Currently Being Moderated
64

Are Your Kids Overscheduled?

Posted by Jim_Daly on Jul 13, 2011 10:05:48 AM

How did you spend your summer days as a child?sandlotbaeball.jpg

 

For many years I lived a short distance from my elementary school. My friends and I would play baseball over on the school field, riding our bikes home for lunch and then meeting back up for another 4 or 5 hours of play.

 

No uniforms. No umpires. No adults. Just the kids – like a typical Charlie Brown episode, minus the “wah, wah, woh, wah” adult soundtrack from the sidelines.

 

When I lived with my dad, his apartment complex had a swimming pool. I would spend hours at a clip in there, often alone, diving for coins and rocks on the bottom. In fact, I spent so much time in that cement tank that I rubbed off multiple layers of skin from my feet. The bloody toes and heels couldn’t stop me from going back for more.

 

Times have changed, of course, and few parents feel comfortable letting their kids ride for hours on end around the neighborhood, or swim by themselves in an apartment or community pool.summer3.jpg

 

But I wonder if in the interest of many factors including safety, keeping up with Joneses, acquiescing to kids’ desires, expectations of year-round training for young athletes and even a lack of imagination we’ve wound up overscheduling our children, signing them up for a litany of camps, classes and other formal activities.  These are probably all good things – but what if doing “nothing” was best of all?

 

As I’ve mentioned before, there is tremendous value for children in unstructured play. It forces youngsters to use their imagination and learn to daydream and improvise. Given the opportunity, many will create games, invest in their current hobbies and even develop new ones. If you’ve ever doubted the potential of a child to make something out of practically nothing, try giving them an empty refrigerator box, a roll of tape and a Magic Marker. Or bring them to the shore and give them a shovel and a pail.

 

It’s important for parents tosummer4.jpg remember that they’re not the recreational director on a cruise ship. A parent is expected to lead and guide their children in every area of life, including play – or no play at all. In an age of helicopter parenting and moms and dads who often invest significant time and resources in their child’s formal education, it’s easy to forget that helping teach our children how to play and rest is also very important.

 

By helping our children see the value in unstructured or unscheduled time, we’re preparing them for a healthy and balanced adult life. That’s because despite what many people seem to believe, busyness does not necessarily equate to success – and it most certainly doesn’t lead to happiness as a family if we spend half of our time in a car shuttling our children from one outing to the next.

 

Are you overscheduled as a family? Have you been in the past? How did/are you handling it?

 

Follow me on Twitter @Dalyfocus

Follow me on Facebook

19,063 Views Twitter Facebook


Add a comment Leave a comment on this blog post.
Jul 13, 2011 5:00 PM Guest Eve  says:
You are absolutely right Jim!  This is something I've believed for years.  Kids need to learn how to make their own fun and explore.  Planted in front of the TV or running back and forth to events does not give them creative expression and time to learn about themselves.  Oh, how I long for the days of old!
Jul 13, 2011 5:38 PM Guest Lucy V.  says:
This was a very interesting article as I was having doubts about the fact that I told my children ages 11 and 8 that I would like for them to take a break from  sports this summer and just enjoy being at home, partially because I myself was feeling worn out.  They are always doing two sports one in school and one outside of school, boyscouts as well as help with youth ministry in our church.  Interstingly enough they have read more books in one month than they had read in the entire year.  They made some new art masterpieces to decorate the walls of our new home and even had more time to play with Dad at the park.
Jul 13, 2011 5:49 PM Guest Catherine  says:

I agree totally!  We are a homeschooling family and though my kids aren't involved in any (well maybe one or two) outside activities their unstructured time is taken up by electronics.  Way too many electronics around here   I have to remember to turn them off and let them be bored.

I have noticed that the younger the child is the easier it is for them to use their imagination, so if we can make sure to start early then as they get older they will be in practice using their imaginations.

Jul 13, 2011 5:50 PM Guest Josh S.  says:

The idea presented was thoughtful and important. I used to play a lot when I was younger, especially with legos, and I still do sometimes (I am 18 years old now). However, idle time can be the devil's playground. I am involved in a lot of high school activities, such as track, cross country, student government, and honors classes. I even volunteer to teach Sunday School and I have a job as a lifeguard. Shuttling from place to place isn't so bad if I really love what I am doing! All of the activities that I participate in teach me certain values and I love doing them. I ALWAYS have some free time in my very busy schedule, and I think I live a pretty balanced life in that way. Thanks Mr. Daly!

Jul 13, 2011 6:04 PM Guest John B.  says:
Anthony Esolan's TEN WAYS TO DESTROY THE IMAGINATION OF YOUR CHILD  is a good book on just this topic.
Jul 13, 2011 5:48 PM Guest AEM  says:
Teens are a little tricker..they tend to have to much time on there hands and get into things they should not!
Jul 13, 2011 5:48 PM Guest Missy  says:
I completely agree.  My struggle is not with the little ones that will make something out of nothing, but with the older children.  They are very limited with the screen time they get in our house.  However, the neighborhood kids get unlimited time infront of the TV, Wii, and DS.  We have set the rule that they cannot go inside their houses.  But when they go anywhere but our home, they are sitting outside on the DS.  It seems that if other parents felt this way, there would be a lot more unstructured creativity happening.  Unfortunately, there are not like minded families in our neighborhood.  The struggle is daily.  We homeschool.  I can't wait for the neighborhood kids to go back to school, to lesson the temptations my boys face as well as me.  It is a downer to constantly be saying no all the time, especially when the parents just want the kids out of their hair, so they allow almost anything!
Jul 13, 2011 5:57 PM Guest CB  says:

I completely agree as well...but as a young mom of a 2 y.o. in today's world...how can I do this?  When I am cleaning the house or whatever, she either asks repeatedly for me to play with her (which I also do a lot of...just me and her playing on the floor), or she asks to watch TV, and if I tell her that she needs to play alone while mommy works for a bit, she throws a fit.  I don't want her to be vegetated in front of a tv all day, but I have noticed that when it is on...she actually plays by herself, while half-watching Veggie Tales or whatever I had put on for her.  Any advice?  I really want her to learn how to handle boredom and enjoy playing by herself and encourage her using her imagination.  (A big reason why I like classic toys and not the lights sounds and electronic everything of today..she has a bit of both).

