when to pray... this is a moment i never thought would be one of those. but we knew all along God was in control. God created our lil' one and even blesed us with a real photo and filled this mother's heart with pride at the sight of that tiny flickering heart beat. Something i will NEVER forget. i felt i was a lucky one because i had something to hold afterwards... something to cherish and through plenty of tears, anger, and depression i feel as tho i am healing and growing ever so closer to the Almighty creator. And when i saw this post today, it put a smile on my face, a tear in my eye, and a peace in my heart. I know where our lil' one is and that we will someday be a complete family but until then i must pick myself back up, carry on, praising Him for all He gives and takes away, because he has far better plans for me then i could ever dream.

thank you for this post ... it means a lot, to a lot of people.

Feb 10, 2012 10:42 AM Guest Tabitha  says:
Thank you so much for this post.  My hubby and I have 3 angel babies.
Feb 10, 2012 3:15 PM Guest Shaune  says:
Thank you for posting this story. I grieve for all those parents who have suffered a loss in pregnancy. I lost my first three babies in the first trimester after years of infertility. That was almost 30 years ago, and even though my husband and I have a wonderful 28-year-old son, I have never forgotten my little angels. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Feb 12, 2012 8:05 PM Guest Erin  says:
We were excited about the news that we were expecting our third.  We shared the news with our boys, who are 4 and 6.  Our youngest, especially was excited about the prospect of being a big brother.  I was at work and had to go to the doctor for an emergency ultrasound.  The doctor told us that they couldn't find anything in my uterus and I would require surgery the next day.  After the surgery, the doctor told us that she found a tangerine sized cyst on my fallopian tube which she removed.  She also told us that the baby was in my uterus, but wasn't growing and she performed a DNC.  I am thankful that she found the cyst and saved my life, but I am saddened by the loss of this baby.  I know the baby is waiting in heaven for us, but I am comforted knowing many others have gone through this as well.  A friend of mine told me she mentioned me at church and asked her church to pray for our family.  Her minister said, "Just imagine how many children aren't seen by human eyes, but are immediately drawn into the presence of the Lord."  Amen!
Feb 12, 2012 9:04 PM Guest Heidi E  says in response to Keri:
I always found it was hard to find "the right words" when people I knew experience a miscarriage....until I had my own. 2, in fact in the past 16 months. One at 7 weeks and one at 11 weeks. Heartbreaking and confusing, but day by day I found strength. Some people were (and still are) afraid to talk to me about it or to mention babies to me. Yes it strikes a soft spot, but I'm still alive and going forward. Babies are a part of life. I'd rather face what happened and talk about it than have family and friends pretend it didn't happen because they don't know what to say. I found comfort in this thought I had after my second one, "If I sit here and cry day after day and don't get over it, and keep asking God 'why' and do not accept what happened, then it's like saying that God doesn't know what's best for me and He doesn't  have it all planned out. By trusting in God that he knows what he's doing and it all happened for a reason, I know i will have the strength to go on" I had to tell myself this over and over, but it helps. It's been 1 yr and 4 months since my first MC and it will be 1 yr in May for the second MC. It's still hard. I see friends have babies around the same time I was due and it's so bitter sweet. But I know I have 2 children here on earth, and 2 waiting in Heaven. I WILL meet them someday and I will embrace them, but for now I am just taking in that I am so blessed to have the 2 children I have. My husband and I are trying again. 2 weeks and I can take a test. Nervous and excited at the same time! I pray that you will find some of the same comfort that I found and that your pain will lessen every day. I pray your family will feel Jesus' arms around you all. We dont' know why things happen but we do know with faith that God is in control and He truly knows what he is doing. God bless you and your family!
Feb 12, 2012 9:07 PM Guest Heidi E  says in response to Ginger M:
This poem is beautiful. I have had 2 MC in the past 16 months. It's still hard and the pain is still there. I know God knows what he's doing and that I will see my babies someday and hold them, but sometimes something as simple as a poem, such as this one, helps. thank you for sharing
Feb 13, 2012 11:58 AM julianad julianad    says:
So many beautiful and heartbreaking stories! I have 12 beautiful children, all in the care of Jesus. My husband and I weren't Christians when we were married. I was so broken down over time with 12 losses in 10 years that I reached for Him for the very first time and He gave beauty for ashes. All were first trimester except for the last which was in 2006. I was 18 weeks and certain that this time I would carry to term. Unfortunately, I became critically ill and lost our daughter, Grace. We were able to give her a name and burial which was a huge blessing. We felt the peace of God that surpasses all understanding during a time  when we truly were walking in the  valley of the shadow of death. I love Twila Paris' song "Visitor From Heaven" because I know my babies are with Jesus and I will see them again soon. I did not have that outlook 20 years ago and it strikes me how wondrous it is that God can use great sorrow to open our eyes and our hearts to His endless love and mercy.
Feb 15, 2012 8:52 PM Guest Taelin  says in response to Donna:

Donna,

I also wanted to miscarry naturally and got no support from my drs office (the prescribed me a pill right away) and very little from my loved ones. My baby was formed but didn't have a heartbeat at the time of the ultrasound. It took 2 months to miscarry naturally (against my drs wishes). Finally at 5 months along, the miscarriage finally occurred. The one thing I didn't know about after all my vast miscarriage research, was how long I should bleed heavily. After 4 hours I passed out and almost needed a blood transfusion. LADIES, if you're still bleeding heavily after TWO HOURS, GO TO THE HOSPITAL! That simple fact wouldve saved me from tge months of severe recovery my body needed. h

Feb 17, 2012 9:00 AM Guest Jessica  says in response to Ginger M:
What a beautiful poem, Ginger. THanks so much for sharing that. I had a miscarriage two years ago, and although I have four children here with me, the pain of the miscarriage has been very real. I have copied your poem and I plan to reflect on it frequently. I wrote a letter to my little one who I'll never hold on this side of eternity, and that was very healing as well. So, I thank you again for sharing this beautiful poem. God bless.
Feb 29, 2012 5:05 AM Guest Tammy  says:

Thank you for the message.  I have three boys on earth and seven angels in heaven waiting for me.  I was so excited...all the angels had heart beats and were chosen by God first--even after they were seen by me on the ultrasound.  The first were twins.  They would be 19 now.  All my sons (17, 12 and 10) know of the angels waiting for us.  And, the 10 year old asked us to name the seven who were waiting.  He thought four would be girls and three boys.  We named them all last week.  Seems like my three sons even wanted to talk about our angels and give them earthly names.  It was a joy.  I am blessed.
Mar 15, 2012 4:13 PM Guest Janelle  says in response to Ginger M:
Beautiful. Thank you for your poem it brought tears to my eyes

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