I'd appreciate any advice, suggestions, or ideas!  Thank you!  Such a valuable resource here!

Jul 13, 2011 6:14 PM Guest Bobbi  says:

I understand your point and my mother says the same.  I did everything I could to keep our summer free from commitments.  (This may be my last summer to be a "stay at home mom".)

 

Oh, the good 'ol days when I would also, ride my bike to the public pool or ride my horse into town and let my friends ride on her at our playground.  I was gone all day long with my friends; checking in periodically with my mom from one friends house or the other; then coming home when the street lights came on. .... That was 25 years ago.  Life is not the same.

 

School districts are large and friends are spread across many miles with much busier road systems between.  (And, that is living is a small town!)  As for summer fun.  If there is to be any social/play dates, we mom's must plan to meet or drive our children to each others homes or meeting places.

 

In our area, there are no public pools or tennis courts.  The pools and tennis courts are in planned communities or at country clubs.  Both of which you must live in or be a member of. So, if the children are interested in seasonal fun such as swimming or a swim team, golf, or tennis, you sign up for a 'camp' or a 'team'.  Organized activities are not necessarily intended to keep the children 'scheduled and busy', but are the replacement to the days of gathering at the school grounds or other "hang-out" places.  And of course, the school yards are too far to ride bikes to.  So, what is the solution for giving the children some 'social time' with their friends or exploring new interests?  Organized activities.

Jul 13, 2011 6:35 PM Guest Momof3boys  says in response to CB:
CB - I remember those days well, a good thought that might work is either give her a "chore" to do with you, whether it being picking up or helping vacuuming.  Also, how about if you had "special toys" she only got to play with when you needed that time to get something done.  Enjoy these times with your toddler, they grow up way too fast....
Jul 13, 2011 6:55 PM Guest Joy  says:
You are absolutely correct on this one! Kids need to learn to play on their own using their imaginations. I believe that part of the reason we have so many kids with A.D.D. is they are over stimulated with always being on the go to various events or always watching something happening on TV as well as just constant background noise of the radio or TV and then we wonder why they can't pay attention or sit still in the classroom. Maybe because in their mind there isn't enough stimulation as compared to the car or TV. As a family, we do not turn the TV on until our "list of to do" is done for that day. We also do not use the DS or portable DVD player unless we are going on a car trip that is going to be more than an hour away or our power goes out - this keeps the excitement fresh for these things. We also try to put our focus on doing things for others like making a meal or dessert for someone that is home bound, volunteering at Rescue Mission, going on mission trips, making a craft, etc. Sometimes the best family time we have is when we have nothing to do - it's amazing what we can find to do: ride bikes, play a game, go for a hike, walk the dog, etc. This is something we have to work just like anything else in life that is important for your family to stay together.
Jul 13, 2011 7:07 PM Guest Kathy  says in response to CB:

Try to make room for her to help with whatever you are doing.  It will take longer, and it won't be done as well, but she will learn so much and it makes for great conversations and teachable moments.  Or try to set up a fun activity close to where you are, like playdough, or a big bowl of water with bubbles, etc.  I think there is a danger in the half-watching TV/playing.  They need to be able to exist without the TV playing in the background.  I sympathize with what a temptation it is when you are trying to get things done, though.

Jul 13, 2011 7:21 PM Guest Sarah L.  says in response to CB:
I have struggled with the same thing in years past.  (My oldest is now 7.)  For me, balance is essential, and this includes independent play time.  My kids are all very social, so I make sure that they regularly have time where they play on their own.  (For the older ones, this is often during rest time while the youngest, 2, is napping.)  My kids, especially the youngest, don't always play on their own when I want them to, or for the duration that I would like, but I think that what is important is for them to be able to occupy themselves.  At times, this has meant pushing them to play alone without technology (starting with a 5 minute segment and slowly working up for little ones), even if that means the child sits there and fusses.  I start them off with some ideas, i.e., starting the 2 year old with an age-appropriate puzzle or playing with the trains and then tell the child I'm going to brush my teeth, return to play a little bit, leave for another task that's slightly longer, return, etc.  Soon enough, they don't pay much attention to my coming and going, as long as I don't do it alot.  Just a thought...
Jul 13, 2011 7:08 PM Guest NES  says in response to CB:

I completely agree as well...but as a young mom of a 2 y.o. in today's world...how can I do this?

 

Hi CB,

My kids are 2, 4 and 6, so I know where you are coming from. I cannot play on the floor with my kids 12 hours a day. But my kids do get bored with their toys, no matter how nice they are and I don't always want the t.v. serving as a babysitter either! Here are some tips that have helped entertain my kids:

  1. If you haven't done so already, get your child into books. If she is bored with her own collection, check out age appropriate picture books weekly from the library. Set up a cozy corner or pile of pillows to serve as a reading nook. My kids have been know to quietly look at books for an hour or more!
  2. Invest in great kids music and story CDs. Sometimes a CD of Bible songs or stories in the background while they play gets my kids out of a boredom funk.
  3. Get rid of some toys and put others in storage to rotate in and out of use. I have noticed the less toys my kids have, the more they seem to enjoy them.
  4. When you are doing chores around the house, let her help! She'll think  it's fun rather than work!! My kids love throwing wet clothes into the  dryer, putting away dry utensils and sippy cups from the dishwasher into  low level drawers, using a little dustpan set, cleaning the floor or window with a damp rag. And you'll be training her for the years to come!
  5. Let your child get messy! Water play, washable art mediums, play dough (when she is old enough to not eat it ) keep kids busy for a good long while. There will be clean up involved but the length of time they spend having fun and giving you a bit of space is well worth it.
  6. Think outside the box when giving your child new objects to play with: my kids love playing with (empty, cleaned, non-sharp) recyclables from our kitchen bin; you can also make a fort or obstacle course out of couch cushions.
  7. If you have work you can do on your lap or just want to relax, follow her to her room or her swingset and do your work- or put your feet up- there. I often need to just get my kids out of the main part of the house to alleviate the stress.
  8. If your daughter does not nap anymore, try enforcing a quiet time each  day when she engages in a quiet activity such as looking at books while  you perhaps take time for devotions or prayer.
  9. If no work is looming at home, take trips to the playground, make playdates, visit the kids room at the library- go to places where the setting does the entertaining for you.
  10. I agree with your interest in classic toys! My kids make the most creative play out of the simplest toys, such as building with wooden blocks, drawing with sidewalk chalk or playing mommy with a doll.

Hope you are able to come up with some new ideas for you busy little daughter! God bless

Jul 13, 2011 7:11 PM Guest Lisa Mc  says:

One of the wisest things that my husband ever did was to limit our children to one activity outside of church and school.  At the time I agreed to this somewhat hesitantly.   Not onIly did this stop the drain on our pocket books but it stopped the drain on our time and energy.  As a mom that worked outside the home, we all needed that down time together.  I have three children who all in their twenties now, and they still spend regular amounts of time with our family by their own choice.

Jul 13, 2011 7:29 PM Guest deeker  says:
The mom role that surprized me most is "guardian of their childhood."  We allowed just one activity per child--a sport, music, dance, etc.  We also allowed tightly limited electronic time, often in proportion to reading and music practice.  We always welcomed friends, and made creative and costuming supplies available.  Kids need time just to be kids.
Jul 13, 2011 7:50 PM Guest Jackson's Mom  says:
I think this is just as important for adults.  Saying yes to every request for time and attention outside the home and on the job cuts too far into family time.  Just last week, we took our "staycation" and did nothing.  It was the best week we've had in a long time.  We rested, played board games, went to the pool, saw some movies and did it all as a family.  And, as we all know, children learn what they live so if we prioritize peace and leisure as adults, the kids will find it to be their center as well.
Jul 13, 2011 8:04 PM Guest Kelly  says in response to Bobbi:

I subscribe to the idea of not overscheduling wholeheartedly.  While I haven't weakened and bought a gaming system, I do find that I tend to "entertain" my child far too much.  When I compare the outings and activities I provide for my son compared to what I did as a child, I find myself saying, when is enough enough?  Now that I am six weeks into the summer and am out of ideas, I especially feel that way.  One of my perceived struggles is that I have an only child, and a very social and active one.  I know playdates are important, but honestly, those take a lot out of me too.  Then I feel I need to entertain even more.  You can imagine how popular my house is without any electronics except my computer. . . .  I definitely feel there is a battle being waged to protect our kids' imaginations!  I would love to see any suggestions.

 

I would also be interested to hear people's thoughts about books on cd.  My six-year-old has a cd player in his room, and he listens to books on cd frequently.  While I wish he would listen an hour a day in his room on summer afternoons, he typically listens at bedtime.  His lights out time is a little later, but I allow that because I figure listening is using the same brain activity that reading would be.  However, it is still an outside source of stimulation.  Thoughts?

Jul 13, 2011 8:35 PM Guest Rhonda F.  says in response to CB:
I have found that it gets a little easier as your kids get older.  My three year old didn't let me out of her sight until recently, but now she can play alone or (for a short time before a fight breaks out:-) with her little sister. 
Jul 13, 2011 8:36 PM Guest JP  says in response to CB:

Hi CB,

I am the mother of five children ages 9 months- 11 and I remember those days when my oldest was my only child and she would want me to constantly play with her. But, I really pushed her to learn to play by herself when I had to get things done around the house (even if she threw a fit.) I turned off the TV, put on kids music for her and let her find out a way to entertain herself. And she did. Fast forward to the present, she is 11 years old and just got done playing the lead role in a musical at our local children's theater. She is very creative and still very imaginative. I always try to ask myself...what could my kids be doing instead of watching TV or playing on the computer. Given the chance, kids will entertain themselves with pretend play and make-believe. Just give your daughter a chance to use her imagination. She needs a little time to realize that on her own. But my best suggestion would be to have music on for her. Oh and lots of blank paper and colored pencils.

Jul 13, 2011 8:53 PM Guest Linda  says:

We spent the month of April this spring in full-blown OVERLOAD!  What we thought was a light load for our two youngest had more commitment and time requirements than anticipated and we found out too late.  Once we realized the extent of the schedule conflicts we had inadvertently made, our solution was to discuss the problem with the kids and ask them to work with us to meet our commitments - and theirs to their teammates, as well as other obligations.  We cut out what we could, but some things were a matter of commitment and had to be completed.

 

At the same time, we set a goal: the first free day after school is out is Pajama Day.  We had a goal of a relaxing day at the end of it all.  We enjoyed planning meals - all breakfast items for the day - everyone in PJs all day and watching movies and/or playing games together.  Naps were optional, but approved.  We had so much fun I am considering having another family PJ day before we start back to school in the fall.  It was a great way to relax and enjoy the day with no stress and no guilt!

Jul 13, 2011 9:20 PM Guest jfrs  says in response to CB:
My kids are 9.5, 7.5, 4, and 20 months. My first advice would be, keep having babies! Playmates raised with the same values are priceless. Have as many as God would give you. You won't regret it. Secondly, try turning on a radio while your little one plays, and have her in the same room with you while you're working. Build up the time of independant play, and reward her when she meets the goal. At her age, just 10 minutes is quite an accomplishment. Even if she's following you around, but not getting your full attention all the time, that's ok. She needs to know that mommy has other things to do once in awhile, and life doesn't revolve around her. And don't forget, it gets easier! Enjoy your daughter and each new stage. It goes so fast.
Jul 13, 2011 9:30 PM Guest RS  says in response to CB:
CB, I have a a daughter who is 12 and little boy who is 2 and here is what I have done:  Sometimes our family hits the road for business travel and my children watch too many movies.  When we come off the road, I have to wean my 2 year old.  My daughter knows our family rule of limited tv/videos/computer but my son does not.  During the weaning period--two or three days at the most--he pesters the daylights out of me to watch something.  I really have to batten down the hatches and weather this little tempest, but it does not last forever.  "Mama, please I can watch somesing?  I watch somesing, Mama? Please I watch somesing?"  It is a steady nag if I let him.  So I don't let him.  I try to distract him with other activities he enjoys.  And so that I don't have to have the deer-in-the-headlights-quick-think-of-something-for-him-to-do, I keep a list of things that he can do on the fridge.  I find that he stops asking very quickly.  The list of things are not every day play with his trucks activities.  Ex. Play dough, playing with beans, writing in rice, playing with my salad spinner (he puts his toys in it and spins away).  I also find that letting him help me where he can is a big plus.  Another trick I use is to keep a laminated shelf under my bed.  If I am doing something in my bedroom, I pull it out and voila! a slide for him.  He climbs up it and slides down endlessly.  If I am cleaning the bathroom, I often put him in the tub to play with bubbles.  I also keep a can of cheapo shaving cream in my bathroom and let him play with it in the tub.  Something I have also learned is helpful for my son is for me to keep announcing the looming end of whatever it is we are doing so that he can mentally transition.  It sounds like this . . ."Ok, Mama will only play Boo! four times, and then Mama has to wash the dishes.  Ok, three more times and then Mama has to wash the dishes.  Ok two more times . . . etc." Or, of course, the timer so that "when the timer goes off, it is time for you to play with your dolls and Mama must peel the carrots."The big thing is that when you try to break the habit, you will pay a harder cost on the front end . . . in the first day or two and then it gets MUCH easier so just keep coaching yourself to hang tough.   Hope that helps, blessings on you. Remember protect her nourish her little mind now so she can flower later.  ( :
Jul 13, 2011 9:56 PM Guest Annette  says:

The childhood my granddaughters are having is so different from mine or their father's.  Even as a girl, I remember digging holes and putting a board over the top to be a "house" or for the guys to play "army". My sons recently told me that the empty field a couple of blocks away where they jumped their bikes at 9 or 10 years old had some homelsss guy that lived in the field.  He never bothered them and they didn't get into his things.

 

For the mother who needs to get something done:  My son was just-turned two when I needed to do some sewing for an unexpected trip.

We made a deal.  I sewed for 20 minutes and stopped mid-seam when the timer went off, then we played for 10 minutes.  I kept my promise and he could handle 20 minutes at a time outside the sewing room door with toys on the floor.  Including his nap, the pants I needed were done by the end of the day.

 

Same only-child at age 4 or so had another agreement with me.  He would lay on his bed until the timer went off after 20 minutes, looking at books.  If he fell asleep, he didn't hear the bell.  If he heard it, he could get up.  I got 20 minutes to myself each afternoon that I was at home.  Sometimes, I got an hour, if he napped.

 

Each of these involved my keeping my word to my child.

Jul 14, 2011 6:46 AM Guest Debbie S.  says:

Jim,

Thank you, thank you!!  I write a daily blog for over busy moms.  Daily I encourage exactly what you are talking about.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone is listening.  It helps to have confirmation that what I am sharing is the truth and is valid.  I am a homeschooling mom of 5 kids and I was the reigning queen of busy.  But I have relinquished my crown and I am finding true life, spending time with my children instead of doing things for my children.  This message is necessary in today's society.  Thanks for addressing this issue.

Jul 13, 2011 10:25 PM Guest Phil  says:
How true.  My girls are victims of parents overscheduling them.  Now their parents are victims of divorce.  My vow is to cut back, simplify, and invest my time in their lives.  Less time for stuff, more time for God in our lives.
Jul 14, 2011 6:54 AM Guest Misti P.  says:
I agree that we are all overscheduled.  My kids want to stay home. They hardly ever even ask for friends to come over.   They are thrilled to have a month off but I have to limit computer or tv or they will turn into screen walkers.  I have encouraged them to read 2 books a day.  I am a school teacher and mom of four so in all honesty I greatly enjoy the break from homework more than them.  We set up a volleyball net outside and played beach volleyball as a family a couple of nights.  Our kids loved it and of course we use this extra no homework time for more family meals and devotions.  Besides giving them time to grow their imaginations, summer is the perfect time for long talks and walks and spiritual upbringing.  We're looking forward to vacaton to refresh ourselves and just be together.  Another thing we learned from older parents is mandatory Sunday afternoon nap time.  Even if they don't sleep, it gives them time in their bed with a book or paper and pencil to draw or think.  Usually they go to sleep.   It's nice for mom and dad, too.
Jul 13, 2011 10:41 PM Guest connie  says:

I agree with you Jim.

Take time to show and enjoy the simple things at home, i.e. helping in vegetable garden, washing the car, digging in the dirt, catching fireflys, filling the birdbath, sweeping the sidewalk, working with dad in the garage.  The list is endless - simple pleasures.  I allowed my two children one activity per sememster when in school.  They were happy and so was the parental taxi service that wasn't running continuously.

Jul 13, 2011 10:49 PM Guest Charlotte  says:
We home school and live remotely in the Sierra Nevada so any planned activities require a drive of at least 20 minutes one way.  We know this is part of the deal during the school year, but come the summer all bets are off and we so love not having to get in the car.  Trips to the pool are about the farthest we go.  My boys (2 of them) have learned to play with each other and alone, and as the older one reaches his middle teens the younger one has had to rely on the self play skills he developed by being home schooled with no other kids around.  I love the summer and the freedom it gives.  My kids love it too.  Not having a plan can be so refreshing!
Jul 13, 2011 11:19 PM Guest Julie  says:
We, as parents, can observe our children closely to guage how much they can handle.  This helps somewhat.  A rule of thumb by parenting experts is no more than 2 activities per child outside of school.  But, I believe only God knows how much our children can handle.  Each child is uniquely created by God, so the load each child can handle will differ.
Jul 13, 2011 11:23 PM Guest Julie  says:

It's also important for parents to model what values are most important.  Creating a list can visually help the child as well as the parent weed out stuff we don't need.  Our list looks like this...

 

1) God

2) Parents

3) Kids

4) Friends

5) School

6) Exercise (dance, gymnastics, or soccer)

7) Music (piano or violin)

Jul 14, 2011 12:09 AM Guest becky  says in response to CB:
Just wanted to add that I think a limited amount of TV time is okay.   Certainly you don't want your children parked in front of the TV all day, but a short video or educational show that lets you get a few chores done is okay.  I've been home with my kids for 12 years now, and I've tried to balance TV, play (with and without mom), and housework.  I can remember my first child needing me to play more because she didn't have the benefit of having any siblings around yet.  A few suggestions...if you don't want to abandon her to the TV, try to do those chores like folding clothes or dusting in the same room as the TV. That way, you can interact with her (sing along, or talk about the theme of the show)  and still get a few things done.  I also try to make the most of nap time and set aside those things that need my undivided attention for the times my kids are napping.  LIttle ones don't have a long attention span for playing any one thing for very long, so changing activities can help with boredom.  Also, spending time outside letting the kids explore or play at the park is always refreshing...then sun and fresh air always lifts my spirits
Jul 14, 2011 12:11 AM Guest Lorin  says:
Thank you Jim!   This is an important issue we should not take lightly.  Pray to God about it b/c he will show us how to enjoy our lives living for him as we enjoy our children enjoying their lives more.
Jul 14, 2011 7:02 AM Guest Sheri  says:

This is exactly what my husband and I have talked about for years!!  We homeschool our kids and are viewed as weird since we don't have every minute of our days scheduled with activities.  Other parents ask me why I don't have my children in ENRICHMENT activities.  I just view all the so-called enrichment activities as expensive babysitting services. I think some people are afraid to spend time with their kids and I am afraid some may have gotten a bit selfish with their adult time.  We only have our kid for a few short years, so I think we should spend as much time with them as possible.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to point out errors in the way some people are spending their time.

Jul 14, 2011 7:04 AM Guest H.L. B.  says:

Jim, As a new dad this is so helpful...both your thoughts and this forum. You have been a big help to our family in recent months, both on the air and in this forum. I admire your talent to craft a message in a format I get.

 

Our kids say they want to do all kinds of things, but seem happiest when you're just together as a family, at a park or hiking. Advertisers try and tell you that you need to spend money in order to be happy. No way.  God bless you and Focus on the Family.

Jul 14, 2011 6:47 AM Guest Jody  says:

We have a 16 and an 18 year old who are very bright.  We also live out in the country where doing anything extracurricular requires driving 11 miles to the school, and 11 miles back.  Our children are college bound and we have decided that in order to get the scholarships that they need to attend college, they need not only good grades but also an impressive resume of extra-curricular activities.  Our kids are way too happy to do all the extra stuff and they manage to maintain straight "A"s on their report cards while being in marching band, choir, musicals, science olympiad, etc...  Our 18 year-old just graduated and was one of the valedictorians for her class.

 

All this striving to go to college has been fun for the kids, kept them out of trouble, and added tons of gray hair to my head.  My husband and I decided before we got married that I would be a stay at home mom and that is the only reason our kids have been able to do all that they have done without sending me to the grave early.  I am a taxi mom almost every day of the week during some months of the year.  It drives me almost crazy.  I hate it.  I am not made like my kids are and when I was a teen in high school I never wanted to run, run, run like they do.  I lived for several Girl Scout outings per year (the meetings were only once/month), and I tried the Badminton team once and hated being away from home several afternoons a week so I dropped out.

 

I absolutely dread this coming school year as we have not even had a nice, relaxing summer yet.  This summer (and the last, and the one before that....) has been non-stop preparing for one kid's activity or another and the activities and the worst of it will continue from next week right into the new school year (Marching band practice and camp starts this early and both girls are in the All State Fair Band and will be at the State Fair for two weeks doing that, soon.).  I think this is absolutely an insane way to live but if we want our kids to go to college, this is what we have to do.  Our grad was only offered one full tuition enrollment out of 6 colleges we applied to and she had super high ACTs and SAT scores.  The kids have to be almost super-human to get full tuition based on merit.  We feel like if we don't keep up with the system they won't get much in the way of scholarships.

 

I think the days of lazy summers are gone for parts of our population.  How sad.  Mom used to take my brother and me to the beach several times a week when we were in elementary school.  In later years she had to work but she would take us when she had time off work, and by high school, I had a job and couldn't get away as much.  When my brother and I were still of the age to play with toys, we spent a lot of our time playing in the dirt in the backyard with Matchbox cars and Tonka trucks.  We rode our bikes around the block in a big group of kids.  'Round and 'round we went, for an hour or more at a time.  All of these memories have the most pleasant of emotions attached to them. 

 

This is what I struggled to maintain for my children when they were little - unstructured play time.  Fortunately, it wasn't too hard when they were in elementary school.  It is when they got into middle school that the activities started, like 4-H camp in the summer and writing competitions and clubs during the school months.

 

If I were to offer any advice to parents of little ones (up to say, the 5th grade), I'd say let them play and be little.  They are only this young for a short time...  Don't force them into pee wee activities of any kind unless they are so passionate about something they can't live without it.  If you can be a stay-at-home mom, do it!  It is so good for your kids.  I loved it when my mom stayed home with my brother and me and I think my kids are as secure and well adjusted as they are because I stayed home with them.   Your child won't be ruined if you can't be at home with him or her but it is such a blessing to a child if it is possible for "Mom" to stay home with them.  It is a blessing to "Mom" too, though at the time (especially when little ones are toddlers...) it is so hard to appreciate it!  Little ones are a lot of work.  It is so tiring.  When the high school years come, you wonder if you've lost your mind because you find yourself wishing you could go back to the simpler days!

Jul 14, 2011 6:54 AM Guest Julie  says in response to CB:
When my children were young we had a "rest time" each day from 1-3.  I had a gate on their door.  So when they woke up from their nap they still stayed in their room and played.  And their rooms were completely kid proof. They may have cried at times to get out but they never did.  They learned that during that time they were to play in their room.  And they found things to do.  And I had 2 hours of quiet time myself to take a nap, catch up on things, etc.  We kept this up until they were into their early elementary ages, maybe until 3rd grade (without the gate   ).  We are a homeschool family so it was easy to maintain this structure.
Jul 14, 2011 6:54 AM Guest Jody  says:
I'd like to add to my previous comments that television was not used as a "babysitter" for my kids and electronics were not allowed until the youngest was in middle school and wanted a Nintendo DS for her birthday.  I regret that purchase and had my reservations about it then...  She now has an iPOD Touch and plays with that more than she reads.  But her background is strong and it isn't affecting her grades, just her motivation to do anything else.  I need to enforce some rules about iPOD use this school year and that will be easier with the older daughter out of the house.
Jul 14, 2011 6:59 AM Guest Suz  says in response to AEM:

This also applies to my autistic grandson. I discovered 3 summers ago (when he was 9) that his best opportunities for extended O.T. was to enroll him in a variety of camps offered in the area. He looked forward to the "structure" which he so needs. As members of the Family Y we've signed him up for a variety of specialized camps. Our local university's Continuing Education Dept. hold a Summer Kid University which allows the students to actually choose "tracts" of focus/subjects (just like signing up for college classes). Our Friends of the Symphony also provide a camp where each of the orchestral families are highlighted on different weeks. It was at one of these we discovered our grandson has a great brass "buzz". From there we've procured him an instrument, started private lessons and he's enjoyed his first year of public school bands this past year. He accelerated so well that after 5 months of lessons he was able to perform a short Christmas carol for our church. This summer as he's too old for some of these camps I've mentioned he's presently with our Art Factory's 3-week Theater program...he's loving it and they're loving him for his unique creative outlet.  As for non-paying weeks in the summer our area school system provides 2 weeks of a half-day special needs camp (transportation provided) and the area churches provide some wonderful VBS moments both in the morning and at night. Through these various church programs we've delightfully gotten to expand our family's Christian friends to include a variety of denominations and even procured him a new piano teacher! To sum it up...I like to choose and regulate my grandson's "busyness" due to his need for structure and to minimize his free time at the house where, unfortunately, his "busy fingers" sometimes get him into trouble. As for Teens (and what they might choose to do in the summer)...I love to have them work with my grandson in all the areas I've mentioned. After working with him and other special needs children several decide to pursue an education to focus on special needs. Others have become wonderful "baby"/special needs sitters for us. This is a win-win situation for all and is certainly a reciprocal ministry for all involved.

Jul 14, 2011 7:48 AM Guest SD  says in response to CB:
CB, I have used a timer system with my kids.  I set the timer for 15 minutes and tell them when it goes off, I will play with them for 10 minutes.  When the 10 minutes are up, I set it for another 15 to time my next work "shift."  This has worked well for us, because they can anticipate playing with me instead of just vaguely saying, "When I'm done with ____ I'll come play."  Also, they spend those 15 minutes preparing whatever game it is we'll be playing and anticipating the fun when the timer goes off and I join them.  It has also made me spend MUCH more time with my kids b/c I've given my word and have to keep it, despite whether the latest chore got finished or not.  Hope this helps you out!
Jul 14, 2011 8:06 AM Guest Laura K.  says in response to CB:
regarding the 2 y.o. not playing by herself.  My son was 6 years old before he spent more than 20 minutes playing on his own.  that was after spending two years in preschool and kindergarten with teachers helping him learn to play on his own.  In my case, he has since been diagnosed with ADD.  I think what I was seeing back when he was little was an inability to concentrate enough to keep himself involved in an activity.  Even if he had been interested, me being around was enough of a distraction that I became his "show" no matter what I did.  I learned to use a timer starting with 2 minutes at a time. I would set the timer and tell him he would need to play on his own for 2 minutes until the timer went off.  he would hear the bell and then we would do something - not necessarily play - he could help me put laundry in the dryer, etc.  Gradually increasing the time - again it took years.  He takes medication now and is a great, independent kid.  But, I always know the medication is wearing off when he starts to look to me or his sister for entertainment.  I know that means he can't play on his own anymore.  For whatever it's worth, that's just my experience.  I wish I had understood better back when he was 1-5 y.o.  I kept thinking I was doing something wrong!
Jul 14, 2011 8:09 AM Guest Rachel C.  says in response to NES:
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these ideas with us, Nes!  Great ideas!  God bless you!
Jul 14, 2011 8:16 AM Guest Renata  says in response to John B.:
Thank you for citing this book.  I'm going to check it out; this topic interests me immensely.
Jul 14, 2011 9:19 AM Guest FZ  says:
I completely agree that kids need to learn how to play.  Too much structure takes away the imagination.  Another beef I have is with any electronic toys - be it a computer, handheld game, noisy baby toy that flashes lights and plays songs.  What is happening there is that the kids are being entertained, not playing.  I feel sad for them.
Jul 14, 2011 9:20 AM Guest Kim  says:

Jim, I could not agree more with you.  We are fortunate enough to own a farm with 640 acres, so my two children 10 & 7, get to ride bikes, horses, run, whatever all summer long.  My kids actually look forward to school being over so they can enjoy some "down" time. They always make a candy or pop stand or a rock stand and thier imagination is so free and beautiful to watch. This year we actually did not let my son play baseball for the fact that his grades were down and he was burned out.  There was about a week of complaining but after that he actually seemed relived that he had some free time and didn't have to run from school to practice.  I personally think other kids put pressure on children that if they are not involved in everything their life is not full.  Of course the flip side is that kids who are not involved in anything can find activities in the wrong places.  Thank you for the article and I pray this helps every parent to let kids be kids in a world that wants them to grow up too fast.

Jul 14, 2011 9:36 AM Guest Laura  says:
I am 47, I remember those days of freedom as a child. I agree with Bobbi you must schedule things to substitute the freedom we had available years ago.  My sons 13 and 23, allow me to see how much things have changed. School is more demanding, entrance into college more demanding, everything more demanding on the kids, Advanced classes in middle school are included in our high school gpa now.   Being lax with a C in middle school, starts you off with a C in high school. Society now has taken much freedom away the kids. I have learned that so few parents are aware of the mischief that their 13 can get into on his personal laptop without blocks and even on his iphone with internet. I do not want my 13 year old going to their homes to play hours of 'Call of Duty' and such. It is tough to find that free play/hang out time. I had my son and his friend ride bikes to pick up milk one evening at corner store, 1.5 mi ride through subdivision. Gave them some extra$ for coke and candy. They thought that was the most fun to get away from the house.
Jul 14, 2011 10:30 AM Guest sylvia  says in response to Laura:
I have 6 kids, five of which are still at home.  I feel like the summer is the best time to learn new activities, try a different camp, or learn a new skill.  I am all for cramming every activity you can into the summer.  Its the school year that I have a problem with.  Can the weekends JUST be for downtime?
Jul 14, 2011 10:54 AM Guest Andrew  says:
I think it is merely a simple factor of balance when properly balanced activities and unstructured time are great for kids but it has to be balanced and swaying to far to either end will cause problems. Also what must be considered is the age of the child around the teen years you need some structured events a little bit more than unstructured where as younger ones need more unstructured time. We are capable of doing many things we just have to learn not to let these things get in the way of what is most important, Christ.
Jul 14, 2011 11:21 AM Guest Michelle  says:
My first thought when I read this was, "Hello!  What about kids overscheduling their parents".  Then it occured to me... I'm the parent. I AM THE PARENT. Hmmm... Interesting. That means I can say, "NO".  :-) Watch out kids. We're taking a break! :-)
Jul 14, 2011 11:29 AM Guest Phil M  says in response to Eve:
"Oh, how I long for the days of old!"  This is a common phrase which parents have been delivering for many years.  I remember my parents saying something similar about the "good old days."  But these ideas have merit and are very useful for young parents to consider when raising children in our time.  There are many things with how to raise children that have gone bad.
Jul 14, 2011 11:48 AM Guest Lora W.  says:

I think there is such a thing as age-appropriate free time.  Perhaps a young child is given more free time to let their imaginations run, but an older child perhaps has less.  Josh S, an 18-year old, commented that "idle time can be the devil's playground."  He is right in this, especially as children move closer to adulthood.  As children age, I think their free time should begin to be reduced in favor of learning more adult-like responsibilities.  Whether this takes the form of additional and more mature chores around the home, or in actually getting a job outside the home, this increased responsibility can really increase the maturity of the child.  Increased responsibility can be overwhelming, however, if a student is enrolled in too many extracurricular activities such as several sports and music lessons outside of their normal schooling. A way to balance this is to have the child choose which activity they like the best and give up another.  This, too, is a lesson in maturity because, as we all must learn, we can't have and do everything we might like. I think it's better for a child to learn these sorts of lessons while they have the support of the family structure at home, rather than run into the brick wall of this truth once they're out of the house. I saw many students crash and burn in their college years because the pressure of schooling, play, and trying to pay for it all was more than they had been prepared for.

 

My parents did something that was very helpful for me.  They were willing to pay for my piano lessons, but if I wanted to continue in dance I had to find the means to pay for it myself.  I began paying for some of my own dance lessons as early as middle school (by working in the family business to earn money, which eventually led to outside employment when I was old enough). The same was true if I wanted a car, I needed to find the means to cover my own fuel and usage of the vehicle, while they would pay for my insurance.  I could fill my non-school time as I thought best, but I had to take responsibility for it.  Being so conscious of these responsibilities made me uninterested in getting into trouble with my free time, and more respectful of my freedoms, because I had earned these things and didn't want to mess up the things I actually wanted to do and to have.

Jul 14, 2011 12:23 PM Guest Susan  says:
I agree that unstructured time is very important. We are a homeschooling family and I have found that homeschoolers are as busy and into as many activities as public and private school kids. I try to schedule time for my children to have friends over for the afternoon or to spend the night and it is hard for their friends' parents to find a time when their children can come to our house because of all the activities and camps they are participating in. It's too bad that everyone is so busy that they can't find time to just hang out at each other's houses enjoying some unstructured time together during the summer. It makes me sad as their mom that they don't get more free time with their friends. Families today have gotten entirely too busy! I find that our "less busy, less stressful" lifestyle that we have chosen for our family makes us very unusual and in the minority.
Jul 14, 2011 12:47 PM Guest Darla  says:
I enthusiastically agree! When my children were little (they are now into double digits) I would go from this event to that. My husband advised me to stay home more and when I finally listened to his wise advice, life became more sane and peaceful. Relationships in my home were better, also. He also recommended the children engage in a lot of outdoor activity... no matter the weather and explored pond life and wooded areas with them himself. The result? My kids can play outside for hours in trees, on the pond or in the yard and have a great time. My son is 12 and my daughter is 14. Although they have other friends, their many years of being left to find something to do together (play nice together or work was often the choice) they have developed the ability to entertain themselves as well as other young friends and relatives that come to visit.
Jul 14, 2011 7:02 PM Guest Charlotte  says in response to Missy:

Missy:

We were always the parents that said no and the other parents looked to us for what our opinion would be. If it was okay with us, it was okay with them. You are right, saying no isn't a lot of fun but our kids learned to trust our opinion, that our "no" would lead them to their ultimate goal--heaven.

We also made our house be the fun, safe house to play at and hang out in. As parents we were always near by if someone had a problem that needed solved. We have had the opportunity to be role models for both kids and parents.

They still use our house for college New Year's Eve parties because they know one of our rules is "no drinking under age;" so even though the "kids" are no longer under their parents control that don't have to withstand the peer pressure of making the choice. By coming to our home they have already made the choice.

We have been honored to watch all of them grow up with good values--and have been thanked many times by our kids, the friends and the friends parents.

Saying no to your kids might be difficult, but remember those no's are saying yes to God.

Jul 14, 2011 7:24 PM Guest MsM  says:
Overscheduling was a problem with our family too! We had a full time job, volunteer work, school, instrument lessons, sports, extended family obligations, and that was before adding in church! Deacons/deaconess meetings, Sunday School. Sunday worship service, Sunday night prayer meeting, Tuesday morning women's Bible study, Wednesday Bible study/youth groups, Thursday men's Bible study, small groups on Saturdays, not to mention church dinners, missions week, revivals, VBS, and on and on. Finally we just had to say "enough is enough!" We cut out all the church activities except for Sunday school and the Sunday morning worship service, and reclaimed our family time...especially in the summertime! Whew!
Jul 15, 2011 8:11 AM Guest sara  says in response to Josh S.:

Josh S.,

It sounds like you are a driven, responsible guy.  I think Mr. Daly is referring to kids tween and younger - at least, that's my take on it!  I would hope that my 18 yr olds are not spending hours of free time everyday doing nothing, but have jobs, hobbies and are beginning to realize how best to contribute to society.

Jul 15, 2011 9:59 AM Guest BB  says in response to CB:
CB, What worked well for us when we had little ones was scheduled "alone time."  The child plays in a room, crib, back yard, or some other observable, secure place for a certain amount of time each day.  Do not give in to their fussing, they will eventually realize this is a part of the norm and become very creative with what they have to play with in the environment in which you put them.
Jul 15, 2011 10:49 AM Guest Alicia  says:
I agree whole heartedly!  the big issue that I see is that although we've cosen for me to stay home with the kids- not everyone chooses this or are able to do this.  "We" overschedule our kids bc we can't be with them and try to make it up with activities!
Jul 15, 2011 1:41 PM Guest CB  says in response to CB:
Wow! What wonderful ideas!  I am soaking all of this up, reading each and every post and taking notes...thank you, thank you, thank you.  This is a wealth of knowledge; please know that I will put it to good use.  
Jul 16, 2011 5:12 PM Guest D  says in response to Debbie S.:

Jim and Debbie,

 

   We have such opportunity as parents! Thank you for your encouragement.  Debbie, we are listening to our Heavenly Father and (take courage!) to you also, precious sister.

 

My father gave me the greatest gift I have ever been given.  He sat me on his knee, listened with a whole heart (into my 40s) and then washed me in the Word as an answer to each of my struggles. He would say those beloved words "let me show you something"  he would pull out the Word and read the solution to my problem.   That is contagious, I have a burning passion to pass that light onto the generation born to me.  I hmsch our four kids,   Recently, that passion lead me to cancel most of our schedule.  Burning our candle at both ends traded for shining our light "to all those who are in the house"Matt5:12. We are to "love OUR husbands and children, be kind, gentle, sensible...". When we shine the Light on our own families they can see our good deeds and Glorify our Father who is in Heaven. Playtime is better when they are living out delight in the word.   Then that Light, the Tenderlovingkindness of our God-- who could have been anything He wanted to be and chose to be LOVE--can shine out of our hearts, and home and into the dark world around us. 

We now have time to delight in the Word around the kitchen table as I have always prayed for. We read, we share, we pray and are washed. We take walks and talk, sit on Mom's knee and  then apply the solution--The Everlasting Word of God.   Praise God!!

Jul 18, 2011 12:16 PM Guest Sue  says in response to CB:

I agree too, with the sentiments of others here.  We, too, homeschool and I try to limit the time the kids have on the TV, computer or Wii.  This age IS different than what we grew up in.  As far as your little one is concerned - as much as we love them and want to be with them, they have to learn that we are not at their "beck and call" in as much as there IS work to be done in the house.

 

I think most parents want to do things to make their kids happy.  So we're tempted to always bend to their wishes (ie: "Mommy play with me" when you have work to do).  Our 5 year old has tantrums too.  Thinks his wishes are the way the world should run.  I've struggled with this for quite a while in finding ways to work with him.  His older brother helps by giving him someone else to play with, but otherwise there are times he just has to hear "No.  I can't right now.  I will play with you when X is done."  If he chooses to throw a fit, I have to walk away.  I can't allow his fit to "rule" the decision I made.  He needs to learn that the fits won't help him get his way.  Even though it hurts me inside, I have to act like his fit doesn't bother me.  It's his way of using emotional blackmail - even though he doesn't know it.  If he knew he was having any influence on me by his actions, he'd never stop!  I hope that helps with your question - in a round about way.  It's all trial and error - each blessing is different.

Jul 19, 2011 10:34 AM Guest aprilb.  says:
This is such a tricky subject. On one hand, I totally agree that kids today are too scheduled, too entertained, and not given enough responsibility, simply entertained from one activity to another. On the other hand, having 4 boys and 1 girl of my own (three of whom are teenagers). They are each basically in one activity which still makes it busy for a family of 7!   My boys train year round for their sport and are expected to keep grades up. They do not have time or the inclination to get into trouble. I am blessed that I've not had to experience the issues many parents face with troubled teens. As my husband puts it "kids need to do hard things .And if it is not on the athletic field, our boys would be helping him push wheelbarrows of concrete on the weekends and during the summers."
Jul 22, 2011 9:57 PM Guest dianen.  says:
I enjoyed reading this article and the comments.  My children are 5 and 3 1/2. They do attend one activity outside the home and Church. I've learned that prayer and being led of the Holy Spirit is key in everything, especially with my kids and our day's events.  The world is in such a rush and I don't want to rush through my children's childhood.  I try to tell myself, when they are asking me to help clean, cook, etc....what's the rush....and when able, it is such a blessing to slow life down and spend time with them doing everyday tasks.  Also, the Bible says to "train up your child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Prov. 22:6  I know the challenge of wanting to get all the things on my list done and then at the end of the day realizing I didn't play much either.  I think there just needs to be balance.  I'm thankful that the Lord brings those things to my attention and that His mercies are new every morning.
Jul 23, 2011 10:00 AM Guest Jenna  says:
I completely agree. I graduated from university last year, and definitely learned that I am the type of person that does NOT enjoy being busy. This past year I've enjoyed being able to say "no". Part of that has been for my son as well; he is five years old, and my husband and I have him in one activity per academic term (3 months at a time). At first this was because our son did not like trying new things, and it has proved to up his confidence level. Now it's also because he really does quite enjoy it. One thing we do is to take his personality and preference into consideration. We've always asked him what he thinks before signing him up for something. And we try to give him a few weeks between activities. He gets to rest, and we get to rest. It's nice to know that sometimes you have nothing to do. During those times, we can all simply enjoy each other as a family, and the activities then are more sporadic, including bike rides, movie nights, visiting our local science centre, reading books, or quiet play.

Actions